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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 4 Issue 54
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 4, 54
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"Three years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Yes believe your eyes! Purps is on time. Don't ask how it happened. Just
accept the fact that it did and enjoy. This issue should have a few amusing
things. I suppose this might the be the Christians run amuck issue since
there seem to be several submissions about that. Also News of the Weird
Returns. Time to sacrifice a hecatomb to Otis for that. It's important
after all.
Anyway, a couple of notes before we get started. First off issues 1 though
50 of purps are not in a single compressed file on quartz. There may be
other sources to get single back issues. If you can't find any, remember
that HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu always has them by the fistful.
Second, the listserver appears to be working. Last time around Purps was
mailed out over the course of about 10 minutes instead of an entire week.
Also an emergency messages for recruits for the Preach-O-Rama was
broadcast with it. I suppose we can assume it works. None of the old
addresses have been destroyed however, so feel free to use those. (In fact
this time around we ended up getting a subscriber on the ancient
acc.fau.edu address which was a supposed to have been off the book two or
three years ago. Amazing ain't it?)
On with the show I want to mail this...
####===================================================================####
The Return of News of the Weird!
####===================================================================####
[As usual, Otis has once again blessed us with none other than infamous News
of the Weird Woman. No doubt many of our new subscribers have never heard
of this shadowy and mysterious figure. Her contributions over the years
helped shape Purps into what it is today. Sadly she cannot be on line that
much so it's a rare gift when she is able to submit something to us. No
doubt Arch Bis Chad has set up the appropriate shrines for her and
hopefully has fulfilled his duties in insuring that her memory has not
died. In fact at the time of her rare visits he no doubt leads the loyal
masses of Kenyon on a celebrator march around the gates of hell where they
hurl old phone books and off color novelty gifts into the gate gaping
maw. I was give a couple pages of this stuff, and I'm going to dole it out
slowly.]
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1993 09:54:40 EST
From: KENYON::KLEINSR
From the Chicago Reader, 3/13/92:
Police lieutenant Patrick Gildea of Huntington Beach, CA, reported in
November that officers conducting an undercover drug-purchase sting
continued to make arrests of eager would-be customers even after the sting
was over and large orange "police" signs were placed in the area. Said
Gildea, "We actually had people coming up and getting in line [to buy
cocaine] when we had people [under arrest and handcuffed lying] on the
ground."
In September, after a stormy child custody hearing between mother, father,
and surrogate mother in Santa Ana, CA, 51-year-old Cynthia Moschetta walked
over to her estranged husband, who was meeting with photographers and
reporters, ripped off his toupee, and fled.
####===================================================================####
Christians vs. the Satanic Programmers
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 93 16:29:01 MDT
From: iverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: Weenix Unie rousted by Stalwart Christians
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 93 12:25:28 -0400
From: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
[fwds removed]
Linda Branagan is an expert on daemons. She has a T-shirt that sports
the daemon in tennis shoes that appears on the cover of the 4.3BSD manuals
and _The Design and Implementation of the 4.3BSD UNIX Operating System_ by
S. Leffler, M. McKusick, M. Karels, J. Quarterman, Addison-Wesley
Publishing Company, Reading, MA 1989.
She tells the following story about wearing the 4.3BSD daemon T-shirt:
Last week I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering
hole" in Texas to pick up a take-out order. I spoke briefly to the
waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few
minutes.
So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the walls,
I was approached by two ``natives.'' These guys might just be the original
Texas rednecks.
``Pardon us, ma'am. Mind if we ask you a question?''
Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I nodded.
``Are you a Satanist?''
Well, at least they didn't ask me if I liked to party.
``Uh, no, I can't say that I am.''
``Gee, ma'am. Are you sure about that?'' they asked.
I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader smile and
said, ``No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to Satanism is
watching Geraldo.''
``Hmmm. Interesting. See, we was just wondering why it is you have the
lord of darkness on your chest there.''
I was this close to slapping one of them and causing a scene -- then I
stopped and noticed the shirt I happened to be wearing that day. Sure
enough, it had a picture of a small, devilish-looking creature that has for
some time now been associated with a certain operating system. In this
particular representation, the creature was wearing sneakers.
They continued: ``See, ma'am, we don't exactly appreciate it when people
show off pictures of the devil. Especially when he's lookin' so
friendly.''
These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious.
Me: ``Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil, it's just, well, it's
sort of a mascot.
Native: ``And what kind of football team has the devil as a mascot?''
Me: ``Oh, it's not a team. It's an operating -- uh, a kind of
computer.''
I figured that an ATM machine was about as much technology as these guys
could handle, and I knew that if I so much as uttered the word ``UNIX'' I
would only make things worse.
Native: ``Where does this satanical computer come from?''
Me: ``California. And there's nothing satanical about it really.''
Somewhere along the line here, the waitress noticed my predicament --
but these guys probably outweighed her by 600 pounds, so all she did was
look at me sympathetically and run off into the kitchen.
Native: ``Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd appreciate it if you'd
leave the premises now.''
Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order, and
they agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my food before
I left. While I was at the cash register, they amused themselves by
talking to each other.
Native #1: ``Do you think the police know about these devil computers?''
Native #2: ``If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know
about 'em.''
They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time: ``You're really
blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people use this `kind of
computers.' Universities, researchers, businesses. They're actually very
useful.''
Big, big, BIG mistake. I should have guessed at what came next.
Native: ``Does the government use these devil computers?''
Me: ``Yes.''
Another BIG boo-boo.
Native: ``And does the government pay for 'em? With our tax dollars?''
I decided that it was time to jump ship.
