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The Toxic Custard Workshop Episoder 056 to 060
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
***********************PARTS FIFTY-SIX TO SIXTY*****************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
______________________________________________________________________________
Readers be warned:
Please have your reading licenses ready for inspection while reading
this file.
___ ___
|_ / COXIT Rumben 57 Yondam, Tugusa 5th, 1991
\ / DUSTARC Nrittew by Mr Yuxurl-Tachy (Lanied Noweb)
__/ / PORKSHOW Lpecias shankt to Iorl Noreb
----------SILEF--------------------------------------------------------
*Readers have recently commented on the shrinking size of Toxic A
Custard. So our raving reporter, Arnold Psychopath, took a look at the n
size and value for money of the average Toxic Custard Episode.* o
t
How much humour is in Toxic Custard? I looked at TCWF 54, and splitted h
it.. splut.. splitted.. I spluttered it up by content. Of a total of e
114 lines, I found the following: r
Title / signature / copyright 10 lines (9%) r
Plugs- Rocket Roger / back-issues 11 lines (10%) u
Blank lines / Dividing bits to split-up bits s
to keep them apart from other bits 22 lines (19%) h
Actual humour 71 lines (62%) e
d
As you can see, the humour in TCWF 54 only accounts for 62% of the
file. In the old days, before the deregulation of the computer humour o
industry, laws ensured that a file was at least 75% funny. TCWF 3, for n
example was some 80% humour! Bring back the old days, that's what I e
say.
When we spoke to the author, in a concrete bunker fifty feet below I
the wreckage of his bedroom, he claimed it was due to the worldwide '
joke shortage. This is quite obviously complete bullshit, and we urge m
all readers to protest in the streets, roads, highways and lanes right
now. a
Yes, pick up your placards labelled "More toxic for all" and "We f
want custard" and shout loudly at people who are unlucky enough to be r
passing by. If everyone did this, something might or might not be done. a
The More Custard movement will go a long way. Possibly as far as the i
state border. d
.
Please excuse my ramblings. They aren't house-trained yet. .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .
A new tax has been announced which will further increase the costs of s
running a motor car. The government announced yesterday that motorists t
will now be charged directly for all the greenhouse gases they burn up i
driving around. l
"This is shocking", a spokesmechanic for the Club of Automobile l
Reactionaries said. "They are denying our right to drive our nice shiny ,
clean cars. Who do these people think they are, not letting us burn
fossil fuels? It's not as if the fossils need them anymore. Why should t
we catch a bus, train or tram to work when there's a perfectly good h
adjacent road to use?" a
When asked what could be done about polluting smog, he suggested t
"close the window and turn on the air-conditioning. Next thing you know '
this country will be being run by a bunch of Green-age Mutant Whinger s
Turtles."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
h
The police force has claimed a crime-fighting victory, announcing that e
the number of robberies, assaults and other crimes occuring in doughnut
shops has fallen to zero. Operation Doughnut, which has been going for w
as long as anyone can remember, has seen every doughnut shop have at a
least one police officer assigned to it. When asked about the high and y
possibly co-incidental increase in street-crime, burglaries, murder,
rape, armed-robbery and drug-dealing recently, a police spokesman, i
Constable Suidae said that if people felt unsafe on the streets or in t
their homes, the best thing to do was to go and buy a nice hot
doughnut. g
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
e
After the START signing last Wednesday in Moscow by Bush and Gorbachev, s
an explosion rocked the Kremlin after Gorbachev dropped his pen onto a .
concrete floor. The pen, made from scrapped missiles, was destroyed in .
