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The Toxic Custard Workshop Episoder 051 to 055
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
********************PARTS FIFTY-ONE TO FIFTY-FIVE***************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
______________________________________________________________________________
INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH TOXIC CUSTARD
_____ ____ ____
| / \ /\ / | ####### ### Number 51, 1st July 19 A
| | \ / \ / |___ ## ## 9
| \____ \/ \/ | ##### ## b134tbp2@vx24.cc.m 1 r
O U O I ## ## d o . u
X S R L ## ## e is is stupid.. n . s
I T K E ## ## h a . h
C A S S ## ## , T..... ua.ude.hs W e
R H ## ## ## n r d
D O #### ###### ewoB leinaD yb netti
____________________P____________________________________________________ j
o
WELL KNOWN LOAD OF CRAP IN NAME CHANGE HOSTAGE DRAMA CRISIS SCANDAL b
Okay, okay, so we know you got a message two weeks ago saying the sequel (
to TCWF would be known as Noxious Pudding. But the truth, the utter truth n
is that a volkswagen of Toxic terrorists from Canada burst into the o
Workshop and demanded on pain of tickling that we keep the name the same. t
And as the tickling was to be done with barbed wire on the soles of our
feet, who were we to argue? t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
a
The man with the biggest feet in the world, Irish-born, Italian-raised t
Giovanni O'Shamus caused an upset at Wimbledon during the week, when he
stepped on his opponent in the first round of the Men's Singles. The i
squashed man, American Rocky Steinburger was rushed to hospital but was t
pronounced flat on arrival. O'Shamus, who is ranked forty-three thousandth '
in the world, claimed he had been unable to see because John McEnroe's ego s
had got in the way, obscuring most of the court, making it too dark to see
where he was going. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
y
It's very dark.
HOW DO YOU KNOW? e
Because it looks very dark. x
YOU SURE? c
Yes. u
YOU HAVEN'T GOT YOUR EYES CLOSED? s
I don't believe so. e
YOU AREN'T WEARING SUNGLASSES? ,
No.
SURE? o
Yes. f
ARE YOU LOCKED IN A VERY SMALL ROOM WITH NO LIGHT?
No. c
ON YOUR HEAD DO YOU HAVE A STRANGE TYPE OF BLACK CARDBOARD CYLINDER o
CONSTRUCTED OF THE FINEST RE-CYCLED PAPER BY BOLIVIAN PEASANTS AND u
PLACED ON YOUR HEAD BY THE SECRET SERVICE TO PREVENT YOU GIVING AWAY r
ANY DETAILS OF MILITARY MANOEUVRES BY THE 1ST ARMED WOMBATS DIVISION s
NEXT WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON DURING THEIR 1991 INNAUGURAL CRAWL ACROSS A e
BUSY ROAD FOR AFTERNOON TEA AND SCONES IN THE TRADITIONAL MILITARY )
MARSUPIAL FASHION ACCOMPANIED BY BEETHOVEN'S 5TH PLAYED ON A LITTLE
TAPE RECORDER CONCEALED IN THE POUCH OF A NEARBY SCOTSMAN WHO HAS BEEN H
ACQUITTED OF CORRUPTION CHARGES? a
Oh yeah, that must be it. s
WHAT, THE PUNCHLINE? n
I hope not, it was very predictable. Is this the best the author can come '
up with? t
APPARENTLY. I EXPECT HE'S BEEN BUSY. I HAVE A QUESTION ACTUALLY.
What is it? e
WHAT IS WHAT? v
The question. e
OH, THE QUESTION. THE QUESTION IS, WHAT IS DARK? n
I don't know, I can't see it.