Me: ``No. Nope. Not at all. Your tax dollars never entered the
picture at all. I promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good Christian
congressmen would never let something like that happen. Nope. Never.
Bye.''
####===================================================================####
WAKEY ! WAKEY !
####===================================================================####
From: "P.Harris" <P.Harris@southampton.ac.uk>
Subject: This is what Religion can do !
WAKEY ! WAKEY !
Police battle devotees to bury a dead guru
Thakur Balak Brahmachari, 73, reputed to have 50 to 70 million followers in
India's West Bengal state, was pronounced dead from heart failure on 5 May.
His disciples and aides, convinced that he was in samadhi and would return
to them, put his body on ice slabs in an air-conditioned room of his ashram
by the Ganges in Sukhchar, about 24 miles north of Calcutta.
Thousands of pilgrims, haggard farmers, widows in white saris chanting
mantras and poor families kept vigil in the scorching summer heat outside
the ashram, waiting for a miracle. Their numbers were swelled by
curiosity-seekers and sceptics from the Indian Rationalists Association.
Kiosks selling food, drink, portraits of Brahmachari, cassettes of his
speeches and products from the ashram's ayurvedic laboratories were open
day and night for the roaring trade. Every day at 1:30 pm, Chitta Sikdar,
general secretary of Santan Dal, the guru's 29-year-old Hindu sect,
together with a few acolytes, bathed their master's body and laid out a
clean set of clothes for him. Resurrection was confidently expected on 25
May, but the day came and went. Aides collected water from the melting ice
slabs under Brahmachari and distributed it as prasad (holy food) to
devotees. The practice ended at the beginning of June, when a newspaper
condemned it as a health risk. The body according to one visitor was
looking "like a fish in a deep freeze". The skin had turned black and was
beginning to flake.
Sikdar said that in 1960, Brahmachari spent 21 days in samadhi, with no
detectable heartbeat or pulse and without food or water. The feat,
celebrated in the media, established the guru's reputation and he began to
attract a huge following. Sikdar said he was prepared to keep the body
uncremated for as long as six months.
Brahmachari was known as the `Marxist Godman' because he preached `vedic
communism' or spiritual equality, which found resonance in West Bengal,
ruled by the communist-led Left-Front government for the past 15 years. The
law requires bodies to be disposed of within 24 hours - but the state
government refrained from storming the ashram, wary of alienating the
substantial Santal Dal voting block.
Hygiene finally prevailed over politics and religion on 30 June with
`Operation Holy Rite'. More than 1,200 Calcutta police armed with clubs
stormed the ashram after overcoming 4,000 devotees armed with tridents and
throwing acid-filled light bulbs and fistfuls of chilli powder. Sixty
police were injured and 950 disciples arrested. The fly-blown swami was
seized after 56 days on ice, and rushed off to an electric crematorium.
The Independent, 13 May, 1 June, 1 July; [Reuters] 12 June; India Today, 15
June 1993
####===================================================================####
Our Great Planet Earth
####===================================================================####
From: "P.Harris" <P.Harris@southampton.ac.uk>
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 93 10:30:43 BST
Subject: Snippets from Fortean Times
What a great planet this is....
A busload of Russian shoppers refused to break off their trip to Poland
when one of them died of a heart-attack. They tried to get the man buried
on the spot, but the Polish authorities wouldn't allow it; so they
continued bargain- hunting for days, leaving the corpse on a back seat.
[Reuters] 11 Jan 1993.
A man using a donkey to carry hashish was arrested near the northern
Moroccan town of Al-Hoceima. While police waited for a car to take the man
to prison, the donkey ate the evidence and the man was released. The donkey
was found in a coma.
Western Morning News, 5 April 1993.
A Canadian survey has shown that 50% of anglers who fall out of boats have
their flies undone, as they were relieving themselves at the time. In
America the coastguards have a term, FOA, for dead bodies they recover -
Flies Open on Arrival.
Midweek, 11 Mar 1993
Two Mormons knocked on a door in St. Albans, Herts. and asked if the woman
who answered "knew about God". Hearing that it was the house of Lord
Runcie, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, the baffled Americans asked:
"What church would that be ?"
Sun, 28 April 1993
Bertha, believed to be the world's oldest cow, celebrated her 48th birthday
on 22 May with two bottles of whiskey from farmer Patrick O'Connell, of
Tipperary in Eire.
Daily Record, 22 May 1993
A naked man running across New York's Brooklyn Bridge singing "Oh what a
beautiful morning!" was run over by a car and killed.
Daily Mirror, 18 May 1993
####===================================================================####
Odd Book Titles
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1993 20:44:51 HKT
From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk
Subject: Odd book titles-Occasionally rude,
but a humorous compilation from a discussion list
Regarding weird books: I too, like to collect strange books with attractive
covers or just bizarre concepts. A couple of my personal favorites:
1. Life stories of dying penitents. A 19th cent collection of
essays from various people who, on their deathbeds, tell you
why you shouldn't do whatever *they* did.
2. Odd people. Another rather racist 19th cent. book detailing
the manners and customs of primitive savage cultures around
the world. Chapters include: The dirt-eaters of the Fee-Jee
Islands and the Mud-bedaubers.
3. The history and romance of elastic webbing. A moving account
of the lives and exploits of the men (and they were manly men)
who made the elastic webbing industry what it is today. The
last sentence is "Lest we forget, lest we forget!" I kid you not.
-----
BOY SLAVES (illustrated!) (1869)
An adventure story even more intriguing because of its chapter titles:
14. A Liquid Breakfast
33. A Cunning Sheik
34. A Queer Encounter
39. An Obstinate Dromedary (I hate when that happens)
66. Sailor Bill's Experiment
68. The Arabs at Home
74. More Torture
Sorry, I couldn't resist. One of these days I'll post something serious.