the explosion, which blew a hole in the wall big enough for a Lada with
no steering to get through. The Pentagon are now investigating what Y
happened to the rest of the batch of 50,000 pens made from the scrapped o
missiles. Allegations have been made that most of the pens were u
purchased by the Iraqi government. The United Nations will formally ask
Baghdad to report on the current status of all Iraqi pens. Rumours are s
afoot that the US Air Force is installing Liquid-Paper anti-pen n
missiles into their bombers in preparation for a bombing raid to i
destroy the pens. v
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
l
From: marye@jerusalem.rc Fri Jul 26 20:28:28 1991 l
Date: Fri, 26 Jul 91 20:28:28 +1000 i
From: Sister Mary Existentiala <marye@jerusalem.rc> n
To: wiseacre@josiah.rc g
Subject: Re: Peace be with you
r
Dear Father Harry, e
a
You must have written your last note to me from the PC here at the d
convent, as you did eventually succeed in finding me late in the e
evening. I often take comfort in cleaning the sacristy when I am r
troubled, as you now know I was. s
Viewing the educational video the orphans brought home, "Chainsaw of w
Lust", raised many questions in my mind... all of which you answered to i
my expectations that night. Thank you. l
l
And in particular, I want to thank you for taking the time to hear my
confession. The penance you gave me was quite, quite hard; however, j
your penances always leave me feeling so satisfied... I am certain they u
do my soul boundless good! s
t
Do visit us again soon, Father. It is always a complete pleasure.
h
Yours in the Church, a
v
Sister Mary Existentiala e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
This was another Toxic Custard Workshop File. Sorry. o
Back-issues are now available; e-mail for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ l
u
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen m
-- p
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | Toxic Custard.
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | It IS all over. For i
-----------------------------------------+ this week, anyway. t
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Trust me. .
And now, in scenes too impressive and expensive to bring you in an
ASCII file, we present..
T H E M A I L P R O M P T
______________________________________________________________________________
DEEP FRIED TOXIC CUSTARD
They said it wouldn't last a year. And don't you wish it hadn't?
Lucky you; hasn't. Not quite, anyway.
_______ ___ ___
| / \ / | | \ / | TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
| | \ /\ / |___ | \ / | Number 56 - 12th August 1991
| \___ \/ \/ | |___ \/ | by Mr Luxury Yacht.. I think
-----------O-N-E---Y-E-A-R---O-L-D---O-N---T-U-E-S-D-A-Y----------------------
AUSTRALIAN BUREAU OF STATISTICS
C E N S U S - 6 AUGUST 1991
WHY A CENSUS?
The Census is like a stocktake of our nation. That's why the entire
nation stops while it happens. Not that anyone notices the difference.
After the stocktake has finished, we'll throw out any damaged or soiled
people, and have HUGE discounts on all of last season's fashions.
COLLECTION AUTHORITY
The information asked for is collected under the authority of the Census
and Statistics Prying Gestapo Privacy Invasion Act.
CONFIDENTIALITY
None.
WHEN?
When what?
WHEN IS THE CENSUS?
Census Night is Tuesday 6th August 1991.
WHEN SHOULD THE CENSUS FORM BE FILLED IN?
Anytime really. Who cares? Just get on with it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1. AT WHAT ADDRESS DID THIS HOUSEHOLD SPEND CENSUS NIGHT?
Street no. and name: 273 Cataly St
Suburb or rural locality: South Wasteoftime
City or town: Melbourne
Postcode: 3188
Person 1 Person 2 Person 3
-------- -------- --------
2. NAME OF EACH PERSON INCLUDING Arnold Debbi Annie
VISITORS WHO SPENT THE NIGHT Psychopath Collins Psychopath
OF TUESDAY, 6 AUGUST 1991 IN
THIS HOUSEHOLD.
3. SEX Yes Yes What?? You
mean those
two...?
Female.
4. EACH PERSON'S AGE LAST BIRTHDAY 32 17 Seventeen??
I'll kill
him. 31.
5. WHAT IS EACH PERSON'S PERSON 1 Lover Ex-wife.
RELATIONSHIP TO PERSON 1? Potential
murder.
6. WHAT IS EACH PERSON'S PRESENT Married Never Arnie! I'm
MARITAL STATUS? married. leaving!
About to be
separated.
