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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 27
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** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 27
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
===========================================================================
INTRO
===========================================================================
Welcome to the hardcore Otis issue. This issue contains more Otis Dogma
than you can shake a stick at. I suppose it's change of pace from the
normal fair, but it should prove very interesting.
This issue is also a tad shorter than it usually is. That's because it
seems we are missing several stories from various authors for some reason.
Also Steph, NOTW woman is off line. So none of that stuff this time, except
in small dose.
This time around we have material directly from the Pope himself. The start
of a story in fact. Next issue should see the beginnings of his official
Papal column.
This time around around we owe a special thanks to Dr. Simpson who's
tireless research has once again born fruit. Scattered throughout this
issue are a number of excerpts/blurbs/ and documents he was able to uncover
in his researches. In the future hopefully there will be more. He sent me
enough for almost a full issue of Purps. I figured I should try to pass
this out in small doses since it's pretty heavy stuff.
Submissions have been rather slow as of late. I need more. I need a lot
more. We could also use more subscribers. If you have anyone you know of
who would like to join up the list please let me know and I'll put them on.
Be aware that the beginning of the school year is rapidly approaching. All
those young fresh minds will be wandering around wondering what to do. GET
THEM INVOLVED IN OTIS! Hook them for life! If you see a lonely bored
freshman moping around campus, don't just ignore them. Step right up to
them and hand them an issue of Purps. They'll thank you. (So will Otis too
for that matter.)
So sit back and brace yourselves to learn more about Otis and the Otisians
than you normally would in 4 issues of Purps.
===========================================================================
A STORY FROM THE POPE
===========================================================================
[Yes it looks like the Pope will be back among us again. He's written me a
letter or two about being back in Purps and I whole heartedly agree we need
to hear from him. Hopefully from now on there will be bits of the Popes
most divinely inspired wisdom in each and every Purps.]
Jigsaw in the Night: Part 1 Pope Jeph I, 955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209,
Cambridge MA 01239.
In August, 1979, the two largest computerization projects in the history of
the world were undertaken by the US government. The first was the
mechanization of the national strategic air defense and missile command
system and involved scrapping manned nuclear missile silos and radar
stations in favor of a vast automated network of same controlled by a
single megalithic computer. The idea was to eliminate the change of
operator error and ensure a coordinated, massive retaliation should one
become necessary. You probably know about that one.
The centerpin of the second, less publicized project, was what would have
been the world's largest database. The project itself was the massive
overhaul, reorganization and computerization of the nation's intelligence
agencies. The problem was simple. The CIA was not on speaking terms with
the FBI. The FBI wouldn't give the NSC [Editors note: Should this be NSA?]
the time of day. The NSC was rumored to be regularly sending hate mail and
false crime leads to the Secret Service. The Secret Service had no respect
for the DEA, and the DEA wouldn't give those bumbling bozos in Naval
Intelligence... well, you get the idea. This mutual distrust, it was
assumed, grew from a long history of independent operation, and it's most
important result was filing systems. The CIA had the best by far, with the
FBI's coming in a close second, but, despite a half-hearted attempt to
computerize, the Army Intelligence system was a shambles, and the DEA was
working with what was properly called a "shoebox system". At any rate they
were all different, which meant that valuable data that could have advance
the aims of the NSC often remained hidden and virtually inaccessible in
someone else's files.
The solution, though the planners of the project, was to construct a giant
super-computer and connect it to a network linking all the various
intelligence agencies together (not unlike the one that the domestic law
enforcement agencies were in the process of building). Into this machine
would be typed, in standardized from, all of the relevant information from
the files of the different agencies. Then, barring certain restriction in
the interest of national security, anyone on the network could have nearly
instantaneous access to the combined file information from the entire US
intelligence community. The existence of such a computer would have to be
secret, of course, its funding passed quietly behind the taxpayers' backs,
and security on the network would have to be "iron clad".
Thus, in September 1979, Cray, Inc. entered into its first and only
contract with a small, virtually unknown Japanese firm, information
maintenance personal from the intelligence community arrived in their
offices on Monday to find neatly typed notes on their desks to the effect
that their required number of overtime hours for the next six years had
been tripled, and a previously unheard of scientific study to "measure the
effects of cow flatulence on the ozone layer" received a 310 million dollar
grant from a congressional appropriates board.
The plan turned out to be a remarkable success. By november of 1981, the
planners could boast a room-size supercomputer, capable of almost 800,000
calculations a second, in which was stored nearly all the accumulated file
data from all the agencies in the US intelligence network (as well as a
good deal from allied organization in other countries). Nor was this data
limited to mugshots and fingerprints. Other, sometimes only vaguely
relevant, but always interesting, data was entered as well in the hope that
it would eventually prove useful. Soviet military movements were the first
to be graphed, charted, plotted and entered, but it wasn't too long before
the ascension patterns of third world dictators were thrown in as well.
Inexplicable bursts of radiation (presumed to be illegal above ground
nuclear tests) were carefully record and entered fairly early as well. These
lead to the careful tabulating of NASA data on mysteries object and
wreckage found floating in space (could the Soviets have their own "Star
Wars" agenda?). After that it seemed only logical to follow the suggestion
that the Navy's Project Blue Book files (as well as the records of less
well know UFO investigations) should be entered.
Assassination data and terrorist activity (dating back to the 1800s)
followed suit, and lead to the entry of data relating to mysterious
disappearances of US military (and later Soviet, French and German
military) aircraft, ships and personnel (could there be someone behind it?).
Since the FBI was getting so many complaints, data on all "cult"
activities of radical Christian groups, televangelicalists, the various
Jewish councils, moderate Christian groups, and Islamic organizations. In
the wake of the Vatican Bank scandal it was thought only appropriate to
keep a close watch of the Papacy (data on organized crime has been entered
from the onset), and soon data from all other bands was being carefully
tabulated and entered as well.
