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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 2 Issue 30
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 30
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Welcome to the Ambush issue of Purps. I call it the ambush issue because it
snuck up on me and the rest of us.
Sad to say there are none of the regular stories in this issue, so you'll
just have to make do.
Our mailer problems are looking as if they are being fixed, so maybe I can
devote some more time to the HailOtis listserver.
Anyway, there was supposed to be a lot more in this issue than what you are
getting. That's why it's so short. Hopefully, next time we can all mend out
ways and get back on the beaten track.
I suppose the big news this issue is the various ArchBishop Chad
announcements. Since Pope Jephe departed from Kenyon there has been no
spiritual leader there. Now again they have one and may Otis shower him with
blessings.
Also I am very disappointed by only one contest entry so far. Sure some
other of you folks out there can come up with what is really in those
secret government warehouses.
A special thanks should also go out to those who send contributions to this
purps. Hopefully they'll keep up the good work. And for the rest of you
out there who never seem to submit anything, maybe it's time you did. Open
your soul to Otis and let Her inspire you.
Anyway, I want to get this sent out on time so on with the show.
####===================================================================####
An ArchBishop for Kenyon!
####===================================================================####
Date: 26 Sep 91 18:59:00 EDT
From: JAMES H CARROTT <carrott@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: HAIL ARCHBISHOP CHAD (the Forcibly Ordained)
ON this past Monday(?), at approximately 5:30 pm. his esteemed papacy
(geoffe I) cornered, and proceeded to ordain as archbishop, Saint Chad of
Criticism. said archbishop was then hefted into the air (praise be to Scott
and Zeck the heavy shouldered) and paraded in a pointless display of pomp,
around gund commons game room.
HAIL OTIS! We have found a spiritual leader for our recently wayward herd!
HAIL SPODE! The rumors of the ordainment of stewuart the 5'7"-from-new-york
are FALSE!
his esteemed archbishopric is indeed accepting gifts and donations in honor
of his appointment- feel free to back him into a corner and shower him with
beer, saliva or any other substance you deem appropriate.
HAIL CHAD!
Saint James of Nothing Yet, Deacon of Cluelessness.
####===================================================================####
Silly Quote
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 27 Sep 91 10:32:44 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: silly quote
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied,
"You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the
ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
####===================================================================####
Japanese Games
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 1991 22:13 HKT
From: God of Chaos <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: More nasty things against women - from the lovely land of Japan...
(1) --------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 1991 10:45:42 EDT
From: VENTURE@BROWNVM.BITNET
Subject: Re: FWD: Coalition against Trafficking in Women
While we're on the subject of trafficking in women...
Reprinted without permission from THE ASIAN WALL STREET JOURNAL WEEKLY,
September 2, 1991:
JAPANESE FEMINISTS DECRY BOARD GAME IN WHICH PLAYERS BUY, TRADE WOMEN
BY QUENTIN HARDY
TOKYO- A Japanese games manufacturer is under fire from a local feminist
group for marketing a card game in which players trade women for money.
In the game, the value of the women on the cards is determined by
occupation and sexual history; virgins are worth up to a million yen
($7,300), prostitutes carry a penalty, and other women are valued by the
numbers of partners they've had.
The game, called Human Garbage, sold more than 72,000 sets at 1,500 yen
each in 21 months, according to manufacturer, Takara Co. The target
audience is college age men.
Even for a country where a comic book chronicles the adventures of Rape Man
and pornographic videocassettes are available from vending machines, Human
Garbage is extreme.
'Medieval' Attitudes
A "Hong Kong" card allows a player to buy and sell women. If a player
draws a pregnancy card, he buys an abortion by waiting out a turn. An AIDS
card, depicting two men embracing, requires purchase of a blood change.
The cards carry information on a woman's job, astrological sign, and blood
type. In Japan, discussion of blood types passes for small talk among
singles, who believe personal compatibility is in the corpuscles. There
are also a few cards picturing single men - the doctor, the lawyer, and the
playboy.
"This country hasn't really changed since medieval times, when men had all
the power," says Noriko Yamaguchi, director of the Sakai Women's
Organization, which is leading protests against Takara. "These game
manufacturers have no sense of human rights; they make an everyday man
sexually violent."
While Takara is the worst offender, Ms. Yamaguchi says, it isn't alone. In
Whose Baby Is This?, manufactured by Yonezawa Co., men try to avoid
accusations of paternity for unwanted children.
A Takara official says it stopped making the game last September, though
some units may still be on store shelves.
In Toy Stores
Only in the past month did Ms. Yamaguchi's organization find out about the
game, which was being sold in children's toy stores. Her group has sent
letters of protest to international human rights organizations, including
the United Nations Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination Against
Women.
Why is the game called Human Garbage? "It's a phrase used by women to
describe the kind of man who does what our game requires," explains Takara
spokesman Shigeru Kondoh. "She'll say: 'You're the garbage of humanity.'"
Takara seems to know its audience's appetite for garbage. A follow-up
game, Human Garbage-Snicker Snicker, which included pictures of topless
women on the cards, sold 18,000 units between June and November 1990, when
it was discontinued.
"We have to come up with games that suit the times," says Mr. Kondoh.
"We're interested in whatever young people are interested in. This year
the trend is the environment."
####===================================================================####
Voting
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 1991 22:18 HKT
From: God of Chaos <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: Voting in Hongkong, or should I say History Lessons in HK?
