Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 4 Issue 57
***** ***** ***** *****
***** ***** ***** *****
************* ************* ************* *************
** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
********* ********* ********* *********
** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
***** ***** ***** *****
SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
####========================================================####
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 4, 57
####========================================================####
"Three years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
*** P P U U R R P P S
***** P P U U R R P P S
******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
********* P U U R R P S
*********** P U U R RR P S
***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
*****
*****
*****
*****
* **** *
*** *** ***
**** * *****
************************************
****************************************
************************************
**** ***** *****
*** ***** ***
* ***** *
*****
*****
*****
*****
*****
***********
*********
*******
*****
***
*
WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Editor: mal@sit.sop.fau.edu
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE: send a mail message to the HailOtis address saying
subscribe me and you will be subscribed. It's easy and painless and it's
next to impossible to goof up.
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Another issue. Late as usual. I'll blame it on recovering from the
Heethormas. Yeah that's the ticket. Let this be a lesson to you all. An
Otisian needs to be quick witted. With a little practice in mental
gymnastics even the most green Otisian can run mental circles around the
likes of the typical slow witted pamphlet hander outer, be they Christians
or selling aluminum siding salesmen.
I suppose another excuse that comes to mind is having to go push the
internet at a convention. Hopefully some of our new subscribers
accidentally stumbled upon the assortment of Otisian faq files I had placed
in a vaguely conspicuous spot. [And those of you who are now known to be on
the internet will have this foisted upon you as sacred duty entails.] Still
there is a lesson to be learned in all this! Merchandising! Otis can spread
the word though merchandising. Under the right conditions any person, even
people without a single thin dime will buy merchandise. You just have to
get them in the right mood. You have to inspire their buying urge. This is
best done by setting yourself up at the correct place and time. For example
those several dozen Otisians who live in the Buffalo area could easily set
up a small concession stand at or around Niagara Falls. Put the Otisian
symbol on anything having to do with the falls and it will sell! Honest. Go
to any tourist trap in America, or a SF convention for that matter. Take
Rock City for example. You can spell out "See Rock City" in yak dung and
someone is going to buy it. Hell, you can really draw in the crowds if you
had a "Make your own yak dung Rock City Sign" booth set up with a yak or
two. (Of course, those doing this kind of concession should write to the
IGHF so they can be well briefed on the 10,000 rebuttals to that chronic
yak tossing rumor).
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes, getting the truth of Otis to the
unwashed masses. I had the opportunity to view tourism and shopping
madness over the Heethormas season though my pilgrimage across the country
along with attending the above mentioned convention to Push Otis (which
alas I probably did a retched job of for various and sundry reasons.)
Anyway I had many opportunities to view people and let me tell you.
They'll buy anything! Honest to Spode. Just set them up right and they'll
buy it. Okay so you say to yourself, so I'm selling stuff right? What's
that going to do for Otis? So I put the four pointed arrow on a bunch of
old drift wood and sell it. How is that helping Otis!
Use your head! Don't panic! Remember your training. What's the fourth
commandment of Otis? SEND US MONEY! Yeah that's the ticket! Send Otis a
tithe as it were. You don't need to send it all, though you're less likely to
receive a visit from our copyright lawyers or brow for that matter. Second
not only put the Otisian Symbol on the item. Put the IGHF address! Put the
four commandments. Hell put something about Elvis on it! We all know that WILL
sell! Cross out IGHF and put Intergalactic Elvis Fan Club in the address!
Lord knows how many times that's helped in the past. How many deluded white
trash living in tornado attracting trailer parks have been saved when
they've accidentally send in money to the IGHF masquerading at the
Intergalactic Elvis Fan club? The only kind of trailer home that won't
attract tornadoes is one blessed by Otis.
If you are truly interested in this material you may also want to write to
the IGHF about joining the growing number of Saint Spare Part Reseller
Vendors. For a small fee you to can have a lucrative franchise in the
growing field of real, or fake relics for that matter. You can't loose with
this money making deal. Even if Otisians don't buy relics (and really they
should) you've got the Catholics! It's simple logic. How many people have
been sainted lately by them? Not many really? And everyone knows to build a
new Cathedral or Altar or even a public fountain you need to imbed some
moldy old body part of a saint in it. Well that supply of saint parts is
rapidly being depleted. Soon they'll be frantic and looking in their local
phone book will discover YOUR Otisian franchises who'll be happy to vend to
them a full scale aluminum and plastic mock up of the whale that swallowed
Jonah. Of course this isn't a relic of a saint, but they still may buy
one. What god fearing Christian wouldn't be proud to display real Biblical
Proof in the own front yard. And if they don't like the whale, you've
always got a few spare heads of John the Baptist lying around. With a few
simple parts for radio shack and some plans you purchased from the IGHF you
can turn their relic from a rotten old skull into a neon light show that
tells fortunes and draws in the parishioners by the thousands. For a few
extra dollars it can even keep the church books! Now there's a whale of a
deal.