Soon information entry had snowballed completely out of control. When
Andropov came to power, a massive scramble resulted to add in ANYTHING,
relevant or not, about the Soviet Union, in the hopes that some explanation
for the hurried changes in that state could be gleaned from the patterns
that formed when the facts were cross-indexed, and you can just imagine the
rush when President Regan made civilian spying legal again.
In fact, no one batted an eyelash when, in 1983, all know Fortean data
(frogs raining from the skies, lake monster sighting, ghosts, UFOs, etc.)
dating back from the dawn of written history found it's way into the
database, and not a single head rolled when a massive effort to establish a
statistical correlation between the eating habits of the Russian czars and
the reoccurring plague of locusts in China was uncovered. This may have been
partially due to the data's indisputable evidence that the locusts hit their
peak when the Russian dictator took to French pastry, and waned when they
cut the fat out of their diets, but this fact alone seems a poor reason at
best to continue the effort. One is tempted to speculate instead that the
database had simply grown to large to be properly monitored or controlled.
By March of 1984, the database had grown to 100 times its original size and
yet was still in danger of becoming oversaturated. New information continued
to pour in regardless, and at such a rate that the personnel in charge eof
making backups resigned themselves to being several months and nearly
seventy-five percent behind in their task. With the new links established
to Interpol and UN computers no one was optimistic about catching up. The
most common prayer at night was "God save us from a system crash". The
cray, however, lived up to it's reputation, and with a mechanical heat
pumping cooling liquid nitrogen through it's veins, at the very least it
didn't seem probably that it would overhead.
It was neither of these problems, however, that worried the project's
planner. They had noticed far more disturbing trend. As the data was
correlated and crossed indexed what could only be describe as "patterns"
seemed to be forming in resulting charts and graphs. Very little was certain,
mind you, but when one looked t all the statistics on the migratory habits
of Monarch butterflies, and the popularity of mens' hair pieces, and the
frequencies of armageddon threats by Russian dictators, one couldn't escape
the nagging feeling that it "was all leading up to something". The question
for the planners was obvious, what?
And so it came to pass that in April of 1984 a low level programmer named
Osmond Lind Iverson diligently typed the simple instruction whose sum was
the most important question ever asked of machine by man into the project's
megalithic computer, and, chomping on a ruben with russian dressing on a
bagel, patiently awaited a response,
When it arrived it was nothing but four simple initials:
O. T. I. S.
Four hours later Osmond Iverson was laying in a most unnatural position at
the bottom of the Acheron river, falling utterly to be alive, the gigantic
computer that has housed all the data know to US intelligence wand more was
quietly and systematically erasing it's files, cleaning itself up and
shutting itself down, and project "Rosebud" was officially terminated.
End of Part One
===========================================================================
CHANGE OF ADDRESS (Pope Jephe)
===========================================================================
HEY YOU! Just so you know, the INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF FRUITCAKES, the first
FULLY registered OTIS worshiping organization in existence and the promoters
of the last TRUE FAITH on this pathetic little planet, has purchased a
large office building in one of the plushest Boston neighborhoods (just a
block away for the Old OTISian Papal Seat) and is living there now. OUR NEW
ADDRESS IS: IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209, Cambridge, MA 02139
===========================================================================
HUMPY THE STUMPY BEAR SPEAKS
===========================================================================
Revelations of Humpy the Stump Bear....
Alas Humpy the Stumpy Bear regrets her long absence from this most blessed
and humble publication. The events of the resent weeks have left her a
might shagged out. Realizing that her followers wish to hear words of
wisdom from her, she has made a special effort to channel to me [Mal]
various import bits and pieces of mystical wisdom and knowledge.
"Success in the up coming presidential campaign can be had by listening to
the backward masked messages on Village People Records."
According to Stumpy, it seems that some how one of the Village People
members stumbled across a mysterious occult figure in the restrooms of one
of the clubs there were playing at. This figure, who as to this day goes
unidentified, handed over to the village people member a curiously designed
cassette tape, the casing of which appeared ot be old ivory, with the
spindles being composed of a very hard wood. This tape contained important
guide lines to the coming presidential campaign. The original tape itself
disappeared promptly after the messages were backward masked onto Village
People records.
Toys for Tots...
Stumpy says it's time for all loyal Otisian to put on thinking
caps and come up with suggestions for toys for the divine children. These
toys should be both educational and entertaining. They should also be of
some Otisian theme so that the children will be able to use these toys to
teach others.
Otis Mass. needs visiting. Remember how most of the past elections, you
could tell who would win by how New Hampshire would vote? According to
Stumpy how Otis Mass. votes will determine if the Otisians will win or
loose the election. We will need all your help in this up coming primary.
Humpy suggests you send monetary donations to the Pope, who will be able to
correctly distribute them to the campaign committee. Second, Stumpy
suggests you pray. There's been a great lack of this during the past few
hot months of summer. The lazy days of summer are no time to be slacking. In
fact not at any time should you be slacking. {B-B is dead! Long live
Otis...yeah and Stumpy too!}
Third, Humpy the Stumpy Bear suggests that since many of our loyal Otisian
followers have recently graduated and are looking for jobs and stuff, they
might want to try to Otis Mass. After all, if loyal Otisian followers lived
there they could help swing the vote.
Stumpy, also feels it necessary to remind folks that since the Pope, has
moved ot a new location, it is very appropriate to send house warming
gifts, or letters of benevolence to the new address. This will serve two
purposes. First, it will allow the Pope to be sure that mail can indeed
reach his address and it will be able to arrive in the Niagara like flood
he was used to having at his old address. Second, the Pope since he moved
into such a huge place needs all the abode decorations and any household or
office items he can get. With a place like his he can never have one too
many cheese graters or lighted display pedestals. Break out that credit
card and Sharper Image catalog and order the Pope a fancy new gift.
