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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 2 Issue 41
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 41
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Yes it's on time. Well more or less. I still have to put a couple finishing
touches on this monster, but it should be in the electronic void.
It's really amazing how the IGHF and Otis has kept pace with modern
technology. First they were on the internet, now they are on the portable
computer. Yes! I'm writing this introduction on a portable computer and I
happen to be sitting on the beach as I'm doing it in an oh so comfy lawn
chair, with the sea washing away in the background and little lizards
scampering all over the place as the sun sets.
Yes, we've come a long way haven't and in just 41 short issues. Hopefully
we'll have 41 more at least.
Meanwhile this will once again be sent to you by that VERY SLOW method.
I've worked a bit on the mailing programs that send it out slow. Hopefully,
this will be a bit less slow that last time. I take it from the lack of
complaints or comments that the system must have worked just fine.
It's that time again. Purps needs your submission! They've been
very slow lately. In fact I managed to use up all I had on this issue. How
is Purps supposed to come out in another two weeks without submissions! How
will Otis deal with those unfaithful readers who do not submit? Will they
have Brow over for tea. Well they incure the curse of the moldy loaf of
bread in the refrigerator, that no matter how many times you throw out is
back again the next time you open it? Well Pope Geophe and his routine of
extremely loud and obnoxious party guests come camp in your living room for
the next 1000 years?
It's easy enough to find out. Just don't submit anything. Remember Otis
takes care of her own. You submit you receive the blessings. You don't and
you may find yourself on the next across country flight trapped between a
fundamentalist minister and a Jehovah's Witness.
Okay enough scaring you. Purps seriously needs your submissions,
especially those of a truly Otisian nature. Maybe if purps comes out once
every two weeks or so for a while, folks will get back in the swing of
things. And maybe we'll even hear from the Pope again. Or the Rev or Stewy
or any number of those regular submitters for that matter. In fact where the
Hell has Spode been? (Oh most honorable and Great God Spode that is.)
This issue has a couple stories including one by the talented Danielle
Hammett who will be accepting fan mail at the HailOtis address, another
installment (better late than never) of the Messenger of the Gods, the
second part of Doc Simpson's translated text, and an Otisian rant from quite
a few years ago that was dug up from the archives. This rant of course
contains all manner of valuable information for young budding Otisians.
Special thanks this issue goes to Matt Greenwood who submitted tons and
tons of stuff to Purps. Sad to say most of it was a bit too long, or a bit
too old for inclusion. [Some of it I'd seen 5 or 6 years ago.] Also to
Danielle Hammett of course for setting a good example for all Otisians by
submitting something that actually mentioned Otis and Spode! And of course
the ever elusive Doc Simpson. Oh and Samhill and Eiverson just not to leave
anyone out.
And so on with the show.
####===================================================================####
POSTMODERNISM VS. CARTOONS
####===================================================================####
Subject: RICHH: Postmodernism vs. Cartoons
Date: Thu, 09 Jul 92 03:06:22 -0400
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
>From: richh@netcom.com (richh)
Subject: RICHH: CARTOONS VS POSTMODERN FICTION & CRITICISM
Date: Wed, 08 Jul 92 20:00:03 GMT
CARTOONS VS POSTMODERN FICTION & CRITICISM
------------------------------------------
POSTMODERN FICTION &
CARTOONS CRITICISM
-------------------- ------------------------------
Leaves one feeling warm Chyeah, right
and nostalgic, with a profound
sense of satisfaction and well-
being.
Celebrates play. Likes to think it celebrates
play, but actually is more
analogous to "explaining the
joke away" than anything else.
Today's cartoons suck moose. I'll take Coleridge and
Trilling over the Yale school
any day.
Foucault is dead. AIDS. Mel Blanc is dead. Age.
Barthes was a big eater. The Tasmanian Devil.
POSTMODERN FICTION &
CRITICISM CARTOONS
------------------------------ --------------------
"Metafiction," as practiced by I really like when you
Borges et al, is fiction that see the hand of the cartoonist
calls attention to itself, never holding the drawing pencil,
lets the reader forget that it or when the characters step
is artifice. outside the film.
Derrida will often use a word and It's also cool when you see
immediately cross it out to achieve the pencil swoop down and
a desired effect, a technique he erase the character. I especially
calls "sous rasure", meaning like when this happens to Daffy
'under erasure' Duck, and he becomes nothing
but his mouth(!!)
None of the works that have been The cartoons I like best, old
"deconstructed" have ceased to be Tom and Jerry's, Bugs Bunny,
vital works. For example, Derrida Daffy Duck et al, are still
deconstructed Freud. Yet Freud's around, and you can usually
writings are still out there, still find them during Cartoon
sending messages, still contributing Express from 6-7 on USA, or on TNT.
to our understanding of the mind, And Nickelodeon, of course.
and will y Rubble
Much deconstruction is spent "Be vewwwwy quiet."
searching for the ever-elusive
"trace"
Much deconstruction is spent "If he catches you you're through."
searching for the ever-elusive
"trace"
Barthes is my favorite post- "That Road Runner is really a
structuralist. crazy clown."
There is no universal signifier. My pencil is bigger than yours.
Phallocentricism is old news.
There are only mis-readings. Shit. The Flintstones are on.
####===================================================================####
AMUSEMENTS
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 19:19 -0500
From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD <ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU>
Subject: Amusements
Historic Philosophy Related Deaths
Socrates Substance Abuse
Plato DeFormation
Aristotle Plato Envy
Empedocles Bungee Jumping into a Volcano (we're not kidding)
Ockham Razor Burn
Bacon Wrong Chicken {the one that started this thread}
Descartes Stopped Thinking
Spinoza Inhaling Glass Shards
Nietzsche(sic) Syphillus (sic)
Camus Sisyphus
Wittgenstein Prostate Cancer
Schlick Shot by Student
Bill The Cat All of the Above
####===================================================================####
OTISIAN INITIATE RANTINGS
####===================================================================####
[This is an extract from one of the epistles which no doubt can be found in
the Popes extensive archives. Hopefully as time goes on more of these
illuminating fragments will come to light. Sometimes these fragments can
become extremely obscure as the writer discusses archain Otisian Dogma.]
Anyways, I couldn't help but notice there is an illustration of a MASONIC
CEREMONY labeled "Lee Harvey Oswald, dying, refuses to confess". It's part
of the CEREMONY when the initiate (forgive me for lacking some of the
specific details) represents the body of A. and they bury him and what not
after he was killed.
Hmm what did I deserve to become a SECOND LEVEL INITIATE? Or did this
documents just sort of slip out to me? I'm honored though. I didn't even
know I was A FIRST LEVEL. Then again I suppose WITH A SECRET SOCIETY ONE
NEVER KNOWS FOR SURE WHO IS WHO.
