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The Toxic Custard Workshop Episoder 081 to 085
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
*********************PARTS EIGHTY-ONE TO EIGHTY-FIVE************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Fair Dinkum Toxic Custard
Toxic Custard is viewable only on recycled screens! (This screen has W
been displaying other stuff hasn't it? Good, then it's recycled!) e
l
----------------------------------------- ____ l
toxic custard workshop files number 81 ___/ __\_> ,
27th january 1992 - australia day holiday / /
written by daniel bowen \ I
----------------------------------------- AUSTRALIAN WRIT
s
I went to McDonalds the other day. I don't feel so bad about it since p
they stopped putting CFCs into their burgers, you know. You notice they e
didn't have a big fanfare about it. They obviously want everyone to n
forget they ever *did* use the things. t
Anyway, the robots ask for your order, take your money, ask you
whether you mind waiting an extra thirty seconds for your fries, then t
proclaim that you must, under all circumstances, "Enjoy your meal!" It h
seems that recently someone has told them not to add this proclaimation r
when all you've asked for is a small bag of fries. "Here are your e
fries, skinflint. Enjoy your meal. Oh, is it all you can afford? Well, e
maybe you should go and lie in a gutter somewhere, if you're that
poor?" And oh yes, it's always fries, isn't it. Not chips, oh no. We're d
not plebs here, we serve only fries. No madam, if you want fish and a
chips, fuck off to the fish and chips shop. y
Of course, it's the school holidays, so once you get your tray and s
start looking for a seat your knees are immediately attacked by
fifty-seven dwarves running to the toilet at once while battling each t
other in small groups with their chocolate sundaes. Embattled in straw r
to straw combat while launching a bombardment of thickshakes on their y
friends in the corner. And seventy-four teenagers having a pre and/or i
post-film fluorescentlit dinner for ten. n
Naturally you eat your fries by stuffing them into your mouth two g
at a time. You never do that with real chips now, do you. No. It's an
automatic mental reaction developed over the centuries through t
evolution. As a result, modern man knows when his fries are too thin to o
eat one at a time.
Your burger packet tells you that it's 100% Australian Beef! If t
you're in Australia, that is. In America, no doubt it's 100% American h
Beef! In England they'll be eating 100% British Beef (hopefully with no i
McMad McCow McDisease). So I wonder, what do they stuff into the n
burgers at the McDonalds in Moscow? Not Russian beef, surely. I mean k
for a start it would be a bugger to find any that hadn't frozen solid
in a train just west of St Petersburg. And if they did find any, it o
would probably only enhance the glowing reputation of McDonalds food. f
Literally.
a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
Why do clock-radio SNOOZE buttons give you just nine minutes grace? A
Just nine short minute's extra time to conserve energy for the u
remainder of the rigours of the day. In fact, the SNOOZE button isn't s
for snoozing. The nine minutes was calculated by a committee of s
Japanese technicians at a conference outside Fukushima in 1973 as the i
optimum time that they think you can have a quick snog in. No, I don't e
wish to hear from you people out there who can manage it in 9 seconds.
Of course, there's those of us who just want to gain a little extra s
sleep through judicious use of the SNOOZE button. I've got hitting that i
button down to a fine art, even when I do want to get up straight away. d
The method favoured by many is to set the alarm clock for 9 minutes e
before when you should get up. The other option is to get one of those w
combined clock-radio-cassette recorders, and get it to wake you up at a
full volume with a tape of the chimes of Big Ben followed by a y
recording of your mother screaming "GET UP AND OUT OF BED YOU LAZY s
GOOD-FOR-NOTHING!" If nothing else can propel you out of the land of
nod and onto the floor, that will. m
e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s
s
Ever had to tell people something that they're expecting slightly less a
than the news of World War 3 starting? You talk to them on the phone g
and they ask you "what's up", and you first claim that "nothing much, e
the usual", before eventually breaking down and admitting that yes, .
you're engaged to someone they might never have heard of, but hey, it's
all going really well and.. hello? hello? It's about then you call them B
an ambulance and vow to announce it to the next person in such a way u
that you can render them medical assistance should they need it when t
their jaw dislocates itself from the rest of their mouth and falls to
the floor in shock. s
t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
e
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... w
The telephone. Now there's a useful thing. A little box with buttons. t
But not just a little box with buttons. With that tiny marvel of h
electronics linked to lots of other, larger and more expensive marvels
of electronics, you have the ability to talk to people (and c
receptionists) down the street, across the city, around the world, and o
down the street. You have the power to ring up Telecom to complain b
about how high your phone bill is this quarter. Amazing. b
And you can ring up a government department and get stuck on the e
line for 45 minutes listening to crackly polyphonic boring Muzak r
versions of either the latest Kylie Minogue (s)hit, or that very act of ,
artistic heresy itself - a version of the Beatles greatest hits.
