Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 4 Issue 58
***** ***** ***** *****
***** ***** ***** *****
************* ************* ************* *************
** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
********* ********* ********* *********
** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
***** ***** ***** *****
SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
####========================================================####
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 4, 58
####========================================================####
"Three years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
*** P P U U R R P P S
***** P P U U R R P P S
******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
********* P U U R R P S
*********** P U U R RR P S
***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
*****
*****
*****
*****
* **** *
*** *** ***
**** * *****
************************************
****************************************
************************************
**** ***** *****
*** ***** ***
* ***** *
*****
*****
*****
*****
*****
***********
*********
*******
*****
***
*
WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Editor: mal@sit.sop.fau.edu
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE: send a mail message to the HailOtis address saying
subscribe me and you will be subscribed. It's easy and painless and it's
next to impossible to goof up.
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Welcome to another exciting issue of Purps. Late as usual (Hail Creiza!)
but alas it's there on your desk top or what ever.
I'll keep this short because it needs mailing, though I'll probably rant
and rave a bit for your edification.
First off, I'd like to thank all the folks who sent in submissions. Thank
goodness we had some this time! I'd especially like to thank those who sent
in original material they composed. This is what Purps needs much more
off. Follow the example of the submitters below and you too can find fame
and fortune in the mighty archives of Otis.
Second off, excuse the bit on Clipper, but it's important. I suppose it has
some bearing on Otis seeing as it would be like the one of those alphabet
soup government agencies to tap all encrypted Otisian traffic then at a
later date decode it for their own greasy means. Like when we wake up one
morning and discover that american has been over run by Christians. Anyway
I urge and every one of you to express your support for doing away with the
silly clipper chip. There are plenty of other solutions that are far better
and won't allow the alphabet soup crew to freely read your mail.
Also I'd like to welcome all our new subscribers and to thank them for
having some patience with us not getting them a new issue all lickity-split
as it were. It still astonished me how we constantly have people
joining up onto the ranks of Otis. I suppose some would say it has to do
with the internet growing. Really it's probably due to the might of Otis
growing. Out of ancient Sumeria has come a power. A power that will give
the innocent mortal on the net and beyond a chance at salvation.
Next time we should have some spam haiku. We're looking for submissions of
a poety spammy nature. Submit if you feel so inclined.
####===================================================================####
Miracle of Radium
####===================================================================####
From: jack@cee.hw.ac.uk (Jack Campin)
Subject: GLOWING health with the Miracle of Radium!!!
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 1994 21:55:24 GMT
Spa water containing radium (as found in several places in Central Europe)
was believed to be health-giving for a while. The heaviest doses of radium
anyone ever took were due to a tonic sold in the US around 1930; an article
in Scientific American last year gives the whole gruesome story of what
this did to its biggest fan.
I once saw an electric radium corset on a stall in a car boot sale here.
The idea was that the thing would tingle your skin with electricity and
irradiate you at the same time, they were sold as an arthritis treatment. I
am glad that my curiosity was not quite strong enough to lead me to buy it.
I have since heard that it can cost you a few hundred quid to have them
disposed of as radioactive waste; the radium is for real and in a serious
quantity, hundreds or thousands of times more than a watch dial.
Another gadget from the same era that I did buy last week was one of those
gas-discharge-tube electrotherapy machines. They'd make *great* placebos.
You plug them into the mains, fit a glass tube into the bakelite handle,
and turn up the power till it glows purple. When you bring it close to
your skin you get a trail of red sparks from the glass and a slight
tingling sensation.
####===================================================================####
The Pope has Moved
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 15:32:27 -0800 (PST)
From: Pope Jephe <ighf@netcom.com>
Subject: THE POPE HAS MOVED!!!!
THE POPE HAS MOVED!!!!
Hi-de-o, Loyal OTISians, Rubber Chicken Photographers, Editors, Nuncios,
Archbishops, Saints and the Utterly Indescribable:
I've moved.
Pope Jephe I of the IGHF, Jeff Stevens, Editor of the OD, Co-Editor of
the "Liber Otiosus", Rubber Chicken Distributer, and YOUR POPE, DAMNIT,
is now located at:
ighf@netcom.com
It's cheaper than the World and less crowded, cheaper even than the place
in Bedford many of you thought I might end up.
Please memorize this message and eat it.
Please eat this message and memorize it.
There will be a test.
####===================================================================####
Neuropsychology can be fun...
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 26 Feb 94 21:06:16 EST
From: buglady@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (Aliza R. Panitz)
Subject: Neuropsychology can be fun... (FWD)
> Date: Sat, 26 Feb 94 2:07:03 EST
> From: David <dhe@eden.rutgers.edu>
> To: elbows@mc.lcs.mit.edu
From a case report in the _Journal of Clinical and Experimental
Neuropsychology_:
"Initially cooperative with testing, Mr. S became increasingly impulsive,
jocular, and disinhibited as the session progressed. He asked the examiner
for a date, tapped rhythmic patterns for the Finger-Tapping Test, drew
smiling faces on test forms, sang, and defined the word `tirade' by
demonstration."