Still let us not belittle relics because they do exist. As you know Mal
possesses two objects from the sacred Bathroom Set of Otis. It was a
remarkable find when he stumbled across the Flamingo headed Toilet Plunger
when it mysterious materialized in his beach side residence. This very relic
deflected hurricane Andrew and made it got to the south devastating the
homes of thousands of unbelievers instead of wiping out the headquarters
of Purps. Sad to say much about this relic cannot be discussed openly
seeing as it's secret powers have not been cleaned with the all the Church
elders yet, nor has Doc Simpson been able to find time in his buy schedule
to do more archival research on the device. The other relic is revealed
below.
Yes this issue has a vague theme! Relics and Dogs with Guns.
Enjoy!
####===================================================================####
Carl Sagan
####===================================================================####
Subject: Carl Sagan
From: PAUL.GELSMAN@SATALINK.COM
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 94 01:27:00 -0640
Subject: Carl Sagan
From: jgriffit@nyx.cs.du.edu (Jonathan Griffitts)
Subject: Carl Sagan
I heard an interesting story on the radio yesterday:
It seems that there is a project at Apple Computer that was code-named
"Carl Sagan." Apparently Dr. Sagan himself heard of this and contacted
Apple to object to the use of his name.
Apple complied by renaming the project to "Butt-head Astronomer."
Can anyone out there in net-land vouch for this story? In my opinion, even
if it isn't true, its funny enough to enter the folklore anyway.
I heard this on the "Marketplace Radio" show, from American Public Radio.
####===================================================================####
SOME THOUGHTS ON ELVIS AND JESUS
####===================================================================####
From: gltrw@mail.bris.ac.uk (Toni Woodward)
Subject: Elvis/Jesus Joke Date:
Tue, 4 Jan 1994 13:05:53 GMT
[ Author was Brad L. Littlejohn ]
[ Posted on Sun, 2 Jan 1994 02:41:05 GMT ]
SOME THOUGHTS ON ELVIS AND JESUS
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be Cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was a part of a trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafai, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had a famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said: "If anyman thirst let him come unto me and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said: "Drinks are on me." (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus was a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis was a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis:A Golden Tribute)
"[Jesus'] countenance was like lightning and his raiment white as snow."
(Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow white jump suits with lightning bolts. (Los Vegas, 1968)
Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern stste.
Jesus was first and foremost the son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Records, which today are considered to be his
foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis wore mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stood for.
No one is really sure if Elvis' middle name was Aron or Aaron.
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis like his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
####===================================================================####
What I learned from 1993
####===================================================================####
From: jld7@jaguar.uofs.edu
Subject: Learning from 1993
Date: 8 Jan 94 01:01:18 EST
From: richardr@lars.acc.stolaf.edu (SnowDog)
Subject: Learning From The Past...
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 1994 04:35:55 GMT
SMRY: Learning from the past...
I like to live the kind of life where regrets are not impediments, but
building blocks. Something to learn from. I thought I would share with
you a few things I've learned in 1993.
1. I won't marry Lorena Bobbitt.
2. I don't like Beavis and Butthead, but they provide a very important
lesson: Don't play with matches.
3. Kill any siblings named 'Latoya.'
4. Jurrassic Park taught me to stand very still and remain calm when
lookin down the throat of a large lizard with big teeth. Especially when
in the car.
5. David Letterman taught me that you can be popular and make 42 million
dollars while insulting yuppies.
6. When someone says they have an "average" body, it's somewhere between
avacado and plum shaped.
7. Barney is the Anti-Christ.
8. Guns don't kill people. Ammunition does.
9. Handwriting recognition software is fun at parties.
10. Even Lyle Lovett can get lucky.
11. I hope I can look as good as Lassie when I'm 350 (dog) years old.
12. There are no gays in the military. At least, they aren't supposed to
admit it.
13. I need to drink more to stave off the effects cigarettes have on my
hearing
14. People ask Marilyn the stupidest questions.
15. Henry Winkler is 3 years younger than my dad (though, I'd still date
Henry, if he asked me out.).
16. Al Gore is really kinda cool (in a 'knotty pine' sort of way). I hope
he runs for president someday. I'd date him too.
17. My parents are conservatives.
18. The Internet is a great new way to meet people, exchange ideas and
validate your existence by getting on 50 or 60 mailing lists.
19. Mayor Frank Jordan should be thrown off the GG Bridge with Angela
Alioto tied around his neck.
20. Ross Perot is a ninny. Well, actually, I already knew that but it was
refreshing to see it on Larry King.
21. Homelessness is a crime. Actually, I didn't have a clue about that
until Frank Jordan burned the constitution. Does the matrix program make
us a police state or a state of denial?
22. Matrix used to be the name of a night club. Apparently you could be
arrested if you asked someone to dance.
23. Howard Stern can write! However, the crayola was smudged in my copy of
his book.
24. Rush Limbaugh can write! I must have gone through 4 bottles of motrin
trying to get through his book.
25. Prozac is this generation's equivalent to valium.
26. Marijuana makes me sneeze. I didn't inhale, by the way. I think. It's
hard to remember...well, maybe I did.
27. I don't understand modern art. A 'Power-Shop-Vac' in a glass box with
a $300,000 price tag confused me.
