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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 3 Issue 45
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 45
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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INTRO
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Oh here we go whacking together another sacred issue of Purps. Once again we
should welcome all those new folks who've joined up as of late.
Subscriptions continue to roll in. If you know of anyone who wants aboard
the amazing subscription list please send a message to
HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu.
Hmm lately there has been some confusion among the flock of OTIS in
regards to where one should ask for additional information besides here at
HailOtis.
If you are interested in getting a copy of the OTISIAN Directory or any
printed on Paper OTIS material ( OTIS knows there must be several cubic
yards of the stuff you could collect.) write to the address above. (Yeah
the Massachusetts Ave one.) Or, if you prefer contact with the Pope
Himself, at jstevens@world.std.com. He is the Pope, after all, so be polite.
I'm sure you'd brighten his day with a friendly note or two. If neither of
these sources give you satisfaction feel free to yell at the HailOtis
address and something can be worked out.
We continue to have problems here at my end. Oh well. It's mostly budget and
hardware things. Our laser printer is always on the fritz. If you know
anyone who is supposed to get paper copies of this please let them know
what is going on.
In the interests of not being publicly chastised in" High Weirdness by
E-mail" (write mporter@nyx.cs.du.edu if you want info) we're attempting to
get another purps out. That means a few things have been cut and others
simply got left out.
I am trying to shorten purps a tad. I've been getting complaints again that
it is too long. These come in the form of "It's took long to wade through"
or "The postmaster at my site is going to nail my hide to the side of the
student union building if you send me another huge purps."
Hmm what else. Oh we received a bunch of submissions relating to the past
election. Since that's over with those sorts of submissions seemed a tad
dated, so they were given the toss.
I do not know if I should encourage this type of behavior, but well... here
goes. We received Phirst Amendment Vol. 1 Issue #1 from
dlightma@nyx.cs.du.edu. This is some manner of electronic journal which
reminds me of Phrack for some reason. This one was pretty nifty. If you
want to know all about the american monetary system and where the masons
come in and that like get a copy of this. [There I did it.]
Anyways, on with the show
####===================================================================####
This Looks Like A Job For Engineers
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 92 11:03:24 EDT
From: Victor.E.Hill@williams.edu
To: hillv@vax001.kenyon.edu
Subject: The Whale
Subject: A whopper!
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 13:15:03 -0500
From: "William J. Lenhart" <lenhart@cs.williams.edu>
From: Duane A. Bailey <bailey@cs.utexas.edu>
(From: Phil Hirschhorn <PHIRSCHHORN@LUCY.WELLESLEY.EDU>)
A stress reliever:
(From the UW CS bulletin board)
I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a
reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that
washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass
was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory
that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large
objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not
making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking here
was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten
by sea gulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite
next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of
understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most
wonderful event in the history of the universe. First, you see, the whale
carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the
happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!". Then, suddenly, the crowd's
tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice
shouting "Here come pieces of... MY GOD!" Something smears the camera
lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly
gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell
everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a
quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale
sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the sea gulls,
who had no doubt permanently relocated in Brazil.
This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it
often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a
time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway division and ask
them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on
the US Capitol.
####===================================================================####
This is not Factsheet Five - Electric
####===================================================================####
Date: 30 Sep 92 19:36:05 EDT
From: Rodney Eric Griffith <71163.1600@CompuServe.COM>
Subject: This is not Factsheet Five - Electric
FactSheet Five was the zine of zines, the central clearinghouse of information
about the small press. Mike Gunderloy produced 44 issues of it before having
the decency to abdicate. There is a book in this, somewhere. Somebody should
write about it. Maybe Bob Black. There is a longish article in the Usenet
newsgroup alt.zines that describes one person's take on the final days of
Factsheet Five under the guidance of Mike. It's a lot like "The Final Days",
the Woodward & Bernstein book.
Hudson Luce took over, put out issue 45, and was similarly overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by the quantity of stuff, overwhelmed by life in general but
mostly overwhelmed by his unrelenting lack of ability. Well-meaning and
mean-spirited criticism forced him to rethink his hasty (and probably greedy)
ploy for instant celebrity/authority; Hudson has since bailed out of the
magazine business and a printed version of Factsheet Five, produced from a
central location, was no longer happening, as if it was ever "happening" in
the first place.