I see besides learning about Numerology on the second level one also learns
about Creiza seeing as you seem to have a BLATANT ERROR in your numerology.
Since when did 16 == four to the fourth power? Sixteen == two to the fourth
power. OR IS THIS SOME SECRET I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO MESS WITHOUT UNDERSTAND?
Have I accidentally stumbled upon some THIRD LEVEL OF INITIATION I should
never have thought about? Still these things happen I suppose. Messing
around with the Cabal and messing with computers all day gives one an
eyeball for mystical figures.
I suppose I should be a BLIND FOLLOWER and not question these things right?
Or I'll be cast into a DARK PIT.
Still maybe further exploration is necessary...let's see. DOBBS== 42.
Adam's answer to the universe. IS Dobbs THE ANSWER TO LIFE THE UNIVERSE AND
EVERYTHING? Yet again a clue to you being some kind of Frop Head FRONT.
[Another of course is that collage you sent me with the half phone
receivers that mysteriously look like PIPES.] 4 * 2 == 8 == 2 to the 3rd
power 2+ 3==5 Hmm affiliation with the &i&DISCORDIANS. 10 + 6 == 16 ==
6 -1 == 5 once again...Hmmmmm curiouser and curiouser.
Smiting the o from Bob gives b-b. b ==2 o==15 b ==2 15 == 5 + 5 + 5.
In other words. 3 5's and 2 2's 3+ 2== 5. Hmmm
Okay enough you get the point I suppose.
ELVIS...well what more can be said of the super entity. I see I have been
lied to since some time earlier I believe it was mentioned that ELVIS was
not a good thing and now here he appears as an avatar of OTIS.
o == 15 t==20 i==9 s==19 15 +20+ 9+ 19 == 63
As for the ERISIAN HERESY.....have you ever consider that they
needed to build no base to the pyramid because the LAW OF FIVES ITSELF
WAS THE BASE? Those Egyptians were SMART COOKIES they knew they needed no base
since it was the FIFTH SIDE and it would take care of itself.
Hmm there's that Cornelius being again...Oh odd. More myths. So LOTUS is a
great money making power.
L== 12 o==15 t==20 u==21 s==19 12 +15 +20 +21 +19== 77 Bob DObbs==61 77
- 61 == 16. As one will recall in your example on our second initiate fact
sheet 16 was a DOBBS number. Hmm a connection with DOBBS and LOTUS would
explain the tremendous money making potential of this deity.
As for the GREEK OTUS myth. Have you considered that storming heaven could
have been literal?. The ancient OTISIANS were trying to do space travel but
failed. They probably found some old THULE TECHNOLOGY lying around
somewhere but it was so old it didn't work right.
Are the stone FEZZES hollow? What do they contain if they are?
As for the reality projector. You explained that one to me some time ago so
I doubt we need to go into further details over it. Still it being part of
SECOND LEVEL MYSTICAL knowledge means that I might have been SECOND LEVEL
for some time now. How odd. Wheels within wheels.
####===================================================================####
MORE DIVERSIONS
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 19:37 -0500
From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD <ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU>
Subject: More Diversions
GORY, GORY
(a/k/a BLOOD UPON THE RISERS)
(Sing to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic")
He was just a rookie trooper and he surely shook with fright
As he checked all his equipment and made sure his pack was tight;
He had to sit and listen to those awful engines roar,
"You ain't gonna jump no more!"
CHORUS
Gory, Gory, what a helluva way to die!
Gory, Gory, what a helluva way to die!
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
II
"Is everybody happy?" asked the sergeant, looking up.
Our hero feebly answered "Yes," and then they stood him up;
He jumped right out into the blast, his static line unhooked,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
(CHORUS)
III
He counted long, he counted loud, he waited for the shock,
He felt the wind, he felt the cold, he felt the awful drop;
He pulled reserve, the silk spilled out and wrapped around his sock.
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
(CHORUS)
IV
The days he'd lived and loved and laughed kept running through his mind,
He thought about the girl back home, the one he left behind,
He thought about the medics and wondered what they'd find,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
(CHORUS)
V
The ambulance was on the spot, the jeeps were running wild,
The medics jumped and howled with glee, rolled up their sleeves and smiled,
For it had been a week or more since last a 'chute had failed.
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
(CHORUS)
VI
The lines were twisted round his neck, the connectors broke his dome,
The risers tied themselves in knots around each skinny bone;
The canopy became his shroud as he hurtled to the ground.
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
(CHORUS)
VII
He hit the ground, the sound was "splatt," the blood it spurted high.
His comrades, they were heard to say: "What a pretty way to die!"
He lay there rolling around in the welter of his gore,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
(CHORUS)
VIII
There was blood upon the risers, there was brains upon the 'chute,
Intestines were a-dangling from his paratrooper suit;
They picked him up still in his 'chute and poured him from his boots.
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
(CHORUS)
IX
They operated all night through but it was in despair,
For every bone that he possessed was ruined beyond repair;
And so he was buried then, his silken 'chute his shroud,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
(CHORUS)
X
They say he went to heaven and arriving there I'm told
He got a pair of silver boots and a parachute of gold;
He may be very happy there but I'll stick here below,
'Cos he ain't gonna jump no more.
####===================================================================####
SAM SPODE
####===================================================================####
[If you like this story send fan mail. Maybe you can get an answer out of
Danielle. Or write if you want more.]
SAM SPODE: PRIVATE EYE
#112--The Hand That Rocks the Cradle
by danielle hammett
"Sam, some dame's here ta see youse," snapped Laverne, my secretary,
through her mint flavored gum.
"Well, what does she want? I don't feel like female company," I
groused. It was my first day back in the office after a two day bender and
my mouth felt like something had crawled in there and died. My head was
pounding out my own funeral march and my teeth were fuzzy. I was not in
the best of moods.
"How should I know? Quite a dish, though, I do know that. And I know
how you like 'em. Blonde sophisticate..but too much eye makeup. Hey!
Maybe it's the Avon Lady."
"Oh, you're quite a card, you are, Vernie. Maybe you should be a
comedian instead of a lowly gal Friday."
"Aw, ya know I'd miss our witty banter, Sam."
"Show her in."
Vicky ducked out of my office.
"Hey, ya lucked out. Mr. Spode'll see youse."
"Thank you."
And then POW! The most luscious tomato I'd seen in my life walked in.
White blonde hair, big blue eyes (Laverne was right...she had kind of
overdone the warpaint) and soft red lips. Not to mention a body like Route
66...long and lean, but with curves in all the right places. Not that she
dressed to show it off. Nope, this dame was real class...gray tweed suit
with a skirt that reached mid-calf. Like Vicky had said, a "sophisticate".