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 16 September 1991
_Vote Getter_
Public relations man Ted Thomas was seen emerging from the polling
station at the bottom of Ice House Street, blinking in the television
floodlights.
A youthful newshound thrust her notebook at him.
"Excuse me, who you vote for?" she asked.
"Adolf Hitler," replied Mr. Thomas, about to move off.
The tenacious newshound was not to be shrugged off. "How you
spell?" she called out after him.
Who could Mr. Thomas have meant?
####===================================================================####
Post Cards
####===================================================================####
Date: 25 Sep 91 15:06:01
From: paul iverson <paul_iverson@qmrelay.mail.cornell.edu>
Subject: Matt
Subject: Time:3:04 PM
OFFICE MEMO Matt Date:9/25/91
I just got another postcard from Matt last Friday. Here it is:
"9-10-91 Peshawar, NW Frontier Province
[Postcard caption reads "Guns and Pathans go together", and Matt has
circled this to start his message] How true - especially in those tribal
lands where the government only exists to give aid money to stop (no
chance) the drug flow from Afghanistan. Yesterday me and some friends went
out to the town of Dorra, where every other shop sells pen-guns, pistols,
AK-47's and rocket launchers. The other shops sell opium, hash, and heroin.
We got well smoked up by the locals and then stumbled into the hills to
fire Kalishnikovs at watermelons. A good thing Muslims don't drink, or
there would be fire-fights in the streets every night. As it is the air is
constantly filled with gunfire, as the locals test their guns. The bullets
must land somewhere, but no one seems concerned with blasting off a
magazine or two from the front porch - a great place to raise children.
With a little capital, the whole place could be turned into a giant
theme-park: pop up targets of George Bush, Saddam Hussein, Salman Rushdie,
etc... Adventure tours across the border into Afghanistan, and then back to
your 5-star hotel, swimming pool, and candle light dinner. For those who
prefer love not war, a big hookah and a little afghan refuge boy to molest.
The development possibilities are endless. Still there's a certain rustic
charm to riding for an hour in a packed mini-bus and ducking your head at
every police check-point hoping not to be noticed, but the charm wears thin
after a while, which is why I'm heading back around the middle of October.
see you then,
Matt"
####===================================================================####
Disney's Brain Destroying Rides
####===================================================================####
From: rudoff@mdd.comm.mot.com (Doug Rudoff)
Subject: Re: Legends From The Magic Kingdom
Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1991 00:14:22 GMT
I've heard than Disney employees are only allowed to work for 45
minutes at a time at "It's a Small World" to prevent them from going
insane listening to the "It's a small world after all, It's a small
world after all, It's a small world after all, It's a small small
small world." over and over again. (The ride is true hell on earth).
--
####===================================================================####
High Altitude Tibetan Bovine Tossing
####===================================================================####
Date: 1 Oct 91 18:06:00 EDT
From: "DAVID H ZECCHIN" <zecchin@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: My purps entry..
High Altitude Tibetan Bovine Tossing
To start, credit is to be given where it is deserved, that synonym for
yak (high altitude Tibetan bovine), was found by the ever so creative and
witty Mark Matski (wow it rhymes).
This sport along with the newly founded pope tossing is quite fun. I
am sure it is probably hell for the high altitude Tibetan bovine, not to
mention for our illustrious pope. But we have a good pope who will of
course try anything once, or so they say. (Hey we said that if we killed
him that we could bring him back right? Come on pope you can trust us, it
worked once.) Or so we think, maybe this pope is an impostor! Never mind
about that, that's for the next issue.
Thus I decree we have a high altitude Tibetan Bovine tossing day,
and possibly even a pope tossing day, but we shall have to see about the
latter. We MUST stand tall against those who will call us heretics
(Heretics? What's that?) We will squash these girly-men with our high
altitude Tibetan bovines! No one will stand in our way, for we will toss
them!
Saint Zeck,
oOOo FFFFF MARSHMELLOWS
0 0 F
0 0 FFF @
0 0 F
oOOo F SMALL LIZARDS
Saint's words to live by:
"Never war-dial sequentially"
####===================================================================####
Cruise Control Misunderstanding
####===================================================================####
From: shag@aero.org (Robert M. Unverzagt)
Subject: Re: Misunderstanding of "Cruise Control"
Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1991 17:12:13 GMT
>The following was extracted from a posting in another newsgroup:
>
>"Reminds me of when this local RV dealer that my uncle knows sold a big RV to
>this foreign guy, and the foreign guy got out on the freeway, turned the
>cruise control on, and stepped into the back to make some coffee. This really
>happened! Take my word for it."
>
>
>I don't remember seeing this UL in any of Brunvand's books, common
>as it is. Can anyone substantiate that this has actually happened
>to someone? Or cite a source acknowledging this to be a putative UL?
>
I heard it as this: that some foreign/ethnic guys were driving in a van
and the driver turned on the cruise control and went into the back to
do bong hits with his buddies. I think this supposedly happened on
the Palisades Parkway (name?) in NY.
####===================================================================####
Exploding Stomachs
####===================================================================####
From: smb@ulysses.att.com (Steven Bellovin)
Subject: an exploding stomach lawsuit!
Date: 25 Sep 91 22:23:20 GMT
Well, folks, looks like it's true -- taking baking soda *can* cause your
stomach to explode. Or so claims the editor of National Geographic. I
just saw a news story about a lawsuit William Graves has filed against the
Arm & Hammer company. He claims he took some baking soda to deal with
indigestion the morning after indulging in chili; as a result, he says, his
stomach ruptured, nearly killing him, and necessitating six operations over
the last dozen years.
