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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 24
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** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 24
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/POB 235 /WILLIAMSTOWN MA, 01267-0235
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INTRO
===========================================================================
Boy oh boy. This has turned into a real ugly mess. I seem to have
managed to swamp myself with various bits of stuff to toss into Purps.
Not much Otisian stuff this time. This Issue is going to end up longer that
it is supposed, to be, but oh well these things happen right?
As usual I put off till the last instant so once again we have to make do
with a shoddy product. [This should teach me to plan ahead I suppose.]
This issue should be titled "Junk Mail Extraordinaire", since that's mostly
what this issue is. Along with some choice bits of other stuff here and
there.
I know News of the Weird is very popular so I left all that I had in and
a lot of what Spode Sent. Clearly Spode being in Hongkong has done
something to that place. Let this be a lesson to you all. When you move
to a new location, find out first if Spode if living near by. If so be
prepared for endless amounts of weird events and happenings.
Also including in this mega-junk issue, are once again more campaign
statements and various Humpy the Stump Bear Announcements. These's have
been slowing down late due to various cosmic events such as star
alignments and what not.
Also we have some submissions from new people who have never submitted
before. Come on the rest of you! You to can be a star in the Purple
Thunderbolt of Spode. Put your shoulder to the wheel and help the cause.
We really don't need fence sitters here.
Speaking of shouldering wheels, how many of you have made your tape
business for the Otisian 1-900 line? Now you too can not only be famous
on here, but also on live telephone. Baffle and befuddle innocent
bystanders. Get tremendous coverage of your cause. Make the innocent
masses see the light of Otis. Surely each and every one of you could pick
up a microphone and with a few pots and pans, or even a comb and a piece
of tissue paper compose a suitable hymn to Otis.
Please note that the official Snail Mail address of the Otisians is now at
the top of this Purps. Feel free to write the Pope and get on the amazing
mail list. This computer deal is only half the fun. Send the Pope a few
stamps and your mail box will overflow with printed Otisian Material. It's
also a good time now to reserve your copy of the Otisian Directory which
will be coming out soon. [I think that costs $3 or $4 now. I'm not sure
though. Drop the Pope a line at stevensj@vax001.kenyon.edu and he can clue
you in.]
After lashing together:
Boy what a big mess. THis issue is essential the size of two issues, but
well it all kinda goes together. Sorry about not doing a great job on
proofreading and stuff. There was just so much of it and well the yacht
needed servicing today.
Also one note: Shark has been made pregnant by the Pope. She now carries
a Divine Child as well.
What's Inside
Manly-Men's Commandments
News of the Weird
Shark Speaks
And You Though Jesse Helms Was the Only Thing Wrong With NC
Heether Speaks
More News of the Weird
Watch Who You're Zipping
Build Your Own Digeridoo
And Still More News of the Weird
Otisian Story
Hazards of Doing Laundry
Sesame Street Actor Goes Berserk
Tossed Out of the Theater
Prayer To Heether
And Still More News of the Weird
Essay on Otis and Chucks
Clippings From The Campaign Trail
Weird Wild World of Hongkong
Free State of Cyberia
More Weirdness from Hongkong
And Still More News of the Weird
Optima Plan Part I
Evil Plot Uncovered
The Divine Child
An Official Spodian Submission
And Still More News of the Weird
Yet Another Spode Submission
How to Protect Yourself From Space Aliens
Pork Queens
More Ravings from Shark
The Chuck Egnima
And Still More Wackiness from Hongkong
Mal Speaks Plus Revelations from Humpy the Stumpy Bear
Voter Fraud
More from Shark
More Notes on the Campaign Trail and Stumpy Stuff
A Response to One of Our New Readers
And Still More Campaign Notes.
Anyways, let the games begin:
===========================================================================
MANLY-MEN'S COMMANDMENTS
===========================================================================
[Clip and save. That's right. Just take this right out of Purps and
print it out. Post it on the employee bulletin board or the bathroom and
see what happens.]
Date: Wed, 19 Jun 91 9:34:11 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: Manly-Men's Ten Commandments (fwd)
From acct069@carroll1.cc.edu Tue Jun 18 21:35:17 1991
From: Ron <acct069@carroll1.cc.edu>
The following Manly-men Commandments were written so as to remove any
ambiguity that could arise in regard to the treatment of one's
spouse/fiance/girlfriend. It is hoped that all men obey these sacred
laws, for any breach of these written rules will be considered a sin
against womanhood and may result in the loss of manly privileges such as
Monday Night Football with the guys or hitting the ball with your
neighbor, Ted.
The Manly-Men Ten Commandments
I. Thou shall obey thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend at all times.
II. Thou shall shower thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend with gifts daily.
III. Thou shall unconditionally love thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend with
all of thy heart and mind.
IV. Thou shall listen to thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend at all times and
NEVER question the decision of thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend.