Hell, maybe she WAS the Avon Lady.
"Mr. Spode?"
I realized I hadn't stood up when she walked in. My feet were still
up on my desk, next to the highball glass of raw eggs, tabasco sauce, black
pepper, and witch hazel which is my own little hangover recipe. I felt like
a heel, so I gestured for her to sit down in the cracked leather chair
opposite me.
"Thank you," she said, sitting down.
"Don't mind me, I'm just recovering from a bout with the flu,"I
explained, patting my stomach for emphasis.
"Yes, I see," she said, eyeing the three-quarters emptied bottle of
Wild Turkey by my telephone.
"Ahem. Well, what can I do ya for?"
She became alert, perching on the edge of her seat and clutching her
purse like it was gonna run away from her.
"Mr. Spode. I am a desperate woman. I've been told by people who
know that you're the only one who can help me..."
"Now hold on, Dollface. I don't know about that. There's the matter
of my fee-"
"Any amount of money you want, it's yours. There are other interests
besides mine who want this whole sordid episode behind them. I'm sure
they'll finance anything...anything! To ...to..." her voice cracked as
she stifled a sob. I dutifully pulled my wrinkled hanky from my jacket
pocket. The rumpled thing had seen better days but, darn it, so had she.
She took it, dabbing her blue eyes delicately.
"I promised myself I wouldn't do this..." she apologized.
"Now, come on," I tried clumsily to soothe her. "Turn off the
waterworks. It can't be as bad as all that. Now, try to pull yourself
together, and-" I was interrupted by a terrifically squishy honk, which
turned out to be Dollface blowing her nose.
"And...and..I'll uh.."I had lost my train of thought. "See what I can
do," I finished as she offered me the now soggy hanky. I shook my head no,
indicated the wastepaper basket next to my desk.
"Mr. Spode, I'm really terribly sorry about that little display..."
"So am I," I said, glancing at my ruined hanky, which had landed with
a SHPLOK! in my trashcan.
"I'm simply SO distressed, you can't imagine."
"Now, suppose we get down to basics," I said, trying to resume a
businesslike manner.
"Yes, of course. My name is Evelyn Astor. I've come to you to
recover a religious artifact...a STOLEN religious artifact."
"Humph. Somebody hoarked your crucifix. Tried calling your padre?"
"No...it's not a Christian relic."
"Your copy of the Koran? Your Torah? Your Book of Mormon?"
"Mr. Spode. The relic is OTISian."
I was floored. I knew at once why she had come to me...she must have
known about my great-grandfather Hiram Spode, High Priest of OTIS back
during the failed OTIS revival of the 1830's(see SAM SPODE:PRIVATE EYE
#4--O What a Tangled Web). She may even know of the rumored relation
between me and SPODE himself..though this had never actually been
confirmed.
"Mr. Spode..." she broke into my reverie,"how much do you know about
'Humpy the Stumpy Bear'?"
"Oh, just as much as any 2 year old child knows. She's the Ancient
Otisian Saint of Spiffyness."
"And do you know about the famous statue of Stumpy Bear?"
"Oh, sure..a little. Rumored to have certain curative
powers...specifically, the transformation of anyone coming in contact with
it into a person of good taste, values, and character."
"Now you're quoting the textbook passage. You mean, basically, a
'spiffy' person."
"Yeah, right..." slowly, the horrible truth dawned on me. "You don't
mean-"
"That's right, Mr. Spode. The Mighty Statue of Stumpy has been
stolen."
"But..how...why...?"
"Certainly, Mr. Spode, you can see the value of an ancient religious
object d'art which, besides its obvious aesthetic value-"
It WAS an incredible work of art.
"-also has the power to render tacky, tasteless people immediately
'spiffy'."
"Why, the demand would be enormous! Whoever possesses Stumpy-"
"Possesses a gold mine," she finished.
"But...but..." my mind was reeling like a bum high on a can of sterno.
"How? You may well ask. After all, it was, until recently, in the
supposedly safe hands of the Reverend John, respected member of Otisian
hierarchy."
"The Rev? Why, he's a pillar. A rock. He must've been in hot water
to have let Stumpy fall into the wrong hands. Did they threaten his
family? Shove bamboo shoots under his fingernails? Make him listen to
Liberace records?"
"Actually, Mr. Spode, he MAILED Stumpy to someone. Quite of his own
free will."
" MAILED one of the most important religious objects since the Shroud of
Turin to someone?? For God's sake, WHY?"
"Apparently, the person wanted to have his picture taken with Stumpy."
I expelled a grunt of air from my lungs in disgust.
"That was nearly a year ago. Since then, no one has seen Stumpy, nor
have any pictures been sent to Reverend John..the reward that was to follow
his sending the statue away. I should say, no one has seen Stumpy, save for
this mysterious 'shutterbug'."
"And no clue as to the whereabouts...?"
"Reverend John knew this man only by a nickname, and the PO box he
sent Stumpy to is now owned by someone else."
I was shaking my head, incredulous.
"Mr. Spode...will you help me?"
The question was tersely put, but she couldn't hide her emotions. I
noticed her lower lip quivering ever so slightly.
"Yeah," I finally said. "Yeah, I will."
But I'm not doin' this one for you, Dollface, I thought to myself.
And not even for you, "Bill", meaning the bill collectors who'd soon be
hounding me again if I didn't get my teeth into a nice juicy case. No,
sir. I was doin' this one for OTIS.
NEXT:
SAM SPODE: PRIVATE EYE
#113--A Bird in the Hand
####===================================================================####
AND STILL MORE WEIRDNESS
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 20:17 -0500
From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD <ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU>
Subject: Even MORE weirdness
Mathematics Glossary
Any student who ever sat or slept through a mathematics course knows that
certain words and phrases occur very frequently. This glossary might
eliminate some confusion.
When the instructor says He really means
------------------------ ---------------
trivial The student might be able to
do it in three hours or so.
simple An "A" student can do it in
a week or so.
easy This topic would make a good
master's thesis.
clear The instructor can do it
(he thinks).
obvious The instructor is sure it is
in his notes somewhere.
certainly The instructor saw one of his
instructors do it, but has
completely forgotten how it
was done.
left as an exercise The instructor lost his notes.
for the student
is well known The instructor heard that
someone once did it.
can be shown The instructor thinks it
might be true, but has no
idea how to prove it.
the diligent student It is an unsolved problem -
can show probably harder than
Fermat's Last Theorem.
----------
TRUSTY TRUISMS AND PRINCIPLES
SEGALS LAW : A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches
is never sure.
FINAGLE'S NEW LAWS OF INFORMATION :
(1) The information we have is not what we want
(2) The information we want is not what we need.
