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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 2 Issue 39
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 39
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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INTRO
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Well here we are again with another issue of Purps. I wanted to throw more
Messenger of the Gods into this but deadlines came and went and I figured it
would be best if I just send this out.
Summer is here, and hopefully that means they'll be a lot more time for me
to devote to Purps. Hopefully I can finally get organized after the great
Lulu exodus and what not.
This issue will hopefully contain many exciting OTISian things for you to
ponder over, including a glossary by the infamous Doc Simpson. (I have more
material from him which will be appearing at a later date.)
One of the problems I've been experiencing lately once again, is lack of
submissions. OTIS needs your submissions! Submit! Submit! Submit! I would
like to note however, that some folks have been sending us submissions and
no doubt OTIS will bless them for it. It's just that those aren't enough.
We need to hear from more people. Surely there are tons of nifty OTIS related
things to submit!
Of course I could put in a dire warning that an entire issue might have to
be written by me. We all know what that means *shudder*.
Anyway, on with the show.
===========================================================================
YOUR DAILY DOSE OF IRON
===========================================================================
From: mikkelson@thewav.enet.dec.com (snopes)
Subject: Re: Iron in blood setting off metal detectors
Date: 23 APR 92 09:51:30
In article <1992Apr15.201018.1@vm2.cis.pitt.edu> tjw@vm2.cis.pitt.edu writes:
>See how much rust (iron oxide) will stick to a magnet.
Since you brought it up . . .
"When Kellogg Co. introduced Frosted Rice in 1977, it received letters
from consumers who had discovered it was possible to pick the stuff up with
a strong magnet.
According to a company spokesman, 'We had problems evenly distributing
the product's sugar coating,' wherein most of the iron was concentrated.
Rather than attempt to even out the iron content, Kellogg simply reduced it
from 25 percent of the FDA recommended daily allowance to 10 percent. In a
statement to _The Wall Street Journal_, Kellogg promised that the new,
improved -- and demagnetized -- version could not be lifted with magnets
'unless they are very, very strong.'"
- snopes
===========================================================================
B-B
===========================================================================
Subject: "bob" campeau
From: suddenly@leland.Stanford.EDU (David Smith)
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 92 23:32:22 GMT
Here is an excerpt from John Rothchild's book " Going for Broke: How Robert
Campeua bankrupted the retail industry..." The quotations around "Bob" are
the author's.
"...Almost everyone I did interview, from the top bankers and deal-makers
down to the people who had no more than a passing acquaintance with
Campeau, referred to the man as "Bob." It was never "Mr. Campeau" or even
"Robert Campeau," just "Bob." Journalists who are accustomed to using the
last names only called Campeau "Bob." Ex-business partners, whether they
liked him or not, did the same. This was so prevalent that I began calling
him "Bob" in my questions, in spite of the fact that we'd never met. "What
did Bob say," I'd ask a source," when Citicorp discovered he didn't have any
equity?" Or," How often did Bob get his sheep injections in Germany?"
That so many individuals with whom Campeau was linked casually and/or
professionally would call him "Bob" must mean something. From what I can
gather, it wasn't the familiar "Bob" that is customarily applied to friends
and neighbors, because Campeau remained aloof, an enigma even to his
closest associates. It was more a bemused "Bob" offered in amazement at his
endearing and baffling antics, not the least of which was taking over two
major corporations with virtually no money down..."
No, I am not making this up.
d.
===========================================================================
OTIS IS CONFUSING
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 28 Apr 92 19:45:56 EDT
From: Debbie <DCANALE@Kentvm.Kent.edu>
Subject: Re: Subscription
To: Underling of Otis <mal@socpsy.sci.fau.edu>
In-Reply-To: Message of 27 Apr 92 06:53:58 EDT from <PETER@socpsy.sci.fau.edu>
Was so thrilled to find message that my subscription to PURPS had been
accepted. I mean, who knows how many committees and security checks my
application had to go through! Anyway, as I was leaving the computer lab,
my head bowed in grateful thanks, the elevator doors opened and what did I
see? OTIS! Written right there on the floor of the elevator! I know
you're thinking that OTIS is the elevator company name, but I had been in
that elevator millions of other times, and never noticed that OTIS was
written on the floor. It was a cosmic experience, like...like..a
THUNDERBOLT had hit me! I'll never forget it.
