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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 26
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** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 26
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/43 Mitchell Grant Way/ Bedford, MA 01730-1264
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INTRO
===========================================================================
Well here we are once again. As usual I'm cobbling this together at the
very last instant. I suppose I should stop doing these things, still you
got a purps right and it's on time.
Anyways on with the show. I want to get this sent out. It's already late as
is.
Inside you'll find:
Demonic Possession
Optima Plan Part III
Crack Crazed Rodents
Wacky News from Hongkong
A New Otisian Talks to Mal
Men's Unspoken Rules
Join Up Now!
Boar Sperm
More from Hongkong
Plagiarizing Multiple Personalities
Lazarus Act
News of the Weird
Revelations of a SOG
More New from Hongkong
So You Want to Submit to Purps
More News of the Weird
Elvis Does it Again
Naked During Sex
Baby with the Bath Water
More from Hongkong
Football: Religious Rite
Roller Coaster of Death
And Still More NOTW
Polish Folk Magick
A still More News of the Weird
Walt Frozen
The Final Word from News of the Weird
===========================================================================
DEMONIC POSSESSION
===========================================================================
From: jbs@rti.rti.org (Joe Simpson)
Subject: Re: Computers and daemonic possession
Date: 15 Jul 91 21:33:50 GMT
[stuff deleted]
I even still had this one archived.
From the Weekly World News, date unknown (Ca. 1986):
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Desperate Bank Officials hire Indian Holy Men to Exorcise...
D E M O N C O M P U T E R
* It's killed two women and put one in a coma *
By Robin James
Officials of a large bank have called in exorcists to rid a possessed
computer terminal of the demon that killed two workers and put another in
a coma.
"It sounds absurd and superstitious in these days to talk about demonic
possession, but we have no other explanation," said Jorge Montalbo, vice
president of customer relations at the bank in Valparaiso, Chile.
In just five months since the terminal was installed, three operators
were stricken while at its keyboard.
"Our employees refuse to work with it and fear that if the terminal is
removed, the demon inside will slip into the entire computer system."
The terminal, consisting of a TV screen and keyboard, was one 13
installed in the bank along with a new $7.3 million computer system, said
Montalbo.
Two weeks after she began working with it, Louisa Morello, a
27-year-old mother of two, was found sitting before the video screen, her
mouth open and an empty look in her eyes. She was rushed to a hospital
where she remains -- in a brain dead coma, said Montalbo.
Two other women also worked with the terminal. Each was found by
co-workers slumped over the keyboard -- dead. Doctors said the first died
of a massive stroke.
No one knows what killed the other, a 22-year-old-girl with no medical
problems. Baffled doctors who performed an autopsy labeled her death as
due to "mysterious circumstances," he said.
"At first, we decided to just remove the terminal," said Montalbo. "But
the workman who came to carry it away fainted when he tried to unplug it
from the system. Luckily, he revived a few minutes later.
"But our employees began calling the terminal cursed by the devil and
possessed. A spokesman for the workers said they will all quit unless holy
men are brought in to vanquish the evil within the device."
Montalbo also said the bank has sent for three Inca spirit-breakers who
live high in the Andes, 200 miles from the city.
Meanwhile, the terminal has been cordoned off and the terrified bank
workers give it a wide berth.
"If the exorcism doesn't work and someone else dies while using the
terminal, we'll have to scrap all of our computers and spend millions
getting a new system," said Montalbo.
"Otherwise, no one will work here."
===========================================================================
OPTIMA PLAN PART III
===========================================================================
Date: Sun, 21 Jul 91 23:40:18 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: never too early
well since I didn't get around to doing clippings for purps 24, here's
Optima Plan part 3 way early. hopefully I'll get off my butt and do
clippings this time out. stewy already has seen this story and is writing
a new one that ties into it. more to come. this is just the beginning...
;-)
Rev
Optima Plan, part three
by Rev. John
uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu
Steph glanced around the bus. There were perhaps thirty people on
board this Chicago-Milwaukee run. She would have preferred to fly but
Spode was a bit low on cash at the moment (hopefully the 1-900 plan
would take care of that) so taking the Greyhound route was about the
only option.
The other passengers were rather seedy-looking. The bus had stopped
for over half an hour in some corn-pone Wisconsin town while she slept.
When she woke up, everyone who had been on was gone, and in their place
were these sluggish louts. Most of them looked semi-comatose and likely
were on food stamps.
She fingered the file of clippings nervously. They had not been taken
from the regular daily paper she got the usual News Of The Weird items
from. Rather, they had come to her in an unmarked envelope, slipped
under her door. She had built up a wide network of contacts in the
greater Chicago area and apparently it had finally paid off. The
clippings were standard NOTW's but with curious little marks and dots
on them. She figured they were some sort of code, but just what they
meant would be up to the OTISian party's super computers in Florida.
About then the bus passed an on-ramp and a bulky black van pulled up
alongside. Abruptly the driver's window on the van rolled down and an
arm reached out, holding a device apparently made of cardboard and tin
foil. A bent-out-of-shape coat hangar protruding from the top began
to whirl, and suddenly the driver of the bus collapsed onto the floor.
There was a sudden squeal as the wheel turned with the man's comatose
hand and the bus angled onto the shoulder of the road. The other
passengers on the bus looked alarmed. Steph clutched the envelope even
tighter and tried to get a look at the driver of the sinister black
van.
Over half of the passengers produced weapons from their coats
and bags, and a hail of gunfire blew out the right-hand windows. Steph
briefly glimpsed one of the passengers clambering over the front seat
to grab the wheel.
Bullet holes tracked across the side of the black van, in a trail of
sparks and ricochets that suggested that the vehicle was heavily plated.
A vent on top of the van popped open. From a speaker somewhere within
came a stunningly loud voice.
'Ephstay, uckday!' came the shout, and Steph's training kicked in.
Recognizing the OTISian Standard Pig Latin Code she hunched down to the
floor. From the open vent on top of the van a machine gun angled up and
out, and began spraying the side of the bus as casings skittered down
the road behind. The curious passengers twisted and jerked as the
dum-dum rounds struck in great bloody blossoms. When the fire cleared
and Steph glanced up, the van had pulled off the road and was following
along the slowing bus. Shortly both vehicles came to a stop. A figure in
dark clothing hopped out of the driver's seat of the van and burst into
the bus.
'Let's roll Steph they got a convoy coming,' Shark yelled through the
thick smell of cordite and fluids. Steph bounded out of her seat,
grabbing her attache as she did so. The two of them hurried out of the
bus and into the van, and inside of a minute the bus stood alone on the
side of the road.
'So what's on the tapes?' asked Stewy as Rev stood there looking smug
as usual.
'Information,' he said. 'Some stuff that SamHill dug up. I just got it
cracked.'
'So? What's it about?'
'Well it's about the births of the divine children, and their
significance in the New World Order.'
'You mean Humpy Stumpy's and Shark's?'
'Not just them.. the rest, too.'
'The rest? How many divine children are there?'
Rev was quiet for a moment. When he spoke it was in a soft voice that
betrayed his amazement at what he was saying.
'All of them.'
'All? All of what?'
'All of them. The appearance of Humpy Stumpy heralded not just the
births of the divine children we knew of. Her appearance signified a lot
more.'
'So what do you mean, all of them? How many?'
'All of them. Like from now on. Every child born after Humpy's is a
divine child.'
'What?!?'
'SamHill was looking into the existence of Heaven and Hell, after all
that business with Mal taking over Hell and all. Well, from what he
found, it seems that Satan disappeared a heck of a lot farther back than
anyone ever thought.'
'Slow, Rev, slow. What's the deal?'
'Okay, from what SamHill found out, Hell was actually more or less
disbanded back in the dark ages. The people of Earth were locked into a
period of zero growth, zero knowledge, so OTIS worked out a deal for
Satan to give up his job. In exchange, all the demons fled hell and came
to live within the souls of man. So instead of hell being this external,
mythical force, people learned to confront their own demons from within.
The result was electrifying: the Renaissance was the first and most
important result. For the first time, humanity realized that evil could
be found within itself, as well as without.'
'And?'
'Well that's just it. The appearance of Humpy the Stumpy Bear in our
world means that Heaven has finally decided to do the same thing. All
that is base and evil already exists within humans (along with the basic
neutrality we started with). Now, Humpy Stumpy's coming signifies the
merging of all that is good and right with humanity. Finally, the true
promise of Eden will come to fruition.'
'Which means?'
'Humpy - or Eve, whatever you want to call her - is bringing about the
ultimate merging of Heaven, Hell, and Humanity. OTIS set it in motion
back when he captured God (stubborn old fool) and shut him away down in
the abandoned depths of Hell.'
'But I thought Mal was the one who did that.'
'That's just it. That's what we never figured on.'
'What?'
'Mal is OTIS.'
Stewy's butt fell off.
to be continued
===========================================================================
CRACK CRAZED RODENTS
===========================================================================
From: ldoering@caen.engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering)
Subject: The Weekly World News strikes again!
The July 23 issue of the WWN blows the lid off the latest hazard menacing
residents of New York City. If you thought albino alligators in the sewers
were bad, brace yourself for the CRACK-CRAZED SQUIRRELS!
--------------
"Squirrels go nuts over crack cocaine"
Big-city squirrels have become addicted to discarded crack cocaine --
and they're ripping innocent people to shreds in a drug-crazed search for
more!
"It's worse than anything we saw in the hippie drug years of the '60s and
'70s," observed Carl Langford, a New York City parks supervisor.