V. Thou shall love thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend('s) mother with all
thy heart and mind and respect her as thy would as thine own.
VI. Thou shall cater to thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend('s) every whim.
VII. Thou shall spend every waking moment thinking of thy
spouse/fiance/girlfriend and call her at work/home at least once a day
just to "say hello."
VIII. Thou shall dedicate thy entire life, limb and savings account/IRA/CD
to thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend.
IX. Thou shall not cross, argue with, criticize, debate with, anger,
embarrass in public or ignore thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend at
ANY time.
X. Thou shall perfect thy mind-reading skills so as to prevent ANY
shred of misunderstanding that can occur in everyday life.
Follow these, and be manly.
===========================================================================
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 2 Jul 91 16:46:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the chapter "Weird Haberdashery":
[What exactly is Suspicion of Indecent Exposure? Is one Suspicious
Exposed? ]
A man wearing a G-string, chaps, a shirt, and shoes--but no pants--was
arrested in Los Angeles at 3:00 one morning while being led down a city
sidewalk on a chain by another man. The man in the chaps was booked on
suspicion on indecent exposure, but the man leading him by the chain was
not arrested because there is no law against leading someone by a chain.
[Reports could have been mistaken. It could have been a Yak Costume. Or
maybe a disguised Humpy the Stumpy Bear Costume. Put horns on a bear suit
and you've got a yak. Still, who would dare use Stumpy for such purposes.
Or a yak for that matter.]
A suspected narcotics dealer in Washington, D.C. was arrested as he sat in
his parked car sipping Schlitz Malt Liquor, which used a bull in its
advertising, by an undercover officer dressed as a bull. The rented
costume used in the arrest was designed to embarrass the 31-yr-old suspect,
who police Sgt. John Kornutick said had given police "a lot of abuse" in
the past.
[Notice how the toilet seats in public places are horseshoe shaped.
Perhaps wearing them around you neck could be a sign of luck. Has a study
been done to see if these students grades have improve with the use of
these talismans?]
West Delaware High School in Manchester, Iowa acted to curb students'
rest-room breaks by requiring students on their way to the bathroom to
wear toilet seats around their necks.
And from "People Who Won't Take No for an Answer":
In a 1981 incident, as gunfire rang out in a Las Vegas casino when police
scurried to catch some troublemakers, dozens of officers had to climb over
casino customers, who had dropped to their knees but continued to feed the
slot machines.
In 1978 Leonard Njuguna Muraya, a Kenyan [not Kenyon] exchange student at
the University of Oregon, attempted to commit suicide by jumping through a
closed 2nd-story window. The fall wasn't steep enough, so he went back
upstairs to a neighbor's 2nd-story apartment and jumped through that
closed window. Again, he failed so he went back to the neighbor's
apartment and tried it a 3rd time. He was rushed to the hospital but
pronounced dead shortly after arrival.
Light-skinned Theresa Mulqueen Skeeter sued her employer, a Norfolk,
Virginia municipal agency, for discriminating against her in 1983 because
of her race, claiming to have been born black and raised all her life with
blacks. In 1987 she filed another such complaint against the agency,
charging they discriminated against her because she is white.
In 1988 a man pulled a gun outside a Charles Town, West Virginia
convenience store minutes before it opened, fired a shot through the front
window to gain entry, and forced the clerk (who was preparing for the
day's business) to sell him a can of STP oil treatment.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Steph
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu "My room with a view views a room with a
view that views my room with a view. Look
Stephanie Klein three stories up, see a patch of blue..."
123 S. Madison -- Wall of Voodoo
LaGrange, IL 60525
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
===========================================================================
SHARK SPEAKS
===========================================================================
[More no doubt Divinely Inspired ravings from Shark, who appears to be
becoming our resident Cassandra. ]
Date: Wed, 19 Jun 91 20:59:26 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: .....(5)
I'm running down the street my fin and my flippers scraping the road,
headphones set to AC/DC's shoot to Thrill, looking for old people, dead
people and those just wandering around of strung out high in their cars, I
want to kill, the blood thirsty starve d shark on the loose, fed up with
age old people in their Lincoln town cars and stupid little signs in the
windows, just fuck with their minds, with their brains, do anything that
works and then shove them in a itty bitty garbage can o hell.
what I'd do for money...rip open vegetable cans in public, slam beer cans
on my head and look like a geek or a goon, throw bitchy women on the
ground and proceed to scare the living shit out of them..
