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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
***********************PARTS EIGHTY-SIX TO NINETY***************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
_______________________________________________________________________________
A Knockout Toxic Custard!
This, is Major Wine. POPSICLE. Coming soon to TCWF.
GRANDIOSE TITLES PTY LTD CO. INC PRESENT
_______ _____ _____ ____ ___
| / \ / | / \ / TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
| | \ / |___ \____/ /___ Number 86 - 2nd March 1992
| | \ /\ / | / \ / \ Written by Daniel Bowen
| \_____ \/ \/ | \____/ \____/ From somewhere downunder.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
Mud. Dirt and grime. It's terrible stuff, let's face it. Normally I A
wouldn't complain too much about anything, as you know, but the mud n
around here is terrible. My neighbour's back garden isn't so much of a d
garden, but more of a bog. A veritable cess-pit. They lost their dog a
while back. I reckon it sank into the garden looking for a bone. It's n
their own fault; they shouldn't have had that party last month. I saw o
what went on that night - I used my binoculars from my attic window. w
Around two in the morning, most of the guests decided to have what
looked suspiciously like a rain dance, despite their claims to the f
contrary. Two weeks later it poured with rain, flooding their garden o
(and most of the others too). Now that can't just be coincidence, can r
it? My solution is to have a concrete garden. Think about it, there's
no problem with insects eating leaves, you save water and effort t
looking after it, and you never have to mow it. Of course, it doesn't h
quite cut it in the photosynthesis department, but then, you're not e
telling me a tiny little daisy supplies enough oxygen to keep the human
race alive. d
e
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p
Well, I have to say that in recent months, my bank statement has been
looking much better. 'Cos now it's on neat tinted paper, and laser- b
printed, with the bank logo in full hologrammatic colour in the top i
corner. t
:
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After failing to reach agreement for a 10% increase in fish and H
penalty-rates for night meowing, cats nationwide have decided to strike e
next Thursday. All members of the Federated Cats Union will cease
meowing for 24 hours and will boycott washing themselves or each other. w
They will refuse to eat tinned catfood, use litter trays, and will not h
make use of catflaps, demanding that owners open the door for them at o
least twenty times an hour. All purring will cease, as will leg-
rubbing. Tails will remain at a maximum of 45 degrees from horizontal, l
and the anti-furniture claw campaign will be stepped-up. A spokescat i
for the Union said that meow. He demanded that meow immediately, and v
added that if Union demands for meow weren't met, then meow. e
s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
b
POPSICLE y
Part Two - "Christmas in March"
t
Inspector Jock Unnecessary-Violence and Mr Popsicle, of the Australian h
Royal Secret Establishment were bumming around in general at the e
A.R.S.E offices when the call came through of an emergency. A
terrifying and dangerous emergency. A downright scary emergency in f
fact. This was an emergent and urgent emergency. It was the night of i
the Police Annual March Christmas Booze-up and Bingo Night Celebration s
Piss-Up Get-Together Party, and the worst possible thing had happened. t
Someone had stolen the alcohol. So, they jumped into a paddy wagon and
drove dangerously down to the bottle shop to get some supplies. After s
requisitioning all the wine and beer they could find and fitting them h
into the van, they went straight to the Town Hall where the party was, a
with sirens blaring. l
After delivering the supplies, they called in Doctor "Goose" Wedge, l
the A.R.S.E. scientific adviser, with an expertise in forensics, and an
unhealthy interest in shower accessories. The alcohol had been stolen g
from a refrigerated semi-trailer in the driveway in front of the town e
hall while everyone had been too pissed to notice. It was enough to t
keep a pub running for months, or a police party for several hours.