7. WHAT IS EACH PERSON'S USUAL As in Salvation As from
ADDRESS? question 1. Army Hostel tomorrow, my
Melbourne mother's.
8. IN WHICH STATE OR TERRITORY IS Vic Vic Arnold, you
EACH PERSON'S USUAL ADDRESS? bastard! Vic
9. IN WHICH STATE OR TERRITORY WAS Vic NSW Vic
EACH PERSON'S USUAL ADDRESS ONE
YEAR AGO?
10. WHAT WAS EACH PERSON'S USUAL Pentridge Kings Cross Prison? I
ADDRESS FIVE YEARS AGO? Prison, Sydney didn't know
Melbourne. that! As
above.
11. WHERE WAS EACH PERSON BORN? United States Dunno Australia
12. WHEN DID THE PERSON FIRST ARRIVE 1968, when I Dunno What were
IN AUSTRALIA? jumped ship. you in for?
13. IS THE PERSON OF ABORIGINAL OR No Dunno I have a
TORRES STRAIT ISLANDER ORIGIN? right to
know! No.
14. WHERE WAS EACH PERSON'S FATHER United States Dunno Who's this
BORN? little
scrubber you
brought
home? Italy.
15. WHERE WAS EACH PERSON'S MOTHER United States Dubbo. Italy. You
BORN? ummm don't know
Australia all about
my parents,
Arnie.
16. IS THE PERSON AN AUSTRALIAN Yes Yes Yes. They
CITIZEN? have
CONTACTS.
17. WHAT IS EACH PERSON'S RELIGIOUS Catholic Evangelical Catholic.
DENOMINATION? Athiest Like all
the Family.
18. DOES THE PERSON SPEAK A LANGUAGE Jive No Italian. I
OTHER THAN ENGLISH AT HOME? just called
them, Arnie.
19. HOW WELL DOES THE PERSON SPEAK Well Not well Very well.
ENGLISH? I'll get the
door.
20. IS THE PERSON ATTENDING A SCHOOL N..argghh!! Arnie? No.
OR ANY OTHER EDUCATIONAL M..shit.. Arnie? Oh Oh dear, who
INSTITUTION? arggh.. my God! did that?
Let's throw
this form
out and get
another one,
eh? They
don't count
dead people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
VIRTUAL REALITY BREAKTHROUGH N
The NASA Ames Research Center have announced a breakthrough in Virtual o
Reality. They have simulated the entire world within a computer. This is
the second attempt. The first time, they fed in all the information r
about the world into the computer, data containing every detail about o
the planet, and the behaviour and characteristics of the people who live o
on it, what happens, where; everything. They ran the computer simulation m
at high-speed for several months before simulated pollution and
simulated UV-rays killed every simulated thing on the simulated face of f
the simulated earth. The programmers looked for bugs, but couldn't find o
any. r
This second attempt has resulted in a "nice" world to live in. A
world without oppression, crime, anger and hunger. And it only cost $43 m
million billion to generate. Thank goodness the money is being spent on u
something peaceful. c
h
THAI SEX TOURS - "Visit Bangkok and Phuket" o
f
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We apologise in advance for the following. No, not the t
following, the backwarding. We apologise in advance h
for the backwarding. It was another edition of the i
Toxic Custard Workshop File. And we're really very s
very sorry. Back-issues are now available; e-mail for
details. b
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
COMING RECENTLY IN THE NEXT TCWF LAST WEEK: t
* How big should it be? - size exposed
* Greenhouse gas tax t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ h
i
s
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
-- w
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | "An American e
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | Werewolf in Beirut." e
-----------------------------------------+ k
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu He's just been released. .