Could you give me some background on OTIS and Spode? Not that every-
thing I've read so far doesn't make perfect sense or anything, just for my
own personal use I'd like to hear the history. Thanks much.
Deb
[The fastest and easiest way to get background on OTIS and Spode is to read the
back issues of Purps. (Available from HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu or from
quartz.rutgers.edu in the /pub/journals/purps directory.) Of course there are
also tons of printed material as well. Most of this has not made it's way
onto the network. The worship of OTIS only recently moved onto the
Internet. Before that, it was going strongly through the mail, by word of
mouth, and the traveling OTIS Medicine show.
Of course the best way to get more "stuff" about OTIS is to send money to
the IGHF (address at top). That is the address you also need to use if you
want to get initiated into the deeper mysteries of OTISianism. They'll teach
you how to Summon Brow For Tea among other things.
Of course, if you know the signs and signals, you can contact The Most
Ancient Order Of The Knights Of OTIS.
Finally, there is a set of Doc Simpson's lectures on The Ancient History of
OTIS. These however are not readily available due to the good Doctor
constantly being busy. The best place to get a hold of those would be to
write to the IGHF as well.
As for things not making sense to you, well, that takes time. OTIS is a
very complex and ancient religion. Traditions passed down over thousands of
years can sometimes cause the original concepts to become a bit garbled.
Take for example a Samaritan Priest and bring him to our time. Then say to
him "E.T. phone home." This phrase would make absolutely no sense to him.
Now reverse the time element. For example an Ancient Knight of OTIS comes
up to you and says "XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXXX XX XXXXXXX" (NOTE: Mystical
Phrase censored because you have not sent the IGHF enough money to even be
given a hint that this phrase exists.) As you see, confusion results.
To become unconfused, you must delve deeply into the "stuff" of OTIS, and
even then the truth may escape you because OTIS is giving you one of her
"tests of faith." ]
===========================================================================
VOTE EARLY. VOTE OFTEN.
===========================================================================
From: paul iverson <paul_iverson@qmrelay.mail.cornell.edu>
Subject: FWD>None
To: paul_iverson@qmrelay.mail.cornell.edu
Message-id: <3EE13555EA22A6ED@ACC.FAU.EDU>
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 92 09:25:34 PDT
From: eto@seti.Jpl.Nasa.Gov (Edward T. Olsen)
"USA Today" is running a poll following the COBE-DMR announcement of the
detection of anisotropy in the microwave background. The poll question:
"Should NASA be studying the origin of the universe? Is exploring the 'Big
Bang' theory worth $400 million?"
To respond, either
o Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-828-0909
o Fax 703-247-3134
or, for the technologically impaired, write to
Letters to the Editor
100 Wilson Blvd
Arlington, VA 22229
Vote early and often! It's free and it feels good! Wouldn't it be a shame
if this message were to be spread through the E-mail net?
===========================================================================
OTIS AND POLITICS
===========================================================================
From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
Subject: Hail Otis! for he has halitosis
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1992 15:46 EST
Pat Bucannons last speech was incredible. He stated all the reasons why he
thought America was in decline and it was all because of a decline in moral
values throughout the land. Art, Movies, the Press, MTV, public TV, the
radio all came under attack for one reason or another. He thinks that
America should get all of these under very strict control for greater moral
integrity. Well all right Pat my boy, I think you should enforce strict OTIS
morality.
1) "Hail OTIS!" must be stated or written on every piece of mass public media
every 30 minutes, or every 4 square yards.
2) Every American must eat at least one chili dog each week or be lathered
in mustard in public.
3) All politicians are heretofore required to begin each sentence with an
apology.
4) Any gratuitous display of sensibility should be met with swift
beatings with wet noodles(Pat will enjoy that one).
5) ll wrtng frm nw n mst nvr s ny vwls, nyn cght sng vwls wll hv thr tng plld
frm thr mths.
6) Nythng myslf dnt lk myslf shll dstry, I can, oops , Aaaaah! NO NO NOT THAT!
@!$#%@$#%@#$%
[Actually, the OTISians do have a political party. You need to see issues
about 20 -30 for all the dope on it. Alas, as of late, the driving force
behind this political movement, mainly Humpy the Stumpy Bear, has been lost
in vortex of some sort due to some irresponsible experimentation on the
part of one of our South Florida OTISians. Hopefully this situation will be
fixed very soon.]