[...]
"Whenever you get scavenging wildlife eating refuse in city streets, you're
bound to get a few animals with illegal drug problems," said Dr. Nathan
Connors, a social anthropologist with a U.S. anti-drug task force.
He said that in the past, when LSD and marijuana were drugs of choice,
"a squirrel would devour a remnant of a marijuana cigarette or a dose of
LSD, then have a bad trip. But these were isolated episodes. There
was none of the pitched violence and mayhem that we're now seeing with
squirrels on crack," Connors said.
"When they're flying high, a pack of crack-crazed squirrels can chew a man's
leg off in no time," Langford added.
Sharp-eyed pedestrians can protect themselves by looking for telltale signs
of these furry, four-legged druggies. Authorities say that crack-addicted
squirrels can be easily recognized "by their dilated pupils and heavy
breathing. Also, they tend to scratch a lot since they're often infested
with crack-dependent fleas and ticks."
--------------
Larry
"Madonna Says Space Aliens Cloned Hitler To Help Bigfoot Steal Her Baby"
Doering
===========================================================================
WACKY NEWS FROM HONGKONG
===========================================================================
South China Morning Post - 11 July 1991
Gloria Estefan's fans of the male persuasion are seizing the moment
on Gloria's _Into The Light Tour_ and flinging their underwear at the
Miami singer at the rate of about a dozen pairs a night, _USA Today_
reports. Noting the upscale nature of her audiences, Estefan said:
"Calvin Klein is the No 1 brand."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday Morning Post Magazine - 19 July 1991
--on July 19, 1965: The first volume of Chairman Mao Tse-Tung's selected
works was published in Braille.
--on July 20, 1875: Professional football was legalized in Britain.
[and look what this came to! -Spode]
--on July 22, 1934: US Public Enemy No 1, John Dillinger, was hot dead
by FBI agents outside a Chicago theatre.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991
_Night Safe_
Headhunter Glendon Rowell of Boyden International told us that the
best bit of wisdom he had heard about the banking crisis came from his
amah:
She said: "If God had wanted us to have banks, he would not have
given us mattresses."
==========================================================================
A NEW OTISIAN TALKS TO MAL
==========================================================================
[This is probably a bit garbled and confusing but I thought it was amusing
at the time so I threw it in here. Here yet again are more important clues
to Otis.]
<Mal> the Popes b-day is his b-day celebration. Last time around the forces
of evil assassinated him. This woman leapt out of a cake and
machine gunned him down.
<Mal> the pilgrimage is a trip to Otis Mass. You eat at the Chicken Licken
restaurant and have a ceremonial viewing of Brows Balls.
<New> what is brows balls?
<Mal> Well brows.. well testicles (or however you spell them)
<Mal> Brow is yet another Otisian deity. Brow is rather violent and has a
bad temper.
<New> The what do you see at Brow Balls?
<Mal> Well brows balls are in a jar of rubbing alcohol in the museum at
Otis Mass.
<New> Wait, are there real followers here?
<New> how many?
<Mal> Nope just you and me now.. Followers where in Mass? Quit a few.. the
Pope is there after all.. and Preacher Tim and his house of blue light.
<Mal> Otis is a global religion now. Australia, Russia, England,
everywhere.
<New> ..no all over...how many in all?
<New> What do these people do besides make purps...
<Mal> Dunno I must have about 100 on line with the dis and it getting
splattered all over the place. Dunno the Pope must have over 200 last time he
counted on his snail mail.. probably a lot more now. We've exploded over
the past few months.
<Mal> Well we just on here make purps. They out there do the Otisian
Directory. a directory of really neat stuff you can get thru the mail like
zines and crap. And there are the weekly mailing of Otis stuff. Also the
various rituals and secret
<New> So what do you all do? just have parties?
<Mal> initiation documents.
<New> zines? crap?
<Mal> Parties.. those are sacred rights. We do expeditions too. The Pope went
to Europe and beyond for a year.
<Mal> zines=magazines crap=all manner of weird and wild things.. tapes,
artifacts, mail art, books, records.. you name it.
<Mal> One of our loyal followers just went off to the Soviet Union too.
<New> what sacred rights?
<New> expeditions for what?
<Mal> Rites to worship Otis of course. Otis needs to be worshiped and
besides it's fun.
<New> What does Otis need?
<Mal> Well to gain more knowledge and converts. I mean you don't think Dr.
Simpson got all the stuff for Otis by sitting around on his butt do you?
<Mal> Otis needs everything really. Especially money though. Setting up a
1-900 number ain't that cheap.
<New> Dr. Simpson?
<Mal> Dr. Simpson the Castrated. He's the real scholar of the lot. He did
an expedition to the Gobi in search of remnants of the Cities of Red Night
and got castrated in the process. He did however discover the infamous
Stone Fezzes and various secret rites involving yaks.
<New> yaks?
<Mal> Now he's working on an exacting time line of the Otisian Movement.
Which stretches back to the dawn of time.
<Mal> Yaks.. large furry/hairy cow type beast found in tibet.
<New> ...does everyone have to go through an initiation process?
<Mal> used as a beast of burden and by some as a warped recreational
device.
<New> What do you have to do for initiation?
<Mal> Only if you want.
<New> kiss the yak?
<Mal> Well we can't tell you that since it's a secret. You'd need to talk
to the Pope. I can't initiate you.
<New> So what happens after initiation?
<Mal> Kiss a yak. No.. We do not do anything to yaks! the rumors of such
things were started up by the evil B. Otis and the Zacharians.
<Mal> Oh you go on to do bigger and better things. Help fight the evil B.
Otis. Do a tour of duty in the invisible navy, be a curator at the Otis
Mass. Museum... write for purps (though anyone can do that.)
<Mal> Oh and preach to the masses the truth of Otis.
<New> Where and how do you preach the masses on the truth of Otis? What is
the truth of Otis?
<Mal> Man the phone lines on the 1-900 number.
<Mal> Well it's all encoded there in the Purps. It's all rather complicated
and part of the initiation is finding out for yourself.
<New> Why does Otis need a 900 number?...for what?...this is confusing...
<Mal> Well Otis needs a 900 number to spread the word of course. You can
call it up and be enlightened. The Rev John has a campaign ad on there for
the Otisian party.
<New> mal, how many issues of purp have been published?
<Mal> Well of course it's confusing. You only discovered Otis today. Look
how confusing xianity is to the uninitiated.
<Mal> 25.. 26 by tomorrow.
<New> xianity?
<Mal> Christianity.
<Mal> Look at the blood and body bit. That's pretty confusing to the
ignorant.
<Mal> Of course the Otisians are not Cannibals.
<New> mal, do you get paid for all this?...does the Pope get paid?..does
anyone?
<Mal> Paid? This is a religion. You're not supposed to get paid for doing
religion. The Pope just needs money for his publications and religious
paraphernalia. And to subsidize Dr. Simpson's exotic expeditions.
<New> Where is Dr.simpson?
<Mal> Pittsburgh now. He's doing some research for his next expedition.
<Mal> They are still looking for skilled diggers I think. (there's a blurb
out that in the purps I sent you.)
<New> skilled diggers? to where? has he decided?
<Mal> those stone fezzes still need to be investigated.
<New> stone fezzes?
<New> ...guess you keep up with all these thing huh...mal...are you
required to memorize them?
<Mal> Hmm not sure. Dr. Simpson is not telling many people where he's
going. he had some trouble last time he went.
<Mal> I keep up cause I have contacts with the inner circle. This is
important stuff so I have to have it memorized.
<New> oh...well, where did simpson go last time?
<Mal> To the Gobi.. well that's the last one they told me about.
<New> Why the gobi...to find what?
<Mal> Gobi has a lot of weird stuff few have found.
<Mal> OH because of the Cities of Red Night that were once there.
<New> ...cities of Red Night?
<Mal> There are a lot of rumors floating around the gobi used to be a
tropical paradise with advanced cities and stuff.
<New> Where does the Doc get his money from?
<Mal> 7 cities (don't quote me on it.) William S. Burroughs wrote a book
on them.
<Mal> Also Carcosa could have been in the Gobi as well. Or something that
came before Atlantis. Or even Valsuria land of the Serpent People.
<Mal> From grants mostly and his own pocket. there are a lot of people
who's names don't wish to be associated with such things that give him
money.
===========================================================================
MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES
===========================================================================
[Yet another article on Men. We seem to be starting some kind of series
here.]
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 1991 21:39 HKT
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
----- Begin Included Message -----
M A N -- To -- M A N
--------------------
MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES
...................
By Mark Canter
For modern men, we've compiled a brief list of those unspoken
guidelines. These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that
we've documented them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and
say, "See, honey, I'm not the only one who does this stuff..."
THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:
* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost....
Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street
of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and
Clark explorers of old.
* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy...because
he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.
* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both
sides....It's all about who's out in front.
* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're
a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car won't run and
you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked
the compression?"
* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as
simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple as
oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical
engineer.
* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular
sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo, he's really
something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."
* Never admit you don't understand a political issue.... Opinions are like
whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.
* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there's a remote control handy
...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in
the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel....It's
unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your
feet.
* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like
"Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that
awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once
she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you
value his friendship.
* If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it
hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue.
But never reveal it to the other guy.... "Coach, when you said I was a
low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made
me feel small and sad."
* Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex
life to another guy...unless the guy is your urologist.
* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He
should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should
be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess....Having
met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned
about such things.
* If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used,
proceed to the farthest available urinal. If a line has formed, maintain
proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the urinal....
Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds, don't just stand there
like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, any more and the guy next to you will
probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk
away.
* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're
finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if
you were preparing for brain surgery.
* If you can't take it, you're not a man (whatever "it" might be)....Maybe
you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one,
you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never
hear the end of it.
* Ignore or deny physical pain...As comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike
Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret did
in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's
all, just stunned.'"
* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys....That's
between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like saying,
"how do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it--
here and here."
* If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's
Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound
those calories into submission.
* Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor a
Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before,
he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a
reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
* If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of
Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on
Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative
comments like "WOW! Check that out!"...and if you're alone, study and
quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.
* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie
department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a
mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.
==========================================================================
JOIN UP NOW!
==========================================================================
Are the pressures of your ordinary mortal existence getting you down? Have
you no where to turn for help? Does it seem like everyone has deserted you?
Ever notice how elevators have Otis written on them?
Ever notice what that guy on the Andy Griffith show who was drunk all the
time was saying?
Ever listen to Otis Reading?
Do you know why they called a town in Mass. Otis?
Have you heard whispers of the infamous Haystack monument?
Do you want to know the secret Masonic Signal For Distress?
Ever thought of making a sound religious investment?
If you can say yes to any of the above questions then Otis is for you! Yes,
Otis the modern stream lined religion. No blood! No guts! Why sit on your
fat butt in church when you could be out playing bartrek?
As Vice Presidential Candidate Stewy says: "Well, if I have to pick one,
it's gonna be Otis stuff. It's easy to read, sounds cool and he uses
todays lingo."
Yes fill that vacuum in your life with Otis. Learn the secret doctrine of
Pope Cool I. Learn to speak globalized neo-Latin!
Stop being jealous of all those other secret societies. Otis is for you.
They'll turn green with envy when they hear the news you sent you money
into Otis.
Who's Otis you ask? Why he's none other than the multisex and omnipotent
ancient god of Sumeria. Who needs a new fangled Christian god when you can
have the real stuff. An ancient Sumerian god. He's had thousands of years
more practice at being a god. She knows exactly what her worshipers want
and demand so little in return.
Join up now before it's too late! Ragnorock is rapidly approaching. When
they pull the plug out of the great reality projector who's side will you
be on?
==========================================================================
BOAR SPERM
==========================================================================
[Yes it' science time once again folks. Remember in the last issue we
brought you the excitement of testicle exams, this time we have boar
sperm. Not only can Purps be entertaining and enlightening, it can be
educational.]
From: mayers@cemmva.cem.msu.edu
Subject: Re: Boar sperm mishaps
Date: 2 Aug 91 20:03:52 GMT
Seeing as SIKES isn't the storytelling type, lemme give it a try.
The interesting point in this story is that the friend just happens
to be a minor (she's 16). The legal implications might be interesting.
The collection of the Boar sperm is normally handled by trained personnel,
but on the day in question all of them had maliciously disappeared. The
girl's professor/mentor was forced to do the collecting himself. The
normal donor bull was not in, so a young, inexperienced boar was led into
the stall. The professor collected the semen using what they call the
"Gloved hand method" without gloves, and eventually had a milk jug like
container full of semen. A cheesecloth was placed over the mouth of the
container and the whole thing was inverted to let unimportant liquids drain
off. (Sperm Concentrate? Will it replace Vegemite?) Then she and her
professor tried to get the boar back in his stall. But by this time the
boar had figured out that they weren't pros, and got free. The boar ran
amok, and circled the stalls where the other boars were penned up. My
friend left her professor to catch the boar, because it was time to turn
the milk jug over and take off the cheesecloth. She got the first part
done, then it happened. She only grabbed one side of the rubber band
holding the cheesecloth on the jug (it was the side nearer her.) When she
pulled, the cheesecloth came flying off and narrowly missed her. What
followed it did not. She was covered from her hair to her waist in Semen
Concentrate (which stinks rather badly: see discussion of garlic eaters'
semen, then think of what boars eat). The stuff even got in her blouse.
Yech!
At any rate, she took four showers, and now washes her hands every 15
minutes. Trauma like this might permanently turn her into a vegetable,
or, even worse, a scientologist!
Psycotherapists who work cheaply are desperately needed in this case.
Hope you enjoyed the show.
-Anson "Wow, my first quotes-inbetween-my-names-thingy" Mayers
--
"My mind is a terrible thing to waste." -Dan Quayle
"Live long and prosper." -Leonard Nimoy
MAYERS@CEMVAX.CEM.MSU.EDU MAYERS@CEMMVA.CEM.MSU.EDU
MAYERS@MSUCEM.bitnet CEMVAX::MAYERS
The views expressed herein may not be viewed by viewers without viewing
assistance from a viewing apparatus.(In my view, at least.)
===========================================================================
MORE FROM HONGKONG
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 1991 21:41 HKT
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: Two more from Hong Kong
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991
_Colour of Money_
A contact of ours known as Mr X was in a jewelry shop on Nathan
Road, helping a tourist buy a watch.
He handed over a $500 banknote for a $400 watch.
The jewelry owner in return handed the tourist a wad of red
$10 notes.
"Hang on a minute," said Mr. X. "Hongkong $10 notes aren't red."
"Oh, yes, they are," said the shopkeeper.
"But I've been here for years and I've never seen red ones."
"Er. They are new. They have just been issued."
Anyway, Mr. X demanded that the tourist receive the change in normal
green ones and they left the shop.
What a strange story. Is this a currency-switch con that tourists
should watch out for?
Or have Hongkong counterfeiters been using cheap colour photocopiers
again?
[note from Spode: until I get around to screwing it up, $10 notes are green,
$20 notes are orange, $50 notes are purple, $100 notes are red, $500 notes
are brown, $1000 notes are yellow.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
South China Morning Post - 22 July 1991
_Sterilization Fears Cause School Panic_
Hundreds of parents, fearful that immunization of their children
could lead to sterilization, surrounded a school in east China's Jiangxi
province armed with iron bars and knives, the _Xinmin Evening News_
reported.
At other provincial schools in Yichun city, students gathered outside,
afraid to be inoculated against disease because of rumors that it would
make them sterile.
And in villages parents snatched children from school when they saw
the inoculation van.
The newspaper said the rumors started because people confused the
Chinese word for immunization, *mianyi*, with the one for sterilization,
*mianyu*.
-Reuters
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991
_Cracking Pace_
Mr. Dino Chincotta, a lecturer at Hongkong University, was born in
Gibralter, Europe's fastest growing financial centre, and likes to keep
an eye on events in that part of the world.
Which is why he phoned to tell us that the "First Annual Nutcracking
With the Bottom" championships was recently held in the basque village of
Kortezubi, 199 miles from Madrid.
The contest was won by Spaniard Jose Luis Astoreka, 34, who crushed 30
walnuts using his buttock muscles in 57 seconds. His brother Juan Ramon
came second, according to Gibralter journal _Panorama_.
Would any Hongkong corporations fancy sponsoring this?
Mr. Chincotta said: "These are brave men. A miscalculation might have
resulted in more cracked nuts than they bargained for."
===========================================================================
PLAGIARIZING MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES
===========================================================================
From: ccuppern@s.psych.uiuc.edu (Cyndi Cuppernell)
Subject: Multiple personalities
Date: 17 Jul 91 18:24:15 GMT
From the July 16, 1991 Champaign-Urbana News-Gazette:
U.S. District Judge Harold Baker has dismissed the lawsuit filed by a
former University of Illinois graduate student who claimed his expulsion
for plagiarism was discriminatory because he suffers from a multiple
personality disorder.
Lary Sanders, who was a student in speech and hearing science, was
expelled in February for submitting a plagiarized paper to his advisor,
Joan Erickson. Sanders said in court documents that one of his
personalities had submitted the paper to get Erickson's attention.
end of quote.
The judge threw the case out. My husband suggested that the university
should have just expelled the one personality. My question is, did each
personality have to take the graduate entrance exam? What about tuition?
Were they each charged tuition?
Later in our newspaper (same issue) I found:
A syndicated thingy they put on the comics page is called "Our Fascinating
Earth". It includes all kinds of trivia about all kinds of stuff.
Yesterday's entry reads:
A-A-A-A-H-H-H-H!
In 1971 a Swiss couple vacationing in Hong Kong, stopped into a Chinese
restaurant for dinner, and asked the waiter to take their pet poodle,
Rosa, into the kitchen and feed her. THE WAITER MISUNDERSTOOD, and about
1 hour later HE SERVED THEM ROSA done to a turn in a sweet sauce and
garnished with vegetables. The meal was uneaten while the COUPLE WENT
INTO SHOCK.
end of quote.
Sounds kind of ULish to me. The newspaper's editor agreed with me.
Cyndi Cuppernell
===========================================================================
LAZARUS ACT
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 91 13:14:42 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: Lazarus act
well here's an article you might could use. no doubt other people will
type this in too but what the hey.
Rev
From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, July 22, 1991
(C)1991 Reuters News Service
Romanian Man Returns From The Grave
BUCHAREST, Romania - A woman fainted when she opened her front door in
Bucharest to see her husband back from the grave three days after he
was buried.
The mad - identified by the Romanian weekly Tinerama as Neagu - had
stopped breathing and collapsed in a fit of coughing after he choked
on a fishbone.
The family doctor, who knew Neagu had a heart ailment, did not think
twice when he proclaimed the 71-year-old man had died of a heart
attack.
