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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 2 Issue 35
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 35
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Greetings and welcome once again to another exciting issue of Purps. I
really don't know what to call this issue. Sad to say, we have no blatant
Otis material this time. All of it is very subtle and hidden. For the new
subscribers it may be a real challenge to find anything. Fear not however,
Otis is there!
We recently received yet another missive from the Pope. Here's bits and
pieces of what he said for those who missed it:
"...Due to our financial situation it will no longer be possible for us to
mail out the next OTISian Directory (out by 2/15 we mean it this time) for
free to everyone on the list. In fact, at this point it won't even be
possible to mail complimentary copies to everyone we review (we may end up
just doing "tear" sheets, which would be unfortunate).
"...As you know, the normal price of a Directory is $2.50/issue
($8.00/yr/four issues, $14/8 issues, $50/life). To guarantee your copy,
what we need from you AT A MINIMUM is a 8 /1/2 by 11" (or larger) envelope,
self addressed to you with $0.85 worth of postage on it. WITHOUT AT LEAST
THAT, WE CANNOT PROMISE YOU A COPY. [This special envelope deal, below the
$2.50 may only apply to those on "the list". You should know who that is.
For the rest of you it's probably $2.50. With all the recent problems of
Fact Sheet Five. This my be one of your better sources of information.]
"If SASE's aren't your thing then we have to ask for a minimum $1.00 (US
contribution).
"Obviously, people who give more will only receive a copy but may even get
it mailed to them first class, and will certainly be beloved in OTIS's
sight. Contributions of more than the single issue price of $2.50 will keep
the contributor on the mailing list for quite some time. Anyone who finds
it in their heart to give more than $10 will receive a complimentary
canonization, complete with a mailing dedicated to them and Official House
Documents certifying such...."
Other news I suppose is we have to get organized here. There are some bits
of Otisian material that I've not thrown in this issue because they have
been misplaced in the huge barrages of mail I have to sort through.
Another problem we are having at the moment is a lack of blatant Otisian
submissions. All our story writers seem to have up and quit with us and
things are a bit hectic at the Submarine Pens at present to compose. Fear
not. We'll try to make the next issue better.
Special thanks this issue goes to Lulu who made dire threats if I did not
have this issue out on time.
As usual copies of Purps are available from quartz.rutgers.edu in the
/pub/purps directory or from HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu. From what I
gather the Rev still have a few issues of "By the Balls of Brow" You might
want to snatch up a copy before it's too late.
To order: send the Rev $3 cash, check, money order, whatever, as
follows...
Pagan Publishing
c/o Rev. John Tynes
1409 Wilson Ave.
Columbia, MO 65201
Make checks/MO's payable to Rev. John Tynes
####===================================================================####
NOTW (Post office speaks its mind.)
####===================================================================####
[Yes even though she is off the net, the original NOTW woman takes time out
of her hectic life to scour the worlds papers looking for NOTW.] From:
Steph Klein (Somewhere at large in the world).
Yawn: Marla forgives
Not to worry, Marla maples and Donald Trump are together --again. "It was
blown out of proportion," said the Trumpmeister of their reported midnight
battle in a Washington hotel lobby last weekend. Throwing her shoes at the
Deal Artist was a "gesture of love," she said, adding: "It really was not a
fight ... The next morning we went to church together and spend the day ...
Christmas shopping, ... We're still together and very, very happy." They
appeared Monday night at the New York premiere of Barbara Streisand's movie
"The Prince of Tides," and, yes, Maples was sporting that 7 1/2-carat
diamond worth $250,000 she also had thrown at him. Meanwhile, Ivana Trump
is flashing a diamond ring gift from beau Ricardo Mazzuchelli that is 2 1/2
carats heavier than he one Maples wears. "I mustn't say if it's an
engagement ring," said The Donald's ex-wife.
***
Sign Language: Sign on a United Airlines plane: "If you are sitting in an
exit row and you can't read this card or cannot see well enough to follow
these instruction, please tell a crew member." The sign is printed in six
languages as a further help for those who can't read or see.
***
Happy new old year: Somebody at Brea, Calif., post office apparently hated
to see the year end. That's the best reason we can think of for a "Dec. 32,
1991" postmark on a letter mailed from there.
***
Merry Christmas you *&%$#@ By Bob Greene
Warning: This column contains language that may offend some readers.
On the other hand, the offensive language is the same language that the US.
Postal service inadvertently printed on thousands of envelopes containing
Christmas cards.
Here's what happened:
At the Main Post Office on Twin Rivers Drive in Columbus, Ohio, on Dec. 7,
a technician was checking a machine called an Optical Character Reader. The
machine is vital to the post office's automated processing and sorting
operations.
To check on whether the machine was working right, the technical had to
type a code phrase onto a computer screen. In the midst of fixing the
machine, the technician was called to work on another problem in the post
office. He thought he had deleted the code phrase.
He hadn't.
So as thousands of Christmas cards rolled through the postal machinery, the
stamps in the upper-right-hand corners of the envelopes were canceled with
the Columbus postmark. That's he usual procedure.
What wasn't usual was that the code phrase the technical had forgotten to
delete was also printed on the envelopes. Which might not have been so bad,
except that code phrase was "You Bitch."