OH. SO YOU DON'T KNOW IF IT'S VERY COLOURFUL OR NOT? g
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
t
ART NEWS
The art world was rocked yesterday at the announcement of Professor Hans a
Von Fabre of the discovery of a new primary colour. The fourth primary n
colour, to be known as hans, will revolutionise art and technology all y
over the world. TV News services worldwide have not been able to broadcast
pictures of the new colour because TV sets are manufactured to generate S
pictures from blue red and green, but not hans. Electronics companies have h
welcomed the new colour, saying it will increase their income by making a
everyone go out to buy new TVs and computer monitors. Art critics have k
acclaimed hans as being able to bring a new lease of life to the art e
world. s
p
LEASE OF LIFE e
Need to get a life? Why not lease one? A range of lives are available on a a
cheap danger-free lease plan. Come down to our showroom and have a look at r
the new Winter '91 range of lives. Everything from the super-intelligent e
life of a Professor of Dead Horse Studies at Oxford University right down !
to the lowest of life-forms, movie critic, sports commentator, Stallone
clone, or world leader. O
h
HORSE RACING
Tragedy struck the owners of Fast Sausage yesterday when the horse was w
accidentally put in the wrong horse-box and sent to be slaughtered and e
turned into 200 cans of dog-food. The owners said that they don't mind l
very much, and look forward to getting rid of more useless horses this l
way. Fast Sausage's descendants, two ponies (Pork Sausage and Long ,
Sausage) will be cared for by the St Pharlap's Home for Orphaned Horses.
m
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
y
From wiseacre@josiah.rc Sat Jun 29 17:08:21 1991 b
Date: Sat, 29 June 91 17:08:16 +1000 e
From: Father H Wiseacre <wiseacre@josiah.rc>
To: marye@jerusalem.rc n
Subject: Peace be with you e
x
Dear Sister Mary, t
Just a quick note to say that the money raised from the Save The w
Orphans Bingo Night was a princely $157, but that on the instructions e
of the bishop, $80 of that has gone to the Church's investment fund. e
In the three o'clock at Flemington, apparently. k
.
I hope the orphans are well. Little urchins, some of them. Have you
recovered the orphanage front door yet? And I hope that delivery man T
is out of intensive-care. Regards, C
W
Father Harry F
--
wiseacre@josiah.rc 5
"In the beginning, there was darkness." Genesis 1:1 2
,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has been the rather pathetic comeback of Toxic Custard. o
Numbers 1 to 50 are now available on anonymous ftp from: u
ftp.cs.widener.edu [192.55.239.132] in pub/tcwf t
coombs.anu.edu.au [130.56.96.2] in pub/TCWF
or via e-mail; send mail to archive-server@cs.widener.edu saying 8
help to get full details, or index tcwf for a list of TCWF. t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ h
Related brain injuries available: Rocket Roger, inflicted by
e-mail from rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu J
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ u
-- l
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen y
--
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | The White House has just announced
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | that George Bush will leave
-----------------------------------------+ hospital shortly.
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu In a box.
______________________________________________________________________________
A R T I F I C I A L L Y F L A V O U R E D ....................
___ _ _ _ _ ___ _ _ _ ___ __ . by Daniel Bowen
| | | \/ | | | | | |_ | |_| |_| | \ |__ __| . tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
| |_| /\ | |_ |_ |_| _| | | | | \ |_/ ___| |__ .
......................................................... 8th July 1991
Special thanks to Lori Boren and Brian Smith ....................
......................................................... D
e
We are very proud to announce that next Friday the 5th of July 1991 is a
World Spit In A Rich Bastard's Face day. Millions of people worldwide r
will take the opportunity to get-back at rich bastards around the
globe. Not only is the event going to raise charity money, it will o
also be immense fun for the majority of the participants (ie, the h
spitters).