===========================================================================
EASTER
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Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1992 19:14:18 EDT
From: "The words inside you can't come out / you analyze what it's
about/and I know where to find you when the day is done...-A. Logic"
<hillv@vax001.kenyon.edu>
To: hailotis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Subject: submit??
(Alternately it could be included in PURPS as proof that while I may not
worship OTIS, I do know how be entertaining periodically...)
"At St. Stephens Episcopal Church in Armonk, NY, at Easter each person was
issued a potted hyacinth, and we'd sing a song that had a lot of
"alleluias" in it, and every time we'd get to one, we'd hoist our pots over
our heads. This is the truth. Remember it the next time somebody tell you
Episcopalians never really get loose."
-Dave Barry, Chicago Tribune
===========================================================================
SPACEMAN FALSE ALARM
===========================================================================
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 92 14:54:54 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: weather funny
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1992 12:54:15 -0600
From: Bear Giles <bear@tigger.cs.colorado.edu>
Subject: Risks of a modern weatherman
(From the bulletin board down the hall...)
Network Wind Profiler Severely Damaged
A wind profiler in OAR's Wind Profiler Demonstration Network (WPDN) was
severely damaged by several shot-gun blasts late last week. On March 28,
just before sunrise, two men and one woman were pheasant hunting in
southern Nebraska [and] came across the McCook wind profiler and mistook it
for an alien spacecraft. Frightened, they fired a number of shots damaging
the profiler antenna and the electronics shed. Furthermore, a Forecast
Systems Lab (FSL) technician who was in the shed conducting routine system
checks was taken hostage by the hunters. After being held captive for
nearly two hours, the technician's partner arrived and explained to the
hunters what the profiler really was. The hunters then fled and so far,
they have not been apprehended by law enforcement officials. Profiler
damage is estimated at $150,000.
- = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = -
A profiler (developed in the building where I work) is a phase-array radar
which "looks" nearly straight up. The basic model can determine wind
direction and speed from the ground to about 50 mb (around 20km, at a
guess); a recently developed enhancement can also determine air temperature
up to the tropopause. They are used in a manner similar to weather
balloons, but provided hourly summaries instead of 12-hour reports. (They
operate continuously, but the data is rather noisy).
I've never seen an actual profiler on the ground, but the models and
artist's conceptions show a flat rectangular grid. Coworkers describe it
as a "construction junkyard", or "flat pipes" held about 4 ft above the
ground.
Of course, those of us in the mountains have a very low opinion of
plains-dwellers. Several meteorologists on a "storm chase" last year
reported on Kansan walking up to them (on the side of the road) and asking
"Is that a tornado?" What he thought the large funnel cloud a few miles
away was, if not a tornado, nobody has every figured out...
Bear Giles bear@fsl.noaa.gov [Yes -- the "fsl" is for Forecast Systems Lab]
National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration / Boulder Labs
===========================================================================
VIRUS ALERT
===========================================================================
From: hoffman@seas.gwu.edu (Lance J. Hoffman)
Subject: Major Virus Alert (Humor!)
Date: 28 Apr 92 03:58:28 GMT
With thanks to Michael Brodie for passing it on,
From: Michael L. Brodie <mlb2@gte.com>
-----> M A J O R V I R U S A L E R T <-----
* George Bush Virus - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get
rid of it until November
* Ted Kennedy Virus - Crashes your computer but denies it
ever happened
* Warren Commission Virus - Won't allow you to open your
files for 75 years
* Jerry Brown Virus - Blanks your screen and begins flashing
an 800 number
* David Duke Virus - Makes your screen go completely white
* Congress Virus - Overdraws your disk space
* Paul Tsongas Virus - Pops up on Dec. 25 and says "I'm Not
Santa Claus"
* Pat Buchanan Virus - Shifts all output to the extreme right
of the screen
* Dan Quayle Virus - Forces your computer to play "PGA TOUR"
from 10am to 4pm 6 days a week
* Bill Clinton Virus - This virus mutates from region to
region. We're not exactly sure what it does.
* Richard Nixon Virus - aka the "Tricky Dick Virus" you can
wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
* H. Ross Perot Virus - same as the Jerry Brown virus, only
nicer fonts are used, and it appears to have had a lot more
money put into its development.
via Charon 3.4 with IPX id 102.920504090049.448;
===========================================================================
BUSH-LISH DICTIONARY
===========================================================================
[Here's a golden opportunity for submissions. This OTISian has barely
scratched the surface of BUSH-LISH. Send in your own set of examples.]