But three days later, gravediggers at the cemetery heard someone knock
on wood.
They opened Neagu's coffin to find him alive among wilted flowers.
Neagu went back home - only to find that his wife and children did not
want him.
His wife, fearing he was a ghost, barred him from spending nights
at home.
His two sons told him to stay away from his grandsons.
The worst came when it took Neagu three weeks to persuade the police,
town hall officials, bank clerks, doctors and priests to cancel his
death from their registers.
----------------------------
This is, of course, a sign of great and awesome portent. Soon all the
old celebrities will pop back up and we'll have Fred Astair & Ginger
Rogers dancing again, John Wayne making films about Iraq, and the old
grandparents from the Waltons. All thanks to the OTISians of course.
The pope must be working overtime for all these miracles and things.
===========================================================================
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 23 Jul 91 18:54:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW, as usual
Grim humor from "Weird Undertaker Stories":
In Palermo, Italy, the funeral of Antonio Percelli was halted when
Percelli, mistakenly declared dead, climbed out of the casket. Percelli's
move so startled his mother that she died on the spot of a heart attack, &
was buried later at the gravesite that had been ordered for Percelli.
A New Jersey police chief was accused of ordering the opening of a grave
because he had realized that he had loaned the grieving family a hat for
the casket- viewing but had not gotten it back after the funeral.
And from "Unusual Weapons":
In Bedford TX, a 16-yr-old boy and 2 companions held up a 7-11 convenience
store in 1984, brandishing only a snake. They made off with 3 6-packs of
beer as the clerk wrestled with the biting but nonpoisonous garter snake
the youths tossed at him.
A 52-yr-old woman in Albany, NY successfully warded off a young man intent
on taking her purse, striking him repeatedly with a hot fudge sundae she
had just purchased at an ice-cream parlor.
The following has been seen on the net and in this distribution list quite
some time ago, from sources other than the official News of the Weird...
but bears repeating, I think:
In Birmingham, Alabama, a man was convicted of assault and battery after
hitting his wife over the head repeatedly with their 1-1/2 lb. chihuahua
during a domestic dispute.
And, as long as we're talking violence and death here, these are from the
chapter called "Spectacular Suicide Attempts":
Nino Placenza, 75, tried to kill himself in Bradenton, FL in 1983 by
drilling a hole in his head with a power drill, but only wound up in
intensive care.
A London man survived successive suicide attempts that involved driving
his car head-on at 70mph into a bridge embankment & grabbing a
132,000-volt power line.
Another Briton, from Taunton, failed in 7 attempts to kill himself after
break- ing up with his girlfriend in 1987. He threw himself at a total of
4 cars & 1 truck, jumped out of a window, & tried to strangle himself. One
of the car drivers suffered a heart attack, & 2 policemen were injured
trying to restrain the man.
A Lincoln, NE man was unsuccessful in his suicide attempt. He had dropped,
respectively, a telephone, a radio, an electric fan, & a toaster into his
bathtub while bathing.
A 17-yr-old bodybuilder leaped 135 feet from the San Mateo Bridge in CA,
intend- ing to commit suicide, but when the leap failed to kill him, he
swam 1/2 a mile to an embankment, fell asleep, then woke the next morning
& climbed a maintenance ladder under the bridge back to retrieve his
truck, which had just been towed away in preparation for rush-hour
traffic.
[And some successes from the same chapter:]
Doris Kennedy, 38 weeks pregnant, hanged herself to death in her London
apart- ment in 1985 because of depression resulting from construction
delays to the new baby's bathroom.
Roh Ki-hwa, 34, a Seoul housewife, hanged herself to death in 1987 because
she was embarrassed at her failure to prepare her husband's lunch on
schedule during a company picnic. She had forgotten to set her watch ahead
1 hour for the May 10 changeover to daylight savings time, Korea's first
such changeover in 25 years, & was thus 1 hour late in making the meal.
A 38-yr-old Orland Park, IL man, distraught over an argument with his
girlfriend about buying drapes, killed himself by cutting a hole in his
waterbed, sticking his head through it and drowning himself.
A man, about 35 years old but carrying no identification, shopping at a
Phoenix pawn shop, asked the clerk if he could plug in a 10" circular saw
to test it before purchasing it, then committed suicide by practically
cutting his head off.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Steph (StephK on IRC) "Walk lightly in your dreams;
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu They might come true for you tomorrow."
-- Kirsty McColl
Stephanie Klein "This country 'tis of them not me,
123 S. Madison And I spit when they tell me I'm free."
LaGrange, IL 60525 -- Pimentos for Gus
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
==========================================================================
REVELATIONS OF A SOG
==========================================================================
Revelations of a SOG
by Stewy
Huge women were lying on the floor of a large gym, breathing in an
erratic manner, yelping from pain and screaming at their husbands,
boyfriends or whomever they could get to come to the class and show
some shower of support.
"No way, I'm not going in there," Shark told herself and started to
walk out of the door but was somehow drawn back and found herself
sprawled on the floor, leaning against the wall and holding a small
teddy bear. "Damn you Gepherie, I'll get you for this one you
sleathing, good-for-nothing bastard!"
She held the white teddy bear in her strong hands, squeezed its neck
as if it were the Pope's head and an apparition appeared. "Breath
Shark, breath. In and out, in and out, just like normal, but you
like gotta do it a little faster and all." It was Stewy and Rev, an
image of each one in the eyes of the teddy bear and they weren't
looking like a summer's day.
"Guys, hey, glad you could make it. This lamaz shit is for the
fucking ducks, I'm telling you. I mean shit, look at all these fat
women and I still look the same as I did before I got pregnant, yet
DAMN those occasional kicks." She peered closer into the eyes of the
teddy bear and glanced around at all the people to make sure they
weren't watching her. Most of the women were too busy breathing and
screaming to notice Shark's little display of a minor aberration.
"Sheesh, you two don't look so good. What's up?" Shark asked in
between breaths as she found herself becoming slightly dizzy.
"We've had a few problems, but nothing that won't be fixed in a
jiffy. Code Purple-Level One," both Rev and Stewy said and
disappeared. With that, Shark hopped up from her mat and flew out of
the gym door, jumped into her compact car, put the teddy bear in the
passenger seat and strapped it in safely and blared AC/DC on the way
home.
Mal sat on the submarine ship amongst an array of flashing disco
lights, drinking a large chocolate Slim Fast and chatting with
Commodore Presley when Stewy and Rev appeared in the candle. "Psst,
like hey, yo Mal, over here," they said. Their images were
overlapped, but Mal could tell who was who with no effort at all.
"Well hello there. My, you two look like you've had a rough day. You
haven't disobeyed any of the gods, now have you?" Mal said with a
whisper and stared into the candle, stopping for a moment to glance
around the room and take a swig of his straight-up Slim Fast.
"Listen Mal, we've run into a few problems and we're gonna need some
help. Code Purple-Level One," they said and vanished. Mal returned
to his quarters with the Commander, closed the door and placed the
candle on the floor in the middle of the room. They meditated for a
moment, and Mal flipped his long bangs back so he could see what was
going on and sat on the floor Indian-style and waited for the next
message.
Shark arrived at her place, with Steph in hand, after a miraculous
rescue from members of the evil Optima Plan. They went to Shark's
personal hideout in a shed out in the small backyard of her parents'
Wisconsin home, closed the door and a small light from the ceiling
turned on. Shark pushed one of the levers hidden behind several
rakes and brooms and a small platform raised up from the ground. A
few seconds later, they found themselves underground in a top secret
OTISian office that Shark had built months ago in an effort to keep
all OTISian doings a secret.
"Like wow, what the heck is all this stuff?" Steph asked, dusting
off her Chucks that aided in her life being miraculously saved.
"Well, I'm the security advisor, I have to have all this security
stuff around, ya know. We can decode that information from the NOTW
clippings and get it sent to the rest of the crew, but we got a
special meeting coming up right around now," Shark said, staring at
her high-tech digital watch that doubled for a poisonous water
squirter.
They sat on two old stools and lit a special OTISian candle with
special OTISian matches that were flown in from Massachusetts
somewhere. Smoke began to fill the room and images of all the
presidential campaign OTISian members were visible except for the
Rev and Stewy.
"Oh, and just WHO the hell is gonna pay for my Mac?" Stewy sobbed,
staring at a mutilated glob of melting plastic.
"It'll be taken care of. You're a SOG, remember?" Rev said as he was
grabbing all the Chucks and placing them together to form a star.
"It's time," he said and lit a candle. Images of Mal, Humpy,
Commander Presley, Shark and Steph were all visible.
"OK, listen up. We've got a problem," the Rev said. "Optima Plan is
getting closer and we need the information like now. I've decoded
Samhill's messages and we need the info from Steph."
Shark removed the clippings from their casing and punched away at
the special OTISian computer for a few minutes before coming back to
the candle.
"I've got it and it's weird...very weird. I'll need a little more
time to check things out, work around some of the weirder coding and
I should have it all within an hour or so," Shark said into the
smokey mist.
Mal removed Humpy from his shirt pocket and put his ear to Humpy's
mouth and listened to every word with such care.
"Humpy says something is up. Something is gonna happen soon, but she
doesn't know what it is or when it'll happen. I think we need those
codes cracked like right away," Mal said with a serious look on his
face and put Humpy back into her home, resting somberly near Mal's
heart. On the night stand next to Mal's cot was Humpy's chariot, a
blue 'irregular' Converse All-Star.
