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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 3 Issue 44
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 44
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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INTRO
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Preintro:
Okay here we go. I'm going to whack this together and send it out. It's
been too long and now that there are a few dozen more subscribers Purps had
better make an appearance. For those of you just tuning in, this is the
44th issue of Purps. It is now starting on its third year. Originally this
esteemed journal of OTISIAN thought was edited by Pope Jephe of the
Infinite Spellings. He edited the first 20 or so. Sad to say, the Pope had
to go onto bigger and grander things in the real world, and lost his net
access for awhile. So the holy office of Purps editor was handed over to
me. I've been editing it ever since.
Who is this OTIS being, you ask? Well, OTIS is the Ancient Sumerian God of
just about everything. OTIS has been around for a very long time. So long
in fact it cannot be revealed just how long it has been. OTIS is the head
of a pantheon of Gods who to this day continue to grow. Or should I say,
continue to be revealed to the masses. Much that is of OTIS is kept hidden
by the Knights of OTIS for reasons only known unto them. If you would like
to know more read the previous issues of Purps, they are chock full of
important details, or drop the Pope a line at his E-mail address
jstevens@world.std.com. He'll be more than willing to explain more. After
all, that is one of his many tasks OTIS gave him to do. Also, you can send
normal mail to the IGHF at the address given above. This is an important
address and should be used regularly. The IGHF has a thankless job of
spreading the world of OTIS to the world. Why not send them a few dollars.
For the mere price of eating dinner at Burger Death you could make the
IGHFs day and help defray the costs of the new budding Eastern European
Mission.
What you read in Purps are all OTISIAN revelations. Some hit you over the
head with their Dogma. Others are very subtle, and it may take years for
the meaning to sink in. Look at the world around you. OTIS has planted many
many many clues to help guide you on the path to enlightenment.
Real Intro:
I suppose you could call this an intro, or perhaps you could call it an
anniversary address. It's one of those wastes of text editors who are full
of beans find necessary to place somewhere in their anniversary issue.
In case you hadn't guessed it, Purps is yet another year older. We're
starting on our Third year now. Amazed it lasted this long? I'm not. After
all, we have the backing of divine entities in this one, and even though
the forces of darkness as of late have been inflicting untold bad stuff on
me I'm still alive. (Why hey, just last week I ended up in the emergency
room because I was rolling around on the floor in a pool of sweat screaming
feeling like I had a kidney stone...of course after many complex and no
doubt expensive tests, which I hope the OTISian medical plan will be able
to cover, they found nothing and decided I just had a "bad back" or
something to that effect.)
Perhaps I should just knuckle under and get this issue out before the next
bad thing happens. Perhaps the shuttle will crash into our new pad or
something of that nature. Still, usually September is the worst month of my
life and since This is October, things should start being smooth
sailing.[Yeah right.]
Of course one could view my misfortunes as some sort of divine
teachings/trials or what have you similar to what you'd find in the ancient
OTISian texts. And I'm sure the pain I went through with the old back
business was nothing compared to some of the ancient secret rituals of the
Knights of OTIS.
So what does one do in an anniversary issue? Well, mostly business as
usual. I suppose, once again, the business about how we change the volume
number to reflect the year and leave the issue number alone. Why do we do
this? Some divine force inspired us. I had a dream a year ago where I was in
a sea of numbers and they floated by in order. The sun rose and fell and
after 365 times the numbers changed in appearance but continued to
progress. Then another year went by and the same thing happened. Over and
over again. I don't remember how many years. It certainly was many. No
doubt each referred to an issue of Purps. I can't remember how high the
numbers went, but I do remember it was higher than the highest number on a
Doc Savage Novel.
Of course the secret symbolism of Doc Savage has yet to be revealed in
Purps so the true meaning of this may escape you. If you are troubled by
this Pray to OTIS or perhaps follow the OTISian command of "SEND US MONEY".
I'm sure with a cash donation to the IGHF they could start you on the long
and fruitful road to enlightenment.
Once again we'd like to thank everyone for their submissions. Hopefully by
next issue we'll be caught up. We still have bushel baskets of them at this
time, so if yours isn't in this issue it should be in the next. Please keep
those submissions coming.
Since it is coming close to the closing on the new year we are looking for
future predictions. Will Clinton be caught in some tawdry scandal in the
White House with a saxophone? Will he suddenly die and be mysteriously
replaced by the Otisian Candidates? Will Humpy the Stumpy Bear ever get
back to her home? Why is the mail box so far away from the beach and why is
the line so long?
We'll leave it up to you. Let OTIS inspire you.
In the better late than never department: Another OTISIAN directory has
come out. Write to the IGHF if you want more info or ask the Pope at his
address. This is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. With the more or less death of Fact
Sheet Five it's become hard to keep in touch with the mail underground. the
OD does a bang up job of keeping you up to date. It also has amazing cool
graphics and assorted stories of an OTISIAN nature. If you have any
magazine or what not send them to the Pope and he'll get them into the
Directory.
Also there's the Unspeakable Oath. Write to the Rev John (see his address
in his submission below somewhere. TUO is a high quality Call of Cthulhu
publication with very interesting articles and quite good art. In fact it's
worth just getting TUO for the art alone. If you are all interested in COC
or HPL drop the Rev a line.
Hmm I may be opening a can of worms on this but...Mal runs a sort of junk
mail list. This list consists of posting that are usually way to big to fit
in purps or just too odd or strange or what ever not to fit the Purps
format. Information on this junk mail list ranges from UFO's to security
holes in the Internet, to cake recipes to the hat size of the Pope, from
just plain silly stuff to serious important facts. This list has a lot of
volume and has in the past killed people's disk quotas. If you'd like to
get on this list send a note to Mal@socpsy.sci.fau.edu.
Rumor has it there's an OTISIAN book in the works. Keep your fingers
crossed.
The distribution list has been growing by leaps and bound thanks to High
Weirdness by E-mail. I suppose you can get a copy of it from
mporter@nyx.cs.du.edu. It's well worth getting (it's free after all) and
contains a wide assortment of interesting and amusing things you can get
ahold of. [A lot of our new subscribers I assume came off this list.]
Okay, you've been bored to tears. One last thing. Keep in mind Purps is a
friendly nice kind sort of publication. We don't bite or yell at people for
doing stupid things. Silly things are encouraged. I sometimes get the idea
from people trying to subscribe that we'll expect a pound of flesh from
them. That's not the case. Purps is supposed to be fun. Religion is
supposed to be fun! You've been conned all your lives into thinking it
isn't. If anything, OTIS is here to bring you that message!
####===================================================================####
FUN WITH PLUTONIUM
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1992 17:45 HKT
From: <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: tidbits from the American Physical Society
Group: aps-news, Item 86 (Current Item Range #18 - #94)
Subject: 17-Jul-1992
From: pcdobson@usthk.bitnet, The Hong Kong University of Science & Technology
3. BUSH ORDERS HALT TO PLUTONIUM PRODUCTION--WHICH ENDED IN 1988. It's not
clear where we would make plutonium anyway. The Hanford plutonium
production facility released more contaminated water into the Columbia
River than previously believed, according to a report issued this week.
The President also stopped production of weapons grade uranium, which we
haven't been making for nearly 30 years. The Natural Resources Defense
Council estimates that 75 of the 100 metric tons of the plutonium on hand,
along with 500 metric tons of enriched uranium, are surplus. In yet
another bold move, the President announced that nuclear tests would be
limited to six per year--the number currently scheduled.