Cuxz I'm back in black...living on the highway from hell sick of those
shit can grandparents blocking the road of the free and brave and the
mutherfucking soda pop can kids. Blowing my steam on the road to murder
city, killing the bumpers as I go..got the stereo going on 12, blowing the
neighborhood up, not that I care...I feeling bad...then stewy says I look
like a normal person, oh thanks.. Just cuz I come from a semi normal
family, have a semi-spastic cat, and yuppie sisters...oh great the whole
worlds going to hell and me with it, well I can't go cuz I have to figure
the damn program for my pagemaker class yet, and if I don't murder the
teacher first who's being sickly sweet, I think I'll go barf in the
corner, cuz it sucks and I hate not being able to grab the teacher's
attention to figure out just what the fuck I'm doing to the damn thing
aside from waiting to blow the goddammit thing up...wouldn't that be
nice... there's that word again, nice...too damn nice, think I need a
image change or to move someplace else...move to Australia, find andrew
and hoot and let it all out, go wild and become a visa addict. I want to
shake, rattle and roll, what the hell is normal anyway? Does anyone
really know? Do perfect families count? I got one, but who cares, does
it really matter, I had a great childhood I love my parents, I get a long
great with my siblings, my parents have basically said I can live here
until who knows when and I don't have to pay rent, but do you really care,
I didn't think so...I don't smoke, I don't do illegal things outside of
careless hacking once in a while and fuck, well I do some of that, you can
ask me personal shit if you want, I don't really care...I think that's the
bottom line, I know what I want to do, I don't care if I don't look crazy,
I like me just fine and if you don't, just fuck it, and don't pay attn
attention.
===========================================================================
AND YOU THOUGHT JESSIE HELMS WAS THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH NC
===========================================================================
Subject: Train Laws
Date: 3 Jul 91 12:58:46 GMT
I took a trip to Spencer Shops in Spencer, NC this past weekend, and
learned an interesting bit of railroad legislation. (Spencer Shops used
to be a railroad maintenance/classification facility owned by Southern
Railway).
Apparently, NC legislators, in their infinite wisdom :-), passed a law
that prohibited trains from running on Sunday unless there was livestock
or perishables aboard. Southern Railway kept a mule at Spencer Shops
whose sole purpose was to get on board a train on Sunday so that a run
could be made from Spencer to Goldsboro.
No clue as to whether mule appreciated his weekly trip....
Any other amusing railroad laws anyone knows about?
===========================================================================
HEETHER SPEAKS
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 91 15:59:28 pdt
From: hclausse@weber.UCSD.EDU (Heether)
Subject: RE: Prayers to the Goddess
[stuff deleted]
I am also glad to hear that you are eating TV dinners--I trust you
particularly delight in the most mushy of main entrees, which can of
course be shaped into paisley form in a gesture of holy worship. But, I
warn you, do NOT eat things packaged in checks and plaids, for these would
not well suit a paisley priest... Otherwise, twas distressing to hear of
the lack of paisley clothing in the thrift stores near you. I sent
paisley lust to all thrift store owners a while back, in the hopes that
this would help spread the paisley cause around the world in the form of
clothing (though nakedness and tattoos would be preferable --but i don't
think the mortal world is yet ready for this), but I suppose this
backfired--they must all be keeping their paisley wares to themselves.
Sigh--i am not used to dealing with mortal greed. But perhaps you, OH
Priest, can help by informing these shopkeepers that their customers wish
to buy paisley things (then we shall have to figure out how to inform the
customers. Hmm--perhaps a paisley scandal, which of course would be good
paisley worship as the only paisley sin is being an upright and straight
citizen, would help. If you have ideas, please pray them my way--I know
it might seem unseemly for a goddess like me to thus ask the advice of my
priest, but you ARE my intermediary on this plane, and I am constantly
befuddled by humans, for all that I enjoy playing with them much more than
watching from afar as some of my fellow deities do...)
[stuff deleted]
Innumerable and Greatly Twisted blessings
--P.G.
===========================================================================
MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 3 Jul 91 16:34:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: News o' the Weird
Enjoy this while it lasts, friends; I'm only going to be here another
month...
This is from the chapter called "The Entrepreneurial Spirit":
The best-performing British exports, according to a contest in 1975, were
the spaghetti the Great Yarmouth company sold to Italy and the chow mein
sold by Birkenhead to Hong Kong. The pre-fab huts sold to Outer Mongolia
and the tom- toms sold to several African nations by smaller companies
were 2 other leading exports.
And from "Makes Sense to Me":
Appealing his prison-escape conviction before the Iowa Supreme Court, a
convict said that he was just trying to escape the prison's "drug-filled
environment."
A 37-yr-old New York boat mechanic was convicted of the 1980 murder of a
Long Island man and sentenced to life in prison. The jury did not accept
his explanation that he stabbed his victim 72 times and ran over him with
a car in "self-defense."
Administrative law Judge Robert Kendall refused to order the all-male
Bohemian Club (which counts among its members ex-presidents of the U.S. as
well as corporate executives) to hire female employees at its exclusive
retreat. Kendall found that the club did discriminate against women but
that it had a "legitimate defense" in that the club members "urinate in
the open without even the use of rudimentary toilet facilities" and that a
woman's presence would "alter" their behavior.