28. Anne Rice is the Messiah. Actually, I think it would only be fair for
god to send 'his only begotten son' back as a woman. Especially a woman
who says "I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body."
29. Gay men are so sarcastic.
30. And, because I didn't want to end on an odd number : Don't cook over an
open fire while wearing lame`.
####===================================================================####
Dogs and Guns
####===================================================================####
From: ltwilkes@news.delphi.com (LTWILKES@DELPHI.COM)
Subject: Too many dogs
Date: 9 Jan 1994 17:41:23 -0500
WOMAN ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS HERSELF
By John C. Ensslin, Rocky Mountain News Staff Writer
A Denver woman who routinely fired gunshots into the ceiling to
stop her 10 dogs from fighting accidentally shot herself, police said
Wednesday.
Police took away the gun Tuesday night after Marilyn Anderson, 47,
shot herself while she and her husband tried to quell another fight among
the dogs.
Anderson, of 3130 W. Kentucky Ave., faces animal cruelty charges
for having so many dogs in her home.
She told officers she would fire one round into the ceiling when
the dogs - described as medium to large - got into a fight.
"You get 10 of them fighting and you've got you're hands full,"
said Detective Gene Shaw, who described the dogs as a mix of black
Labrador and German shepherd.
The noise usually stopped them, but for some reason the gunshots
didn't work Tuesday, police said.
Anderson used a .25 caliber automatic, Shaw said.
Anderson told police she forgot she had put a bullet in the gun
and shot herself as she went to clear the weapon.
The bullet grazed the small finger of her left hand. Meanwhile,
one of the dogs bit her husband, David Anderson, 35, on the arm.
The two were treated and released from Denver General Hospital.
Animal control officers took custody of the dogs.
####===================================================================####
News of the Weird
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1993 12:15:23 -1812
From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: News of the Weird, November 5, 1993
Subject: News of the Weird [300] - 5Nov93
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 05:00:08 -0500 (EST)
WEIRDNUZ.300 (News of the Weird, November 5, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* The Environmental Assessment Center in Okayama, Japan, announced in
October that it had manufactured an experimental sausage out of recycled
Tokyo sewage by adding soybean protein and steak flavoring to "sewage
solids." A company spokesman said, "[S]ewage isn't really such a dangerous
and dirty thing." However, he did not foresee commercially marketing the
sausage: "Sewage does have a slight image problem. I don't think people
will be content eating something they know has been excreted by humans."
[Boston Globe-Reuters, 10-7-93]
Inexplicable
* In October, Mohammad Jafari was shot point-blank between the eyes with a
.22-caliber pistol during a convenience store holdup in Memphis, Tenn., but
the bullet failed to penetrate his skull. Jafari was back at work the next
day, with only a nine-stitch wound. Said Jafari, "I have a hard head."
[Arlington Journal, Oct93]
* The Washington Post reported in August that there are 3,000 pet
therapists in the U. S., including 50 fully certified as animal
behaviorists, and that they charge fees ranging from $150 to $400 for
three-hour sessions. Said one pet therapist, "There's a reason for
everything [animals] do." Said a skeptical veterinarian, "The pets aren't
crazy. The humans are crazy." [Washington Post, 8-15-93]
* After he crashed his stolen car in September, Mark David Warner, 29,
hopped on a 13-ton front-end loader at a construction site and led eight
police cars in a 40-minute, 15 mph "chase" down a highway near Orlando
(Fla.) International Airport. Warner, just five days out of prison at the
time, was charged with attempted murder for ramming one occupied police
car. Said a security guard on the scene, "No one in his right mind would
do those kinds of things." [Orlando Sentinel, 9- 30-93]
* In August, delegates to the national convention of the Church of Our Lord
Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith in Charleston, W. Va., celebrated by
wearing stylish hats, as socialites do at events such as the Kentucky
Derby. Said one delegate, "We glorify God when we wear hats." Many
delegates brought hat wardrobes with them, and fourteen hat vendors set up
booths at the convention. [Morgantown Dominion Post-AP, 8-12-93]
* Although no law forces them to open on Sundays, the 285 members of the
Arkansas Automobile Dealers Association voted 285-0 in March to recommend
that the legislature require them to be closed on Sundays. [Arkansas
Democrat Gazette, Mar93]
* In March, the Department of Health and Human Services announced a
crackdown on universities that had billed HHS in the past for expenses that
were not related to any research grants they had received from the agency.
HHS revealed at the biggest offender was the University of Wisconsin at
Madison, whose chief executive officer for the previous several years was
Donna Shalala, now Secretary of HHS. [U. S. News & World Report, 4-19-93]
* In June, Stuart Bowyer, a University of California astronomer in charge
of a year-old project that has monitored 30 trillion radio signals from
outer space, said that so far, 164 of those signals are "unexplained."