####===================================================================####
Christian Home Educators Association
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 94 12:46:00 CST
From: LindaHedges <LindaH@ssecmail.ssec.wisc.edu>
Subject: recent mail gem
PJI,
Found this gem in my mailbox. Couldn't possibly make this up. It's another
case of real life being stranger than fiction.
The Wisconsin Christian Home Educators Association is having their 47th
annual spring convention March 25-26, 1994 in Watertown, WI. There are
about 4 dozen mini-workshops to choose from. Topics range from teaching
math to workable science projects; from teen temper-how to handle anger to
preparing your child for college. All good home eduction basics.
Then there are the specialty subjects including Rock & Roll Voodoo, part 1
and part 2. The description of this workshop reads " Satan is using rock
music as a powerful tool. This workshop discusses the 7 major demonic
principalities that were released from rock and roll music". And of
course, "How to communicate Biblically".
Then there is my personal favorite, a special 3 part workshop just for
women.
1. Find your position - "Part 1 of a 3 part series for women. Much of the
conflict in our homeschools is due to the fact that each family member is
out of position."
2. Assume your position.
3. Maintain your position.
I don't know about you, but I have this overwhelming urge to embroider
these three phrases on a dishtowel and hang it up in my kitchen. I think
I've found my slogan for 1994.
Find your position.
Assume your position.
Maintain your position.
####===================================================================####
Otis Elevators
####===================================================================####
Otis Elevator Co.: Managing the Service Force
9-191-213 Revised 10/21/92
Cash JI Jr, O'Neil J, Ostrofsky K
Continues the story of Otisline by examining the field service force
organization, information systems, organizational systems, and control
systems. Portable terminals, hand-held radios, and other portable
technologies are discussed as methods to transform the service force. Three
cities are used as example organization forms. The objective is to present
the interaction and mutual adaptation of the MIS organization and control
systems - when any of these is changed, the others must also be changed.
SETTING: Connecticut, Dallas, Boston, LA, service, elevator, manufacturing, 1991
SUBJECTS: Communication Equipment, Communication Process, Information Systems, Service Management
LENGTH: 18p
Harvard
To order for HBS Case Materials, call (617) 495-6117 (Source Code 264A)
####===================================================================####
Flying Cows
####===================================================================####
From: kendall.bullen@his.com (Kendall Bullen)
Subject: Flying cow injures woman!
Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1993 02:56:24
Flying cow injures woman BRULE, Wis. (Dec. 28) UPI - A northern Wisconsin
woman was recovering Tuesday from injuries she suffered when she was hit by
a flying cow.
Violet Wentela, 72, was moving one of her beef cows off the road Sunday
when it was hit by a car, became airborne and hit Wentela before coming to
rest in a ditch on the other side of the road.
Wentela was taken by ambulance to a Duluth, Minn., hospital where she was
treated for bumps and bruises and held overnight for observation.
State Patrol Trooper Mike Brostowitz said the car that hit the cow
sustained about $2,000 damage. He said the cow weighed nearly 600 pounds.
Wentela is expected to recover fully from her injuries but the cow was not
so lucky.
####===================================================================####
Admission Essay
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 1994 16:37:46 EST
From: "I'm not dumb, I just have a command of thoroughly useless
information. -Calvin [and Hobbes]" <hessoun@kenyon.edu>
Subject: Nice admissions essay...
From: MX%"aephilli@acpub.duke.edu" 28-JAN-1994 11:42:43.68
_______________________________________________________________________
This is an essay by a student at NYU (Hugh Gallagher) in response to the
application question below:
3A. ESSAY
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE
APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE
THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up several inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after
school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several cover operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
####===================================================================####
the Bobbitt phenomenon
####===================================================================####
From: twcaps@tennyson.lbl.gov (Terry Chan)
Subject: Short Cuts
Date: 25 Jan 1994 19:17:03 GMT
In the January 20, 1994 issue of the Internet mailing list, _China News
Digest_, we find an interesting report of a reported version of the Bobbitt
phenomenon.
_From: DaLuo Jia
Source: Agence France Presse English Wire
Date: 01/18/94
BEIJING -- Fortune-telling is enjoying a renaissance in China, much to the
annoyance of the government and the horror of one man who was castrated by
his wife after a palmist told her it would save their marriage.
The People's Daily ran a stinging commentary Tuesday, decrying the
reappearance in Chinese cities of numerous fortune-tellers who "are
completely out of place in modern-day China."
Calling on the authorities to "strongly combat" the phenomenon, the
official communist party organ said fortune telling merely "propagates
feudal superstitions and negative feelings of fatalism."