Stumpy is also pleased to report that her efforts in weather control have
succeeded so far this summer. The south Florida area has has little if any
hurricanes this past summer, unlike last. Stumpy, being fairly new at this,
was most pleased by this turn of events. She is still testing out her
powers as it were for the coming of her Divine child.
--Mal 1991
===========================================================================
OTIS IN THE NEWS (Dr. Simpson)
===========================================================================
SOMERVILLE July 9 - Residents of this active Boston suburban
neighborhood have recently banded together to fight a local cult.
The Secret Order of Disciples of Otos Megas, an occult society that
split from Freemasonry in the 1890's, has bombarded their walls and
lamp-posts with posters and their telephones with pre-recorded
messages.
"We don't know why they targeted us," said Edward Plunkett, a
computer programmer at MIT, "but we're good, wholesome, god-fearing
citizens and we don't want our children exposed to this
[material]."
In response to the cult's harassment, the people of Somerville
have formed "Somervillians Against the Pope." The Secret Order of
Disciples of Otos Megas is controlled by a man known as "Pope Geoff
II."
"We're going to nail that [person] for obscenity." explained
Plunkett. Several of the posters depict severed genitalia and some
resident report that the telephone messages have encouraged
children to engage in unnatural sexual acts with gerbils.
The Secret Order of Disciples of Otos has declined to respond
to the accusations.
===========================================================================
THE REVIVAL
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 8 Aug 91 12:27:05 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: The REVival
The night was slow, I admit to being hooked up to the secret computer (again.)
Then it happened.
I jumped up the stairs (Fairbourne, the Divine Child) didn't seem to mind too
in fact, I think he knew something was happening.
The Van stopped, slowing down, checking out the address. The lights faded,
dimming the outer darkness with rings of celebrations. A Secret arrival.
Even the Crusher's house (not Wesley, just the Wrestler, remember him) was dark.You know it had to be. I was reading the Reader's Digest on Digestibles. Or
was it Lemon Bars. I made them last night, too. Just enough oomph to hit the
spot.
I walked cautiously out the front door when the van door opened,
noiselessly. His height is what caught my eye, the voice and patterns I had
etched into my memory wordlessly awakening me to the event. It was
definitely, Pres. Elect Rev. Johnny Pagan. His eyes bore into mine. He
never needed to ask a question. All was taken care of. His companions, I
assumed they were the men I had felt that needed to travel this way. Blood
and Custard overdrive. Stuck on 94, way past Chicago, levels on high,
boiling past the city limits. It was a black Chuck drive. New ones for
the occasion.
He walked into the house. I never realized how tall he was. But I never
felt short. Maybe silent, but never short. As the time crept slowly upon
0300 hours, I showed them a brief, but lengthy tour of the campsite,
comfortable I had hoped. Definitely worth it.
As all good meetings start, He handed me a book. Sharks, of course. Read
it completely this morning at 0830 cover to cover complete with author
bios. Justfacts. Planning on getting newer animals into the program.
Security and defense must be up-2-date. Handed him the strawberry
poptarts. Good brain food.
Settled in.
This morning, his most Reverend, asks me about Purps 26, which I confessed
to have misplaced. Since that time..it is complete, there can be only one,
Otis and Mal, my lips are gold and silver foil, aluminum elusive to radon
gyros in tender cones of glass, blue of course.
As the rain dripped down the compact car, the silent swelter of heat
passing on the long road, the news of klein and chicago just faint light
years away, bide you a merciful journey, and if you need a place to rest,
well, the B & B house is not far from the lake.
Its the oath, I keep, the child who is kicking in my womb, the news and the
unnews, the knife that slices the dark, and the sleep that I'll never get.
The time is now. At hand, we are, stomach stabs, HP Lovecraft whispers
sweet bands of raspberry liquor and chocolate chip cookies into my sides,
heaving. Otis, he is the one.
And so I linger, my path, following the turn of events to happen in the
next several days. I shelter the Rev, my hand placed over a sword,
fight to protect, protect to save, along with Middle Aged history and
wildlife biologists, rooted next to those who do not know, among
the thousands of Gamers here for the events, those which only
the know and cannot know, the oneness I feel to Otis, there can be
only one.
Alas I leave you with this news. And hopefully day-by-day events on
the Rev Salvation campaign at Mecca.
Stewy, got to get you a new butt, the super glue just isn't holding.
If fact, all aside, (and for lesser known reasons other than, well
never mind) Penthouse, issue August 91, cartoon somewhere, man with trophy
of butt collections. Don't let this happen to you.
shark
(shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu
)
===========================================================================
OTISIAN DIRECTORY (Pope Jephe)
===========================================================================
[Please note the new address. You probably want to use than rather than the
one mentioned below.]
Below is an important announcement from the Pope Himself:
HEY YOU! If you find Purps amusing, think how much more amusing it will
become when you know the WHOLE STORY of OTIS and the IGHF. DO NOT WAIT! Get
your hands on a copy of THE OTISian Directory TODAY! Long before I stared
the Thunderbolt, this 53 page, 8 1/2 by 11" large, GBC bound magazine of
the OTISian faith was already a legend in it's own time, winning the
unadulterated praise of everyone from Mike Gunderloy to Margaret Thatcher.
Chock FULL of valuable names and addresses of hand picked cranks and kooks
and true geniuses putting out OTIS approved (and Papally reviews)
publications, which are worth the price of the Directory ON THEIR OWN, this
official publication of Pope Jephe, Preacher Tim, and the Intergalactic
House of Fruitcakes also incudes rants by Rodney Griffith, The Prime
Minister of Livestock and Heavy Machinery, guest reviews of Purps' beloved
current editor, MAL3, and many others, brief notes on the OTISian leap to
the WHITE HOUSE in '92, an official Epistle from Preacher Tim (co-founder
of the House), even ORIGINAL STORIES AND WORK from myself, Pope Jephe I,
the current leader of the OTISian faith, and MORE, MORE, MORE! Purps is
only HALF the truth! Learn the OTISian secrets you have bee MISSING, Send a
crumpled up piece of paper with cut-out letters from newspapers and
magazine spelling out "Send me my OTISian Directory or ELSE' (or whatever)
along with ONLY THREE DOLLARS (checks to Jeff Stevens, please, or we have
to burn them in an expensive secret ritual) IF YOU READ PURPS (three
dollars and 50 cents if you don't, $7.50 if you don't read) to: The OTISian
Directory, the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes, POB 235, Williamstown, MA
01267-0235. It's simply THE most enjoyable way to have your brain washed.