However, he said it was "very unlikely" that any of them came from
extra-terrestrials. [St. Petersburg Times-AP, 6-9-93]
* Earlier this year, at least 2,000 cases of teenage girls fainting were
reported around Cairo, Egypt. Authorities checked the environment
repeatedly for such hazards as chemical warfare agents, radon gas, and
allergens in school building material, but most health authorities now
believe the girls fainted after having delusions. [Columbus
Dispatch-Deutsche Presse Agentur, 4-9-93]
* In September, Army Corps of Engineers employee Thomas Iracki, 36, leaped
to his death in downtown San Francisco, after telling several colleagues
that he had become despondent about the Clinton Administration's
"reinventing government" budget cuts to his agency. [San Francisco
Chronicle, Sept93]
* Matthew Noble Palmer, 48, pleaded no contest to 24 burglary counts in
Alamogordo, N. Mex., in July, ending a rash of break-ins of isolated
mountain homes. Several of Palmer's victims reported that guns had been
taken from their homes, thoroughly cleaned, and returned during later
break-ins. [Albuquerque Journal- AP, 7-24-93]
The Weirdo-American Community
* High school soccer coach Jesus Valencia Gomez, 45, was arrested in
Whittier, Calif., in September and charged with practicing medicine without
a license. According to sheriff's deputies, Gomez told a 24-year- old
woman she had cancerous tumors on her neck and head and would need surgery.
Allegedly, Gomez anesthetized her, shaved her head, and bandaged her in a
motel room, and the woman notified authorities only several days later,
when she discovered that she had no scar under the bandages. In Gomez's
apartment were medical and dental supplies and two types of business cards,
one identifying Gomez as a doctor and the other as a dentist. [Los Angeles
Times, 9-18-93]
Least Competent People
* A lawsuit was filed in June in Morristown, Tenn., against Dr. Crampton
Helms and the Morristown-Hamblen Hospital, for negligence. Last year,
three months after an operation on an elderly woman, a nurse treating her
identified a "foreign object" protruding from the woman's surgical scar,
which had been irritating her ever since the operation. According to the
lawsuit, the object was the tip of Helms's surgical glove, which was still
inside the patient and which hospital staff had not noticed in three
follow-up hospitalizations. [Knoxville News-Sentinel, 6-5-93]
I Don't Think So
* Terry Allen, 34, was convicted of attempted burglary in San Antonio,
Tex., in October, after having been caught red-handed by police as he was
removing burglar bars from the window of a beauty salon. He told the judge
he was guilty of simple theft but not of the more serious crime of
attempted burglary because he was not trying to break into the beauty
salon; he was merely trying to steal the burglar bars to take home to put
on his own windows to protect himself from burglars. [San Antonio
Express-News, 10-5-93]
####===================================================================####
Dog Guns down Man and other fun stuff
####===================================================================####
From: clarinews@clarinet.com (K-R Finance)
Newsgroups: clari.news.interest.quirks
Subject: OUTTAKES: Dog shoots man in northern Cyprus; wordy UK officials
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 93 5:46:39 PST
KNIGHT-RIDDER FINANCIAL NEWS--Frankfurt, Monday, Dec 6
DOG SHOOTS MAN--A dog shot and wounded his master on a hunting
expedition in northern Cyprus, the Turkish-Cypriot news agency TAK reported
today. Ahmet Gazioglu had laid down his rifle to rest while hunting for
game Sunday near the city of Famagusta. The agency said the 48-year-old
hunter was peppered with lead pellets in the hip, foot and knee when the
dog walked on the gun and sprung the trigger by accident.
PLAIN ENGLISH, PLEASE!--A definition of a hospital bed in no less than
167 words today won a UK government department booby prize for bad
communication skills. A hospital bed was called: "A device or arrangement
that may be used to permit a patient to lie down when the need to do so is
a consequence of the patient's condition rather than a need for active
intervention such as examination, diagnostic investigation, manipulative
treatment, obstetric delivery or transport..." and so on for another 121
words.
FOUR CHICKEN OUT AND FLY THE COOP--Four men who thought that they could
live like battery hens for a week asked for their freedom today after being
caged for just 18 hours. The men had responded to a challenge from
vegetarian author Rebecca Hall. She offered 10,000 stlg to anyone who could
endure 7 days and nights in a 5-foot 6-inch- high, 40 inch-square cage.
Hall said the men had squeezed into the cage, in a stable at her home in
Woolhope, near Hereford, at lunchtime Sunday and asked to be released this
morning. "This is pretty much what I expected, they said they were very
uncomfortable," Hall said. "I think I have definitely proven a point. They
experienced this tremendous discomfort and yet we subject animals to these
conditions all the time imagining that they have no feelings." She had
issued her challenge at the launch of her latest book, Fruits of Paradise,
earlier this year to expose the "concentration camp methods" used in
intensive farming. The four volunteers had no sanitation and were being fed
on water and boiled brown rice, which was put into a tray outside the cage.