-----
> Our network's timely and useful collections include the following:
>
> Sabbath, Dan
> END PRODUCT : THE FIRST TABOO
> New York : Urizen, c1977.
>
> it is cataloged under the subject heading "Defecation--Social aspects."
>
> I am embarrassed to say that in a moment of weakness I actually
> *read* this book and found it alternately hilarious and fascinating.
Don't forget this little gem published by 10 Speed Press in Berkeley
(where else)?
Author: Meyer, Kathleen, 1942-
Title: How to shit in the woods : an environmentally sound approach to
a lost art / Kathleen Meyer. Berkeley, Calif. : Ten Speed
Press, 1989.
Description: 77 p. : ill. ; 22 cm.
Subjects: Mountaineering -- Health aspects -- Handbooks, manuals, etc.
Defecation -- Handbooks, manuals, etc.
Call numbers: UCB PubHealth RC1220.M6 M48 1989 In Locked Case - Request At
Circulation Desk
UCSD Undergrad RC1220.M6 M48 1989
Notice how the Berkeley library keeps in under lock and key?
-----
How about:
PISSING IN THE SNOW, AND OTHER OZARK FOLKTALES
edited by Vance Randolph
1976: University of Illinois Press
LCSH: Erotic stories, American--Ozark Mountains.
Tales--Ozark Mountains.
It was brought to my attention by a colleague from Arkansas, that we
have had in on our shelf for a number of years!
-----
Here at MIT we have a book called:
Liklik Buk: A Rural Development Handbook...It details
methods of development in Southeast Asia, presumably highlighting the
importance of orality in economics.
There is a book called Answering the Call of Nature.
How about: The Yogi and the Bear: Indo-Soviet Relations.
I had a chance to select the following 2 volume set (but passed on it):
Bird Carving Basics, v.1. Eyes and v.2. Feet
-----
I couldn't resist offering my favorite "weird book title" for the
amusement of the group. It's _The romance of proctology : which
is the story of the history and development of this much neglected
branch of surgery from its earliest times to the present day,
including brief biographic sketches of those who were its
pioneers_. The author of this gem of medical history was Charles
Elton Blanchard, M.D., and the book was originally published in
1938 by Medical Success Press and reprinted by AMS Press in 1978.
I'd also like to take this occasion to quote from the first
sentence in the book's foreword: "No one knows who was the first
doctor to examine the rectal orifice of the human frame."
-----
####===================================================================####
And Weird Subject Headings
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1993 20:49:17 HKT
From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk
Subject: Weird Subject Headings - culled from a listserv discussion
Here's one with an even weirder subject heading:
How To Kill by John Minnery
Subject heading: Homicide--Handbooks, manuals, etc.
-----
I hope everyone is also familiar with these well-known and
supposedly real LC Subject headings (maybe they're just urban
library folklore):
Last Supper--Recipies. and
Frogs--Ballet.
I think the heat's affecting my brain.
-----
Here at L.C. we have a professional association which publishes from
time to time in it's newsletter (which I used to edit), a list of
"weird," unusual, unbelievable, etc. subject headings. So -- when
this listserv got going on weird subject headings, I thought it might
be fun to look into the back issues and pull out some of the best,
straight from the horses mouth (so to speak). And now, from high on
the 5th floor of the Madison Building, on the dizzying heights of
Capitol Hill, home of the Subject Cataloging Policy Office
LC presents
W E I R D S U B J E C T H E A D I N G S
(Remember, these are (or were) all FOR REAL )
Urinary diversion
Drug abuse--Programmed instruction
Diving for men
Great tit
Hung men
Running races in rabbinical literatureSoaking pits
Tulip mania, 17th century
Feet in the Bible
Lord's Supper--Admission age
Low German wit and humor
Nothingness in literature
Cadaver in art
Hand--Surgery--Juvenile literature
Baboons--Congresses
Sewage--Collected works
Inefficiency, Intellectual (with an x-ref. from Stupity)
Then there was the great Flatulence debate ... but I can't go on.
Perhaps, I'll send more later.
Guess I'd better include the ole disclaimer: Content of this message
is my own -- not an official Library of Congress communication ( )
-----
####===================================================================####
Pentecostal Joy Rides
####===================================================================####
[Of course the below mentioned rite is old hat to the seasoned Otisian. In
fact you can order detailed instructions and a map of idea roads to perform
the rite on directly from the International House of Fruit Cakes.]
Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1993 17:46:48 HKT
From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk
Subject: I'm not sure I believe it, but it's a great story. :)
[This story did happen to be on National Public Radio as well]
Subject: Those wacky fundies
Date: 21 Aug 1993 00:22:09 GMT
Organization: Cayuga Whine Trail
Lines: 64
[]
Pinched without permission from the Ithaca Journal, Aug. 20
1993.
CAR CHASE, CRASH REVEAL 20 NAKED PENTECOSTALS
Vinton, LA (AP) -- The devil made them do it. That's what some of the 20
naked Pentecostals packed cheek-to cheek in a car told police after the
vehicle was chased into a tree.
Officers watched in disbelief as the group piled out of the 1990 Pontiac
Grand Am after the wreck and began religious chants.
The passengers, relatives from Floydada, Texas, said they were en route to
a religious retreat somewhere in Florida, Police Chief Dennis Drouillard
said.
He said some passengers said they were stripped because their clothes were
possessed by the devil.
