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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 23
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** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 23
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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INTRO
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Oh dear. This issue will probably not live up to the last owing to the
fact that we didn't have quite as many submissions and that I'm sort of
hurling this together. Normally I seem to do these on Saturday mornings
but this time around the old AC was busted so it was way to hot to work
so I was elsewhere. Dunno..Maybe I'm just getting lazy as time goes by.
Anyways, as usual we're always looking for submissions. I've been quite
pleased lately with what I've got. We can use a lot more though. Dig deep
into your souls. Let the spirit of Otis fill you with his divine light
and shower with creativity in his name.
Gag what an unholy nightmare this issue appears to have become. The later
half of this track consists entirely material inspired by one of two
divine beings. First the Pope. There's a note in there somewhere that
explains it all.
The second Divine Being is Humpy the Stumpy Bear. Currently Humpy the
Stumpy Bear is residing here with me for occult testing. Usually she can
be found with the Rev John.
Who's Humpy? you ask. Well Humpy is a small divine Bear shaped being made
out of a substance which resembles plastic but comes closer to Manna
molecular structure. She has a peg leg, no butt, and is pregnant with the
Divine Child who as of yet we really don't know much about. Stumpy, as we
generally call her, has air hold in her tummy so you can peer inside and
actually see the Divine Child. Also she has a slot in the top and bottom
of here that you can blow through like a kazoo. So far no one has been
able to produce a very reasonable kazoo like noise out of her. In my
researches I have come to the realization that if someone can blow the
Stumpy Kazoo business and make a decent kazoo like noise, they must be
some sort of chosen person, in a similar manner to the sword and stone
bit, where only King Arthur could pull the sword out of the stone.
One more thing. Chucks. Chucks are a form of foot gear. Stewy is our
Resident expert on Chucks so if you have any questions on them you should
write her. Some have speculated that when Otis is lounging around his pad
he is prone to wear chucks, while when she is out swanning about one his
daily rounds she wears jungle boots.
Inside you'll find:
Dress Codes
Government in Action
News of the Weird
Book of Begat
Magick Of Colors
Story Time
And So It Begins
Tales from Our Lady of the Bloody Pinking Shears
More News of the Weird
Elvis News
More Curse of the Child Actors
Mal Speaks of Rev John's Up Coming Running for Office
And Still More News of the Weird
Campaign Clippings
===========================================================================
Dress Codes
===========================================================================
[Seeing as the Otisians have become an International kind of thing. It
seems like a good thing to include some choice words on proper dress
codes for other countries. We must send missionaries abroad to convert
the ignorant and they must be dressed properly to be accepted in any
country.]
Date: Fri, 07 Jun 91 22:06:40 -0400
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>
Subject: Silly European Dress Code Articles
>From: <RFLOOD@ESOC.BITNET>
Subject: Dress Codes
Here are the recommended dress codes for European countries. Guaranteed to
make you 'blend in' with the locals ! (Men only I'm afraid).
England: Dinner jacket, striped grey/black trousers, white shirt (starched
if possible), patent leather shoes, bowler hat.
Germany: White shirt, lederhosen (leather shorts with suspenders), knee
length socks, black shoes, felt hat with little feather in it. Optional
extra: 48" beer belly.
France: Ten year old polyester suit (MUST be shiny), polyester shirt,
sneakers. Optional extra: smell of garlic on breath.
Italy: $1000 Guicci casual jacket over $800 Fiori shirt. Designer jeans
from Phillip Heyes. Gold-lines Reeboks. Lacoste sunglasses. Optional
extra: pull-out car radio under left arm. 18 year old blond bimbo under
right arm.
Spain: Short sleeve shirt, jeans, sneakers. Satisfied smile and glass of
sangria in hand. Optional extra: Two more in stomach.
Switzerland: Pinstripe suit. White shirt. Highly polished black shoes.
Phillip Patek watch. Bank account in Lichtenstein.
Belgium: Pinstripe suit. White shirt. Highly polished socks. Sneakers.
Packet of pomme frittes (french fries) in hand. 15 kids and a fat wife.
Netherlands: Any dress will do, must be worn with holzshoen (clogs). Note:
to be mistaken for a Netherlander, you must speak 15 languages fluently.
(Depressing, isn't it ?!)
More to come.......
Date: Wednesday, 5 Jun 1991 11:11:59 CET
>From: <RFLOOD@ESOC.BITNET>
Subject: Dress Codes (ladies)
After many requests, here are the corresponding ladies' dress codes.
England: Multicoloured flower print dress, white sandals. Floppy hat,
handbag, copy of 'Cosmo'. Note that as English women generally have large
bottoms, you may - as a foreigner - wish to buy this dress outside
England.
Germany: (Normal) baggy old 'help-the-aged' faded dress, white
blouse.
(Green) denim one-piece button up the front pants suit,
sneakers
(Upper Class) two piece smart polyster suit from 'Quelle'.
France: Up to 10 a.m. Rubberised housecoat, hair in curlers.
From 10 a.m. Smart blouse, jeans, hair in curlers.
For visiting the opera. Smart little black dress, hair in curlers.
Note: It is forbidden by law to trim underarm hair in France.
Italy: Sweater, jeans, sneakers. Total value of outfit not to be less
than $10000. If over 30, large black dress. Optional extra: husband.
Second option extra: lover. Lots of real gold rings, necklaces, etc.
Belgium: Scarf on head, blouse, skirt (black), apron (white), plastic sandals.
Steaming platter of pommes frittes (french fries) to be carried in
left hand. Optional extra: large bottle of 'Stella Artois' beer.
Netherlands. Scarf on head, blouse, jeans, ecologically sound sneakers.
Packet of controlled substances in left rear jeans pocket.
Optional extra: boyfriend, cheese, white bicycle.
===========================================================================
Government in Action
===========================================================================
From: MAX::FNORD "GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY" 9-JUN-1991 22:03
To: FNORD
Subj: r.p.1
[Note: the following is from a letter sent by "Roger P." (a real
person, I have his last name & address if you're interested) to
the T.V. news program "20/20." Copies were also sent to other media
and to various government officials, including the president.]
20/20
157 Columbus Ave.
New York, New York, 10023
Dear Sir:
In October of 1985 I started a pet store in Tacoma, WA. In March of 1986
Pacific West Sport and Raquet Club located itself in the same shopping
center. When I first opened the store I was told or threatened by Rod Boyd
and Denny Van Wee that if I did not lock and bar the backdoor at the store
someone would walk through it and change my life.
Well, on the 28 of January, 1986, someone did walk through the backdoor.