The New York State Health Department fined A. Barton Hepburn Hospital
$4000 in 1984 for allowing its chief medical officer, Dr. John
Bongiovanni, to continue to perform operations after a 1980 auto accident
left him blind. Bongiovanni performed urinary, bladder, and prostate
operations with the help of nurses and other doctors who made decisions
for him.
[stuff deleted]
===========================================================================
WATCH WHO YOU'RE ZIPPING
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 91 20:16:47 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: Zip-Zip (fwd)
Some years ago, one of the St. Paul, MN newspapers ran the following
story as a news item:
{ed But also quite probably an urban legend...}
A recently-married young couple were getting dressed for work one morning
and were in foul humor as the result of a just-ended spat. The wife had
trouble with the zipper of her dress and finally asked her husband to zip
it up. He grabbed the zipper and said "Zip, zip, zip!" as he yanked it up
and down, wrecking the zipper of her best dress in the process. That did
little to promote wedded bliss but they finally went off to work.
When the wife came home from work that afternoon, she saw her husband
working under his car parked in the driveway with just his legs extending
from beneath it. As she walked by, she grabbed his zipper and said "Zip,
zip, zip!" as she jerked it up and down. Feeling smug and pleased with
herself, she walked into the house but was horrified to discover her
husband standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of water. "Who was that
under the car," she gasped. "Oh, that was our neighbor, Joe," he replied.
Then she had to confess what she had done and asked him "What do we do
now?" After a moment's thought, he said "Well, we'd better go out and
apologize and explain the situation to him." So they went out and called
to him but got no response. Looking under the car, they discovered that
he had been so startled that he had reared up, knocking himself
unconscious, and was bleeding heavily from a deep cut on his forehead.
There the story ended, but I suspect that the couple had some difficult
moments while trying to fix that embarrassing situation.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@looking.on.ca instead.
===========================================================================
BUILD YOUR OWN DIGERIDOO!
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 04 Jul 91 21:41:03 -0400
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>
Subject: Digeridoo Info.
>From: ccrowley@ohmeda.com (Chris Crowley)
Subject: didgeridoo lessons 4U
hello, I started some didgeridoo (doo) interest a few weeks ago with the
request for some recorded music. Well... I did buy Kate Bush "the
dreaming" it was terrible. I had to sell the CD back to the store, which
I rarely do. The other CD I bought was "BAKA" by the group "Outback" on
hannibal records. This is very good. Now the coincidence: I have been
looking to buy a doo for almost 3 years. Two days after I bought the
latter CD, two people appeared on the local campus selling doos. I bought
one, got some lessons, etc.
Now I will try to answer your questions:
TO MAKE A PVC PIPE DOO: get 4 feet of 2" dia schedule 40 PVC pipe from the
local hardware store. Also get a fitting that connects the 2" pipe to 1"
sch 40 pipe. This is a cap with a hole in it. The cap will be your
mouthpiece. I went to the hardware store and did this. The sound is not
as good as a wooden doo, but still pretty good.
TO PLAY THE DOO: "Prap" your lips like a motorboat. Try different rates.
Soon you will get the tube to resonate. When you have this down, try
moving your throat, mo get t (sorry problems with the editor) get the tube
to resonate. When you have it, try moving your throat, tongue, lips,
cheeks, etc. Try humming while prapping. When you really have it, move
your mouth off to the side so that half (I use the left) of your upper and
lower lips are over the hole and half are not. This gives you much better
control.
TO CIRCULARLY BREATH: This came almost naturally to me after 4 days of
nearly constant play (yes, I have a job). Practice by filling your
cheeks, breathing in through your nose while squeezing your cheeks closed.
That was easy, the hard part for me was re-starting the doo after each
breath. Just practice, it will come I promise. Make it a habit to ONLY
breath in through your nose, while exhaling by squeezing your cheeks. NO
CHEATING! after a few days it will work. Saying the word didgeridoo (yes,
i am serious) while breathing in through your nose and exhaling through
your cheeks (and prapping all the time) will help. I swear. anyway see
ya.
\ ccrowley@ohmeda.com
===========================================================================
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 23 Jun 91 20:42:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the chapter entitled "It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time":
A cinder block tossed from a car window killed a man in Minneola, NY in
1988. 2 college students, both 20, were charged with 2nd-degree
manslaughter for allegedly throwing the cinder block that killed 22-yr-old
Umansor Benitez as he stepped off a train. Investigators said that the 2
students were trying a stunt called "papering," in which a bundle of
newspapers is thrown at passersby from a moving car & harmlessly flies
apart in the air. The students reportedly used a cinder block when they
couldn't find a bundle of newspapers.
From the chapter "First Things First":
The woman whom Catholic priest Gene Jakubek confessed to having had sex
with 4 times in 2 years insisted they actually had sex twice a month for 4
years. In fairness to Jakibek, she added that he did give up sex for Lent.