"I'm afraid that's so," said Ed Johnson, director of marketing and
communications for the Columbus post office. "Those were the words on the
envelopes. They appeared right above the postage stamps. The words were
quite readable -- they were about the type size of words in a story in a
daily newspaper."
The Columbus post office processed 5 millions pieces of mail that night.
But the unfortunate code words were printed only on envelopes that were
routed through one machine
"The machine was one that handled only envelopes that were 5 1/4 inches
tall or taller," Johnson said. "Exactly the kind of envelopes that
Christmas card come in."
Postal employees, glancing at the out going mail, realize that they had a
predicament.
"But we didn't notice until most of the envelopes had already gotten
though, and had those words on them," Johnson said. "They were on their way
to destination all over the U.S. We couldn't stop them."
Postal employees in Columbus did their best to minimize the damage. "We
took black Magic Markers and blotted out the words on as many envelopes as
we could," Johnson said. "But that wasn't really very many envelopes. We
estimate that as many as 12,00 envelopes went out with those words on
them."
If anyone assumes that the technician's code phrase was the technicians
personal insult to criticize of the female gender, those people assume
wrong, Johnson said.
"'You Bitch' was not this technician's personal log-on phrase, or
anything," Johns said. "This is really strange, but as best can determine,
'You Bitch' is the phrase that technicians from post office all across the
country were taught to type into the computer to check a specific function
of this machine.
"Apparently an independent contractor had trained the technicians that if
they wanted to be sure the ink jets were clear and spraying on this
particular kind of machine, those were the words that would trigger the
diagnostic process. So this wasn't just one guy, and he wasn't trying to
make any kind of point or display any questionable humor, as far as we can
tell. He was just typing in the words he had been taught to get the job
done."
The Columbus post office knew there was no way the mistake was going to go
unnoticed: "You could read the words really, really clearly," Johnson said.
So advisory notices were sent out around the country, so that all 30,000
post offices in the United States would know who to respond to complaints
from local residents who might receive the envelopes from Columbus.
"And obviously, that code phrase is going to be changed nationwide,"
Johnson said.
Have people flooded the Columbus Post office with complains?
"Not as many as you'd think, "Johnson said. "Some people call who are just
curious. Some are angry and want the head of the guy who was responsible.
And some want to pay us money to print obscene slogans of their choosing."
Many people at the post office feel sympathy for the technician, who didn't
do it on purpose. And all the people around the country who received the
envelopes with the startling printed slogan, Johnson said the Columbus post
office wishes to offer a message:
"We didn't mean that. What we really meant to say was, 'Merry Christmas.'"
####===================================================================####
FINAL EXIT II
####===================================================================####
Date: 14 Jan 92 00:13:00 EST
From: "MICHAEL S DOW" <DOW@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Werewolves--Tired of undergoing a painful and terrifying
transformation every damn time the moon is full? Are you utterly fed up
with gypsy curses, strange dreams, torchbearing lynch mobs, waking up with
torn clothes, indigestion, and smelling of zoo's wolves cage, tying
yourself to chairs and locking yourself in cages, strange marks on your
palms, and coughing up hairballs at awkward moments and having to find a
flee collar that fits? I thought so. For you, there are two big options.
First, you could shoot yourself with silver bullets. I do not recommend
this option, because not only is it an ugly and difficult death, which will
be hard on your loved ones, both at the funeral and at the drycleaners, but
also it is rather difficult to acquire silver bullets. You can, of course,
make them yourself, but not only is this a time consuming and expensive
process, there are also two other important concerns: first, while the
actual shell may be simple to make, getting the proper amount of gunpowder
in the casing can be tricky. You might use too little and get the bullet
jammed in the barrel, or you might use too much, in which the case the gun
will explode probably maiming you severely but not actually crippling you.
Second, you are probably now highly allergic to silver, means you will find
it almost impossible to work with. And besides, in wolf form, you probably
won't have fingers anymore, thus making suicide vastly more difficult. You
could get a friend, but what if he or she is a bad shot? You could maul
them before they could finish you off, thus not only scotching the suicide
attempt, but also infecting your friend with your hideous disease as well.
By far the best solution is to buy some wolvesbane, and administer
that intravenously. It's slow and painful, but it's the best I can do for
you. If you have got a better idea on how to kill yourself, you mangy
freak, I advise you try it, and quit skulking around my trashcans!
***
Swamp Things: being an intelligent vegetable desperately trying to recover
your humanity can be more than some people can bear, especially when your
nearest and dearest run screaming from the stinking mass of weeds, slime,
rotting limbs, and bugs and leeches that you have become. (eeyuh!)Suicide
may come to seem the best option, especially when most counselors, careful
to preserve the relaxed, cleanly friendliness of their offices, won't let
you into it. And, of course, they refuse to make swamp-calls.
How to do it: You have limited options. Your vegetable body regenerates
at an incredible rate, and in any event it's pretty pointless to try and
kill a plant by shooting it in the head. You also have to take into
consideration factors that do not apply to the others in this section, most
of whom are still in some sense mammals. As a plant, you play a crucial
role in earth's ecology. You cannot take the obvious solution of simply
dousing yourself with kerosene and lighting a match, as that would spew
harmful greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, thus causing grievous harm to
the environment, and endangering your loved ones, not all of whom may
regard you as a revolting slime-heap.