Popsicle knew they had to move fast to find the beer, and set up a Town k
Hall Booze Taskforce - a fancy name for him and the Inspector, n
basically. o
By morning Doc Wedge had been over and through and under and around c
and around and around the semi-trailer thoroughly, and had collapsed k
nearby in a giggling heap from the fumes. Popsicle and the Inspector e
had got statements from witnesses, some of whom swore blind that the d
beer barrels had rolled out of the semi-trailer and down the hill, done
a left at the main road and then grown wings and flown off along the u
road to the tram stop before hitching a ride with a passing pink n
coloured camel to Addis Ababa. c
As for the bottles of wine and spirits, they had mysteriously o
formed into a giant winged television and made a speech about the n
economic situation in relation to little bits of string before s
exploding into colourful bits of seventeenth century brickwork. c
Popsicle guessed, quite correctly as it happens, that this was a i
load of crap, and decided to rely totally on guess work, a tactic that o
almost always fails. But fortunately, he'd come to an agreement with u
the author that it would work in (or perhaps on) this case, leaving s
Popsicle the triumphant crime-fighter and leaving the author with
absolutely no broken bones and no keen interest in footwear made of b
concrete that inhabited the bottom of the Yarra river. y
Popsicle guessed, quite correctly as it happens, that the grog had
been stolen by notorious Mafia crime boss Alfredo Cappucino, who had t
been known to be involved in prostitution, smuggling, gambling, h
politics, promotion of Bryan Adams and other criminal activities. e
Doc Wedge had recovered evidence from the crime scene, which
included the semi-trailer, now missing its tyres (bad neighbourhood, f
that), a hundred and seventy-three hungover policemen, a small pair of i
pliers, a clothes peg spring, a piece of wood and the latest issue of s
Cosmopolitan (oh, that may have belonged to Doc Wedge actually). t
Popsicle and the Inspector could make absolutely no sense of this .
whatsoever, and decided to make up the evidence as they went along, and
to frame Cappucino, which was quite obviously easier and considerably
more fun. R
i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g
Popsicle and the whole rest of the Toxic h
Custard Workshop Files team will be back t
next week. Until then, may your booze be
good booze, and good morning. J
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
-- f
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | TIP FOR CROSSING THE ROAD: f
Melbourne Australia | Always cross at the ?
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | traffic lights - it delays
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | more car drivers.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Airborne Toxic Custard
toxic custard workshop files number 87, 9th march 1992, written by daniel bowen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
Shopping. I went shopping the other day, down to the shopping centre. W
But I had read in the newspaper that consumer confidence is low, so I e
didn't buy anything. Spent lots of time looking and poking around in l
the various shops though. There is a certain art to driving shop c
assistants mad. I once took a short course in it at the adult education o
place. The key is to look interested and able to buy something. Keep m
the assistant interested, but you always have to find something at e
fault - the colour, the size, whatever.
Anyway, after the fourth shop assistant, I got a bit bored with t
that, so I looked for survey people to annoy. It depends on the o
questions they want to ask you of course, but the key is to make lots
of mistakes so they make a terrible mess on the sheet and eventually y
give up and have to do the whole thing again. e
But there weren't any surveys being done that day, so I went t
through Target and Big W a few dozen times, just to bug the shop
security person who hangs around at the doorway checking shopping bags. A
Not that I want to steal things mind you, I just want to get back at N
them for the time the Target bitch delayed me when I was running for a O
bus. T
There's one other bit of fun of course, but it's better at railway H
stations. The art of standing on the escalators with your shopping so E
as to block completely anyone who wants to get past you. R
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s
Toxic Custard has obtained exclusive rights to publish the lyrics of i
Megabogue's re-released classic, "I've Got A Big Dick, Baby". It was l
written in a drunken stupor, as many of the band's songs are, on a l
toilet roll by Slasher Rists during what music critics have described y
as the band's lavatorial period. This classic song tells of a young man
deeply depressed and troubled about the social problems surrounding s
him, and is literally packed with obscure political and social i
references. d
e
MEGABOGUE - "I'VE GOT A BIG DICK, BABY" by Slasher Rists w
a
I'm standin' in the shadows, y
I'm steppin' on some ants s
There's lots of light behind me
And a huge bulge in my pants s
c
Lookin' cool on the street r
Is the way I work a
I just try and remember w
Not to look like a twerp l
.