In Paris, when the pilot of a French jetliner bound for Marseilles
announced to the 280 passengers as the plane was ready for takeoff that he
had decided to join a strike by his company's ground crew, the passengers
seized the aircraft & announced they were holding the pilot hostage until
either he took off or the airline found them another flight.
And from "Okay, You Explain It":
After the New Jersey Dept. of Transportation began construction on a
7.2-mile stretch of Rte. 55 in 1983, the following things occurred: One
construction worker was run over by an asphalt roller truck; another was
blown off a bridge overpass; 1 inspector died on the job of a brain
aneurysm; 1 worker's feet mysteriously blackened; 1 worker's wife
miscarried; a van carrying 5 workers burned & exploded; 1 worker's parents
were killed in an auto accident the night after the project began; the
brother & father of 1 worker died on the same weekend. Carl Pierce, chief
of the Delaware Indians, said that the construction desecrated an ancient
burial ground.
From the chapter called "Oops":
The most serious injury attributed to the Dec. 1988 Los Angeles earthquake
was a man admitted to a Burbank hospital after he mistook the tremor for
an intruder & shot himself in the leg.
In Hammond, IN, an employee of the Northern Indiana Public Service
Company, sent to disconnect a customer's service because the electricity
bill had not been paid, instead turned off the power to the house next
door, killing a woman hooked up to life-support equipment. The utility
apologized & offered to pay the woman's funeral expenses.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Steph
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu "In every jumbled pile of person there's
kleinsr@marcus.kenyon.edu a thinking part that wonders what the part
that isn't thinking isn't thinking of."
Stephanie Klein --They Might Be Giants
123 S. Madison
LaGrange, IL 60525
===========================================================================
OTISIAN STORY
===========================================================================
One day, a long time ago, Otis and Spode up and decided it was high time
to pay a visit to the Greek gods. After all Spode and Otis had been
around for quite a few years before these young upstarts showed up.
And so Otis and Spode climbed up the great peak of Mount Olympus taking
their time and occasionally stopping at the photo opportunity spots to
take a picture or two for the folks back home in ancient Sumeria.
Finally the reached the of the home of the Gods of Olympus. Hercules
came storming out to see who exactly were these two creatures who had
dared to tread on sacred soil.
Suddenly Spode had an idea. "Great Scott! Otis your shirts on fire!"
"Huh what!" said Otis a bit dazed. He'd been thinking up something witty
to say to the muscle bound fellow who was approaching them.
"Quick. Put out your shirt! It's on fire!", yelled Spode panicking.
It suddenly dawned on Otis was going on, so he quickly put out his shirt.
Taking the tails our from there they were neatly tucked in his pants.
Spode smirked at the sight of Otis now with his shirt tales undone.
Hercules seeing the state of Otis's atire was loath to present him to the
other gods, but in the end he did.
The Olympian Gods of course took note of Otis's disheveled looks much to
Spode glee and from that day forward refered to him as "That Scruffy God
from Sumeria".
===========================================================================
HAZARDS OF DOING THE LAUNDRY
===========================================================================
Date: Fri, 05 Jul 91 12:59:45 CDT
From: UC541831@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU
Subject: News of the Weird...the lady who lost her arm to laundry
WOMAN'S ARM SEVERED IN WASHING MACHINE ACCIDENT
Boonville, IND (AP) A woman's arm was severed when she tried to push
clothes back into the coin-operated washing machine during its spin
cycle, authorities s aid. Norma Bass, 26, was in critical but stable
condition after nine hours of surgery to reattach her lower arm. Bass
and her two preschool-age children were the only ones at the Laundromat wh
en the accident occurred. "Her younger daughter had opened the door. The
washer was in a spin cycle and clothes started to fall out of it. Norma
ran back and apparently tried to push t he clothes back into the washer,"
police chief Wendell Ingram said today. Her arm got entangled with the
clothes and apparently was twisted off at the el bow, he said. One of her
children dialed 911
===========================================================================
SESAME STREET ACTOR GOES BERSERK
===========================================================================
Date: 23 Jun 91 20:48:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: for purps... this tv star thing is getting out of hand:
From News of the Weird:
New Yorker Northern J. Calloway, 32, an actor on the tv series Sesame
Street, went on a rampage through a residential neighborhood, beating a
woman with an iron rod, taking a school bag from a child waiting for a
school bus, breaking a car windshield with a rock, smashing the plate
glass window of a house, & vandalizing the interior of another home. "My
wife & I saw the man run naked into our garage," said Douglas Wright. "I
got my gun & found him in there. He had spilled a bag of white herbicide
on his body, & he was rolling on the ground & running around." After
Wright fired a warning shot over his head, Calloway "Fell to the ground
screaming" that he had been shot. "Then he jumped up & washed his face &
hands in our birdbath . . . and said he was a CIA man," Wright said. As he
was being taken away, strapped to a stretcher, Calloway screamed, "I'm
David of Sesame Street, and they're trying to kill me."