BOSTON TO REPAY TICKETED MOTORISTS--In other cities, officials complain
about trying to get people to pay parking tickets. Here, the city collected
so much it has to give a couple of million dollars back. The Boston Herald
reported today that the city owes about 2.2 million dlrs to motorists who
overpaid on tickets over the past several years. The city owes more than
60,000 businesses and motorists around the country refunds ranging from 1
dlr to 61,392 dlrs, according to the newspaper's computer analysis of 3.5
million parking ticket records. Assistant Parking Clerk Bruce Graubart said
the city will pay up. "If we owe people money, we want them to contact
us," Graubart said. "We want them to get their money back." In most cases,
motorists paid late fines on tickets that had actually been paid on time,
or paid for the same ticket twice, or inadvertently paid for someone else's
ticket--perhaps tucked under the windshield wiper by the real culprit. The
city collects on about 80 pct of its parking tickets. Last year, Boston
handed out 1.8 million parking tickets.
MAKE MONEY FROM TARDY TUBE--Commuters facing delays on London
Underground will now be able to claim refunds if they are forced to wait
more than 15 minutes for a train. The time passengers must wait before
claims can be made has been dropped by 5 minutes as part of a project to
improve standards. In the last year London Underground has paid out 150,000
stlg to 66,000 commuters.
HUNT BEGINS FOR SCROOGE OF THE YEAR--Nominations open today for a
British competition to find the "Scrooge employer" of the year. The Low Pay
Unit said competition for its award would be tough following the abolition
of the Wages Councils, which set minimum rates of pay. The unit, which
campaigns on behalf of the low paid, said it had examples of a sales
representative working 60 hours a week for 80 pence an hour, homeworkers on
28p an hour, a beauty therapist paid 53p an hour, a butcher's shop
assistant on 1.37 stlg an hour for a 56-hour week and a security guard
working 84 hours a week for 1.19 stlg an hour. Chris Pond, director of the
Low Pay Unit, said the unreformed Scrooge would have approved of the Wages
Councils' abolition. "The character of Scrooge used to be pitied and
reviled. Were he alive today, he would probably be included in the New
Year's honors list for services to British industry," he said. The award
winner will be announced Dec 17.
SIT ON IT--Two Birmingham men have been praised by police after
arresting a burglar by sitting on him for 15 minutes. Bob Dixon, 67, and
Barry Butler, 60, pinned down the youth as he tried to ride off on a bike
following a break-in at a neighbor's home in Castle Bromwich, Birmingham. A
video recorder was later recovered. A 17- year-old youth has been
questioned.
HAIR-RAISING ENFORCEMENT--A man who points a hair drier at motorists to
stop them speeding has been ordered to stop by police because he could
cause an accident. Howard Tiler, 31, whom motorists on a housing estate in
Ilkeston, Derbyshire, UK, mistake for a traffic policeman with a hand-held
radar gun, said: "Someone suggested it as a joke. I tried it and found that
it works." The estate has a 30 mile per hour limit, but parents say cars
reach 50 mph using it as a short-cut. They fear children could be knocked
down on their way to school.
40 WIVES....AND STILL COUNTING--A 78-year-old Bedouin man in the United
Arab Emirates has married more than 40 times, but is still looking for
another wife. "I still want to have another wife if I find a suitable one,"
the man told the magazine al-Shuruq. Born in the oasis town of al-Ain, Ali
ibn Ghadir ibn Mohammed al-Qitabi said he could no longer remember how many
times he had married. "It could be 40 times or more. The number is too big
to remember," he said. "I married from among four UAE tribes. The other
wives include four from Egypt and the rest from India. Some stayed with me
for years, some months and others days. I had children by only three of
them," he said. The turbaned, bearded man did not keep more than four wives
at a time, because of a prohibition by Islam.
STANDING ROOM ONLY AT FUNERAL--No one looked down on John H. Doster at
his funeral. He was the only one standing. Doster, who worked at Richmond
Funeral Home in Mississippi for about 10 years as a maintenance man, had
asked that he be displayed upright when his time came. On Sunday, the
funeral home complied, propping Doster's casket up at an angle. "He was
always saying he didn't want nobody looking down on him," said Paul
Pollard, a driver for the funeral home. "He didn't want anybody looking
down and crying and moaning." Funeral home owner Jesse Richmond said it was
the first time he had been asked to perform such a service. Doster died of
a heart attack Nov 29, on the job at the funeral home. He was 66. Doster's
nephew, Gregory Lewis, said his uncle would have laughed at the response to
his unusual service. "He was always such a character," Lewis said. "And
he's in true form in death."
THAT'S WHAT NEIGHBORS ARE FOR--Police arrested a suburban Chicago man
today on charges he accepted 2,100 dlrs from a neighbor in exchange for
killing her. Prosecutors allege that 18-year-old Reginald Williams killed
Susan Potempa, who was battling breast cancer, over the Thanksgiving
weekend while her husband and son were in Detroit for a football game. Cook
County State's Attorney Jack O'Malley announced he would charge Williams
with first degree murder in the case, which had baffled police. Potempa
apparently was very depressed about her health, and arranged for the
killing when her family went to Detroit over the holiday weekend to see the
Chicago Bears play the Detroit Lions.
TAMPA POLICE ISSUE TICKETS TO THEMSELVES--Oops. Someone forgot to renew
expired license tags on more than 100 police cars, including the chief's.