"Didn't have a stitch of clothes on. I mean, no socks, no underwear, no
nothin'," he said. "They didn't say much. They mainly got out and chanted
religious sayings."
The police stopped the car Thursday after getting a report that the car
contained naked people. The driver got out wearing only a towel, but then
jumped back in, sped off, and crashed into a tree, police said.
The car was totaled, but the injuries were all minor, Drouillard said.
"I guess when you're packed in that tight, there's not much room to move
around," he said. A police officer gave the passengers clothes at the
scene.
Drouillard said the group ranged in age from 1 to 65 and included three
pregnant women and give children, who were stuffed into the trunk.
Driver Sammy Rodriguez and his brother, Danny, said they were Pentecostal
preachers, Drouillard said.
Floydada Police Chief James Hale said he had been looking for the Rodriguez
family since Tuesday, when relatives reported them missing. "They made
statements likeB the devil was after them and Floydada was going to be
destroyed if they stayed here," Hale said. Floydada is a small Texas
Panhandle town about 550 miles from Vinton.
The family left Floydada in five or six cars, abandoning them and
belongings along the way.
Sammy Rodriguez, 29, was held pending an investigation into reckless
endangerment of the children. He was booked on suspicion of reckless
driving, flight from an officer, and other offenses.
The 19 others were released and spent the night in a shelter.
####===================================================================####
Drive In Movie Fun
####===================================================================####
From: pjoslin@mbvlab.wpafb.af.mil (Paul Joslin (Sverdrup))
Subject: Jamming the audio at the drive-in movie
Date: 7 Sep 1993 13:34:38 GMT
From a posting on sci.electronics, ca. 1987, by the late and sorely-missed
net.guru, Larry Lippmann:
"...My roommate and I jammed the audio at a drive-in movie and inserted our
own "commentary"... We scrounged a 100-watt PA amplifier of 1950's vintage,
and modified it to use an external DC power supply, a WW-II surplus
dynamotor. Since the dynamotor required 24 volts DC, we temporarily
installed two 12-volt batteries in the trunk of my car. The dynamotor also
went in the trunk, with a remote control switch. The amplifier sat on the
rear seat, covered with a blanket.
Some "preliminary investigation" at the target drive-in indicated that a
70-volt line transformer was mounted in the base of each speaker pedestal,
and one transformer fed two speakers. We decided to back-feed into the
system at 70 volts.
...Along with two carloads of "supporters," we parked in the last row.
Under cover of darkness, I removed the cover plate at the base of our
speaker pedestal, and attached two 22-AWG magnet wires to the 70-volt feed.
There was enough clearance on the cover plate to allow the magnet wires to
pass when the plate was put back. Also, the magnet wires allowed for a
rapid - and hopefully inconspicuous - breakaway.
...The movie was a low-budget horror film about witches in England... ripe
for a "commentary." With all connections made, I turned on the dynamotor.
After the tubes warmed up, I cautiously advanced the master gain control.
Voila! Feedback, even though our own speaker was turned off. It worked so
well that we had to close all windows in the car.
We engaged in a running "commentary" (use your imagination here). The
people at the drive-in went wild, blowing their car horns in delight. The
management went nuts! After about five minutes, two people ran out of the
projection booth with flashlights and started checking cars. Needless to
say, it was time to pull the plug. The fellow who came over to my car
looked at us with great suspicion, since we and the two adjacent "support"
cars were all laughing hysterically. However, no one said anything to us -
I think the drive-in management was still in a state of shock that someone
could do such a thing..."
####===================================================================####
Another God
####===================================================================####
[Ah ha! At last a divine entity we can blame for the lateness of Purps!]
Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 21:58:58 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: EEEK! (fwd)
Just what we need, another new god.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1993 13:35:23 -0400
From: "Daniel H. Chadwick" <aj478@yfn.ysu.edu>
To: jstevens@world.std.com
Subject:
Discovered new deity while netting around the compyuter a couple days
ago... O-LAG, the god/dess of procrastination, delays, and bureaucracy.
Tell PURPS.
B.B.H.O.
####===================================================================####
Cult of Elvis
####===================================================================####
From: foster@mtechca.maintech.com (Jeff)
Subject: Elvis Loves Me, This I Know, for the Colonel Tells Me So
Date: 11 Sep 1993 06:38:36 GMT
From the _Los Angeles Times Orange County Edition_,
10 August 1993, Calendar (entertainment) section,
page F4, reprinted without permission:
\\\\\\\\\\ begin reprinted article \\\\\\\\\\\
Elvis the King Might Be a God in the Making, Author Says
from Reuter
Memphis, Tennessee - Chances are even those who think of Elvis Presley as a
god don't rank the late entertainer on a par with the Supreme Being.
But the day may come when followers go down on their knees to worship
"Elvis the King," a messenger who was sent by God, was betrayed by trusted
friends and lives eternally in the hearts of all men and women.
At least that's the argument put forward in a new book by a former
religious affairs correspondent for the BBC, who sees in the Elvis cult the
seeds of devotion that could - over time - grow into a full-fledged
religion.
"The worship, adoration and the perpetuation of the memory of Elvis today
closely resembles a religious cult," says Ted Harrison, author of the book
_Elvis People - The Cult of the King_ (HarperCollins, US$10), which has
just been published in the United States.
"Indeed, what is now the Elvis cult could be nothing less than a religion
in embryo."
Officials at Graceland, Presley's celebrated mansion, expect ten thousand
to fifteen thousand Elvis fans to converge on Memphis to mark the
anniversary of his 1977 death on Monday. In the past they have held a
candlelight vigil, visited Presley's grave and scrawled messages to the
dead singer - often couched in religious terms - on the walls of the
estate.