Q. Why *is* there no printed version of Factsheet Five?
Because each successive editorial clique is interested only in recreating
Gunderloy's mistakes; they want the bloated version of Factsheet Five. No
one believes that a 32pp. digest version of F5 is acceptable; everyone
believes that there is enough self-published material to sustain a 128
full-size magazine. There isn't. There never was.
Q. How can I get zines reviewed in Factsheet Five?
A. The quickest way is to become the new publisher of Factsheet Five. You
will receive 350 pounds of zines - most of which you will forward to the
next publisher of Factsheet Five, and so on. It's the most effective
method of distribution the marginals have ever come up with.
Q. Why did Factsheet Five die?
Factsheet Five collapsed under its own weight. By #44 at least 90% of its
contents were superfluous; irrelevant to anarchy/science
fiction/libertarianism/free thinking. The most obvious extraneous items:
Music reviews: unnecessary. Most "alternative" "music" "artists" blow dog;
anything good gets mentioned above ground.
Movie reviews: unnecessary. That F5's sole film reviewer was a whining Rex
Reed conservative is a disgrace.
Poetry reviews: Need not be segregated into a 10-page section that amounted to a
10-page celebration of the superficial.
Mail Art: See poetry reviews.
By this mere act of taste, we have already obliterated 40% of F5's critical
problems. The absence of Gunderloy's senility eliminates the other 60%.
Gunderloy's practise of not censoring any submitted hate literature, while in
a theoretical sense an admirable Nat Hentoff-on-NIGHTLINE sensibility, in
practical fact had a deathly effect: hate lit
(Nazi/Nationalist/Feminist/Republican etc.), which already had a circulation
in mainstream media, encouraged by its very presence "moderate" hate by way of
political "action" publications. Little Fascists were everywhere, spreading
Almost as bad was the encouragement of the deification of small press
publishing; that self-published material, regardless of quality (more often
than not in crass defiance of quality) had a divine right of way. This
editorial sycophancy served only to alienate otherwise readers who resented
paying exorbitant subscription fees to be serenaded by petulant diatribes by
snotty illiterates who'd long since over spent their 15 minutes of fame by
proselytizing a cause they'd sold out to.
So much for "Crosspolinization". The marginals gene pool has been polluted by
Gunderloy's senility, but not irrevocably. Taste and censorship are NOT
RELATED. But all anti-individualist bleatings by support group addicts are.
Thus the clever were penalized, while the bland were exalted. Factsheet Five
is history, and it will remain a tarnished relic of the 80s as long as it
remains in the hands of fawning idiots. Maybe the teenagers were right:
Gunderloy did betray them. Not by abandoning, but by being a mediocre
publisher/editor who did not know when - or what - to cut.
####===================================================================####
Emendations
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 05 Oct 1992 11:20:17 EDT
From: "and I know where to find you when the day is done...-Animal Logic"
<hillv@kenyon.edu>
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 92 10:53:01 EDT
From: Victor.E.Hill@williams.edu
Subject: Emendations
The following unfortunate passages in the RSV have been emended in the NRSV:
RSV: Zech 3:3 Now Joshua was standing before the angel, clothed in
filthy garments.
I guess someone forgot to send the angel costumes out for cleaning!
RSV: Ps 50:9 I will accept no bull from your house.
What can I say?
RSV: 2 Cor 11:25 Once I was stoned.
Oh, really?
####===================================================================####
Kitty's Day
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 16:47 HKT
From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk
Subject: Identity neutered to protect the Kitty...
Kitty gets up this morning because the wefwigewator man is coming wif the
new wefwigewator. Kitty can't say "refrigerator" any more because she saw
the "Dinosaurs"'s "Refrigerator Day" episode one to many times.
The refrigerator is the last thing in the kitchen remodeling, at least
officially. There are still no new chairs for the breakfast table, and, of
course, when they put in the new cabinets and counters, they didn't hook
anything back up right, so the microwave and the disposal are on the
fritz.
Kitty's trying to organize a garage sale and needs to put an ad in the
newspaper today and get a job application and cover letter in the mail...
So, of course, as soon as she stops waiting for the refrigerator man to
call and starts working on her application, he shows up, no phone call.
Kitty rushes to get everything out of the freezer in the old 'fwigewator,
and then puts it all back in the new freezer in the new 'fwigewator. Then
mom calls to find out if Kitty got the ad written, and Kitty has to run to
the mailbox with her application.