Hmm guess I must have gotten the price wrong even though I quoted it out of
the damn OD itself.
Mal
===========================================================================
BOOK QUOTE (Dr. Simpson)
===========================================================================
"...Even the name itself is involved in some controversy. In Victorian
times, they styled themselves 'The Secret Order of Disciples of Otos Megas'.
In the twenties various spellings arose including "Ohtis, Outis, Otus, and
Ottos'. When Adolph V changed the name of the Order, at least one temple
succeeded over spelling...I will use the modern spellings of Otis and
Otisian." [Chadwick, 1984, p.i]
===========================================================================
QUOTES (Unknown)
===========================================================================
Otis Otis Otis!
Thou surely are the Mostus!
The Jews may have the arc, but Otis has the Bowling Towel.
===========================================================================
THE THREE MAGE OF OTIS AND GENCON
===========================================================================
Date: Sun, 11 Aug 91 9:07:26 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: The Three Mage of Otis and GenCon
[Stuff Deleted]
Three Mage of Otis and GenCon (short for Geneva Convention)
They came in a red van. The usual travel from distances afar.
And the camels didn't escape. They were mentioned (although painfully.)
Elvis was sighted in a restaurant on 27th Street, near the place modeled
for Arnold's of Happy Days. A family restaurant. You know this all ties in.
The Divine Child. Elvis. 5 years gestation time. Pope Georddegre. The Pres-
Elect and his merry men.
In the youngest ones fervor, his gentleness comes across like a newborn
man in a sweet southern body. I hear the quiet twang come from his lips
in sweet harmonies. I know he will travel far beyond the Middle Ages into
his rich emerald and ruby dreams.
The second is older and taller, much taller. His locks of brown fall gently
over his brow, hiding the self for watching eyes, but if you search those pools
of irises, the flowers are fresh and inviting, dancing mysteriously within.
The third mage, elder of them, voice of deep resonance, cascading, bubbly
waterfall, always aware of what trails before and after the lights in his
chocolate pudding liquefied eyes.
Three paths came, three stages of life, three breaths like moments of air,
the sweep past my window on clear Milwaukee days, speaking in tongues of
Cthulhu and Lovecraft, fire ice timeless crystals, each with his
own gift to share.
Today they shall leave me and travel back down the winding mass of
highways, and although I am sad, I have enjoyed their company and
the making of lemon bars, I will remember always this time.
Make not light of the time within, cherish and treasure it,
hearts unfold, people who pass by night and by day, children
laugh with their parents, the trail moves forward.
JB Schreiter
===========================================================================
THE DIVINE CHILD IS BORN
===========================================================================
Date: Sat, 10 Aug 91 22:37:56 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: The Birth
The evening had wandered off and morning sun was seeping through the
shades, or maybe I was falling asleep in my Rocky Road custard when it hit.
Thw0ak.
One of those sharp pains wracking my stomach. You have to know what this
is like. It's equivalent to smashing your finger into the wall, or through
a pane of glass, the pain shatters your senses, making you realize just how
much alive the body is. I felt it. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor.
The Rev was there though. A little pale. A little tired. Before this sudden
melting pot of pain, I was rubbing his neck.
"Please just a little more, on my neck, Shark."
"You got it Rev."
Anything for the Pres-elect. I even made him and his body guards some
chocolate chip cookies for the next day. (But after today, I'm not so sure
about ever sending him strawberry poptarts again.)
Well lo and behold, the Divine Child was born. And my body feels a hell of a
lot less fat. Thank god, I pity the mothers, well maybe not, I've got an
awfully cute kid :)
His name is Fairbourne, delivered by the Rev. Gestation period: Five years.
I'll let Rev tell you about it. And the Pope made it all so possible.
Fairbourne's about a foot and half tall, very pink, two legs, a cute little
mouth, brimming smile and one golden locke of hair upon his head.
Christened with lemon bars.
Sigh. A mother now.
Rocky road swimming in my ears, pools of sweet goo sticking to my feet. I
love baking for the travellers. So who's coming out next?
Oh and none of that diaper crap. Fairbourne came out potty-trained.
Geogreegy, how about a prayer for the divine child?
===========================================================================
THE WACKY WORLD OF HONGKONG
===========================================================================
Date: Sun, 11 Aug 1991 12:37 HKT
From: Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: Just a few this time...
South China Morning Post - 9 August 1991
_Baby Removed_
JAKARTA: Doctors removed a 10-year-old baby from the body on an Indonesian
woman. Mrs. Iyam Supiyem, 37, a farmer's wife from a small village in the
district of Majalengka, became pregnant in 1981, but the baby grew outside
her womb. The dead baby weighed 1.7 kilograms and measured 30 centimetres.
========================
South China Morning Post - 9 August 1991
_Condom Charge_
Vaestervik, Sweden: A 22-year-old man has been charged with indecent
behaviour by a Swedish court and faces a 300 crown (HK$374) fine for
wearing a condom on his head. The man is to appear in court after a
waitress complained when he donned the condom as she was serving him in a
restaurant.