The newspaper's warnings of the dangers of superstition would certainly
enjoy the backing of Zhang Jingui, a peasant from the northeastern Chinese
province of Heilongjiang whose wife had consulted a palmist to ask for
advice on their disintegrating marriage. According to the Heilongjiang
Legal Daily dated January 15 and seen here Tuesday, the palmist told
Zhang's wife that cutting of her husband's penis and allowing it to grow
back would restore their relationship to its previous happy state.
She promptly returned to her husband, got him drunk and cut his penis in
two with a pair of scissors, the newspaper said, adding that Zhang nearly
died from loss of blood.
The same newspaper also highlighted the case last year of another man from
Heilongjiang, Yang Jinjin, who was told by a fortune teller that his wife's
long illness was being caused by the presence of his 78-year-old mother in
their house.
Yang dutifully strangled his mother to save his wife who died a week later
from what was then diagnosed as hepatitis.
Feudal superstition is among the "six vices" targeted by the Chinese
authorities, along with prostitution, gambling, selling of women and
children, drug trafficking and abuse, and pornography.
####===================================================================####
Hydrogen Beer
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 13:20:05 -0700
From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: the flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer
From: Scott Weikart <scott@igc.apc.org>
Sender: scott@igc.apc.org
Subject: Tie up the curtains, it's Suiso Time
TOKYO (AP) -- Here in the chic pubs of the Aoyama district, the latest fad
inspired by beer makers struggling through a sluggish economy is the
flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer. The latest craze among the
environmentally conscious crowd of twentysomethings, the "Suiso" beer made
by the Asaka Beer Corporation has been extremely popular at karaoke
sing-along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen
molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly;
individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an
uncharacteristically high voice.
Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts
on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.
The drink comes in a transparent hexagonal bottle imported from the maker
of the new American drink "Zima," according to Hideki Saito, marketing
director of Asaka Beer Corp. While the bottles are imported from
Tennessee, the labels are made with a 100% biodegradable polymer. The
bottle caps are equipped with a safety valve to prevent excess build-up of
pressure in high temperatures.
The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point,
even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing
ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth
using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature
singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests took
place in pubs everywhere in Tokyo on New Year's eve.
So far, Asaka beer has insisted that the quantities of hydrogen used in the
drinks is too low to create potential for bodily harm. In the factory, the
carbon dioxide that is dissolved in the beer is partially extracted and
replaced with hydrogen gas. Mr. Saito maintained that the remaining carbon
dioxide mixed with hydrogen prevents the rate of combustion from increasing
dramatically. Carbon dioxide is a nonflammable gas that is naturally
contained in the exhaled breath of humans.
However, the company has hesitated from marketing the product in the US due
to legal complications.
Each bottle of Suiso beer sells for approximately 1,200 yen, or eleven US
dollars. The bottles are packed in special crates lined with concrete to
prevent chain explosions in the event of a fire.
####===================================================================####
News of the Weird
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 20:33:02 EST
From: "I have measured out my life in Post-It Notes..." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subject: submiyt!
From: MX%"gtd176a@prism.gatech.edu" 4-FEB-1994 15:02:14.83
Subj: News of the Weird (Once Again!!)
LACK OF COMPETENCE: In Labouchere Bay, Alaska, in November, Cairl
D. Cothren, 50, accidentally shot himself in the shoulder with the shotgun
he was holding between his knees in the cab of a truck when he leaned over
to spit tobacco juice into a can on the floor.
LEAST JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE: Jacqueline Clinton, 29, was found
guilty of manslaughter in Toledo, Ohio, in January in the shooting of her
boyfriend. According to her, the shooting occurred during an argument
over differing interpretations of the Bible.
TREASURED AGENCY: The Austin American-Statesman reported in
December that Texas Treasurer Martha Whitehead had hired a psychologist,
for $1000, to council several employees of her office who were despondent
about Whitehead's recommendation to abolish her agency.
GO FIGURE: In recently released Department of Energy records,
noted in U.S. News & World Report, the amount of plutonium now in the U.S.
stockpile was declassified and made public, but the amount of plutonium in
the stockpile 10 years ago remains classified.
REALLY HUMAN: The protection against discrimination on the basis
of sexual orientation in Cincinnati's new human rights ordinance was
repealed in November 1993. However, the ordinance has the nation's only
provision forbidding discrimination against "Appalachian Americans."
SAVED: According to a recent note in the British medical journal
The Lancet, a amn attempting suicide in England was rescued after he had
spent more than an hour inhaling automobile exhaust fumes. Doctors
attributed his survival to the relatively low carbon monoxide content of
the exhaust -- due to new catalytic converter standards in Europe.
PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE: A December Associated Press dispatch from
Australia reported that members of Parliament traditionally address one
another much more aggressively than members of Congress do in the United
States. Among the names recently overheard on the floor of the
Parliament: perfumed gigolo, brain-damage, harlot, sleazebag, scumbag,
mental patient, and dog's vomit.
