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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 3 Issue 52
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 52
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"Two years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Another intro, and I'm all shagged out from answering the Tilton question.
Still I'll forge ahead I hope.
This issue of Purps, late as usual, should have some interesting bits of
Otisian knowledge, sad to say no real concrete answers like issue 50, but
it should still entertain. We've got the next long awaited installment of
Papal Ponderings along with a story from the archives of Doc Simpson.
Progress is slowly being made on hardware here at Purps. We should have two
nodes on the internet in a month or so. Right now we are toying with the
idea of setting up a mud. Any suggestions or input on this would strongly
be appreciated.
For those of you who have been keeping track, the Otisian Directory should
be out soon now. It might even be out now. Send the Pope a note and
I'm sure he can fill you in. It's more than well worth getting.
Also out is "The Unspeakable Oath" number 8/9 which is perhaps the best one
to day. If you like H. P. Lovecraft or Call of Cthulhu you should see about
getting yourself a copy. As a bonus, this issue has OTIS in it. Yes real
honest to God Otis. It also has a lot of funny and serious stuff. Once I
picked it up I couldn't put it down. It has one of the best letter's
sections I've seen in a magazine and the word of Rev John are always
entertaining and enlightening. Every time I pick up a copy of TUO I'm
amazing with it. It bloomed out of nowhere and from the first issue, it
just keeps getting better and better. (Yes this is a HIGHLY RECOMMEDED
artifact to have.)Send mail to paganpub@aol.com and they give you info on
obtaining a copy.
Finally I've been being bombard by information about a Phn0rd list. See
below for the plug on it.
Again, thanks for all the submissions I've received. As I've told some of
you, it may take an issue or two before they appear. Please keep them
coming along. Without them Purps could up and die, or the reads could get
1000 lines of Mal babbling to himself instead of quality material.
####===================================================================####
Phn0rd List
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 10 Jul 1993 14:47:13 -0400
From: "Phn0rdServer 2.03b" <phn0rd-request@STUDENT.UMASS.EDU>
Subject: Phn0rdList.Help - Phn0rdWorx
The Phn0rdServer 2.03b
----------------------
How-to-Use... How-to-Abuse... And How-to-Get-Keen-Stuff
Welcome to the Phn0rdServer v2.03b! The Phn0rdServer can provide both
you and your family with good, wholesome, bran-muffin knowledge, lore and
entertainment. Here's how it works:
You simply send mail to our special address:
phn0rd-request@student.umass.edu
Then, as the subject, enter one of our special Phn0rdWords. They're like
buzzwords, but they actually do things! Following is a list of most currently
available words... There may even be some secret ones. (Drum roll) But you'll
have to discover those on your own. When sending commands in the subject,
case is irrelevant, and you can't have more than one Phn0rdWord in a subject,
because only one will work per subject line.
Phn0rdWords:
------------
Bob An ASCII Image of J.R. "Bob" Dobb's face
Bulletin Receive the latest Phn0rd Bulletin and Phn0rdNews Update
Charter The Constitution of Phn0rd/UMass
Events The Phn0rd Event Calendar/Update
FAQ The Phn0rd Question and Answer straightlaced pseudo-FAQ
Help This Selfsame help file!
Info The Phn0rd "WordRant" propaganda sheet - Mail it everywhere!
Memetics Memetics, a paper by J. Peter Vajk
Penis "Untitled" by Random Tox - Known as "The Penis Story"
Principia The _Principia Discordia_ by Malaclypse the Younger
Subgenius The Subgenius Online Pamphlet
Subscribe Subscribe to our *fine* international Phn0rd Mailing List
Unsubscribe Unsubscribe from our too-bob-damn-good for you Mailing List
####===================================================================####
Hunting Fun
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 13 May 93 12:49:10 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Date: Tue, 11 May 93 09:38:37 -0400
From: Eric Haines <erich@eye.com>
>From: clarinews@clarinet.com (UPI)
PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- Doctors at Portland's University Hospital
said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is
lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an
initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants
Pass, Ore.
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter
to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have
died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in
Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the
tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all
major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own
he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, ``I feel so dumb about this.''
No charges have been filed but the Josephine Coudistrict
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
####===================================================================####
God Tested
####===================================================================####
From: Scott Dorsey <kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov>
Subject: (n@Nd0) Re: TO ALL WHO KNOW HOW TO PRAY!!!!
Date: 11 May 1993 13:46:27 GMT
>>"Don't test the Lord your God"
>> Holy Bible
>>
>Why not? Not to be a smartass, but what happens if you test God?
>Does s/he refuse to comply? What?
I tested God and I got:
parameter symbol min max unit condition
------------------------ ------ --- --- ---- -----------
Transconductance gfs 500 uMHO Vds=20V
Gate-Drain Breakdown Volt. BVgds 30 V Ig=1uA
Saturation Drain Current Idss 0.2 1 mA Vds=20V
Gate reverse current Igss 0.5 nA Vgs=20V
Pinch off voltage Vp 0.3 1.5 V Id=10nA,Vds=20V
Common source input Cap. Ciss 8 pF Vds=20V
Common source reverse
transfer capacitance Crss 3 pF Vds=20V
Equivalent input noise Volt en 50 nV/sqrt(Hz) Vds=10V
Vgs=0;F=10Hz
Equiv. input noise current in 0.1 pA/sqrt(Hz) Vds=10V;
Vgs=0;F=10Hz
A little bit too much noise, but still fairly low leakage even by
modern standards.