(3) The information we need is not available.
DAVID BRINKLEY'S OBSERVATION :
Stupidity is an almost sovereign force.
STRUP'S LAW :
The importance of any given news event on television is directly
proportionate to the amount of time remaining after the
commercials.
THE LAWS OF GARDENING :
(1) Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
(2) Fancy gizmos don't work.
(3) If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
(4) You get the most out of what you need the least.
THE OBSERVATIONS OF ARCHIMEDES G. BELL :
When a body is immersed in water --- the telephone rings.
THE CYNIC'S REFLECTION :
I'd be a pessimist, but it wouldn't work anyway.
KITMAN'S LAW :
Pure drivel on the TV screen tends to drive off ordinary drivel.
MARTHA'S MAXIM :
If you cast your bread upon the waters, it will return soggy.
COMB'S TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT :
(1) To err is human; to forgive is not our policy.
(2) A good manager makes the correct decision on the basis of
few or no facts.
(3) Never make a decision until the last possible moment ;
you may receive new information.
SOBEL'S LAW :
There's no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
FELDSTEIN'S LAW :
Never, ever, play leapfrog with a unicorn.
THE POSTMAN'S THEORY :
Everything in a plain brown wrapper is dirty.
THE LAW OF COMPARATIVE PLEASURE :
Sex : even when it's bad, it's good.
THE "ENOUGH ALREADY" LAW :
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
THE JUNK MAIL LAW :
The mailman bringeth and the trashman taketh away.
----------
[Of course we all know application for living in Kentucky is far less
regorous than applying even for the most basic of Otisian Initiations.]
A P P L I C A T I O N T O L I V E I N K E N T U C K Y
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NAME:___________________________ NICKNAME:__________________________________
CB HANDLE:______________________
ADDRESS:_________________________________ RFD#:_____________________________
DADDY: (If unknown, attach a list of suspects)______________________________
MAMA:___________________________ NECK SHADE: ( )Lt.Red ( )Med.Red ( )Dk.Red
Number of Teeth Shown In Full Grin: Upper:_____________ Lower:___________
Name of Pickup Owned:____________________ Height of Truck:__________________
Truck Equipped With:
( )Gun Rack ( )4-Wheel Drive ( )Confederate Flag ( )Eight Track
( )Load of Wood ( )Hijacker Shocks ( )Fuzz Buster ( )Toothpick Holder
( )Mud-Grip Tires ( )Spittoon ( )Mag Wheels ( )Dual CB Antenna
( )Raccoon Hide ( )Camper Top ( )Big Dog ( )Air Horns
( )Mud Flaps
Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:______________
Bumper Stickers:
( )Eat More Possum ( )Red Man Chewing Tobacco ( )Honk If You're Horney
Define the following (You must be 90% Correct):
1)Grits 6)Red Eye Gravy 11)Tote 16)Pinto Beans
2)Goobers 7)Sawmill Gravy 12)Poke 17)Cracker
3)Collards 8)Soppin Syrup 13)Tater 18)Turnip Salad
4)Side Meat 9)Cobbler 14)Pig Skins 19)Cord
5)Chitlins 10)Fatback 15)Ramps 20)Hillbilly
Favorite Vocals:
( )Donna Fargo ( )Conway Twitty ( )Hank Williams ( )Porter Waggoner
( )Loretta Lynn ( )Johnny Cash ( )Tammy Wynette ( )Slim Whitman
( )George Jones ( )Willie Nelson ( )Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
( )Square Dancin ( )Possum Huntin ( )Skinny Dippin ( )Drankin
( )Spittin Backy ( )Bull Chip Throwin( )Other
Weapons Owned:
( )Deer Rifle ( )Bird Gun ( )Varmit Rifle ( )Tire Iron
( )Pick Handle ( )Chain Saw ( )Log Chain
Number of Hound Dogs:______________
Type: ( )Blue Tick ( )Black & Tan ( )Beagle ( )Red Bone
Number of Dogs Named: Red:_____ Blue:_____ Beuford:_____ Barney:_____
Cap Emblem:
( )John Deere ( )Cat ( )Skoals ( )P S R
( )NAPA ( )Coors ( )Kentucky
Number of Weeks Unemployed:_______ Number of Welfare Checks Received:_______
Number of Dependents: Legal:______________ Claimed:________________
Club Memborships:
( )KKK ( )NRA ( )Moose ( )VFW
( )American Legion ( )PTL ( )Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
Length of Legs: Left:__________________ Right:__________________
Does your truck contain some part painted with the Official State Color of
Primer Red?_____________
How many cars/trucks do you have jacked up in your front yard?______________
How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front
porch?________________
Will you be a part of Kentucky Intelligentals with a measurable IQ?
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
Do you wear mostly double knit polyester with shag?
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
Do you own any shoes?_________ What year did you last purchase shoes?_________
Are you married to any of the following?
( )Sister ( )Cousin ( )Sow Do you know her name?_________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?__________ How much more?_________
Can you sign your name and get it right every time?
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
Have you stayed sober over a whole weekend?
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
Can you count past 10 with your shoes on?
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
Can you count past 21 with your fly up?
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
Medical Information: Do you have at least two of the following?
( )BO ( )Crabs ( )Head Lice ( )Scabbies
( )Trench Mouth ( )Runny Nose ( )Bad Breath
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
Have you ever taken more than one bath in the same week?
( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know
####===================================================================####
AN ANCIENT STORY PART TWO
####===================================================================####
[Here's the second part of that story Dr. Simpson has so generously
translated for us.]
And so Arani came before Lord Rhotos and the Eight Judges of the Dead. And
behold! The Eight Judges of the Dead snickered for Arani was without any
covering of any kind, but stern Lord Rhotos saw nothing funny about it.
And Arani demanded the Kingdom of Rhotos thusly, "Give to me thine kingdom,
O my brother."
And strong Rhotos, pitiless in heart, spake, "What dost thou take me for?
Nay, I shall not give it to thee nor any other." And the Eight Judges of
the Dead pronounced a sentence of death upon Arani. And Rhotos turned his
Eye upon Arani so that Arani shriveled up and became brown and dry like a
corpse and was hung upon a stake in the center of the court of Rhotos.
And a day did pass. And another day did pass. And yet another day did
pass. And though mortal men may doubt it, another day did pass. Verily,
in all, four days did pass.
Then, on the fourth day, Papsucker, Vizier of the Gods, did go unto the
court of the Gods and lamented thusly, "Woe unto us! For the pride of
Arani in desiring Lord Rhotos' kingdom, he has killed and hung Arani on a
stake in his court. Yea, verily, it has been four days."