The company, of course, denies responsibility. And doctors blamed a
perforated ulcer for the man's problems. But the AP found a prominent
gastroenterologist who concedes it's possible for baking soda to cause a
tear in the stomach, though he calls it unlikely. However, he says that it
has happened in the past, albeit only under special circumstances,
including pre-existing stomach problems. ``The stomach is open on both
ends. Before it ruptures, it releases gas in both directions''.
Skeptics can check Wednesday's Newark (NJ) Star Ledger, or the proceedings
of Superior Court in New Brunswick, NJ, where the trial is currently in
progress.
--Steve Bellovin, smoafu
P.S. No mention of sea gulls, at least in the story I saw.
####===================================================================####
ArchBishop Chad's Acceptance Speech...Or Is It?
####===================================================================####
Date: 2 Oct 91 15:15:00 EDT
From: "VICTORIA C HILL" <hillv@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: tee hee
Chad turned to me at dinner the other night and said, "Mal said I ought to
meet you." As we have played innumerable late night hands of bridge
together, I was amused.
Herewith follows the text of Chad's acceptance speech--
"Ack! Doub! I'm what?"
whisperings into his ear by He-Who-Watches-Oprah then followed.
"You're scum! How dare you?! All right, all right, all right. I do hereby
declare that I am the Archbishop and that as such I will do all that is
within my power and will not detract from my valuable bridge-playing and
elevator taunting to further the creed and credo of OTIS and to see that
all optional things which are forbidden become at the very least
permissible. I would like to announce the following dogmatical statement."
there was a rumble and coughing in the crowd. Somewhere, a can of diet coke
was opened and quietly sipped in a flagrant violation of ICS policy.
"Pennsylvania is a bad place. The gates of hell are actually located
between the pillars of the Post office in Williamstown, Massachusetts.
Finally, I decree that all loyal OTISians must either make at least one
pilgrimage to the all holy-city of Chicago within the next twelve months,
or fly to England, bringing with them high denominational currency for his
holiness, pope geoffe. Anyone who is "too busy" to participate in either of
these sacred activities must write at lest one article for PURPS. See that
it is so. Now I am tired and wouldst retire to my love nest."
-wombat
####===================================================================####
Papal Ponderings
####===================================================================####
Papal Ponderings #3: Pope Jephe I, 955 Mass. Ave., Suite 209,
Cambridge, MA 02139. This Week the Pope is in High Spirits Again
and May Not be Totally Obnoxious to Listen To
"I've been nervous about cults ever since that Jamestown thing"--
Ishmael Reed
There's a new film out. It's called "The Pope Must Die", and I'd be
lying if I said it wasn't making me a little nervous. Think about it, first
we have a full-blown hurricane named "Bob", graciously skirting in its path
to avoid the divine twins but then making a beeline straight up the coast
(the first hurricane in 44 years to make it this far north, by the way <1>)
to my Boston address. Then, while we're all "distracted" here at the
House, the Soviet Union begins what is certainly the most dramatic period
in a history which has been far from a dramatic sleeper. Now this film
thing. A phrase of one of the more formidable mentors of my formidable
youth pops into mind; "Remember; it's not paranoia if they really ARE out
to get you". <2> Worth thinking about.
Not that I was all that bothered, mind you. Mal could have had the
twins forty fathoms under in calm water somewhere at the heart of the
Bermuda triangle, if it looked like they were in real danger, and the only
the front offices are above ground in Boston, anyway; qui desiderat pacem
praeparet bellum. Hell, all it would have taken was a phone call to shift
things a bit, and OUR lines never go down. And although the winds knocked
over a satellite dish and toppled a hemlock onto the library in OTIS, MA
<3>, I noticed that at least a couple of Mc Donalds on Boston's south shore
are toast. <4> OTIS' justice is swift if only mildly poetic. Verbum sat
sapienti.
But this movie. This movie worries me. Weather I can endure, but the
slings and arrows of Public Opinion tend to be a tad more insidious. The
"Great Darkness" lasted a little over 1500 years all because that
improperly weaned, limp-necked son of a goat Theodosius decided in his
infinitely limited wisdom that we were a snake cult. <5> So, what if this
"Kill the Pope" stuff catches on? Hell, I could be assassinated all over
again, and let me tell you, being under the instep of Rotus <6> is no
picnic, limited time only or no.
But my hands are tied. A decree forbidding this film (which, by the
way has the Catholics' red-hatted Vatican jet set all upset; some people
can't spot a veiled message with a Tolben's guide) would only be optional
under House guidelines anyway <7>, and might get me bolted by Spode for my
hypocrisy in the process. <8> Probably the best thing to do is show these
upstarts I'm not afraid. Go to see the thing myself, maybe even in their
favorite city. Can't let the buggers think they hold ALL the cards. Just
the teenybopper minds, pop music, fast food, and all those other OTIS
forsaken institutions of "straight" society. Fools. The center will not
hold, and the fringe is working its way in. OTIS' divine will can neither
be tempered nor diverted. We're on our way. And we have our eye's on
their favorite chair.
Nunc Scripsi Totum Pro OTISi, Da Mihi Potum--
"Pope" Geoff I
SUPPLEMENTARY NOTES BY "BILL", A HOUSE SCRIBE:
In his recent rantings the Pope seems to be getting more and more obtuse,
tossing out references which might serve to do little more than confuse the
uninitiated. He has asked me, therefore, to attempt to illuminate some of
his more difficult points.