"Elvis fans say, echoing the words of many Christians, it is possible not
only to love Elvis, but to be loved by Elvis and have a personal
relationship with him," the book notes.
####===================================================================####
Papal Ponderings #9
####===================================================================####
Pope Jephe I, IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave. #209, Cambridge, MA 02139-9183
This week: A review of the greatest OTISian Band of all time: Van Gogh
Complex, Reprinted, Pretty Much Without Permission, Form the Pages of the
Boston Phoenix
V.G.C.'s Greatest Hits Vol. 8
Van Gogh Complex
I have been hearing some discontented mumbleings that this column only
reviews "obscure" bands. Since the vast majority of the originators of this
loose talk couldn't recognize a truely obscure band if one ate them, allow
me to ease their confusion.
The Radio-active Wombats and a Guy Named Sid are an obscure group. So,too,
Leo and the Lovettes and the Squished Fish. Bazooka Joe and His Seven
Friends with Acute Halitosis is not only obscure, but difficult to listen
to if you sit too close. We have not reviewed an obscure group yet.
However, today is different. Today we're going to intro(duce tou to one of
the most obscure groups we've ever tripped over - Van Gogh Complex.
V.G.C. is obscure for a reason. They don't advertise, nor do they have any
regularly scheduled coneert appear ances. They are a neo-classical/Punk
rock group who simply show up at local parties, announce that they are "the
band" and start playing. (This often has an unsettling effect on their
audiences, particularly when they arrive at their favorite haunts - coat
and tie wine tasting parties and small weddings- in this fashion).
Obviously, this is not a run of the mill band. They have, to date, seen fit
only to cut one album, V.G.C.'s Greatest Hits Vol. 8. This is the only
album you can expect to see from them until July when V.G.C.'s Christmas
Melodies will debut.
The album is as weird as the band. The song titles say it all: The Address
of God, My Dog Has Fleas, Jane Fonda Sings "My Way" While Gargeling Ajax in
a Hot Bath, and Dogs, Whips, and Chains. Please don't ask me to describe
this last one in detail. Suffice it to say that a middle aged woman is
heard at the end yelling: "Who are you people!?! Get out of my kitchen, and
take those filthy animals with you!!" Which is nothing actually, compared
to the rest of the tracks. Another song seems to have been recorded in a
bus terminal, and all through Address...one hears, faintly in the
background, periodic bursts of running water, and at one point a man saying
"Excuse me, but I really must get in there".
Which is not to say the music is bad- just generally... well... tasteless.
But V.G.C. can do things with a guitar that other people can only do with
spaghetti and a fork, and the horn solos are fantastic. In spite of the
background noise, Address... is one of the best jam sessions I've heard in
a long time. But the crucial question remains- do you really want to spend
eight bucks on an album from a bunch of guys who get their inspiration
(according to the album jacket) from "Inhaling large quantities of helium,
and watching traffic pass". I wouldn't. But then, I don't listen to
"obscure" bands.
####===================================================================####
Church Kidnappings
####===================================================================####
From: ltwilkes@news.delphi.com (LTWILKES@DELPHI.COM)
Subject: Church kidnappings
Date: 18 Sep 1993 01:59:33 -0400
FORT COLLINS
Church prank angers police
Fort Collins police are not amused by a prank that was supposed to be a fun
way to get youngsters to attend a church youth group meeting. Authorities
stopped 50 cars in their search Sunday for a red van after two children --
ages 5 and 6 -- reported that two men with bandannas over their faces
dragged a screaming girl, 12, into thier vehicle and drove away. The Rev.
Gary Mcluskey said the kidnappings were organized to get youngsters to the
first youth group meeting of the fall at Shepard of the Hills Lutheran
Church.
####===================================================================####
Satanic Sightings
####===================================================================####
From: nicolett@carson.u.washington.edu (Nicolette Roberge)
Subject: Satanic Sightings
Date: 21 Sep 93 15:33:31 GMT
In the local county newspaper:
(police beat)
A woman notified the sheriff's office of satanic grafitti on her mailbox.
She also reported a "yellowish-brrwn" substance smeared over the front and
handle of the box and was afraid to open it to get to her mail. In
addition, several other boxes on the same road had similar satanic symbols
in them.
Sheriff's deputies and a mail inspector arrived at the scene and determined
the satanic grafitti was the remains of a bologna sandwich(es) and that thh
yellowish-brown substance was mustard.
####===================================================================####
Going to Hell
####===================================================================####
[This article was also in a Tampa Newspaper as well.]
Date: Wed, 22 Sep 93 02:49:17 MDT
From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu
Subject: nearly half of Alabama in peril
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 93 10:04:03 -0400
From: Eric Haines <erich@eye.com>
Subject: Going to hell: Baptists keep count
Going to hell: Baptists keep count (from the Ithaca Journal, 9/18/93, p. 1):
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (AP) - God only knows who gets to heaven, but the Southern
Baptists estimate 46.1 percent of people in Alabama risk going to hell.
Since the figure from church research on potentially doomed souls was made
public, it is Baptists who are feeling the fire, however.
The Southern Baptist Convention's county-by-county breakdown of who's bound
for heaven and who isn't - unless they are born again and accept Jesus
Christ as their savior - hit The Birmingham News on Sept. 5. It's been the
buzz in some Alabama pews ever since.
Under the headline: "Baptists count the lost," the front page story
included a detailed map and box listing the 1.86 million "unsaved" by
county in precise percentages.
The Baptists said the numbers were only a guide on where to establish new
churches and find more followers.
But some of the faithful, Baptists as well as others, are incensed.