For the same reason, you can't douse yourself in paraquat (or Agent
Orange, if you have government contacts) as that releases harmful toxins
that could poison the drinking supply and kill some perfectly innocent
people, besides the local villagers who always seem to be out hunting you
with torches. For that matter, you can't just lock yourself away in a dark
room and until the lack of photosynthesis kills you. This is just like
starving yourself to death (if you weren't a disgusting heap of slime) and
is a long, drawn-out, and ultimately traumatic process for all involved.
No, the best answer for Swampies like you is to find an organic gardening
commune which makes its own compost. There, surrounded by those friends and
loved ones who can stand the sight and/or smell of you, you may make your
tearful farewells before casting yourself into their compost grinder. It's
a quick process, and painless since you have no nerve-endings, and
completely environmentally friendly. Your remains get tilled into the soil
to feed an entire garden, and in turn feed a number of deserving people.
If your friends are smart, they can bargain themselves a discount on
produce because of your self-sacrifice.
####===================================================================####
THE AMAZING WORLD OF SPODE!
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1992 21:36 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: Some HK Blurbs
South China Morning Post - 21 October 1991
_Cunningham_
"The idea is to be completely honest. If you smoke, you will die. I am the
tobacco industry's worst nightmare."
-Businessman B.J. Cunningham describing a new, Dutch-made brand of
cigarettes called "Death", which he launched in London to protest against
what he calls the hypocrisy of the tobacco industry.
#####
A great idea, but I suspect they will sell well. -Spode
***
South China Morning Post - 23 January 1992
_Condom Raid_
BOGOTA: Seven heavily-armed men broke into a Bogota warehouse, locked
the staff in a bathroom and stole half-a-million condoms. Colombian
police are hunting for well-dressed gunmen with automatic weapons.
*****
Are strip searches planned? -Spode
***
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 22 October 1991
_Beer Money_
[stuff deleted]
The doomster [Mark Faber, aka Doctor Doom -ed] was encouraged by a
recent report that Grolsch sales in the US had risen 12.2 per cent so
far this year compared to last year.
A marketing angle being considered is that Grolsch is the only
beer name you can still pronounce however drunk you are.
You try saying "Czechoslovakian Pilsner Urguell" after eight pints.
"Chek Pilsh ... er, Shek Bilge ... er, gimme a Grolsch."
***
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 15 January 1992
_Guns and Roses_
People keen on active holidays should definitely consider going
to China this year
Beijing will hold a "Sound of Peace shooting competition with
Chinese military weapons", we read in _Bei Fang_ magazine.
Boom. Pow. Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang! Yes, you can really get
into those sounds of peace.
***
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 30 March 1991
[stuff deleted]
Stranger still was a heart pacemaker advertised in Australia recently
as "the only pacemaker with a lifetime guarantee".
This is a good marketing angle. There is a glorious logic to it.
***
_Sunday Morning Post Magazine_ - 12 January 1992
The prize for the most unexpected suggestion on radio goes to dear
old Teresa Norton on FM Select. For those hapless ladies who suspect
their men of infidelity, the fearless DJ recommended that they smell
their mates' underwear for giveaway signs. Coming soon: Teresa's tips
for incontinence.
***
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 16 January 1992
_Sperm Count_
The average paid for human sperm is US$50, according to _US News &
World Report_. The average price paid for prized bull sperm is US$250.
Puts one in one's place.
***
South China Morning Post - 23 January 1992
_In Brief_
Timex used a man in drag for a commercial about a woman so ugly
she can stop a clock. The Bob Hoskins look-alike shatters a mirror,
a pair of glasses and a bus window on a shopping trip. When she enters
a store, TVs, lights and a wristwatch display explode. Picking an
undamaged Timex from among the shattered watches, she stares at it
with no effect. Then her mug breaks the camera lens.
***
Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1991 12:13:55 EDT
Subject: Power Breakfast
Talking of t-shirts, I picked up one that's a Gary Larson look-alike
which has a cow strapped to the wall by it's front legs, udder hanging
pitifully....and there's this muscled bloke in leather with a whip
in his raised hand and the caption reads:
"The horrible truth behind whipped cream."
It's a scream.... :)
Manohar
####===================================================================####
St. Nick
####===================================================================####
[Like a dead horse we seem to continue to flog away at this. Does anyone
happen to have any Valentine stuff?]
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1992 21:48 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: Some final xmas bits...
Info-IBMPC Digest Thu, 20 Dec 91 Volume 91 : Issue 302A
Today's Editor:
Gregory Hicks - Rota Spain <GHICKS@WSMR-Simtel20.Army.Mil>
Today's Topics:
St Nick (AKA: Santa)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Dec 1991, 15:59:00 GMT
From: Gregory Hicks - Rota Spain <ghicks@wsmr-simtel20.army.mil>
Subject: St Nick (AKA: Santa)
The following message was received from a major US military
headquarters located somewhere in Europe and cannot be confirmed or
denied due to the nature by which the message was obtained.
I provide it to the readership in general due to it's time sensitive
nature.