I was later told that it was Bill Dickconson. This man walked through
the backdoor as we were cleaning the shop one morning and asked my
now ex-wife for sex.
Five months before I had a lower back operation so I was not about to
walk out and see who it was and get paralyzed from the waist down in
a stupid fight.
It was March (when Pacific West was established) that the sickness in the
shopping center really started. By July the shops in the center all
showed signs of drugs and prostitution and I was tipped off by a Tacoma
policeman to clean up my shop.
This garbage had already destroyed my family and my life had been
threatened twice. Sexual handsigns had already started in the shop and
men were walking from Pacific West every 20 to 30 minutes.
I completed my construction job downtown and took over management of the
pet store. By Christmas the garbage had gotten even worse with me in the
shop and my life had been threatened at least twice more in spite of me
telling the police and the narcotics division. My house had been burnt out
from under me and my family so decided to sell the shop and broke the
lease.
Since the shop has been sold, I have been totally harassed by certain
members of the Tacoma police force. I have a good suspicion of the Tacoma
fire department. I am harassed constantly on every job I obtain until I
am fired. I am also receiving threatening phone calls dealing with myself
being shot.
20/20, this is the same group of people, that if my memory serves me right
was investigated in the 70s. This involves all pet stores, body fitness
clubs, and certain elements of the police and fire departments who cover
up the drug and prostitution activities. What has been written is only
the tip of the iceberg.
Sincerely,
Roger P.
[Again: I have this gentleman's full name and address. I also interviewed
him, and believe me - what he has written here IS only the tip of the
iceberg (of his theories).]
---St. Loopy
****
Date: Sun, 9 Jun 91 22:13 PDT
From: FNORD@U.WASHINGTON.EDU
Subject: Call for submissions
[This is a reply to Roger P.'s letter from the President - then
Ronald Reagan. Sounds pretty suspicious to me. Maybe Roger is right.]
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
JAN. 11, 1988
Dear Roger P.:
On behalf of President Reagan, thank you for your message.
The president appreciates the time you have taken to tell him of your
situation. However, the matter you discuss is one over which the Federal
government has no jurisdiction. We can only suggest that you contact your
State government officials, who should be able to help you further.
With President Reagan's best wishes,
Sincerely,
Anne Higgins
Special Asst. to the President
and Director of Correspondence
===========================================================================
News of the Weird
===========================================================================
Date: 10 Jun 91 11:03:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW-- and a special welcome to PJI who is temporarily joining our
happy Weird family
From the chapter "On the Job":
Officials in Jacksonville hired 23 people to work the weekend before Xmas
1989, doing nothing but flushing the 503 toilets at the Gator Bowl to
prevent the stadium's water pipes from freezing.
In Dallas, a 25-yr-old police officer posing as a high school student as
part of an undercover drug operation was nabbed for being tardy & sent to
the principal's office. Told he could choose between a paddling &
detention, the officer was forced to take the spanking because detention
would have interfered with a scheduled drug buy.
2 men had little trouble robbing an armored van in Livonia, MI. They
simply pulled open the van's back doors, which were unlocked &held shut by
rubberbands, which police said the van's security guard used to avoid
going through the trouble of unlocking & locking the doors at each stop.
From the chapter "In Context":
A 1986 report by a U.S. Dept. of Education panel on a history curriculum
designed for students to react to the genocide of Jews during WWII
criticized the content of the curriculum as "unfair" to Nazis & the Ku
Klux Klan. The report stated, "The program gives no evidence of balance or
objectivity."
A Florida assistant attorney general in charge of the criminal division in
the early 1980s, George Georgleff, told a reporter that he knew for sure
the death penalty is a deterrent to murder because visions of the electric
chair once stopped him from continuing to strangle his wife during a
domestic dispute: "I found myself choking her, & I saw her eyes start to
pop out, & suddenly off to the left or the right, I saw the electric
chair."
===========================================================================
Book of Begat
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 10 Jun 91 14:25 PDT
From: FNORD@U.WASHINGTON.EDU
Subject: The book of begat
THE BOOK OF BEGAT, Chapter 1
(1) And OTIS appeared in the land and said to the people gathered
there "Be multiples and fruitify." (2) And then he turned to Spode and
said "Take over for awhile - I'm gonna take a nap." (3) And Spode
chuckled, for he knew that only one man had listened to the words of OTIS
and he was called "Hank of Nicocea," who was reknowned in the land for
being hard-of-hearing. (4) And it came to pass that Hank misheard the
words of OTIS and believed he had been commanded to beget.
(5) So Hank went unto the land of Heyjudea where he found a maiden
named Clem, and he was much smitten with her. (6) "Behold," cried Hank,
"OTIS has commanded us to 'be fruitful and multiply.' Willst thou lay with
me?" (7) But the maiden Clem refused saying, "That's a new one, buddy. Now
get thee hence, lest mine father smite thee."
(8) Hank wept.
(9) But Spode appeared to him in the form of a burning duck, saying
"Weep not, O Hank, for thou art truly blessed. Return thee to the maiden
Clem and ask "What is thy sign?"
(10) "For this is the way to begat thou with her many children who
will carry on thy name and pay tithes to the Church (may it be solvent
forever!)" (11) Thus speaking, Spode returned to the firmament (near
Milwaukee) where all the deities resideth.
(12) So it came to pass that Hank spake the magic words of Spode and
he went in unto Clem.
(13) And they begat Clank, who became reknowned in the land for his
skill at sand hockey. (14) And Clank lived to be 233 years old and begat
100 children who were called "the 100 brats of Clank" and they were as a
salt lick on the land.
(15) Spode chuckled and said unto them, "Divide thyselves evenly
into twelve tribes and set forth to begat in all the earth." (16) And the
100 brats fell to arguing among themselves, for they could see no way to
divide themselves evenly. (17) But then from among them arose Lemur the
Wise, and he pointed to the sky behind them and said, "Hey look, isn't
that OTIS?" (18) And whilst their backs were turned he slew four of his
brothers, and took their wallets.
(19) Now when the other 95 brats looked back they saw four of their
number lying dead on the plain of Babbleon and they were anguished, saying
"What hast thou done? Wretched art thou!" (20) But Lemur explained that
the remaining 96 brats of Clank could now divide evenly into twelve. (21)
And the brats fell to calculating among themselves, and when most of them
agreed that 96 was evenly divisible by 12, they rejoiced and separated
into twelve tribes to begat throughout the earth.