"It is the pinnacle of presumptuousness to construct a formula for
quantifying the unsaved," Jack Denver of Homewood, a self-described
"practicing Christian" wrote in a letter that was among about a dozen the
newspaper published from irate readers.
The Southern Baptists have done such demographic research for years, said
Martin King, a spokesman for the denomination's Atlanta-based Home Mission
Board, which compiled the study and has national figures he would not
disclose.
####===================================================================####
Micah Speaks
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 1993 15:25:58 EST
From: "Andrew Q. Winter (In the morning, hear the Way; in the evening, die
content! -Confucius)" <wintera@kenyon.edu>
Subject: Micah speaks on words...
So today in Music theory, Micah Rubenstein started talking of word origins.
It became a good tangent, since most of the class were tired of reviewing
figured bass. (grr...)
Preposterousness:
pre = before, post = after, ness = the state of being.
Preposterousness = the state of being before and after.
Trivia:
tri = three, via = road or way.
In anceint Greece, it was not uncommon for three roads to converge in a town.
At this intersection, there was a fountain, where women (they weren't PC in
anceint greece!) would do the wash. At these fountains, or trivias, the women
would gossip about town news and such. HA!
Sabotage:
Sabo means shoe in French (or so Micah says). Sometime in French history, a
shoe factory decided to go on strike. So all the workers took all the shoes,
and threw them into the machines. The machines broke. In other words, the
machines were "sabotaged."
"You'll have the devil to pay":
As it turns out, the devil is the central beam in a boat. It is where the two
halves join. Since this junction can often leak water, people tar them. The
common term for this is "to paye." In other words, the phrase, "you'll have
hell to pay," really means "you'll have a wooden junction to paint with tar."
####===================================================================####
Balls of String
####===================================================================####
Subject: My Ball of String
Date: 26 Sep 1993 03:56:25 GMT
From: dogpest@mead.u.washington.edu (The Crafts Lady)
My ball of string has recently passed the 15-foot radius mark and is
growing steadily. Of course, once your ball of string gets as large as mine
has, increasing the diameter by even an inch requires vast amounts of
string. I pride myself on the integrity of materials that my ball is
composed of (a recent core sample taken from Kibo's ball of string, on the
other hand, revealed that the center is PURE SAWDUST!). I use only the
highest quality twine and wind it tightly. Many people see no harm in using
yarn, and, yes, it _is_ thicker, but what you gain in quick increases of
diameter, you lose in strength. More and more, we hear that young people
today lack the patience that is required to make a truly GREAT ball of
string. They "want it all, and they want it now".
The other day, I passed a group of young children working on their balls
of string. I asked one how old he was. He held up eleven fingers. he was
only eleven, and yet his ball of string was NEARLY FIVE FEET IN DIAMETER!
When I was his age, my ball was only THREE feet in diameter. I looked
closely at his ball of string. Sure, enough, it was composed chiefly of
thick yarn. Great for size, but quick to unravel. I asked him if he thought
his ball of string would see him through his old age. He shrugged his
shoulders. "I just want a big ball." he said. How will he feel when he is
sixty, and his ball of string has fallen apart due to shoddy workmanship?
The lesson here is simple: We all want big balls, but big balls take
time.
####===================================================================####
Gnus from Canada
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 26 Sep 1993 14:14:15 -1812
From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: gnus from canada
Date: Sat, 25 Sep 93 14:52:51 PDT
From: strick -- henry strickland <strick@osc.versant.com>
[ from the qotd list --strick ]
The following was published Wednesday Sept. 15 in the Globe and Mail:
Another gnuisance on the fringe
Brian (Godzilla) Salmi has started a political party to cash in on voter
disgust with politics - the Gnu Democratic Rhino Reform party. There are
only two things worth knowing about the party: the "G" in "Gnu" is
pronounced, and it's out to replace the Rhinoceros Party as the voice of
political spoofery in Canada. The Gnus will field 14 candidates in the
Vancouver area in the coming election. In the one after that, Mr. Salmi
hopes to have organized "from Gnufoundland to the Gnukon."
The Gnus formed last month after splitting from the Rhinos over a dispute
involving a stripper and a professional dominatrix, he says.
Mr. Salmi will be easy to spot at all-candidate forums. He dresses in a
green Godzilla suit. He intended the outfit as an anti-nuclear warning,
but his costume is so tattered and stupid-looking that most people mistake
it for Kermit the Frog.
"I don't get no respect."
####===================================================================####
Our Buddy Barney
####===================================================================####
From: SMTHSEN@HERMES.BC.EDU (Sean Smith)
Subject: Barney backlash update
Date: 23 Sep 1993 14:51:06 GMT
Well, this week's Time magazine contains a definitive account of the recent
attack on Barney, an indicator of the growing "Barney backlash" taking
place in the US. The attack took place at a reopening of a K-mart in
Galveston, TX (not at a mall in San Antonio, as one rumor had it). The guy
in the Barney suit was "assaulted and punched" by four boys, aged 10-14
(some rumors had the kids as elementary school age or in their late teens),
and according to a police officer, "the 13-year-old tried to take off his
head." Apparently, the article said, kids were frantically calling the
Galveston police station to find out if Barney was hurt. The assailants
were fined $200 each and have until the age of 17 to pay up.