Yes, I've got a big dick baby!
It's more than eight feet long! I
And if you think I'm talkin' bullshit '
Then you're really totally wrong. d
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l
THE WORLD AT NOON - With John Lombard. Authoritative, decisive, i
informative. Okay, so he lisps and he looks like a gnome, but he *is* k
authoritative, decisive and informative. e
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t
POPSICLE o
Part 3 - "A Dog's Life"
q
The Town Hall Booze Taskforce are looking into the robbery of large u
amounts of very cheap wine that had been destined to be drunk at the i
annual police Christmas party. After investigating the wild claims from c
the somewhat completely and utterly intoxicated eyewitnesses and k
dismissing them (after some consultation concerning the facts of the l
world), the Taskforce decided to target infamous one-eyed scarred-face y
limping broken-nail balding grazed-kneed crime-boss Alfredo Cappucino.
After a short period under the influence of large amounts of alcohol d
and large amounts of nicotine (ie. in the pub), the Taskforce chief, Mr i
Popsicle, of the Australian Royal Security Establishment, decided that s
it was Inspector's round. And decided to call in Les. c
Les, an A.R.S.E undercover agent, had got secret information about u
Cappucino's secret warehouse secretly located somewhere secret where s
secret activities were secretly planned and done secretly. All of this s
was common knowledge to the author, of course, who was making up the
plot as he went along. Anyway, Les had infiltrated Cappucino's select c
group of well-known underworld figures. They were so well known that e
two of them had made it into the Weekly Top Ten Australian Fictional n
Underworld MegaCrook Gangster Chart Count Down more than seven times in s
the past year. Les had got into the group by driving a Monaro with o
fluffy dice, speaking with a Greek accent and wearing a wig. He was r
pretending to be a Mongolian of Burmese/Hawaiian descent, but s
fortunately the naughty people were cliched thickheaded gangster types h
with speech impediments that made them sound gangsterish when they i
spoke, and they didn't realise this, and he became a trusted member of p
the gang. ,
So Les eventually came back with the information, and the Taskforce
decided to raid the warehouse, arrest lots of people, wave guns around b
and generally smash up the place. Inspector Unnecessary-Violence u
planned to raid Cappucino by knocking down the front door and bursting t
through with 20 men armed with shotguns all screaming "Police! Get your
fuckin' hands up above your fuckin' head or we'll fuckin' blow it off!" I
Popsicle thought this was nowhere near subtle enough, and decided '
to slam through the wall in his car, stick a revolver in Cappucino's m
face and say coolly "You're under arrest, punk."
Surprisingly, common sense prevailed and the only injuries in the n
raid were a passing kid on a bike and a small poodle squashed flat on o
the way back to headquarters. Doctor "Goose" Wedge was called in to t
painstakingly go over the warehouse with his little brushes and gaze at
things and generally get down on his hands and knees. Meanwhile, a
Popsicle and the Taskforce questioned the men they had taken from the l
warehouse. l
Meanwhile, after four hours of patient searching, Doc Wedge finally o
found the button that had come out of his shirt when he'd arrived. w
As Popsicle and the Inspector and the rest of the team considered e
their situation, one thing came apparent to them: they were going to d
have to wait until the author figured out more of the plot before they
could continue. t
o
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
That's all this week from the Toxic Custard Workshop
Files. Please note that next week's edition may be
delayed - my account expires this week and I'm
working on getting a new one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | SAD FACTS OF LIFE
Melbourne Australia | 93% of bus drivers listen
dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu | to easy-listening radio
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | stations.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Day Old Toxic Custard
[AM I ON? OH, GOOD]
....... ....... T C W F N S o M 1 W b D B (c) 1992
. . . . O U O I u i f a 9 r y a o Awful
....... ....... X S R L m x r 9 i n w <--Experimental
. . . . I T K E b t c 2 t i e Titles
....... ....... C ARD SHOP S er88 eenth h . ten el n Ltd.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The British Daily Telegraph says the CIA has been flooding Iraq with
forged currency in an effort to destabilise the Iraqi economy. TCWF
sources spoke with the CIA, who have denied it completely. They say G
it's purely to make money. o
o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d
HOW AUSTRALIA BEGAN-- e
v
45 MILLION YEARS AGO e
Australia separated from Asia and America. Australia kept the kids and n
the house, America took the car and sped off down the freeway i
somewhere, and Asia held onto the bank investments. n
g
TWO MILLION YEARS AGO ,
The last ice age began. There'll be another one along any day now.