"OK, we need all the pieces to the puzzle before we can see the big
picture, so send me the info as soon as you got it figured out,
Shark," Rev said as he stared at one of the holes in the apartment
that was allowing sunlight to peek into Stewy's pad.
Stewy's SOG powers were feeling an odd disturbance, but she shook it
off to concentrate on the candle's smoke. Now was not the time for
outside influences.
"Stewy, I'm feeling something weird. Something really weird," Steph
said. "It's my newly acquired SOG powers telling me something and
I'm kinda scared."
"I know, I'm feeling it too, but I don't know what it is and I
haven't time for this. I'm scheduled to do my press speech in ten
minutes over at the stadium," Stewy said feeling a tingle along her
spine.
"Well ok, let's get back together in two hours and compare notes,"
Rev said as he stood up and stared out the holes again. The images
faded and the candle went out.
Shark went about her business typing away at the computer, Steph
stood beside her watching, and the Commander and Mal were preparing
for the upcoming events. Mal walked over to the closet, opened a
special box marked 'COMBAT MATERIAL' and strapped on his jungle
boots in a matter of seconds.
"Listen Rev, my SOG powers are acting up and so are Steph's.
Something bad's gonna happen, so I'm going to have to temporarily
make you a SOG member until I can consult with Stewy the Vice
President in Charge of Membership and see what the deal is. But this
is only TEMPORARILY, so don't go like getting all happy or
anything."
A big smile appeared on the Rev's face and he was rubbing his hands
together like this was a big thing.
"But...you need CHUCKS and since we ain't got time to got get like
size 15 or anything, I'm gonna have to let you borrow a pair of
mine," Stew said walking to her closet to find a pair she had
planned on throwing away so she could cut the toe portion off so his
foot might fit, but she couldn't bare to part with any.
"Hmm, I can't do it. I just can't I tell you, but I'll like let you
put your big toe in one of them, so you can like at least get the
vibes and all."
"Damn, just when I thought I was gonna like become a real member,"
Rev said putting his big toe into one of the shoes. He held his
green hand, waved it about a little and WHAM, the Mac was fixed.
"I'll just work on this code stuff till you get done with the
speech."
"SHIT, how the hell did you do that? Holy buckets, my Mac, it's like
back," Stewy shouted with an overwhelming amount of joy.
"This had BETTER qualify me for SOG material now," he said with a
grin.
Stewy walked out of the apartment building, hopped into her car and
headed for the stadium. She kept feeling an odd disturbance, but
with the Rev temporarily having SOG powers and Steph being an
official member, there was no need to worry yet.
*** to be continued ***
==========================================================================
MORE NEWS FROM HONGKONG
==========================================================================
Date: Fri, 26 Jul 1991 13:35 HKT
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: a few tidbits from Hongkong]
South China Morning Post - 23 July 1991
[3-column wide photograph of man with massively bandaged ring finger of
left hand not included]
Australian trade union boss Frank Belan nurses his finger after the
top of it was bitten off during a heated discussion in West Sydney. Mr.
Belan, New South Wales secretary of the National Union of Workers, said
he was having talks with the Transport Workers' Union when he was attacked
by members of the other team.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 23 July 1991
_Flying Visit_
Mr Mike Murad, boss of the International Bank of Asia, won many
hearts with his response to the recent bank-run crisis. He took out a
full-page advertisement in this newspaper thanking loyal customers, and
saying "we understand" to the panicky ones who believed false rumours.
Today he is planning to personally visit 17 branches of his bank.
His staff have worked out his schedule to the second, including socialising
times and traveling times to Central, Sha Tin, Tsuen Wan and so on. He will
have precisely eight minutes to check out the staff at each of the 17
branches. Clearly he is going to give new meaning to the term "bank run".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
South China Morning Post - 18 July 1991
Gourmet's gallop ... well done, the management of the Horse and Groom
pub in Lockhart Road, Wan Chai. There doesn't seem to be a single spelling
mistake in the items listed in this menu (above), which is a real
achievement in Hongkong. What a pity they got their own name wrong on the
cover ...
[the photo above show the menu cover, declaring "The Hores & Groom
Pub & Restaurant".]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
South China Morning Post - 16 July 1991
_Achatina Fulica_
[photograph of three snails (and a human) left out - one snail was roughly
1" long and 1/2-1" high; the other was roughly 7-10" long and 4-6" high;
the third was another small one, tucked into its shell sand riding on top
of the big one.]
Australian quarantine officer Dennis Griffin keeps an eye on an [sic]
Giant African Snail, or Achatine Fulica, which dwarfs a couple of common
garden snails. Ten of the giant snails, banned in Australia, were brought
into the country by a Nigerian woman who claimed she was going to eat them.
They will be killed later this week. Members of the species weigh almost
half-a-kilogram each and as hermaphrodites able to lay 1,200 eggs a year
are the most sexually prolific snails in the world. For example, in 1975,
one of the snails was found in American Samoa. By August 1980, authorities
there found 21 million of the snails.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 16 July 1991
_Sweet and Sour_
The Hongkong Government, long searching for a way of widening the tax
base, should consider what California did yesterday: introduced a Munchy
Tax. This is a rise in the sales tax applied to items in an 87-page
compendium of snacks and sweets. This must be the first time any document
from a tax office has listed items such as "Rain Blo Neon Gum Shipper" and
"Pink Peeps". "We are not happy campers," said Don Beaver, head of the
8,000-member California Grocers Association, bitter understatement oozing
from every pore. "There are 4,000 different items [on the list] and we
asked the State that if they were going to do it, do it all, don't have
exemptions. But nooo, nothing's easy any more," he groaned.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 22 July 1991
_Local cabbies use a little spit and polish_
Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money for a taxi ride from the Conrad
hotel to Mid-Levels.
But this was a ride with a bit extra.
Our driver had taken to heart the suggestion that taxi-drivers should
try to make a bit of cash on the side by using their cars as mobile shops.
But since there is not much room in a cab, he had opted for a small-
volume, high-cost product: bird spit.
He had a perspex unit built onto the dashboard displaying six lumps
of solidified swallow's saliva, the main ingredient in bird's nest soup.
"One kilo costs [HK]$10,000 to $15,000," he said, handing a lump of
white-ish gooey stuff over his shoulder for us to fondle.
This grandiose gunge comes from nests in the cracks of mountains in
Indonesia and makes your face more beautiful, as well as prolonging your
life.
The driver's firm, Hing Tat Co, also offers a high-speed delivery
service for people in urgent need of swallow's saliva.
If you place an order for an eight of a catty or more, they promise
delivery within two hours.
Since it would be jolly hard to find the same taxi driver again,
passengers are urged to make a decision on the journey or take a telephone
number.
It seems to us that all they need now is a catchy slogan. Saliva
Arriva? Spitball Express? Gobspeed?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
South China Morning Post - 16 July 1991
_Sinatra still calling his own tune_
Getting an audience with Frank Sinatra is never an easy task for a
reporter.
Given Sinatra's rocky track record with journalists, the chances of
prising anything revealing out of him would seem difficult if not
impossible.
Writer Walter Thomas certainly learned his lesson when he tried to
write a story on Sinatra for _Interview_ magazine. The entertainer
came up with five conditions before he'd even agree to open his mouth
for Thomas.
-He would talk only before his show in New Jersey and only during
his stroll from the dressing room to the stage.
-The journalist would wait for him in a hallway under the supervision
of a security guard.
-He would agree to applaud Sinatra when he entered the hallway.
-He would not ask the singer for an autograph.
-The resulting story would use the name of a liqour manufacturer
sponsoring the singer's tour.
The longest quote Thomas got was when Sinatra asked a minder: "Are we
going to the car now?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991
_Dateline New York: Coming out with the bald truth_
-by Charles Bremmer [reprinted without permission]
For the past two years, some prominent Americans have lived in fear
of being "outed". This is the controversial technique, practiced by
Queer Nation and other militant homosexual groups, of exposing "closet
gays".
Film stars, politicians, television journalists and prominent
doctors and businessmen have featured on lists posted around New York
and published in magazines such as _Outweek_. That city weekly has just
closed as a result of feuding among the editors, but the militants of
Queer Nation have promised to fight on to reveal the homosexuality of
certain "politicians and Pentagon spokesmen".
Now a different militant group has latched on to the same logic.
The Bald Urban Liberation Brigade (Bulb) has informed New York news-
papers that it is embarking on "a radical media campaign to wrest the
toupees from the chrome domes of America's leading celebrities".
Bulb has already begun pasting up "Absolutely Bald" posters which
seem to be modeled on the Absolutely Queer ones circulated by the
homosexuals. The first victims include Ted Danson, the film star and
macho barman in _Cheers_, the most popular show on American television,
as well as Charles Bronson and Larry Hagman.
The stigma of hair loss seems to remain as strong as ever, despite
the efforts of the new "sensitivity police" to expunge discriminatory
thinking and speech. The hirsute should, we are told, avoid referring
to baldness as such and use instead the term "follically challenged".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the Pittsburgh (either 7/13 or 7/14) Press:
Word 'icon' misused
"I was appalled at the use of the word 'icon' in your July 9 article on
computers.
Being a member of the Antiochian Orthodox Church of North America, in
which 'icon' is a sacred word, I was amazed to see the use of the word
pertaining to pictures of pencils, paper, printers, etc.
But, then the word 'gay' has been misused in today's society."
Michael Cross
Carnegie, PA
Does this mean that a PC running windows is not PC ?
[This is perhaps related to the strange feeling I get whenever I mount
my hard disk. -Your Moderator]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
this one is a bit twisted. It was sent to me by someone living in Knox
County, Ohio - where I lived for nine years. Just hit delete if it
offends you too much...