______________________________________________________________________________
SLOWLY BREWING TOXIC CUSTARD
Welcome, one and all to that spiffing weekly file of fun for all you
jokers around the globe. Put your laughing gear into gear once more,
because without any more ado (or adon't) it's time for the
##### #### # # ####
# # # # #
# O X I C # U S T A R D # # # O R K S H O P ### I L E S
# # # # # #
--#-Number 58-####-----------##-##-19th-August 1991#by Mr Luxury-Yacht- B
a
Characters For Continuity marched today in support of reappearances c
for early characters in Toxic Custard. They said that unless the author k
provides openings for reappearing characters in a politically sound
joke by next issue, strike action would see all the keys on his a
computer go out on strike in sympathy. g
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
i
THE RETURN OF SHAKESPEARE n
We were going to do a Midsummer Night's dream, but we couldn't stand
all the Bottom jokes. t
o
MACBETH ACT 4, SCENE 1
r
[A cavern and in the midst a boiling cauldron. Thunder. Enter the Weird e
sisters.] a
d
WITCH 1: Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed.
t
WITCH 2: Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined. h
i
WITCH 3: Harpier cries:- 'Tis time, 'tis time. s
WITCH 1: Round about the cauldron go: s
In the poisoned entrails throw. t
What are we making; I don't know. u
But I've got nowhere else to go. f
f
Toad, that under cold stone ,
Days and nights has thirty-one
Do we have to do this all alone? e
Anyone know where there's a phone? h
?
Sweltered venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i'th' charmed pot! H
Don't look in there, it looks like snot. m
Will it taste the same.. hmm, p'haps not. m
m
ALL: Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble. I
WITCH 2: Fillet of a fenny snake, w
In the cauldron boil and bake: o
Oh good grief, for heaven's sake; n
Just what is it we're trying to make? '
t
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog, c
How will we find them in this fog, o
Maybe some dead ones in the bog. m
m
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting, e
Lizard's leg and howlet's wing, n
Why not add a piece of string. t
And I'll give the pizza shop a ring.
o
For a charm of powerful trouble, n
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
Now my recipe's in a muddle, y
I shouldn't have dropped it in the puddle. o
u
ALL: Double, double toil and trouble; r
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
s
WITCH 3: Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, a
Witch's mummy, maw and gulf n
What a way to get a laugh. i
Do you think anyone reads this stuff? t
y
Of the ravined salt-sea shark, ;
Root of hemlock digged i'th'dark,
I don't quite care for all this lark, e
In fact I couldn't give a fark. s
p
Liver of blaspheming Jew, e
Gall of goat and slips of yew, c
Last time was messy, remember you? i
And after eating, up we threw. a
l
Slivered in the moon's eclipse, l
Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips, y
Careful to take out the pips
Get a sponge; wipe up the drips a
s
Finger of a birth-strangled babe
Ditch-delivered by a drab i
Make the gruel thick and slab: t
Then we'll analyse it at the lab. '
s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
m
An organisation known as the A.W.B.B.B.B. (Apartheid Wanker Boar Boer i
Boor Bores) last week clashed with South African police and other n
"inferior beings" in the small town of Ventangersdorp where a e
"back-stabbing bastard betrayer" was speaking in the almost aptly named
Kommando hall. They were protesting about the proposed introduction of t
democracy. h
"It's not fair!" a recently not deloused representative in a brown a
shirt shouted incoherently above the noise of machine-gun fire. "How t
dare they put us on the same level as those black bastards? We are the
superior beings. We obey no-one." He then disappeared to help attack a i
mini-bus of them. s
A.W.B.B.B.B. leader Eugene Terre'Ism later condemned the Police for
trying to stop members attacking passing blacks. "It is our white i
right, right? That's what this country should stand for. Equality, n
freedom and wealth for absolutely everyone as long as they're white
church-going heterosexual conservative racists who speak Afrikaans. q
Squalor, oppression and poverty for the rest of them. That's how this u
country should be run. It has been for years; why change tradition?" Mr e
Terre'Ism has proclaimed that he will lead a new white nation into s
prosperity, to last a thousand years. t
i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
Well, I hope you survived that edition of the Toxic Custard n
Workshop Files. E-mail for details of back-issues available. .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toxic Custard helps keep you regular (once a week).
Certainly more regular than certain mysterious space heroes
with the initials RR, available from the Mad Scribe.
Mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
--
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | Well known Vietnam veteran Normie
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | Rowe has written a charity song
-----------------------------------------+ for the 25th anniversary of the
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu battle of Long Tan, called "Sit down Ron".
______________________________________________________________________________
SEVERELY DEPRESSED TOXIC CUSTARD
_____ __ __ __ __
| | | | |_ |__ |__| TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES - Number 59
| |__ |_|_| | __| __| 26th August 1991 Written by Daniel Bowen
_______________________________________________________________________
Calendiar casually strolled down to the corner. It was one of those odd S
street corners, which wasn't so much a corner as a right-angle. He o
looked casually each way, scouring the background for movement. m
Nothing. A frog bounced by. Calendiar's last mission had ended when e
he'd been arrested for crimes against the chemical disposal laws. Of
course, they'd got him off. Nothing simpler. The influences of p
Calendiar's department reached everywhere. And they would stop at e
nothing to influence a judge. They wouldn't even stop at a o
gift certificate from a massage parlour. And they hadn't. p
Calendiar stood still for several minutes, deliberately, to l
confound any moves to have him adapted into a cartoon strip. Popsicle e
hissed at him from behind a streetlamp. "Stop hissing at me", replied
Calendiar. "Watcha want? What are you doing back there?" h
"I don't know, but I think something surprising is about to happen. a
And then something vicious." v
Surprisingly, the street filled with people. People everywhere. e
Popsicle struggled to move, the crowds pressing in on him. Everyone was
there, it seemed, from the Reverend Skilbey to Alfredo Cappucino. m
Even more surprisingly, and suddenly, the street was calm, as the e
shoppers continued to window-shop, and sip coffee. Quiet, mild mannered n
Arnold Psychopath, recently resurrected, had arrived on the scene with t
his AK-47 and machete, about to do something vicious, in an obvious i
comment about gun control by the author. But he would be stopped. This, o
after all, was a civilised country. A madman can't simply run around n
shooting people and get away with it. There are laws to protect e
people's lives. d
Inspector Unnecessary-Violence put his hand on Arnold's shoulder.
"You can't fuckin' do that", he said. "Gimme your gun licence." t
Arnold, quite reasonably for a crazed psychopath, showed him the h
licence. a
"Hmm, quite fuckin' legal. Thank you. Now kindly fuckin' move along t
please sir."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
h
-RIP OUR PORT e
s
Dan Quayle's reaction on Monday to the news that Gorbachev had been e
deposed and the Vice-President had taken power: "Oh, have I really?"
s
Anyway, the attempted Soviet coup is over now, and Communism is dying. i
Party activity has been outlawed in all state bodies.. so I guess l
they'll have to go to discos. And of course, the world may never see l
the new model Revolutionary Lada 9L Washing Machine, made in the Soviet y
Union, with built-in political agitator.
s
I wonder if you've met my pet Rik Aster. He's my pet *. The great thing i
about *s is that they just sit there on your screen, not doing very d
much at all. *s don't need to be fed or anything. You can backspace e
over them at will if you'd prefer them not to be on your paragraphs, w
but settle them down anywhere. Your pet * isn't fussy. And they're a
delightful little critters, too. But please don't maltreat your *, or y
you might be reported to the RSPC*. s
You know how when you want to carry a heavy load but the shop only has m
fairly weak and flimsy plastic bags.. and they give you two; one inside e
the other. How come your load doesn't break through one, then break s
through the other, then break some more.. break into little bits on the s
ground? No, don't answer that.. it's probably something to do with a
physics, but I was never very good at that, and I'd far rather remain g
thinking that it's one of the great unanswered mysteries of the world. e
s
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard Cashthread
Airlines Cut-Price-Fares-Luxury-Sit-In-The-Space-Normally-Taken-By-An- a
Anteater-While-We-Stuff-Your-Luggage-Into-A-Shoebox flight 007 to r
Bondstown. I'm your pilot, Jack; that's J A C K, Jack, hoping you all e
have a pleasant flight, and reminding you to be near a toilet when you
drink the airline coffee. First class passengers will have the a
opportunity later on to see the aeroplane cockpit (just don't enter
saying "Hi, Jack"); economy and business-class passengers can stay in r
their seats and get bored shitless watching the in-flight movie, e
"Plumetting To Earth and in Bloody Deep Shit". Have a nice day. a
l
BIBLE BELT!