Group: aps-news, Item 87 (Current Item Range #18 - #94)
Subject: 24-Jul-1992
From: pcdobson@usthk.bitnet, The Hong Kong University of Science & Technology
Date: 25 Jul 92 11:28:28 HKT
1. PHYSICISTS IN EUROPE, JAPAN AND CANADA OPPOSE SPACE STATION! In an
unprecedented joint statement issued today, the Presidents of a group of
major scientific societies, including The American Physical Society, fired
a blast at Space Station Freedom. That's hardly news; they do it every
year. But this time, the statement was accompanied by the translation of a
statement adopted by the German Physical Society. Like their American
colleagues, German physicists contend Space Station Freedom cannot be
justified on the basis of economics or science. And it didn't stop with
the Germans! The strongly worded German statement was endorsed by the
Executive Committee of the European Physical Society, and by the Presidents
of the Physical Society of Japan, the Canadian Association of Physicists,
and the American Physical Society; Japan, Europe and Canada are "partners"
with the United States in the space station. Meanwhile, at a Capitol Hill
press conference, Rep. Howard Wolpe (D-MI) released a letter signed by 75
of the most distinguished American space scientists; their letter contends
the space station cannot be justified on the basis of its scientific
usefulness or its importance to space exploration.
Group: aps-news, Item 89 (Current Item Range #18 - #94)
Subject: 31-Jul-1992
From: pcdobson@usthk.bitnet, The Hong Kong University of Science & Technology
Date: 1 Aug 92 10:07:27 HKT
1. ATTEMPT TO KILL THE SPACE STATION IS EASILY DEFEATED IN HOUSE! An
amendment to scrap the space station, offered by Bob Traxler (D-MI), failed
237 to 181 Wednesday night. Little had changed in a year; only a handful
of additional votes were cast against the orbiting budget eater, and the
claims of its proponents were as fanciful as ever. My favorite: one
Florida congressman solemnly explained that the station is the beginning of
human exploration of the galaxies. But back on Earth, the House found
itself a bit short of cash by the end of the evening, so it levied an
across- the-board cut of 1% on VA/HUD/IA appropriations, except veterans'
medical care. NSF--which was already flat funded--shared in the cut. The
cut would have been worse, but $380M was stripped from the unneeded
Advanced Solid Rocket Motor program, leaving just $100M. It was like
sharks attacking a wounded whale; ASRM is in the district of Rep. Jaime
Whitten (D-MS), the Appropriations Committee chair, but he was too sick and
old to fight them off.
2. SPACE STATION FREEDOM SEEMS CERTAIN TO SURVIVE IN THE SENATE. The full
appropriations committee will take up the VA/HUD/IA bill today. Yesterday,
the subcommittee called for the full $2.1B for the space station--$400M
more than the House version. Where will the money come from? The National
Aerospace Plane was zeroed and the Advanced X-Ray Astrophysics Facility was
stretched out. NSF would actually get a $162M increase, but most of that
would go to education. Research, which does not seem to rank near the top
of Sen. Mikulski's priority list, would actually take a $20M cut.
####===================================================================####
SAFETY REPORT
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 09:16:00 EST
From: "Nancy M. Piatkowski" <PIATKONM%SNYBUFVA.BITNET@VM1.NoDak.EDU>
Subject: a funny one (xpost)
College papers (as we all know) especially the public safety reports are a
often a source of humerous items. To brighten a Monday morning from the
University of Buffalo's "Reporter"- the administrative paper I write-
Public Safety received a report Aug 26 of a suspicious person
outside the UB Commons (a mini-plaza on the campus). According to
officers, it was an off-duty deputy watching concrete harden"
####===================================================================####
MARK 'O THE BEAST
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 09:33 HKT
From: LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET
Subject: FWD: MARK-OF-THE-BEA$T bar-code$ :)
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 19:25:00 CST
From: <MCELWRE@UWEC.BITNET>
Subject: MARK-OF-THE-BEA$T bar-code$
THE "MARK OF THE BEA$T"
ALL Christians are PROHIBITED by Revelation 14:9-11 from
cooperating with the "MARK-OF-THE-BEA$T" bar-code, OCR-
number, and magnetic-strip scanning systems, (as found in
local libraries, supermarkets, retail establishments, etc.),
which also THREATEN to SUBVERT Individual Privacy and
Freedom.
The scanners can serve THE SAME CRIMINAL PURPOSE as the
TV cameras in the book "1984"!
The UPC bar-codes are probably the most blatant form of
the "MARK OF THE BEA$T" so far, with the "NUMBER OF THE
BEA$T", 666, ALREADY CODED INTO THEM. Each of the so-called
"guard patterns", pairs of thin lines spaced close together
at the beginning, middle, and end of each full-length UPC
bar-code, is IDENTICAL to one of the two codes for a 6.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
Robert E. McElwaine
####===================================================================####
LIBRARY HEADINGS
####===================================================================####
<01GP1KY67F608WWIR2@ACC.FAU.EDU>; Mon, 21 Sep 1992 10:48 EST
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 22:15 HKT
From: <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: a few amusements from an excellent book!
From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago:
American Library Association, c1991), p.456
_Funny LC Subject Headings_
These Library of Congress subject headings have been selected over the
years by the LC Professional Association as the funniest and most
interesting.
Adult children
Beehives
see Bee - Housing
Combustion, Spontaneous human
Crummies
see Cabooses (Railroad)
Diving for men
Drug abuse - Programmed instruction
Errors and blunders, Literary
Feet in the Bible
Hand - Surgery - Juvenile literature
Impurity centers
Lord's supper - Admission age
Lord's supper - Reservation
Low German wit and humor
Monotone operators
Running races in rabbinical literature
Sewage - Collected works
Standing on one foot
see One-leg resting position
Stupidity
see Inefficiency, Intellectual
Surgery - Nutritional aspects
Thumbing the nose
see Shanghai gesture
Urinary diversions
Venereal disease - Programmed instruction
Source: "Funny LC Subject Headings Revisited," _American
Libraries_, May 1985, p.332
---------------
From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago:
American Library Association, c1991), pp.453-4
selections from _Quasi-Perverse Subject Headings_
Truth - Fiction [HCL]
Hormones - Addresses, essays, lectures [LC]
Hemmorhoids in the Bible [HCL]
Fish Pastes [May subdivide geographically] [LC]
Graham Crackers and Sexuality [HCL]
Turkey - Operas [HCL]
Sex Aids (for Canaries) [HCL]
-----------
From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago:
American Library Association, c1991), p.465
_Little-Known Facts from the New York Public Library_
_Unusual Users_
A man from New Jersey spent eleven years doggedly tracking down
the burial places of 60,000 New Jersey soldiers who fought in
the Civil War. ("I might as well be plain with you," he said,
"I'm a nut.")
-----------
From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago:
American Library Association, c1991), p.455
selections from _Quasi-Best Publishers' Warnings_
"Whoever Xeroxes this book calls down the curse of the
seven motherless pigs."
"This paper discolors with age and was ... selected for this qualty:
if the pages are yellowing, the directory is obsolete and should
not be used!"
####===================================================================####
THE STUMPY TABLETS
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 92 23:57:24 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu>
THE STUMPY TABLETS, part one
(TABLETES STUMPITUS)
as received and transcribed by the Reverend John
While vacationing in Independence, Missouri (said by the Mormons to be
the new Jurusalem, when Christ comes) I was strolling through the woods
minding my own business when I underwent a most peculiar experience.
A small brown bear with a wooden stump in place of one leg waddled
into view, looking plucky and hopeful. I stopped in my tracks; she was
a thing of beauty, a joy forever. She nodded at a nearby tree, which
was partially rotted, and then wandered off into the forest. My heart
racing, I hurried over to the tree. Inside, I found a set of six golden
tablets. These tablets were curiously marked, and resembled nothing so
much as cafeteria trays. Sure enough, there were spaces for the entree,
the side dish, dessert and some bread. But in these spaces there was no
food; no; lo; for within instead were inscribed words of great learning.
I at once set about to transcribe these words. Many were difficult to
comprehend, and thus the translation here is incomplete and puzzling
at best. It is my fervent hope that other scholars can pick up where my
humble faith has left off, and render these transcriptions in their
full meaning, for all to see. That said, what follows are my best
guesses at the contents of the Stumpy Tablets.