You may be a Know County Redneck if ............
...you have more than three shirts with cut off sleeves.
...you have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...you show someone your belt buckle when they ask to see your I.D.
...your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips as she tells
the pat
rolman to kiss her fat ass.
...your dog and your wallet are both attached to a chain.
...your dog gags watching you eat your dinner.
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
an opening on the lube rack.
...you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
...you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
...you've had to scratch your sister's name off a restroom wall.
...your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
...your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
...Copenhagen sends you a Christmas card. [Copenhagen chewing tobacco -ed.]
...your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
...you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
...the directions to your house include "hang a left at the gravel road."
...you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
...your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
...after making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
South China Morning Post - 4 July 1991
_Dateline Beijing: A dog's life on the run in the city_
by Andrew Browne [reprinted without permission]
The scruffy mongrels in the Beijing animal shelter, some snarling
and angry, some eager for affection, have one thing in common: they have
all been rescued from China's "dog-beating squads".
It was here that Xiao Zhang brought her pet after four policemen
burst into her apartment one recent afternoon intent on beating it to
death.
"Two of the policemen pinned me down while the other two lashed out
at my dog with iron bars," she said. "Somehow I managed to wriggle free,
grabbed the dog and clasped it tightly against my chest."
The policemen left only after she promised to have the dog destroyed
herself.
"My poor pet had a red welt over one eye. She was shaking with
terror and crying, just like a person."
Stories like this are common in Beijing these days, where killing
squads have stepped up their campaign to rid the capital of dogs under
the slogans "Eliminate the Dog Pest" and "Exterminate Dogs to Prevent
Illness".
Rabies has become a serious health problem in parts of China, along
with other diseases spread by dogs.
In Xiao Zhang's case, armed policemen barged into the home of a young
woman to kill a pet, a ball of fluff no bigger than a miniature poodle,
which had been her friend and companion for two years.
After sneaking her dog across Beijing and into the animal shelter, Xiao
Xhang - a pseudonym she asked be used to protect her identity - was called
into her local police station and interrogated for an entire afternoon.
"They call themselves policemen," she said bitterly. "They're no
better than gangsters."
The animal shelter is run by an elderly Beijing woman affectionately
known as "Dog Mother".
Because its location must remain a secret from authorities, it is
forced to move from suburb to suburb to prevent betrayal by local residents.
It is a roving menagerie of cats and kittens, dogs and puppies that has
now found temporary shelter in a traditional Beijing courtyard home.
Behind bolted iron gates, the dogs are packed into tiny brick kennels
in the open courtyard surrounded on three sides by rooms of the house
and on the fourth by a high wall that keeps out prying eyes, but cannot
muffle the tell-tale barking.
"It's just inhumane," said the elderly woman, describing how she
rescued the dogs from the beating squads, who usually summon the owner
and a large crowd of neighbors on to the street before stuffing the
animals into sacks and bludgeoning them.
"It breaks the hearts of young people to watch. And just imagine
the feelings of the owner. It's plain uncivilized. How can people be
so cruel?" she asked.
According to Chinese press reports, the number of dogs has soared in
the countryside since 1979 under economic reforms that have enriched the
peasants.
Although many urban Chinese keep dogs as treasured pets, albeit cooped
up inside their homes for fear of discovery, attitudes towards dogs in
China are at best ambivalent.
A recent article in the _Farmer's Daily_, listing the uses of dogs,
started out by noting that dog skin sheets absorbed moisture and prevented
rheumatism. Dog skin whips produced a pleasing crack and dog flesh was
the sweetest meat.
"Apart from their nutritional value," the article concluded, "dogs
can provide excellent entertainment."
- R E U T E R -
==========================================================================
SO YOU WANT TO SUBMIT TO PURPS
==========================================================================
Over the past while since I've been editing this ugly monster, one question
that keeps popping up is: "What the Hell am I supposed to Submit!"
I generally answer: "Oh what Otis inspires you to create."
For some reasons this statement seems to be throwing people off balance.
So it seemed like high time I whacked out a little something about what we
seem to be looking for in purps.
Glancing over a typical of Purps, should tell you what we are looking for.
We're looking for weird news first off. We seem to get a lot of that. It's
neat stuff and rather popular but it's mostly filler material. If you can
do weird news, that's good. However we need other stuff.
We need Otis sightings. The Otisians need to begin creating a comprehensive
database of Otis manifestations throughout the universe. We need a directory
and possibly a Map of where all there manifestations can be found, so that
you as an Otisian can visit all these spots.
If you can't think of any other spots well the take a trip to Otis Mass.
and look around. There are plenty of mysterious happens there to write
about.
Another thing we need is more scripture. We need to fight fire with fire.
When those rabid Christians come pounding on your door wouldn't it be nice
to whip out your Otisian tome and floor them with more divine wisdom than
they can share a stick at? Think of the fun you'll have when these rabid
Christians begin to expound on sin, and you can flip through your Otisian
tome and point with a steady finger at the famous verse "Everything
Forbidden in Optional". Think of the look on their faces.
Another thing we can use are stories and other weird incidents. We need
Otis parables of modern life. We need little entertaining antidotes that
teach the lessor informed Otisian the true meaning of following in the
light of Otis.
We need articles on Chucks.
We need full blown stories. We have a hand full now but we can always use
more.
We need testimonials of Otisian faith. It's time you spoke out about what
Otis has done for your life. Put it down on the computer and send it in.
We'll print it.
Still I suppose most of all we just need more people to participate. We
don't really have a enough now. We have a handful of regular contributors.
We need to hear from the silent majority. Otis is not a religion for the
passive. Stop behaving like some damn Christian and submit something! Otis
will bless you 1000 fold for your time.
==========================================================================
MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
==========================================================================
Date: 26 Jul 91 10:33:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the chapter entitled "From the Police Blotter":
"Hero," Tom & Priscilla Nelson burglar-scaring robot, which cost Nelson
$1500 & 250 hours' work to make, was stolen from their Arlington, VA home
while they were on vacation. Hero, who had been programmed to tell burglars
that he had just called police, was later found in Washington DC in the
backseat of a stolen car, partly disassembled & with dead batteries.
A 350-lb man attempted to rob a Long Island jeweler with a gun, but before
the loot was handed to him, he tripped & fell & was unable to get back to
his feet before the police arrived.
2 men with guns fired a total of 12 shots at each other at point-blank
range in a Cleveland apartment in 1984, but no one was injured. Police
speculated that the men, aged 76 & 77, missed because one had glaucoma &
the other had to prop himself up with a cane each time before firing.
Security officers at Forbes Field near Topeka, KS were forced to shoot 2
dogs who were mating on a runway in 1987 shortly before President Reagan's
plane was scheduled to land. The officers said the dogs, which resisted
earlier attempts by security officers to uncouple them, posed a danger to
Reagan's plane.
Sheriff's deputies on a stakeout in Gainesville, FL diligently watched, for
17 consecutive days, a motorcycle they had planted as a target in hopes of
catching an elusive burglar, but during 1 officer's 2-minute restroom
break, the cycle was stolen.
A 22-yr-old man was robbed on a Yonkers, NY street while he was dressed as
a woman. According to police, the victim initially yielded $10 to the
robbers, but 1 became angry & reached into the victim's bra, where he found
another $20. Police approached & the 2 robbers fled, but 1 of them was
captured when he ran into a street sign & collapsed.
When Donald McGarity was run over by an unidentified driver in the
Sacramento, CA area, highway patrol officers arriving on the scene found
McGarity's hand locked in a "derogatory" hand gesture. According to the
coroner, McGarity's spinal column was severed by the collision, thus
causing the body to freeze into the position it assumed when hit.
Near Pine Ridge Village in South Dakota, a Sioux named Warrior was
sentenced to 6 months in prison for assaulting another Indian, Bruce Pipe
on Head, by hitting him on the head with a pipe. Warrior was found guilty
of a second count, also-- hitting Pipe on Head on the arm with a pipe.
==========================================================================
ELVIS DOES IT AGAIN
==========================================================================
[Due to the King's shoe string budget. Once again he had to go on the road
seeking money. This time around alert secretary Dana Kilpatrick caught him
in the act. "Dog gone embarrassing", the King was said to say. Maybe this
will encourage you to help support Commodore Project so this will not
happen in the future.]
ELVIS PHOTOGRAPHED-DAYS AGO!
By Marcus Johans (From WWN 8/13/91 "the only news that's fit to read")
Thousand of people claim to have seen Elvis Presley since his alleged death
in 1977 but secretary Dana Kilpatrick actually snapped a picture of him
outside a movie theater in St. Louis just days ago-- on July 19th!
Unlike previous photos that were alleged to have been taken after the
singer's "death". Mrs. Kilpatrick's picture is well composed, in focus and
unquestionably Elvis.
Photo experts confirm that the negative and prints have not been altered or
retouched in any way. The picture itself shows the King standing in front
of a ticket booth that advertises the 1991 movie hits "Silence of the
Lambs" and "Truth or Dare."
"Elvis is alive and this is the indisputable proof that we've been looking
for," said William Stern, who has investigated over 2,000 Elvis sightings
and written extensively on The King since 1977.
"It's just a matter of time before he goes public and explains why he faked
his death. A dozen photo analysts looked at the picture and agree that
it's authentic."
Mrs. Kilpatrick, 54, was on her way to the supermarket when she spotted
Elvis pacing in front of a movie theater at a strip mall around 9 a.m. on
July 19.