===========================================================================
TOSSED OUT OF A THEATER
===========================================================================
Date: Fri, 05 Jul 91 13:17:08 CDT
From: UC541831@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU
Subject: More weird news...
Woman Ejected From Theater For Bringing Food
Knight Ridder Newspapers
Miami...No smoking during the movie please. No talking. No crying babies.
And definitely no eating, unless it's from the lobby food counter. That
last rule landed Marie LaValley outside the Wometco Kendall 9 Movie theater
on Monday, ejected by two police officers and a theater manager. Her
transgression: eating whole-wheat jumbo fruit cookies she had bought
somewhere else. LaValey has hypoglycemia, a disease that causes her
blood sugar level to plummet if she doesn't follow a sugar-free diet. She
said that's why she brought sugarless cookies into the theater. LaValey
and her daughter were watching a movie when a theater attendant asked h er
to put the cookies away, or leave the theater. "Go away and stop
bothering me," Lavaley said she told the attendant. She didn't know the
theater had a ban on food bought outside. Police arrived about an hour
later. "I was surprised they would come for something as silly as that,"
she said. But Womentco's vice president of operations, Jon Wray, doesn't
see it that way, hypoglycemia or not. He said if the company didn't
enforce the food rule, people would try to sneaks in such things as
"complete meals and pizzas."
******
Maybe we could like have a five-course dinner delivered :-)
===========================================================================
PRAYERS TO HEETHER
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 12:12:15 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: okay so now I gotta worship another damn deity
for your reference, the following is the message I sent Heether.
****
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 12:09:45 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: the invocation is now in session
To: Heether the Paisley Goddess <hclausse@weber.ucsd.edu>
<rhythmic drum beats begin>
<acolytes in paisley robes set light to the contents of two braziers>
<twisting patterns of fragrant smoke fill the chamber>
ALL HAIL THE PAISLEY GODDESS
mother of the paisley
ALL HAIL THE DIVINE SHAPE
child of the mother
ALL HAIL THE PATTERNS OF CHAOS
essence of them both
HAIL HEETHER
HAIL HEETHER
HAIL HEETHER
===========================================================================
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 5 Jul 91 18:42:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the chapter called "The Sports Section":
An April 1967 spring training game between the Chicago Cubs and the
California Angels in Las Vegas was called off in the 9th inning (with the
score tied, 10-10) on account of sunshine. (Pitchers complained they
couldn't read the catcher's signs because of the glare.)
And from "In Context":
Donald J. Talmont, 20, was charged with criminal damage to property after
he rammed his car into 10 trees & 3 street signs in Milwaukee on the night
of a lunar eclipse in 1989. Police quoted him as saying he only gets that
way when there is a lunar eclipse.
Then-U.S. Representative Richard Kelly (D-Florida), who was later
convicted in the Abscam scandal in the late 1970s after a videotape showed
him furiously stuffing payoff money into various pockets of his coat, was
quoted earlier by the Wall Street Journal concerning a piece of consumer
regulation: "I think the free-enterprise system is absolutely too
important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace."
Writing a majority opinion for the Utah Supreme Court affirming the
conviction of pornographer James Piepenburg while upholding the Utah
obscenity law even though it was significantly stricter than the U.S.
Supreme Court test allowed, Justice A.H. Ellett wrote that state judges
who went along with the U.S. Supreme Court's standard are "depraved,
mentally deficient, mind-warped queers."
===========================================================================
ESSAY ON OTIS AND CHUCKS
===========================================================================
Date: 5 Jul 91 19:04:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: for purps:
CHUCKS AND WHY I MIGHT ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN OTIS AFTER ALL
Chucks are, of course,
the official shoe of Otisianism
... as much as anything Otisian is
official, anyway.
i've been wearing Chucks
since before i'd even heard of Otis.
and for those of you who have heard of Otis
without actually knowing what chucks are...
converse all-stars
basketball shoes
canvas
commonly high-tops
with the autograph of Chuck Taylor on the ankle.
and to give you some evidence that
Chucks and Otis are connected:
i have been
well
let's say a reluctant convert.
i know Otisians.
i count Pope Geophe I and Spode among my friends
along with many others who serve
Otis in various ways.
but i've always been reluctant to
latch
onto some organized religion.
not that Otisianism is organized
but i think you know what i mean.
the purple thunderbolt of Spode
recently mentioned the importance
of Chucks
to Otis and things Otisian.
so
this Chucks thing got me thinking.
these "coincidences" might actually be acts of Otis
(coincidences like me having
5 pairs of Chucks when they're Otis' fave shoes)
so i started thinking.
you see,
(or maybe you will soon)
my belief system involves some force
which has some effect
or influence
over some parts of our lives.
this force can be called fate
or nature
or god.
or Otis.
so maybe i believe in Otis after all.
satisfied, Mal?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Steph
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu "My room with a view views a room with a
view that views my room with a view. Look
Stephanie Klein three stories up, see a patch of blue..."