(1) For the kingdom is soupful, and all fall within the spoon.
(2) Those and with more besides shall not plenty be right.
(3) Signs and thorns of symbol all incorrect.
(4) Profess label for both and repairs for neither.
(5) Plunge! Plunge! Plunge!
(6) Next week tune in turn off tupper wear.
in peace and good tidings,
Rev
uc521832@mizzou1.missouri.edu
####===================================================================####
FAMILY VALUES
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 16:54:52 -0400 (EDT)
From: Fawn Fitter <ffitter@world.std.com>
Subject: family values
F A M I L Y V A L U D A Y S
at
W H O P P E R M A R T
1000s of Election Season Bargains for the whole Family!
-- BACK-TO-SCHOOL SAVINGS on stationery, clothing, Bibles.
Crosses 30 - 50% off!
Theme Books (Christian themes only) only $2.48 - $5.89!
Arnold Schwartzenegger lunch boxes now only $7.98!
-- Beautiful FAMILY PORTRAITS now only $8.99!
Portraits include Father, Mother (slightly shorter), and
two children. Extra children at no charge.
-- Trillion $$$ in TAX BREAKS, PRICE SUPPORTS, and PORK.
Guaranteed NOT TO BUST YOUR BUDGET! (*)
(*) Terms and conditions to be revealed after 1/21/93.
-- Pre-Season savings on HALLOWEEN MASKS and COSTUMES!
Ted Kennedy . . . . . . . . . . now only $7.99
Pat Schroeder . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.99
Hillary Clinton . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.99
Saddam Hussein . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.99
Welfare Mother . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.99
Assorted other Democrats . . . . 25 - 80% OFF!
Liberal Media costumes . . . . . 30 - 80% OFF!
-- MOTHER - DAUGHTER matching OUTFITS, now only 9.99 - 18.99! (*)
(*) Proof of marriage required
-- Your choice of QUALITY SCHOOLS! (*)
Color -- YOU CHOOSE!
Religion -- YOU CHOOSE!
Sex Education -- YOU CHOOSE!
Creationism -- YOU CHOOSE!
Value of Pi -- YOU CHOOSE!
(*) Prices not yet determined, but guaranteed to be less
than existing public schools.
-- 88 pc plastic DAN AND MARILYN DOLL SET, now only $22.88! (*)
Includes plastic replica of Air Force 2, his 'n her offices
with two copies of all important documents, Indiana National
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Secret Service agents, and more! (Clothes for 11.5" dolls
will fit.)
(*) DAN doll slightly irregular.
-- 1000 pc plastic GEORGE AND BARBARA DOLL SET! Includes Golf
Set, vacant lot in Texas, three strands of pearls,
Kennebunkport house w/ speed boat, Marine 1 helicopter,
assorted banks and oil companies, sleep aids and thyroid
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and much more!
(*) Offspring sold separately. Collect the complete set!
-- Heartwarming, lovable, BUCHANANSTAIN BEARS CHILDRENS' BOOKS
only $2.17 each!
The Buchananstain Bears Meet a Non-Judeo-Christian
" " " and Too Many Homosexuals!
" " " and the Liberal Media
" " " in the Cultural War
-- BIG SAVINGS on discontinued items:
James Baker World Travel Kit, includes passport, Mid-East
proposals, dictionary, field guide to world leaders
Syrian Dictator Mask (replaced by Iraqi Dictator Mask)
Drug-Loving Mexican Pres. Dart Board (replaced by NAFTA)
Environmental Protection Agency
Education President coloring books
Sam Skinner / John Sununu / Dick Thornburgh action figures
Anita Hill Halloween Mask (not scary enough)
-- 1000s more items at BIG DISCOUNTS
W H O P P E R M A R T
10 Acres of Discount Family Values
####===================================================================####
EVOLUTION
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 16:34:16 -0400 (EDT)
From: Fawn Fitter <fsquared@eff.org>
Subject: vote early and often
Presidential Evolution
\\
\\\\ \\\\
\\\\// \\\\\ \\\\\\\
( / | _-=\ / \\
o o |) . . ) |oo \\ _________\/
/_ | /_ | | ( / ) \
(___ | | / / /_ / o o \
|||) ' |_ / |____ | _________
\___/ _/ |__/ / \_______/
/ |_/ / __/ \_____/
(____/
Carter Reagan Bush Quayle?
####===================================================================####
DAN QUAYLE ATTACKS WARNER BROTHERS
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 23:50:20 -0400 (EDT)
From: Fawn Fitter <fsquared@eff.org>
Subject: Funnies (fwd)
From: charlie@lindy.Stanford.EDU (Charlie Channel)
Subject: Dan Quayle Attacks the Road Runner, Bugs and Tweety
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 15:48:24 GMT
At the dinner table last night, my son said that Dan Quayle attacked Warner
Bros., specifically the Road Runner and Bugs Bunny.
''The Road Runner,'' said Quayle, ''consistently and flagrantly flaunts
disregard for the law. Such a role model sends the wrong message to minds
that are in formation. In fact, the Road Runner continually attacks both
family values and societal values. Kids run around the house where they
ought not and grow up into adults that disregard red lights, stop signs and
paying taxes. And that Hollywood conspiracy, for the sake of the almighty
dollar, is driving the country into the ground. Do you wonder why Rodney
King tried to run?''
Quayle also said, ''The important lessons of life are that a person can do
those things and not get caught. Wile E. Coyote, who personifies the
establishment, the police authorities and servants of the executive branch
of the government, never catches the Road Runner. He's always running off
a cliff and walking on air, until he notices he has exceeded the capacities
of human common sense. It's only after he becomes aware of what others are
so acutely knowledgeable about that he succumbs to the laws of gravity.
So, despite his best attempts to bring the Road Runner to justice, to do
what's right, to make a plan work, he fails. That is not the sort of
morality Hollywood ought to be teaching our kids.''
One reporter in the audience prefaced a question about Bugs Bunny with the
comment that televised cartoons should have no place in political
discussions or the six o'clock news. Unfortunately, Dan Quayle did not
permit him to finish and began a tyrade against Bugs.
''There's nobody more despicable than Bugs Bunny,'' he yelled. ''The
common theme of denigrating authority, taking other people's property and
generally being a culprit in destruction and mayhem is evident.''
''I abhor the violence,'' he continued, ''because Bugs Bunny is actually a
threat to civil order. In fact, he's outright seditious. Moreover, he
makes the police look like idiots. What do you think it means when Elmer
Fudd, who really represents law and order, attempts to level a shot gun at
the rabbit and the rabbit shoves two carrots down the barrel. You know
what happens when Elmer pulls the trigger? A good Republican is made to
look like a fool, that's what!''
John Carman, a reporter for the S.F. Chronicle, commented that he didn't
know Elmer was a Republican. The whispered comment was heard by Quayle,
who addressed the issue.
''That's not the point,'' said Quayle. ''The point is family values are
under attack, as are society values and political values. That's not the
sort of thing anybody, any law abiding American citizen, should be teaching
kids . . . I don't care how established, how profitable, and how legitimate
the business.''
''I was only joking,'' said Carman.
''It's no joke,'' replied Quayle, ''when you look at the pattern of things.
Yosemite Sam, for example, another good, upstanding, law and order kind of
guy. Positive role model. But, what do you think happens whenever he has
a confrontation with the Bugs? The conspiracy is evident to even a casual
observer.''
''The media has a bias,'' Quayle continued. ''It's a liberal establishment
favoring the Democrats. There's no doubt about that.''
''Prove it,'' a heckler shounted, ''you've got 4 more months.''
''Clearly,'' Quayle yelled, ''Jerry Brown and the Democrats always comes
out on top. All you have to do is see how Sylvester fares when he attempts
to catch Tweety, that little affectedly effete yellow bird. Don't think
for a minute I don't know who Tweety is.''