Her son's camera just happened to be on the seat of her car so she parked,
got out and snapped a single picture before the singer had time to react.
After the initial shock of being spotted, "Elvis smiled and told me that I
just about scared him to death," said the woman.
"My hands were trembling and I wanted to apologize but the words wouldn't
come out. I finally blurted "Elvis!" and even though the theater was closed
and nobody else was around he hushed me up fast.
"He said: 'Not so loud, darlin'. I've got a few things to do before Elvis
comes back to life.'"
"An instant later a powder blue Olds 98 pulled up to the curb and stopped
while Elvis jumped in the backseat," said Mrs. Kilpatrick.
"I was in shock," continued Mrs. Kilpatrick. "There are so many things I
could have said, so many questions I could have asked, but all I did was
take one picture and stand there speechless."
Stern said: "There's been an unprecedented wave of Elvis activity in the
past three months but this encounter is the clincher.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again -- Elvis is tired of hiding and
plans to go public before the year is out."
[Side line little article]
WE TOLD YOU THE KING WAS ALIVE -- IN 1988
Dana Kilpatrick's mind-numbing photograph of Elvis proves that the faked
his death in 1977 and is still alive today but it is no big surprise to
those who follow The News.
News readers knew the truth three long years ago thanks to our block-buster
1988 report: ELVIS IS ALIVE!
The story was based on the then-obscure book by Gail Giorgio and was
publish in the May 24, 1988 edition of The News.
We followed it up with a series of world exclusive stories on The King
including ELVIS' TOMB IS EMPTY and NEW WAVE OF ELVIS SIGHTINGS, which
appeared in the July. The report centered on people who claim to have seen
and spoken with Elvis between May and June, not the least of which was
waitress Bonnie Johnson-- who says The King gave her the keys to a 1988
Cadillac Fleetwood Broughham after the met in a Corpus Christi diner in on
June 1.
=========================================================================
NAKED DURING SEX
==========================================================================
Date: Sun, 28 Jul 1991 22:02 HKT
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: I wonder if this in the US edition, too? - A truly great quote...
_Newsweek_ - The International Edition - published in Hong Kong
"This is quite different from how it used to be, suggesting that with the
reform and opening policies, people are more liberal about sex."
-Shanghai sociologist Liu Dalin, on a new study that found that 60
percent of Chinese surveyed were "often or sometimes" naked during sex.
==========================================================================
BABY WITH THE BATH WATER
==========================================================================
From: lnds@sherlock.mmid.ualberta.ca (Mark Israel)
Subject: Baby in washing machine
Date: 30 Jul 91 09:41:34 GMT
People will soon be calling this an urban legend, so let's record the
precise occurrence:
"A maid accidentally killed a one-year-old baby in China after trying
to bathe him in a washing machine, an official newspaper reported.
"The incident occurred last month in the far west region of Xinjiang
at the home of Aierguma and his wife Pahe'erguli, the _People's Public
Security News_ reported.
"The couple was at home on their lunch break when the child's mother
taught their 16-year-old maid how to do the laundry in the machine.
'After finishing the washing, don't forget to bathe the baby', the
newspaper quoted the father as saying as the parents left."
-- The Edmonton Journal, 29 July 1991
Mark Israel
I have heard the Wobble! userisra@mts.ucs.ualberta.ca
==========================================================================
MORE HONGKONG
==========================================================================
Date: Sun, 28 Jul 1991 21:59 HKT
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: Saturday was a good day for stuff in the P.S. Column here!
_P.S._ - The South China Morning Post - 28 July 1991
_History Makes News_
With Typhoon Brendan heading full pelt towards the territory on Tuesday
night it was heart-warming to see TVB Pearl [a local television station -ed]
keeping us bang up to date on the latest developments.
Viewers who tuned in to the channel's 9:30pm newscast saw a drenched
Andrew Brown telling them, among other things, of the departure time of the
last ferry to Cheung Chau and the revised take-off slot for a British
Airways flight to London.
Pity, then, that the Cheung Chau ferry had sailed at 7:30pm and the BA
flight had already been in the air for half an hour.
For some reason Pearl decided to simply repeat the piece Brown had
filed for the station's 7:15pm bulletin when the information he provided
could be termed news.
Sadly, by 9:30 pm, it was history.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
_P.S._ - The South China Morning Post - 28 July 1991
_Satisfaction Guaranteed_
Perhaps the name of the Bonham Road establishment should have
served as a warning, but _P.S._ could not resist the temptation to
walk in to Squiffy hair salon for a quick trim the other day.
The giggling proprietress said that, yes, she had liked the sound
of the word even before she knew what it meant. But she had looked
it up in the dictionary and she thought it would be just the thing
for her happy haircutting business.
The dictionary came up with the conventional definition of
"pleasantly drunk", of course. But apparently it also said Squiffy
meant "quite satisfied" - which is how one probably would feel under
the circumstances.
And what more could one ask of a haircut?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
_P.S._ - The South China Morning Post - 28 July 1991
_Booked by the Yard_
The Island Shangri-La Hotel would like you to feel it has spared
no expense in making even the most intellectually demanding guests
feel at home. It has installed a large and tastefully furnished library
in its atrium and stacked it to the ceiling with the classics of
literature and philosophy, all beautifully bound to add to the sober and
studious atmosphere of the room.
Not all is quite as it seems, however. On first inspection, the
hotel appears to have followed the time honored stately-home tradition
of buying its books by the yard.
But on closer inspection each yard may be discovered to consist of
a series of volumes all bearing exactly the same name, while the leather
binding looks too flat and shiny to be real. Sure enough, _P.S._'s
attempt to remove one of the books from the shelf brought all the sister
volumes with it. The whole thing was a cleverly disguised cardboard box.
==========================================================================
FOOTBALL: RELIGIOUS RITE
==========================================================================
From: damico@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (Bill D'Amico)
Subject: cross-post from rec.humor
Date: 23 Jul 91 21:09:43 GMT
From: snoopy@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
Subject: FOOTBALL joke
I don't know the original creator or poster and I'm not taking credit for
this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the
struggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending
winter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the first
day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowls of plenty.
The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses; fruits such as
oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worship and appeasement of
great reptiles such as alligators.
In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called "The Oval",
an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The convention of "The Oval" is
repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of the vast outdoor
churches in which the services are held every sabbath in every town and
city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers of population where an
advanced priesthood performs. These enormous churches dominate every
college campus; no other edifice compares in size with them, and they bear
witness to the high spiritual development of the culture that produced
them.
Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these
open-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet from
sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism about to
be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Football obviously
arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominates the entire
ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).
The rites are performed on a green rectangular area orientated to the four
directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with ominous
white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. The white stripes
are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the four whistling monitors who
control the services through a time period divided into four quarters,
symbolizing the four Seasons.
The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude
virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites the
thousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry in
unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus theme of
willingness to die for the love of mother.
The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique, might
appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only with hurting
the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and protect the Egg.
However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there are eleven
young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The group in so-called
"possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in an egg-shaped
"huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerful meditation and
whispering of secret numbers to each other.
Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the Egg.
In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line," seven being
a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might contend, with the
"seven last words" but actually, with sublimation of the "seven deadly
sins" into "the seven cardinal principles of education."
The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his hands,
while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." The transposition
of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easily explained by the Adler
School. To the layman the curious posture assumed by the "Quarterback," as
he hovers over the central priest, immediately suggests the Cretan origins
of Mycenaean animal art, but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of
course, the "quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,
namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) the instinct
for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros. Moreover, the
"pleasure-pain" excitement of the hysterical worshipers focuses entirely on
the actions of the libido-quarter-back. Behind him are three priests
representing the male triad.
At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of the
members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force across the
white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down the enclosure, continues
through the four quarters of the ritual.
At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Solstice, the
processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. After forming
themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and animal fetishes,
the virgins perform a most curious rite requiring far more dexterity than
the earlier phallic Maypole rituals from which it seems to be derived.
Each of the virgins carries a wand of shining metal which she spins on her
fingertips, tosses playfully into the air, and with which she interweaves
her body in most intricate gyrations.
The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire
service. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" following success
of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across the last white line
of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches, the virgins kneel at
the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces in the earth, then raise their
arms to heaven in supplication, praying that "the uprights will be split."
"Conversion" is indeed a dedicated ceremony.
Michael aka SNOOPY@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU
--
-bill d'Amico | The highest that a man can attain is to
damico@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu | be able to do - Georg Gurdjieff
==========================================================================
ROLLER COASTER OF DEATH
==========================================================================
Date: Mon, 29 Jul 91 11:20:07 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: possible roller coaster UL
From: fuhry@think.com (Debbie Fuhry)
Subject: Re: Superlatives wanted!
Date: 29 Jul 91 14:31:43 GMT
How about the scariest story I've ever heard about a coaster?
First, I've never found a roller coaster (or any ride, for that matter)
which was too scary for me, but that's because I've always assumed they
were in general, made to be safe, but not to feel that way :)
Last night, though I heard about a R.C. that was new, and had been tested
many times, but had never had people on it. On the first ride carrying
passengers, they were all dead when it came back. Apparently the GForces
around one of the turns had been powerful enough to break everyone's
necks...
Has anyone heard this? Is it true or does it belong in urban.folklore?