Meanwhile, we should keep our ears open for parodies of "The Barney Theme
Song (I Love You)." In my last posting, I quoted one my daughter had picked
up from a classmate in first grade:
I hate you
You hate me
Let's all go and kill Barney
With a shotgun blast we'll put him on the floor
No more purple dinosaur
Hey, if it keeps up, maybe Barney will start turning to booze and
tranquilizers. Wouldn't that make a great show:
"I tell ya, Baby Bop, this is a rotten business. They chew you up and spit
you out. I give and I give and I give, and what do I get? Kids trying to
pull my head off. Well, who needs 'em. As far as I'm concerned, they can
watch test patterns all day."
####===================================================================####
Irc Clients
####===================================================================####
[Here's a couple of Public IRC clients you can get at for the
Preach-o-Ramas.]
Subject: Re: public irc clients
Date: 27 Sep 1993 04:37:03 GMT
From: yanoff@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Scott A Yanoff)
-IRC telnet server telnet irc.demon.co.uk or 158.152.1.74
telnet sci.dixie.edu 6668 or telnet 144.38.16.2 6668
offers: Internet Relay Chat via telnet. (Login: irc) Also see CHAT above
####===================================================================####
Preach-o-Rama
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1993 22:25:16 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: Re: Preach-O-Rama is going on now! Where are you!
On Mon, 27 Sep 1993 mal@sit.sop.fau.edu wrote:
>
> ----------------------- Message requiring your approval ----------------------
> Sender: Marcus Eubanks <eubanks@astro.ocis.temple.edu>
> Subject: Re: Preach-O-Rama is going on now! Where are you!
>
> Oh, that I had a machine at home from which to partake of the noble and
> illustrious preach-o-rama. If my brave and just leader were to supply his
> humble servant with a functioning computer, said servant would gladly
> attend preach-o-ramas any time he was sober enough to type.
>
> I abase myself before your wisdome & generosity.
>
>
O.K., o.k., enough of your absement; frankly it's embarassing. All these
people thowing themselves on the floor, cowering in dark corners when I
pass, groveling in my presence... OTIS, but it's enough to make me wish I'd
listened to mother and become a dental assistant.
Ah, now that would be the life, poking my fist into strange people's
mouths, asking vital questions on medical insurance of people too novicaned
to speak propperly, handing out the "free" lolipops to good little boys and
girls.
But we don't always get to choose, do we... OTIS says "Be my Pope or
they'll be scraping your gooey remains off yonder ground with a spatula",
and I say "Hey, HAIL OTIS! Just call me "Pope"".
Well, Marcus, if we here at the House had a Chutzpah Award for Really Great
Excuses, you'd be strongly favored to win right now, but let me make this
clear to you and everyone who fails to show up for thse Preach o Ramas:
You're hurting no one but yourselves.
While you all were sitting at home watching Z grade movies on Turner
Television last Sunday, those who made it to the last Preach o Rama WERE
HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES! Why we had:
Live snake handling!
Levitations!
Faith Healing!
OTISian Sing a Longs!
A Genuine Old Style Family Bar-B-Que!
Absolutely NO Yak Tossings!
OTISian Rant-a-Thons!
Nude Jello Wrestling!
Spontaneous Conversions and Blessings!
Strange OTISian Rituals!
and all sorts of other good clean, wholesome, family type activities. Why
we even discovered the SECRET LOCATION OF A LOST OTISIAN RELIC (a magic
plunger; ask Mal; he has it), heard interesting testimony of the power of
OTIS from some guy in Poland, discovered that being Papaal pays less even
than being a freelance writer, and saw DEMONSTRABLE proof of the Evil
Zackinthians' attempts to medlle with the 'lectronic fringes as a way of
stoping us from communicating with each other! And we all bore witness as
the Pope was kidnapped by aliens!
Let me tell ya folks it was a humdinger of a day...
You want us to give YOU a terminal for home?
No, no, no. Rather you should go out and STEAL one this VERY INSTANT just
so you can keep up with the fantastic things afoot.
Still, we have had several complaints about the timing of these buggers,
and I would like it known that I am open to suggestions vis a vis the
scheduling of the next one. After all, we have followers in Poland and
Australia, Hong Kong and and Illinois, and I am sympathetic to the plight
of those forced to "log on" at 3:00am.
So, maybe next time I'll stay up late.
ANYTHING FOR THE FAITH!
HAIL OTIS!!!
PJI
####===================================================================####
Medical Facts
####===================================================================####
From: baker@iastate.edu (A Hideously Agressive BFG)
Subject: True Medical Facts
From: _Merck Manual_, Harvey Poindexter, ed.
Chapter 126.12.4 'On the Proper Maintanence of Your Human Being'
"The human tongue is the fastest growing organ in the body and as such,
care must be taken to prevent excessive growth. Normally, friction from
eating, chewing, biting of the tongue, omononapiea and displays of
affection will keep the tongue length in stasis. However, in patients
receiving intravenous or gastric feeding, these modes are not available and
excessive tongue growth may occur. It is not uncommon to find growths of up
to 11 meters in unattended patients. When such feeding methods are
indicated, the tongue should be filed or sanded on a bi-weekly basis."
####===================================================================####
The Gerbil Myth
####===================================================================####
From: Michael Loomis <ml3e+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: The Gerbil Myth
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1993 15:19:05 -0400
From Bloomberg News Service - 11th Aug 1993
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the
Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Bustone and his homosexual partner Kiki Rodriguez, had been admitted for
emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I
pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in,"
he explained. "As usual Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had
enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I
peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract
him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next. "The match ignited a pocket of intetsinal gas and a flame shot up the
tube, igniting Mr Bustone's moustache and severely burning his face. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers, which, in turn, ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball."
Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of
the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree burns to his
anus and lower intestinal tract."
####===================================================================####
Pig Scratching
####===================================================================####
From: tasgal@leo.math.tau.ac.il (Tasgal Richard)
Subject: A long way from Salem?