o
40,000 YEARS AGO r
Evidence suggests that towards the end of the Late Plasticene period
the first group of fictional Plasticene characters crossed from n
South-East Asia to Australia. They were destined to run on o
dialogue-less tv programmes for millions of years. t
,
12,000 YEARS AGO
With the rising of the seas, Tasmania separated from the mainland and a
went off on its own, stealing a car and joyriding until crashing into a s
power-pole.
t
8,000 YEARS AGO h
Australia splits with New Guinea after industrial action to oppose the e
redundancy of Old Guinea. Old Guinea took up compulsory retirement and
received a large superannuation payout. c
a
1606 s
Dutch navigator Willem Jansz became the first European known to have e
made a landing on the Australian coast, in an experimental moon-landing
vehicle fired from a rocket which was just a tad off course. Obviously m
he hadn't developed the technology to work out where the hell he was a
going. y
1616 b
Dutch sea captain Dirk Warthog, came ashore on an island near the e
entrance to Shark Bay, so called because upon meeting local Aborigines .
there, they played cards with him and easily won the ship.
D
1642 o
Dutch explorer Abel Tasman sailed around the western and eastern coasts n
of Tasmania, skipping the north coast completely, and only discovering '
at the last moment that there was no south coast to sail around. He t
then named it Van Diemen's Land after the then Governor-General of the
Dutch East Indies (who is not still Governor-General due to a nasty w
bout of death) as a method of sucking up to his superiors. o
r
1688 r
William Dampier, English buccaneer spent three months near King Sound, y
Western Australia on a package deal with his travel agent. He was sent
in 1699 to explore other, more private parts of Australia. He t
considered the region unfit for human habitation. He was right. o
o
1770
20th April - Captain James Cook in the HMS Endeavour spots Australia m
and manages to get into the history books of Australian schoolchildren u
for years afterwards as the bloke what discovered Oz. And he got his c
own mini-series. In August he proclaimed the whole of Eastern Australia h
(99.99% of which he hadn't seen) a British possession, naming it New
South Wales, apparently after old South Wales, which was nothing like a
it. b
o
1786 u
The British government decided to make Botany Bay a penal colony. t
Several hundred members of the Sadists' Association of Deviants In
Society Trust volunteered to go along as soldiers, to fight for British m
supremacy, maintain justice and discipline amongst the prisoners, but e
mostly for the fun of it. ;
1787 I
The First Fleet sailed from Portsmouth, carrying 756 convicts, about '
450 crew and military personnel, 28 wives, 30 children, 382 rats, 2 m
cats, 4 birds, 327 snails, 4727 tonnes of lard, and 482,394,273 lice.
j
1788 u
18th January - Captain Arthur Phillip dented another ship making a s
really MEAN turn into Botany Bay. They exchanged insurance details and t
sailed on.
26th January - Phillip hoisted the British flag at Sydney Cove, taking a
possession of New South Wales, not particularly impressing the more
than 250,000 Aborigines living in Australia at the time. But the l
British had guns, so they weren't too much of a problem. There might i
have been problems about running out of ammunition though. Phillip t
hoisted another, less significant flag on the 24th of March, signifying t
that he was a completely brilliant man, and he was really super-dooper l
and loads of other stuff and that basically he was the bestest man in e
the universe.
o
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ d
This was the late-running Toxic Custard#88 d
to the world stopping all systems. Popsicle
was away this week, but will return next t
week. That's what happens when I don't get o
around to watching the tape of last d
Thursday's "Phoenix". Not that that has any a
relevance to Popsicle, of course. Anyway... y
Back-issues are STILL available to all .
plebs. Reply to this, or send mail now to
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. P
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
-- n
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | g
Melbourne Australia | 94% of all signature quotes .
dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu | are useless.