Then Quayle, looking at the audience said, "You owe me, Bugs. You owe me!"
I asked my 18 year old son what he made of all that.
''I think Mr. Quayle still watches too much TV.''
Next Saturday morning, TV news crews will be in homes and bars around the
country filming and taping millions of Americans sitting down, staring at
their TV's, looking like they're looking at a god, transfixed, waiting to
see how the Road Runner, Bugs and Tweety will respond. Stay tooned!
####===================================================================####
A DEEPLY RELIGOUS TALE
####===================================================================####
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Chapter Five)))))))))))))))
{As you may recall our hero had just gone into a dead faint when he
came to the realization that something weird was going down. As our story
opens, Wilberforce comes to his senses riding in the sidecar of a motorcycle
driven by a large burly man who smells of stale beer and onion rings.}
"Where am I?" yelled Wilberforce rubbing his eyes trying to be heard
over the noise of the wind whistling by at 90 miles an hour. The diver did
not appear to hear him. So he tried again and had the same results. He then
looked around and noticed riding next to him Trixie and her husband, the
part time angel, part time computer consultant. Trixie smiled at him and
waved, taking off her heart shaped sun glasses to get a better look at him.
Wilberforce waved feebly back as he was jounced back and forth in the
side car into which he was wedged with three cases of beer. Our hero looked
around, trying to figure out his location. He noticed a sign that said his
home town was just ten miles away. He would be home soon and then have to
deal with the Hell's Angels running amuck in his house. If he only had
asked for those doberman pinschers instead of the zebra sofa in the divorce.
That had been year ago and by now the dogs were probably dead. At least the
couch was still in one piece. He wondered for a moment how one could take
beer stains out of a zebra skin.
Our hero sighed and sat back, trying to enjoy the ride since he could
do nothing else, mulling over the events of the past few days and trying to
ignore the few stray cats and dogs the Angels ran over. He felt very
uncomfortable with these wildmen and women. One false move and he could be
dead. He'd have to keep on Trixie's good side for that.
It wasn't long before they arrived at Fredric's home. They had simply
asked Wilberforce for directions and threatened to throw him out of the
moving motorcycle if he didn't tell them.
The horde of bikers roared up onto the front lawn spitting dirt and
grass everywhere and badly scaring the grounds keeper who had been trimming
the hedge.
Inside they moved, tracking mud all over the artist's expensive
carpets. Into the living room they went, to discover a man dressed in white
robes sitting in an easy chair reading a magazine, smoking a pipe. Next to
the chair rested a bull horn. The man looked up and quickly put down the
magazine, picking the bull horn up with the other hand. He thumbed it on
and spoke. "Well Mr. Wilberforce I see you've made it back. Did you
fulfill your quest with the help of this gang of ruffians?"
Wilberforce fainted.
******************
He came to on a lawn chair in the back yard. Next to him sat the
divine messenger calmly smoking his pipe and doing a crossword puzzle. All
around him the bikers were doing normal biker type stuff. Someone had found
a badminton set and a game was in progress.
"Drink this," suggested the messenger handing the artist a tall glass
of ice tea. "Now sit up and tell me exactly what's been going on. You see
I've been a bit busy lately and haven't had a chance to check on you. After
all, we're a bit short when it come to help upstairs. The rise of t.v.
evangelism is doing us no good at all."
It took the fat artist a few minutes to pull himself together before
he spoke. The messenger had sat calmly waiting, occasionally waving at one
biker or another when they waved at him.
Finally Fred spoke, "Well nothing much really."
From inside a pocket on the messenger's flowing white robe an alarm
went off. The messenger shook his head and pulled out a small electronic
device with the word "Sony" printed on it.
"Oh come on now, Mr. Wilberforce, something did happen. My lie detector
here says you are lying."
The artist's eyes bugged out at the sight of the device and he opened
and closed his mouth,not saying anything. The messenger,seeing this
reaction,handed him the lie detector so he could examine it.
"We've managed to keep up with modern technology. No more burning
bushes for us. We use the latest scientific equipment. After all, we're
trying to save souls," explained the messenger. Fred examined the device
and handed it back.
"Okay,I'll tell you the truth. I'm no longer celibate. And I did it
with a married woman."
"Yes," said the messenger pulling out his little black book and
writing in it.
"I don't have to go on the quest now,right,since I'm not chaste any
more?" added Wilberforce hopefully.
"Wrong!" said the messenger.
####===================================================================####
CHRISTIANS ARE BEING DUPED!
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1992 01:49:43 -0400
From: Fawn Fitter <fsquared@eff.org>
Message-Id: <199209240549.AA16350@eff.org>
Subject: Here's a good one for Purps...
>From: gisle@ifi.uio.no (Gisle Hannemyr)
>Subject: Re: CHRISTIANS ARE BEING DUPED!
>Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 21:58:50 GMT
> From: gee@dciem.dciem.dnd.ca (Thomas Gee)
> Date: 23 Sep 92 14:14:48 GMT
> CHRISTIANS ARE BEING DUPED!
panic: dup christian in block 15540
> Most Christians would agree, and correctly so, that
> Jesus Christ was a perfect living Master, and a projection of
> God into the physical world, God Incarnate.
Ah! God dot world
JC = ------------- * world (Assuming world is in R^2)
|world|^2
> First, Jesus Christ was NOT unique, John 3:16 NOTWITH-
> STANDING. There is ALWAYS at least one such perfect living
> Master (God Incarnate) PHYSICALLY ALIVE in this world AT ALL
> TIMES, a continuous succession THROUGHOUT HISTORY, both
> before and after the life of Jesus.
So, if the incarnation is continuous, is it also differentiable?
> The followers of some of these Masters founded the
> world's major religions, usually PERVERTING the teachings of
> their Master in the process. Christians, for example, added
> THREATS of "ETERNAL DAMNATION" in Hell, and DELETED the
> teaching of REincarnation.
cat gospel hell | grep -v reincarnation > gospel ?
(Except this fancy newfangled shell that I'm using doesn't let
me do this anymore.)
> Secondly, and more importantly, after a particular
> Master physically dies and leaves this world, there is
> NOTHING that He can do for ANYbody except for the relatively
> few people that He INITIATED while He was still physically
> alive.
Ah, because only his children know their ppid?
> These things are similarly true for followers of most
> other major world religions, including Islam.
But not those who worship at the feet of UNIX! (Death to the VMS
infidels!)
> One such perfect Master alive today is an American, Sri
> Harold Klemp, the Living "Eck" Master or "Mahanta" for the
> "Eckankar" organization, now headquartered in Minneapolis,
> (P.O. Box 27300; zip 55427).
Please make your cheques out to .....
> People would
> behave much better toward each other if they knew that their
> actions in the present will surely be reaped by them in the
> future, or in a FUTURE INCARNATION!
But if we didn't reap them, then they'd become zombies and just hang
around cluttering up kmem.
> PLANES OF EXISTENCE
Backplanes of existence?
> The physical universe is the LOWEST of AT LEAST a DOZEN
> major levels of existence. Above the Physical Plane is the
Data Link Plane
> Astral Plane, the Causal Plane, the Mental Plane, the Etheric
> Plane (often counted as the upper part of the Mental Plane),
> the Soul Plane, and several higher Spiritual Planes
Including the Network Plane, the Transport Plane, the Session Plane,
the Presentation Plane, and --- the final ecstasy --- the Application
Plane.
> It is likely that ESP, telepathy, astrological
> influences, radionic effects, biological transmutations [see
> the 1972 book with that title.], and other phenomena without
> an apparent physical origin,
including VDT radiation and the ability to remember the emacs
commands..