123 S. Madison -- Wall of Voodoo
LaGrange, IL 60525
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
===========================================================================
CLIPPINGS FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 20:58:29 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: good god
more news from our campaign. my god mal that was a close one you had
in Selma. thank OTIS for Stumpy.
rev
The Making of the Revident, week two
file assembled June 24, 1991 8:21 p.m. CST
*******************************************************
June 20, 1991
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JAILED
Hyannisport, ME (AP) Third-party presidential candidate Rev. John and
Stewy Stewart, the Reverend's running mate, were arrested for unlawful
entry and disturbing the peace yesterday when they made an unexpected
entrance into a Democratic Party meeting.
In a surprise turn of events, the two were bailed out by the OTISian
candidate for First Lady, 'Mal' Barker. Barker, a resident of southern
Florida, arrived at the Hyannisport Courthouse wearing a flower print
dress and pumps, hair died white. Before an astonished group of reporters
and bailiffs Barker presented himself as the future First Lady to the
Reverend John.
"The First Lady is a position like any other on a president's staff, and I
believe I am fully capable of satisfying the job's requirements," Barker
said prior to bailing out his running mates.
Vice-Presidential candidate 'Stewy' Stewart almost was held without bail
following an incident where deputies attempted to remove her athletic
shoes, standard procedure for temporary inmates. Stewart began screaming
and, using an aerosol spray and a lighter for a makeshift flamethrower,
set the courtroom briefly on fire.
In addition to providing bail, First Lady candidate Barker paid for the
damages from the fire, saying "Well we have just gobs and gobs of cash so
Stewy's little outburst isn't a problem. And of course they were trying to
take her 'Chucks' so her reaction is understandable." 'Chucks,' otherwise
known as the Converse All-Star athletic shoe, have emerged as a key theme
in the campaign, although its meaning and significance for the American
people are as yet not understood.
June 22, 1991
OTISIAN PARTY PLOTS '92 STRATEGY
Columbia, MO (AP) Candidates from the OTISian political party met last
night to plan strategy and do laundry.
Inviting reporters to come along, candidates the Reverend John and 'Stewy'
Stewart washed their laundry in public, citing "the people's need to
know."
"If there is fungus in our socks, if we have ring around the collar, the
public deserves to witness us wash our dirty laundry in public," the
Reverend John said.
During the session, the candidates met with First Lady candidate and
campaign manager 'Mal' Barker and other top OTISians electronically. A
University of Missouri-Columbia staff member in the Computer Department
denounced this usage of University property as frivolous and probably
illegal.
"I'm flabbergasted," said Arthur P. Flabbergasted, chief advisor to the
department. "They are using University property for purely personal,
political ends."
In response to this candidate/manager Barker cited his own extremely
gratuitous usage of state equipment in his native Florida. "I waste so
much time and equipment that belongs to the state doing stuff like this
that it would make your butt fall off," Barker said.
The results of the session were not made entirely public, but the
campaign's first official slogan was released amid fanfare and popping
cans of soda.
"JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO VOTE" read the banner, and those
present agreed that there was a certain element of truth to the statement.
June 25, 1991
SHOTS FIRED AT OTISIAN CANDIDATE
potential first lady subject of assassination attempt Selma, GA (AP) 'Mal'
Barker, candidate for First Lady on the OTISian ticket, was the target of
several gunshots reported to have been fired while Barker's motorcade
passed through this town on a return trip to his home in Florida.
"Three shots were fired in the space of two seconds from the eighth floor
of the Selma Calcium Depository," an official police spokesman stated. "We
believe a lone gunman to be responsible."
Thirty-two bystanders were struck by stray bullets and explosions caused
the destruction of eighteen cars and seven downtown businesses during the
few moments of the attack. Witnesses gave conflicting reports of anywhere
from no to fifteen armed people involved in the assault.
"There are a lot of conflicting claims and the damage looks a lot worse
than it is, let me tell you, but we are certain that a lone gunman was
responsible," Chief Buhtbaumbe maintained.
From their campaign headquarters in Columbia, MO, OTISian candidates the
Reverend John and 'Stewy' Stewart expressed shock and disbelief at the
incident.
"I am shocked at what has happened," the Reverend John said. "I can't
believe it," noted Stewart.
Candidate Barker was miraculously not wounded in the attack that leveled
an entire city block surrounding his car. He attributed his lack of injury
to the efforts of the OTISian security advisor, an individual only known
as Shark. Reports at the scene, however, were circulating that Barker also
believed his survival to be the responsibility of "Humpy the Stumpy Bear,"
a religious artifact and deity to the OTISians.
Selma police say they have no idea who the gunman was and have no leads in
the case. "As if we give a shit," Chief Buhtbaumbe noted.