And Lord Lotus did excuse himself, claiming that he heard his mother,
rich-haired Phuz, Goddess of soft slumber, calling him to their home on
Mount Sus. And Lord Spode did have an urgent sacrifice to attend. But
great Otis, Ruler of all life, spake thusly, "Verily, I say unto you, four
days is too long. I shall save Arani, my consort, from this dishonorable
fate."
And Otis created four beasts and they were called Vern, Vic, Vince, and
Vito. And Otis commanded Vern, Vic, Vince, and Vito thusly, "It has been
four days since my consort has disappeared into the Kingdom of Rhotos.
Take thee the Bread, Wine, Pasta, and Tomato Paste of Life and get thee
hence and return Arani unto me."
And so Vern, Vic, Vince, and Vito descended into the Kingdom of Rhotos and
gave the Bread, Wine, Pasta, and Tomato Paste of Life unto Arani. And lo!
Arani did arise. But the Eight Judges of the Dead were sorely wroth and
did demand a substitute to take the place of Arani.
And so, they went unto Mount Sus, unto the house of rich-haired Phuz,
Goddess of soft slumber, and her gentle son, Lord Lotus. And they called
for him to come out but he feared greatly and in no wise would leave the
safety of his gate.
And so, they went unto the temple of Spode on the island of
Glaspepgligerfnoszicewprat. And they called for him to come out but he
knew what was up and would not show himself unto them. Instead, he left
stealthily by a back gate and went unto the palace of Otis.
And when he had gone stealthily unto the palace of Otis, ruler of all life,
Spode spake unto him thusly, "Behold! Arani has taken the kingdom of
Rhotos away from him and returns in triumph. Even now Arani is choosing
who shall be the new owner of the kingdom of Rhotos."
And so, mighty Otis, ruler of all life, rushed out the door of the great
palace and made haste unto that place where Arani and the Eight Judges of
the Dead were. And Otis approached them and spake thusly, "Yea, verily,
thou must pick me, for I have deserved it!"
And so the Eight Judges of the Dead tore mighty Otis, ruler of all life,
into 8,000 pieces and scattered the 8,000 pieces across all of the earth.
And Arani grieved greatly. And Arani spent 44 days and 44 nights seeking
the bloody parts of Otis. And at the end of that time Arani re-assembled
the parts and discovered that the head was yet lacking.
And Arani sat down and grieved for the head of Otis was not to be found.
And Spode came upon Arani weeping over the body of Otis and Spode appeared
unto Arani as a god that had not been seen before. And Spode spake unto
Arani thusly "O Worshipful Divinity, why dust thou weep?" And Arani, not
knowing Spode for himself but thinking that this was some new god, spake
"For 44 days and 44 nights I have searched for the parts of my mate Otis
but nowhere in sky, in sea, or on land could I find the head of Otis."
And Spode spake unto Arani "Verily, I say unto you, do not be overcome by
grief, for I am a travelling God and I have seen the head of Otis flowing
down the river Imrana crying for Arani." And Arani was overcome with grief
and spake "Then the head of Otis is lost forever." And Spode spake unto
Arani "Nay, it is not so, for I saw where the head of Otis was washed up
upon the shore and was covered in sand." And Arani spake with great joy "I
am filled with great joy."
And they went unto the place that Spode had spoken of and behold, Spode dug
into the sand and retrieved a bloody piece of flesh. And Arani was filled
with great joy. And Spode placed the piece of flesh upon the body of Otis
and spake words of great power and Otis was raised up.
But Arani was filled with great sorrow and wept. And Arani spake "Bitter
is the cup you have poured for me, Strange God, for the piece of flesh was
not the head of Otis." Indeed, thusly it had come to pass, the piece of
flesh was a sexual organ. In this way Otis came to have both types of
sexual organs, both the male organs and the female organs, but there is no
head upon the divine shoulders of Otis.
####===================================================================####
BATTLING VAMPIRES
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1992 20:58 -0500
From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD <ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU>
Subject: VampFight/weirdness
Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1992 17:41:46 EST
From: Leonard T Roberts <ACC00LTR@UNCCVM.BITNET>
The following article was published in our local newspaper under the
title "Police break up 'Vampire' fight":
From wire reports
NEW YORK - First, it was alligators in the sewers. Now it's vampires in the
subways. And these vampires bite.
Police answering an "assault in progress" call at the East 53rd Street
station of the Lexington Avenue subway line at 5:10 a.m. EDT Saturday came
upon a scene too weird even for that time and place.
"We saw a crowd, and there were three women fighting with two people dressed
like Dracula," said Transit Police Officer Neil Hirsch. "We split them apart,
and the females claimed the vampires were beating them up, and one of them got
bit."
"It was really bizarre."
The black-clad brawlers in the ghastly makeup turned out to be a Queens
roofer and his girlfriend, who were heading home before dawn from a night of
clubhopping.
Transit Police spokesman Al O'Leary said the ersatz Draculas en-Count-ered the
women near the token booth.
The caped clubbers believed the women were men and there was "an exchange of
one-liners, then insults, which grew into a punch being thrown by the male
Dracula. Then he bit one woman on her arm," cops said.
The token clerk called for police, Police officers arrested Ron Varndel, 20,
and Kathleen Butler, 23, on a charge of third-degree assault. They were given
summonses and released.
One woman was treated for a bite on her arm, at Bellevue Hospital, and
released. One of her companions had a bruised nose.
"The joke going around here is, 'Were they arrested on a stakeout?" said
O'Leary.
"At first I was thinking, 'I wish I had a cross instead of a gun,'" said
Hirsch, 25, who has been patrolling subways for two years.
It's just one more thing the Democratic convention delegates can write
home about.
30
C.D.
####===================================================================####
IRON BALLS FOR HEALTH
####===================================================================####
From: ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (AjD)
Subject: Steel balls manual
Date: Sun, 12 Jul 92 21:08:36 GMT
"TEDDY" IRON BALL FOR HEALTH made in China
Iron Ball for Health is a traditional product renowned at home and
abroad for a long time. It can date from the Ming Dynasty (1368-1644).
Originally, the Iron Ball was a solid one, and afterwards it is
designed hollow with a sounding plate in it. Of a pair of balls, one
sounds high and the other low. The "Teddy" iron hollow ball for health
which imitated Jingtailan inherited and developed the ancient,
traditional handicrafts. It is bright -- colored, hard to wear ,either
a well work of art or a treasure necessary for the aged to build up
physical strength and remove diseases.