1. 44 years, four months to be exact.
2. I have no idea.
3. As the name indicated, a sacred city for OTISians located in
western Massachusetts. Otis is the site of an annual pilgrimage
(usually in the summer) and has as its most notable feature the
Otis Museum, boasting a nearly complete collection of sacred
OTISian documents and the Latvian God Brow's pickled testicles.
4. Mc Donalds, like the Rotarian Organization and the Church of
the Subgenii, is commonly held to be a tool of the Zachinthian
conspiracy. Believed to be run by aliens who clone all OTISians
on the premises and instruct their copies to do "embarrassing
things in public" (early House warning on the subject).
5. The Pope seems to be referring to Emperor Theodosis "the
great" who outlawed the practice of OTISianism 11933 AO (391 Year
of the Carpenter) bringing about the "Great Darkness" whose
1600th anniversary is this year.
6. i.e. "dead".
7. "Everything Forbidden is Optional," OTIS: 5:23, Tolben's is a
well known Field Guide
8. A reference to "The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode" (???) (I'd
know for sure but the Pope's off sermonizing somewhere and Mal's
deadlines are strict), which strikes down hypocrites,
disbelievers, our most loyal and faithful followers, saints, and
generally people at random.
####===================================================================####
Chain Letters
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 1991 22:32 HKT
From: God of Chaos <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: A different form of chain letter, indeed!
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 9 August 1991
_Disbelieving women risk getting their own back_
We were sent a copy of a chain letter that is making the rounds
with the bold title stridently announcing FOR WOMEN ONLY.
Actually, the text reveals it is for tired and discontented women.
We realize chain letters are generally frowned upon, as all
gambling is in these parts [massive sarcasm -Ed]. But this one involves
no money.
The letter instructs its feminine followers: "Just send a copy of
this letter to four of your friends who are equally tired and
discontent.
"Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the
woman whose name appears at the top of this list.
"In return you'll receive 18,887 men. One of them is bound to be
a hell of a lot better than the one you already have."
This may sound like a tremendous, dare we say joyous bargain, but
the letter has a serious and threatening side to it.
"DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN," it commands. "One woman who broke it got
her boyfriend back."
It continues: "t the time of writing this letter, a friend of mine
had received 454 men. It took three undertakers 34 hours to get the
smile off her face."
:)
####===================================================================####
Material for the Clone Banks
####===================================================================####
From: bradn@tekig1.PEN.TEK.COM (Bradford H Needham)
Subject: Re: Legends From The Magic Kingdom
Date: 26 Sep 91 00:47:20 GMT
I've heard that the most common first aid administered in Disneyland is....
Treatment for tongue injuries you get when your tongue sticks
to an ice-cream bar and you panic and tear the ice-cream bar loose.
No kidding! A few years ago, 2000 people per year ran afoul of the
dry-ice cooled popsicles at Disneyland. I have it on good authority
(the mother of a friend of my wife was a Disneyland nurse).
Anyone have any reliable info on this rumor? Has anybody eaten a popsicle
at Disneyland lately?
Brad Needham
bradn@augsburg.pen.tek.com
[Of course we all know why they do this. They use these super cold
popsicles to collect flesh samples. When a person licks them, the flesh of
their tongue is flash frozen onto a popsicle. The poor victim, not knowing
what do, goes for help. The help of course removes the popsicle and
quickly extracts the small sample of flash frozen flesh which they place in
their gene banks for clone. What they do with these clones we do not yet
know. First they have Walt Disney building giant killer mechanical
replicates of his cartoon characters and now this.]
####===================================================================####
Contest Entry
####===================================================================####
[Here's our one and only contest entry for the contents of the secret
government warehouses. The rest of you should be ashamed of yourselfs for
not sending something in.]
Date: 30 Sep 91 21:47:00 EDT
From: MICHAEL S DOW <dow@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: RE: Purps 29
The government warehouse contains the original manuscripts of all
Shakespeare's plays, plus the completed version of Hero and Leander by
Marlowe.
All known information relating to the original Kenyon College may or may
not be kept here. The Air Force has some claim on all the data, and may be
feeling territorial about it.
Also, I heard a rumor that the Tetragrammaton stone from the crown of
Sulieman be Daood is also there, but it's so hard to be sure about these
things. foole
p.s. Oh, yes, nude paintings of George and Martha Washington. Almost
forgot them.
####===================================================================####
Virgin Birth
####===================================================================####
[I figured this belonged in here with all the talk of Divine Children and
what not. Please note the references to toilets.]
From: mikkelson@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes)
Subject: Re: Virgin Birth
Date: 3 OCT 91 12:31:40
>Tb.Unintentional virgin birth happens occasionally in bizarre
circumstances.
Once again that authoritative source, the _Weakly World News_, sheds some
light on this subject:
Mom-to-be's startling secret . . .
PHONE SEX MADE ME PREGNANT
As far-fetched as the woman's story might sound, her obstetrician says it
may very well be rooted in fact.
Dr. Herman Kern says he is "99.9 percent sure that the woman is a virgin"
and contends "that it is entirely possible she got pregnant while
discussing sex on the phone.
"Unusual circumstances of conception aren't all that uncommon. To tell you
the truth, the medical literature is full of them," he said in a letter to
_Baby Month_ magazine.