--scott
####===================================================================####
A Letter
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 26 May 93 2:24:32 EST
From: hiscdcj@lux.latrobe.edu.au
To: jstevens@world.std.com
Subject: from sysadmin: account overload, cpu shutdown tomorrow
nahh, it's just me.
>
> > Can I have a copy of PURPS please? Pretty please? Pretty please with all
> > that goes with it etc etc etc.
>
> OK. But only 'cause you said pretty please.
Good. Grovelling has to get me somewhere....although it has worked
pretty well with lecturers so far <hehehehe>
> 1. Send a "Send me a back issue NOW, Damnit" message (or a message with those
> words in it to:
>
> HailOtis@scopsy.sci.fau.edu
Woo! Right, here it goes...........
aww, have to quit the mailer. Bummer.
Anyway, it'll be done Real Soon Now <pshaw!>
> An organic list server named Mal3 will respond.
cor!
> I sent him a request,too. We should, together, be able to get a response.
So we should send him a joint post? Is that possible? Ooohh, it's all
too c-o-n-f-u-s-i-n-g....
<Well, you DID say together. And I hardly know you! I want half of your
furniture!>
> MAL3 is Purp's current Editor in Chief.
Gee!
> 2. Of course Purps is only part of the VAST SHOW known as the OTISian
> Faith, the true, correct religion and the only one for you run by yers
> truly. Since you seem to be a follower of a wayward although related
Well, the only TRUE follower here in Melbourne, if you ask me...
> faith (Erisianism), better than the Subweenies and the best of the
> alternatives but DON'T LET IT GO TO YR HEAD, you should BUY YOUR SALVATION
Oh, I won't, there's not enough room.
> NOW by sending most of yer money to:
>
> THE InterGalactic House of Fruitcakes (IGHF)
> 955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209
> Cambridge, MA 02139-9183
Easily done: I'm a student! I'm broke! I'll send ALL of my cash to them.
hehehe.
> 3. Enclose a note with the above sum demanding to be enlightened. Claim
> to have met me here, on the n'et, but BE EVASIVE IF CORNERED.
Right, you'll be s-o-r-r-y- though.....
> 4. Then HOLD ON TO YOUR HEAD. OTISianism can be a ROUGH RIDE for the
> uninitiated. (We guarantee it, in fact, or DOUBLE NO MONEY BACK!)
Yeah, I sent a copy of the issue you mailed me to a friend, and she said
it was fun, but couldn't read it too often or she'd go mad.
"That's the whole point" says I.
> "Pope" Jephe I
Wah! (getting sick of this)
You too, hey?
Pope Dwayne the, um, erm, am I the first? Couldn't be....
hiscdcj@lux.latrobe.edu.au
####===================================================================####
Repent -- just in case
####===================================================================####
From: titan@sys6626.bison.mb.ca (Titanium Knight)
Subject: ARTICLE: Repent -- just in case
Date: Sat, 29 May 93 01:14:45 CST
Friday, May 28, 1993
Repent -- just in case
From FP news services
NEW YORK -- the next time you encounter a lone prophet with a sign
saying, Repent -- The End Is Near, you might take it a little more
seriously.
Princetown University astrophysicist Richard Gott has calculated that
there is a 95 per cent chance the human race could perish between 5,100 and
7.8 million years from now. And in the worst-case scenario, the human race
could vanish in as little as 12 years.
"The people that have been warning that there might be some ecological
disaster in the future that could cause a crash -- you should take these
warnings quite seriously," he said. "We're not likely to be guaranteed a
future that is vast compared with our past."
The purely mathematical calculations, published today in the British
scientific journal Nature, are bad news for trekkies, too. Gott calculated
that if humans were ever going to roam the galaxy, the odds are they'd be
doing it already.
One implication of the findings is that we might want to encourage
colonization of space, "not just explore and come back," Gott said. "If you
establish a successful colony on another planet, you might enlarge our
chances (of long-term survival) by a factor of two."
Gott's findings are based on the assumption that most human beings live
somewhere in the middle of the period of human existence. Only a very
small minority of people live near the beginning of human existence. So
the odds are we aren't among them.
This kind of reasoning was first used by the Renaissance astronomer
Nicolaus Copernicus in 1543, when he showed that Earth was not the centure
of the universe. He was vilified by the Roman Catholic Church for doing
so.
"People like to think they're special. People are very upset when
they find out otherwise," Gott said.
####===================================================================####
Human Cork
####===================================================================####
From: "P.Harris" <P.Harris@southampton.ac.uk>
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 93 15:16:21 BST
I first read about this guy in Viv Stanshall's "Sir Henry at Rawlinson End"
and I thought he was fiction, but no ! He existed. One of Earth's unsung
heroes. From The Daily Sport, tuesday june 8th.
SECRET OF THE HUMAN CORK
"Human Cork" Angelo Faticoni baffled doctors and swimmers alike by floating
in water for up to 15 hours - with heavy iron, steel and lead weights strapped
to his body.
On one occasion, Faticoni amazed onlookers by swimming across New York City's
Hudson River while strapped to a heavy metal chair.
In another stunt, he swam through icy waters while sewn INSIDE a bag with a
20lb cannonball tied to his legs.
Wires
Sceptics said Faticoni was a phoney who used hidden wires. But he was happy
to co-operate fully with anyone who wanted to test his powers.