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
_______________________________________________________________________________
A Bucket of Toxic Custard
_______ ____ ____ ____ ____
/ / / / / / / / / TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #89
/ / / / /___ /___/ /___/ Monday 23rd March 1992
/ / / / / / / / / Written by Daniel Bowen
/----/___--/__/__/-/------/___/--___/--------------daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au
Screams of terror. People all around shout for mercy. No question, you
must be at an amusement park. I'm convinced that most of those rides
were originally designed in the middle ages as terrible and horrific M
forms of medieval torture. Turn those accused of witchcraft upside-down e
and spin them round and round at high speed and they'll soon confess. a
Surely you need to worry when a ride at Luna Park features a notice n
that those with heart-conditions are not recommended to use it. And w
that you have to keep your back straight during the ride otherwise you h
might end up being injured. What next, "Do not enter this machine if i
you do not have health insurance"? "A will is required for this ride"? l
I went on the rollercoaster, of course. The Scenic Railway is e
incredible. Mind you, I didn't see much of the scenery after the first ,
dip. I was concentrating on staying alive. Dip isn't quite the right
word for it actually. I think perhaps plummet would be more accurate. s
The mild plummets weren't too bad, but the higher ones were more o
terrifying. It just can't be natural to plummet downwards at that speed m
and angle. I certainly don't think my stomach liked it very much. The e
body has a number of mechanisms for warning the brain that it is in w
danger. Perhaps throwing up during a plummet is one of them. Actually I h
didn't throw up, but those around me say they distinctly heard various e
gurgling noises in between the screams. But I wasn't entirely terrified r
the whole time. I have to say that I did manage to keep my eyes open on e
one of the plummets.
Next to the entrance to the Scenic Railway is a rather more mild i
ride for the little kids. It's four giant metal insects that move in a n
roughly circular track at three miles an hour. Between that and the
Scenic Railway are two other miniature "railway" rides of varying t
degrees of terror. I pity the kids on the insects. In just a few years h
they'll be plummeting too. e
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e
WHO KILLED JFK? e
p
The Warren Commission Files (TWCF) are about to be opened! Naturally we e
decided to get them to you first. So, Toxic Custard's daredevil s
reporter decided to jump the gun and sneak in and steal them, just for t
the heck of it. So, here, exclusive to TCWF, are some small snippets
from the files: d
e
- Infamous French assassin Jean leBomb was having a picnic with his p
family on the grassy knoll. His family was discovered to include t
several CIA agents, a number of French underworld figures, and h
Genevieve LeBomb, 5 year-old daughter of JlB, often named as the little s
girl behind the death of Marilyn Monroe. JlB always claimed he was
buying an icecream from an undercover CIA icecream seller when the o
shots were fired at JFK. f
- There was important and often (in fact, always) ignored evidence that t
the President's head was not hit by a bullet - it simply exploded. JFK h
was known to have complained to aides shortly before that he had a e
headache. Mrs JFK (JBK) was heard screaming as the car sped off, "If
only you'd have taken an aspirin!" w
o
- Hollywood producers Chuck Morton and Ralph Bookcase were filming a r
prototype short film in a nearby building. It starred one Lee Harvey l
Oswald (LHO) and was an early version of what we now know as Rambo d
films. LHO played John Wanko, tough, weedy, butch and bulletproof. The ,
film was never found and developed, let alone released.