Function : According to the Chinese traditional medical theory of
"Jingluo"(jingluo refers to the main and collateral channels,regarded as
a network of passages,through which vital energy circulates and along
which the acupuncture points are distributed) , the ten fingers are
connected with the heart,that is to say,by means of jingluo the ten
fingers are connected with the cranial nerve and vital organs of the
human body,including heart,liver,spleen,lung,kidneys,gall,bladder,
stomach and intestines,etc. On plucking the iron balls with fingers,the
balls can stimulate the various acupuncture points on the hand,resulting
in the unimpededness of circulation of vital energy and blood in the
body. It can cause the jingluo (channels) unblocked and thorough, the
vital energy and blood to function in harmony,the muscles nimble,the
bones strong, the mind sober,can invigorate the circulation of blood,and
can prevent and cure hypertension and various chronic diseases. If you
keep on taking exercise everyday for months and years,you can get the
fine results of keeping your brain in good health with high intelligence
and good memory, relieving your fatigue,drowning your worries,and
moreover,prolonging your life.
Usage: When taking exercise,put two iron balls on your palm, crook
and stretch the five fingers in sequence to cause the balls to rotate
and revolve,either clockwise or counter -- clockwise. In so doing,all
the joints of the hand are always in motion ; and with the crooking and
stretching of the fingers,the forearm muscles are contracted and relaxed
harmonically. At first,you may select balls of small size for exercise;
and when skilled,you can select balls larger and larger in size.Your two
hands may practise in alternation,and three or four balls may be put on
the palm at the same time for showing a variety of figures.
Maintenance:The ball is made of metal. There is chromium, titanium
or Jingtailan were gilded covered the iron hollow ball to decorate which
should be kept dry and clean and prevented from violent collision.
AjD
the "teddy" logo is cute.
####===================================================================####
SweetTarts(TM)
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 92 20:30:31 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
From: dtasman@NMSU.Edu
Subject: SweetTarts (TM)
From: mikkelson@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes)
Subject: SweeTARTS
Date: 8 Jul 92 18:12:04 GMT
Having nothing better to do than to write annoying letters to various
companies, I recently dashed off a letter to Sunline Brands, the manufacturers
of SweeTARTS candy. Reproduced below are my letter and their response:
[ADDRESS DELETED]
Sunline Brands
Sunmark Inc.
St. Louis, MO 63111
Dear Sunline:
As I am allergic to most products containing salicylic acid, I
recently stopped by my local pharmacy in search of some aspirin-free
headache medicine. Your brightly-colored box caught my eye at the checkout
counter, so I decided to give your product a try. Although the price of
your product was quite reasonable, and I suffered none of the nasty side
effects I usually endure when I take aspirin-containing products, I am
sorry to have to report that I found "SweeTARTS" to be totally ineffective
as a pain reliever. Part of this failure may stem from the fact that your
box contains no dosage information. I initially tried one tablet every 4
to 6 hours, and when that dose proved ineffectual, I increased it to two
tablets for each 4 to 6 hour period. I reluctantly refrained from taking
any more tablets after I had ingested 8 of them in a 24-hour period, out of
fear of a possible overdose, even though my headache persisted unabated.
Either I did not follow the proper dosage, or the active ingredient in your
tablets has little effect on me. The label on the box does not
specifically mention which ingredients are the active ones, but as I have
not found artificial flavoring and coloring to be effective pain relievers
in the past, I am assuming the active ingredients are Dextrose and
Maltodextrin. I would be most interested in any information you could
provide to document the effectiveness of these chemicals in the temporary
relief of headache pain.
Regards,
________________________
David Mikkelson
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunline Brands
June 26, 1992
[address deleted]
Dear Mr. Mikkelson:
Thank you for your recent letter about our product. SweeTARTS(R) is a candy
product and is not an aspirin-free pain reliever.
It can be consumed in amounts normal with any candy. Dextrose is a sugar
derived from corn. Maltodextrin is a corn syrup solid. Neither ingredient
has any headache pain relieving claim.
Enclosed is a coupon good for any of Sunline Brands' candy products. We are
proud of the taste and quality of our products; please enjoy the candy.
Sincerely,
Tim Skouby
Quality Control Manager
####===================================================================####
DR. BRONNER'S ADVICE
####===================================================================####
From: ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (AjD)
Subject: Dr. bronner's medical advice and love poetry
Date: Fri, 17 Jul 92 01:59:13 GMT
"12th FROM DR. BRONNER'S PEPPERMINT OIL SOAP LABELS
"12th: Essene Birth-Controls prevent unraised-unemployable Birth! Instead,
God's Law prevents conception 100% below pH3. Essenes 400 years used
rosehips, pH2. Absolute clean, apply vaseline-oil-butter or cream. Insert
tsp. juicy lemon pulp, pH2. Next day douche with quart soapy water, pH8,
restoring pH5 balance God-made! Who else but God gave man this sensuous
passion! Love that can spark mere dust to life! Beauty in our Eternal
Father's fashion! Ecstasy far above Earthy greediness & strife! Poetry,
uniting All-One, brave, all life! Like a beacon breaking thru dark clouds
that pass, your deep embrace, your sensuous kiss! Who else but God can
make Love last 1 trillion years of sweet eternities! For when conquered
after years of toil, sweat, blood, Love can strike like greased lightning
sent by God, to spark mere dust to intense blazing fire & create new
Love-faith-hope-guts-strength, as only God inspire! Unite the whole Human
race in All-One-God-Faith, as all mankind desire! (Dr. Bronner's Almond
Soap Quarts teach 26 verses 'How to Love', unitied All-One above! Above!
Essene Scrolls $2 or 10 $10)."
AjD
shonen knife
####===================================================================####
YAK SHAVING DAY
####===================================================================####
From: Michael.Canode@f440.n226.z1.FIDONET.ORG (Michael Canode)
Subject: The Legend Of "Yak Shaving Day"
Date: Tue, 14 Jul 92 06:28:34 EST
I did a little research recently, trying to find out where "Yak Shaving Day"
really came from, and how the current customs of its celebration originated.
Here's what I discovered (mostly derived from the 1989 edition of the
"Encyclopaedia Tincannica"):
-----
The holiday of "Yak Shaving Day" (aside from its obvious connection with yaks
shaving) is more correctly identified as "Joek Schiven Day", in honor of the
historic Danish folk hero of the same name.
The story begins about 200 000 years ago, when the then-small village of
Copenhagen was ruled by the hated "Boegermeister" dynasty. The worst of the
lot was the forty-fifth Boegermeister, "Hans The Bellicose": who, aside from
his extreme bellicosity, was always fond of arbitrarily declaring things
illegal for the population at large, while maniacally guarding those same
things for himself.
Enter at this point, Joek Schiven: an artificer in metals with penchant for
inventing things, and a passion for liberty. While most of the people of
Copenhagen endured the rule of the Boegermeisters in silence, Joek Schiven
decided to take action, in the hope of arousing the populace to revolt.