A team of medical experts from Harvard University examined him as he floated
for 15 hours with 20lbs of lead fixed to his body and they had to admit the
feat was genuine.
Church ministers declared that the Italian immigrant must be possessed by the
Devil.
Faticoni promised to reveal his secret after he retired.
But when he died in 1931 at the age of 72, he was still performing - so his
secret sank without trace.
####===================================================================####
Verb Names
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 93 15:58:04 EDT
From: Telkner <R3JMT@VM1.CC.UAKRON.EDU>
Subject: Purps Submission
It is time once again to harvest the fruits of the intellectual and
creative efforts of my immediate circle of friends. The gem this time,
a list of verb names. Here are some of the more amusing ones:
Paige Stu Sue Wade Blanche Rose Brook Pat Bud Ty Mark Marshal Carol
Matt Bob Mike Carrie Di Don Chuck Dawn Tip DeForrest Doug Flo Ford
Bea Wilt Barry Bill Russell Jimmy Sally Frank Harold Peg Phil Ralph
Mary Skip Lance Buck Jack Neil Rob Wayne Will Barb Nick
####===================================================================####
Do lemurs like chocolate?
####===================================================================####
From: "The Usenet Oracle" <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Re: Do lemurs like chocolate?
Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1993 13:47:35 GMT
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Check this out: I drove my girlfriend home 2 nights ago, and as I was
> leaving her place, something bolted across the street. It was far too late
> at night for it to be a squirrel, too small to be a cat or dog, and the way
> it ran eliminated the possibility of it being an opossum. Plus, two HUGE
> red orbs reflected my headlights back at me.
>
> I thought, "Wait, did I just see...Nah."
>
> I slowed down to get a glimpse of where it went. It disappeared. It was
> either in a bush right next to the street, or it went down into a sewer
> drain at the curb. I thought, "Ahh, that explains it. It was just a raccoon".
>
> But I'm telling you, it was far too small to be a raccoon, and it held its
> tail up above its head. And the thing was _fast_.
>
> I drove home thinking, "Man, that's a little too weird, even for me. Wait
> until I tell the Oracle. Now I'm seeing them all over the place, I need
> help."
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "...Man, I need help," he finished typing, and pressed return just as one
} scurried across the keyboard and stung him in the index finger. It was only a
} small sting, but he screamed as if he were in excruciating pain, and shook his
} hand violently and uncontrollably to try and alleviate it. He could see the
} wound now glowing, pulsating in neon orange, and a network of thin, blue
} diamond patterns was beginning to spread from the wound, first covering his
} hand, then climbing slowly up his arm.
}
} He heard a low moan echo behind him, followed by the maniacal laugh of a fat
} Southern man. He spun around in his chair to find a shadowy figure dancing the
} Achy Breaky dance in his living room. His face was well-defined, but
} inconstant, changing first to the likeness of Jimmy Carter, then Diana Ross,
} then Walter Cronkite, then Montel Williams. "Wow," he said in amazement.
} "Mushmelon. Frizzlefry."
}
} He looked down at his naked body to find himself covered in blue diamonds. He
} started to cry, realizing how terrifying it would be if Lucky the Leprechaun
} were to come by with an exact-O knife, seeking to cut him up and stick his
} pieces into boxes of Lucky Charms. It so frightened his skin that it jumped off
} his body, and danced in the living room with the shadowy figure (who was now
} Kim Fields (Tootie from "The Facts of Life")). It was freaky: he was his skin
} and his skeleton at the same time, seperate entities, and yet, unified and
} singularly aware. His skeleton stood and took his skin by the hands, and they
} chanted together, "Skin and Bones, Bones and Skin, within's without, without's
} within!" Then, his skin jumped through his skeleton's ribcage, and began
} poking about in his inner organs.
}
} The little creatures joined in the country line dancing, forming seventeen
} perfect ranks of Tush-Pushing Red-Eyed Beasties. They danced together for
} hours, until the music stopped. And then, in an angry rage, the beasties
} swarmed him and crawled through his eye sockets and rib cage, devouring his
} insides. This saddened him. He wished they could be friends. Moreover, he
} wished the Oracle was here, so he could ask him why the beasties had such an
} unnatural taste for human intestines. "He'd know," he tried to say out loud,
} only to find they'd devoured his tongue.
}
} As if cued to do so, a blaze of green fire ripped through his living room,
} the force of which threw him against the wall. A huge, hideous black-winged
} creature stood before him, holding a flaming, strangely-runed book in his right
} hand. The man cringed in the corner in fear of this horrible visage, as it took
} a deep breath and began to speak.
}
} "TAKE...OFF...THE...NICOTINE...PATCH!!!"
}
} The sheer volume of his voice practically split his eardrums. He tightened in
} his fetal position.
}
} "I...SAID...TAKE...OFF...THE...OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, HERE!"
}
} Suddenly, the beasties were gone, as was the shadowy dancing figure, leaving
} only the Usenet Oracle in his living room, holding a large brown patch in his
} left hand.
}
} "Sheesh, don't you read the papers, man? These things are downright dangerous!"
} he said.
}
} "Huh? Where am I? What?"
}
} "Look, if you want to quit smoking, the best way to do it is just quit, and
} endure the 5 days of hell-on-earth. Although I don't see why you should even
} bother. I'm not supposed to use my omnipotence to affect the mundane world, but
} just between you and me, you're going to get hit by a bus in 7 years. If I was
} you, I'd puff to my heart's content."
}
} "Are you...hey, what's going on, here?"