"It doesn't happen every day, of course, but women get pregnant in swimming
pools, off toilet seats and yes, just by thinking about a sexual
experience."
- snopes
####===================================================================####
Vegemite
####===================================================================####
From: pdt@mundil.cs.mu.OZ.AU (Peter David THOMPSON)
Subject: Stupid Vegemite tricks.
Date: 25 Sep 91 05:13:33 GMT
From the Melbourne "Age", Tues 24th, page 3;
"Coroner told man was injected with Vegemite"
-Elizabeth Lopez.
A 20 year old man died of an asthma attack after being injected with
and smoking Vegemite, a coroner was told today.
An autopsy found that Peter Sandel Ford, unemployed, had acute
bronchitis when he died at his flat in Lennox Street, Richmond, on 8
September.
A friend (!!!! pdt) of the dead man, Julian Morris Evans, 21, a labourer,
of Lower Templestowe, told the Coroner's Court that he injected Mr Ford
with 0.8 ml of a Vegemite-water solution at about 10:45 pm on 8 September.
The court was told that two minutes later, Mr Ford complained of
breathing trouble. He died minutes after ambulance officers arrived.
The pair had earlier smoked a mixture of Vegemite, tobacco & crushed
vitamin B.
The two had been friends for 10 years, Mr Evans told the inquest. He
said Mr Ford had regularly used amphetamines, marijuana, alcohol, and
prescribed (Did she mean prescription? pdt) Valium, Serepax and Rohypnol.
The coroner, Ms Wendy Willams, found that no one contributed to Mr Ford's
death, which she said might have occurred independently of the intravenous
use of vegemite.
Used without permission.\
####===================================================================####
Bugs
####===================================================================####
From: fehr@ms.uky.edu (Jeffrey Davis)
Subject: Re: Miller Moths
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 1991 14:25:11 GMT
[stuff deleted]
A friend of mine was a psychiatric nurse for a while. One day a woman was
brought in, suffering from who knows what all. She was crying and
hysterical and complaining about "spiders." The doctors took all this down
and put her in a room for observation. When my friend came on duty, she
actually listened to the woman's complaints and looked carefully at the
rims of her eyes which, as it turned out, were swarming with some kind of
tiny, but still visible, mite. The doctors had merely assumed that the
complaint about spiders was one of those cliched symptoms of the DTs.
Going buggy....the bug house...bugging out...Urban Legend or Neglect?
--
Jeffrey Davis <davis@keats.ca.uky.edu>
Sir, I Ham a very Bad Hand at Righting....
####===================================================================####
Purps Makes it to a Electronic Directory
####===================================================================####
[We still do not know who is responsible for this.]
Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1991 10:01 EDT
From: LIDAKA@WVSVAX.WVNET.EDU
Subject: Re: purps & my local editor
[stuff deleted]
I thought I told you 2 or 3 messages ago. Hmm. OK, 1 more time
before the end of the world. Otis will be displeased (Ve haf vays ov
finding out).
I got it from the paper version (not the electronic version) of the
*Directory of Electronic Journals, Newsletters, and Academic Discussion
Lists* put out by the Association of Research Libraries (its Office of
Scientific and Academic Publishing), this paper copy dated July 1991 (if ya
wanna ISSN it's 1057-1337).
You'all are on pp. 54-55, #87, somewhat thus:
The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode (PURPS). Official e-mail magazine of the
OTISian faith (a small but growing cult worshiping OTIS, the ancient
Sumerian God/dess of life) carrying news fiction [sic--no comma], poetry,
humor, and the pure, unadulterated SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE to its
subscribers.
To Subscribe:
E-Mail to Barker@servax.fiu.edu (Before Sept 1, 1991)
Dos@vax001.kenyon.edu (AFter Sept. 1, 1991)
Back issues:
E-mail to the editor or via anon. FTP from Quartz.Rutgers.edu/pub/
purps
Contact:
Before September 1, 1991: Barker@servax.fiu.edu
After September 1, 1991: Dow@vax001.kenyon.edu
[stuff deleted]
####===================================================================####
A Brief Ode On The Death of Justin Hill's One Page Masterpiece
####===================================================================####
Date: 26 Sep 91 23:27:00 EDT
From: "VICTORIA C HILL" <hillv@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: submissions
Anything to avoid doing actual work!
Amoung other things, I am an English major--does it show?
From: VAX001::HILLV "Perfect is a fault and fault lines change.--REM"
26-SEP-1991 22:36:16.72
To: HILLV
CC:
Subj: ways to avoid ENGL 53
A Brief Ode On The Death of Justin Hill's One Page Masterpiece
Listen my children and you shall know
Gambier's version of Midnight woe
Nary a computer file did survive
(Though many a student is still alive)
Who can recall that fateful night
Of Justin Hill's tremendous fright.
It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out. David Zecchin
screamed. From out of the gloom, figures shuddered and beseeched an
insentient god with their pleadings.
Yeah verily, the gods hadst seen Justin Hill transcribing his paper and
hadst seen that he and other students hadst trusted in their carnal selves
and hadst failed to save their papers at the appropriate moments. And so
the gods didst grin, and the English majors didst encourage them in their
sadistic amusement, to send down lightning from a passing thunderstorm to
remove all electrical current from Gambier for the length of time
sufficient to knock out the VAX.
he never understood power out and VAX down again justin write paper
work all day good
student forget save now have no paper have to do again my
mother is a fish but power on again quick so 4C
Caples watch rest of murphy brown season opener instead of silly oprah james
make us watch afternoons on the orange
sofa with
toxic tequila spills
Oh VAX! How did Justin hate thee? Let me count the ways.