Buy yours today.. only $19.95. With bonus holster. Bible not included. p
from Krabe Enterprises. a
i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
Sorry.
Back issues are available; e-mail for details. t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen r
-- e
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Fit as a fiddle, a
Melbourne, Australia | Right as rain. d
---------------------------------| If one thing is certain, .
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | I'm perfectly sane.
-- G
o
For all one of you who has been waiting since TCWF 57 o
for a TCWF licence, cut this out and fill in the details: d
.
-------------------------------------------- SCRIBBLE ON THE BACK:
| WORLDWIDE TOXIC CUSTARD READER'S LICENCE |
|------------------------------------------| The holder of this licence is
| | hereby authorised to read
| NUMBER EXPIRES CODE | Toxic Custard Workshop Files
| 28462847 26/8/92 T59C26W8F91 | from the beginning of time
| | until the expiry date. Persons
| NAME: __________________________________ | found reading TCWF while not in
| E-MAIL: ________________________________ | possession of a TCWF Reader's
| SEX: __ DATE OF BIRTH: __/__/__ | licence will have absolutely
| | nothing done to them, and are
| SIGNATURE: _____________________________ | void from any death-threats
| Cut photo into strips and stick here. | made to them by members of any
-------------------------------------------- any religious denomination.
______________________________________________________________________________
(HAVE A SLICE OF) DEADLY RADIOACTIVE TOXIC CUSTARD
Take 200 grams of politically conservative redneck voter. Carefully
sift out all the brains. Put the remains in a saucepan on a low heat,
add prejudices and stir until thickened. Pop in a drop of raw hatred
and some paranoia and leave to simmer for a couple of elections,
stirring occasionally. And presto! Gun lobby activist!
Or, if you find that totally repulsive, why not try some Toxic Custard?
###### #### ## ## ## #### #### ##### Toxic Custard Workshop Files
## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ##------------------------------------+
## ## ## ## ## #### ##### ## ## Number 60 - 2nd September 1991 |
## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## Written by Daniel Bowen |
## #### ######## ## #### #####-------------FEAR NOUGAT!------------+
He was definitely lost. Somewhere. He scoured the horizon. Sand to the I
north (or what, since he had no compass, he would call the north for t
the moment.. just for argument's sake. It might well be east, or south '
by south west, it didn't really matter). Sand to the east. Sand to the s
south of him, and sand to the wes.. oh bugger, had he turned too far?