========================
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 9 August 1991
_Dog's Life_
Our article yesterday about a Korean company wanting to import
canned dog meat for human consumption is apparently not out of the
ordinary. Ms. Jill Robinson, Asia representative of the International Fund
for Animal Welfare, said 5,000 dogs a day were slaughtered in Korea for
human consumption. That adds up to almost two million dogs a year. Some
250,000 cats a year are also killed. Ms. Robinson said the fund was not
protesting about the con- sumption of the animals but was concerned about
the inhumane way in which they were sometimes killed. Their efforts have
met with some success as the South Korean Government passed the Animal
Protection Act last year making it illegal to kill dogs brutally for human
consumption.
========================
->Representative Tim Moore sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of
->Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend
->Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to "his country, his state
->and his community."
-> The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's
->dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the
->lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of
->concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the
->state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional
->techniques involving population control and applied psychology."
-> The resolution was passed unanimously.
-> Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the
->motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often
->without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo
->was the Boston Strangler.
========================
South China Morning Post - 9 August 1991
_Cat Assault_
Tempe, Arizona: A dispute between two roommates ended with the arrest of
one of them for striking the other in the face with a cat, authorities
said. The cat was killed in the incident.
===========================================================================
HEY YOU! (Dr. Simpson)
===========================================================================
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Jeffe, and a FREE half-page add in the next O.D.! $19.95
The Saint Kit: Otisian Lapel Buttons, OtisRobe(tm) Pattern,
subscription to "The Otisian Directory," and a FREE quarter-page add
in the next O.D.! $11.95
The X-pert(tm) Kit: Official Otisian Mailing List,
OtisRobe(tm) Pattern, EZ-2-make(tm) Otisian Jewelry, EZ-2-make(tm)
Assassination, EZ-2-make(tm) 900 Numbers, Diploma, Wallet Card,
FREE half-page add in the next O.D.! $24.95
===========================================================================
MORE FROM HONGKONG
===========================================================================
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 August 1991
_Bare Bones_
The widely read Mr. Griff Griffith yesterday had his nose in _La
Cuenca del Pacific_ (The Pacific Basin), a business book published by
Banco Nacional de Mexico.
"Mexico and Hongkong: An Example of an Incipient Relationship" is
the headline of one section.
"Hongkong presently consumes 1.3 billion tons of chicken a month.
A Mexican company in Gomez Palacio, Durango, is supplying a significant
proportion of this demand," it says.
Mr. Griffith said: "A quick calculation indicates that every man,
woman and child in Hongkong consumes more than seven tons of chicken
a day. I'm sure I'd notice if I was eating that amount, if only by
the pile of bones by the back door. There weren't any last time I
looked."
Come on, own up. Someone must be eating Mr. Griffith's daily seven
tons in addition to their own. Greedy pig.
=================
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 August 1991
_Bottom Line_
Dumb consumer tales, part 23.
Chris Gibbons of Saitek, the Hongkong-based firm that makes chess
computers, told us yesterday about an unfortunate event that befell some
people he knew in the packaging business.
The rule about instructions seems to be that if it can be mis-
understood, the consumers of the world will gratuitously mis-interpret
it to the best of their ability.
The firm concerned produced 100,000 lipsticks of various shades.
Just before they were due to reach the shelves, they realized that the
instructions could be read in two ways.
"They had to get all 100,000 of them repackaged," said Chris.
The original instructions said: "To apply, push up bottom."
=================
South China Morning Post - 22 May 1991
_Cinema Death_
BANGKOK: A cleaner sweeping up after the late show at a pornographic cinema
found a 24-year-old Thai man dead in his seat. Police said he died of
heart failure during the double bill of Chinese and Japanese sex films.
===========================================================================
FRAGMENTS FROM OTISIAN HOLY BOOKS
===========================================================================
[Below is possibly the beginning of a series of various holy Otisian texts.
Some of these have been translated directly from the original cuneiform.]
1. In the name of Otis, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
2. This Book, there is no doubt in it, is a guide to those who guard
(against B. Otis).
3. Those who believe in the unseen and keep up prayer and send Otis his
due.
4. And who believe in that which has been revealed to you and that which
was revealed before you and they are sure of the hereafter.
5. These are on a right course from Otis and these it is that shall be
successful.
6. Surely those who disbelieve, it being alike to them whether you warn
them, or do not warn them, will not believe.
7. Otis has set a seal upon their hearts and upon their hearing and there
is a covering over their eyes, and there is a great punishment for them.
Nor will they partake in the coming glory of salvation from Ragnorock.
8. And there are some people who say: We believe in Otis and the last day;
and they are not at all believers. And there are some who say: We will
write for Purps and never do.
9. They desire to deceive Otis and those who believe, and they deceive only
themselves and they do not perceive.
10. There is a disease in their hearts, so Otis added to their disease and
they shall have a painful chastisement because they do not set themselves
on fire.
11. And when it is said to them, Do not make mischief in the land, they
say: We are but peace-makers.
12. Now surely they themselves are the mischief makers, but they do not
perceive.
13. And when it is said to them: Believe as the people believe they say:
Shall we believe as the fools believe? Now surely they themselves are the
fools, but they do not know.
14. And when they meet those who believe, they say: We believe; and when
they are alone with their dreadfully dull and boring tired old gods , they
say: Surely we are with you, we were only mocking.
15. Otis shall pay them back their mockery, and He leaves them alone in
their inordinacy, blindly wandering on.
16. These are they who buy error for the right direction of the four fold
arrow, so their bargain shall bring no gain, nor are they the followers of
the right direction of the four fold arrow.
17. Their parable is like the parable of one who kindled a fire but when it
had illumined all around him, Otis took away their light, and left them in
utter darkness-- they do not see. Nor were they provided with coleman gas
lanterns in the afterlife.
18. Deaf, dumb (and) blind, so they will not turn back.
19. Or like abundant rain from the cloud in which is utter darkness and
thunder and lightning; they put their fingers into their ears because of
the thunder peal, for fear of death, and Otis encompasses the unbelievers
and sent the Mighty Spode to make a mockery of them.