CHARGING ONWARD: In December, FBI agent John Wellman was fined
$1000 for an October incident in which he was charged with disobeying
traffic signs in Keokuk County, Iowa. While trying to locate a man in an
investigation, Wellman ignored the directions of a construction crew to
drive along the shoulder of the road and instead circumvented the
barricades and continued to drive on the pavement. Minutes later, he drove
his car into 6 inches of freshly poured cement set out to resurface the
road, resulting in a $70,000 expense to the state.
PIG STUFF: The North Carolina Legislature recently voted $170,000
for Swine Odor Task Force, whose members will report back in 1995 with
recommends on ways to reduce the smell from pig farms. A task-force paper
rejected making measurements by machine, claiming "the human nose is the
primary element in most attempts to gauge odor."
####===================================================================####
Where are you
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 1994 19:15:30 -0500 (EST)
From: Marcus Eubanks <eubanks@astro.ocis.temple.edu>
Subject: wheeeeere arrrre yooooooo?
>I miss my Purps. Has Otis in his inestimable wisdom and grandeur seen fit
>to remove me from the magical distribution list?
Now why would Otis do a silly thing like that? Just because a few months
ago the distribution list didn't work right... Rumor has it that being on
the Otisian Distribution list is similar in many ways to Christian Baptism.
Once you have it you can't wash it off. If you sin you'll end up in one of
the nastier burgs of Hell in stead of fooling about with the Virtuous
Pagans.
>Is the world coming to an end?
Yes. Otisian Dogma tells us so. It's called Ragnarock sometimes. Other
times it is known as "the time they pull the plug on the great Reality
Projector" It is also known by other names as well but many of these are
secret and only can be mentioned in print as T. B. F. for example.
Keep in mind though that Otisian Dogma further goes on to explain that the
Chosen of Otis. (That's you getting this no doubt) will be saved and live
on after the end of the world in a paradise of sorts filled with the
Paisley Wonders of Heethor. Ghastly clashing oddly colored Robes of Otis
will be available to all and maybe they'll even be a few seminars on what
Otis is really about.
>Have I in some fashion offended any of the gods?
It's very hard to offend the gods Fashion wise except by Wearing Plaid.
Still this only offends Heethor and not some of the other gods. Still
the Paisley Goddess is not one to trifle with.
>What vile reprehensible crime have I committed to be punished thus?
When was the last time you obeyed the important 4th commandment?
>Can I possibly atone?
See previous answer. Avoid plaid. Wear Paisley. Avoid thoughts of the Brown
Bucket Heresy. Never send in your $20. Wear Chucks the sacred foot gear of
the Gods. Submit to Purps lord knows we need stuff.
>Have I been insufficiently silly of late?
If you still have your job and all your friends and a relative or two who
call you their own, no doubt you've been insufficient in that area.
> Is it because of my chronically poor spelling?
Definitely not. This is a tribute to the God(dess) Creiza. If you excel at
this enough there's a possibility for a scholarship from the Daughters of
Creiza.
>Do the spiffy new paisley boxer-shorts that my mom got me for christmas
>reveal that I am a base character deep at heart?
Of course not. See above. Your mother is just claiming to have bought you
those boxer shorts. She refuses to admit the fact that they mysteriously
appeared on Heethormas eve. (If you received a gift from the Divine Paisley
Goddess surely you must have been doing something right.)
>Pleeeze o pleeeze do not continue to torture me. I, a poor decrepit
>medical student (there's nothing in the world lower than a medical student)
>humbly beg your indulgence.
Take up Faith healing. Otis could use more of those. Medical school is a
dead end where your mind is chained along certain illogical paths of
thought.
>Send me a new Purps.
Ain't this one?
> Bring Joy back into my life.
The knowledge that you are one of the herd of Otis should be joy enough for
anyone. Your heart should swell knowing divine forces watch over you each
and every day.
> (Or hell, bring Bessy-Sue or Maria or any of the others back into my
>life. I'm not picky.)
Write the IGHF. They can fix you up with the appropriate incantations to
take care of this.
> Brighten my dull and mundane day.
Your days are never dull when you bask in the illuminating light of Otis.
>Give me cause for rejoicing.
Rejoice the dough has risen... Oops that's something else... What I meant to
say is you've found Otis. Rejoice in that. Rejoice in the fact you're in
medical school and get to muck about in bowels guts and spleens to your
heart's content. Rejoice to the fact that former presidents do not live in
your neighborhood.
>Make me a gladder individual.
You are receiving personal guidance here me bucko what more could make you
gladder?
> Help me to self-actualize.
Send to IGHF for the course catalog. I'm sure they can fix you up with the
appropriate course or seminar. "Do you want to be self-actualized? Sure we
all do..."
> Enhance my ability to know that, "I'm okay!" Render me more pro-active.
>Grant me the boon of "happy feet." (Guilty feet have got no rhythm, you
>know...) Grant me the courage to believe in an after-birth.