Other law enforcement agencies, such as the Florida Highway Patrol and the
Hillsborough County Sheriff's office, have noticed. So far, they've issued
three tickets, one warning citation and four verbal warnings. Most of the
expired tags are on unmarked vehicles. They are usually driven by
detectives. Unlike marked patrol cars, which display yellow city tags, the
unmarked cars carry standard license tags. The tags expired at the end of
October.
IT'S NOT CRICKET--A vacant and dusty basement under a high-rise
building in the New York borough of Queens is not where you would expect to
find a cricket team training for an international tournament. The US
cricket team is trying to break into the international scene by securing a
spot in the 1996 World Cup tournament. The Americans, however, lack the
funds, equipment, experience and playing fields of acknowledged cricket
powers England, the West Indies, Australia, Pakistan, India and New
Zealand. So a basement in Queens has emerged as the unlikely, but ideal,
venue for the US team to train during winter as it prepares for a
20-country tournament in Nairobi, Kenya, next February. End (From United
Press International/Agence France-Presse/The Associated Press)
####===================================================================####
Sacred Relics
####===================================================================####
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: Happy Heethormas, part 2
"Ho, ho ho! And what do YOU want for Christmas?"-- Outside of my
favorite Xmas card ever
"Well, you can't have it!"-- INSIDE of my favorite Xmas card ever
"Let no one ever accuse me of having had good taste"-- Preacher Tim
Mal:
Continuing this great new tradition of gifts for Heethormas, on
Monday I will be putting in the mail for you your very own Mysterious and
Sacred Object. It is, as probably guessed, the second part of the Bathroom
Supply Set of the Gods (of which you own the first part- the Holy Toilet
Plunger of Lotus (is that who we decided it belonged to)?).
I am referring, of course, to THE TOILET PAPER OF ST. LUTHOR THE
INTENSE (the OTISian ST. of DIVINE INSPIRATION). With it, you now posess
two of the four sacred pieces of the Bathroom Supply Set of the Gods
(enough for now, more could be hazardous). GUARD IT WELL, and remember,
it may be displayed, utilized in rituals and baptismal ceremonies, employed
in efforts to impress skeptics and make converts, but never destroyed. Try
to flush it, and you may regret it.
"Pope" Gef I
PS A BRIEF HISTORY/DESCRIPTION OF ST. LUTHOR'S INVENTION
You may have noticed how ugly the Paper is
PPS: Those of you who are not Mal are, by this time, wondering just why you
are receiving all of these notes. The answer is simply that the lot of you
have either instrumental in keeping the faith functional in 1993, either by
inspirational acts of your own, or by inspiring me. Zecchin created a new
periodical, James new rituals to keep the faith of the Kenyonites alive.
Scott is co-authoring the first ever OTISian book. Linda inspired the
Daughters of Creiza, and provided me with their first "paid advertisement."
Mal got Purps listed on every known official register, gave it a
listserver, a beta stage FTP site and is working on a MUD (making Purps,
for the first time ever, a real "institution" on the fringe). Chad, the
unwilling Archbishop, suprised me by rising to the duties we so unfairly
forced upon him, and kept the faith of OTIS alive and well, even growing,
in his Bishoply dominion. Rodney stuck some of the best new OTISian stuff
I've seen in years in "Communique Number Zero", the kind of vicious satire
I usuallyshy (better, "cower" from), introducing yet another circle of
potential converts.
You'll all be getting a little something in thanks form yours truly, and I
thought you might be amused to learn what's being distributed to everyone.
Y'all done good. I thank you. HAIL OTIS!!!!
PPPS:
Today I mailed Rodney his very own Sacred Relic, THE SKELETAL HAND OF
ST. EUPHEMIA JOHNSON (some assembly required), the only bit of her that
didn't burn when she spontaneously combusted (or, um whatever). RODNEY,
guard it WELL> It's VERY valuable.
It only LOOKS like plastic.
PJI
####===================================================================####
Funny Money
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 26 Dec 93 15:25:47 MST
From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 93 02:26:10 EST
From: "Mitchell L. Silverman" <mitch@vesheu.sar.usf.edu>
Message-Id: <9312250726.AA08460@vesheu.sar.usf.edu>
Subject: A *true* story
>From kkoller@nyx10.cs.du.edu Fri Dec 24 13:30:08 MST 1993
The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was
happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a
$50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I
figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
worry about people getting pissed at me.
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
kind of funny and
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The
following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." [my emp]
IT: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift, and
IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emp]
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and
this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100
other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this
45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
whisper]
SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is
a fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so
I said
ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands,
and says
SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
####===================================================================####
Care and Feeding of Relics
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1993 23:03:54 -0500 (EST)
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: SECOND SEND: Let me know if THIS makes it.
Subject: HAPPY HEETHORMAS!!!!
Chad, James, Dave:
As we all (cough!) know, we are fast approaching the OTISian Holiday
of Heethormas, the winter celebration of the goddess of paisley, Heethor.
Starting a new OTISian tradition, I have just mailed to you Heethormas
gifts, holy relics really, to aide in the ceremonies of the Kenyon
OTISian contingent. They will arrive in the mail soon, probably in
Archbishop's Chad's P.O. Box (unless the Post Office makes a dire error,
which is possible, HAIL BROW!).