He hates thee to the depth and breadth and height
A sofa quota cannot reach, his lost file outta sight.
To the depths of his being and little yellow letters before his face
To using a typewriter by moon and candle-light
what written what written what written
what written what written what written
what written what written what written
paper written paper written paper written
paper written paper written paper written
paper written paper written paper written
VAX your friend VAX your friend VAX your friend
VAX your friend VAX your friend VAX your friend
bravo the modern technology which in one orgiastic twist
can remind us of our human limits
hare krishna krishna hare
--wombat
####===================================================================####
Shocking Otisian Scandal!
####===================================================================####
Date: 29 Sep 91 16:39:00 EDT
From: "MICHAEL S DOW" <dow@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: Another SHOCKING OTISIAN SCANDAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From the Dear Ann Landers column, which appeared in the Columbus Dispatch
Friday, 9/27:
Dear Ann Landers,
Eleven years ago, I walked out on a 12-year marriage. My wife was a good
person, but for a long time she was under a lot of stress. Instead of helping
her, I began an affair with her best friend.
This is what I gave up:
1)Seeing my daughter grow up.
2)The respect of many longtime friends [and worshippers, too-Foole]
3)The enjoyment of living as a family.
4)A wife who was loyal, appreciative and who tried very hard to make me happy.
This is what I got:
1)Two stepchildren who treated me like dirt.
2)A wife who didn't know how to make anything for dinner but reservations.
3)A wife whose only interest in me was how much money she could get. [And all
this time we thought Jeffe was just embezzling it!]
4)A wife who disparaged my family and ruined all my existing friendships.
5)Finally, the best thing I got was a bitter, expensive divorce.
Ann, tell you readers that anyone who is married and has his or her next mate
all lined up is looking for trouble. People don't know what they are giving up
until they no longer have it. Then it's too late.
---OTIS IN WISCONSIN.
Well, gosh, perhaps all those silly rumors from the Gulf War were true after
all.....
Grinnin Foole
####===================================================================####
The Wonderful World of Spode
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 1991 22:30 HKT
From: God of Chaos <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: a few from Lai See
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 27 August 1991
_Involuntary_
Ms Susie Young is co-ordinator of the Jubilee Play group, a team
of volunteers who give up their free time to work with Vietnamese
children in Hongkong.
She decided that she could do with a bit more help, so she
advertised for volunteers to help out.
"To date I have had three phone calls asking how much the 'job'
paid," she sighed, wondering if this was a reflection of Hongkong
concerns.
Real volunteers can call her on 813 2800.
Reminds us of the save-the-rainforests campaign in Hongkong this
year, during which the organizers got a call from a chap wanting to
sponsor an acre of rainforest so he could chop it down and develop
property on it.
+++++++++++++++++++++
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 12 August 1991
_Hold the phone_
While mobile phones are dandy fashion accessories, we've learned
they can also be useful for other things such as making phone calls.
We learned this when Alun Stern of Kwong Fat Offset Printing told
us of an ordeal he had while trying to buy six Macau jetfoil tickets at
the booking counter of the Shun Tak Centre.
He tried to pay with his Diners Club card, but was told the
counter did not take credit cards. He found this strange since there
was a credit card machine and vouchers sitting on the counter.
He said so, but was told credit cards were used only for telephone
bookings. Anyone paying in person had to pay cash.
Without moving so much as a millimetre, our alert Mr. Stern used
his mobile phone to buy the tickets and smiled at the clerk as he paid
with his Diners Club card.
Maybe they'd do better business if they installed a pay phone at
the counter.
+++++++++++++++++++++
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 12 August 1991
_Euphemistically_
One of our favourite magazines is manifesting a marked temporal
deficiency ... the April issue of _Quarterly Review of Doublespeak_ has
come out late.
Published by the National Council of Teachers of English in
Urbana, Illinois, the issue recounts the following terms for giving
people the sack: "Skill-mix adjustment, chemistry change, vocational
relocation, career assignment and relocation, realignment of the work
force, displacing personnel who have overlapping positions, involuntary
severance, and involuntary separation from the payroll."
Utah Power and Light refers to linemen as "outside aerial
technicians".
####===================================================================####
Otisian Questions and Answers
####===================================================================####
[Below is a series of letters mostly regarding dreams/visions a new Otisian
sent me.]
>Date: Fri, 04 Oct 91 15:17:11 CDT
>From: C552270@UMCVMB.missouri.edu
>To: mal@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
>Subject: otis
>
>mal, guess you got kicked off the other nite. i had a dream last nite
>about plungers. there was rev. john, elvis, and several strange men in
>fezzes. they were all carrying turbo-thrust hydromatic toilet plungers (an
>excellent brand i sold as a hardware salesman this summer. they handed me
>one, and pointed to a bronze, relief-covered toilet. I was confused in my
>dream, but i saw that the toilet was indeed clogged, so i used the plunger,
>and cleared the problem. then i awoke. what does this mean?
Dreams. Well, in the past pages of Purps you'll notice that we've had
dealing with other similar visions.
Let me first start off by pointing out that as quoted in previous issues of
Purps, most Otisians are not supposed to have direct access to these inner
"toilet mysteries", however, it would appear that you have somehow managed
to get clearance.