(22) Now Lemur by his deeds was the most blessed by Spode and he
married his cousin Necessity, and they begat Invention. (23) And Invention
begat Ronald, Herb and Mary (of the almost virgin birth). (24) Now Ronald
begat Lucinda, Lili and Frodo and the twelve aborted fetuses of Gilead.
(25) Herb begat Simeon the gardener whose plants made people happy to
smoke. (26) Simeon begat Abraham who begat Isaac.
(27) But it came to pass that Abraham wandered around in the desert
too much and ate strange fungi there. (28) And Abraham had a bad trip one
day and decided that he should kill his son to prove that he was a "Knight
of Faith" to "Jehova - the God who appears if one eats strange fungi in
the desert."
(29) But Spode had mercy on Isaac (who owed him ten bucks) and
convinced Abraham that he really shouldn't slay Isaac, because he wouldn't
even get any life insurance money out of it.
(30) And so the brats of the brats of Clank populated the earth with
their continuous begetting. (31) And they wandered around driving other
people out of their nations so they would have more room to beget. (32)
And they burned heretics and the cults of Amway salespeople who tried to
dwell among them. (33) And they begat children who begat more children,
for begatting was joyous to them. (34) And, for a joke, they began to eat
other living creatures. (35) And they cut down the trees so they would
have more room to begat. (36) And begatting begat begatting and more
begatting.
(37) And more begatting.
(38) And then it came to pass that OTIS awoke and looked upon the
earth and slapped Spode around for lousing it up.
(39) And OTIS said unto the people, "For Christ's sake, use some
condoms, you idiots!" (40) and the multitudes shouted "For WHOSE sake???"
(41) And OTIS said "Erm, never mind."
[Note: This is from the King Fredric the Bald version of the OTISian
Bible, passed unaltered through the hands of twenty nine generations of
Popes and Bishops (of course it was, um.... "retranslated and updated by
every one of them).
----Most recently retranslated and submitted by,
:Saint Loopy:
===========================================================================
Magick of Colors
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 10 Jun 91 22:54:20 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: Complementary Colours (for purps, maybe)
Found this in a book my sister gave me.
Place two lighted candles in front of a screen or white wall. Place a
figure cut out of cardboard (like a devil or your idea of dearest Otis)
between them to produce two black shadows.
If a glass of red wine is placed in front of one candle, the shadow cast
will change to red. The other shadow will seem to have disappeared, but if
you look closely it will in fact have changed to a pale green (the colour
complementary to red.)
If you use a glass of beer, one shadow will appear yellow while the other
will become violet. Substitute with a glass of water coloured with blue
dye and make the other shadow orange.
Oh well, it's an interesting book called "Pentagames," 1990 Pentagram
Design Limited. Simon and Schuster.
shark
/\
===========================================================================
Story Time
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 11 Jun 91 11:20:57 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: Story...
"All of this and nothing"- by JB Schreiter
or
called
"The Nothing Sky"
dedicated to Otis
I'm looking up into the sky, hell I don't know why, but why should you
care, since you're not here with me. My soul is like cajun blackened
fish, raw sweet and bitter. I have nothing.
Next thing I know I'm alone on this huge carrier, no planes, just this
tanker. Everything is here. Everything I see, or saw, remotely
programmed, comes out of my mouth like sound waves rippling through the
air--intake and output. No TV, no VCR to play Bugs Bunny cartoons on, no
BBQ's, no pick up sticks (they make wonderful fire starters), just Yen and
me.
So I'm on this boat, no yacht, just a small craft about 251.3 feet long of
sheer (like pantyhose) steel. I'm sitting, no, I'm standing, cut me some
slack, it's exam week and I don't know where or what the hell I'm doing
anymore. This splotchy bird comes up to me, quite pretty really. Its
flying down and lands on my shoulder while I'm praying to Buddha and Otis.
No blasphemy. I have this agreement with Otis, ever since that dream I
had of fucking him. Otis.
She. This excellent bird. Hear her out, watch her fly. Wings of silver
across the yellow gold sky. She speaks in tongues and hands me this twig
wrapped in twine. Names are places, unlike mine. Her feather spread my
sight from sound (which led to another place, further on down, later on.)
She lands on my blue shoulder, now teal, haven't been outdoors enough, I
con- clude. Her claws do not rip into my shoulder; although they should.
I insulted her once already. Just holding still. Otisian this one. I
didn't need to ask who, already knew. Now before you get all this
biblical imagery in your head, forget it.
(to be continued)
thisx
****
(Silence)
Life slowed to a stop. The wind stopped blowing. The sailboat stopped
sailing breath like icicles, hit the deck, splintering into thousands per
thousand.
Osmosis. Many marine organisms have boyd fluids lower than 5 parts per
thousand. Fluids are enclosed in a semipermeable membrane, allowing h20
to move along them, blocking the passage of salt. Kind of like a sieve
for pasta. Ask Maq[Mal?] for recipes.
to be continued...
****
"...She pauses, glancing, learning, judging..only once
only one direction is accessible..yet two choices to make" I read on
lights flicker in and reflect out, bouncing back. It's simply signed,
"Stewy". P00f! The bird vanishes. NOTHING moves for a second or 15 and
then this glowing light, like, glow-in-the-dark golfballs. This strange
rubbing, biting sensation on my back, skimming off old skin. You can run
you can sail, you can swim the english channel for a dollar, or I'll
give you a dollar to swim the english channel...backwards, you can hide in a
cave on the top of a volcano, sometimes, or you could try pretending to be a
pink-orangey flamingo that walks on water on Good Fridays in April or
get a bottle of Johnny Walker @ noon on no particular day and drink
yourself silly, but your guardian angel can always find you to tell you he
hasn't seen you around lately, not nearly enough :), and that you should
surface more (see line 13 of this story on why you haven't been around.)
Sailing east towards Lake Michigan, it's only one block away. Watery,
whistling Dixie waves, S and P waves too, Big Time, margaritaville. I still
hate that song.
Pure and simple. Like Ivory and water, 99.9 percent dead-heads spewing up
milk toast and old Walker (bad breath, I tell ya), they haven't found their
angels yet. You can't look, they haven't figured that out yet. All that old
stoning and still can't see. I don't feel sorry for them, only regret, this
backrub feels great!
Last time I knew I met the Devil in Otis's shoes, either that or it was the
devil in Miss Jones, but I don't think so. Cloud height-6, 9-if you're upside
down, almost infinite if you're sideways, or by points if you're playing horse-
shoes. What do I know, my eyes were closed, enough porn for one day.
I could smell cloves somedays, rolling at sea. I didn't right now.
The old sea, red, spewing blood from its gullet like thick Afrikan bees
brough up from the south. Migrating for better paying newspapers. They
sell more when they have better stories and better...