I am sending three such sacred objects, since the three of you, James,
Dave and Chad, have gone above and beyond the call of "duty" this year
with your herculean (look it up; I did) efforts on behalf of Our Most
Holy Faith, HAIL OTIS!!!!
I am hereby appointing each of you a Guardian of one of these objects.
Divide them amongst yourselves as you will; I don't care who guards which
as long as you discharge you duties as Guardians faithfully.
Which reminds me, your duties as Guardians are as follow:
Either 1. Guard your object faithfully
or 2. find someone else to do it for you (and make him, her, it swear
to uphold these Rules of Guardianship, Hail OTIS!!!!)
IMPORTANT-- YOU ARE FORBIDDEN FROM VIOLATING, MODIFYING,
ADDING TO or ABOLISHING ALTOGETHER EITHER OF THE ABOVE RULES.
HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!!
Pope Geof I
P.S. Follow brief descriptions/histories of the objects (in no
particular order):
I. The Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spodophoros
Unearthed by a nuclear test blast in the Sinkiang desert in China in
1964, and smuggled away from ignorant Chinese officials by a dedicated
Mongolian Physicist converted to Our Most Holy Cause, the sacred Ping
Pong Ball of Spodophoros (High Priest of OTIS, 11366 AO, 176 BCE) will light
up and make really odd noises when handled by followers favored in OTIS'
sight (if Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spodophoros does not light up at all,
please e-mail me, and I'll send a replacement Sacred Ping Pong Ball of
Spodophoros immediately).
RULES OF THE SACRED PING PONG BALL:
1. Please do NOT play Ping Pong with the Sacred Ping Pong Ball.
2. Do NOT expose Ping Pong Ball to excessive FIRE, FLAME or FIR trees.
3. The half life of a radioactive object is extremely difficult to
calculate, so we aren't quite sure just HOW radioactive the Sacred Ping
Pong Ball is, but I wouldn't stand too close if I were you.
4. Do not Taunt the Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spode.
II. The Mental Floss of Lemur the Wise (5276- 5497 AO)
The Mental Floss of Lemur the Wise is a quick easy and convenient method
of demonstrating the Miraculous power of OTIS to heretics, skeptics and
UNBELIEVERS, as well as a long established method of removing mental
"clutter" and improving cognitive ability. The Floss graphically demonstrates
to the doubters that, with the POWER OF OTIS it is possible for the TRUE
BELIEVER to actually FLOSS HIS BRAIN, running a rope in one ear and out
the other and moving it back and forth. The Mental Floss should be kept
"on hand" (but carefully out of sight) at every OTISian ceremony as a
way of dissuading hecklers. Lemur the Wise also claimed that flossing
twice daily with the floss in the privacy of her own domicile could
improve the intelligence of any human being TEN FOLD. Mind you, he also
claimed to have trained a yak to do complicated algebra problems and speak
seven languages.
THERE IS ONLY ONE RULE OF THE SACRED FLOSS: DO NOT REVEAL ITS SECRET TO THE
UNINITIATED.
III. The Shrunken Skull of Pope Max I
First displayed to the INNER CIRCLE of the Ancient Illuminated Anti-
Masonic/Rosicrucian Elder Knights of OTIS by Pope Enzio I, the Skull has
many MYSTERIOUS PROPERTIES. Specifically, it is said to PROPHECY if stared at
long enough by a dedicated initiate. It predicted the 1968 Mets for example,
and Sonny Bono's departure from the public spotlight. No one is sure
just HOW the skull was shrunk, but the revelation that Max I's bones
were made of PLASTIC and that his JAW was held in place by WIRE SPRINGS
shocked the OTISian community when the skull was eventually shown to the
masses in 1929. Mary Margaret Boneapart, Chief of the Daughters of
Creiza at the time, initially denounced the skull as a fraud, reversing her
position only after spending an entire weekend staring at the Skull,
daring it to prove its powers to her. Immediately following her
announcement that she had been enlightened by the skull, Chief Margaret I
mysteriously sold almost all of the faith's accumulated stock portfolio,
making a great fortune, which helped the faith weather the years to come.
####===================================================================####
Spam Day! Never too early to start
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 94 21:02:35 EST
From: Mitchell Porter <Mitchell.Porter@lambada.oit.unc.edu>
From: Andrew Bulhak <acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au>
Subject: Reminder.
Dear Sentient Beings: I am reposting this information about the Spam
Jake, due to take place on the 23rd of May. Be part of it. LHOS
SPAM JAKE DAY -- A Summary
--------------------------
By Reverend Brother Lee Harvey Oswald Smith, KSC WMD SPAM
Episkopos, John Friedrich Cabal, Discordian Society
1) WHAT IS A JAKE? (AND WHERE CAN I GET SOME?)
----------------------------------------------
A Jake is defined as part of Operation Mindfuck. Basically, it involves
a lot of people collaborating to send a lot of weird stuff to some
bureaucrat/official/someone somewhere, asking for some information/help/
whatever, preferably in an obscure or unusual way. The letters are timed to
arrive on the same day, and to make the bureaucrat/official/etc. think
that either he is the target of a global conspiracy of lunatics or the
general public are much more imaginative than he has previously thought.