Kitty writes the ad and moves some of the stuff that WAS in the old fridge,
and SHOULD be in the new fridge, but is presently in the THIRD fridge,
which is out in the utility room. Kitty tries to call mom back, but she's
busy. Kitty gives up on the kitchen and the ad and makes a turkey pot pie
in the oven which at one point had something burned in it, so it smells
funny and drops what Kitty is certain is carcinogenic ash on everything she
tries to cook in it (and of course, she'd use the microwave, but it's
broken...)
Kitty goes into the office to read mail and wait for the pot pie, but gets
distracted by having to kill a yellowjacket, a horsefly, and eight or nine
houseflies that came in with the refrigerator. Kitty runs around the
sunroom bashing insect brains out with a "1991 Weekly Executive Planner"
much to the bemusement of the schnauzer still on his chain outside.
Projection: Kitty's mom comes home at 7:30 and exclaims what a mess the
house is in, and how Kitty doesn't do anything all day.
####===================================================================####
Political Anagrams
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1992 10:08 HKT
From: <LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk>
Subject: some political anagrams from the net - most amusing!
The following are anagrams of "Democratic National Convention" and
"Republican National Convention". They are to go along with such
wonderful political anagrams as "Ronald Wilson Reagan" -> "Insane
Anglo Warlord" and, better yet, "George Herbert Walker Bush" -> "Huge
Berserk Rebel Warthog"! :-)
Democratic National Convention
- ------------------------------
Top ten:
America voted Clinton? No, I cannot!
Item: Advance Clinton coronation
Clinton nomination: Accord at eve
Clinton: "Act on American devotion"
Control, damn it, conceive a nation
Conceal at contrived nomination
American continent: cold ovation
Viet Nam, Tornado, Cocaine, Clinton
Election condition: Vacant manor
Dominator can't contain violence
Republican National Convention
- ------------------------------
Top ten:
Puritanical ban on innocent love
Continual privation can ennoble
Can learn potato noun? Invincible!
Cannot balance virulent opinion
Unconventional noble patrician
Clinton convention: plebeian aura
An inconvenient clan, a Politburo
Innocence until naval probation
Plain notion: binuclear covenant
Pollution ban: inane contrivance
Democratic National Convention
- ------------------------------
Honorable mention:
Clinton contortion; evade maniac
Clinton nomination; vacate credo
Concentration on vital comedian
Clinton: Condemnation to avarice
Clinton vocation: Erotica and men
Covet arcane Clinton admonition
A violent, narcotic condemnation
Republican National Convention
- ------------------------------
Second tier:
Announce bill veto; nation in crap
Announce vibrant, online capitol
Bonn (noun): (1) capitol; (2) evil incarnate
Uncap cannon; violent liberation
A craven taunt: penicillin no boon
Clinton evaporation; ennui blanc
Ballet, union, nirvana, conception
Burn no inane political covenant
Violence burnt on; national panic
Uncap ban: colonial intervention
Almost as good:
Obtain an epic: "Clinton lover a nun"
Concentration on unlivable pain
Conventional lunatic brain? Nope!
Valiant concubine; online patron
Continual probation can enliven
Violent cannibal, piano nocturne
Conviction plan: alienate unborn
Blunt an inane conviction, parole
Innocent love-rub; national panic
Avert Clinton; unbalance opinion
Martin Farach
####===================================================================####
Sex With Aliens
####===================================================================####
From: mcnair@slab.unt.edu
Subject: SEX with aliens
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 21:59:08 GMT
I recently had sex with an alien. The alien in question lives in my
room. He is yurple in color (yellow with purple polkadots) and he emanates
facts at me. For example, I know that he is from the planet xenon, and is
rather small for his age. (600 yrs) He is just an adolescent, as this species
of animal (or I should say, alien intelligence) lives to be four thousand
years of age. He weighs about ninety pounds. (I carried him to the scale) He
doesn't come in any particular shape, he merely takes on the shape of his
environment. (He can change shape at will) He doesn't seem to have many
bones, just a jaw with sharp teeth. He likes to eat, on occasion. (about
every two weeks he polishes off an entire jar of of peanut butter. He seems
to prefer creamy Jif as opposed to crunchy.)