}
} "Tell you what. Go to bed, sleep off the confusion, and if you have any
} questions, write me in the morning. In the meantime, you owe the Oracle....this
} object d'art!" he said, picking up a glass egg from the nearby mantlepiece. He
} opened the door to the apartment, and left.
}
} The man stood up, and scratched his head. "Man, what a weird night!" he said.
} He reached to click the lamp off, and the lampshade, which had grown teeth
} when he wasn't looking, ate him.
####===================================================================####
Inviso-Crypt(r) (fwd)
####===================================================================####
From: poier@sfu.ca (Skye Merlin Poier)
Subject: Inviso-Crypt(r) (fwd)
Date: Sat, 19 Jun 93 13:37:29 PDT
Date: 18 Jun 93 11:43:18 U
From: "Kent Hastings" <kent_hastings@qmail2.aero.org>
Subject: Inviso-Crypt(r)
Inviso-Crypt(r)
I'm proud to announce a new fuzzy-logic application that can access
sub-digital biticles. These vitalistic fractional bits were never
discovered before now because computer scientists are still clinging to a
rigid notion of Aristotelian "A or not-A" on-off binary logic.
It took a Fate magazine advertisement to inspire this scam, er-
breakthrough. One of my beta testers was delighted to find his bank account
dramatically compressed and his computer network rendered userless.
Here is a sample of the program's output:
!!! BEGIN INVISO-CRYPT(R) DATA BLOCK !!!
!!! END INVISO-CRYPT DATA BLOCK !!!
The preceding message may look like all spaces, but those 10 lines contain
over 100 megabytes of encrypted biticles. Inviso-Crypt(r) works on graphic
files, too. "+". That single character holds a 4-megabyte GIF image.
Nothing works like, well, uh - nothing ... to the naked eye, of course.
You've heard of Beethoven's "Emperor Concerto," this is nicknamed "The
Emperor's New Code" around our data center. Our recent advance in applied
cryptology works as described here or my name isn't Mr. Burns, oops, uh -
Mr. Snrub, a dedicated computer scientist working at, uh - a lab very far
away, on a chain of islands with affordable liability immunity and
anonymous trust business structures. That'll do. This software not only
does real time bit-slicing, it rolls virtual dice to generate random keys.
Yes, it slices, it dices, and it will decrypt your DNA and cure cancer,
colds, baldness, and all other ailments.
This program is so important that my lobbyists are "passing bills" through
Congress as you read this. (Ok Senator, I'm putting these bills on the
trash dumpster, and when I get back, I expect them to be hauled away. Don't
forget the free bar of soap to wash your hands of this whole affair. See, I
DO support clean government.)
Soon, Inviso-Crypt(r) will be the exclusive national standard. Why, my
payroll expenses have been amazingly smaller since I printed paychecks
using the Inviso-Cash(r) standard.
####===================================================================####
Papal Ponderings
####===================================================================####
Papal Ponderings # 7
Pope Jephe I, IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave. #209,
Cambridge, MA 02139-9183 USA
Bring Back the Brachiosaurus! This week, the Pope Ponders Openly on
Childhood, Dinosaurs, and Jurassic Park (since all of you will have
seen it by now)
Those of you who know me well knew this piece was inevitable. I have,
after all, an inordinate love of dinosaurs. Anyone who lived with me can
attest to the fact that I own a three foot high inflatable Tyrannosaurus
Rex, several models of dinosaur skeletons and other parts of their
anatomy[1], and (my personal favorite) a wall poster of a peaceful
Brachiosaurus grazing from a truck on a modern highway in Germany while
startled motorists look up in horror. Back when I was in high school, I
launched an unsuccessful attempt to legitimize (at least in the eyes of the
faculty) the Williamstonian Society for the Revival of Long Dead Species,
whose primary goal was the revival of extinct (or presumed extinct) and
fictitious animals. The Principal denied us the use of school equipment or
property for this purpose, but the group lived on regardless, ingenuity and
skill with a lock pick more than compensating for our banned status.[2]
Most people outgrow this stage of course, but I have always been one to put
a literal spin on the Carpenter's [4] proclamation that unless we "turn and
become like children" the kingdom will be denied us. Rev. Rhobb has said
on numerous occasions that youth is the only "guaranteed method escaping
mortality" [4] and Pope Cool's assertion (borrowed as it was) that he
"hoped to die before [he] got old", still strikes a chord in me.
After all, age is really an attitude, and aging is not at all the same
thing as getting old. I suspect, deeply, that it may be possible to age
several hundred years without getting a day older. The trick lies in
remaining always a child, keeping our eyes wide with wonder at the world
around us, and our senses overwhelmed each day with the glory of first
discovery. Truly I say to you, if the world is as fresh to you as it is to
a child, time will have no claim on you. I myself am now on my fifth
childhood.[5] Hail OTIS!
Anyway, whatever the reason, my obsession with dinosaurs remains. And, I
gather, by the success of "Jurassic Park", I am not alone in it. What is
it, anyway, that fascinates us so much about these long vanished creatures?
Not everyone can be as defiantly un-grownup as me, after all (if so there
would be no public accountants, lawyers, stockbrokers and other such
members of dubious value in our society-- Hail Soap!), so there must be
another explanation. The condition, after all, spreads beyond mere
mortals. Many OTISian texts reveal that OTIS and Spode both counted the
dinosaurs among their favorite creatures[6] (although the later also has a
fondness for that minuscule South American toad which lives on isolated
plateaus and curls itself into a ball to roll out of harm's way[7]).