2) WHAT IS THIS SPAM JAKE?
--------------------------
The plan: on Spam Jake Day (the twenty-third of May, 1994), a lot of
mail will arrive at the headquarters of Hormel Foods, the manufacturer
of Spam, from all over the world. This will be from various Discordian,
SubGenius and other weird religious groups; on official letterhead
(which looks rather weird), and from people with long, bizarre religious
titles. Each letter will claim that the sender's own group is the
original Church of Spam (with appropriate embellishments), and
requesting official endorsement from Hormel Foods as such.
3) HOW DO I GET INVOLVED?
-------------------------
If you wish to be involved in this global mindfuck, all you have to do
is write such a letter, in the name of your religion/conspiracy (if you
don't have one, found one), adding any embellishments you may wish to
add and send it to:
Hormel Foods
Corporate Offices
1 Hormel Drive
Austin, MN 55912
Send the letter before Spam Jake Day, if possible timing it so that it
arrives on Spam Jake Day. The rest is fnord up to you.
4) WHAT WILL THIS ACHIEVE?
--------------------------
With luck, somebody at Hormel will find their desk inundated with
curious missives from all sorts of strange groups from all over the
world asking for official sanction for some esoteric activity involving
Spam, or, in the parlance, "weird shit". Unable to dismiss this as a small,
localised prank they will be very much puzzled by this and possibly
shall attain illumination from the shock. Candidates for official
approval may receive interesting replies; furthermore, the media may pick
up on this, distorting it and adding further chaos to the equation.
In any case, the ripples of this should be felt far and wide, if enough
people get involved.
5) WHY SHOULD I GET INVOLVED?
-----------------------------
Because if you don't, ye shall verily be transformed into a
Precious Mao Button and distributed to the Poor in the Region of Thud.
Or not.
--
Reverend Brother Pope Lee Harvey Oswald Smith, KSC WMD SPAM
Episkopos, John Friedrich Cabal; High Epopt of the Secret and Terrible Rite
Chairperson dei gratia, Flat Earth Society -"In your heart, you know it's flat"
President-for-life, Don't Let Lieutenant Wilkes Breed Society Society
Think about about -><- Stop casting porosity -><- Keep the lasagna flying
####===================================================================####
Invading Aliens Don't be fooled by immitations
####===================================================================####
From: thad@cup.portal.com (Thad P Floryan)
Subject: Alien Invasion Sting
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 93 21:23:48 PST
As reported in the San Francisco Chronicle, Tuesday, December 28, 1993, p. A10:
RADIO AMATEURS TAKEN IN BY "ALIEN INVASION"
British cops set up sting to catch eavesdroppers
Reuters News Service
Doncaster, England. Police in northern England turned the tables on ham
radio operators who eavesdrop on police by issuing a spoof broadcast of
aliens landing nearby and then arresting those who turned up to see the
"spacemen."
South Yorkshire police ordered "Operation Marconi" when they suspected that
criminals were cashing in on information gleaned from the airwaves, the
Guardian reported yesterday.
The eavesdroppers "could hardly believe their ears -- aliens were invading
planet Earth ... Doncaster to be exact," said the report, citing the latest
edition of a local police magazine.
It said several people were arrested and charged with acting illegally
on information in police broadcasts.
Scanning equipment can be legally purchased for a few dollars, and it is
not illegal to eavesdrop on police broadcasts. But it is against the law
to act on any information overheard when monitoring police frequencies.
####===================================================================####
How to see the Good Stuff at Graceland
####===================================================================####
From: kust@Dahlquist.Stanford.EDU (Mark Kust)
Subject: Going to Graceland
Date: 2 Jan 1994 20:15:58 GMT
In regards to ...
>I will be going to Memphis on business the first week of January and will
! be going to Graceland. I will only have a couple of hours max and would
like some s ouggestions on what to see there. I assume there are many hours
of contemplative >viewing. Also - are there any great places to eat. We
tend toward healthy, >vegetarian food.
>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
>Richard
You must be brave Richard, but here is what you MUST do:
There is only one thing that you MUST do at Graceland, and that is to
outwit the guards (aka "tourguides") and sneak upstairs to see "THE
bathroom" which we true KING investigators know is really a portal to
another dimension; the very same portal that the evil Sivle used to kidnapp
the King back in the 70's. This kidnapping was of course the seed that
started the whole garden of "Elvis is dead" lies.
Here is a hint of how to trick the "guards."
First, when you go into the "Jungle Room" ask if the whole in the wall was
always there or if it was put there on account of tourist traffic. Then,
when he finishes that (rather short) story, ask who designed the waterfall.
That will start a BIG story. That is your break. From here head back
down the hall and into the entranceway. There ask the guard how many TVs
are in the house and how could Elvis possibly watch them all. He will start
on another BIG story - now break up the stairs. "THE bathroom" is the
second door on the right at the top of the stairs.
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1994