> SOUND CURRENT vs. BLIND FAITH
vi vs. emacs
> The "SOUND CURRENT" manifests differently for different
> Initiates, and can sound like a rushing wind, ocean waves on
> the sea shore, buzzing bees, higher-pitched buzzing sound,
> various heavenly music,
the Grateful Dead at 120 dB,
> or other sounds. In Eckankar,
> Members start hearing it near the end of their first year as
> a Member. [I am a 2nd Initiate in Eckankar, and well into my
> 5th year of Membership.] This and other experiences (such as
> "SOUL TRAVEL") REPLACE blind faith.
But when do you finally obtain emacs-competency? 8th initiate?
12th? Give me hope!
> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
> IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
Well, perhaps slightly altered.
> Robert E. McElwaine
alt.religion.COMPUTERS, Bob. .COMPUTERS!
^^^^^^^^^^^
####===================================================================####
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 1992 18:17:34 EDT
From: "With a voice like hot baby-oil in a cold computer classroom..."
<hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subject: you know you missed me--
By the by,the letters in the phrase "Southern California" can be
rearranged to form :
"hot sun, or life in a car."
Just thought I'd share that with you.
####===================================================================####
LETTERS
####===================================================================####
[The next couple are letters send out about new subscribers and such.]
Good good! We can always use more recruits! Make it required. Advise them
the IGHF needs money. Lots of money. Tell them where to send it!
Remember you will receive a commission for any money they send in the form
of some of that money being "donated" in your name. You'll go on the big
board there at IGHF central with all the good peoples names.
Mal
####===================================================================####
MORE LETTERS
####===================================================================####
>From: KENYON::DEBAECKEA 10-SEP-1992 16:17:19.13
>To: HILLV
>CC:
>Subj: Otis is calling...
>
>Hi!
>Well, this is your UCCling Andrew once again,
>just mailing to thank you for that wonderful piece of
>literary artistry known as PURPS. I would be eternally grateful
>if you would be so kind as to place me on the distribution list
>and thereby begin the long and winding trail for me as an Initiate.
>I can hardly wait to read some of your material. If your writing
>is half as good as your UCCing, I'm sure I'm in for a real treat.
>Catcha on the Flip Side,
>AGD
Blessed art thou for being so eager! You should rejoice having been
steered on the correct path to enlightenment by your advisor. Trust her
words, she is wise in the ways of many things and her contacts are many,
divine and mystical.
Ah but do not think of the trail to Initiation as long winding. For
enlightenment of this magnitude it is a very very very short path compared
to what other false religions offer. Take heart and soon you will be among
the chosen of Otis. [And if the trail still seems too long and winding
consider doing what the government does when it wants to deal with a long
and winding road. It invests money and soon the road becomes straight and
broad. This same philosophy can apply to Otis.]
Hail Otis
Mal
####===================================================================####
AND STILL MORE
####===================================================================####
>Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 16:17:18 EDT
>From: wintera@kenyon.edu
>To: PETER@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
>Message-ID: <009609D1.9C6B7020.15567@kenyon.edu>
>Subject: Re: hmmmmm
>
>Well, I suppose I'll just have to settle on being blessed two-fold for now.
>Anyway, here's a lost yak I found wandering around in the bed next to mine who
>became jealous of the 'interesting' mail I'm receiving. His address is
>tackettm@kenyon.edu. Another lost yak just asked to be blessed as well. To
>reach him during his circumambulations, you may address him at
>jenkinp@kenyon.edu. May Otis bless him as well. Thanks be to Otis!!
>
> Andrew (Q.)
>
Ah you have done well so new to the cause and everything. Otis is one of
the great mysteries of the universe and happens to be the greatest mystery
of Kenyon. How else could you possibly meet the amazing Spode?
Keep up the good work. I suggest you get in contact with the Arch Bis. I'm
sure he can tell you of any upcoming activities and about the possibility
of the Pope's B-day appearance at Kenyon. Also be sure to ask about Bar
Trek.
Hail Otis!
Mal
####===================================================================####
ROCKET SAFETY CODE
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 92 21:38:02 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu>
Subject: hee hee
Date: Monday, 14 September 1992 6:23pm CT
From: BHeustess@utxvm.cc.utexas.edu
Subject: Model Rocket Safety Code
A friend got this list at World Con 50. It was produced by AFAN, Anything
for a Nickel (PO Box 95, Canal Pt, FL 33438). I hope you enjoy it. I know
that I did. I followed many of these rules myself when I was young.
AFAN Model Rocket Safety Code
1. Materials: My model rocket will be constructed only of the flimsiest and
most flammable material I can find. The nose cone shall be fitted with a
metal spike, sharpened to a fine point.
2. Motors: I will use homemade, untested moodel rocket motors constructed in
my basement from materials found in my toolshed, such as matchheads and old
blasting caps.
3. Recovery: I vow never to use a recovery system of any kind, as doing so
would deny me the pleasure of seeing panic-stricken spectators running in
terror from the plummeting projectile.
4. Weight and Power limits: My model rocket will use a motor at least ten
times more powerful than the manufacturer's reccomendation. Picture a Saturn
V engine in a Volkswagen.
5. Stability: I vow never to check the stability of my model rocket before
flight, and in fact will attempt to make my original designs as instable as
possible, enhancing thier recreational value.
6. Payloads: My model rocket will carry either the most flammable, explosive
payloads possible or live animals, or both.
7. Launch Site: I will launch my model rocket indoors whenever possible, or
failing that, will find a hospital parking lot or congested street corner in a
large urban area.
8. Launcher: I will use no launching device to guide my rocket into its flight
path. Instead, I will simply stand it on its tail fins in a pile of dry weeds
and dead grass and light the fuse.
9. Ignition Systems: I will use no ignition system except short lengths of
fuse or Bic lighters. Bystanders will be encouraged to stand as close as
possible to the launch in order to gain the full effect.
10. Launch Safety: I will never give up the element of surprise by alerting
bystanders to an impending launch with a countdown. My rocket's liftoff angle
shall be adjusted so that my rocket will impact a target of my choice,
possibly the aforementioned bystanders. If my rocket suffers a misfire, I
will encourage newcomers to pick up the rocket and look into the engine to see
what the problem is.
11. Flying Conditions: If possible, I will fly my rocket only when the
prevailing winds are blowing at more than 50 mph, creating more of a challenge
for the recovery team. If a low-flying plane enters the launch zone, I will
attempt to shoot it down for extra points.
12. Pre-Launch Test: When conducting research activities with unproven model
rocket designs or methods, I will, when possible, determine the reliability of
my model rocket by having a friend hold it while it is static fired. I will
conduct the launching of an unproven design in a state of total inebriation,
preferably at a Worldcon bid party.
13. Launch angle: At launch, my rocket will be pointed within 30 degrees of
horizontal, as higher angles make it extremely difficult to accurately target
plate glass windows.
14. Recovery Hazards: If a model rocket becomes entangled in a power line or
other dangerous place, I will not attempt to retrieve it. Instead I will ask
someone else to do so.
I can barely type this list. I laugh too much. I apologize for any typos,
they are my fault, not AFAN. Send me any additional rules or emendations to
these rules. I would love to hear them.
Brent Heustess
####===================================================================####
OTISIAN RITUAL
####===================================================================####
LIEBERE IV - The Star Pointing Backward
Let the Adept be armed with his Magick Toilet Plunger ( and provided with
his Mystic Bowling Towel (1)).
In the center(2), let him give the O.T.I.S. signs(3); or if he knows them,
if he will and dare do them, and can keep silent about them, the signs of
A.I.O.K.O being the signs of Plunge, Flush, Foam, Splash(4). Omit the sign
F.U.(5)
Then let him advance to the East and make the Holy Arrow(6), saying:
All Points in Space lead to Otodos.(8)
Let him go round to the South, make the Holy Arrow and say: Fill us
with your Light oh Otodos.(9)
Let him go round to the North, make the Holy Arrow and then say: I see the
Blue Light as it rises over the Horizon.(10)
Let him then return to the Centre, and so to The Centre of All ( making the
the Fourth Secret Sign as he may know how ) saying Otodos Otodos Otodos.(11)
(In this the Signs shall be those of Spode Triumphant and of Rotus. Also
shall Brow appear in the Circle. Let him drink of the Beer and let him
communicate the same.(12)) Then let him say whatever he wishes, though his
speech may be extremely garbled at this point.(13).