20. The lightning almost takes away their sight; whenever it shines on them
they walk in it, and when it becomes dark to them they stand still; and if
Otis had pleased He would certainly have taken away their hearing and their
sight; surely Otis has power over all things, but often Otis is too busy to
go messing with the wretched unbelievers.
21. O men! serve Otis and send in Money! Who created you and those before
you so that you may guard (against B. Otis).
22. Who made the earth a resting place for you and the heaven a canopy and
(Who) sends down rain from the cloud then brings forth with it subsistence
for you of the fruits; therefore do not set up rivals to Otis while you
know.
23. And if you are in doubt as to that which We have revealed to Pope Cool
I, then produce a chapter like it and call on your witnesses besides Otis
if you are truthful.
24. But if you do (it) not and never shall you do (it), then be on your
guard against the darkness of which men and stones are the fuel; it is
prepared for the unbelievers.
25. And convey good news to those who believe and do good deeds, that they
shall have gardens in which rivers flow; whenever they shall be given a
portion of the fruit salad thereof, they shall say: This is what was given
to us before; and they shall be given the like of it, and they shall have
pure mates in them, and in them, they shall abide. And they shall enjoy tea
on the lawn every Friday.
26. Surely Otis is not ashamed to set forth any parable-- (that of) a gnat
or any thing above that; then as for those who believe, they know that it
is the truth from the mouth of Otis, and as for those who disbelieve, they
say: What is it that Otis means by this parable: He causes many to err by
it and many He leads aright by it! but He does not cause to err by it (any)
except the transgressors,
27. Who break the covenant of Otis after its confirmation and cut asunder
what Otis has ordered to be joined, and make mischief in the land; these it
is that are the losers. And they will be forced to have Brow as a dinner
guest.
===========================================================================
DR SIMPSON SPEAKS
===========================================================================
"It took courage to write about Otisian archeology, and it
will take courage to read about it. Because its knowledge and
truths do not fit into the mosaic of traditional archeology,
constructed so laboriously and cemented firmly down, "scientists"
will call it nonsense.
All the lights in the House of the High Priests of Science are
out, all the doors and windows are shut and securely fastened (they
do not sleep with their windows open for fear the truth might fly
in); I have rung the bell of Reason, banged on their door with
Logic, and thrown the gravel of Evidence against their windows; but
the only sign of life in the house is the occasional snore of
Dogma.
When will they remember that the origin of the very word
Science comes from the Latin scientia, meaning knowledge? True
scientists are supposed to search for truth wherever that search
leads them." -- Dr. S. P. Simpson
===========================================================================
MORE FROM HONGKONG
===========================================================================
South China Morning Post - 31 July 1991
_High price of freedom_
MOSCOW: Soviet citizens planning to take advantage of freer foreign
travel had an unpleasant shock when the Government published a new
scale of charges for issuing passports and other services.
The fee for obtaining a passport to travel abroad has been
increased to 1,000 roubles (about HK$4,000) [about US$520], more than
three times the average monthly pay.
=================
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 31 July 1991
_Honesty Slays_
Czechoslovak Airlines, from the country which brought you the
Skoda, now has business-class service on nonstop flights from New
York to Prague and Bratislava four days a week.
(We imagine that if you pay extra, they will agree not to meet
you at the airport in a Skoda limousine.)
But honesty has forced Czechoslovak Airlines to go for perhaps
the most wimpish advertising slogan we have ever heard:
"OK ... and getting even better."
=================
South China Morning Post - 30 April 1991
_KGB 'steps up spying activities'_
WASHINGTON: [some deleted]
The KGB also recently resumed a campaign to discredit the United
States in domestic and foreign newspapers, officials say. They cited
stories such as one last month in a Zimbabwe newspaper that claimed
the United States was exporting condoms laced with AIDS-infected
lubricants.
[remainder deleted]
=================
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 5 August 1991
_Listed, Dated_
The cheery Craig Lindsey of Pacific Rim Ventures is returning to
Canada to do an MBA in Nova Scotia. He made a list of "Ten Things I
Will Miss in Hongkong".
1. Reading _Lai See_. And I'm not just saying this to get
published, honestly.
2. Living in a place where people are called Milky and Ringo.
3. Lan Kai Fong [popular bar area -Spode] at 3:30am.
4. Buying thousand-year-old eggs in 7-Eleven.
5. The Standard Chartered [bank] [HK]$10 a Pint Night at Scotties.
6. The Hongkong Sevens.
7. Scoping for babes in Chater Garden on a Sunday afternoon.
8. The Frog and Toad.
9. Living in a place where the fines for littering outweight those
for insider trading.
10. Doing the Wan Chai Waddle.
=================
South China Morning Post - 30 July 1991
_Vice Streets_
ZURICH: Switzerland's legendary passion for order and tidiness took
a new turn with publication in the city gazette of a list of officially
approved pavements where prostitutes may ply their trade.
=================
South China Morning Post - 31 July 1991
_Smokers Return_
VANCOUVER: The Town Pump Cabaret, the first nightclub in Canada to
ban smoking, said it had been forced to reopen its doors to smokers
to avoid going out of business. It found that people who did not
smoke did not drink much either.
=================
Sunday Morning Post - 4 August 1991
_Philosophy with a bang_
Weighty philosophical discussions with taxi drivers are not as
common here as in New York or London perhaps, but sometimes pearls
of wisdom are tossed across from the front seat.
Last week, during a stop for traffic lights, the cab driver
glanced across at another taxi idling alongside in the next lane.
"You know, I often think I am in a very dangerous occupation,"
he said, apparently apropos of nothing.
The passenger, following his gaze, could not help but agree.
There in the left hand window of the adjacent vehicle were two
very neat bullet holes.
=================
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 5 August 1991
_One Good Tern_
University of North Carolina political science professor Dr.
Robert Mundt says he has uncovered "improprieties in the sausage
industry".
Dr. Mundt claims that unscrupulous manufacturers are using
sea gull meat in their sausages, and says this represents "a tern
for the wurst".