OTIS him/herself is blunt as to why (s)he likes the dinosaurs so
much, (s)he finds them "a hell of a lot more interesting than human
beings". Human beings, OTIS notes, have never been known to grow to the
length of several city blocks, have brains in their buts, or do battle
with Moth Ra while the frightened populace of Tokyo looks on in horror.
"Frankly", one of OTIS' early letters to Barnard Hastaba reads, "the
dinosaurs were more peaceable, relaxed, in tune with the world than people
are. Until Spode fumbled and dropped the ball in that game of Anti-Matter
Hot Potato (bringing the reign of the dinosaurs to an abrupt and startling
end), they had managed to endure several hundred of thousands of years
without inventing a single form of pollutive technology, even one weapon of
mass destruction, or disco music; in short the things that most plague and,
in My eyes most condemn, the human race".
In short, the dinosaurs were children, willing to live the world without
exploiting it, uninterested in fanning hatred's fame to the point where
their race was in daily peril of disappearing utterly from the world. In
comparison human beings have screwed things up massively. Maybe it's
time to give the dinosaurs another chance. That, after all, was the
motto of our club way back in high school, "Bring back the Brachiosaurus!",
we shouted "Fight Evolution! Give the reptiles another
chance!" Amen, and Hail OTIS.
----------
Notes by "Bill" a House Scribe:
[1] You don't want to know.
[2] The Pope would never admit it, but the group was caught once having
broken onto school property. They had managed to "borrow" a three year old
elephant from a traveling circus, and were using school equipment to
compare its genetic structure with that found in freeze-dried Mastodon
meat (a sample of which they had also "borrowed" from a local college (the
Pope dodges questions about this research to this day, swearing up and
down that the idea was NOT to create a hybrid animal, and the legendary
"Williamstown Hairy Elephant", the subject of so much Fortean research
and discussion, whose remains were found behind the high school during
the Pope's senior year, had nothing to do with the group's activities).
When caught red handed, the Pope placed himself in front of the pachyderm,
arms outstretched and feet apart. "Elephant?", he is reported to have said
,feigning innocence "What elephant?"
[3] Jesus Christ.
[4] The Pope is being polite here since he was saying this long before
Rhobb (aka "Rev. Rhobb-- Screaming Prophet of OTIS Triumphant, one-time
heretic, but more recently one of the Pope's most ardent supporters)
picked up on it, although the idea, borrowed directly from the age-old belief
hat "the young are immortal" should probably be in the public domain anyway.
[5] Fourth, actually. HAIL OTIS!
[6] See OTIS 5:23, The Complete Writings of Adolph Jordan, and Pope Enzio
I's extended tract ion this very subject.
[7] Some people think to avoid enormous (compared to the toad at least)
hairy spiders which have been reported on the plateaus, although no spider
sighting has ever been confirmed. It's interesting to note that Sir
Author Colan Doyle wrote a very good book about these plateaus. He
claimed dinosaurs survived there well into the 19th century. No evidence
has been found to substantiate the claim.
####===================================================================####
The Tilton Question
####===================================================================####
From: poier@sfu.ca (Skye Merlin Poier)
Subject: Late night ponderings....
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 93 5:26:23 PDT
> Hmmm...
>
> Is there any relationship between OTIS (hail OTIS!) and the Rev. Robert
> Tilton? His "Success in Life" tele-preaching is _laden_ with, er, slack. (
> Is slack ok in OTISianism? If not, what is the appropriate substitute?
> Spackle perhaps? )
>
> hey, wait a minute! Robert can be shortened to... gasp... BoB !!!
>
> nah...
>
Ah yes, well these connections are often very hard to pin down really. As
the world becomes older and technology becomes more prevalent it's hard
to say if Rev. Tilton got hold of one of those out dated Otisian
operation manuals or if he's actually working for the powers that be. They
are always selling those at House of Blue Light White Elephant Sales. I know
at one time an enterprising do-it-yourselfer was buying them by the gross
to use as land fill.
Anyway, what this means is the this Tilton fellow could have obtained
one of these manuals, (which due to an oversight do contain some
really helpful money making schemes) and using a Xerox machine made enough
copies for his studio staff to use. Using this operations manual could give
Tilton the ability to make his Religion-o-rama broadcast seem to appear to
be Otisian inspired.
Also if Tilton was one of these so called "hip" preaches he no doubt caught
sight of the frophead media bombardment that took place on MTV (you know
that channel all cable companies include as filler so they don't have to
use that space for something important like CSPAN or the Sci-Fi channel.)
Doing a little research he could easily have begun to insert massive
amounts of so called slack into his show. Anyone who's not had their head
buried under a stone fez for a few thousand years knows how easy it is to
make something seem like slack. Scads of pink boys do it every day armed
with the trusty Xerox machine and now their computers (see this is where
the technology comes in.)
Okay so that's one possibility. Tilton is stealing ideas and using them on
his show to make money.
Second. Tilton works for Otis. This probably is not the case. For those of
you out there with satellite dishes, observe closely his satellite feeds.
Sometimes they are rather sloppy about editing during the breaks. At one
occasion it was witnessed that Tilton was wiping his sweating brow with
none other than a Papal yacht towel. How he came by this is a very good
question which no one seems to be able to answer. Looking in the official
guest book of the yacht, one sees that his name never appears. This
could mean nothing since we've had Chuck Wagon and Ben Dover as guest
several dozen times. Also it seems that several pages of the register were
obliterated by a divine thunder bolt. Oh course there is no room in this
answer to explain how this happened.