Eleanor Rigby on a xylophone just doesn't have that certain.... Anyway, I
why do they do that? Why do that send that crap down the phone line to
you? Simple - they're trying to get you to hang up. They don't want the c
hassle of having to talk to you. They're a bureaucracy. Pen-pushing o
pillocks. They don't want any communication with you whatsoever except u
the occasional notice from them to confirm your death. "Dear Sir/Madam, l
this letter is to notify you that you are dead." d
The latest thing now is telephonic viruses. Be careful who you pick n
up the phone to. And remember to always place a condom on the receiver. '
t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All involved deny that the previous stuff you t
have been reading was the Toxic Custard h
Workshop Files. We must also add that any i
rumours that back-issues can be obtained by n
mailing tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu are completely k
false. And we will refute them until lunchtime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
f
WORDS OF THE WEEK:
The new term for a large number of Australians of o
below-average intelligence - A Basketball Team. n
e
-- .
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne Australia | You're as sane as meep beep bong beep.
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au |
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
_______________________________________________________________________________
Alcohlic Toshic Cushtard
Help! Help! Where's my notepad? I'm lost without my notepad! You see,
during the week I write all my ideas in my notepad. Such brilliant
ideas as "buy a new notepad!" And now it's Sunday, and time to write
this stuff. And some git has nicked it. Maybe it's the Tree Liberation
people. Listen.. that section of tree has had it as far as treedom
goes, right? I know I should have got a recycled one, but I couldn't
find any that day. And I promise I'll recycle it when I'm finished with
it, so please give it back. Oh, it wasn't them - I just found it on the
floor.
: :::::: ::::::: ::::::: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
:::::: :::::: : : : : : : :
: : : : : ::::: ::::::: ::::::: Number 82- 3rd February 1992
: : : : : : : : :
::::: :::::: ::::::: : ::::::: ::::::: Written by Daniel Bowen
PARTY HINTS:
- Don't have one. You'll be regretting it for the rest of your life, as W
every day you'll find another piece of rubbish or a stain you hadn't e
seen before. l
l
- Keep control of the music. Don't let the alcoholic headbanger of the ,
party take over or you'll have wall to wall heavy metal all evening as
he gets completely pissed and lies in the garden, still banging his i
head on the garden path to the Slayer album someone was irresponsible t
enough to bring along. '
s
- Make sure no-one strays from the garden into the house. Grass is
easier to clean than carpet, and is considerably cheaper, even if you b
do have to mow it. e
e
- Don't let any electrical engineering students do the lighting. You n
could end up electrocuting ten people and blacking-out the state.
a
- If you're going to have a barbecue, make sure there's someone sober
around who knows how to try to work it. Try not to let any intoxicated l
persons near the gas supply or the matches. o
n
- Do not let people who can't cook, cook. g
- When using party sparklers, do not wave them at passing aircraft, d
particularly when in the vicinity of an airport. a
y
- Always have a conversation starter ready for the dreaded and ,
inevitable lull during the early stages of the party when everyone sits
around talking quietly. Experts have identified a condition known as a
Sudden Party Global Quietness, whereby everyone suddenly and
unexpectedly stops talking at once, leaving only the loud music and the l
quiet headbanging from the garden as the only sounds in the otherwise o
silent darkness. n
g
- Try to prevent lights exploding.
e
- Do not, under any account, let in people that you don't know. Subject v
all entrants to interrogation, search and "identify the host" e
procedures. n
i
- Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger bring along n
his baseball bat. g
- Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger and his a
baseball bat get into arguments with other guests, no matter how n
trivial or insignificant these arguments might seem to be at first d
glance.