p
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o
POPSICLE p
Part Four - "Old Rules, New Game" l
e
Popsicle and the Town Hall Booze theft Taskforce had to release crime-
boss Alfredo Cappucino for lack of evidence. This angered Inspector w
Jock Brendan Uneccesary-Violence, who shouted that it had never stopped e
them from bringing charges before. r
While undercover agent Les went for a haircut, Popsicle decided on e
his next move. It would take careful consideration, but would probably
be his Queen, which could be in danger, or perhaps he'd block with a c
pawn. Meanwhile Jock was in as foul a mood as usual, and decided to o
take the initiative and track down an old informant, a so-called m
"Safeway Cracker", a man who could shoplift a packet of Smarties from p
Safeway and get away with it every time. He was pretty good at Snickers l
bars, too. He was nicknamed Tiny by his girlfriend, and the nickname a
had stuck. So had the Snickers bars, on occasions. i
Tradition dictates that informants are usually found in pubs, and n
this story was no exception. The Chicken and Bucket was a pretty nasty i
place in the daytime, let alone at night, when all sorts of vermin n
crawled out of the woodwork to feast on the rotting left-overs. The pub g
management didn't mind too much though - they might be disgusting scum
and vermin, but patrons were patrons, drinks were drinks, sales were a
sales, and money was money, except on those occasions when b
counterfeiter "Filthy" Lou Kerr was in town. o
Jock decided to take Doctor "Goose" Wedge along to meet Tiny. Goose u
had expertly narrowed down the exact details of the alcohol stolen from t
the Town Hall, and Jock suspected that Tiny might be able to indicate
where some of it might be found. Tiny had brought a small sample of the t
alcohol with him, and surreptiously left it on the table for Goose, who h
then promptly disappeared with it to allow Jock and Tiny to complete a e
long, dramatic, and atmospherically lit discussion on the subject of
railway timetables. a
Goose positively identified the alcohol being from the stolen s
casks. There was no doubt - a vital clue had been found. Problem was, p
Tiny didn't know where it had come from, or wouldn't say. i
r
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
YOU, and only YOU, have been reading Toxic n
Custard number 89. And it serves YOU right.
YOU have no-one to blame but YOURself. So j
there. YOU really ought to reply to this o
mail, and get details of TCWF back-issues k
available. Or of course YOU can send mail e
to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | You are probably
Melbourne Australia | now engaged in the
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | ancient Martial Art
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | of Tai Ping.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Everybody's Wearing Toxic Custard
\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\ /\ /\ /\/\/\/ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES\/\/\/\/\/\/
\/ /\ \/ \/ \/ Number 90 - 30th March 1992\/\/\/\/\/\/\
/\ \/ /\ \/ /\ /\/\/ Written by Daniel Bowen/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
\/ /\ \/ /\ \/ \/ daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au/\/\/\/\/\/\
- -/\- - - /\/\/\- -\/\/\/- -/\ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
FASHION
Some bright spark has come up with boxer shorts featuring a velcro fly.
Well, you wouldn't want to get anything caught in it, would you?
The newest thing with cheap clothing is to have a label proclaiming A
that this garment has been exclusively designed in Italy (before being f
manufactured in China, usually). This probably means the company paid t
for Mr Wu from Shanghai to sit in Rome for half an hour to sketch a few e
designs on the sketchpad, before flying back to Peking. r
And of course, there's t-shirt designs. The people who write the
slogans for t-shirts must be out of their minds. Almost as much as us m
lunatics who go out and buy t-shirts that boast "100% Authentic u
Trademark", "Built For Fit", "Made To Last", "Classic Design" and all c
that. Classic design? Yes folks, this t-shirt design was first sketched h
by Leonardo Da Vinci in between inventing helicopters, painting
grinning women, and disemboweling horses. It's been the number one c
selling t-shirt for the "in" crowd since 1637. As worn by Mozart! Marie o
Antoinette wore one at the Guillotine! When Napoleon took one of these n
off and threw it over a chair before he screwed around with Josephine! s
Get yours today! u
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t
Peter Couchman has been getting more adventurous on his discussion and a
argument show. A few weeks ago we saw "Couchman goes to jail". Last t
week, "Couchman on drugs". Couchman seems to be picking up some very i
bad habits. Just as well he's on late at night so the kids don't see o
it. What'll he be up to next, "Couchman on a loose woman"? "Couchman n
vandalises railway stations"? "Couchman goes mugging"? Perhaps ,
"Couchman forgets to buy a condom and gets HIV?"