Okay, so we have Tilton here with a yacht towel. It's too confusing to
mean anything. Looking in the Otisian Temple employee register, we see no
mention of his name. We do seem to employ 500 people who's last name is
smith curiously enough.
A quick ask around of the church elders also reveals that no one will own
up to Tilton.
So what this boils down to is: If Tilton is working for Otis we don't know
about it. Still Otis as a divine being is more than allowed, by cosmic
custom, to "move in mysterious ways" like socks in a dryer.
Of course evidence against Tilton is all this Slack which in some Otisian
circles in not approved of.
So maybe Tilton is working for the B-B fellow. It's happened before. We
all know how vulnerable any human being is to B-B if they watch t.v. A
quick check to see if Tilton recently purchases aluminum siding or Amway
products would be a dead give away. Remember the T.V.is a tool of the
fropheads. The first divine messages were carried across the glowing
cathode ray tube.
Of course there is still on other possibility. He could be working for the
Zakinthians. They are great at pulling in the gullible and knocking the
props out from under those without a firm foundation in Otis. If you look
at the above text and note the confusion of clues and counter clues clearly
you can see a pattern forming. The Zakinthians tend to work this way,
especially when they have trouble focusing their mind control beams. This
could result from Tilton's use of an "invisible" hair piece, containing a
small quantity of aluminum.
Then there's always the big E. but we'll not bring here into the discussion
seeing as you did not mention her.
Still there's other things to look at here. Tilton is very close to
Piltdown. This brings to mind the Piltdown man of song and story. That
amazing stone man dug up from the body of mother earth which all claim to
be a fake. Or should I say they prefer to claim it a fake because it does
not scare them as much as admitting that the Bible was right when claiming
that giants lived on the earth.
Tilton also bring to mind the idea of Tilt in a pinball machine. Another
10,000 lines could be written here about the symbolism in the movie "Tommy"
or how the conversation to Otis is like a pin ball game.
Confused?
Good! Basically Tilton is a loose cannon. Watch him at your own risk. When
they pull the plug on the reality projector then you'll know the truth.
Life, besides being a way to collect donations for the gods, is a test. Often
times it resembles those tests they gave you in school which were designed
to keep you busy so you'd not carve your name in the desk.
Mal
> Skye
####===================================================================####
Lost and Found
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 93 12:01:42 MDT
From: iverson@NMSU.Edu
Virginia Woman Removes Man's Penis
Washington Post June 24, 1993
A 26-year-old Prince William County man whose wife cut off his penis
with a kitchen knife while he slept yesterday morning was reported in
satisfactory condition last night after 9 1/2 hours of surgery to
reattach the organ, officials said.
Authorities learned of the incident when the man showed up at the
Prince William Hospital about 5 a.m.. Police officers were dispatched
to his nearby apartment to search for the missing penis, but couldn't
find it. About the same time, the man's wife called the authorities
from a pay to say she had been raped, had fled the apartment "in a
panic," unknowingly taking the penis with her, and had thrown the
penis out the window of her car at Old Centreville Road and Maplewood
Drive, near the Manassas Park city line.
The penis was recovered at the intersection, packed in ice and
transported by fire and rescue personnel to the hospital, where the
surgical reattachment procedure began shortly after 6 a.m., said James
T. Sehn, a urologist who was called to the hospital and was one of the
two doctors who participated in the delicate operation.
Commonwealth's Attorney Paul B. Ebert said last night that the couple,
who were not identified, "had been experiencing considerable domestic
difficulty."
"Her bags were packed," Ebert said of the 24-year-old wife.
The woman told police that her husband had raped her shortly before
she cut off two-thirds of his penis. "After he went to sleep, she got
a kitchen knife," Ebert said.
A police spokesman said the woman was released after being treated as
a rape victim at the same hospital where husband was undergoing
surgery.
Police charged the woman last night with aggravated malicious
wounding, a felony that carries a maximum penalty of 40 years in jail.
Ebert said that police had been unable to interview the man, and that
no charges had been brought in connection with the woman's rape
allegation.
Former neighbors of the couple said the woman had often complained of
being beaten by her husband.
"He was just a kid, and she was caught in a terrible, terrible
situation," said a man who asked not to be identified. "She obviously
needed help," said another neighbor.
Penile reattachments, although not medically difficult, are rare.
"It's safe to say that fewer than 100 have ever been done," said
Charles B. Cuono, a professor of surgery at Yale School Of Medicine,
who would recall only three such surgeries there in 12 years.
The first penile reattachment was performed in Japan in the mid-1970s.
"In those days, we defined success as survival of the part," Cuono
said. "You put the penis back on and if it didn't turn black, it was a
success."
Doctors now examine urinary function, erectile ability and fertility
in determining success.
Reattaching a penis is technically easier than operating on a severed
fingertip, said Michael F. Angel, director of microsurgery at the
John's Hopkins School of Medicine. "The real challenge is to get it to
function."
In that regard, the "mechanism of amputation," in Cuono's words, is an
important factor. "In cases where it's a guillotine-type cut, the
success rate approaches 85 to 90 percent."
####===================================================================####
Otis In Chicago
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 93 13:30:42 CDT
From: <hcresnic@midway.uchicago.edu>
To: jstevens@world.std.com
[ Stuff deleted for reasons of House Security]
The OTISian Directory is truly both enoyable and informative.