Debbie Fuhry
fuhry@think.com
==========================================================================
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
==========================================================================
Date: 29 Jul 91 19:53:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
These are from the chapter "Uncategorically Weird":
Officials at the Houston Zoo admitted that their coral snake was a rubber
imitation. "We had live snakes in the exhibit, but they didn't do so well,"
said curator John Donaho. "They tend to die."
Robert Kropinski of Philadelphia sued Transcendental Meditation groups
where he spent 11 years as a student & teacher, claiming he suffered
psychological disorders as a result of never having achieved the "perfect
state of life" the group promised. The 36-yr-old real-estate manager said,
for example, that the groups had told him he would be taught to "fly"
through self-levitation, but all he learned to do was "hop with the legs
folded in the lotus position."
A construction company in Saipan, Northern Marianas, placed a notice in the
local newspaper after 1 of its flashing amber warning lights was stolen
from a road construction site on March 28, 1984. Noting that the lights
were necessary to warn motorists of the excavation so they could avoid an
accident, the company said it was removing "the remaining warning lights
and we are not going to install them again unless we are sure they will not
be stolen."
And from "Wrong Arm of the Law":
In Atlanta, a daring thief stole $8900 worth of cameras & accessories from
an exhibit booth at a convention for crime-detection experts. His getaway
was delayed by having to pretend to be a salesman and give a 45-minute
sales pitch to a security guard who had seen him walking off with the
goods.
Police in Tulsa, responding to an emergency call that a man was holding a
woman at knifepoint, surrounded the wrong house. The man was in the house
next door. He tried several times to surrender, but the police, thinking he
was just a nosy neighbor, kept ordering him back inside. After about an
hour, a newspaper photographer who lived nearby alerted police to their
mistake.
In Florida, Dade County & Jacksonville officials discovered that their new
$34 million jail was being built with 195 cells-- but no cell doors.
Michael Berg, city-county director of jails & prisons, said he wasn't sure
how the oversight occurred but that there was money to pay the extra $1.5
million to have the doors added. And at the Ontario County Jail in
Canandaigua, NY, installation of new cell doors was halted when officials
discovered the bars were too far apart & prisoners could slip through them.
Undercover police in Pompano Beach, FL, arranged to sell 2 lbs. of cocaine.
The buyers turned out to be undercover officers from the Ft. Lauderdale
police.
Police in Van Nuys, CA arrested Dennis John Alston on charges of forging
checks, then released him when he posted bail with a $1500 cashier's check.
It turned out to be a forgery.
Police in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, raided their own Christmas party for not
having a license to serve liquor.
Tommy Cribbs, the sheriff of Dyer County, TN, was arrested in Van Buren,
MO, after police noticed his car in the parking lot of a local motel. A car
of that description had been used in the theft of 2 sheep from a nearby
farm. Officers who were questioning people at the motel were led to Cribbs
after a sheep was thrown from the window of his room.
==========================================================================
POLISH FOLK MAGICK
==========================================================================
From: jacobus@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Bryan J. Maloney)
Subject: Re: Polish Folk Magic? Pagan Religion??
Date: 29 Jul 91 18:10:21 GMT
I have read of Polish rituals dedicated to "Mati-Surya-Zemlya" [sic] which
involved circling a village with a rope soaked in butter and then having
all the girls and women of a village circle the village several times. Any
man they found during this ritual was to be torn to pieces.
Supposedly, some Polish villages actually used this ritual during WWII to
protect themselves from the Germans.
I don't know about the authenticity of the ritual, and the tearing to pieces
sounds rather Maenidish to me.
==========================================================================
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
==========================================================================
Date: 31 Jul 91 21:22:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the chapter "Order in the Court":
Edna Evon Sims filed a lawsuit in Columbia, South Carolina, against the
maker of 2 hair-care products after a 1988 incident in which, while
standing at a bus stop on a 96-degree day, her hair suddenly burst into
flames. A passing police officer moved quickly to put out the fire, but
Sims claimed to have suffered permanent disfigurement.
When shooting victim Kenneth Donaldson was asked to walk about a Detroit
court- room & "identify" his alleged assailant from among courtroom
spectators, he wandered until his eyes fixed on a man in the last row. He
said, "That's him," then reached over 2 seats & slugged the man in the
face. The prosecutor then said, "I ask that the record reflect that the
complainant has just identified the defendant."
Milwaukee County Circuit Judge Clarence Parrish could have given a 10-year
sentence to the man before him after an admission that the man had had sex
with his 12-yr-old stepdaughter & had fathered 2 children by another
stepdaughter, but the judge awarded him only probation (for 4-1/2 years)
because he thought the man was God-fearing. Parrish had asked the man
during sentencing who was the author of the Book of Revelation, & the man's
correct answer ("John") may have swayed the judge.
Patricia Tinerella, 25, was awarded $2660 in back pay from her Omaha
employer for a 1983 incident in which she was fired. The firm claimed she
performed inadequately, but the state equal employment opportunity
commission found that she was fired because her 40-inch bust distracted
co-workers & that she had declined to follow her employer's suggestions on
how to deemphasize what the commission called an "immutable
characteristic."
A court in Tel Aviv ordered a 16-yr-old girl to stop walking around her
house naked after complaints by her 80-yr-old stepfather. The man accused
her & her mother of trying to induce him to have a heart attack so they
could inherit his fortune.
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Steph (StephK on IRC) "If we do not succeed, then we run
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle
Stephanie Klein "Everything forbidden is optional."
123 S. Madison --standard Otisian dogma
LaGrange, IL 60525
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WALT FROZEN
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[Of course our sources from TMINGH confirm that the bellow letter is part
of a smoke screen campaign adopted by Walt Disney World in a effort to
hide the real truth of what happened to Walt. Walt is not dead. He's back
from the grave. His creative talents harnessed to the forces of evil on
this planet.]
From: mikkelson@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes)
Subject: Walt Disney Frozen?
Date: 26 JUL 91 12:08:00
Chalk up another one for the FAQ! I recently received this letter from
Disneyland Guest Relations:
Dear Mr. Mikkelson:
Thank you for your recent inquiry and interest in Disneyland. In response
to your question, the "legend" you cite has some elements of truth to it.
Walt Disney's *brain* (emphasis theirs) is stored in a cryogenic container
located beneath the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction, awaiting future
revival. The rest of his body, however, was cremated.
Thank you for your interest in Disneyland. We hope you have a chance to
visit soon and that your stay is an enjoyable one. Contact our office if
you wish to arrange a guided tour of the cryogenics area.
Regards,
Felix Stassen
Guest Relations
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THE FINAL WORLD FROM NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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[Yep this is it. The end. This is the farewell message from Steph and News
of the Weird. Once again one of our most treasured followers is taking from
the network. The electronic eyes poked. It's a sad thing when this happens,
especially since Steph was a pretty neat all around type kinda persons, who
was just beginning to really get into the inner wisdom of Otis. You might
have noticed her appearance in a number of stories above. Hopefully she'll
be back on line soon someway or somehow. If now I suppose we'll have to
start a Steph fan club or something.
Still it's very said she left. After all about half of filler material came
from her and sad to say sometimes the only comments I'd get about purps
would be about NOTW.
Anyways I'd like to officially thank Steph for all the work she's down in
the name of Otis. May Otis shower her with many blessings and may Brow
never come to her house for dinner.]
Date: 3 Aug 91 23:36:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Well everyone...
The News of the Weird e-mail distribution is ending, at least for a while.
I'm losing my Net access and am not sure when I'll get it again. Could be a
few weeks, could be months. But for now, consider this a grand finale.
For those of you who have missed my previous explanations, NOTW are
news items that appear in normal, everyday newspapers-- NOT tabloids-- all over
the country and the world. As far as the people who print it know, these
papers have not written anything to recant these news items. NOTW is, by the
way, to be found in a couple of books by Chuck Shepherd, John Kohut, & Roland
Sweet, and in columns produced by these guys individually in random newspapers
around the U.S.
People who enjoy my NOTW mailings have to have a bizarre-- even
morbid-- sense of humor. So here is a partial list that Shepherd and co. have
collected from their news clippings (many of which, by the way, were sent to
them for their 2nd book after the first one came out) of why people have killed
other people recently. If you're squeamish, or have a lot of faith in the
inherent goodness of human nature, stop reading now.
Here goes:
* which country, Korea or China, has the more pleasant lifestyle
* why he should pick up toys around the house
* obnoxiously switched TV channels
* whether he and his wife should take a honeymoon cruise
* refused to lend him her car
* spare the mother the anguish of finding out that her daughter was murdered
because she had refused to lend out her car
* quality of the biscuits they were eating
* child failed to get past "g" while reciting the alphabet
* council members wouldn't do anything about his backed-up sewer
* played a stereo too loud
* used his driveway to turn her car around in
* objected to his friend's being robbed of his Popsicle
* criticized him for spitting into an ashtray at their nursing home
* mayor turned him down for a car washing license
* cursed during dinner at a friend's house
* too slow making a left turn at a traffic light
* made derogatory remarks about Jesus Christ
* whether there would be enough meat loaf for everyone at dinner
* thought she was responsible when their dog urinated on him
* ownership of various items (tamale, Indian head penny, Playboy centerfolds,
candy bar, pork chop, salami, hot dog, baseball cards, designer sweatpants,
frozen fish)
There's actually a lot more but I'm tired of typing.
Hope this tides you over till I get the list going again!
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Steph (StephK on IRC) "If we do not succeed, then we run
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle
Stephanie Klein "Everything forbidden is optional."
123 S. Madison --standard Otisian dogma
LaGrange, IL 60525
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THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
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--Subink 1991