CIRCULATION...it's the movement. The ability to carry materials. It's
important to life.
(to be continued)
****
Important to life..aren't we all just a little transparent? Like Shrinky
dinks. remember them? almost as popular as the Brady Bunch... now
Peter, well, I would have fucked him, if he was still young, when I was.
Shrinking too fast.
Capsizing.
I screamed in four different languages. I could have screamed in more but
at the time, I just wasn't thinking too clearly.
Pynocline.
Big strong arms lifted me out of my leaky, bubbling orange water wings.
The pool. It was deep, maybe 3 feet, max. . Complete with an excess of
toes, swishing the cement bottom.
As I looked up into the clear blue sky, the diving board loomed over my
head. At least 2 towers over my head like Rapunzel and the Olympics,
strength in hair or was that Samson. Does this mean that reggae men make
better lovers?
Saved, that I was. Now what is the truth between instincts and thoughts?
I'd rate it a 9.2 dive, wait, that's gymnastics measurement..rather poor
assessment, then again I have nothing.
But isn't that how I started?
(the end)
It's a bit tricky, it's got several twists, all supernatural, we're
dealing with master Otis, you know...symbols and signs are planted all
over. In the ground, of course, what do you mean you couldn't find them.
I saw them...of course I looked. No I'm saying that you
didn't...(whack)...
Pictures, of course I took pictures. Candid shots in fact.
===========================================================================
AND SO IT BEGINS
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 11 Jun 91 20:37:08 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: The Rev Is True In '92
here's how it started.
The Making Of The Revident, 1992
------------------------------------------------------------------------
file begun 8:34 p.m., Tuesday, June 11, 1991
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"<UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>" 11-JUN-1991 12:28:27.15
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: yiff yaff
So there I was on the expressway barreling along at 15 miles an hour on my
bike and up ahead I could smell a plastic horse belching sod and worse,
transporting overland a sinister u-haul containing devices of torture that
promised strange revelations in the days and weeks to come.
The horse's name was October Surprise, and it had a sleek, ad-agency look
to it, GOP tattooed on its flanks with Charmin. I pedaled up alongside and
hurled a tampon at it, tagging it right between the eyes, causing it to
spit nails and varnish and withdraw from the race.
hail OTIS,
da Rev
Pope Jeoffre responds:
Yak Yaff:
Actually Yak's seldom yaff. Preferring to appear "above it all" they sit
quietly in their traditional circles of four, with straight faces, firm
feces, and composed (well, seemingly composed) demeanors. But they are
yaffing inside. Trust us.
In fact, the inner life of the Yak is quite remarkable, telling even. But
I suppose that would be telling and it's really not why I called. So I'll
save those bluer stories for a rainy day, don my pointy cone shaped
"know-it all" cap and inform you (as straight faced, and firm feced, as
any yak) that having dismantled the GOP horse for the next election your
next mission, should you choose to accept it (and frankly I would or this
note might not wait the customary five seconds before destructing) will be
to enter the race your self, bicycle and all and tampons firmly in hand,
as the first ever OTISian candidate for political office.
You are forbidden from having a platform. You are one step better than
the know nothing candidate, for you know the great OTISian political truth:
people will always vote for the candidate stupider than they are in order
to make themselves feel good. And the lesser truth: Politics is bunk.
Good luck. Good will. May OTIS be with you, and if you need help with
the campaign posters, you know you'll never find us.
Good luck again and may OTIS BLESS!
PJI
For more info:
PJI
POB 235
Williamstown, MA 01267-0235
Attn: You son of a bitch! I sent you money three YEARS ago and never got a
response!
===========================================================================
TALES FROM OUR LADY OF THE BLOODY PINKING SHEARS
===========================================================================
Date: Wed, 12 Jun 1991 10:47 EDT
From: UN025537@WVNVAXA.WVNET.EDU
Subject: Re: Gag me with a maggot
hi hi...
i just have to tell you, they are now subjecting me to unspeakably
horrible torture. they dragged me back to pittsburgh and gave me an
EEG and MRI... the first involves having little electrodes glued all over
your face and in your hair. they then measure your brain waves to see
what's going on while a lady barks instructions from another room to open
your eyes, close your eyes, look over here, close your mouth, relax...
she then shines a strobe light into your eyes (they have to remain closed)
and keeps speeding it up. they then did an MRI... this involves putting
you in a large magnet which is stronger than the magnetic poles of the
earth, forcing the electrons in your brain into line, then forcing them out,
then snapping them back into line again. this magnet fits your body just
in it... it's roof was about 1 inch from my nose, and the sides were touching
me. they take photographs of your brain and all... if that isn't enough, after
a while they came in and injected me with 'x-ray fluid' so that they could
see my brain in more contrast... they said it turned my brain into a glowing,
neon mass for around 24 hrs. after they tests were over, they didn't say
anything, only that i could call my doctor in a couple of days. they
were looking fr
oops... for some sort of imbalance, or tumor, that would cause me to act
so abnormal at times... i told them that i wasn't acting abnormal for me...
but they wouldn't listen.
very mysteriously, there were no OTIS elevators in the building, nor drinking
fountains... nothing OTIS at all... i tend to think there is a plot involved.
ta!
Our Lady St. Tif of the Bloody Pinking Shears,
Living Martyr and Guardian of OTISian vengeance
===========================================================================
MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 13 Jun 91 11:09:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the chapter "Medical Milestones":
Doctors worked more than 7 hours to close farm worker Chris Haines' mouth
in Little Thurlow, England, after he had yawned too widely & couldn't get
it closed. Haines could only make gurgling noises during the procedure &
thus could not communicate with doctors.
Forthman Murff, 74, managed to survive an accident in which his head was
nearly severed, dangling by his carotid arteries & the cervical spine, in
Tupelo, MS. He had fallen on a chain saw but managed to throw off the
saw, get up, drive to a hospital (despite a broken leg), & be treated
within an hour of the accident. His windpipe & esophagus were cut clean
through.
From "The World As I See It":
Phil Phillips, author of "Turmoil of the Toybox," believes that Satan is
trying to gain control of children's minds through their toys. Phillips
says that Yoda from "Star Wars" encourages what he sees as the "occult"
beliefs of Zen Buddhism , Taoism, Islam, & Judaism. He also thinks that
the unicorns of "My Little Pony" are symbolic of the Antichrist & that
Care-Bears promote Eastern religious concepts, & he notes that Papa Smurf
uses spells & incantations. To Phillips, Masters of the Universe & He-Man
usurp God's role as the universe's actual master.