Before I explain the meaning of your dream, let me warn you that all the
actions of the "Toilet Mysteries" are very symbolic and esoteric and may
not always seem to be what they imply.
First off, I'm at a total loss to explain exactly where or what was going on
in it people wise. My nearest guess with Rev John and Elvis being present,
was that you were witnessing some sort of Otisian Political Party meeting.
I must stress however, at this time that the Otisian Party is denying all
reports of any "Toilet Mysteries" being performed.
"Toilet Mysteries", as we all well know from past issues of Purps, are done by
the super secret Knights of Otis. Need I say more? However, at this time as
far as anyone knows, Rev John and Elvis are not part of the Knights of Otis.
Perhaps the mysterious men in Fezzes are, seeing as one of the duties of the
Knights of Otis is the guard the mysteries of the Gobi Stone Fezzes.
However, shriners also wear Fezzes.
Now next let's look at these turbo-thrust hydromatic toilet plungers. First
off, they have never been mentioned (well at least in public) as being an
implement used in the most scared and secret "Toilet Mysteries". Besides,
these sound like very modern devices and I doubt they extend back to
ancient Sumerian or Dogon origins. However, as many students of Real
History know, the technology we now have is far inferior to what our
ancestors had (refer to the Cities of Red Night for details). Perhaps our
modern scientists have just rediscovered this hermetic instrument.
Now let's look at the bronze-toilet. The "Toilet Mysteries" use a white
toilet so what can this mean? Perhaps before pristine porcelain they had
bronze. Who knows.
Finally there's the plug itself in the toilet and you clearing it.
Okay so now that we've essentially dissected the parts of your vision we can
now interpret them.
The Turbo-thrust hydromatic toilet plunger is a new improved product of
technology (or old rediscovered technology). It is being used in place of
the sacred and ancient toilet brush. This is to show us that we must keep
up with modern technology.
Second a bronze toilet. Bronze the color of the sun. Perhaps a sun rise.
The blooming of a new golden age.
You, Elvis and the Rev John being there mean you are a part of it, while
those in Fezzes (the Knights of Otis) stand on as if to offer their
blessing.
So in one sentence it appears you are to be part of a new technological
age. This age will dawn like the sun upon us very soon which has the
blessings of the ancient Knights of Otis.
Will this do?
I'd appreciate a better description of exactly what was on the toilet
itself.
--------
>Date: Sat, 05 Oct 91 17:17:46 CDT
>From: C552270@UMCVMB.missouri.edu
>Subject: otis
>Dear Mal,
>
>Go ahead and use the note I sent you, PURPS must go on. However, I've
>still troubled. The stuff you sent me on toilet thrusting cleared up a
>lot, but I'm still troubled. Last night I had another experience. Dream
>or vision, I'm not sure. Mal, I dreamt I was in an Elvis movie last night.
>Elvis was in love with a rich man's daughter, and I, as his flunky, had to
>help them escape her father's clutches. This in and of itself was not
>remarkable, but again the subject of toilet thrusting came forth. Elvis,
>unlike his other roles, was not a singing race car driver, scuba diver,
>pilot, or anything as uninspired. Mal, Elvis was a plumber's assistant. A
>plumber's helper. And what is another name for Plunger but plumber's
>helper? And get this, he worked for SOG Plumbing Inc. Mal, I had this
>dream before I had even read the first Purps you sent me. Rev. John had
>never mentioned SOG to me before, and I've only met Stewy twice. This is
>scary, but also strangely calming. I feel more and more complete with each
>dream. Could Elvis be telling me something on a subconscious, or even
>GENETIC level? Please Mal, I have to know: What is SOG?
>Sincerely, Dr. Morpheus.
>
>
>ps You'll be happy to know, Elvis got the girl, and her daddy died and
>left them several million dollars.
>replies to c552270@UMCVMB
First off, SOG means Super Occult Goddess. Stewy can explain that to you
sometime or perhaps even give you a demonstration of her rather awe
inspiring powers. Powers no doubt, which will help the Otisian Party win the
Election in 1992.
Looking at this vision, I see there is probably quite a bit of confusion. No
doubt Spode is partially responsible for it and made many cameo appearances
in it. If you were a more experienced Otisian no doubt you would have
spotted him.
Chances are Elvis was probably a singing race car driver, or a scuba diver.
He just looked as if he was a plumber because he was carrying around an
assorted of "Toilet Mystery" paraphernalia. I suppose it's a common enough
mistake.
Also, I would guess that this supposed "girl" Elvis was dealing with was
not at all a girl, but some sort of allegory for the real truth behind the
dream. As we all know full well, Elvis has never had trouble with women. He
never had to deal with evil fathers. No doubt this allegorical girl is
similar to say the golden apples Hercules had to obtain.
SOG plumbing Inc. was either the Otisian Party or SOG Plumbing
Inc., meaning they were trying to fathom the depths of what an SOG is.
The weird behavior of Elvis and this SOG Plumbing business lead me to
believe that possibly this was not a vision sent by any positive Otisian
force, but a negative one. You dream vision may have been sent by one of
the Zachinthian Dream Machines, which have been making themselves felt in
various places around the world.
Perhaps what you were seeing was B. Otis, not Elvis and he was trying steal
from the rich old man (Otis) his allegorical daughter (his church or
followers). He was trying to get you to assist him and turn you against the
old rich man (Otis). The plumbing paraphernalia he presented to you in your
dream was to fool you into thinking he had the secret knowledge of the
"toilet mysteries". However, he gave himself away when he used the SOG
Plumbing bit. He needed to plumb the depths of SOG knowledge still and was
hoping your brief contact with the SOG herself might give him some clues.