All these and more can be answered though initiation into the higher
mysteries of Otis. Forge ahead toward higher illumination. Contact the
Pope and schedule an appointment. No need to bring an apron they can
supply all you want.
>I need a Purps.
And I need to finish ending Purps.
>Marcus Eubanks n3etr |
><eubanks@astro.ocis.temple.edu> | "poor impulse control..."
####===================================================================####
Gopher Sacking
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 1994 16:40:04 -0600
From: David Iverson <diverson>
Subject: Love Boat Congressman
From: holli005@maroon.tc.umn.edu (Anne B Hollister-2)
Subject: Gopher
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 1994 18:18:51 GMT
Preface: As some of you may know, Gopher of Love Boat fame (a.k.a. Fred
Grandy) is a member of the U.S. House of Representatives, and he represents
a district in northwest Iowa.
Well, a FOAF was working as a page at the Capitol. She says another page
was working the elevators one day when Gopher got on. Instead of asking
what floor Gopher wanted, the page said, "Fiesta Deck??"
Gopher was extremely pissed and had the page fired.
####===================================================================####
Elvis the AntiChrist? Yeah Right
####===================================================================####
[Once again the forces of the AntiChrist out out gunning for Elvis. The
world will be sorry when he rises up one day from 10,000 leagues beneath
the sea and does battle with the forces of the AntiChrist]
From: churchyh@sneezy.cc.utexas.edu (Henry Churchyard)
Subject: Re: ELVIS IS THE ANTICHRIST! BEWARE OF THE RETURN OF ELVIS!
Date: 28 Jan 1994 17:21:01 -0600
In article <095302Z27011994@anon.penet.fi>, <an54588@anon.penet.fi> wrote:
There has been speculation recently that Elvis Presley is going to come out
of hiding and present himself to the world. Some people claim that Elvis is the
Messiah, the Second Coming, and that he brings with him the Word of the Lord.
When he arrives, people are going to bow down and worship him, and to accept
his word as their holy scripture. They are going to claim that the
Thousand Year Reign of Christ has begun.
That is false, a dangerous, deadly mistake. Elvis Presley is NOT the Messiah.
Elvis is the Antichrist. When Elvis comes, the SEVEN YEARS of TRIBULATION
will begin. All those who turn away from the TRUE PATH of Christianity
and follow the false Messiah will be DAMNED.
DO NOT ACCEPT THE FALSE MESSIAH "ELVIS PRESLEY" INTO YOUR HEARTS!
REPENT AND FOLLOW THE TRUE PATH, THE PATH OF JESUS!
####===================================================================####
Britain's latest Craze!
####===================================================================####
Sender: "P.Harris" <P.Harris@soton.ac.uk>
Subject: Kinky Sex, Britain's latest craze !
A snippet from the latest Fortean Times.
By the way, they now have an Email address,
ie. bobR@forteana.win-uk.net
Certain people have very odd ways of assuaging their passion, the man who
loved pavements:
(picture of Karl Watkins here)
Karl Watkins, 20, is seen here during his trial at Hereford Crown Court in
February 1993 on five counts of outraging public decency. Watkins claimed
it was a case of mistaken identity, but he was identified many times as the
man found face down on sidewalks with his pants around his ankles. One boy
told of seeing Watkins' bare bum "moving up and down" while a mother said
she was shocked to see a crowd of children around him. Watkins, of Redditch
in Worcestershire, who even attempted to mount an underpass, was jailed for
18 months. Sun, 19 Feb; D.Mirror 20 April 1993.
AUTO-EROTICISM
A shy 20-year-old student called 'George' was erotically obsessed with his
Austin Metro. He lived at home with his strictly religious parents, had no
sexual experience of women at all, but began to develop feelings for his
car. He fantasised about other Metros he'd seen, but his own was special
and photos of it adorned his bedroom. Its front reminded him of a smiling
child, and its rear end aroused him. He would seek out quiet places where
the two of them could be alone. Described as "confused but happy", George
would crouch down by its smoking exhaust pipe and masturbate. Independent,
7 Dec 1992.
Eventually, George was sent for treatment at London's Institute of
Psychiatry, and was the subject of a paper in the journal Sexual and
Marital Therapy (Dec 1992). Before his car fetish, George was 'preoccupied'
by women, children and dogs urinating. He was treated by a technique known
as 'orgasmic reconditioning' - he'd masturbate looking at pictures of cars
and then switch at the last moment to pictures of women. He was also taught
to picture himself masturbating in his Metro and then imagine his father
catching him in the act. Drs Amanda Permet and Padmal de Silva say that
George now thinks more about women, but "he has retained a strong interest
in Metros which we have not yet been able to modify." They stressed that
George was an unusual case, though this did not reassure Helen Fielding.
Writing in the Sunday Times (13 Dec 1992), she points to a large body of
knowledge about the sexual relationship between man and car, and quotes
Auden: "Love requires an object / anything will do / When I was a child, I
loved a pumping engine / thought it every bit as beautiful as you." Beyond
that, Fielding blames modern advertising that extolled cars and computers
as love objects.