St. Louis police arrested a 38-yr-old man for allegedly hitting Sharon
Copeland, 35, with a hammer while she was sunbathing in her back yard.
According to police, the man told her, "I don't like sunbathers." He told
police, "The metric system angers me."
In revenge for England's closing of the Libyan embassy in London, Col.
Muammar el-Qaddafi ordered that England be deleted from all Libyan maps in
the mid- 1980s. In its place was put a new arm of the North Sea, bordered
by Scotland & Wales.
Jurgen Hergert, 44, known as the "King of Snakes," broke his old record
when he sat in a glass cage of snakes for 100 days. Inside the cage were
24rattlesnakes, vipers, puff adders, & cobras. During his stay, one Indian
cobra killed 3 other snakes. While in the cage, he lost 9 lbs. and
averaged only 2 or 3 hours of sleep per night, & his girlfriend called off
their engagement.
===========================================================================
ELVIS IN THE NEWS
===========================================================================
[Once again, the mysterious figure of Elvis make the head lines. As time
goes by more and more people seem to stumble across the truth.]
Date: Fri, 14 Jun 91 00:27:46 -0400
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>
Subject: Elvis Article
To: barker@ACC.FAU.EDU
(This appeared in the Thursday, June 13, 1991, issue of the Syracuse
_Herald-Journal_, on page A-1, next to an article titled "They're just
planets, not UFO's", on Venus, Jupiter, and Mars clustering together in
the sky.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
COME ON, DON'T BE CRUEL! IS ELVIS A FEDERAL WITNESS?
-Arizona Republic
KINGMAN, ARIZ.
For at least a day, Elvis Presley came alive Wednesday as a handful of
"experts" presented evidence, some for the first time in public, that the
hip-swinging star did not die and may have signed his own death
certificate.
The most intriguing theory: Elvis Presley's death was faked Aug. 16, 1977,
and he has since been shielded under the Federal Witness Protection
Program.
The new evidence on what the "experts" called "The Death" was offered to
about 10 die-hard Elvis fans who travelled to Mohave Community College
from as far away as Georgia to hear about the evidence first- hand during
a four-day, two-credit summer course, touted as the first such meeting of
"Elvis experts."
Many of Elvis' fans believe he is still alive. One expert remarked that
sightings of "The King" has become "a national pastime," even to the point
of his being seen in a pizza crust.
"Exhume the body," said Robin Rosaaen, who lives in San Jose, Calif., and
is in charge of public relations for the Elvis Special Photo Association
fan club.
"Do another post-mortem and try to put a stop to the speculation," she
said.
But Elvis is still alive, whether he's walking the earth or not, Rosaaen
said.
"In the spiritual sense, he is around and continues to grow."
===========================================================================
MORE CURSE OF THE CHILD ACTORS
===========================================================================
Date: 14 Jun 91 09:49:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: gee I'm having fun interrupting your work and your attempts to clean
out your mail file...
For Purps, if you deem it worthy:
The plague of former child stars gone bad is spreading! Todd Bridges and
Dana whats-her-name from Different Strokes... Danny from the Partridge
Family had some trouble a while back... and from today's Columbus
Dispatch:
"Actor Adam Rich, 22, pleaded innocent this week to charges of breaking
into a pharmacy. He could receive 6 years in prison if convicted. He is
free on $5000 bail posted by Dick Van Patten, a co-star of Rich's on the
`Eight Is Enough' tv series. Rich is undergoing drug abuse treatment at
an undisclosed location, spokesman Jeff Ballard said."
===========================================================================
MAL SPEAKS ON REV JOHN'S UP COMING RUNNING FOR OFFICE
===========================================================================
[He's the a bunch of my statements regarding the Upcoming presidential
campaign. This also contains various bits of Humpy the Stumpy Bear's
Revelations.]
Hmm the Pope assigned you to run for president. Well it's a dirty job and
someone's got to do it. Have Stewy be your Vice President. I'll be the
first lady. I think I can handle sleding and destroying myself (similar to
skate boarding.)
Any you want me to be manager. Well we better start right now. We need to
get some good catch phrases to start the show going.
"Asparagus in Every Pot!"
"The only good Christian in a Dead Christian"
"A vote for the Rev is a Vote for Otis!"
"Just when you thought it was safe to vote!"
I suppose we'd have to run under the Otisian Party with backing from
various invisible yet powerful sources. Old George Bush will be surfing
with the big boys. I may have to forgo one of my vows and get out the old
death spells and voodou dolls again. Kill off the enemy with magick.
Hmm let's see. We need to create the proper image. Hmmm maybe you need a
get up similar to Ball's from his Dada sound poem readings. You'll need a
big huge metallic pointy hat and a metallic cape.
We'll also have to soup up Stewy. Or maybe she'll do just fine if she just
wears chucks and nothing else. She can draw in the crowds. Still we'll have
to be careful her butt doesn't go falling off.
I'm the first lady so I'm allowed to be rather goofy. I'll have to start
taking dangerous chemicals so I can go berserk on live t.v. Maybe I'll
get my hair bleached white/grey so I'll look the part of the old matronly
type. Hmm have to get some sort of pet. A large gator say..I'm here in
Florida after all. Or maybe a manatee. Or maybe I should get like a
Survival Research Laboratory mechanical pet. A huge steam powered flame
thrower wrecking ball. I can go meet other first ladies and show off my
pet to them.
Hmm then we'll need to paint the White House bright Orange so it can
easily be seen for orbit and turn the front lawn into a KOA camp ground.
We'll boldly wander around without any body guards. We'll claim divine
protection. We'll have to drag the Pope into this somehow. Must be some
place for him. He's unemployed now so he'll need a job. Make him minister
of Defense or Secretary of State.
Then we'll need to get some senators on our side. This will involve drugs
hypnotism, and conversion. We'll need a few thousand Otisian storm trooper
brain washers to win them over to our side.
Of course we can get Shark to write our propaganda for us.
Hmmm anyways we'll have to start with some T.V. commercials. Make sure
Stumpy Bear is prominently displayed along with Chucks. We can start a
fashion craze and win the younger generation vote.
Then we'll need to get on the news and stuff and say very heavy things. I
have some programs that can do this sort of thing. Just get up there and
scare them so bad their butts will fall off. Alien blood sucking freaks
from dimension X well be here soon! Have you people heard of the Subgenii?
Or the Xists! Act now. Point those damn nuke war heads at Pluto where
they'll do some good.... that lot.