Date: Mon, 4 May 1992 09:02 EST
From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
Subject: Hail OTIS
I really got a kick out of President Bush's speech in response to the
burning of LA. His (ab)use of the English language is just genius. [no doubt a
blessing for Crieza.] I think
a dictionary of Bush-lish should be compiled so that the common man can
come to understand the complexities inherent in his use of verbiage.
A few prime examples (would like to hear more):
A lawless group of anarchists: One hell of a bunch of protesting pissed off
people.
Guests: Hostages
No New Taxes: U GONNA PAY SUCKER!~
Smart Bombs: 40% accurate and don't worry about the civilians (mistakes)
Domestic Policy: No Comment
===========================================================================
WACKY GROUPS TO WRITE TO
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 May 92 18:05:12 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: wacky groups and their addresses
From: terry.mccombs@matrix.sbs.com (Terry Mccombs)
Subject: INTERESTING MAIL.
Date: 29 Apr 92 00:52:00 GMT
Below are some advertising that I have seen of late, and it's all real, I
have no idea what you would get if you were to send off for any of these
but if any of you do PLEASE tell us what you got in return for your
inquiry.
ALL KINDS OF STUFF OUT THERE
1. GUARDIAN ANGELS -- Discover amazing facts concerning their existence!
Free details -- Mamre 107 2nd Avenue, Murfreeboro TN 37130.
2. ANGELS OF LIGHT -- America's fastest growing religion. S.A.S.E. P.O.
Box 18462, Raleigh NC 27619.
3. DO RELIGIONS CAUSE WARS? -- Startling answers to deepest questions in
Percival Books. Unlike any other you've read FREE brochure. Word
Foundation, P.O. Box 180340-F, Dallas TX 75218.
4. ANTHROPOSOPHY penetrates guidance and hindrances from other realms,
(huh? T.Mc) and more. free catalog. Anthroposopy Press, Suite 20, R.R. 4
Box 94AI, Hudson NY 12534.
5. JESUS, MOSES, MARY BURIED IN INDIA! Guaranteed true! Free photos,
proofs! Geo-1, Box 607, Adelanto CA 92301.
6. MAD SCIENTIST MAGAZINE. Hyperspace, Boolean demonology, parachemistry,
more. Sample $4.95. Six issues $19.95 P.O. Box 8242, Salem MA 01971-8242.
7. UFO AFRINEWS: All-African UFO reports. Enquiries: Gemini, Box MP 49,
Harare, Zimbabwe.
8. GEORGE WASHINGTON CALLED THEM Pealers. They were feared, respected,
held in awe. They still are! Pealer Group, 41-15 46 St., Dept. 2M, L.I.C.
NY 11104. Information and membership $5.00.
9. KILL THE ALIENS, steal the saucer. $5.00 Postal Money Orders Only.
Shadow Wolf Unlimited, Box 457, Glennallen AK 99588.
10. VAMPIRES EXIST JOIN US! $5.00 Box 3582, Lacey WA 98503.
11. VOUDOUN, VOODOO, neo-African systems, catalog with Temple supplies
$8.00, classes on tape, ritual work by request. -- T.O.T.S., 1317 North San
Fernando Blvd., Suite 310, Burbank CA 91504.
===========================================================================
TALK
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 05 May 1992 13:15:56 EDT
From: "Thus though we cannot make our sun / stand still, yet we will make
him run. --Andrew Marvell" <hillv@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: silly parent
Subject: Talk
Date: Tue, 05 May 92 10:07:22 -0400
From: vhill@math08.gatech.edu
The 18th century mathematician Euler (not as in Houston Euler!) spent much
of his career in Russia. He made a brief visit to Prussia, and a princess
there commented, "Herr Euler, you do not talk very much." He replied,
"Madam, where I live, people who talk too much are hanged!"
===========================================================================
WORD OF THE DAY
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 May 92 09:43:02 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: Word for the day
From: ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (AjD)
necrodepilafelaphilophobia
It means, "fear of having sex with a dead, shaven cat."
Use it wisely.
AjD
===========================================================================
POEM
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 07 May 1992 18:36:04 EDT
From: now i love you and you love me and books are shutter than books can
be -- ee cummings <hillv@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: not an original
From: VAX001::GREGORY "Can you say 7.5? --Thrash" 1-FEB-1991
18:58:03.48
Subj: pome!