i
- Do not encourage those possessing baseball bats to go clubbing. t
'
- Have someone ready to turn the electricity off at the fusebox to s
plunge the house into darkness and silence the moment there is any hint
of the constabulary being in the immediate vicinity. And hope they g
don't hear a hundred people screaming "What happened to the lights?", e
"I can't see a thing!" and "Whoever that is, get your hand off me!" t
t
- Keep your pets safe out of harm's way. They will probably agree with i
this. n
g
- Purchase plenty of provisions in advance so that people don't have to
get lost somewhere in suburbia for hours in search of an open bottle t
shop. o
- To deal with the neigbours, either buy them a family pack of earplugs b
or invite them to get sloshed with everyone else. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
George Bush has announced that the United States will make no more l
nuclear bombs. Apparently the US has abandoned the idea of wanting to o
destroy the world fifty times over, and will in future be satisfied n
with destroying it just once. g
Meanwhile Russian leader Boris Yeltsin has said that Russian
nuclear missiles will no longer be pointed at US cities. So, it could n
be asked, what will they be pointed at? Our exclusive TCWF sources have i
been investigating this and have obtained information that reveals that g
all Russian nuclear missiles are now pointed at a small outside toilet h
three miles north of the outback town of Yalgoo, in Western Australia. t
The reason for this is that the recently abolished KGB found that ,
someone had written grafitti in the toilet expressing doubts about Mr
Yeltsin's sexual preferences, the dimensions and effectiveness of his s
genitals, and had likened his facial expressions to the side of Ayer's o
Rock.
I
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ '
The tildestic line above signals that this is the l
end of another moronic edition of the Toxic Custard l
Workshop Files. Other, older, moronic editions of
TCWF are available - reply to this, or send mail to j
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. u
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
-- t
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
-- s
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | a
Melbourne Australia | y
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au |
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | z
z
z
z
Will someone please z
put this signature z
quote back where it's z
supposed to be? z
z
z
_______________________________________________________________________________
Bubblewrapped Toxic Custard pop pop pop
When newsreaders have a conversation at home, does a sign light up
behind their right shoulder with a little picture of the topic?
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\******* *******//////////////////////////////
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES * * * WRITTEN BY DANIEL BOWEN
******* ******
Number * * * 10th February 1992 T
//////////////////////////////******* *******\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ H
I
SHOPPING HINTS S
When you go to shop for some new expensive stuff, such as a new stereo,
dress like a slob. That way, the salesmen won't try and push you too i
hard into buying something, because they don't think you'll buy s
anything because they think you haven't got any money. In fact, you
might find it difficult to attract the attention of any of the staff, t
with the exception of the security personnel. You might find that h
opening your wallet to count your $500 cash will do the trick. e
The other problem comes when you've bought the item from the bloke
who says "No problems" constantly, and are lugging the big heavy box T
home by walking the short distance back from the shop. The box is of C
course twice the size of the actual item within, in accordance with W
packing standards also commonly applied to breakfast cereals. This also F
explains the rattling within. The box will probably not be very heavy,
but, also in accordance with packing standards, will be just slightly t
too big for you to carry comfortably. h
Of course the problem is that you look extremely suspicious when e
dressed like a slob carrying a huge box which says "Mitsanyasonic y
XLD-3000 Bloody Fantasticly Expensive Thing" in big black letters on
the side. Every time you pass someone, you may have to strategically t
mention to whoever is with you that you hate "carrying this heavy gear h
back from the shop". Do not under any circumstances mention things o
which may sound suspicious to passers-by such as "oh man, it was murder u
getting it off the back of the truck." It may also be wise to stop g
buying expensive consumer electronics for a while and save up for a car h
to take home all the expensive consumer electronics which you won't be t
able to afford once you have a car.
w
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
u
Research has revealed that sports commentators scream like crazy to l
make sure everyone watching at home is awake when the good bits happen d
during the game. The rest of the time, they restrain themselves, merely n
making quiet comments so you can doze off. They make sure to turn up '
the volume during the commercial breaks so you're awake for that, but t
otherwise they let the audience snooze in peace. So that when you wake
up, your memory is full of highlights of the game, so you can think it m
was a really exciting action-packed fifteen minutes whereas it was in a
fact a completely and utterly dull seven hours. k
Research has also shown that in a cricket game when there's about e
to be a catch, and when, indeed, the ball is in the air, nine out of
ten commentators shout "it's in the air...!" Soccer commentators are i
well known for shouting "goal!!" while the crowd goes completely crazy t
and the players run around hugging each other, making the description .
of what just happened also fairly superfluous.