Hmm I'll have to go around doing no doubt dopey things. I'll need some huge
flowery dresses to wear and plenty of hats with feathers and birds on
them. I'll probably have to go to schools and meet children which I'll
have to do under heavy sedation since I can't stand them. Or I could
just go berserk. "Lovable First Lady to Be goes berserk and chain saws 20
children" "...later quoted as saying... "thanks to strong gun control
measures I had to use a chain saw instead of a gun. Still it was more
satisfying."
Hmm then they'll put Stewy on the spot light a lot to see if they can drag
her down. Make sure she's sitting down when this happens so her butt won't
fall off. She'll have to be the clean cut saintly one of us because she
hasn't appeared in purps. [well now she has.]
We'll need to prepare some speeches for her. We'll also have to down play
the millions of Chucks bit or risk getting her compared to Immilia
Marcos.
We'll also need to come up with plenty of dirt and embarrassing things to
say about our opponents. This should be easy since I'm sure we can make up
plenty of no doubt believable bold face lies. Maybe some photos too, like
Barbara Bush visiting Nightmare Alley or George Bush and a room full of
cheer leaders (with bars across their eyes of course.)
Then, in order to combat their dirt on us, we'll need to fabricate
tremendous amounts of totally silly material about us. We'll flood the
press with asinine stories about us. All clearly fake. When the real ones
come out no one will believe us.
Hmm well need to get Stewy a sort of second lady. I mean this is america
after all. I don't know who could fill the bill. Someone me, the first
lady could get along with and maybe have a scandal with just to make
things interesting.
Hmm now for voters. Well the Chucks craze will sweep the younger members.
IT's easy to deal with the Xian vote. We'll get rapture to happen before
voting time and we'll be rid of them. Minorities may be a problem, we'll
have to work on that.
We'll also need a large bright green winnabago to travel the country to
campaign. It has to be something really big so we can cover it with bumper
stickers. It also should be slow so we can drive on narrow roads and block
traffic for miles. We'll hire some down and out colleges students to ride
behind us on bicycles and hand out leaflets to all the slow traffic.
Since you're going to Gencon you can announce your campaign. Just climb up
on the platform when old Egghead is speaking and steal the show. Wave a
TUO around and say you've got Lord Cthulhu on your side.
As for you, we'll play up the Reverend Image. A noble crusader who wants
to bring america onto the wide play ground of Otis (as opposed to the
narrow road of Christianity.). We'll have to dress you like some sort of
priest in a black suit. We want power colors here. No whimpy powder blue.
You'll have to bear the brunt of the attack from the enemy, but Stewy and
I will stand SHoulder to shoulder with you. If all else fails I can always
go berserk which should be a real crowd pleaser. Chain saw and flower
print dress chopping up t.v. cameras and reporters.
We'll have to come up with a set of positions you stand on. Each week we'll
need to change them drastically. This will encourage the reporters to pay
lots of attention to us. One key phrase you'll need to use a lot when they
call you on some hair brained position you just decided to change is:
"well what I really meant..."
Of course we'll use some electronic counter measures at the appropriate
moment so they'll get blasts of static on their equipment. You speeches
will come out all garbled and the reporters will have to make up some sort
of good sounding substitute.
It almost might be a wise idea to look into the gimick of now being able to
be photographed. I.E. they take your pix but there's nothing there. We can
play up the vampire horror business that's popular now.
We can get you shaking hands with Clive Barker say.
Well that will do for a start.
******
Our colors should be something memorable like Bubble Gum and Asparagus.
Our first political statements will be:
The Drinking age should be raised to 65 so that senior citizens will have
something to look forward to.
"Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition" should be sung in schools along
with the nation anthem.
Mandatory Drug Testing for all Drug Dealers.
Money should be set aside to investigate Crop Circles and the New Jersey
Devil.
Denny's should give free dinners to visiting heads of state.
All dryers must play "How Dry I am" while they dry clothes.
The Official Dance of the white house will be "The Hoochie Choochie"
Censoring Bugs Bunny Cartoons will be made illegal.
****
I was showing Humpy the Stumpy Bear _Roadside America_ yesterday and
something caught her fancy in the religious nut section.
She'd like a little bathtub shrine to receive her devoted follower in.
The mystical shape of the tub, along with some clever applications of
glitter, tin foil, stick on holograms, and paint will focus the
worshippers attention on her if she is place in the center of the Mandala.
She has come to realize that due to her stature she may not always cut the
most awesomely holy figure. Therefore she needs to surround herself with
objects that will draw attention to her.
This bathtub shrine (tub stood up on end) should contain wheels for easy
moving around. You can take it to the terminal room when on duty and set it
up in a proper place so those entering will be able to see her and become
in awe.
A collection box will also be necessary. Something for her and a
large container to help Commodore Presely. (She will be getting a
commission of anything the Commodore Receives). She is most alarmed by the
lack of support on peoples part to help stop the forces of the Antichrist.
She also suggests that you monkey with the header page that comes out of
the printers so important religious material can be printed on it. She
also agrees that you can put your political statements on it as well, as
long as they are tastefully done.
**********
Boy Humpy continues to make herself valuable. If placed near a computer all
work done on that computer immediately speeds up by 100%.
When placed near a smoking person (you can try this with Stewy, but she'll
have to chain smoke to give this a really good test.) Stumpy Bear will
case all cigarette smoke to disappear as if it did not exist. I assume
this minor miracle is because Stumpy does not want her Unborn Child to be
effected by such things.
If place near Mal weird things begin to come out of him mind like off
kilter political statements.
If place near Sam Hill, Stumpy behaves like an aphrodisiac( or how ever
you spell it.)
If Stumpy if Placed next to a very large fat person she will seem even
small. Another miracle.
If placed next to an ant or a match head, suddenly Stumpy seems awful big
in comparison.
Also it was witness on a day of a very bad thunderstorm lightning hit all
the building around this build. Stumpy repels lightning. Plastic was
always a poor conductor.
This poor conductor business could also explain why Stumpy's Kazoo like
powers are lacking. [hey kids it's like a pun get it?????]
However, it could be this kazoo business, could be similar to the Sword in
the Stone deal, where only the proper chosen one can blow through Stumpy
and produce divine noise. Or make it's an ultrasonic like a god Whistle.
Question is what does it call?
********
Important events to attend:
"Drag Races" (Be sure to always shake the hand of the winner. Smile a lot,
look like you enjoy yourselves.)