Go Out among the nonbelievers and have tea with them and dwell in their
houses in the usual fashion until such a time as they are drawn into the
fold.(14)
Let him then repeat the signs of O.T.I.S. but not the signs of B.-.B.: for
it is not he that shall arise in the Sign of Elbow Rejoicing.
NOTES:
1) The Magick Toilet Plunger is the Rod or Wand of the Initiate, in this
context the erect penis. The Mystic Bowling Towel is the Holy Grail or Cup
of the Priestess, ie, her vagina.
2) Of the circle.
3) See plate 3 - refers to a page in the transcripts of Akephalos of Cnidos
( Guild 1989 )
4) Rerevealed to Pope Cool after their loss of a thousand years.
5) Taken from the Song of Brow
6) See page 454 - again refers to the transcripts of Akephalos of Cnidos (
Guild 1989 ) Copies of this operation can be found in many other places
though, eg, IGHF Initiate Manual et al.
7) Perform the unmentionable rite than cannot appear in print.
8) Romans went on to steal this mystical phrase for use in advertising
their city.
9) The More Adept of the Priests may attempt to get a donation out of the
initiate at this time.
10) A perfect visualization is necessary for this step. The initiate must
actually see the Blue Light rising from the Horizon. As a last resort a set
of props consisting of a large globe of the earth and a blue light may be
used. At all costs the Initiate must see the light.
11) It is permitted to have musical accompaniment at this point.
12) Any old beer will do. The more the better.
13) Tape recordings are permitted at this point. A written transcript of
Brow's utterances MUST be sent immediately to the IGHF for verification and
Holy record keeping purposes.
14) It may be necessary to shout this statement several times so that Brow
will understand. In ancient times it was permitted to pin the instructions
to the lapel of Brow's sport coat with a gold pin.
####===================================================================####
THE SECRETS OF SCIENTOLOGY
####===================================================================####
[Just because we can't reveal our secrets to the masses does not me we
can't reveal other religions secrets.]
From: lindsay+@cs.cmu.edu (Donald Lindsay)
Subject: Xenu FAQ
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 01:39:37 GMT
Apparently this material is part of OT III, "The Wall of Fire".
Subject: Attack of the Thetans from the Planet Teegeeach!
Date: 07 Nov 85 10:45:18 PST (Thu)
From: jef@lbl-rtsg.arpa
[from the Los Angeles Times, via the San Francisco Chronicle]
SCIENTOLOGISTS SCRAMBLE TO KEEP SECRETS
Los Angeles
Documents obtained by the Los Angeles Times show that the members of
the Church of Scientology believe that mankind's ills were caused by an
evil ruler named Xemu who lived 75 million years ago.
Scientologists have been trying to prevent the release of the
documents, which they consider secret and sacred, and about 1500 church
members crammed three floors of the Los Angeles County Courthouse on
Monday, effectively blocking public access to documents.
Nevertheless, the Los Angeles Times had already obtained access to the
documents, which were submitted as part of a civil case brought by former
Scientologist Larry Wollersheim, before lawyers for the Scientologists
requested they be sealed.
Wollersheim charges that the organization defrauded him by promising
him higher intelligence and greater business success through Scientology
courses that cost thousands of dollars.
In arguing to keep the court documents sealed, the church has told its
members that it could be physically and spiritually harmful for them to
learn about the upper levels of Scientology before they have mastered the
preparatory courses. Scientology attorneys have argued that disclosure of
the material violates the group's religous freedom.
Scientology is widely known for its use of "auditing", a form of
one-to-one counselling in which a lie-detector-like instrument called an
E-meter is used to help a person erase negative experiences, supposedly
freeing him to achieve his full potential.
The group bases its beliefs on the writings of L. Ron Hubbard, the
reclusive science-fiction author who in the early 1950's published the
best-seller "Dianetics: the Modern Science of Mental Health."
What is rarely discussed, however, is Hubbard's secret teachings, which
disclose his thoughts on why mankind has been plagued by problems through
history, the topic of the disputed documents.
Generally, the documents suggest that a major cause of mankind's
problems began 75 million years ago, when the planet Earth, then called
Teegeeach, was part of a confederation of 90 planets under the leadership
of a tyrannical ruler named Xemu. Then, as now, the materials state, the
chief problem was overpopulation.
Xemu, the documents state, decided to take radical measures to overcome
the overpopulation problem. Beings were captured on Earth and on other
planets and flown to at least 10 volcanoes on Earth.
The documents state that H-bombs far more powerful than any in
existence today were dropped on the volcanoes, destroying the people but
freeing their spirits, called "thetans," which attached themselves to one
another in clusters.
After the nuclear explosions, according to the documents, the thetans
were trapped in a compound of frozen alcohol and glycol and, during a
36-day period, Xemu "implanted" in them the seeds of aberrant behavior for
generations to come. When people die, those clusters attach to to other
humans and keep perpetuating themselves.
Before a Scientologist can learn about thetans and how to eradicate
them, he must go through a progression of costly programs.
For hours on Monday, Scientologists swamped workers in the clerk's
office with hundreds of requests to photocopy the documents.
Superior Court Judge Alfred L. Margolis, over strong objections, had
issued an order Friday making the documents public at 9 a.m. Monday - on a
first-come, first-served basis.
Scientologists, by snaking the line through three courthouse hallways,
made sure that they were the only ones to buy copies of the materials.
Shortly before noon, Margolis, at the request of Scientology lawyers,
resealed the materials, pending a hearing later this week.
Jeff Pomerantz, a Scientology spokesman, said the strategy was intended
to "keep the materials secure ... Religion is not supposed to be
disseminated from the courtroom."
---
From: goehring@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Scott Goehring)
Date: 17 Jan 92 14:42:58 GMT
[Excerpted from _L. Ron Hubbard: Messiah or Madman_, Bent Corydon, page
364. I have not edited this beyond word-wrapping it; any errors are
OmniScan's fault.]
The head of the Galactic Confederation (76 planets around larger stars
visible from here) (founded 95,000,000 years ago, very space opera) solved
overpopulation (250 billion or so per planet -- 178 billion on average) by
mass implanting.
He caused people to be brought to Teegeeack (Earth) and put an H Bomb on
the principal volcanoes (incident 2) and then the Pacific ones were taken
in boxes to _Hawaii_ and the Atlantic area ones to _Las Palmas_ and there
"packaged."
His name was Xenu. He used renegades. Various misleading data by means of
circuits, etc., was placed in the implants.
When through with his crime, Loyal Officers (to the people) captured him
after six years of battle and put him in an electronic mountain trap where
he still is. "They" are gone. The place (Confed.) has since been a
desert.
The length and brutality of it all was such that this Confederation never
recovered. The implant is calculated to kill (by pneumonia, etc.) anyone
who attempts to solve it. This liability has been dispensed with by my
tech development.
One can _free wheel_ through the implant and die unless it is approached as
precisely outlined. The "free wheel" (auto running on and on) lasts too
long, denies sleep, etc., and one dies....
In December '67 I knew somebody had to take the plunge. I did and emerged
very knocked out but alive. Probably the only one ever to do so in
75,000,000 years. I have _all_ the data now but only that given here is
needful....
####===================================================================####
TROLLING FOR TAILLIGHTS
####===================================================================####
Subject: [RHF: "Trolling for Taillights" Highway Game]
Date: Thu, 08 Oct 92 04:17:45 -0400
From: ""T.S. Davies"" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 92 4:30:04 EDT
>From: jerbil@ultra.com (Joseph Beckenbach)
Subject: New Highway Travel Game
This has passed through several hands. The citation I have for it
is one John De Armond <jgd@dixie.com>, who appears to be one of the culprits.