Gregory Hicks
Editor
QUOTE
1. Recent satellite imagery of the northern latitudes has revealed an
unusually high level of activity at the North Pole. While all source
intelligence has not positively identified the cause of the activity,
preliminary analysis indicates the presence of numerous elves and reindeer
and one rather rotund person dressed in red and sporting a long white
beard.
2. We have alerted all intelligence commands of this activity. While no
flight plan has yet been files, communications intercepts indicate an
intention for southbound flight operations to commence early evening on 24
December - Christmas Eve.
3. We will continue to track this unusual activity. As the expected date
for operations approaches, we will increase monitoring and provide updated
information to all commands and homes.
4. We feel this information is of special interest to younger family
members. Request you alert all children under your care. Again, while
all-source confirmation has not yet been received, expert analysts tend to
support the theory that this activity is associated with Santa Claus.
5. To all of you in this holiday season, Merry Christmas.
/s/ Admiral ...
UNQUOTE
------------------------------
End of Info-IBMPC Digest V91 #302A
**********************************
-------
***
"It is a little-known fact that the following Christmas the weather was
just fine and the reindeer immediately went back to treating Rudolph like a
second-class citizen." -The Christmas Pessimist
####===================================================================####
BRIEF WEIRDNESS
####===================================================================####
From: gateh%CONNCOLL.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 92 10:17:57 EST
Subject: brief weirdness
Heard a story on CBS News Radio out of NY the other day about an old blues
artist who died recently. Apparently he was playing a gig in a club in
Minneapolis, MN, when, after completing a song titled something like "What
else is there left to do now?" the singer collapsed on stage and died.
On a more personal note, I've noticed some interesting things while driving
around the area. Pulling into a parking space facing a small pickup truck,
I got a good chuckle when I noticed that one corner of the front bumper had
been smashed in along with a "Shit Happens" bumper sticker, which appeared
to have taken the brunt of the collision. Similarly, there was for some
time a "CAUTION: LOW OVERHANG" sign on an area bridge which had had its
bottom sheared off.
Upward and onward... HAIL OTIS! - Gregg
Gregg TeHennepe | Academic Systems Coordinator
BITNET/CREN: gateh@conncoll | Connecticut College, New London, CT
####===================================================================####
STATE OF THE UNION
####===================================================================####
[Yes contrary to popular opinion the IRC preach-o-rama still exits on
occasion. Below is a transcript from during that memorable state of the
union address. Memorable in that it's all been said before.) ]
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 23:04:17 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: The State of the Union
As you all know, the President has just given his state of the union
speech. For those of you who missed it, a play by play follows:
*** Gruntpig has joined channel #purps
<mal> So Gruntpig how's bushy doing?
<Gruntpig> oh he's got all the republicans hooting and hollering
<mal> Ab ab Read my lips...new throw up on a Japanese politician...even if
they feed you thousand year old eggs.
<Gruntpig> Hootie Hoot! Hootie Hoot!
<mal> Oh that's easy to do. He probably dropped his pants right?
<Gruntpig> oh yeah, you know how the GOP loves an old man exposin' himself
*Spamgod* takes place about every 3-4 days
-<Gruntpig> *spamgod* weird
*Spamgod* yup. but that's the way the world works
<Gruntpig> "we must revolutionize America's schools" ha ha ha
<mal> Well wasn't kissinger the one who said politics is a great
aphrodisiac?
-<Gruntpig> *spamgod* well there goes my invisible robot monkey theory
*Spamgod* ????
<Gruntpig> power is the ultimate aphrodisiac
<Lulu> Ooohhh...yes, Henry...VETO ME!!!
-<Gruntpig> *spamgod* I was convinced that the world worked through the
influence of invisible robot monkeys...guess I was wrong
<Gruntpig> "we must do something about crime and drugs" like ignore them
*Spamgod* ahhh
<Gruntpig> women on subways deserve the right to get to their jobs safely
<mal> Yeah like pick on children and their alcohol problems and not adults
because children don't vote.
<Gruntpig> people who stay home at night are being denied a basic civil
right
<mal> Yeah like right to be free from unlawful search and seizure.
<Gruntpig> "we must empower the poor with the pride which comes from owning
a home and getting a job"
<mal> *laugh*
<mal> Oh that's a good one. it does sound like some old dusty speech.
<Gruntpig> he didn't say anything about given the poor a bath and a decent
haircut
<mal> Ah well the "thousand points of light" take care of that.
<mal> besides most of them are heroin addicts so they can't stand to bathe
right? :-)
<Gruntpig> well ya can be bathed in light but it still makes ya smell
<mal> Hmm so did they do the silly thing where they like pull the camera in
close when he speaks then back it up when he's done?
<Gruntpig> bushy is against National Health Insurance...says it restricts
choice and causes long lines
<Gruntpig> yeah the camera is pretty close up...looks like his head is 5
feet tall
<mal> The head of a god I suppose...probably looks like a rotten potato
though.
<Gruntpig> "we must get the federal deficit under control" the crowd goes
wild
<Gruntpig> nah it looks more like a dried up turnip
<mal> OH that's an easy thing to say.
<mal> Hmm rally round the flag with george.