"Halloween Parties" (Wear outrageous cultural icon costumes. Speedy the
Alka-seltzer kid, James Brown, John Travolta, Luke SkyWalker, Jerry
Falwell, The Tidy Bowl man, the fruit of the loom guys, Sandy Dunken, Soap
Opera Stars, Star Trek Crew (both old and new), Game Show hosts, famous
politicians, New Kids on the Block, Teen age Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Transformers. You need a costume that will draw attention to yourself
while a the same time upping some popular cultural thing so people will
think your like or endorse it. Perhaps a theme could be created for
everyone attending. The Star Trek crew would work great. People can
identify the Otisians with strong heroic figures. Or dress as mount
Rushmore. You get the idea.)
"Beauty Contest" (Be sure to steal the show from the MC. Ask important
Otisian questions of the contestants. In fact enter it.)
"Barbecues" (A good way to meet the blue collar voter and have a good meal
besides. Wear something washable. Barbecue sauce can get messy.)
"Swap Meets"(Wander around and buy stuff for the Otisian Party. Keep the
enemy wonders when you bring home floor lamps, old baseball hats, stamp
collections, and badly patched innertubes.)
"Masonic Initiation Ceremony" (Really play this one up. If they complain
just go "Hey like George is like a Skull and Cross Bones so why can't I be
a Mason?")
"Space Shuttle Flights" (Be sure to bring a camera for action shots and a
big net to catch anything that might fall off. The space program will have
to become an import arm of the government seeing as it's really neat and
you need to be the first party in Orbit.)
"Wrestling Matches" (Show the public you're just like the average joe.
Scream and yell a lot. Bet heavily on the outcome. Shake hands with all
your favorites. Be sure they are everyone else's favorites. Offer to go a
round with one or two of them just to show the crowd what your made of.)
"Funerals" (The Presidents job is to wipe citizens noses once and a
while. So here's a good place to get practice. Be sure to feel sorry and
console them poor survivors. Always slip in the idea that "If they'd only
voted for President Rev, their Dear departed relative would be with us
today".)
"Tobacco Auctions" (A good place to wear bib overalls)
Shows to appear on:
"The Paul Harvey Show" (Great show for good americans. If you can get Paul
Harvey to endorse the Otisians about 50% of america will vote for you.)
"Larry King" (Appear on UFO night and astound the T.V. views with amazing
facts.)
"Saturday Night Live" (be sure to refuse to be on it at the very last
minute for some obtuse political reason.)
"Days of our Lives" (one of the few ways to reach the home bound voters is
to appear on their Favorite Soap Opera.)
"David Letterman" (just send a video tape of you. Everyone appears on David
Letterman so there is little appeal to you being there in person.)
"20/20" (A good chance to expose corruption or create all those outrageous
rumors for yourself or the enemy.)
"America Funniest Home Videos" (create a funny video teaching important
Otisian Lessons)
"Nova" (A paranormal Investigation of Humpy the Stumpy Bear)
More political Platforms:
Make Yaks the national Animal.
Install Otis elevators in the white house.
Make Doc Savages Birth Day an official Holiday.
Adopt goofy foreign customs for the white house. Not wearing shoes indoors,
siesta time, folk dancing on the front lawn, animal sacrifices, and arcane
greetings with many flourishes and hand gestures.
Install a water slide in the capital dome. It's just a big empty space
anyways. Politicians can use it to cool off.
Mandatory drug testing for all senators.
McDonalds Gift Certificates instead of Food Stamps.
Okay enough silly lists for now.
****
Blessed are the wet for they shall be made dry.
Blessed are the people of small statue for they shall be given platform
shoes to stand on.
Blessed are the confused, for they have less to worry about.
Blessed are the followers of Stumpy for they shall be entertained.
Blessed are the ignorant for they shall see the light of Humpy the Stumpy
Bear.
Blessed are the barefoot for they shall receive Chucks.
Blessed are the buttless for theirs shall never fall off.
Blessed are the lazy for they shall be given welfare.
Blessed are the gullible for they are easily fooled.
Blessed are the fools for they shall be hosed in the coming of times.
Blessed are the Popes for they shall receive pointy hats.
Blessed are the road hogs for they shall inherit a bullet between their
eyes.
Blessed are the meek for their lives will be ordered around by others.
Blessed are the shoeless for they are blessed with not having the task to
tie them.
Blessed are the cute for their faces will end up on cuddly toys.
Blessed are the speechless for they shall be given the gift of tongues.
Blessed are the gasoline drinkers for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are the lonely for they shall receive junk mail.
Blessed are the childless for their life shall be one of fewer expenses.
****
In order to further our campaign it appears to be necessary to start a
merchandising campaign. We need to create a craze similar to the Teen Age
Mutant Ninja turtles. Movies, action figures, comics, and guest appearances
in malls.
Humpy the Stumpy Bear in her infinite wisdom has suggested we create a life
size costume of Stumpy so that the children will have something to focus
on. Note the success of Smokey the Bear [an old smokey the bear costume with
various alterations might indeed server as a Stumpy costume.] or the
san diego chicken. Or Even Big Bird.
This life size Stumpy Icon can tour the country spreading joy. We can send
some of our clown attired Secret Service Men out to pass out candy.
Also to get Stumpy in really good she'll need a appearance on Sesame Street
where she can has a philosophical debate with Kermit the Frog. "It's not
Easy Being Green vs. It's not Easy Being" [We'll get Stewy to write some
stuff for this debate since she seems to be the Philosophy expert at this
time.]
Now that we have action figures [ranging in size from the g.i. joe kind, to
the barbie doll size, to the jumbo big as the kid stuffed cuddly kind.]
we'll have to invent some villains for them to fight. Probably the easiest
solution to this would be to use those old bad Otisian Gods no one ever
talks about.
Perhaps the problem with the Otisian faith, is people are not scared enough
by the bad old gods. We need to bring them to the forefront.
Since the trend lately with cartoons is to have moral lessons, we'll have
to put some in our Stumpy the Humpy Bear Otisian Action Cartoons. We'll get
Pope Jephe to do the voice over for the moral lessons since after all he's
a respected Holy Figure and should know about morals.
Moral Lessons:
"If we'd only voted for Rev John they planet wouldn't have gotten blown
up."
"Those silly Christians spend all our tithe money on must old building
while the Otisians Passed out Candy and Toys to all the good little boys
and girls."
"I'm bullet proof if I believe in Otis"
"Humpy the Stumpy Bear is always right"
"Everything Forbidden is Optional"
"It's always fun until someone pukes"
"My parents will love me more if I demand a complete line of President Rev
action toys."