------
Trolling for Taillights (and related Effluvia)
Draft 3.0 (05/25/92)
Introduction
Trolling For Taillights (TFT) is becoming one of America's fastest
growing highway participatory sports. It is loads of fun, requires
only modest equipment and achieves justice on the highway. And it is
Good Clean Fun (TM) at least until the target has to clean his
drawers.
TFT refers, of course, to the sport of communicating to other drivers
by stimulating their radar detectors and observing and recording their
responses. Only simple radio equipment is needed: an old microwave
burglar alarm will do fine. More sophisticated equipment such as a
Kustom KR-11 Instant On Moving Police Radar will yield better and more
consistent results. Nontheless $10 worth of Gunn Oscillator will
achieve quite adequate scores if the proper skills are practiced.
How it Works:
Think of RADAR as a Tractor Beam. It's a vector-subtraction ray, a
negative speed insertion device: If the target is ahead, it sucks them
back toward you; if they're behind, it pushes them away. One can also
think of it as a high-tech version of the American Indian game of
counting coup. In short, think of it as evolution in action, as in
Road Warrior.
Safety First:
Because the target of your trolling may react erratically, certain basic
safety rules are necessary.
* No trolling of vehicles with less than two car lengths of clearance
behind and in the lane to either side (if applicable.) This allows
for an Unindended Deceleration Transient (UDT.)
* No trolling of Texas Cadillacs (pickemup trucks.) with large dogs
standing on the toolbox. The dog might not like it.
* A minimum of 1/10 mile clearance between you and the target is
required if the target is placarded with any of the following:
"Flammable"
"Explosive"
"High Explosive"
"Radioactive"
"Nuclear Weapon" (2/10 mile for this one.)
Special Awards:
It is desirable to recognize outstanding fishermen in our ranks.
Accordingly the following special award catagories are established:
* The Million Dollar Club - A million total points.
* The Kilobrake Trophy - Causing one thousand Brake applications.
* 1000 Points of Light - Causing the most simultaneous brake lights
in any one year.
* Worked All States (WAS) - Snagging a trophy catch originating from each
of the 50 states.
* Golden Jam Award - Causing the largest traffic jam as a result of
trolling WITHOUT involving a wreck in any one year.
If you think you qualify, contact the management for your award. Video
tape is highly recommended for scoring purposes and for documenting
when the cop mistakes your head for a baby Harp Seal.
Rules of Engagement:
Trolling posture
Proper trolling posture is in the right or next to right lane with
the Radar at the ready but out of sight and de-energized. Speed
should be at or slightly below the speed limit.
Eligible Targets
An eligible target is any vehicle that meets the above safety
specifications and has a radar detector.
Target Selection
A target proceeding at greater than 20 mph over the posted speed
limit is the most fertile in terms of variety of actions and
presents the best odds of winning Adders and Multipliers.
Firing techniques
Forward - Wait until the target is a few car lengths in front of you
and fire phasers. Best results are achieved if the Radar is
bounced off a sign or overpass ahead of both you and the target. It
is best to confine your range to that where you know your Radar
will cause the target's detector to go full scale.
Rear - Generally confined to eliminating Rear Bumper Dwellers because
of the difficulty in scoring, the best technique is known as the
Annie Oakley style. Simply lay the Radar across your shoulder and
fire. Since you are achieving line of sight contact with his
detector, the results are spectacular. The Tractor beam in action.
Setting up for Subsequent Shots:
If you have a target that appears to be fertile for a repeat multiplier,
the best technique is to wait a minute or two and then pass the
target. This encourages the target to resume trolling speed aga
in.
Lead the target for awhile to build his confidence and then lift the
throttle and coast. Allow the target to pass you again and when
you achieve minimum clearance, fire again. Repeat Phasors coupled
with the vague recollection in the target's mind that you just
slowed way down will generally lead to spectacular trolling.
This technique can be use up to about 5 times (10 on yuppies and lawyers)
on a given target before he figures something's up. About the
4th or 5th shot is the optimum time to set the target up for
a nuke (see definition below.) The use of an intergalactic communicator
(CB) is vitally handy for assessing the conditions favorable
for nuking.
Special Techniques and Definitions:
These techniques have been found to produce better scores than shooting
for lone targets.
Nerd Herding: If you spot multiple cars equipped with radar detector, you
can herd them into a cluster by zapping them each time one tries to pass
another.
Wolf Pack: Played by two or more cars in convoy, communicating on an
obscure non-CB frequency: Wingman trails leader by about 1/2 mile,
spots targets and gives early warning to leader. Leader fires
rearward, hitting the marks with a strong head-on signal. Wingman
confirms hits. Leader and wingman try to see how many marks they
can herd between them.
Left Lane Bandit Blasting: This dual purpose technique yields good scores
and frequently busts up Left Lane Bandit clumps. This is the one
instance where clearance rules are relaxed. This is used
when the trolling vehicle is stuck behind a bunch of left-lane-bandits
proceeding side by side with geriatrics (real or premature) in the
more right lanes. If there are more than 3 or 4 cars in the clump,
odds are one vehicle will have a radar detector and will be driven
by a target who will respond to the troll even when going below the
speed limit. Also known as the Paranoid Factor. Technique is
to lift throttle (to give you some room) and firing into the
crowd. The inherent entropy introduced by the tractor beam
will tend to scatter the cars so that you can find a way through the
mess. You bust a left lane bandit and score at the same time.
Also known as "Bumper Cars."
Yuppy Puppy: Canine Critters, generally of a large/exotic/expensive breed
and always an utterly stupid, undisciplined monster.
Yuppy Larvae: Similar to Yuppy Puppy except of human origin. Generally
the result of her taking something seriously he poked at her in fun.
Also known, depending on context and age, as "accident", Yard Ape,
Busted Rubber, Curtain Climber or Precious. Personality characteristics
are almost identical to the Yuppy Puppy except that the Larvae is
louder and is generally allowed in restaurants and movie theaters
where they do maximum damage.
Scoring:
Scoring is done in accordance with the following table. This table
recognizes the added value of multiple hits on a given target and on the
difficulty inherent in getting multiple responses from one hit.
The easiest way to score is to get one of those handheld counting "clickers"
like are used by the gate keepers at the ballpark to count fans. This
is that chrome golf-ball sized orb that contains a mechanical counter and
a pushbutton that increments the count. Available from your local office
supply store for a nominal price. Scores can be kept in a log book
for submittal to the management. Winners (and L00zers) will be
recognized accordingly.
Basic scoring: What the target does: Select all that apply and add.
Looks about, slows down = 1 point
Tail lights = 2 point
Hard braking = 3 points
Lane change = 3 points
Hides his radar detector = 4 points
Blue smoke from tires = 5 points
Hits an exit = 10 points
Turns off detector = 10 points.
Pulls over and fakes car trouble = 12 points
Hits median and goes the other way = 15 points
Bonus Adders: Add these bonus points to whatever you got above:
Fuzzy dice + 1 point
Suction Cup Garfield (or other critter) + 1 point
Was already below the speed limit + 2 points
Cellphone in use + 2 points
Radar detector has cord draped across dash + 2 points
Eating/drinking interrupted + 2 points
" " " , stuff spilled + 4 points
Audio hit * + 3 points
Yuppy puppy on board + 3 points
Yuppy larvae on board (see definitions) + 3 points
"" "" "" with sign announcing same + 5 points
Slapping of yuppy larvae interrupted + 4 points
Vanity tag + 5 points
CB ** see below
Makeup being applied + 6 points
Head to head hit (opposite direction) + 8 points
Bimbo (male or female) + 10 points
Sexual act interrupted + 15 points
Off-duty cop + 20 points
Fully dressed police cruiser + 30 points
Confirmed lawyer + 40 points
Lawyer w/vanity tag that says "Tort" + 50 points
* Audio hit - when you're close enough to hear the target's detector
alarming.