T
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
e
If you watched the opening of the Winter Olympics, you'd have noticed y
the new, novel way of lighting the flame. A fireball from the torch
runs up the wire to the flame. Watching this carefully, you'll notice t
that the flame lights before the fireball gets to it. Looks a bit h
suspicious to me... o
So, in search of a good joke, TCWF investigated, and got on the u
phone with Jacques de Frog, the designer of the flame. He explained g
that there was absolutely no cheating with the flame, but that because h
it was built precisely to the French design by French workmen using t
French materials, the whole thing was a total cock-up. Apparently
although the French are good at blowing up Greenpeace ships and small n
Pacific islands, they're no good at lighting fires. So basically the o
whole thing was rigged. But the bloke who lit the gas had set his watch -
wrong. o
Mr de Frog also revealed exclusively to us that Albertville, where n
the Winter Olympics are being held, was second choice. They were going e
to be held at Aix-les-Bains, but this was changed because apart from
the Canadians, none of the foreign television sports people could w
pronounce it. o
"It's been another tough day for the Australians in the Winter u
Olympics at Aches-less-Banes, if that's how you pronounce it. Former l
Commonwealth ski-slalom champion Barry Bonza fell down a mountain in d
the middle of an avalanche during the heats, was buried under snow and
tourist coaches for six hours and was finally found at 3am and taken to l
hospital where doctors reported that he had broken every single little a
bone in his entire body, including a number that they hadn't previously u
known about." g
h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, we're sorry that Irene Busybody hasn't been seen a
for two weeks, but she's gone on holiday. She or a t
relative of hers will be back next week. Anyway,
there are more important things to worry about. There i
is terrible hunger and suffering in the world. t
Readers who wish to donate to the Make Daniel Bowen A .
Very Rich Man By Lunchtime Saturday fund may do so by
sending all cash, jewellry, bananas and small blonde
furry animals to PO Box 141, Southland Centre For The
Terminally Thick Consumer, Victoria 3192, Australia. T
Donations will never be seen again, but you are h
assured that all proceeds will go straight to the e
author. y
Meanwhile, if all you want in life is a big desk,
a packet of bubblewrap for popping all day long, a w
pen you can paint walls with, a big house in the e
country with owls in the roof and frightening things r
in the moat, a grand piano in the toilet and a e
complete set of TCWF back-issues, you can send mail
to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details on acquiring the r
latter. If you *really want* to. i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g
h
-- t
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen .
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Rumours abound that McDonalds will use
Melbourne Australia | robots to make hamburgers. Maccas deny
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | that they've been using robots to serve
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | the customers for years.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Chocolate Chip Toxic Custard
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Signatures have a vital place on the net,
Melbourne Australia | and this is a move to increase the
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | visibility of signatures in every day mail.
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Looks much better, doesn't it!
--
Good evening, and welcome to Toxic Custard.
...
S
Who wrote this crap? i
d
c d p s r y r T C W F 8 4 e
oxi ustar orksho ile umbe ight - ou 17th February 1992 w
T C W F N E F by Daniel Bowen a
----------------------------------------------------------------------- y
(These title bits just get sillier and sillier) s
------------------BUSYBODIES THROUGH THE AGES PRESENT------------------ m
---------------A HISTORICALLY COMPLETELY WRONG PRODUCTION-------------- e
OG, PREHISTORIC ANCESTOR OF IRENE BUSYBODY, SPEAKS OUT ON.. s
s
Fire. This "fire" thing, it'll never catch on, you know. It's a totally a
flawed concept. You're telling me you can bake a whole mammoth by g
rubbing two sticks together? No chance. I mean, I know they go on about e
friction and heat and stuff, but does it really work? I went to the s
cave sparklighting competition last week, and not one person could get .
the competition twig lit. And if they ever do get it going, you can bet
it'll just start raining. That'll put paid to that. W
Then there's the wheel. The developers are promising mobility to h
the masses once they get their wheels coming off the production line. o
Now, I might be a prehistoric caveman with the intellect of rock, but
even I can see that it's not going to work until they take that wheel w
off their heads and put it on the ground. It'll have to turn when it's a
vertical, too. Not parallel with the ground. Otherwise, it's just going s
to make holes.
Those blokes that keep painting themselves green to blend with the t
forest, the "Greenies", are rabbitting on at the moment about how the h
dinosaurs are nearly extinct, and they reckon we should stop hunting e
them for our tribal paint. Well how are we meant to paint our nice
pictures on the cave walls and all over each other without paint? After t
all, red is the IN colour right now. Anyway, they'll never be extinct. w
They'll keep surviving. Dinosaurs will be around as long as dolphins i
will be. t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
w
AIDS. AIDS is a serious problem. We know it can be spread by particular h
types of sexual behaviour. And we know it can be spread by sharing o
needles during drug use. Scientists considered these two facts, and
then conducted nearly two years of research to find another link in the i
AIDS chain. Their discovery was terrifying. It's true, AIDS can be n
spread by sex, drugs.. and rock'n'roll. v
Research continues into the ease of the spread of the virus with e
different types of music. But already there is a clear message coming n
out - Never, EVER, listen to rock'n'roll without wearing a condom. t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
d
A package arrived the other day
Got here quick, only mailed last May t
It looked like it was addressed to me h
So I took a look and yes, yipee! e
ANOTHER m
It was well wrapped up so I found a knife <----BORING ?