The wombat lives across the seas,
Among the far antipodes.
He may exist on nuts and berries,
Or then again, on missionaries;
His distant habitat precludes
Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
But I would not engage the wombat
In any form of mortal combat.
(Found this on some rutgers internet fortune-telling thing)
===========================================================================
PC SPEAK
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 May 92 12:43:17 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: more PC speak for your dictionaries
From: carasso@netcom.com (RDC)
Date: Tue, 05 May 92 04:42:43 GMT
Blunt Euphemism
----- ---------
old chronologically gifted
dead metabolically challenged (formerly Necro-American)
ugly cosmetically oppressed
bald follicle-impaired
asinine special
fatso person of mass
animal person of species
female person of gender
grouchy other-mooded
tedious attentionally disabling
lost positionally challenged
unreal metaphysically problematic
slouch motivationally impaired
evil ethically alternative
stupid differently clued
carasso Egregious-Man
===========================================================================
THE MICROSOFT CONSPIRACY
===========================================================================
From: axd7104@acfcluster.nyu.edu (Aaron Dickey)
Subject: Microsoft advocates killing of Jews
Date: 29 Apr 92 23:24:20 GMT
Hey everyone! Did you know that Microsoft is advocating the killing of
Jews in New York City? I sure didn't! But it's true! I read it in the
paper!
Get ready for a whopper. Once again the news media proves that it doesn't
know the first thing about computers. The entire story, retransmitted
without permission, is below, as it appeared in today's New York Post.
For those who don't know, the Post is a tabloid paper, where the entire
front page is one huge headline. So, screaming out at millions of New
Yorkers this morning was the headline, "PROGRAM OF HATE". Above the
headline is a photo of one of those old PC green-screen displays, with
"NYC" = <skull> <Star of David> <thumbs-up sign> superimposed on the
screen. Above that is a subheadline, "Millions of computers carry secret
message that urges death to Jews in New York City..."
So, without further ado, here's the story:
ANTI-JEWISH CODE LURKS IN POPULAR SOFTWARE, by Don Broderick
One of the world's best-selling computer programs contains a secret
anti-Semitic message apparently urging death to Jews in New York City.
A computer consultant discovered the diabolic message while installing
Microsoft's new Windows 3.1 software for a client yesterday.
The consultant was testing a mailing-address use of the program when he
noticed the letters "NYC" had been replaced by a hateful message - a skull
and crossbones, the Star of David and an approving thumbs-up symbol.
Microsoft strongly denies any hidden message. Others disagree.
"There's no way it could be a random coincidence," said Brian Young, a
friend of the consultant, who does not wish to be named.
"It's pretty scary. I was pretty shocked by the whole thing."
Computer owners who use Microsoft Excel, Microsoft Word or any other Microsoft
program containing a print font named "Wingdings" can duplicate the
anti-Semitic message by typing the letters "NYC" on their screen.
Microsoft said "Wingdings" was designed by Bigelow and Holmes, an outside
vendor, and denied that Microsoft intentionally designed the secret message.
Prof. Charles Bigelow confirmed that his company provided the symbols, but
insisted that Microsoft made the final "mapping" decisions assigning his
symbols to specific keys on the keyboard.
But a senior Microsoft spokesman said the charge that the fonts contain a
hidden message is "outrageous."
"It's like saying that if you randomly type out characters on a keyboard to
spell 'Satan', you can do that, but it's incredible to say that there's
anti-Semitism in Microsoft or one of its vendors," said Charles Hemingway.
But Young, who discussed the matter with other computer consultants, isn't
so sure it's just a coincidence.
The "Wingdings" font contains no letters - just 255 symbols.
Young calculated the odds of three letters of the alphabet being combined
with 255 symbols, and said he found that the odds of obtaining the message
were less than one in a trillion.
"It's mind-blowing," said Young. "Somebody's responsible for this. This
is very offensive."
"I found it hard to believe some of the stories about the resurgence of
Nazi sympathizers - but this puts things back into perspective."
Microsoft, based in Seattle, is the world's biggest software publisher,
with 100 million customers around the world and sales of more than $2.3
billion in 1991.
When Windows 3.0 was introduced in 1990, customers were snapping it up at
the rate of 30,000 a week.