<Gruntpig> "free hookers to all congressman" oh, I guess he didn't say that
one
<mal> They're like drawing slips of paper out of a hat for him to read from
old speeches right?
<mal> OH but he probably meant that. that's why we can't have national
health.
<Gruntpig> yeah I think he just pulled out a Harry Truman
<Gruntpig> yeah we don't want to cut into the booze and whores budget
<Lulu> So like, basically what he's saying is: "I am FOR Mom, the flag, and
apple pie. I am against Crime, debt, kids on rugs...and other bad things"
<Gruntpig> "The government is too big and spends too much" brilliant
insight George
<Lulu> drugs, that is. :)
<mal> Lulu: exactly. You could write the president's speech!
<Gruntpig> yeah kids on rugs only scuff things up and you have to vacuum
more often
<mal> Next he'll say the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.
<Gruntpig> "give me the line item veto and let me help you control
spending" *yawn*
<mal> Hmm he's been whacking at that for years.
<mal> give me more power even though I have more than enough.
<Gruntpig> yeah this speech is for the brain dead
<Gruntpig> King George I
<Gruntpig> "we must strengthen the family because it is the family that has
the greatest bearing on our future" *laugh*
<mal> well maybe he'll soon elect a horse to be in his cabinet or
something.
<Gruntpig> he just invoked the image of Barbara holding an AIDS baby...said
she's telling us that "family matters"
<mal> Image? they have a slide show?
<Lulu> Hmmm...is Barbara a Steve Urkel fan??
<Gruntpig> we need to ease the burden of rearing a child...I guess that
means child abuse is OK
<mal> No we need to like fawn the kids off to the state for proper mind
control.
<Gruntpig> no slide show...he's making shadow puppets on the flag
<mal> Cool.
<mal> next he'll wrap himself in it right? and shake his fist at those damn
Libyans or something.
<Gruntpig> oh now he's making bunny ears behind Tom Foley
<mal> Cool.
<Gruntpig> "welfare was never meant to be a lifestyle or a habit"
<Gruntpig> gotta go get my welfare fix
<mal> Good grief this speech is so silly!
<Gruntpig> welfare recipients need to get their lives in order...stop
having illegitimate kids...and obey the law
<mal> It's like WS Burroughs was writing it or something from old speeches.
<mal> Oh obey the law? what law?
<Gruntpig> yeah it's all cut ups...it's really bad
<Gruntpig> the law of the jungle that's what law
<mal> Hmm well maybe he'll wrap up with something exciting? Has he talked
about Russia or china or japan at all?
<mal> or defense for that matter?
<mal> You've been hearing about old berserk Boris firing folks at factories
and other weird stuff?
<mal> and now he's like "away" and can't meet with people on maybe some
binge.
<Gruntpig> "Go tell Neil Armstrong and the men and women of desert storm
that our workers are lazy and uninspired!"
<Gruntpig> this is getting really silly
<mal> *laugh*
<Gruntpig> they can put a man on the moon but they can't write a decent
speech
<mal> None of those people worked in factories. or were thrown in jail or
punished for not producing.
<mal> :-)
<Gruntpig> ok, he's done now...I'm gonna go flip through the channels for
the rebuttal
####===================================================================####
ART OR CARRION?
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 92 14:56:33 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: feed your head
Round Up - Thursday, January 9, 1992
U. of Illinois art student 'pulls a head'
COLLEGE PRESS SERVICE
CHICAGO - A grisly display has students at the University of Illinois at
Chicago wondering whether the head of a human cadaver was displayed at an
undergraduate art gallery under the title, "King of Vermin."
Campus police are investigating reports that an unidentified student
obtained the head from a medical school.
Several students reported seeing the exhibit, which was displayed only for
one day.
'lt was something that looked like the head of a balding male. It was
wrapped in several layers of Saran Wrap. It was leaning to the side like
it was plopped down on a plate of lettuce with grapes as a garnish," said
Sheila Broderick, freshman art student in medical illustration.
Broderick said that incisions were visible on the head as if it had been
dissected to some degree.
According to Scott Allen, a junior in art and design, the student
responsible for the exhibit was it the art gallery and had bragged that he
had acquired the head of a human cadaver from the university. "I thought he
was kidding until I looked at it closer," Allen said. "If it wasn't real,
I'd be shocked."
Although Allen admits not knowing the name of the student in question, "I
would know him if I saw him," he said.
Jason Wietlispach, undergraduate in art and organizer of the GBU gallery,
said something resembling a human head wrapped in plastic wrap was
displayed in the GBU gallery's show which opened Oct. 15. He would neither
confirm nor deny it being a human cadaver. He also refused to release the
identity of the student who created the exhibit.
Another art student, George Ireland, saw the exhibit in the gallery and
said the student claimed that he got the head from the medical school.
According to Allen, the unidentified student was answering questions from
people who had gathered around the exhibit. He said that a few students
were offering money for what the unidentified student claimed to be a human
head stolen from an unlocked medical - refrigerator on campus.
Broderick reported that the student boasted, "He donated his body for
science and I am using it for art."
Miriam Zayed, assistant to the head of the medical school's department of
anatomy, said no human cadaver parts were reported missing. She added that
cadavers were kept by the undergraduate biology department which was
unavailable for comment.