=================
_Newsweek_ International Edition - 5 August 1991
_Bats in Bahia: Vampires Come Calling_
The night callers glide noiselessly through an open bedroom window
on any hot, sultry evening. Sleepers are rarely awakened by the tiny
bite in an arm, a leg or a neck. But the next day the victim feels a
soreness, and sees a swollen bump where something drank of his blood.
The scene out of the "Vampires' Ball" is the work of little vampire
bats, and has repeated itself with terrifying regularity in three
backwater villages in Brazil's northeastern state of Bahia. By last
week three people had died after being bitten by rabies-infected
vampire bats near Apora'. And about 291 other other villagers had
sought treatment after being bitten.
The nocturnal raids began last month when trees surrounding the
caves that sheltered the bats were cut down. The bats migrated to
shadier caves to escape the unwelcome daylight, and the villages now
lie within their territory. The gray bats, which measure a foot
across the wing, used to feed on wildlife and farm animals. Now they
are contaminating domestic dogs and cats with rabies, along with their
human prey. The Bahia state health department has sped thousands of
antirabies vaccinations to the area. Health authorities have placed
netting on people's doors and windows to fend off attacks. Nets are
also placed over entrances to bat caves. Every bat caught alive is
coated with a poisonous cream, Vampiricina. Since bats have the habit
of licking one another, a single treated bat can keep 20 others from
biting again.
===
Isn't it wonderful the way humans live in harmony with nature? -Spode
===========================================================================
THE POPES MOVE (Dr. Simpson)
===========================================================================
The Papal See has been moved! In a courageous return to the
fundamentals of Otisianism, Pope Jeffe has moved the seat of his
power back to Boston, Massachusetts where Pope Enzio moved the
Order in 1920 to escape religious and financial persecution in
Britain. The new offices of the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes
take up the first and second floors of the new Jordan Building in
beautiful Cambridge, only four blocks from the historic red brick
building that housed the first Papacy in America and only three
blocks from stately Harvard University. To reach the Pope directly
send to:
Pope Jeffe I, Suite 209
The Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes
955 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge MA 02139
It is VERY important to include the suite number. The
Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes is sub-leasing the other floors
to other persecuted religious minorities. There are two Rev. Jeffs
and a Pope Jim in the building. The fact that Pope Jim has the top
floor has nothing to do with status. Pope Jeffe chose to be close
to his people. 209 also has a really nice big plate glass window
that you can look down women's dresses from.
If you wish to contact other departments of the Intergalactic
House of Fruitcakes, please find their office number first. We
have not yet worked out all the bugs in the mailing system. Please
also be aware that not all departments will be housed in the new
building. A portion of the top Otisian leadership will be leaving
in October to re-establish a temple in London, home of the rebirth
of Otisianism.
===========================================================================
HYMN OF SPIDERMAN (Dr. Simpson)
===========================================================================
ON SPIDERMAN
(hey man, what's going on here?)
(ha ha, Oh man! ha ha)
They say that Superman stops locomotives
And Wonderwoman shoots pleasure from her hips.
Now the Hulk, he's a monster of insanity,
Nobody knows what he can see.
'N did you know that Spiderman does trip?
He goes to the arcade every day.
He thinks pac-man is such a blip, yeah.
I'm sure you're astounded and a little shocked,
Every night he goes and gets himself crocked.
Did you know that Spiderman takes trip?
Aquaman found Atlantis in the ocean
And smiling Capt. Nemo's sinking ships.
Now, you all thought that they did it straight.
They all think that Lucy is great!
We all know that Spiderman does trip.
(guitar solo)
Did you ever wonder how he spun his webs?
He's got acid in his head.
We all know that Spiderman takes trip.
(aw man, he takes trip, man. What a bummer!)
(Blah...Blah!)
===========================================================================
STUPID ANIMAL STUNTS
===========================================================================
From: keith@wattres.San-Jose.CA.US (Keith Letterman)
Subject: Re: Fun with animals
Date: 13 Aug 91 11:06:43 GMT
In article <1991Aug8.134437.12433@cs.yale.edu> kasha@twolf.ce.yale.edu writes:
>I went to cornell, a big agriculture school. A friend did an artificial
>...
>to each other, you take your other arm, and insert it elbow deep in the
>remaining hole and feel around the internal anatomy to find the right
>spot. I did not get anymore details, but I assume that you take a
>shower next.
>
At good ol' U.C. Davis (another highly prominent agricultural
school), we had something called "picnic day", where families and other
visitors get to see some of the ludicrous things that pass for
education. My housemate was in the veterinary (sp?) school, and he
participated by supervising the "explore-a-cow".
The demo cow has a healed, though not sealed, hole into her
innards. The privileged guest dons an optional arm length glove, and
inserts his or her arm into the bovine's interior. The glove is highly
recommended, as Pete told me of a gent who declined it, and afterwards
could not be approached due to the permeating odor which takes days to
wash off.
If you go to the U.C. Davis Picnic Day, (early spring) you too
can participate in this loving interaction between man and beast...
===========================================================================
SIPHON SURPRISE
===========================================================================
From: bdh@gsbsun.uchicago.edu (Brian D. Howard)
Subject: Siphon Surprise
Date: 13 Aug 91 18:25:28 GMT
I recently heard on the radio a story about someone who tried to
siphon gas out of a motorhome. The story claimed the perpetrator
opened the wrong cap, siphoned instead from the holding tank
of the lavatory, and was supposedly found curled up on the ground
outside the motorhome the next morning.
Does anyone recall hearing this same story?
Does anyone believe it?
--
"Old age and treachery will overcome youth and talent."
===========================================================================
MORE ELVIS RUMORS
===========================================================================
From: markh@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Mark William Hopkins)
Subject: Elvis underground in Witness Protection Program??
Date: 15 Aug 91 20:18:45 GMT
This doesn't exactly qualify as a conspiracy, but it's the most interesting
story I've heard in a long while.