-- end of article
Above the story is a line of some of the various symbols in the "Wingdings"
font, with the caption: "LOADED: When a specific font is used in
Microsoft's Windows, these symbols, which correspond to the alphabet,
appear. Type the letters NYC, you get the death sign, the Star of David
and the thumbs-up."
So what do you all think? Should we load up the buses and make a pilgrimage
to Redmond to firebomb Bill Gates's mansion, or what?
===========================================================================
MAIL ORDER SHEEP
===========================================================================
From: hsr4@vax.oxford.ac.uk
Subject: How Do I Luv Ewe ? Let Me Count The Ways
Date: 14 May 92 09:58:54 GMT
A week or so ago, a friend of mine told me that he had received in the post
an invitation to purchase an inflatable sheep as a sex aid. "No bleating
to alert your neighbours" he'd said it claimed.
I thought "Yeah, yeah, yeah", another wind-up (my friend's wife usually
gets the brunt of his gems, one of which caused a minor security alert on
the local American military base - I promise I'm not making any of this
up).
Then today I read a reported judgement from the Advertising Standards
Authority, in which it was claimed a couple had replied to an advertisement
for rechargeable batteries and had subsequently been offered the inflatable
sheep (called 'Luv Ewe').
The advert contained a drawing and the statement "She has been developed
after years of research into how to bring the joy of sheep into your love
life without the obvious problems of a real sheep. No bleating to alert
neighbours. No risk of ruining your prize lawn.".
Puns already tossed in my direction include instructions not to ram
anything too hard into it, ewe might look a bit sheepish afterwards, if you
had half a dozen of them you'd be well on the way to having a damned good
flock, is that what a woolly jumper really is, very handy to have if you're
on the lam, sounds like a bleating good baa-gain, I hear it's shear heaven,
and it's just what your wellies were designed for.
Has anyone else come across such exotica, or is the UK spearheading the
move towards the greater involvement of animals in our daily lives ?
I'd buy one, only I just can't stand the thought of having to run round the
front every so often to kiss it.
===========================================================================
THE OFFICIAL OTISIAN GLOSSARY
===========================================================================
[Yes, at last, here it is, right for the archives of Dr. Simpson! It's the
OTISian Glossary. Maybe this will help stop some of the confusion. This is
probably one of the most helpful pieces of OTISian dogma to come down the
pike for quite some time. Paste it up there on the wall next to the Chart o'
the Gods you no doubt all have.
This Glossary is no were near complete. If you have any more words to add
please send them along. (Yes it's a submission idea silly!)]
AIRAMEKO - The Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Anti-Masonic Elder
Knights of Otis.
Allie, Saint - Patron of Roads, Streets, Lanes, and Boulevards.
Arani - Divine Concubine of Otis.
Atlantis - Original home of Otisianism. (see "Eporopo")
Bar Trek - Ancient Otisian drinking game.
Batrakhomuomakhia - the Histories of Early Atlantis.
Blix - God of Pain.
Blue, Saint - Patron of Alleys.
B_b - the Name That Should Not Be Uttered.
B-Otis-2 - The Evil Anti-Otis.
Brow - God of mindless violence. Call 1-800-URA-BROW to speak
with him in person. (See also "Isenbrau")
Bulltha - an ascended master channeled by several devout
Otisians.
By the Balls of Brow - A magazine of unadulterated truth,
available from Pagan Publishing, 1409 Wilson Ave, Columbia, MO
65201.
Cats - Small carnivores that live with us.
Caturkaya - The Four Bodies of Otis Doctrine. Otis is composed
of four mutually interpenetrating "bodies" consisting of the
Dharmakaya, the Nirmanakaya, the Sambhogakaya, and the
Mohakaya. (see all of the above)
Chad the Fuzzy, St. - Archbishop of Kenyon, Patron of Billiards.
Chad the Manly, St. - Bishop of Philadelphia, Patron of Grammar.
Chucks - Extra-dimensional Angelic Beings that take on the form
of sports shoes in the mundane world to assist certain
Otisians in quests of cosmic importance.
Creiza - Goddess off Eddittinngg. cosmic importance. at least
Croom - Lesser breaches of proper doctrine. However, at least
one Otisian Matriarch has declared "It is better to commit the
daring crimes of froom than to participate in the pale and
unoriginal misdemenors of croom." From the Atlantean
"Keroodi-feroomi." (see also "froom")
Dharmakaya - the "essence body" of Otis, the universal principle
of Otisness.