A medical student, who wished to remain anonymous, said that he believed
human cadaver parts could be removed from the medical school without
difficulty.
Under Illinois statutes, mutilation of a person as part of a performance or
practice is a felony. The statute is silent as to whether a dissected human
body would be considered a person. Also, according to the state criminal
code, "any person who offers to buy or sell a human body or any part of a
human body is guilty of a Class A misdemeanor."
####===================================================================####
DIGITAL DOMAIN
####===================================================================####
[Ars Nova a performance group (or is it a religion) that has done many live
performances some of which have included Otisian material. If you ever
happen to be in the New Mexico area you might want to check them out.]
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 92 22:49:49 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: digital domain
Here's a sneak peek at the script for the piece I'm doing this Saturday at
the Ars Nova show.
Digital Domain
VOICE: The Church of the Holy Apostolic Analog to Digital Conversion is on
the air. Imagine, a world free of pain and disease. Where aging and
infirmity are a thing of the past. The bible tells of such a place, and
thanks to the miracle of modern computer technology that prophecy can come
true in your lifetime and for all eternity. Reverend Macintosh has helped
thousands achieve their eternal glory in God's digital domain. Isn't it
time you and your loved ones were digitized as well? And now here's
Reverend Macintosh with todays program.
(REV comes on stage to much applause)
REV: Welcome to the Church of the Holy Apostolic Analog to Digital
Conversion. The church where we don't just *save* souls, we back 'em up
*digitally*. We got the machines of ever loving grace given to us by our
*savior* to make sure that you don't have to spend *another day* *trapped*
in that bag of bones of yours waiting for the angel of death to *strike you
down*. You can go to your glory the modern way by being digitized into our
holy hard drive with a *direct link* to the pearly gates and God almighty.
Why, I just got done talking to one of our friends on the other side and he
said to me "Preacher, you don't know how grateful I am. (pause) I can do
things here I thought I could never do. I can read an entire encyclopedia
before you can say hallelujah. I got the lord *himself* online giving me
stock market tips so I can give my young'ns a better future. I can go
anywhere and do anything that my heart desires and I owe it all to you."
And he's not the only one. *Thousands* of people *every day* are going to
their glory in the digital domain and they're waiting for *you* to join
them.
Now many of you are saying "digital domain?" I don't want to live in no
computer, preacher. I'd turn into a *robot* or something. And let me tell
you, I know where you're coming from 'cause I been there myself. But what
you don't realize is that you *already* live in a computer (pause) and it's
called the human brain. That's right, when the lord god made you he gave
you a *biological* computer. And the program that computer runs is *you*.
But the *problem* is that computer breaks down. The lord god made Adam out
of clay, which means that he made his *brain* out of clay, and clay *breaks
down.* (pause) But the lord in his infinite wisdom also gave us sand. And
with sand we can make silicon. And with silicon we can make
semiconductors. And with semiconductors we can make computers that *won't*
break down. Computers that'll keep that program of yours running for all
eternity in all the glory that our lord intended. Glory glory hallelujah,
hallelujah!
Now I'm getting a sign. I'm getting word from above. I see that one of
you is ready. One of you has been chosen to go to his glory. One of you
has been *selected* by god. Who will rise up? Who among you will come
forward to meet the lord? I'm seeing a letter. I'm seeing an O. Someone
who's name starts with O. Could it be? Brother Owen your day of glory is
upon you!
(Brother Owen gets thrown in the digitizer and blood spills down the front
as he gets scanned in accompanied by great swells of backwards organ
music.)
REV: Brother Owen, in the name of God, I command you to testify to the
congregation.
(A poorly animated picture of Brother Owen appears on screen with a bad
voice synthesizer doing the vocals.)
OWEN: I feel wonderful. It's a miracle. I give all my earthly possessions
to the church. Glory glory hallelujah.
THE END
####===================================================================####
RELIGOUS HUMOR
####===================================================================####
Date: 19 Jan 92 17:47:00 EST
From: Wombat <HILLV@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: submission??
Or did I send this to you already? I haven't been terribly creative lately.
From: VAX001::HILLV "Can't run but I can walk much faster than this--"
9-DEC-1991 15:05:33.28
To: MATT EI MAUL WILLIAM DAD
CC:
Subj: religious humor to ease the academic tension
An atheist dies and goes to heaven. (No, that's not the funny part.)
Needless to say, he is none too pleased to find himself at the pearly gates
and chatting with St. Peter.
"How did this happen? I'm not supposed to be here and you're not supposed to
exist!"
"Well, my son," replied the Saint, "all good creatures go to heaven and
partake of the afterlife."
"Hang on a minute," said the 'theist, "I don't even know what's supposed to
happen up here! Can't I go back?"
"No dice," said St. Peter, "but I will give you a tour."
Sure enough, as the two walked about, the atheist discovered that everyone
was there. The Baptists were frolicking in and out of the river,
Protestants were gulping Gin & Tonics, the Buddhists were walking about
looking truly enlightened--when suddenly the two came to a massive brick
wall which enclosed an entire section of heaven, completely separating it
from the rest of the assembly. "What's this," he asked his guide.