THE THRILL OF THE CHASE
Shoplifter Julie Amiri told Chichester Crown Court that she could only
achieve orgasm by being chased through the streets by police cars or store
detectives and being locked in a cell. "It turns me on. I love the
uniforms, the chase and the flashing blue lights." A psychiatrist
specialising in shoplifting confirmed that Amiri suffered from a disorder
which compelled her to steal to gain attention. Amiri, a 35-year-old
divorcee, said she had her first orgasm in the back of a police car when
she was 28, and found it hard not to think of the association. Sussex Eve.
Argus, 9 June 1993.
LOVE HURTS
An unnamed American would habitually shoot himself while sexually aroused.
He wore a bulletproof vest, but sometimes it was not enough to prevent
fairly serious wounding. After medical treatment on several such occasions,
the man was ordered into therapy. Dr Mark Schwartz, writing in that
renowned medical magazine Vanity Fair (Nov 1992), said: "He kept using less
protection to get his kicks because he was building up a tolerance."
I'M BROWN, PIE ME!
The prize for Oddest Urge should be split between two men in Brenda Love's
Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices (1992). 'Pieface Brown' got his
girlfriend to pie him at the point of ejaculation. She could only take so
much after which Pieface gatecrashed social functions, inviting women to
tarte him up while he videoed it...
However, Pieface is outshone by the soldier who swallowed Barbie dolls'
heads at the critical moment. Love claims to have seen an X-ray of six
heads in his intestine, and said: "He re-uses the dolls' domes after a good
boiling."
MAKING HISTORY
There may be historical significance in all this. Just before fire
demolished part of Windsor Castle, a caretaker there was arrested for
performing an undisclosed sex act with a jar of Bovril in the very chapel
in which the conflagration started. Sun, 5 Sept 1992.
####===================================================================####
The Mighty Lungfish
####===================================================================####
>Date: 17 Feb 94 16:02:07 GMT-1100
>From: "Av." <A0764720@mfs01.cc.monash.edu.au>
>Subject: Lungfish
>Doesn't it warm the cockles of your heart to know that there's an
>entire ecological niche filled in by a big brown ugly fish that sits
>in the bottom of a puddle and eats detritis? Makes you think that
>the world was designed by someone with a very very warped sense of
>humour.
That would probably be Spode then. He's known for his sense of humor. Those
who've been the butt of his jokes one too many times often prepend the word
humor with "warped".
The lungfish itself is a very Otis oriented creature. Let's examine it
closely and see what we can find.
First off Muddy the Mud Skipper from the Ren and Stimpy show is a LungFish.
We all know though past issues of Purps and from our basic initiations into
Otis what exactly are the ties to the Otisians and those creators of Ren
and Stimpy. They've managed to single handedly bring to the forefront of
American culture the plight of the yak. They've elevated Yak Shaving day
from an obscure Holiday to one of the major events of the year. Yaks play
important and crutial roles in almost every episode. Remarkably enough to
our critics not a single scene involves yaks contains the dread Yak
tossing. That unspeakable practice no one dares talk about nor contemplate.
Personally banned by the great god Otis herself who appeared to the Pope in
the from of a great whirl wind of recycled newspaper and decreed "Yak
tossing is right out!"
Now Muddy in the show elevated itself from a simple woodland creature into
a major t.v. personality idolized by millions if not billions of people
around the planet. This shows the world, and especially us Otisians how
even the most simple, ugly and innocent thing can though illumination and
timely payments be elevated to that of an almost minor deity (of course
actually claiming such powers could get poor Muddy struck down by a Purple
Thunderbolt...)
If we examine the episode where Stimpy is taken by the arm and lead to
stardom by Muddy we can see yet more important symbolism. Here Muddy, the
simple LungFish who by his own boot straps elevated himself to near
divineness (read Illumination), takes time out of his life and helps
elevate poor Stimpy to the same lofty height.
Take careful note of the use of Kitty Litter in this episode. It stands for
the sands of the Gobi desert which hides the great ancients secrets of
Otis. At one point Stimpy in fact attempts to bathe in this Gobi sand. In
other episodes it is eaten and used for various other purposes, all having
to do the eventual end of intaking the Gobi sands into ones body, as one
assimilates the ancient Knowledge of Otis.
In many ways Muddy the Lungfish can be viewed in a similar light to Doc
Savage, though Muddy's actions and episodes tend to be far less lucid when
it comes to Otisian wisdom.
Second we can look at the symbol of the LungFish itself. A fish with lungs?
What a strange concept. A fish lives in water yet attempts to move onto
land with its lungs, much in the same way as an ordinary mortal in her
ordinary existence move through their life making and endless serious of
quantum choices. Life is like water. In fact water in some senses is the
symbol of life, though in other cases it can mean different things. Take
the Jonah and the Whale for example.