In that vein -- I have a story that I must relate.
On that secular holiday that falls on the fourth day of the
seventh month in this country, myself and some fellow-seekers made a
pilgrimage to that annual celebration and recreation of wartime
activities known as the "fireworks display" at Monroe Harbor (named
after the great statesman) in Grant Park (named after the great
general) in downtown Chicago (the name comes from a indian word
meaning "where the wild onions grow" or "the smelly place"). We camped
out at 6:30 just east of Buckingham Fountain (named after both the
guitarist for Fleetwod Mac and the inventor of the pen). Yea, verily,
we did eat of the fried chicken and drink of the Pepper of the Doctor.
And we did thus pass the time while watching many scantily clad women
and their metal-pumping boyfriends cruise the lake front. There then
were also boats trolling in the harbor (but no trolls harboring in the
boats) with names such as "Wise Guyz", full of the flower of this
generation drunk on firewater and mooning the people on shore. Quite a
site (and sight) for this novice Otisian.
And after many hours had passed, and the sun had set behind
the Prudential Building and the John Hancock Building (both named
after Fred Building), the sky was set ablaze with the most wondrous
display of burning fragments. And I thought to myself, "This would be
the perfect place to shoot up a firework of both the Otisian symbol
and the Great Fez." And so I made a plea for this to pass. But I was
rejected by the bigwigs at the Chicago Park District, who dismissed me
with such reckless abandon that I set a curse on the proceedings,
which caused the scheduled taped accompaniment to the display to go
seriously awry. Anyone who was there will tell you that in good faith
this did come to pass. Next year they will pay more heed to me and the
great Otisian symbol will become a permanent part of Chicago's main
fireworks display.
Pass this on to whomever you believe will benefit from it.
hugh
####===================================================================####
Speech Recognition Mishaps
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 93 22:22:14 MDT
From: iverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: Wacky Speech Recognition Mishaps
Al Sicherman
Minneapolis Star Tribune
Sunday, June 13, 1993
I am writing this down for you Gentle Reader, even as I speak
As it tends to do, technology marches on. And it seems to be marching over
me. I am dictating today's column into a device that changes my spoken
words into typing on my computer.
Yes, that's right, I am sitting in my chair, with my hands folded in front
of me; I am speaking into a little headset microphone and words are
appearing on a screen. Ain't science grand?
At this point in today's column, I am correcting the frequent
misunderstandings that arise between me and the machine so that what you
are reading looks just fine.
In fact, however, the rather darling computer program that is interpreting
my deathless words is even now making a zillion incorrect guesses about
what I am saying, most of which aren't even close. I should acknowledge
that its second guess is quite often correct, but we aren't playing
horseshoes here.
The only reason you can make anything out of this is that I am correcting
the machine as we go. To be fair, it is still in the process of learning
my voice. It has only been listening to me for a solid month. Presumably
after a lengthy exposure to my dulcet tones - say, 10 or 15 years - it
would unerringly transcribe my every utterance. In the meantime, it's a
little dicey.
I should be gracious enough to say that the reason I am pulling up a
microphone - instead of a keyboard or a typewriter or a linotype - is that
my hands (not unlike my feet, my back, my knees, my esophagus and my head)
are failing to perform up to minimal expectations, and my doctor has
recommended that I wear strange-looking wrist bands and do what I can to
minimize wrist strain from typing.
All right, my choices are: Abandon what I laughingly call my profession in
favor of something that doesn't use the hands, such as bubble-blowing or
grape-stomping; ignore the doctor and go through the day with my wrists on
fire, or spend my time dictating to a computer that thinks that when I say
"require" I mean "retire."
It's an easy decision. The company has brought in this dictation computer
on a trial basis; five of us are trying it. (The worst of it is that
chewing sounds confuse it, so I can no longer eat while I type.)
OK, enough Mr. Nice Guy. Here, unedited, is how this device heard me
recite a few familiar passages. I will correct the titles, but that's all:
The Raven
Once upon a midnight jury, well I powder, week and very,
Over many a right and serious volume of forthcoming more -
While I not, clearly next, suddenly their game a having,
As of some one gently wrapping, rapid at my chamber your.
"Kiss some Mr.," I mother, "having at my chamber or:
Only this and nothing more."
Coast the Reagan: "Everywhere."
Lincoln's Gettysburg Address
For store and 7 years ago our fathers wrote fourth on this content a
new nation, embassy in liberty and education to the protozoan that all
them are created people.
Annabel Lee
It was many and many the year uncle,
In a keynote by the see,
That a maiden there lived when you may no
By the name of animal Lee.
Preamble to the Constitution
We, the people of the united space, In order to form a more perfect
union, establish justice, injuring most family, provide for the ,
defense, problem the general Walter, and severe the lessons of liberty
to ourselves and or', to morning and establish this consideration for
the united states of America.
Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor really picks up the race in the church
Where a wedding as in
Lives in a tree
With at the window
Wearing the face that she teeth in a jar by the your
Who is it for?
All the only people, where to they all, from?
All a only people, where to they all, from?
The Arrow and the Song
I shot an bureau into the hair,
It tell to earth, I new not where.
Paul Revere's Ride
Listen, by children, and you shall here
Of the midnight by of call radiator.
..
Want, if by land, and to, if by see;
And I on the opposite shore will be,
Ready to wind and sound the along
Through every Nelson says village and from.