Was that west, or was he looking north again. No, it didn't really t
matter, because it was certainly very sandy. A bit too bloody sandy. I e
mean, you might think the beach was pretty sandy sometimes, but that r
was nothing to the predicament that Calendiar was in this time. He r
looked around again, longing to be somewhere where the storyline at i
least went somewhere, and where the continuity between episodes could b
be checked. l
Calendiar thought back to the street corner he had been hanging y
around last week, and decided that if it wasn't a figment of his
imagination, then he wished it had been, because he hadn't liked it a
very much. He wondered about wandering, then stopped. He looked down at n
the portable scrabble game he had somehow collected somewhere, for some n
reason which was bound to be explained in the next few lines; probably o
just a cheap way to get a joke. There were only four letters in this y
one; it was an economy version. D A S and N were the letters. i
Calendiar frowned. And who could blame him? Not me. Nor you, I n
suspect. He looked up. Well, at least it wasn't sand. Then he looked g
down, mostly because he hadn't done so yet, and was astonished to find ,
a (this is not the astonishing bit) trapdoor, underneath which was a
short passage (neither is this the astonishing bit) leading to (we're b
coming up to the astonishing bit around about now) a rather nice hotel, u
where he checked in. t
"Hi!" said the receptionist in a poor imitation of either a French
accent. "Welcome to the Hotel Sable. I'm Sandy." I
"So am I", replied Calendiar," so would you show me to my room so I '
can have a shower and get on with the plot?" v
After his shower, Calendiar went down to the garages to find his e
smog-producing phallic symbol, and drove off into the next episode.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - f
o
Sick of going to the shops and paying $1.95, $3.95, $4.95 or whatever r
for goods? Well, the government has finally come up with a way to g
lighten our pockets - the 95 cent coin. It will be shaped identical to o
the $1 coin, but with an 18 degree segment cut out of it. This will t
make it simple for sight-impaired people to identify. t
Two groups, one supporting the royal family, and the other e
supporting animal liberation, have opposed this, saying that it will be n
an act of mutilation of H.M. The Queen on one side of the coin, and the
five kangaroos on the other. The two groups also opposed a proposal w
last year to directly link the value of the Australian dollar to US h
currency, by chopping an 80 degree slice out of all coins. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
THE SHIFT-CHANGE I
Mornin'. w
MORNIN'. HOW'S LIFE? a
Looks okay from here. These early mornings are tiring me though. s
WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE ON DAY SHIFTS. IT'S BLOODY COLD OUT HERE AT
NIGHT, YOU KNOW. g
Oh? I s'pose I'm lucky then.. it always seems nice and bright when I'm o
around. i
OF COURSE IT DOES. YOU'RE THE SUN. THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE. NICE AND n
BRIGHT. g
Oh yeah. Sometimes I forget. Seen anyone around down there lately?
NOT REALLY. ALL I CAN SEE FROM WHERE I AM IS THAT BIG WALL. t
Ah.. It's funny, I feel as if I can see more and more down there every o
day.
NOT SURPRISED. I HEARD THEY BUGGERED THEIR OZONE LAYER. s
Really? Still, I suppose they know what they're doing. It sure is nice a
to be able to shine down on them a bit more, every day. y
YES, THEY MUST BE A BUNCH OF SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE.
How about you then? Been mooning around? t
YEAH.. LOOK, I MUST DASH. h
Not moonlighting I hope? i
WHO, ME? NAH.. SEE YOU IN 12 HOURS. s
Okay. And I'll see you at that eclipse next week.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - w
e
MANAGER: Jenkins! e
k
JENKINS: Yes Mr Saviour? .
MANAGER: Jenkins, your job is being recycled. R
e
JENKINS: Pardon Mr Saviour? a
l
MANAGER: Your job is being recycled. It's a new government scheme to
save the ozone layer and fudge.. err.. lower the unemployment b
figures. You'll be given the sack as of Monday. But then we'll u
re-employ you on Monday week. Meanwhile, we'll employ Mr Nerd m
here. m
e
NERD: Hello Mr Jenkins. I'm Nerd. Arnold Nerd. r
,
MANAGER: Jenkins, you'd better get back to work.
e
[Jenkins leaves] h
?
MANAGER: [Taking Nerd's hand to shake] Welcome to the Environment
Protection Authority, Mr Nerd.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That was another one of those silly Toxic Custard Workshop
Files. Only this time, it didn't have all those silly
hidden words, like last week. I presume you lot found
them all? Back issues are available via ftp or e-mail. Ask
for details! Also ask about the corny space cereal (yum!),
by my good mate, the Mad Scribe rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Laugh your guts up at the Monash Comedy
Melbourne, Australia | Revue! Featuring MEGABOGUE live on stage!!
---------------------------------| Monash Frankston: 17th Sept; Caulfield 19th
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Sept. Entry- Monash $9 others $12.
The gun lobby have announced that they support the legalisation of
nuclear arms for everyone. "It's people that kill people, not nuclear
bombs. So why not buy a nuclear missile for the house? It'll help you
defend yourself against intruders."
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]