A representative of the Rich Important People's Occidental d
Fellow's Federation (a well known rich-bastard's association) claimed e
that anyone in the entire world who even considered thinking about a
spitting in one of their member's faces would be violently threatened, r
made unemployable and probably sued out of existence. ,
However, organisers of the day have expressed their disagreement,
saying that they have found a loophole in international law that makes h
it legal to spit in the face of anyone earning more than $75,000 per e
year. r
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
Police are investigating the mysterious collision between a car and a y
fast moving tree on the Nepean Highway earlier in the week. A police o
spokesman said he'd personally beaten up ten people in the past u
fortnight before he realised the microphone was on. He then went on to
say that the "Black Box" drive-recorder had been recovered from the a
wreckage of the car, and had been analysed. He said that a transcript r
of the last moments of the car before the collision had been prepared, e
and that he had listened to it, but that no, the media couldn't report
it. He commented that perhaps that joke would be expanded at a later a
date. g
All occupants of the car thankfully escaped uninjured, but most of a
the occupants of the tree, including a rare type of owl, were killed i
in the collision. The driver of the car swore blind to police that the n
tree had come from nowhere at high-speed, without even using its ,
indicators.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
e
FUN-RUN REEBOK MASSACRE a
The 1991 New York Fun-Run-let's-dash-through-the-city-out-of-breath- d
and-die-of-heart-attacks-afterwards-Marathon was struck by tragedy i
half an hour into the event, when local neighbourhood gunmen opened n
fire on the runners. When the police arrived a short while afterwards g
(as they occasionally do when massacres occur), they found more than
250 dead joggers, all missing their Reeboks. Blame has been placed t
equally on the professional Reebok re-selling gang involved and the h
kind of idiots who pay more than $250 for a matching set of two rubber i
and leather containers for feet. s
Rumours abound that the real people behind the affair are in fact
a consortium of Reebok's rivals in the shoe business (there's no d
business like.. no no no). Nike's advertising agency recently came up r
with a slogan that said "Okay, so you can get killed bungee-jumping in i
Nike's shoes if you're stupid enough to attach the rope like that, but v
you're more likely to be murdered in Reeboks." The same agency then e
offered the Reebok a campaign based around "Reebok - terminally l
fantastic". .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
D
From: marye@jerusalem.rc o
Date: Fri, 5 July 91 14:22:27 +1000 n
From: Sister Mary Existentiala <marye@jerusalem.rc> '
To: wiseacre@josiah.rc t
Subject: Re: Peace be with you
y
Dear Father Harry, o
u
Thank you for your note of last week, it's always a pleasure to hear
from you. I was delighted to hear of the Bingo Night proceeds. The h
Bishop recently asked for a portion of our grocery budget for Church a
purposes, too. He muttered something about St Trifecta's Holy Convent. v
The orphans are adapting well to the change in our menu, which is a e
relief. (Coincidentally, the Sisters and I are expecting to earn quite
a hefty sum upon publication of our cookbook, "1,095 Ways to Serve a
Gruel".) n
y
We are hoping to use some of the proceeds from the cookbook to replace t
the front door; meantime thank God the weather has been mild. We've h
been using the large crucifix, which some of the older boys pried i
down from over the altar, to dissuade would-be trespassers. n
g
Yes, all of the orphans are well, though little Brian is still
suffering a bit with the flash burns, and yet another delivery man has b
succumbed to their pranks. It's as well that they couldn't find any e
nails or we might not have been able to get him down from the "front t
door". t
e
Hoping you'll be back to celebrate a mass for us soon, r
Sister Mary Existentiala t
-- o
marye@jerusalem.rc
d
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
This has been another pathetic installment of Toxic Custard.
Numbers 1 to 50 are now available on anonymous ftp from: w
ftp.cs.widener.edu [192.55.239.132] in pub/tcwf i
coombs.anu.edu.au [130.56.96.2] in pub/TCWF t
or via e-mail; send mail to archive-server@cs.widener.edu saying h
help to get full details, or index tcwf for a list of TCWF.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ y
Distant cousin Rocket Roger continues his thing, available o
via e-mail from rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu u
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ r
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen t
-- i
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | You'd have to m
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | be stupid to e
-----------------------------------------+ believe you ?