Schiven's first action was taken when Hans The Bellicose declared that no
children under the age of five should be seen in public, while his wife would
proudly drive through town in the family haywain, with their quintuplets
riding in the rear.
Joek Schiven's response: He collected all the soiled diapers in town, broke
into the Boegermeister's castle and nailed them to the walls of the Great
Hall.
--
Hans The Bellicose was enraged at this affront, but was unable to find out who
the perpetrator was. This did not change his attitude, so he went on as
before. A few months later, Hans decreed that no garden in Copenhagen would
contain cabbage (excepting, of course, his own, with its 60-centimeter heads
of "Prussian Green Gold" cabbage).
Joek Schiven's response: He broke in the castle again, bringing with him a
barrel of mayonnaise. He cut up the cabbages, mixed them with the mayonnaise
and filled every pair of boots in the castle with the resulting mixture.
--
The Boegermeister was beginning to perceive that all was not well in his
domain, but still was unwilling to admit where the fault lied. It was at this
point, that the historians agree that Hans The Bellicose made his
quintessential mistake. He declared that Copenhagen would be free of pets. And
of course, there was that one exception: the Boegermeister's own prized
Carpathian Bearded Yak, housed in the royal stable.
Joek Schiven's response: He broke into the stable, took the yak out (who had
been treated badly by the Boegermeister, and was grateful to be walking on
grass for a change), put it in a logbark canoe and floated it down the Spum
River.
--
At that point, Hans The Bellicose had had enough. He resigned the
Boegermeisterhood, packed up his family and left town, hearing behind him the
cheers of the townspeople as they saw their hated monarch taking it on the
lam.
-----
Now: as to why that yak sails from bathroom to bathroom on his enchanted
canoe, there is a simple explanation.
The yak knows that one day it might meet Joek Schiven, the man who freed both
it and the village of Copenhagen... and it wants to look good should the
occasion arise.
####===================================================================####
PSALM OF BUSH
####===================================================================####
From: Lydia Fish <FISHLM%SNYBUFVA.BITNET@VM1.NoDak.EDU>
Subject: Election Year Folklore
Subject: President Bush
Psalm of Bush
Bush is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubt in the republican party.
He guideth me to the path of unemployment for the party's sake.
I do not fear evil for thou art against me.
Thou annointest my wages with freezes,
So that my expenses runneth over my income.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican party.
And I shall live in a rented house forever.
5,000 years ago Moses said, "Park your camel, pick up your shovel,
mount your ass, and I shall lead you to the promised land."
5,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovel,
sit on your ass, light up your Camel; this is the promised land."
Today Bush will tax your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass,
and tell you there is no promised land.
P.S. I'm glad that I am an American.
I'm glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a puppy,
And Bush was a tree.
####===================================================================####
DWI PENELTIES
####===================================================================####
From: ldoering@engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering)
Subject: Another urban legend spotted!
Date: Tue, 07 Jul 92 01:11:54 EDT
Methods Of Handling Drinking Drivers In Other Parts Of The World
[These seem relatively plausible.]
Norway: Twenty-one day prison term and from 1-10 years loss
of drivers's license.
Finland: Manual labor for one to six months.
USSR: Permanent loss of license.
[These seem slightly off the wall.]
Malaya: The drunk person is jailed. If he is married, his wife
is jailed also.
South Africa: Ten years in jail and $2,000 fine.
Turkey: Drunk person is taken 20 miles from home and made
to walk home.
[And, the ones you've all been waiting for...]
San Salvador [sic] EXECUTION BY FIRING SQUAD.
Country Unknown: Convicted driver is BRANDED on the forehead with a big A.
Feeling is that of the individual being unable to control
his intake of alcohol so they take the decision of his/her
drinking out of their hands. This country will punish
anybody caught giving or selling such an individual any
beverage containing "ethyl alcohol."
Now, "USSR" is excusable, since it's been less than a year. There hasn't
been a country called "Malaya" since the late 40's, though. I also find
it a bit peculiar that South Africa imposes a fine that equals exactly
$2,000 (it would be 5,600 Rand), and that Turkey makes drunk drivers
walk 32.18 kilometers home.
I've heard the bit about drunk drivers being shot in El Salvador before,
but the "Country Unknown" penalty is a new one. For sheer stupidity and
total lack of documentation, I'd say the Washtenaw County court system
deserves a big bouquet of Shergolds.
Larry "you won't catch *me* driving drunk in Country Unknown" Doering
####===================================================================####
FUTURE PREDICTIONS
####===================================================================####
From: mmm@cup.portal.com (Mark Robert Thorson)
Subject: Ordinary Life in the 21st Century
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 22:15:17 PDT
BEDS -- Bedrooms will disappear as the Murphy bed makes a comeback in the
form of a thin flat plate which folds down from the wall and expands into a
smart foam. It molds itself to your body, senses anatomical landmarks
which allow it to determine the position of all your bones, and applies
pressure to subtly push your skeleton into a position optimal for resting
each joint (especially the spine). It gradually moves your body around, to
rotate the pressure among the various positions your body can take.
Room-temperature superconducting SQUID magnetometers read your brainwaves,
and the bed produces an appropriate reaction. A dial on the side of the bed
allows you to adjust the "liveliness" of the bed, ranging from the
imperceptibly slow motion of "senior citizen mode" to the wild and crazy
"teenage wet dream mode".
CHRISTMAS TREES--As Christians become more and more ignorant of the
historical origins of their religion, Christmas and New Year's Day will
merge into a single holiday, the highlight of which will be the burning of
the Christmas tree. A really authentic traditional Christmas tree burning
will consist of igniting a dried-out pine sapling using high-wattage
incandescent bulbs or candles tied to the branches. The Red Devil
fireworks company will sell a complete ready-to-go Christmas tree for
people who would sacrifice a little authenticity in order to have a really
good pyrotechnic show. (As a salute to tradition, it comes in a box shaped
like a suburban house, which is consumed as the display runs its course.)
HEALTH FADS -- The next big fad will be zero-gauss chambers, i.e. mu-metal
cabinets designed to exclude all magnetic fields. All sorts of grand claims
will be made for these metal coffins which shield a person from
electromagnetic radiation. Some of these claims are real, but they are a
consequence of the way in which it acts as a sensory-deprivation chamber,
rather than any electromagnetic effect on the body.
MUSIC -- Continuing the trend toward minimalizing engagement of cerebral
cortical neurons, Rap music will be supplanted by Wap music, which
preserves the rhythm and percussion of Rap but dispenses with the semantic
content. The #1 Wap music song of the year 2000 is: AP AP AP KAP KAP KAP
KANG KANG KANG ANG ANG ANG. It is the hit song of the top-rated group
AEIOU.