c
COUCHMAN SHOOTS UP o
n
COUCHMAN: Well, now I'd like to look at the differing views of the s
drugs problem in our society. First to you, Bruce Badger. u
You're a loudmouthed senior citizen who knows nothing about m
the topic but who bullied your way into the studio. What do p
you think? t
i
BRUCE: These druggies should all be rounded up and locked up in little o
rooms with no food or drink or needles until they either get n
better or die from starvation! ,
COUCHMAN: Good. And what would you say to that.. erm.. Ralph Monson? c
You're a former drug user and now a social service worker o
with a degree in socially and psychologically valid arts. n
s
RALPH: Well, I think it's so important to express our inner feelings u
when confronting an issue of this magnitute, and not to oppress m
our self-esteems in any way when doing so, in order to fully a
appreciate and respect each and everyone's mind, body and soul. t
But Mr Badger, and I think I may be being too forward if I i
attempt to refer to you by your primary epitaph, "Bruce", but Mr o
Badger, don't you feel as I do that your reasoning and hence n
proposal for dealing with this problem is a little on the, shall ,
we say, extreme side?
c
BRUCE: Absolutely not. These druggies should all be put up against a o
wall and shot! m
m
COUCHMAN: Quite. Well, I think that the drug users themselves might be i
able to voice their opinions here... what about you, Jenny s
Keilor? e
r
JENNY: Has... has, like, anybody got a joint? a
t
BRUCE: They should all be beheaded! i
o
RALPH: Sorry to respond negatively Jenny, but I don't, I freaked out n
totally when I saw the heavy security concious fascist mode
uniformed bloke at the door, and I threw all my stash into the a
gutter. And Mr Badger, I don't feel that your appraisal of the n
situation is aiding the maintenance of harmony at this stage. d
COUCHMAN: Just at this point, I would like to delve further in one c
particular direction for a moment. What in fact is the going o
price for heroin these days? Is anyone in the audience in a n
position to tell us this? f
u
MAN: Yeah, here you go. Is this enough? That'll be $600. s
i
BRUCE: They should be hung, chopped into little bits, run over with a o
steam roller and fed to the dolphins at Melbourne Zoo. It's the n
only humane thing to do! ,
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I
STUCK IN TRAFFIC '
v
C'mon... *HONK* Get out the way! *HONK* I've been stuck here for ten e
minutes now.. *HONK* Listen, if I wanted to be stuck in a bunch of cars
standing still, I would have gone to a carpark. *HONK* It's not as if d
the view is particularly inspiring.. *HONK* On one side there's a e
concrete wall, and on the other side is a rail line with trains c
whizzing by, and it's really really pissing me off quite badly! *HONK* i
Okay, okay, gotta calm down.. take it slowly.. slow.. relax.. slow.. d
time.. time.. time 8:56.. due at work.. work at 9:00.. slow.. boss will e
castrate me.. castrate me then throw me out the window to let the d
seagulls eat me.. relax. *HONK* Okay, now I'm getting severely into a
severely severe mood! *HONK* *HONK* My heartrate is rising *HONK* t
*HONK* This is getting severely stressful *HONK* I'm warnin' you.. h
*HONK* If I have to keep sounding this horn, my head's gonna fuckin' i
explode! s
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
Well, that's about enough Toxic Custard for e
this week. I fully suspect that Popsicle will n
return next week. Meanwhile, back-issues are t
still available. Please ask about them, you e
bastards! Reply to this, or send mail to n
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu c
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
--
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved. i
(Okay, so I forgot that bit last week.) s
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | I saw Jesus on Friday night c
Melbourne Australia | at Flinders Street Railway r
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | Station. He was making a a
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | phone call. I wonder who to? p
.
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