Following this line of thought, we see that the end of your dream is one big
lie. Otis is certainly not dead--not by far. And she certainly still has
possession of her church.
No doubt these words will cause you great alarm and you'll wonder why you
of all people had this happen to you. It's rather obvious really. You are
new to the fold of Otis-- easily impressionable and not knowing all the
signs and secrets can easily be fooled by false visions. Also you are
acquainted with the Rev and Stewy. B. Otis and the Zachinthians want to use
that closeness as a weapon against them.
Defense against these Zachinthian dream attacks is very simply. In the words
of Rev John, "Tin foil!" The mind control technology of the Zachinthians
still needs a lot of work. Their signals are fairly weak. You can block
them out by simply wearing a tin foil head band. Make sure this head band
completely encircles your head and that it touches your left eye brow and
your right ear, for proper brain wave circuit alignment. This headband, for
added protection, can be grounded by simply connecting a wire to the very
back of it, right over your spinal column, and having that wire drag along
on the ground.
####===================================================================####
Fourth Installment from the Ancient Otisian Books
####===================================================================####
79. Woe, then, to those who write the book with their hands and then say:
This is from Otis, so that they may take for it a small price; therefore
woe to them for what their hands have written and woe to them for what they
earn.
80. And they say: Fire shall not touch us but for a few days, for we have
purchased durable asbestos underwear. Say: Have you sent your money to
Otis, then Otis will not fail to perform His promise, or do you speak
against Otis what you do not know?
81. Yeah whoever earns the praise of B. Otis and his Zacanthians , these
are the inmates of the darkness; in it they shall abide. And there meals
shall be cold and grey for lack of that which cooks food.
82. And (as for) those who believe that everything forbidden is optional,
these are the dwellers of the garden; in it they shall abide. And the
Zakinthians will slouch around the walls outside moaning and gnashing their
teeth at their horrible fate.
83. And when Otis made a covenant with the children of Atlantis: You shall
not serve any but Otis and you shall send money, and respect that which is
the house of Blue Light and the needy, and you shall speak to men good
words and keep up prayer and remember Otis in all things. Then you turned
back except a few of you and (now too) you turn aside.
84. And when Otis made a covenant with you: You shall not shed your blood
and you shall not turn your people out of your cities; then you gave a
promise while you witnessed.
85. Yet you it is who slay your people and turn a party from among you out
of their homes, backing each other up against them unlawfully and exceeding
the limits; and if they should come to you, as captives you would ransom
them-- while their very turning out was unlawful for you. Do you then
believe in a part of the Book of Otis and disbelieve in the other? What
then is the reward of such among you as do this but disgrace in the life of
this world, and on the day of turning off of the reality projector they
shall be sent back to the most grievous chastisement, and Otis is not at
all heedless of what you do. For like the like bearded fat man in red, she
watches over many things like a shepherd over sheep, like a cook over a
boiling pot.
86. These are they who buy the life of this world for the hereafter, so
their chastisement shall not be lightened nor shall they be helped.
87. And most certainly Otis gave Qasireu the Book and Otis sent Knights
after him one after another; and Otis gave Wanaka the Conqueror, clear
arguments and strengthened him with the blue light, What! whenever then
Knight came to you with that which your souls did not desire, you were
insolent so you called some liars and some you slew-- or so you thought,
only to have them raise up the following morning and embarrass you with the
inspired wit of Otis.
88. And they say: Our hearts are covered. Nay, Otis has cursed them on
account of their unbelief; so little it is that they believe.
89. And when there came to them a Book from Otis verifying that which they
have, and aforetime they used to pray for victory against those who
disbelieve, but when there came to them (Pope) that which they did not
recognize, they disbelieved in him; so Otis's curse is on the unbelievers.
90. B. Otis is that for which they have sold their souls-- that they should
deny what Otis has revealed, out of envy that Otis should send down of His
grace on whomsoever of Her servants He pleases; so they have made
themselves deserving of wrath upon wrath, and there is a disgraceful
punishment for the unbelievers.
91. And when it is said to them, Believe in what Otis has revealed, they
say: We believe in that which was revealed to us; and they deny what is
besides that, while it is the truth verifying that which they have. Say:
Why then did you kill Otis's Popes before if you were indeed believers?
92. And most certainly Qasireu came to you with clear arguments, then you
took the great stuffed moose head (for a god) in his absence and you were
unjust.
93. And when Otis made a covenant with you and raised the mountain over
you: Take hold of what Otis had given you with firmness and be obedient,
being careful not to lose they grip for it is slippery as warm yak grease.
They said: We hear and disobey. And they were made to imbibe (the love of)
the great stuffed moose head into their hearts on account of their unbelief
Say: B. Otis is that which your belief bids you if you are believers.
94. Say: If the future abode with Otis is specially for you to the
exclusion of the people, then invoke death if you are truthful.
95. And they will never invoke it on account of what their hands have sent
before, and Otis knows the unjust.
96. And you will most certainly find them the greediest of men for life
(greedier) than even those who are the followers of the Salesman; every one
of them loves that he should be granted a life of a thousand years, and his
being granted a long life will in no way remove him further off from the
chastisement, and Otis sees what they
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND
####===================================================================####
--SUBINK 1991