Bill Bixby hosted a live show yesterday, that I'm sure some of you saw,
called the Elvis Files, and it brought up the possibility that Elvis (a
known agent of the DEA in the '70's) may have been involved in a FBI
undercover sting operation against the Paternity culminating in the sting
in August of '77, after which he went underground under the Witness
Protection Program.
The array of evidence brought up to support this idea included
(1) declassified FBI documentation ranging from the late '70's to early
'80's.
(2) handwriting analyses performed by accredited experts on several
items on his "Medical Examiners Report", and several signatures on
the above-mentioned FBI documents (signed Frederic Poll, I think),
and reams of other samples.
(3) voice analyses of recordings of purported calls (with hours of data
to draw from)
(4) alleged photos (including one shot of him leaving the hospital with
his friend Muhammed Ali back around '84 or so)
(5) testimony from some of his friends relating to discrepancies in the
inventory compiled at his 'death' (with regard to hundreds of items
known to be in his possession in 8/77 not listed in his estate)
(6) de-classified coast guard reports of someone resembling Elvis
being rescued multiple times in a disabled boat off the coast of
Florida.
and various other discrepancies.
Bixby said himself that he was reluctant to take on the show (for obvious
reasons), until he was presented with this vast array of evidence.
So??? Actually sounds like a plausible story, given that he WAS on the
payroll as a Federal Agent ... buy it?
===========================================================================
SILLY QUOTE
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 91 22:28:45 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: silly quote
"If you wrapped yourself in the flag like George Bush does,
you would be worried about flag burning too."
- anonymous
===========================================================================
MORE OTIS IN THE NEWS (Dr. Simpson)
===========================================================================
OTISIANS SOLUTION TO DEMOCRATIC ANGST?
In a move that has electrified the Democratic party, Senator
Philip Mather of Ohio has suggested that his party co-operate with
the Otisians to form a coalition capable of defeating George Bush
in '92.
"I'm not sure we have a choice," said Sen. Mather, "We have
the technical know-how in government and they have greater numbers
and respectability but no experience."
Many moderate Democrats have denounced the Otisians as
"anarchists" and some progressive Democrats have been highly
critical of the Otisian stand on separation of church and state.
===========================================================================
TEXAS NEWSPAPERS
===========================================================================
Date: Fri, 16 Aug 91 19:02:46 CDT
From: Steve J White <aragorn@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: Texas Newspapers Reach New Lows (fwd)
Hey there Mal--
I was hoping by sending this to you it would get into the next Purps. If
not, would you send it to whomever SHOULD get it? Or, just tell me who to
send it to, OR send it to /dev/nul, OR tell me to take a flying fuck off an
Otis elevator... see ya.
- steve
_______________________________________________________________________
>From @pucc.PRINCETON.EDU:ACTIV-L@UMCVMB.BITNET Wed Aug 14 12:27:16 1991
>Date: Wed, 14 Aug 1991 12:19:09 CDT
>Subject: Texas Newspapers Reach New Lows
>
From Michael Worsham, Texas A & M University, August 13, 1991
Texas papers are sinking ever lower recently. Consider theres 2 bits:
1) On Saturday, August 10, 1991 the Houston Chronicle, on the top right
corner of its front page, has a full color picture of Elvis Presley
with a bold caption "The King Lives" with the rest of the come-on
reading "Texas claims Elvis will rise from the grave, make a big
comeback" with a direction to the reader to find the "story" in the
Houston section of the paper.
Is this the National Enquirer of what? The story is about some guy who
gets media attention by giving this speil about what Elvis will do when
he comes back. I suppose that since the Chronicle, which printed its
second in-house editorial denouncing the October Surprise investigation
is so busy covering up for Bush/Gates that it has to resort to this
pathetic crap. But putting it on the front page? I'm glad my
subscription runs out at the end of the month.
2) The Austin Chronicle reports this bit from the Dallas Morning News. On
the top of the front page of the DMN's August 4 edition ran the head-
line "Boost: JFK Film Brought Dollars to Dallas." The story ran in the
Arts section, concerning how much money the filming of Oliver Stone's
film JFK brought to Dallas.
The Austin Chronicle reporter Al L. Ears opined : "Isn't that nice. The
theme seems to be that if Kennedy had been assassinated in any other
city this is money that Dallas would never have seen."
Reported by Michael Worsham
===========================================================================
CATEGORIES OF OTISIANISM (Dr. Simpson)
===========================================================================
Numinous personages may be divided into three categories in Otisianism.
First are members of the priesthood. Their mystical powers are rarely
greater than simple mind-reading or spoon-bending tricks but their role as
guardians of theological orthodoxy more than compensates for their weakness
on the ethereal plane. Their auras are rarely visible to the average
mortal. The second category of numinous personages is saints. Saints
manifest powerful miracle-working capability but they are usually tuned to
specific stimuli, usually an ecstatic state reached in commune with a
particular god(dess) after many hours of meditation and prayer, although
long debauches have also been reported to work. Saints are the vehicles of
theological change and, as such, are rarely appreciated in their lifetime.
Saints' auras tend to only be visible when performing miracles. The third
category of numinous personages is divine incarnations. These beings are
human bodies that carry the divine essence for the course of a human life.
While their auras can often be seen for miles, direct possession is not an
effective tool for precise miracle manipulation. Rather than specific,
defined events, these beings produce a field in which the divinity's power
is especially manifest. While there are numerous examples of two of these
states occurring in a single being (most commonly priest-saint or
priest-incarnation), there are no canonical examples of all three occurring
in one being. Pope Jeffe, current head of the priesthood, has clearly
demonstrated the miracle characteristics of the saint but has repeatedly
denied that he is an incarnation of Otis.
===========================================================================
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND
===========================================================================
--Subink 1991
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
mal@socpsy.sci.fau.edu technology" --Electro the Robot
barker@acc.fau.edu
barker@fauvax.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