Want to see inside before the end of life POEM
Two hours later I had opened it H
Nothing good inside, just a load of shit e
The whole package was dull, totally boring s
So out with it all, straight in the bin h
And I'm left with the package on my lap o
Oh joy, hooray, it's bubblewrap! u
l
So of course, what can I do? d
But pop all the bubbles until I go blue
All else doesn't matter, I'll ignore what they say b
This bubblewrap keeps me busy for days e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
h
It's getting harder and harder to use automatic bank teller machines. u
Quite apart from remembering the magic number, there is the question of r
ensuring that your clothing doesn't clash with the brightly glaring t
colours of your card. You wouldn't want to be seen stuck in an ATM
queue with a clashing card now, would you? The best solution is to plan a
ahead. Compare your various clothing, and join a range of banks that
give you different coloured cards, so you can make sure you always have l
a card to match your clothing. Actually, it's only got to be a matter o
of time before someone develops a chameleon ATM card, which changes to t
the right colour no matter what you're wearing. .
Then there's actually using the machine. Once upon a time no-one
knew when to press which multicoloured buttons. Now of course they've
simplified the machines and made them more friendly.
PLEASE INSERT YOUR CARD TO BEGIN TRANSACTION
GOOD MORNING/AFTERNOON/EVENING, MR D BOWEN 4983 28362943. I AM THE O
NEW AZ5000 BANK MACHINE. HOW ARE YOU TODAY, MR D BOWEN 4983 28362943? h
PLEASE PRESS 1 FOR "FINE THANKS."
PLEASE PRESS 2 FOR "PRETTY GOOD." y
PLEASE PRESS 3 FOR "NOT BAD APART FROM A SMALL CRICK IN THE BACK OF e
MY NECK AND I'VE GOT A SORE THROAT AND A LITTLE a
BLISTER ON MY BIG TOE." h
PLEASE PRESS 4 FOR "OH MAN, I HAVE GOT ONE MOTHER OF A HANGOVER. BUT .
WHAT A NIGHT. YOU'D HAVE LOVED IT, IF YOU WEREN'T A .
MACHINE." .
PLEASE PRESS 5 FOR "WHY DON'T YOU PISS OFF AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS,
YOU STUPID BANK MACHINE PARASITE." i
t
The next step is an extension of the existing bank machines, following
the path of technology and of humankind. It's a new concept in service w
for the customer, and will be called the Automatic Bonk Machine, or the a
Automatic Wank Machine. The hole in the wall, so to speak. s
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ m
Rumours abound that you have been reading another e
tropical episode of the Toxic Custard Workshop .
Files. Back-issues are still sitting piled up in
an imaginery pile.. so please, reply to this mail
or send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu to find out
how to imaginerily help us get rid of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
_______________________________________________________________________________
Overwhelmingly POPSICLE! Boring POPSICLE! Toxic POPSICLE! Custard
___ ___ __ __ __
| | | | |_ |__| |__ Monday, 24th February 1992
|oxic |___ustard |_|_|orkshop | iles |__| .__| Written by Daniel Bowen
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOR ALL LOVERS OF THE BORING F
Relationships are never easy, but they can be near-impossible for o
those of us who have fallen deeply and passionately in love with r
someone who is dull, tedious and overwhelmingly uninterestng. Our new
manuals explain explicitly, precisely and concisely how to start and a
maintain a relationship with people who are totally and utterly l
terminally boring. l
Titles include:
- How To Woo A Train Spotter t
- How To Seduce A Stamp Collector h
- How To Root A Systems Analyst o
- How To Bonk A Butterfly Collector s
- How To Attract An Accountant e
- How To Screw A Stock Market Yuppie
- How To Entangle With An Evangelist n
- How To Lie With A Lecturer o
- How To Tongue-Kiss A Toxic Custard Subscriber t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
b
Meanwhile, on the small planet of Spong (population 57 green monsters o
with 8 heads each) the Spong Record Industry Association has come out t
with the inaugural Spong Rock Charts. h
e
S P O N G R O C K M U S I C C H A R T S r
TW LW WI TITLE i
1 - - Splinge On My Mind - Moizodboidisms n
2 - - Chloro Girls With Big Mizzens - Bert Wimplezoidfarnon g
3 - - The Spong Stuff - Non Flinyins On The Brinc
t
The shortness of the list can be explained by the fact that with a o
population of only 57, that was all the records sold on the entire
planet of Spong last week. Non Flinyins On The Brinc are well known on r
Spong as the second worst musicians in the universe, and only made the e
charts because a 937 year-old Spongian granny bought their record a
because she thought it would make a great gift. A copy also got bought d