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu were thick.
______________________________________________________________________________
--------------------------------------------------------------------
CARCINOGENIC TOXIC CUSTARD / /\ Number 53 - 15th July 1991
----------------------------\/\ /\----------------------------------
Written by Daniel Bowen / / tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--------------------------------------------------------------------
H
MEGABOGUE IN COURT AFTER CONCERT RAMPAGE e
r
Contraversy continues to dog heavy-metal band Megabogue. After the e
concert riot during their recent "Guns And Bogans" tour, some fans
involved in it have begun legal proceedings against them. During the w
concert, rhythm guitarist Vimmy "The Thorn" Halen went into a wild e
frenzy and attacked members of the audience who he claimed had quite
clearly been listening to the music. Vimmy took a conveniently placed a
machete and jumped into the audience, chopping three people up into r
small pieces. He was aided by security staff, one of whom commented e
later "yeah well, the band pay our wages."
The rest of the band joined in the fighting, including drummer a
Slasher Rists, who, though having lost his arms and legs in a 95 car g
pile-up during a tour of Toxic Custard #15, managed to bite several ears a
off. Including, with some difficulty, one of his own. i
Bonk Mee, the peaceful and laid-back poet, lyricist, bass player and n
shouter of the band hit people over the head with his guitar, while ,
Harry "Headbanger" Wall, the lead guitarist, got some explosives out of
his sports bag and blew up the entire concert hall. y
After an interval, the concert continued. o
u
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
a
TONY: Okay.. welcome to It's A Knockout, Helen. Are you nervous? n
d
HELEN: A little, Tony, yes.
I
TONY: Good, 'cos if I were in your shoes, I'd be bloody terrified. What .
you have to do is, dressed as a killer whale, climb this
forty-foot tower, jump from the top into the Jacuzzi at the M
bottom, climb out, operate on yourself to your wounds without the e
aid of any painkillers, die, get buried in the Celebrity Graveyard ,
over there, resurrect yourself, walk through two hundred metres of
marshland without sinking, fly to the moon and back with the aid w
of only a small potato, burst the balloons which are pumped full r
of poison gas, then, balancing a two-ton slice of birthday cake on i
your head, run the three-hundred kilometres to the finish line? t
Got that? i
n
HELEN: I think so Tony, yes. g
TONY: [To audience] You're watching "Celebrity It's A Knockout". Be with t
us after the break when we watch our special guest Helen Keller h
attempt to complete the course. i
s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
d
Coming soon r
i
Stallone / Schwarzenegger / Norris / Eastwood v
e
in l
,
-----------------------------------------------------------
Death Massacre Commando Squad Revenge Blood Killing Mission (PG) a
----------------------------------------------------------- n
d
90 minutes of death, blood, guts and violence,
with minimal dialogue and plot thrown in. y
o
Special school holiday prices available. u
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
e
From wiseacre@josiah.rc Sat Jun 13 14:06:37 1991 a
Date: Sat, June 13 91 14:06:25 +1000 d
From: Father H Wiseacre <wiseacre@josiah.rc> i
To: marye@jerusalem.rc n
Subject: Re: Peace be with you g
Dear Sister Mary, i
t
Thanks for your mail. I bring grave tidings today. I have been informed .
by the police that one of the young boys from the orphanage has been
arrested on suspicion of arson. They say that after the football game
last week against the local school, where the orphans lost by 3 points,
he went and torched the school. I of course assured them that the boy in
question, young Brian Hitler, could not have done such a thing, and in P
fact is a paragon of virtue, apart from that incident at the synagogue a
last year. t
h
I'm glad to hear that the orphans are coping with their change of diet e
due to lack of funds. Early next week I'll be dropping in with something t
for them; a little abandoned puppy-dog we found last week. I do hope i
they like it. Kind regards, c
,
Father Harry
-- i
wiseacre@josiah.rc s
"In the beginning, there was darkness." Genesis 1:1 n
'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
This has another wide, sprawling edition of Toxic Custard.