The strange thing about this alien, other than the fact that he usually
hangs out with me all the time, is that he is empathetic to all my desires,
and that he is a doppleganger. For example, last night, I saw a television
show that was all about me! It was a news show, and the newscasters kept
saying things when I wasn't listening clearly about things I'd been doing,
reporting secretly to the rest of the population about what I'd been up to!
Then, during a commercial, the women started screaming about Tater Tots (tm)
and a few Radioactive Tater Tots (tm) fell on the rug! It was then that I
got some sexual feelings for a woman that I saw in the hospital earlier
today. Then, the yurple (that's what I call him) changed into the woman I
was seeing earlier, and we had sex. The odd thing about is that the yurple,
I think, I'm not sure, bit off my penis and swallowed it! It grew back the
next day, but now I'm not sure what to do about the yurple.
Gumby
####===================================================================####
On the "Job" with the Pope
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 22:06:24 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
[stuff deleted]
Just got back from a three day "job" escorting a Japanese travel writer
(Globetrotter, natch) around the state. She wanted to mail a package, so
we hightailed it to the nearest post office. It happened to be in
Williamstown.
They still remember me there. I walk in with this woman I'm trying very
hard to look professional for and the guy behind the counter says:
"Oh, look! The Fruitcake!"
and someone in the back says:
"Hail OTIS!"
I explained it away as a "religious thing". With a straight face even.
She thinks Americans are weird anyway.
j.
####===================================================================####
Actor Plays Part Too Realistically
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 17 Oct 1992 14:51:07 EDT
From: "Too many puppies..." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subject: humor
From: MX%"hcresnic@midway.uchicago.edu" 17-OCT-1992 14:46:18.02
Subj: 'Round Midnight
[headers deleted]
Neat story about the French film of the same name starring Dexter
Gordon. Mr. Gordon was up for best actor at the Cannes film Festival (and he
probably would have won, too) except for the fact that he was disqualified.
Seems the nominating committee thought that a jazz saxophonist playing a jazz
saxophonist wasn't _acting_ per se.... Even though he wasn't playing himself.
Yeah, but what do the French know....
####===================================================================####
The Truth Behind Ren and Stimpy
####===================================================================####
[In case you've been following the great Ren and Stimpy crisis here's
the official poop from the Pope]
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1992 22:41:19 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: Re: R&S Clash: The Latest
On 21 Oct 1992, Rodney Eric Griffith wrote:
> Thought you might like to be apprised.
>
> Rodney
>
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
> Billy West -- the voice of "Stimpy" -- was on WBCN in Boston this morning
> talking about the happenings at R&S. He claimed that John K. and Nick had a
> falling out solely about the content of the cartoons, which Nick apparently
> had second thoughts about broadcasting (they approved the storyboards, but
> when they actually saw the shows they thought differently). According to
> West, two shows were actually pulled after being queued up for broadcast. John
> K. and Nick had a major falling out after that, and the decision was made to
> have Nick run the show, with John K. remaining in a consultant role (a la Matt
> Groening and "The Simpsons") and do Ren's voice. However, West said that Nick
> decided it was better to make a clean cut, and West also said that John K
> agreed, and is anxious to go on to other things.
>
> I have no idea how much of this is damage control, but there you have it from
> the cat's mouth!
>
> [reported by Steve Sanger on CompuServe]
>
Well, that's it. Quite possibly the end of Ren and Stimpy as we know
them. Sniff.
I'll miss those Shaven Yak Day celebrating, fez wearing, OTIS worshipping guys.
The good news, of course, is that we here at the House have most of the
upper level staff of Nickelodeon in our back pockets. Have had for a
number of years. Hell, we had to do something when MTV started
broadcasting all that Subweenie propaganda. Buying out their children's
network division and initiating its management into the Elder Knights of
OTIS made a lot of sense at the time.
Don't look at me that way. Surely you don't think Nick at Night was THEIR
idea.
O.K. I guess a quick review of the facts is in order.
Mid 1988 YOC (Year of the Carpenter) (I think; my dates aren't very good,
and they don't think much of me either ba doom doom, it might have been
1989): MTV starts running free ads for the fropheads.
Mid 1988: A worried Pope Jephe decides the free publicity the
fropheads are getting amounts to a slap in the face. Regrets the comment
he made to MTV producer about his mother at dinner party in 1984.