The Star Spangled Banner
Old say can you see by the tongs early late,
What so probably we pale at the college last cleaning,
Whose broad strikes and great stores, through the parallels five
Or the reference we watch were so talented string?
And the rockets read letter, the follows bursting in air,
A group through the night that our flight was still their;
Go say does that star scheduled manner yet wave,
Or the land of the free, and the call of the great?
Though there are many more works of Enemy Lobster Although (whom you
many know as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow), including The Religious
Watchman (the Village Blacksmith), I think we should stop.
Maybe another time I'll read aloud some complete garbage (passages
from the Congressional Record; the lyrics of "Louie Louie," or the
fine print on my credit-card bill) and see whether the computer turns
it into Shakespeare.
####===================================================================####
Brow
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 93 20:17:03 CET
From: SCOTT%VM.plearn.edu.pl@plearn.edu.pl
The Secret of the Soup,
or
How Brow Became the God of Mindless Violence
Long, long ago, when the earth was young and the Gods
Themselves were but happy carefree teenagers, Brow was the God of
Mindless Stupidity. He was so stupid that, although He was often
invited to parties so that He could be the butt end of jokes, no-
one would live with him. Thus Brow had to mend His clothes,
clean His house, and cook His food all alone.
Brow's fly-sized brain was hardly up to these tasks. He
held His clothes together with sticky tape and white glue. He
cleaned His house with urine and feces. He boiled rocks and
grass for His soup.
But Spode, the God of Confusion, was an excellent cook and
had a soft spot in His heart for Brow because He was such an
excellent fall guy for His jokes. So Spode often had Brow over
for dinner.
Now Spode made a special mushroom soup that He had learnt
from Reaf, the God of Mind-Altering Plants, which Brow was
extremely fond of. Brow always begged Spode to teach Him the
recipe of the delicious soup. However, Spode always told Brow
that there was no point in doing so as Brow would surely muck
things up.
Finally, Spode appeared to relent and told Brow to come over
to His house that night where He would teach Brow the Secret of
the Soup. Before Brow arrived, Spode prepared two identical pots
- one filled with the delicious mushroom soup and the other
containing warm water and a few chopped up vegetables.
When Brow knocked on the door Spode quickly put the warm
water on the fire and led Brow into the kitchen. He explained
that He had already added all the main ingredients to the water
and that it had been boiling on the fire for two hours. However,
the final Secret Ingredient that changed an ordinary soup into a
culinary masterpiece had yet to be added.
To Brow's shock, Spode then dropped His trousers and
swizzled His genitalia around in the warm water. Spode explained
that the sexual organs of Gods have an incomparable flavour that
not only made excellent soup but also, and here He gave a lewd
wink, was superb for convincing cute mortal chicks to give one
head.
Then, when Brow wasn't looking, Spode brought the other pot
of excellent mushroom soup into the dining room and They sat down
to an excellent meal. Brow, of course, couldn't wait to try this
Himself. The very next day He invited all the Gods to His home
for a meal of the best soup They had ever tasted.
That night all the Gods (who had been promised a fine show
by Spode) turned out for the party. With a great flourish, Brow
withdrew into the kitchen to add the Secret Ingredient. He
unfastened the sticky tape that held up his trousers and plopped
His genitalia right down into the boiling water.
When Brow burst out the kitchen clutching His crimson penis
and howling in pain the entire company of Gods were so shaken by
laughter that they lay on the floor panting for breath. For the
very first time anger crept into the minuscule brain of Brow and,
seeing as there wasn't much room in there in the first place,
shoved nearly everything else out. Brow went on a spree of
mindless violence and mayhem that has lasted to this day even
though Brow has long since forgotten why.
####===================================================================####
Money Lenders
####===================================================================####
>Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1993 21:23:09 -0400 (EDT)
>From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
>Subject: Re: "Man's Best Friend"
>To: "Rodney E. Griffith" <dm745@cleveland.Freenet.Edu>
>Cc: HailOtis <HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu>
>In-Reply-To: <9307070217.AA27323@pooh.INS.CWRU.Edu>
>Message-Id: <Pine.3.07.9307072106.A14914-a100000@world.std.com>
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
>
>On Tue, 6 Jul 1993, Rodney E. Griffith wrote:
>
>> Evening. Are you there? Illuminet Press says there's a
>> conspiracy 'twixt aliens and the government (or like weasels)
>> to not only oppress this planet, but others.
>>
>> We're all headed for the big sleep. And I think I'm starting to
>> hear yawns.
>>
>> What is the Otisian word on thieves, money-changers and other
>> bothersome/dangerous haters in the temple? It's hard to make fun
>> of Nazis when they're in season.
>>
>I have been told I'm "not all there", but I think I am.
>
>Money lenders are "ok", AS LONG AS WE GET OUR CUT!
>
Ah yes, once again Otis does save us from the sin of usuary (but not from
bad spelling). The way the system works, as I understand it is Otis takes
all the interest while the loaner just collects the principle. This way us
poor mortals avoid the dreaded sin of usuary.
You will notice that interest rates have dropped a might since Otis really
began to flourish in this modern times. Because Otis has more eager beaver
donators she does not have to rely on his age old method of collecting
money.
Mal
>HAIL OTIS!
>
>PJI
>
>
>P.S.-=- I'll forward this to Mal3, since I'm sure many people will want to
>know our position on money lenders, including, but not limited to, the
>money lenders themselves.
>
>
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