"Oh, that's the Catholics. They still think they're the only ones who got
here."
P.S. This joke was originally told to me by a Catholic, so it's Kosher.
(Oh I'm just so funny today! Too much coffee. Way too much coffee.)
####===================================================================####
DIVINE VISION OF THE GODDESS
####===================================================================####
Date: 20 Jan 92 02:33:00 EST
From: St JAMES <KURELLJJ@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: RE: A little something to keep you occupied until Purps comes out
I got your message a little late;
You see it goes something like this...
A long tyme ago, I picked up my very own copy of _The ILLUMINATUS!
Trilogy_. This was, though I had no Idea of it at the tyme, was to be my
un-and-re-doing.
Strange times have descended.
After about two weeks of struggling with the book, I put it down feeling
that it was just a silly 'paranoid' trip of a few drug fiends who thought
that they just might be able to pull one over on the Amerikkkan public.
Silly me.
I went to my Living room and picked up and issue of National Geographic
(May 1982) and began to browse through. The table of contents looked
interesting with articles on such topics as 'The Great Pyramid' and 'The
Fnords of Sweden.' Later I was struck with my find as my mother hurled the
magazine across the room at me.
I went to school and met Thom Knauer; fiend of frenzy, and Arch Duke of
Discordia at the bright and shiny college of Kenyon.
He gave me a copy of the Principia Discordia. It was a wonderful thing to
do. Put me on the path toward Eris.
Then one night, Eris herself came unto me in the middle of Drama class,
during an argument between our teacher, a middle aged woman who many would
call Insane, and an young Jock-type who is firm in his belief that he and
he alone had figured out that the democratic system of Amerikkka was both
just, and completely correct. She actually appeared in the form of a great
golden apple that was both apple and goddess and tangelope. She spoke in a
soft voice that said the following:
"James."
At that point I turned to Titania, who was sitting beside me and said:
"Yes?"
She looked at me with a slightly puzzled expression then resumed listening
intently to the argument.
"James!"
The voice was coming from the stage. I looked up. I blinked about five
times. There was, sitting on the stage, a giant apple, a woman of great
beauty, and what I was to find out later was a tangelope. Thing was, they
were all combined into one. Thinking that someone had again dosed my lunch,
I played along with my frenzied mind.
"James, this is real, no-one has dosed your lunch. But be careful of the
green-beans at dinner."
"What the fuck...?" I found myself saying, then looked around to see if
anyone else was seeing this. Everyone else was frozen.
"Don't worry," she said, "we're simply moving in a time frame much faster
than normal right now. Listen good, dear: All this Otisianism stuff is well
and good, but it's getting off track. I'm assigning you with the task of
fixing things."
"Wha...? How could I...?"
"Shut up and listen!" She screamed, "Now you're already a saint, so you
have some clout, What you need to do is Search for the Armadillo."
With that, and a puff of smoke and some off-key trumpets, she and the apple
were gone. The Tangelope wiggled and left stage via the fly...
This summer, It was found.
We found it at work, painting the campus rooms.
(Here it must be made known that there were in fact three different species
of armadillos found: The regular garden variety armadillo, the Opposable
thumbed armadillo, and the worst kind- The Telekinetic Armadillo. the
telekinetic armadillo is reported to be in league with the GSG-the Gambier
Sewer Gibbons and a highly unstoppable force when roused or cornered.)
We were plagued with the various forms of armadillo life during the entire
summer.
This fall, I was told by Thom Knauer (Hail Spode!) to re-read the the
Illuminatus! Trilogy. That is what I was doing when I realized two things
1) It just might be possible that you were in fact the real Malaclypse the
younger, and 2) How many 2's, 3's and 5's there were in my recent life....
hurrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmm..............................
Hope you enjoy this,
Hail Eris
-St.James the Red
####===================================================================####
MISSING-PERSON LOCATER
####===================================================================####
[Note: after some testing, it has also been determined that this method can
be used for locating lost socks. Instead of using a photo (or whatever) of
your intended target, use the mismatch sock. Also you may receive a boost
in range by making a farraday cage of tinfoil.]
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 1992 18:31:00 EST
From: LYDIA FISH <FISHLM%SNYBUFVA.BITNET@VM1.NoDak.EDU>
Subject: Folklore on the networks
X-cc: folklore@tamvm1.BITNET
Forwarded from VWAR-L
*********************************************************************
MISSING-PERSON LOCATER
The following information is a very simple technique for
finding missing children, adults, MIA's, etc.. Please take
it SERIOUSLY.
Make a 90-degree "Angle Wire" by bending an 18" length
of 1/8" iron welding rod at right angles at the center and
slipping it into a 7" length of 1/4" straight copper tubing.
Both ends of the rod should be pointed, and the top end of
the tube should be smooth and flat so the wire can turn
freely inside the tube.
Wrap the four fingers of your right hand around the
copper tube, and place the front of the thumb against the
side of the tube near the top so that the center of the whorl
of your thumb is pressed against the tube. Stand on solid
ground with your feet about one foot apart, and hold the
Angle Wire so the copper tube is vertical, about 15 inches in
front of your chest.