Dolphins - All secretly want to have sex with humans.
Eight, The - Also known as "The Eight Who Serve the Four" (see
also "Four, The") Traditionaly counted as Arani, Heethor,
Nepha, Creiza, Mahri-Llyn, Brow, Reaf, and Papsucker. Some
sects recognize different rosters, however.
Elbo - Goddess of Angles and Grease.
Elvis - Is alive and working for Otis.
Encolpius Ebriosus, Publius - Last Pontifex of Otis in Rome.
Eporopo the Apostate - Caused Atlantis to sink.
Fawna - The Otisian Bimbo.
Four - Holy number of Otis.
Four, The - Otis, Lotus, Rhotos, and Spode.
Four Animals of Otis - Haddock, owl, gerbil, and yak.
Four Bodies of Otis - (see "Caturkaya")
Froom - Forbidden practices and extremely unorthodox doctrines.
Please note that all froom is optional. From the Atlantean
"Feroomi."
Frued - God of Sexual Abstinance and Anal Retention.
Genki - The state of Pure Bliss and Utter Lack of Froom.
God X - God of Comparative Shopping.
Grbl - God of Suffering.
Great Purple Brotherhood - The great army of true and loyal
Otisians, in or out of physical bodies. More primitive creeds
have attempted to immitate this title but lacking the
scientific sophistication of Otisianism they have mistaken the
mostly ultra-violet color referred to in the title for white
and thus began the long and sad association of white with
"good" and black with "bad."
High Altitude Tibetan Bovine - (see "Yak")
Himie Azif - Chief Architect of the Temple of Otis at Ashrak.
Heethor - The Paisley Goddess, "She Who Never Straightly Doth
Anything Do." She is especially known for manifesting in
numerous incarnations, most famously Hythormadaralom (Lady of
the Pope's Robes) and Heethor Claus (who brings gifts to good
Otisians on the Winter Solstice).
Henry - God of Gerbils.
Host of Gambier - First humans to flee Khen-Yan and land on
Earth.
Humpy - The Stumpy Bear.
Ijereja - The first priestess of Otis.
IKO - The Illuminated Knights of Otis.
Imrana - The Great Cosmic River that runs between the worlds.
Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes - The Papal See.
Isenbrau, St. - 8th Century BCE incarnation of Brow as Patron of
Fermented Drinks. (see also "Brow")
Jeffe, Pope - Current Pontiff of the Worldwide Temple of Otis.
Johnson, Euphemia, St. - Patron of Spontaneous Combustion.
Jordan, Adolf - Re-established Otisianism in the late 19th
century.
Jubela, Jubelo, Jubelum, and Jubelee - Plotters against Himie
Azif.
Libation - An excuse to get drunk.
Lotus - God of Peace. Also known as Zizyphus.
MANA-YOOD-SUSHAI - Creator of the Universe, a "deus otiosus."
Mahri-Llyn - Goddess of Sex and Bodily Excretions.
Mohakaya - the "confusion body" of Otis, the ineffable
"otherness" of Otis.
Money - Please send to 955 Massachusetts Ave, Suite 209,
Cambridge MA, 02139-9183.
Naxos - Center of Classical Greek Otisianism.
Nepha - Goddess of Chocolate Easter Eggs.
Nirmanakaya - the "transformation body" of Otis, the physical
manifestations of Otis on Earth to give his/her devotees
deeper, more fulfilling lives.
Odysseus - An euhemerized Greek form of Otis, "Otis-Zeus" (the
zeta lost its dental aspect by dependent sound change) In
Homer's epic he admits his true name is Outis (see "Otos")
Ota - Swahili form of Otis, popular with the Mombasa underworld.
Otas - Lenape (Delaware) Indian form of Otis.
Otiosus - Latin form of Otis, demoted in the Empire to the God of
Leisure.
Otis - Ancient Atlantean God(dess) of Life. Call 1-800-444-OTIS
to speak with Otis live.
Otisian Directory - Fine dogma from the Pope. (see "Money")
Otisrobes - Especially the Papal Robes but in a more general
sense, any ill-fiting and ugly garment.
Otos - Ancient Greek form of Otis. Also known as "Outis."
Papsucker - Grand Vizier of the Gods and Watcher at the Gate.
Purps - The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode.
Quadrinity - Usually refers to The Four (see) but sometimes used
for the Caturkaya (see also).