So here we have a person leading an ordinary life in a thick heavy liquid
(water). The thickness causes slowness and sluggishness it coats the brain
and obscures thought much as ordinary life does. So the LungFish seeking
to better itself, attempts to breath air. The wisdom of Otis perhaps. A
lighter fluid. In fact the LungFish attempts to move to a different reality
totally. To a higher plain of being. Again much like an ordinary mortal who
learns the true word of Otis attempts to do.
This same water-to-air concept can be found in the teachings of the Solar
Word where one moves from a planet material existence to a lighter thinner
existence among the stars where ones body becomes the pure energy of
thought.
Another characteristic of the LungFish worth mentioning is it's ability to
wrap itself in a coat of mud and lie dormant for a year or a 100 years
until the time is right when it can emerge and live again. Here we see the
classic death/rebirth cycle everyone is familiar with. Also we see the
basic survival instinct which has allowed the Otisians to continue on as
long as they have. During hard times the follows of Otis, much like the
LungFish, adapt themselves for a long wait until times become better.
Truly one can see that the LungFish is a animal worthy of contemplation
for meditation. No doubt with a little thought on the part of the initiate
other secrets can be teased out of this be-lunged fish.
####===================================================================####
CLIPPER CHIP
####===================================================================####
Washington, DC
February 15, 1994
Computer Professionals for Social Responsibility (CPSR)
OVER 10,000 SIGN PETITION TO OPPOSE CLIPPER
In only two weeks, over 10,000 users of the nation's computer networks have
signed the CPSR petition calling for President Clinton to withdraw the
Clipper proposal.
Opposition has been widespread, from CEOs of large firms to college
students in small towns, from librarians and civil libertarians to computer
programmers and product marketers.
To sign the petition, email <clipper.petition@cpsr.org> with the message "I
Oppose Clipper"
Encourage friends to sign.
In 1990, over 30,000 people sent email message to Lotus asking that a
product containing detailed personal information called "Marketplace" be
withdrawn. Eventually Lotus withdrew the product.
CPSR is a non-profit, membership organization based in Palo Alto, CA.
CPSR's mission is to provide analysis of the effects of new technological
developments on society. For more information, please email cpsr@cpsr.org
or call 415-322-3778.
####===================================================================####
Another Artifact Found
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 94 09:11:40 -0500
From: A.J. Janschewitz <p00445@psilink.com>
Subject: ANOTHER ARTIFACT FOUND!!!
Hail OTIS, I believe I've stumbled upon another Sacred Object! It was
discovered among the ruins of a radio station that had been shelled by bad
ratings (Hail BROW).
To describe it would be a disservice. It will be on its way up to the IGHF
upon my digging out of this snow.
==a.j.==
p.s... the chicken sends her regards; she's having a great time. She's been
invited to ride along (on the blade) with a town plow in Wallingford, CT,
by the town Director of Public Works. Photos will follow.
####===================================================================####
A New Saint
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 1994 20:25:11 -0800 (PST)
From: Jeff Stevens <ighf@netcom.com>
Subject: D'accord. I give.
Fawn F. Fritter, or whatever your name is, for finding the Pope cheap
access to the flume o' lectronic comminucations known as the Internet, this
Pope declares you to be the living St. of Frugality.
PJI
####===================================================================####
A Letter
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 22:38:54 -0500 (EST)
From: Marcus Eubanks <eubanks@astro.ocis.temple.edu>
Subject: Joy supreme! O rapture!
Hail Otis!
To our beloved Pope and other esteemed worthies, from your humble and
hebephrenic servant, on this, the regularly irregular festival of the
migration of the baby-beerlings, greetings.
It is with great joy that I hear news from our brothers in other lands of
our Pope's transmigration. Already, new light suffuses the previously dull
domain of netcom.com. I join our rapidly multiplying throng of brothers,
sisters and siblings of undecided or confused gender in glad song
celebrating of this welcome event.
Praise be to our Pope, and may strange objects of dubious utility be
bestowed upon his house! O stellar day for netcom that he judged their
realm and found it not wanting. May they who do there dwell be granted the
grace to acknowlge the grace bestowed upon them, and not transgress.
And, if it be his will, may he intercede with the strange quaternity on my
behalf, that I may be granted passing grade on Thursday's psych exam,
though the faculty thereof, renowned for setting ludicrously difficult
tests that would render even a board-certified shrink wet about the crotch
of her, his or its britches, try to thwart my righteousness in the ways of
Otis.
Yours in Otis,
####===================================================================####
Satan
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 6 Feb 1994 15:12:06 -1812
From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: Satan?
Date: Fri, 4 Feb 94 14:20:27 +0000
From: "dhan (Dan Shoop)" <shoop@horton.farsef.com>
Subject: Satan?