Numbers 1 to 50 are now available on anonymous ftp from: i
ftp.cs.widener.edu [192.55.239.132] in pub/tcwf t
coombs.anu.edu.au [130.56.96.2] in pub/TCWF ?
or via e-mail; send mail to archive-server@cs.widener.edu saying
help to get full details, or index tcwf for a list of TCWF. H
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a
The future of Rocket Roger remains doubtful. To ensure he v
doesn't return, send e-mail to rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a
Calendiar, almost forgotten by now, trudged into view. Who would read
his exploits back here, at the end? He would be better to return the n
week after, in a more significant spot in the file. If he could be i
bothered at all. Thus surrealist stuff wasn't really leading anywhere. c
Or was it? Did anyone know? Did anyone care? "I'll be back - that's a e
promise", he muttered.
-- w
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen e
-- e
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | "Natasha. I.. I.. I have been k
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | queueing with another woman." .
-----------------------------------------+
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu THE RUSSIAN SOAP-OPERA
Calendiar knew this was an emergency. He had to get back into the Toxic I
Custard Workshop Files. He had no choice - in an emergency, there is f
nothing else to be done. He called the File Brigade.
______________________________________________________________________________
I
#### # # Individually \ B \ Number 54 - 22nd July 1991
# # # Wrapped \ O P \ Written by Daniel Bowen d
### #### Toxic \ N A \ tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu i
# # Custards \ U C \ Special thanks to Lori Boren d
### #-------------------\ S K \--------------------------------- n
'
Once more back in a prominent position (on top of a pedestal in the t
middle of Swanston Street), Calendiar crowed gloatingly. Then he
sparrowed. Then he ducked, as someone started throwing fruit at him, in t
an attempt to dislodge him. Calendiar decided to continue in the duck h
vain, and to duck like a duck that's ducking after having been shot i
during the duck season. He moved downwards, fast. Until he reached the n
ground, where he slowed down a bit, blending not entirely successfully k
into the crowd.
a
Finally, he had a mission. He was on the hunt. He was looking. For n
ingredients. Not plain, ordinary ingredients, and not exciting y
expensive ones either. In fact, all were far from expensive. All were o
dirt cheap. *Dirt* cheap. And yet, dirt was nowhere on the list. A list n
of foodstuffs. Correction. A list of stuff, some of which could be e
loosely described as food. Some were common, some not so common.
r
For instance: e
- A horse tongue a
- A truckload of used potato peelings d
- Two truckloads of offal
- 3 feet from a turtle t
and so on. You get the general idea. The mission had been given to h
Calendiar, he incorrectly presumed, by Scottish Intelligence.. because e
his contact's surname was Mc something.. In fact Calendiar was on a s
top-secret mission collecting the ingredients for McDonald's Chicken e
McNuggets.
b
Calendiar looked suspiciously at the crowd nearby. A demonstration i
of the Surrealists for Humanity In Today's Society group were t
demonstrating loudly in the street, over a member of theirs being s
sacked from the position of media court-room sketch-artist, for ,
painting the defendant in a fraud case with a little too much zeal. If
the surrealists had their way, Calendiar thought, he'd be back in w
Tobago investigating ostriches killed by bananas. He was determined - o
there would be no more bananas in his adventures. Calendiar ignored u
surrealists, and waltzed penetratingly the other way down the l
Strelitzia. d
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I
Parents' groups have protested against the recent trend of nice movies b
coming out of Hollywood. They compiled a list of 270 nice acts in the o
latest Disney movie, "Bambi and John Go Out To Play In The Garden". t
A spokesman for concerned parents, Martin Believable, commented. h
"How on earth can we teach our kids to grow up to become psychopathic e
killers if they're constantly subjected to all this niceness? In this r
latest Disney film, there is not one machine-gun murder. No crazed
axe-killings, and not even a serial rapist." p
Mr Believable quoted a recent case where as a direct result of u
viewing the Bambi film, a child in Florida in the United States had t
shared a packet of sweets with another child. t
"This is tragedy in the making. When will the film-producers i
realise what they're doing to society?", said Mr Believable, before n
going home to kill his wife. g
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
h
From: marye@jerusalem.rc Sat Jul 20 10:54:23 1991 e
Date: Sat, 20 Jul 91 10:54:07 +1000 m
From: Sister Mary Existentiala <marye@jerusalem.rc>
To: wiseacre@josiah.rc i
Subject: Re: Peace be with you n
?