Now as far as for Mall appearances, we'll need some sort of stage set up
and the jumbo Stumpy Costume for the kiddies. For the adults we'll have
like strippers and freak show. We'll turn it into an old time medicine
show and carnival, where the real Stumpy will be displayed and heal the
sick. We'll need to start recruiting hopeless terminal cases now to cure.
The more gruesome the better.
It also might be nice to have some rides. Like and Official Otisian
Elevator Ride that both causes pleasure from use along with enlightenment.
Also with this Mall appearance we can start out national Debt Drive
campaign where we try to remove the national debt by getting rid of all
the money wasters in power.
My sources also tell me it might be nice to have a collection bin for the
Commodore Elvis too.
If these plans are carried out successfully we'll need to be ready to deal
with any opposition. No doubt there will be plenty because those
participating will no doubt be having too much fun for their own good, in
the eyes of the enemy. We'll need to put the Sportz Coat Clad Storm
Troopers on hand, to gently, but firmly deal with any opposition.
Another thing that comes to mind about fighting the opposition is our need
to start, or continue to start the misinformation campaign, so that our
opponents will be so swamped with goofy bad stuff about us, the public
won't believe any real dirt the get on us. Perhap a slide show at the mall
or a glossy brochure of use doing 'bad stuff' would be nice to have.
Now is a good time to also look for various endorsements. One group we
should try to get endorsement from is the cast of "The Magnificent Seven".
Well that ought to keep you folks busy with you thinking caps for the
moment.
"Wild in the Streets"
--Mal
===========================================================================
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 17 Jun 91 10:50:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the chapter "Thanks for Nothing":
The town of Grantham, NH, which had 2 streets named Stoney Brook, changed Stoney
Brook Drive to Old Springs Drive & Stoney Brook Lane to Old Springs Lane.
A 22-yr-old female cab driver in San Francisco who was raped at gunpoint in her
cab was fired for not screening her customers carefully enough. "I can't afford
to take any chances," her boss, Guey Wong, told her in front of a reporter. "I'm
lucky the cab wasn't hurt. You might endanger my insurance, you might increase
my rates."
In Laurel Park, NC, a 25-yr-old man was charged with the ax murder of his mother
a month after she posted $10,000 to bail him out of jail on a charge of killing
his stepfather.
Randy Myer, city public information director of Lexington, KY, paid $400 for a
set of steel-belted tires designed to be bulletproof, bombproof, & spikeproof,
then he had a flat after running over a ballpoint pen. "It still wrote," Myer
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Steph
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu "In every jumbled pile of person there's
kleinsr@marcus.kenyon.edu a thinking part that wonders what the part
that isn't thinking isn't thinking of."
Stephanie Klein --They Might Be Giants
123 S. Madison
LaGrange, IL 60525
===========================================================================
CAMPAIGN CLIPPINGS
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 91 15:52:23 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: one more time h
June 10, 1991
POPE OF OHIO CULT CONVENES CONVENTION
Kenyon, Ohio (AP) Pope Geoffre, or Jeffrey, or however he chooses to spell
his name this week, of the OTIS cult group announced the beginning of a
new phase of the human race's destiny today. Before a group of addled
followers he announced that in the next few days he would make a startling
announcement that will change the world. "In the next few days, I will
make a startling announcement that will change the world," Pope Geffray
said. The remark came at the beginning of a weekend summit and revival,
which attracted almost a handful of followers. Others were scheduled to
meet with the Ohio-based Cult of OTIS via electronic mail.
June 12, 1991
NEW PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ANNOUNCED
member of obscure Ohio-based religious group Columbia, Missouri (AP) The
Reverend John Tynes, a 20-year-old Journalism student at the University of
Missouri-Columbia yesterday announced his candidacy for the Presidential
race of 1992. The Reverend John, a member of several religious groups
including the Universal Life Church of Modesto, California and the Church
of the SubGenius of Dallas, Texas, pledged to run on the OTISian ticket,
sponsored by the OTIS religious group of Kenyon, Ohio. Pope Joferey, one
of the OTISians' leaders, commanded the Reverend John in an emotional
message given to OTISian followers this weekend at the group's Ohio
compound. "Your mission.. will be to enter the {1992 Presidential} race
yourself, bicycle and all and tampons firmly in hand, as the first ever
OTISian candidate for political office," said the Pope. While some of the
message's text was unclear in meaning - specifically the references to a
bicycle and tampons, said to refer to a religious vision - the outcome was
not so. The Reverend John immediately announced his candidacy. Riding in
a crop duster swooping through downtown Columbia, Missouri, Rev. Tynes was
joined by the OTISian vice-presidential candidate, Kimberlee K. Stewart,
another Journalism student at the University. The two showered onlookers
with bags of rice purchased from a bankrupt local chuch and
Vice-Presidential candidate 'Stewy' Stewart threw boxes of athletic shoes
from the craft. Other members of the party were yet to be announced.
After making the unusual commencement remarks, which were rendered largely
unintelligible by faulty equipment, the two traveled to the Democratic
Party leadership retreat in upstate New York, supposedly to attempt a
last-minute effort at reconciling the Democrats with the OTISians. The
OTISian group is little known outside its members, but is said to be a
loosely-affiliated organization whose goals and beliefs may take some time
to sort out.
June 17, 1991
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL SUMMIT DISRUPTED
yachting senators harassed by strange craft Hyannisport, NY (AP) At a
weekend summit to plan strategy for the 1992 Presidential campaign,
democratic party leaders were interrupted by the arrival of candidates
from another party altogether. Rev. John and Stewy Stewart arrived on the
backs of six large white people chosen at random by raffle from a nearby
shopping mall. Forcibly entering the summit conference room, the two were
quickly hauled out and jailed for disturbing the peace and reckless
endangerment, as the six white people were suffering from heat exhaustion
and consumer deprivation. At the summit, the pair shouted slogans over
poor equipment. Reports at the scene differed, but the slogans may have
contained ones such as 'Spag cheese stump butt', 'Hucks ool free hirth',
and probably 'No new taxes.' In a possibly related incident, Democrat
party senators out on a fishing trip met with a strange encounter when
their boats were rocked from below by an unknown force. 'It felt like an
invisible submarine was popping up underneath us,' said an outragously
drunk Ted Kennedy. U.S. Coast Guard officials on the scene declined to
comment on the incident or even their presence, but rumors spread that
they were hunting for drug traffickers. A few of the senators even
claimed to have heard music playing during the strange assault. "As god
is my witness, I swear I could hear someone singing 'Viva Las Vegas' from
underwater. It was kind of bubbly and muted. Damnedest thing I ever
heard," said Sen. Paul Simon, D-Ill., as he molested a page.
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-SUBINK 1991