Ragnarok - The big KA-BLOOIE, the end.
Reaf - God of Mind-Altering Plants. Call 1-800-444-REAF to speak
with this very powerful deity.
Reiod - God of Plaid.
Rhotos - God of Death.
Sambhogakaya - the "bliss body" of Otis, the Otis that just wants
to party.
Sanat Kumara - Leader and pilot of the Host of Gambier.
Scrense - To remove the harmful effects of froom.
Sinister Ladies of Mystery - 12 dark planetoids orbiting the
Earth that are invisible to current technology. They draw off
the pure and holy energy of Otis and reflect it back as froom.
Slogath - One of the many Hells of Otisianism.
Soap - Goddess of Bureaucracy, not to be confused with the
substance they give you little bars of at motels.
SOG - Super Occult Genius, a power manifested by devout Otisians.
Spd - Egyptian name of Spode, identified with the star Sirius.
(probably pronounced "Sped")
Spode - God of Confusion. Also, an ancient Otisian drinking
game.
Spodos Kulikon - A Classical Greek form of Spode, chiefly
worshiped in that culture as the God of Drunkards.
Tim of the House of Blue Light, Preacher - Right hand man to Pope
Jeffe.
Toilet Mysteries - The hidden inner teachings of the Illuminated
Knights of Otis.
Tyff, Saint - "She of the Bloody Pinking Shears," patron of
vengeance and castration.
Ura - An Atlantean term roughly corresponding to "O, great,
wonderful, really neat-o, extra-special Lord(Lady) God ____"
(ex. "Ura Otis," et c.)
Vooti - God of Disease.
Wayne - God of New Jersey.
X-Suh - A benevolent spaceman trapped in an Earth orbit. He
transmits advice on ether waves of the space-time continuum.
Yak - A hairy high altitude Tibetan bovine animal that should not
be tossed under any circumstances. Any reports of Yak-tossing
among Otisians are vicious propaganda spread by our enemies.
Zakinthians - Evil enemies of all decent Otisians.
Zanzoona - A universal guide and master teacher, not a soccer
player.
Zech - The Love Bunny.
Zizyphus - See "Lotus."
===========================================================================
TOUCHY BEAR
===========================================================================
From: kfree@arghouse.UUCP (Kenneth Freeman)
Subject: Re: Smokey the Touchy Touchy Bear
Date: 17 May 92 09:20:05 GMT
fehr@ms.uky.edu (Jeff Davis) writes:
Sorry to bring in a non-legend, but this is one which deserves
to be legendary.
You may draw a picture of Uncle Sam with horns, or one of a
Nazi hiding Mandrake-like behind the flag, or even one of George
Bush cackling with glee as he throttles a lemur, and you will be within
your legal rights. However, alter the image of Smokey the Bear and you
take your freedom in your hands. Printing a non-standard Smokey the
Bear picture is a criminal offense with a punishment which could include
six months in the pokey. There was an article in this morning's
Lexington Herald-Leader about a case now pending in which someone
used a non-standard Smokey caricature in a flyer, and criminal prosecution
is one of the Forest Service's options. As Clyde Barrow said
in _Bonnie and Clyde_, "Ain't life grand?"
Stay tuned. Or better yet, get Rodney King's reaction. And duck*.
*Verb form. Imperative. A noun in that sentence may get me in trouble
with the Disneys.
--
Jeff Davis <davis@keats.ca.uky.edu>
===========================================================================
QUACKING MAN
===========================================================================
Subject: EDUC: UNC "Breakthrough" Makes the Front Page!
Date: 21 May 92 06:08:14 GMT
Man Strips, Quacks After Committee Denies His Orals
The Associated Press
CHAPEL HILL -- An upset graduate student was arrested after he stripped
off his clothes and quacked like a duck when his orals application was
denied. "It was a first for us," Department spokesperson Fred Brooks said.
The unidentified almost 30-year-old man was seated naked in a professor's
office in the graphics department when police arrived Thursday. Officials
said he replied with duck quacks when questioned by police.
After his arrest, police said he caused $1,000 damage to a police vehicle
by butting his head into a window frame and kicking a door.
Magistrate Gabe Quintanilla ordered the man held for psychiatric
evaluation. Committee officials would not disclose why the man's orals were
rejected.
===========================================================================
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
===========================================================================
--1991 Subink.