last week by the Spongian Planetary Hospital, as an experiment to
attempt to cure constipation. With sixteen ears each, the Spongians t
really do have the edge on primitive Earth "stereo". But their audio h
products do cost eight times as much. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
a
Popsicle burst through the screen with more exploding bits of glass c
than an exploding glass factory. He was back with a bang, and he knew t
it, as he stood tall, riding high on the crest of popularity he knew he u
was bound to be riding high on now that the author had decided to a
resurrect him for another thrilling adventure in a last-minute effort l
to bump up Toxic Custard 85 Monday 24th February 1992 Written by Daniel
Bowen to a reasonable length. This, surely, would be enough to make T
TCWF a decent size. C
Popsicle looked around him, at his surroundings, which were the W
things that were around him. Things were looking very bright for him F
indeed, so he put his sunglasses on before his eyes sustained any
permanent damage. t
Dim as usual in the distance, he spotted his all-time best-known h
colleague, Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, speeding towards him in a i
relatively flat trajectory in a huge and vast police car, terrifying s
the people in front of it and polluting the air behind it. The
Inspector and the car screeched to a halt on top of Popsicle's left w
foot, but Popsicle was far too cool to be bothered by this. He got into e
the car and waited until the tyre had left the environs of his shoe e
before he pulled his foot inside and closed the door. They were once k
more on their way into yet another terrifically exciting and probably ,
violent adventurous mishap with some criminal type people of the world.
Popsicle, the Inspector and the author held a quick imaginary y
conference outside the confines of the story and agreed at gunpoint not o
to hold the usual introductory bit at the Australian Royal Security u
Establishment headquarters. '
In fact, A.R.S.E headquarters was undergoing a move of location due r
to complaints about the screaming from the neighbours. When interviewed e
by investigative journalist and former lollypop man John Johns, one of
them commented "Well, it's all very well them torturing suspects m
mercilessly in the horrible depths of the dungeons at the bottom of the i
building using ancient and hideous equipment developed by the world's s
most evil sadistic maniac bastard scientists, but do they have to do it s
when I'm trying to get to sleep? I work an early shift, you know." i
So, A.R.S.E headquarters consulted with the music recording n
industry and built, at taxpayers' expense, of course, a brand new g
sound-proofed headquarters in the inner-city, complete with special
tweeter and woofer departments. t
Meanwhile, completely independent of the background information, h
Popsicle and the Inspector, having dumped the author in a small ditch e
next to the road, sped on to wherever the hell they were going. With
the sirens blaring so the Inspector could drive as fast as he liked, r
and like a complete lunatic, they passed more streets than in a street e
directory in less time than it takes to boil an egg. Well, something t
like that, anyway. Shall we just settle for "quite fast"? u
Popsicle got on the radio, which was conveniently disguised as a r
Toblerone. Apart from all the static and stuff which was directly n
related to the low effectiveness of a radio disguised as a Toblerone,
the conversation went like this: o
f
Popsicle: HQ.. This is Popsicle. What the hell are we doing in this
story? P
o
HQ: You're the hero. p
s
Popsicle: No, I mean where are going. What are we doing, and who's the i
villain and all that stuff." c
l
HQ: We don't know yet. The author has vanished. We can't find any trace e
of him. Maybe you shouldn't have left him in that ditch. .
Popsicle: Yeah yeah yeah sure. So what do we do now?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, we're out of time, and so is the author,
so that's all of TCWF for this week. Back-issues
are still available, reply to this, or send mail (
to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details of how to get W
your little mits on 'em. h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen '
-- s
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | As a tribute to band member Harry Wall,
Melbourne Australia | who is in hospital, heavy-metal band h
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | Megabogue have re-released their early e
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | hit "I've Got A Big Dick, Baby". It's ?
called the "Remixed Big Dick". )
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