End of 1988: MTV calls for veiwer produced video to be shown late at
night. Pope Jephe calls on all loyal OTISians to send in clips promoting
their chosen faith. Loyal OTISians look at floor and shuffle shoes. Some
remember pressing engagements in New Mexico. Some respond to his request.
Among them Dr. Scott Simpson, DD. His fifteen minute rant against B-B" is
never aired. MTV in fact, airs nothing at all.
End of 1988: On advice from Preacher Tim Pope Jephe takes advantages of a
spate of firings at Nickelodeon (controlled by MTV) to put his own people
in. Scott Simpson attempts to get a job with MTV. Fails. Nick
placements are successful.
Slightly later: Campaign starts. A convoluted rant by Tim in the OD ends
with these words:
"And what, in the final analysis, could be more interesting that
broadcasting people chewing taffy 24 hours a day?
"Just one channel of course, all the rest could be Nickelodeon."-- Preacher
Tim Howland of the House of Blue Light.
Dr. Simpson damns a frophead publication in the same issue for ragging on
"The Dick Van Dyke Show". Two weeks later Nick adds the show to its new
"Nick at night" line up. No one gets suspicious.
1991: A crop of strange new cartoons appears on Nick. While "Rug Rats"
and "Doug" have obvious OTISian overtones, "Ren & Stimpy" with its fezes
and Yak jokes is not at all subtle about the dogma it espouses. After a
run of a few weeks, MTV starts airing R&S itself. A VJ appears sporting
proudly an R&S tee-shirt. Pope Jephe laughs all the way to the bank.
####===================================================================####
Masked Radical Seeks Office
####===================================================================####
From: holt_c@cubldr.colorado.edu
Subject: Interesting article
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1992 17:35:22 GMT
Article taken from the Campus Press, C.U.'s campus newspaper:
Masked Radical Seeks Office
By Michael Noe
Campus Press Staff Writer
A Masked man is mounting a campaign to "control and dominate" the
students of C.U., but he needs their support to do it.
Brandon Panzram, a senior philosophy and business major, is running
for one of five open positions as representative-at-large in the student
government Legislative Council.
Panzram (a false name) said he and 24 other members of his
"Mediocre Party" plan to unify and strengthen the student body by forcing
students to join their party or get "thrown out on some ridiculous charge."
"We will be able to manage larger-based control and domination from
the council," he said.
Panzram said he supports diversity and change, as the rest of the
candidates do. To ensure diversity, he said he wants to take people from
different segments of society and "corral them" to address their concerns
and problems.
Panzram said he wants to rid the campus of the business school and
art school.
His campaign flier asks, "are you in a band? Do you paint? You're
an artist?
"Art, along with God and culture, is dead. Creativity cannot be
taught, or even 'harnessed' as the pathetic art failures which teach it
will argue," the flier states.
He said he is using the spectacle of a false name and secret
identity to take over and dominate the media and eventually take control of
the student union.
Panzram said he would use the Imig Music building for blackjack
tables, since he advocates on-campus gambling. He would also use the
Sibell Wolle Fine Arts building for offices to retrain students who
"believe what they see and hear."
Other issues Panzram supports are:
- Declaring Tuesday Environmental Havoc Day.
- Declaring Thursday Vandalism Day.
- Requiring an all-school uniform. All students would be required to
wear "clean, pressed, logo-enhanced sexually androgynous work suits.
- Offering classes on how to maximize the efficiency of gun and drug
use.
####===================================================================####
From the Mouth of Babes
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 92 20:50:13 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: [awerling%nmsu.edu: Even a four year old knows (fwd)]
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1992 14:03:02 -0600
From: "(Victoria L Boyd PhD)" <boyd@ANSJEM.ANES.TULANE.EDU>
Subject: Even a four year old knows
Last week my daughter's day care center was decorating for Halloween. They
made ghosts and jack-o-lanterns. One of the other projects was, for lack
of a better phrase, a tombstone for a scary person. Each child was to make
a tombstone for a scary person. While most children picked fictional
characters (like Shredder, Cruella deVil, and Captain Hook) my daughter
picked George Bush. Her's read:
Here lies George Bush
He needed to think of something to do.
Out of the mouths of babes.
####===================================================================####
Dedicated Voters
####===================================================================####
[Let this serve as a message to you all. Otis expects this kind of
dedication out of you.]