SUBTRACTIVE DRUGS -- A new category of drugs will be molecules which bind
and inactivate organic molecules, much in the way that chelates bind to
inorganic molecules. By removing specific molecules, such as the brain
hormones released in response to stress, a whole new set of drug therapies
will be developed. Unlike the "additive" drugs we have today, which add a
substance to the chemical ecology of the body, these "subtractive" drugs
will have very few side effects, no overdose capability, and no tolerance
effect. They may, however, be addictive.
OLYMPIC GAMES -- Once it becomes possible to use nanomachines to build
human tissue indistinguishable from natural tissue, the Olympic committee
will have to surrender their taboos on human- enhancement technology.
Future Olympics will consist entirely of games which make direct neural
connection to the brain. Victory will go not to the largest muscles, but
to the finest-grained control, fastest reflexes, and most precise feedback.
The contestants will be evaluated in virtual reality, presenting identical
conditions of wind, track, etc. to each athlete.
PSYCHIC POWER -- Implanted receivers will allow people to sense and
interpret the electromagnetic fields produced by brainwaves in other
people's head, providing a form of psychic power. People with sufficient
familiarity with each other's brainwaves, such as a married couple, will
actually have a form of telepathy. This technology will be smoothly
integrated with New-Age belief systems, resulting in one or two generations
of very confused people.
CLOTHING -- Smart clothing will sense the thoughts of both the wearer and
people in the nearby vicinity. For example, if a flirtatious girl catches
the attention of a horny guy, the clothing will sense that and make
appropriate adjustments. If he mentally undresses her, she could suddenly
find herself wearing a skimpy bikini in public!
PSYCHOSURGERY -- Temporary and permanent lobotomies will be performed by
tiny remote-control valves injected into the blood stream, which lodge
themselves in cerebral arteries to slow or stop blood flow into selected
regions of the cerebral cortex. Initially used for psychiatric treatment
of criminals and the mentally disturbed, the technology will "leak out"
into the recreational drug mainstream. The principal abuse will be
destruction of certain thalmo-frontal tracts in order to create a permanent
state of euphoria. (If you don't believe this is possible, see
_Psychosurgery_ by Freeman and Watts, 2nd edition, Charles C. Thomas, 1950,
pg. 151-152. I disagree with the cause speculated in that text, and I
think the potential for this condition exists in all brains.)
SOCIAL SECURITY -- Because of the demographic size of the baby boom
generation and the raised political consciousness of that generation, they
will control the U.S. As they become eligible to receive Social Security
benefits (beginning around the turn of the century), Social Security will
become an even greater sacred cow than it is today. I know that is hard to
imagine, but it is inevitable. Government policy will enslave the
post-baby-boomers to finance Social Security.
####===================================================================####
MESSENGER OF THE GODS
####===================================================================####
[As you may recall in the last episode, our heroes were just about to face
certain doom by being married to a couple of horrible inbred girls who's
favorite past time was popping bubble packing.]
"Dearly Beloved--Better hold her up a bit straighter there Festus Jr. it is
her wedding day. Vasoline and Gasoline smile. Let's see those big beautiful
teeth of yours. Your husbands have really gotten quite a find-- we are
gathered here--" The preacher stopped abruptly as a fishing pool poked out
of thin air and knocked his hat off.
"You hoo!" yelled the voice of Elvis out of thin air. The Man in Black and I
looked at each other. Maybe we'd be saved. Several men, thinking fast, which
was amazing for such inbred brains, leapt forward and grabbed the pool and
pulled hard.
"Shoot! Let go!" cried Elvis as he suddenly got pulled out of thin air. A
rope was wrapped around his waist. His guitar was across his back.
Our captors gasped. The preacher dropped his bible.
"Elvis!" they all cried.
Elvis looked around bewilder for a moment and wiped his forehead with an old
gas station rag. He caught sight of us and smiled. "Howdy. I guess I got
luckily."
Several of the men dropped to their knees in awe. The preacher quickly
stooped to pickup his bible. Vasoline and Gasoline began to scream
uncontrollably like teenie boppers from the sixties. The Man in Black and I
cringed at the din. Hoping no one was looking Festus Jr. gave the woman in
the leather trenchcoat a grope.
"Uh what gives?" Elvis asked me. He scratched his head and adjusted the guitar
on his back.
"Can you get us back to the submarine?" I asked. Before the King of Rock and
Roll could reply he was jerked back sharply by the rope around his was.
"Doggone it Mabuto!" yelled Elvis clawing at the rope around his waist. I took
it as a sign that we could get back.
"Quick follow the rope!" I yelled. I grabbed hold of the rope that lead into
thin air. I tried to run forward using the rope as a handrail only to have my
way blocked by one of our faster thinking captors. He menaced me with a shot
gun. He grinned exposing rotten teeth that looked like tombstones in a grave
yard.
"Yuck!" yelled Elvis in horror as if he'd stepped in a pile of dog poo. I
turned to see what he'd yelled about to discover Gasoline and Vasoline
crawling all over him like out of control weasels. The Man in Black had
produced some sort of disposable handy wipe and was trying to scrub the
Vasoline drool off his face and lapels. The woman in the trench coat lay on
t
he floor in a ragdoll heap. Festus Jr. had abandoned her to prance around
Elvis like then angels are supposed to prance around God.
"Leggo! I'm the King dammit! I don't have to take this!" Hastily he unlumbered
his guitar and grabbed its neck like a club.
"Stop it!" yelled the mother. We all stopped. She had this forceful
motherness in her voice that caused us to instantly obey because of our
evolutionary programming. "Not one of you critters move!" she ordered
motioning for our captors to cover us. The priest was to one side on his
knees trying to pray and thumb through his bible for an exorcism ritual at
the same time. Vasoline and Gasoline looked at their mother with big puppy
dog eyes. Festus stopped his prancing and toed the woman in the woman in
the trench coat. She was out cold. Her face was swelled up where he's hit
her. I think some of her teeth were missing.
"Is you really Elvis? The King?" asked the mother of Vasoline and Gasoline
wagging a bony finger at Elvis who was still making faces at all the drool that
was on him. Slowly he lowered his guitar and tried to gather himself together.
He seemed to grow taller and more handsome.
"Yes ma'am. I am Elvis," said Elvis arch enemy of the AntiChrist striking
one of his classic poses and wiggling his hips. Vasoline and Gasoline
screamed and clutched at themselves.
The Mother unphased by Elvis' mesmerizing antics said: "Well then, you just go
with Vasoline and Gasoline into my bedroom and give us some of those Love
Children we are always hearing about."
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THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
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--Subink 1992