** CB radio. Take 5 points for initial report of your hit on CB radio
and 5 points for each 10 minutes it's talked about.
Just add 'em all up and then do the multiplier.
Multipliers: Take all that apply.
Each subsequent hit on a target X (count of hits on that target)
Yuppy scum X 2
BMW/Benz/Porche/Jap clone thereof X 3
Motorcycle X 5 (reflects rarity)
Yuppy puppy bus (minivan) X 4
Lo-riders, similar vehicles X 3
Junker X 2
Nuke * X 10
* "Nuke" is the term used when the target is baited into busting a
real radar trap. Ticket must be issued to count.
Penalty box: Subtract these points:
Target shoots back with single digit of the hand - 2 points
with radar - 5 points
with gun - 10 points
Caught for speeding while trolling - 10 points
Caught for more serious infraction while trolling - 15 points
Operating without a radio license - 20 points
Getting trolled by another competitor * - 20 points
Getting caught by the Phuzz without license - 25 points
Getting caught by Uncle Charlie without license - 30 points
Having trolling implement confiscated - 40 pts + disqual.
Caught for speeding by RADAR while trolling - 50 points
* Defined as responding as a target to another competitor's tractor beam.
####===================================================================####
A DEEPLY RELIGOUS TALE
####===================================================================####
((((((((((((((((((Chapter Six))))))))))))))))))))))))
{As our viewers may recall it seemed as if Wilberforce had managed to
get himself freed from his quest by breaking his "vow" of celibacy.However,
he found out that this was not the case. We join hour hero a split second
after he hears this news.}
Fred choked and gagged on the remains of his iced tea, spraying tea
all over the lawn and causing many of the drunken frolicking Angels to fall
over with laughter.
"But...." whimpered the artist, wiping himself off with a blue
cocktail napkin.
"You're still on the quest. It's just that since you, ah, let's say
strayed from the true path, things will get harder. Remember you need a
virtuous soul to accomplish this task."
"Me a virtuous soul?"
"Good material is hard to find. Beside our panel of experts felt you'd
make a great hero."
"Me a hero?"
"You sure are a hit with the women," said the messenger stirring his
ice tea and motioning with is bull horn over at Trixie who was sunning
herself on the lawn.
"But she's a married woman."
"Stranger things have happened."
"Well now what?"
"Well now that you've committed a sin you must do some other deed to
redeem yourself. However, since I can't think of a task for you now we'll
just opt for penance."
"Penance?" asked Wilberforce trying to get comfortable in his chair.
He felt more relieved now but annoyed over the fact that he was still on a
quest. Also the Angels were beginning to bother him. They had started
throwing sticks of dynamite into his kidney shaped pool and riding their
bikes all over his award winning garden. They'd also managed to guzzle much
of his wine cellar and had eaten most of the food in the house. All the
servants had quit and the police had been over earlier to check out what
was going on. However, the messenger had straighten things out by waving
some official looking C.I.A. documents under his nose.
"You have to get punished for sins. We could just have you wait until
you go to hell, but you see, you need a clean soul for this quest so we'll
have to get your penance out of the way now. Besides, as of late, Hell's
been rather busy. A lot of the sinner are complaining about the long lines.
Almost like going on a ride in Disneyland sometimes."
"So what's my punishment?" whimpered the fat artist shaking, as his
mind filled with visions on boiling acid and hot pokers.
"Well you'll have to wear this blinking bow tie for the rest of your
quest. And while you're away, a family of Chinese peasants will live here
on your estate," said the divine messenger putting his bullhorn down for a
moment to fish out a bright green bow tie covered with blinking Christmas
lights.
Overhead, a cargo plane flew. Out from it fell a large wooden crate
covered with Chinese characters and pictures of exploding fireworks. A
parachute opened from the crate. It eventually came to rest on the garage
room where it broke open and out tumbled a wad of Chinese peasants in an
assortment of sizes and ages. They immediately began to babble gibberish
and inspect the house. The Hell Angels had stopped what they were doing to
observe these strange events, giving the Chinese peasants a wide berth and
coming over to where the artist and the messenger sat.
"I'm supposed to wear that thing?" asked Wilberforce open mouthed,
eyeing the merrily blinking bow tie. "That's not going to match any of my
clothes."
"Well this is supposed to be a punishment."
"What about the peasants?"
"I'll give you the number of the local immigration office as soon as
you deliver the goods."
"What goods?" asked on of the more sober Angels picking his teeth with
a dirty thumb nail. Trixie came and sat on Fred's lap. Fred looked at the
messenger.
"Oh, don't worry about her anymore. You've already fouled up on that
test, you might as well enjoy it while you can. Or should I turn her into a
toad?"
"No," said Fred, not quite understanding what was going on.
"Fred, you look very confused. Here let me explain it. It's very
simple. Now you slipped once, right? You're no longer celibate, right? And
now you've had your penance, right? So now you're clean and since we can't
really keep punishing you for the same thing over and over again you can
just keep up your sinful ways. You've already paid for that sin once. I
know it sounds contrary to what you've been taught, but I'm afraid with the
shoestring budge we're working on we can only punish you once for
something."
"What?" said everyone including the Hell's Angels.
"Now don't spread I told you around. It would ruin a lot of things."
"Spread what around?" asked an Angel scratching his head.
"Never mind. Just forget it. Fred, you have clearance from on high to
fool about with Trixie as much as you want. Okay, we'll leave it at that."
Fred smiled and then frowned and smiled again not know what to make of
what the messenger had just said. Trixie hugged him.
"Now about these goods?" started the leader.
"Gentlemen, didn't Fred tell you he was on a holy quest?"
"Yes," murmured a few. One fell over, too drunk to stand up any more.
"Well if I tell you what 'the goods' are you'll have to go on the holy
quest."
"Does that mean we'll have to carry Scooby Do lunch boxes?" asked one.
"And what's this celibate business?" asked another.
"Look, I'll tell you what. I think I can bend the rule a little. You
won't have to do any of the silly namby pamby holy stuff Fred here has to
do. All you'll have to do is go on this quest."
The angels looked at each other not knowing what to think. The divine
messenger stood up. "I think I'll give you a few hours to think over my
proposal. Remember you'll be putting your lives on the line, but it's a
worthy cause. It will give you a chance to redeem your souls and besides
you might make it into the papers. Well I'm off now to take a bath. Back in
a few hours." With that the messenger faded out of existence leaving a
large group of very bewildered people.
Just as soon as the messenger was completely gone there was a loud
rustling in the bushes and out stepped the man in top and tails. A smile
was on his face and he carried a battered brief case.
"Before you say yes to that fat head's offer, maybe you'd better
listen to mine."
{And so we end another chapter here. Chances are the reader might be
extremely confused at this point so let's try to deconfuse you.}
1) You have to be celibate to go on a holy quest.
2) Fred was not celibate. He had to do penance to atone for his sins
so his soul could be clean again.
3) Fred then could mess about as much as he wanted with Trixie because
he has already atoned for his sin and he could not be punished for the same
sin twice (Office policy. See heavenly memo #12985689496079584/W ).
Normally you get punished for sins in Hell if you haven't confessed them
and done penance for them before. A murderer or some other foul sinner
usually doesn't go to church so he gets punished in hell. He things he's
getting punished for very sin but actually he's only being punished once.
Now if he does managed to confess and such and get penance on earth he
really only has to do this once and then he can go about his business and
do it again without fear of tainting his soul. However, this proved not to
be very profitable for the churches so they spread the rumor that you had
to atone for each misdeed.
4) The divine messenger is sort of in charge of watching over Fred and
the Hell's angles so if he forgets to record a sin then they don't get
punished for it. That's how he can bend the rules.
5) Besides it makes the story a lot more interesting.
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1992 [Special thanks to Lulu for Proofreading.]