Dear Father Harry,
Thank you for the mail, grave though it was. I'm quite concerned about
little Brian's court appearance, but I am sure the Lord will take care
of it all (lest Brian release those photos of the Lord's wife and
you-know-who to the papers...One would think that the wife of a public
official would exercise more discretion!) Ah well, "judge not, that ye
might be judged".
The orphans were delighted with the puppy.
Y
It's amazing what Sister Cook can do with just a simple casserole... e
reminds me of the parable of the loaves and fishes. s
,
Father, I must go...I hear screaming in the courtyard. What have those
children got up to now, I wonder. I
God bless, w
o
Mary Existentiala u
-- l
marye@jerusalem.rc d
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has another silly edition of Toxic Custard. Numbers 1 to 50
are now available on anonymous ftp from:
ftp.cs.widener.edu [192.55.239.132] in pub/tcwf
coombs.anu.edu.au [130.56.96.2] in pub/TCWF
or via e-mail; send mail to archive-server@cs.widener.edu saying
help to get full details, or index tcwf for a list of TCWF.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen t
-- h
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | "We're all out stuffing i
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | ourselves silly at the n
-----------------------------------------+ moment. Please leave a k
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu message after the burp." .
______________________________________________________________________________
MSG-FREE TOXIC CUSTARD
Hello dear readers.
Please reach over to your screen, and turn the brightness control up.
Yes.. just a bit higher... right to the full brightness. Very good.
TOXIC CUSTARD IS LOOKING BRIGHTER THAN EVER!!
---------------------------------------------
################--################--TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES--------- Y
### ### Number 55 - Monday 29th July 1991 e
############## ############## B O N U S P A C K s
##### ##### Written by Daniel Bowen ,
##############----##############-------------------tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---
i
C'N'D - TIN AND ALUMINIUM t
'
Prince Charles and Princess Diana apparently plan to celebrate their s
tenth wedding anniversary today (Monday) with a quick 3-course snack in
the ecologically sound Buckingham Palace drive-thru restaurant. Toxic T
Custard attempted to speak to the couple recently in London and o
Gloucestershire by interrupting one of their phone conversations: x
i
TCWF: Hi guys, we just wanted to congratulate you on your anniversary! c
Charles: No, I'm not coming up to London. C
u
TCWF: Hello? I said we'd like to congratulate you! s
t
Diana: Why not? a
r
TCWF: Can you hear me? d
Charles: Because the architecture is terrible! o
n
TCWF: What's wrong with this thing? Hello? c
e
Diana: Well, I'm not going down there, it's all so bloody slow and rural.
a
TCWF: Hold on, if I press this button... g
a
Charles: How about a compromise deal? i
n
TCWF: I don't think they can hear me. .