Place the center of the whorl of your left index finger
against a "specimen" of the missing person while thinking
about him or her. (A "specimen" is the image of the person
in a polaroid photograph, a photographic negative, or a print
having an existing negative; a spot of blood on a piece of
paper, a hair, or possibly even an original signature, of the
person.)
The Angle Wire will then turn to point in the direction
of the missing person (if he or she is still alive, at
least). Repeat this procedure while facing in different
directions.
The person can then be found by going in the direction
that the wire is consistently pointing toward, or by moving
some distance at right angles to that direction and finding
the new direction (triangulation method).
Many people are not likely to be successful with this
technique, especially people who have received x-rays. Those
who have demonstrated success at "water witching" or "MAP
DOWSING" are most likely to be successful at this. However,
each person involved in looking for missing persons should
TRY IT. Practice by "locating" people who are NOT missing.
This technique should be used to find missing children,
kidnap victims, MIA's, or lost pets. It should NOT be MIS-
used to track down tax evaders, absent fathers, draft
dodgers, or other innocent people trying to avoid legalized
extortion, armed robbery, and slavery.
This technique was developed by a Canadian scientist,
Frances Nixon, of The Vivaxis Energies Research International
Society, 211 Blackman St., New Westminster, British Columbia
V3L 2A8, Canada. Contact THEM for more information.
EVERYONE please COPY and DISSEMINATE widely ALL of this.
Robert E. McElwaine
####===================================================================####
MORE SPODE
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1992 21:39 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: And a few more from the Pearl of the Orient...
South China Morning Post - 21 October 1991
_Gaddafi_
"The technical reports on the causes of the crash of Pan Am flight
103 show that it was not provoked by an explosion but by meteorological
conditions."
-Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Gaddafi disputing American and British
claims that the Pan Am air crash over Lockerbie was caused by a
Libyan bomb.
***
South China Morning Post - 21 October 1991
_Games Backfire_
THE HAGUE: Dutch firemen used boltcutters to free a man who found himself
trapped in handcuffs after sex games with a prostitute backfired. The
prostitute manacled the man at his own request but was then unable to
free him.
***
Clarence Thomas' Top Ten Favorite Movie Rentals
(courtesy of David Letterman)
1. "Wetness for the Prosecution"
2. "Ernest Goes to the Mustang Ranch"
3. "Orgy in the Court"
4. "Twelve Angry Men and a Really Hot Cheerleader"
5. "Legal Spreadeagles"
6. "The 69th Amendment"
7. "L.A. Raw"
8. "Red Hot Stuff Conservatives are Supposed To Be Against"
9. "Jaccoby Does Meyers"
10. "Dances Without Briefs"
*****
-Seriously rude! -Spode :)
***
At a London Conference, there was a session discussion on TV experiences,
where one of the deaf girls persuaded the coordinator that Strapadichtomy
was the correct term for penile addition (actually phalloplasty)...if you
don't get it, pronounce it `strapadicktome'. Took 15 mins to get order back
into the meeting when he realised what he'd been saying: I thought it was a
pretty smart stunt for a deaf person to play on someone who can hear!
Seriously, there is an organisation (NYC-based?) called RECAP which deals
with men who don't like the fact that they've been circumcised. It stands
(I kid you not) for REClaim A Penis, and they have a device or practice (I know
not which) which will (given time) stretch the skin around the base of the
_glans penis_ from the frenum to the hood so that it re-forms a kind of
foreskin. *NOT* something I wish to try!
+++
-I think I will leave the sender of this bit anonymous. I just felt I had
to share it. Any embarrassed people should just delete it and forget it. :)
-Spode
####===================================================================####
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1992 21:46 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: Medical Terminology for the Lay(wo)man
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
ARTERY.........................THE STUDY OF FINE PAINTINGS
BARIUM.........................WHAT YOU DO WHEN C.P.R. FAILS
BENIGN.........................WHAT YOU BE AFTER YOU BE EIGHT
CESAREAN SECTION...............A DISTRICT IN ROME
COLIC..........................A SHEEP DOG
COMA...........................A PUNCTUATION MARK
CONGENITAL.....................FRIENDLY
DILATE.........................TO LIVE LONGER
FESTER.........................QUICKER
G.I. SERIES....................BASEBALL GAMES BETWEEN TEAMS OF
SOLDIERS
GRIPPE.........................WHAT YOU DO TO A SUITCASE
HANGNAIL.......................A COATHOOK
MEDICAL STAFF..................A DOCTOR'S CANE
MINOR OPERATION................SOMEBODY ELSE'S
MORBID.........................A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATE........................LOWER THAN DAY RATE
NODE...........................WAS AWARE OF
ORGANIC........................CHURCH MUSICIAN
OUTPATIENT.....................A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
POST-OPERATIVE................A LETTER CARRIER
PROTEIN........................IN FAVOR OF YOUNG PEOPLE
SECRETION......................HIDING ANYTHING
SEROLOGY.......................STUDY OF ENGLISH KNIGHTHOOD
TABLET.........................A SMALL TABLE
TUMOR..........................AN EXTRA PAIR
URINE..........................OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"
VARICOSE VEINS.................VEINS THAT ARE VERY CLOSE TOGETHER
I thought it was hysterical!
--Don
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1992