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 92 12:39:23 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: [zursch@whizkid.wpd.sgi.com: Now *that's* dedication!]
From: zursch@whizkid.wpd.sgi.com (Captain Coffee)
Subject: Now *that's* dedication!
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1992 17:28:01 GMT
HOUSTON (UPI) -- A 74-year-old heart patient from Kerrville, Texas,
refused to come to Houston for treatment until an ambulance driver
agreed to help him fill out an early election ballot for Bill Clinton.
George Dodd, who remained in fair condition Tuesday at a Houston
cardiac unit, last week told his wife, ``Keep me alive until I can cast
my vote...I'm not leaving until I vote for Bill Clinton. I am not going
to die until I vote Democratic.''
Dodd was hospitalized in Kerrville Oct. 12 with a severe heart
condition, and doctors decided to send him to Houston for treatment.
However, the retired doctor said he wanted to cast his ballot for the
Democratic presidential candidate before transferring out-of-town.
Dodd's wife, Reba, said a poll worker in Kerrville agreed to take a
ballot to the ambulance on Oct. 13 if Dodd could get the driver to stop
outside the city auditorium where early voting was taking place.
The nurse at Kerrville's Sid Peterson Hospital called for the
ambulance and related the detour request, which the driver honored.
####===================================================================####
A Major Misunderstanding
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1992 17:24:57 EST
From: "Seventeenth century Massachusetts is seen as a land of witches and
kill-joys, whose only virtue lay in their furniture.-E.S.M."
<hillv@kenyon.edu>
From: KENYON::COMUS "EFFICIENCY IS A HIGHLY DEVELOPED FORM OF LAZINESS
" 27-OCT-1992 15:32:16.81
Subj: message from a friend of mine. Thought you might enjoy it...
From: MX%"chris@TC.Cornell.EDU" 27-OCT-1992 14:47:11.34
Subj: I thought this was funny...
Talk about a major misunderstanding !!!!!!!
I read this today in the Durham Fish Wrap (Herald).
(Unknown Wire Service Report)
A USAIR employee, Mr. Gay, took advantage of USAIR's free travel benefit
and booked a flight. When he boarded the plane, a paying customer was
already in his assigned seat, so he took another empty seat instead.
It turns out that the flight was over-booked and a USAIR ticket agent was
asked to bump any non-paying customers. The ticket agent went to the seat
originally assigned to the USAIR employee and said to the person in the
seat, "are you Gay?". The paying customer replied after a brief pause -
"uh,... yes". The ticket agent then said, "I sorry, you're going to have
to get off this plane." Over-hearing this, Mr. Gay stood up and said,
"There's been some mistake, I'm Gay." Another passenger stood up and said
"I'm gay too. Are you going to throw me off too?"
Somehow they sorted out the misunderstanding. Mr. Gay de-planed and the
flight got underway.
####===================================================================####
A Deeply Religious Tale Chapter Seven
####===================================================================####
(((((((((((((((((Chapter Seven ))))))))))))))))))))
{As you last recall, things got very confusing when the divine
messenger tried to explain to Wilberforce the politics of Heaven and Hell
and how sinners are punished. After telling everyone involved if they
wanted to know what they were questing after they would have to join up on
the quest the messenger had gone off to take a bath and to give the group
time to consider his offer.
Meanwhile, Wilberforce had put on his merrily blinking bow tie which
made all the Angels laugh. Also, he pulled out the remains of his hair when
the Chinese peasants who had taken up residence in his house stabled their
yak in the living room and then used it to plow up most of the back yard
for a rice paddy.
Also at this time, the mysterious agent from Hell had stepped out of
the bushes to make the group an offer.}
"Roll up! Roll up! Have I got an offer for you. For just your meager
soul we'll fulfill your every desire. Just sign this piece of paper and
we'll give you everything you've ever wanted," cried the little man in dark
Italian sun glasses, waving a handful of number two pencils and some mark
sense forms.
Several of the Hell's Angels immediately succumbed to his sales pitch
and began to fill out the forms.
"What are you, a bunch of chickens? You want to on a quest with that
fat slug or do you want Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll? Yes! I'll fulfill
your every desire no matter what it is. Just sign over your soul to me and
don't go on that wild goose chase of a quest."