Diana: Such as? S
o
TCWF: Hell, that bloke from British Telecom was sure this would work. m
e
Charles: Well, there's a rather nice pub in High Wycombe.
p
TCWF: What if I.. e
o
Diana: Sounds ideal. p
l
TCWF: Damn, I shouldn't have hit it on the table.. e
Charles: Okay, see you there around midday. s
h
TCWF: It's completely knackered now. o
w
Diana: Sure. Ciao.
r
[a pause] e
m
TCWF: Hello? Damn, they've hung-up. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
k
The new Mitsanyasonic FU1000C-KED Hi-Fi HQ S-VHS PIP NTSC/PAL VCR, with SP a
and LP, and featuring: b
l
- a 50 key remote control; not a poofy remote with 5 buttons and an LCD, e
this is a MAN'S remote control. All the power to blow up your video at
the press of a button. p
e
- No sissy barcode timer settings, this baby takes 5 hours just to set r
the clock! s
i
- Tape-munching button for rental tapes you think are a rip-off. s
t
- Digital effects, allowing you to slice off Bill Collins' head and chop a
up the rest of him on screen. n
c
- Audio dub, for dubbing decent music over your sister's heavy metal e
music videos.
w
- Revolutionary "tape vomit" eject system, which propels the tape across h
the livingroom into your hand. e
n
MITSANYASONIC
See me * Hear me * Fiddle with my jog/shuttle dial r
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
a
If you go down to the street today, d
You're in for a big surprise. i
If you go down to the street today, n
You'd better go in disguise. g
For everyone that ever there was,
Will run from there, today, because t
Today's the day h
There's a loony with a machiiiiiine gun. e
s
Fred Daly went to the street today, e
Armed with a bloody big gun.
Fred Daly went to the street today, s
Convinced he was Attila the hun. i
He'd seen a Rambo film once too much, d
Then gone down the street to fulfil his grudge, e
Today's the day w
He's decided to kill everybo-o-o-o-dy. a
y
Clever little Fred Daly, s
Has got his ma-chine gun,
Due to the slack gun laws. m
e
He'll be runn-ing round the woods, s
Blasting everything he sees, s
Because he thinks he should. a
g
Fred went to a big gun shop, e
And brought himself a gun, s
Because he is allowed to-o-o-o. .
Now everybody's running for their lives, Y
'Cos they see Fred with madness in his eyes, o
They're scared shitless little teddy bears. u
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - '
r
From wiseacre@josiah.rc Thu Jul 25 14:06:36 1991 e
Date: Thu, July 25 91 14:06:24 +1000
From: Father H Wiseacre <wiseacre@josiah.rc> o
To: marye@jerusalem.rc b
Subject: Re: Peace be with you v
i
Dear Sister Mary, o
u
Imagine my surprise when hearing of the news that a local shop has s
donated a new VCR and television to the orphanage. When I confirmed it l
with the proprietor, he glanced nervously at some of the orphans who were y
nearby (with their baseball bats, ready for the next game), and hastily
nodded confirmation of the donation. o
n
I am delighted to say that the orphans have been putting this equipment e
to good use; having found them watching an educational film called
"Chainsaw of Lust" whilst looking for you late yesterday. I didn't see o
any of the film myself, but they looked enthalled in it. I must dash- I f
have to see what the two policemen who have just walked in want.
t
Father Harry h
-- e
wiseacre@josiah.rc m
"In the beginning, there was darkness." Genesis 1:1 .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Tis claimed that this was another Toxic Custard Workshop File.
Back-issues are now available; e-mail for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
--
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | Toxic Custard.
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia |
-----------------------------------------+ It's not all over
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu yet. Trust me.
--
Israel has declined to join in Middle East peace-talks proposed by the
US, not, they say, because they refuse to negotiate, but because they
have been invited to a party that night, and they know it's a DREADFUL
bore, but they did promise to go.
A second date proposed for peace-talks had to be scrapped when Jordan
said they couldn't arrange a baby-sitter in time. The United States has
now countered these rejections by saying that for the talks to go ahead,
everyone must behave, like Syria. Any tantrums, and it'll be called off,
and each misbehaving party will have its bottom soundly smacked. Israel
immediately began sulking, the PLO moaned, and Lebanon said it wouldn't
go unless it got a lollypop and an icecream. Israel took one of Lebanon's
lollypops in 1967; the Israeli government have refused to hand it back.
_______________________________________________________________________________
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--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