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1993 11:42:04 GMT
This week's Economist carried an item which is not widely enough known
to be an urban legend, but would be a good one if it were. The
following is the first paragraph of the review of _Crime and Punishment
in American History_, by Lawrence Friedman, Basic Books:
In the mid-17th century there was a stir in New Haven, Connecticut.
A sow had given birth to a "monstrous" piglet. In the eyes of the
colonists, this was no accident. Specifically, it had to be a sign
of a revolting crime: carnal intercourse with a pig. The finger of
suspicion pointed to Thomas Hogg (sic). He was ordered by
magistrates to scratch the mother pig. When she reacted with a
"show of lust," the unfortunate Hogg's guilt was confirmed.
####===================================================================####
The Flamingo Headed Plunger
####===================================================================####
[Below is part of what transpired on the last Preach-O-Rama. I hope you're
ashamed with yourself for missing it!]
Otodotos -- Well, I've got a bowl of noodles in my other hand.
Pope -- Put those noodles down. You don't know where those
noodles have been.
mal -- I could hold a toilet plunger if you'd like me to
in one hand. Got one .. well two actually handy.
One has the head of a flamingo on it.
Otodotos -- Mostly Taiwan I should think.
Pope -- TP: go for it. It can be the scepter of the high
priest of Heethor.
mal -- the noodle designs were no doubt stolen from taiwan
and cloned in macaw
Otodotos -- YOU've got the Ancient Flamingo Headed Plunger?!
That went missing from our dig weeks ago!
mal -- Or a unique drinking cup for the jaded rubber
fetishist.
Pope -- One of the four...
mal -- What! Hmm I've had that plunger for years.. well
since we relocated to our new digs. E. always
comments on how we seem to have so many of them. I
think we have three or four.
Pope -- At anyrate, MAl, I'm disappointed you're stealing
stuff from digs again.
mal -- Good lord. I'd better take better care of that
thing. It's just sort of listing again the old
toilet now. I usually use the other one because
the flamingo head flops around and can poke out
and eye.
mal -- Stealing? Never. I was preserving them from the
sweaty hands of an ignorant student.
Pope -- How many vitally important artifacts are lost when
some archaeologist thinks "Hey! That would look
really good next to the O'Keefe poster over the
commode"? [Editors note: Strangely enough we do have an
O'Keefe over the Commode.. ah the Pope does it again.]
mal -- Oh probably about 70% of anything dug up in egypt I
would imagine.
Otodotos -- Working with Ancient Magicks is always dangerous!
Pope -- Yeah.... or "That would look great next to the
water heater in the basement of the British museum"
mal -- Hmm why do you think I use the other plunger most
of the time. I could see it now. Just one plunge
and most of the sewage system of Highland Beach
gets blown sky high.
mal -- Or maybe suck down some little old lady doing her
business.
mal -- That's' all I need is a wet old person showing up in
my toilet.
Pope -- I don't think the plunger was ever meant to be USED,
just adored from a safe distance
mal -- Hmm maybe I should get a case for it.
Pope -- An ANGRY old wet person
mal -- Or maybe one of those 1/2 bathtub shrines. I could
put it out on the lawn and my land lord could get
constantly fined until it was removed.
mal -- Hmm they'd also have their pants down or skirts up
or what ever which would be worse than just being
an angry old person who's wet.
mal -- Actually if Christ appeared around here hanging on
a cross they'd fine him. Or at least make him paint
himself pink.
mal -- So how does on display the toilet plunger anyway?
Rightside up or upside down?
Pope -- Actually, maybe practical uses for religious
paraphenallia could be one of the ways we
distinguish ourselves from other religions. I'll
bet that other Pope has never sound a practical use
for all the various relics... "Reduse, reuse,
recycle" could have d
mal -- Should I use gold foil and guild the business end?
Pope -- eep spiritual meaning
Pope -- Gold foil sounds good., as long as the scotch tape
is clearly visible
Pope -- Eike! We've lost Otodotos. Might loose me soon,
too (modem's in conniptions)
mal -- good idea oh Pope. I can't really see the Catholic
Pope digging weeds with an arrow that pierced St
what's -his-butt's side.
mal -- Yikes... Well I've been having a bit of modem
trouble as well. :-) As usual it's a plot to stop
us.
Pope -- Exactly! Or binding heretics with the same chains
used for St. Peter
mal -- Or better yet using those chains for your snow
tires.
Pope -- Modems: Of course. Clearly the work of the evil
Zakinthians
mal -- They'd got a big microwave beam set up somewhere
and are frying the phone lines.
Pope -- Well, he'll be back. what bugs me is: WHERE IS
EVERYONE ELSE?
mal -- The sumerians were smarter than us. THey used fires
on hill tops. That sort of communication is hard to
corrupt.
Pope -- Zakinthians: Hmmm, maybe I need more tin foil on my
head...
mal -- Or wrap the foil around the modem and nearby
telephone poles.
Pope -- Fires on hill tops: yes, either that or just plain
shouting... or maybe semaphore
mal -- Maybe we should switch to semaphore. I can't
imagine irc being so complicated people have
trouble using it.
mal -- Hmm well I've got the listserver now. We could
blast out another message.
Pope -- Neither can I, but you forget the first Truth of the
Inner Doctrine: XXXXX XXX XXXXXX [censored].
mal -- Oh dear.. that's the first truth of doing psychology
experiments.
Pope -- Perhaps we should try the listserver. If nothing
else we can completely piss people off
mal -- Okay.. I'll just send a message saying something
like Preach-o-rama now. Where are you?
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1993