From Bits and Bytes:
=> SUBJECT: SATAN CLAUS! Parents in Grand Saline, Texas, removed a
picture of Santa Claus from a school because the letters in "Santa"
can be rearranged to spell "Satan". This caused Esquire to note
that the letters in "Grand Saline, Texas" can be re-ordered to
spell "Grand Anal Sex Site". (SOURCE: Unplastic News)
####===================================================================####
Nirvana: the Partridge Family of 1994?
####===================================================================####
Sender: dm745@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Rodney E. Griffith)
Subject: Nirvana: the Partridge Family of 1994?
This piece was written utilizing a Lettermanesque/Dennis Miller style.
It's not really finished and I'm unsure if it will be - too many weak
links, not enough uncircumstantial evidence. It's an excerise more than
anything but I hope you find it at least moderately amusing.
Rodney
Comparisons between The Partridge Family and Nirvana:
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
Had a string of catchy, yet commercially-contrived hit records
NIRVANA:
Wait. That was the Nirvana description.
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
Danny Bonaduce arrested for altercation with transvestite prostitute
NIRVANA:
Kurdt Cobain married to Courtney Love
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
Wore tacky plaid clothing and bellbottoms
NIRVANA:
Wear flannel shirts and bellbottoms
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
Recordings largely the work of studio musicians
NIRVANA:
Recordings largely the work of CIA conspiracy
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
Presented squeaky clean "just say no" image
NIRVANA:
Kurdt Cobain developed NyQuil and Heroin highball as flu cure
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
David Cassidy posed nude for _Rolling Stone_
NIRVANA:
Firebombed Canadian adult bookstore
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
Laurie Partidge prone to make sarcastic remarks at Keith's expense
NIRVANA:
Prone to stage catfights with Axl Rose
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
Used dated 1970s pop-art graphics on record sleeves
NIRVANA:
Use dated 1970s pop-art graphics on record sleeves
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
Epitomy of bad hairstyling
NIRVANA:
Part of "grunge" scene
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY:
Based on the Cowsills
NIRVANA:
Based on a million forgotten late 1970s bands
===========================================================================
A Rain of Fish
===========================================================================
[Here again we see the symbolism of the Fish.]
Date: Fri, 4 Mar 94 15:16:33 EST
From: buglady@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (Aliza R. Panitz)
DARWIN, Australia (AP) -- Small fish have been found flapping
about in parking lots and on roads after rainfalls in the desert
Outback, puzzling tourists and residents.
But a zoologist said Tuesday there was a scientific explanation
for reports it was ``raining fish'' at the town of Dunmarra.
``The heavy rain triggers off eggs, that are in a dormant stage,
to hatch and the fish just seem to appear,'' said Beryl Morris, a
zoologist with the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research
Organization, the federal science agency.
Adele Liebelt, the owner of Dunmarra Wayside Inn, about 370
miles south of Darwin, said Tuesday that hundreds of small fish had
appeared near her premises.
``The first time it happened last week, they were everywhere.
They're only little fish, so the birds take them away,'' said
Liebelt, who owns the inn with her husband.
Hundreds of the fish, between 3/4 inch and 2 inches long, were
found in the inn's parking lot, leaving tourists travelling the
north-south Stuart Highway ``quite amazed,'' she said.
``We've got no idea where they came from,'' Liebelt said.
She said the area had experienced heavy rains in February.
Morris said many varieties of fish had adapted themselves to
survive in harsh desert conditions and their eggs could lie dormant
for more than a year.
``The eggs can be carried quite long distances by the wind, so
when people tell you about raining fish, it's not the fact that the
eggs are hatching in the air or the clouds.
===========================================================================
Transcontinental Translations
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 3 Mar 1994 20:29:54 HKT
From: LBSPODIC%USTHK.bitnet@mitvma.mit.edu
Subject: FWD: Transcontinental Translations
Date: 19 Dec 1993 02:28:48 +0800
From: dekai@cs.ust.hk (Dr. Dekai Wu)
Subject: Transcontinental Translations
Notes from Ellen Rabkin
Transcontinental Translations
East Coast West Coast
---------- ----------
absolutely not maybe
yes maybe
action item by Feb 12 for joe Joe's working on the problem
bozo subcontractor
pencil-neck strategic partner
brawl design review
dictator facilitator
do it and do it now can you sign up for this action item?
do it right or you're fired I'm confident you'll get it done
f*ck off trust me
follow the spec is there a spec?
get out of my office let's get consensus on this one
he's a jerk he's not signed on to our plan
he's a subordinate he's a team player
I'll cover your ass consider me your resource
ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline
oh sh*t thanks for bringing that to my attention
overdesigned robust
punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the f*ck up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
that's totally incompetent let me build on that point
unemployed consulting/contractor
over budget on schedule
under budget we haven't started yet
we finished early (no translation available)
we're done how do you feel about that?
what's your problem? I certainly understand your feelings
where's the spec? what's a spec?
where's the schedule? what's the game plan?
your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1994