Several more filtered over. The man seemed to possess some hypnotic
power. Everyone in the general area could feel themselves succumbing
to his obnoxious and loud sales pitch, except of course for the Chinese
peasants who didn't understand english and were having too much trouble with
their stubborn yak to pay much attention to anything else.
Something inside Wilberforce told him to do something. This was wrong
and evil. These poor bikers would go straight to Hell and never get out. It
was so horrible, he stuttered. Trixie looked to him for guidance.
"Don't listen to that fool. You'll only lose in the end," said
Wilberforce in a weak voice that didn't seem to be his own.
"But, Fred we could sell our souls together. Just think of all the fun
we could have," she said, taking his arm and leading him toward the man who
was busily passing out forms to most of the Hell's Angels except to the
ones who had passed out or were too spaced out to pay any attention.
"No I've got to go on this quest." said Wilberforce in a slightly
stronger voice fingering his flashing bow tie.
"If you sign on with us you can get rid of that silly bow tie,"
pointed out the agent from Hell.
Suddenly Trixie said, "If you don't sign your soul I'll do it all by
myself, you fat slug!" Fred was flabbergasted. Trixie seemed to have
completely changed. Something was controlling her mind and he knew what
it was. This galvanized the overweight artist into action. Quickly he took
a few steps forward and then swung his beefy leg, kicking the surprised man
from Hell in the groin. The man in top and tail turned a shade of green and
fell over curling up like a dried leaf.
The spell seemed to have been broken. Trixie threw her arms around
Fred and the other Hell's Angels shook their heads as if shaking something
off. However, almost half of them had already signed over their souls.
Some were happy about it while others moaned in fear.
After a few minutes of silence(except for the peasants noisily plowing
the back yard) the agent from Hell managed to get to his knees. "You'll pay
for this Wilberforce!" He gasped, and then with a gesture he and those who
had signed over their souls disappeared.
####===================================================================####
McDonnell Douglas warranty card
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1992 15:48 EST
From: SBI-Submarine Pens <BARKER@ACC.FAU.EDU>
Date: Mon, 2 Nov 92 10:26:52 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Date: Mon, 2 Nov 92 08:46:11 MST
From: owhite%NMSU.Edu
Subject: McDonnell Douglas warranty card
M M DDDD ll ll
MM MM D D l l
M M M M D D l l
M M M ccc D D ooo n nn n nn eee l l
M M c D D o o nn n nn n e e l l
M M c D D o o n n n n eeeee l l
M M c D D o o n n n n e l l
M M ccc DDDD ooo n n n n eee lll lll
DDDD ll
D D l
D D l aaa
D D ooo u u ggg l a ssss
D D o o u u g g l aa a s
D D o o u u g g l a aa sss
D D o o u uu g gg l a a s
DDDD ooo uu u gg g lll aaa a ssss
g
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AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
Important! Important!
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________
Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________
Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified
3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________
4. Serial Number____________________
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:
Product Own Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
that apply:
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check
12. Occupation You Your Spouse
Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student
13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500
####===================================================================####
A New Game
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 13:09:22 EST
From: "We generally achieve what we aim for.--Thoreau" <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subject: amusement in November (just what we all need)
From: MX%"Victor.E.Hill@williams.edu" 10-NOV-1992 08:33:55.56
Subj: Amusement
> A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
> on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
> game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
> pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
> along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
> heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
> around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
> direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
> paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
> colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
> fall over gently onto their backs.
> -- Audobon Society Magazine
####===================================================================####
Strange But True
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 92 00:04:59 EDT
From: Debbie of the Ohio Otisians <DCANALE@Kentvm.Kent.edu>
Subject: Re: Purps 44 at last!
Some wacky but true stories for the next issue.
In Gilroy, Calif., police are still baffled over a burglar who broke into
a home and stole a set of curtains--then hung new ones. The fussy burglar
also made the bed, dumped the trash, placed laundry in the hamper and
washed the dishes.
A football fanatic in Jonesboro, Ga, finished watching the Super Bowl before
calling police to tell them that his wife had committed suicide.
A case closed by Crown Point, Ind., police as a suicide was ordered reopened
after a coroner disagreed with the cops' conclusion that the victim had done
himself in...by bashing his own skull 32 times with a hammer.
From a book called "Refried News" Hope your life has settled down some.
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
-1992 Subink [Special Thanks to Lulu for Proofreading]