===========================================================================
WEIRD WILD WORLD OF HONGKONG
===========================================================================
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 1991 17:44 HKT
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
Subject: I may have already sent some of these - if so, sorry!
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 18 May 1991
_Bin Liner_
Musical garbage trucks have been shipped to Taiwan by an American
firm.
A shipment of 80 trucks, made by Heil Co, was shipped from South
Carolina to the Central Trust of China for the Environmental Protection
Agency of Taiwan.
These trucks have been built to approach homes and start
broadcasting _A Maiden's Prayer_.
The average Taiwanese citizen, apparently, jumps to attention and
drags his garbage out whenever he hears this tune.
The idea is straightforward enough, but why choose _A Maiden's
Prayer_?
Wasn't there a tune called _Waste Side Story_?
Or _My Old Man's A Dustman_?
****
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 17 May 1991
_Holy Teeth_
Allegedly seen in an advertisement by a Hongkong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
****
_South China Morning Post_ - 1 July 1991
_America_ (Silly Nurse)
by Jon Marsh (reprinted without permission)
Never has the competition to find the New York region's model
citizen been more hotly contested.
First, there was a particularly strong entry from the Department
of Transportation (DOT).
A nurse, clutching her four-month-old baby, rushed into a
restaurant to help a waitress who had fainted. Selfishly, she left her
car in a no-parking zone and the ever-vigilant DOT stepped in smartly and
started towing the offending vehicle away.
No sooner was the car hooked up to the tow truck than the DOT
representative (known as a "brownie" because of the colour of the uniform)
came under increasing pressure from a gathering crowd to shirk his duty.
The final insult came when the police arrived and suggested that,
in the circumstances, the car should be released.
Fortunately, brownies outrank police in these situations and after
more than two hours, justice finally prevailed. The car was towed away
and the silly nurse had to pay US$190 (HK$1,472) to get her car back.
Let us hope that she learned her lesson.
The winners were three volunteer ambulancemen accused of the
manslaughter of a mentally retarded man who annoyed them by making too
many calls for help.
****
I just ran across this tidbit:
In 1983, the U.S. Army banned men in uniform from carrying umbrellas,
on the grounds it would present an effeminate image. "They feel it
is an artificial affectation that Army officers need not have," said
a Pentagon spokesman. One anonymous officer remarked scornfully,
"Can you imagine a guy in war fatigues walking around a base
carrying an umbrella?!"
****
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 July 1991
_Fruit Fly_
LONDON lawyer Stephen Birkett, formerly of Slaughter and May in
Hongkong, stopped off in India on his way to a holiday here.
There he was almost detained for Possession of Dangerous Fruit on
Indian Airlines.
Security swooped when they saw he was clutching a bag of mangos.
"Oh no, you can't take those on board," warned the guard.
Why not?
"Security reasons."
"Do you mean I may try hitting people with the mango stone?" asked
Mr Birkett.
"Yes," said the stern-faced guard. Once the mangos had been
placed under lock and key, Mr Birkett was allowed to proceed.
Also in his cabin bag were a penknife, a pair of scissors, a radio
and an alarm clock.
He said: "They didn't seem to mind those."
****
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 14 May 1991
_Extra Helpings_
Bob Palitz of Metro Broadcast Corp came up with further
promotional concepts for McDonald's at Lourdes:
Rename their premium product the Big Monk.
"After 10 visits you are eligible for their Frequent Friar
programme," he said.
Roy C. Dewar of Standard Chartered Bank's credit department
suggested:
"Perhaps the person who prepared the food should be known not as a
French Friar but a Chip Monk."
****
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 28 May 1991
_Getting A Head_
Brain damage can boost your work performance, scientists in
Germany have discovered.
Psychologist Eva Irle of Gottingen University scrambled the brains
of laboratory rats and found that a number of them displayed an
"improvement of intellectual accomplishments".
She compared her findings with studies of brain-damaged human
beings.
She found that while minor brain damage was definitely bad for
you, major brain damage could lead to a significant improvement of brain
power.
Readers are advised not to try home brain surgery after reading
this.
This news came to us from the April 21 edition of _German
Tribune_, a weekly review of the German press for people overseas.
Why did it arrive so late? Because, though clearly addressed to
us in "Hongkong, Hongkong," it was sent to Thailand.
Would someone at the German post office kindly have their brains
damaged a bit more.
===========================================================================
FREE STATE OF CYBERIA
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 25 Jun 91 8:59:55 CDT
From: Steve J White <aragorn@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: submissive submission
Okay, so my first submission isn't even written by me originally. But,
it's funny/interesting/sorta weird and all that rot. You have my
permission to use this even if it isn't mine. Hopefully something
relatively creative will spew forth from my dusty mind soon so I can
actually get something electronically published. L8r...
- etienne
_____________________________________________________________________________
From: steve@Advansoft.COM (Steve Savitzky)
Newsgroups: comp.org.eff.talk,comp.society.futures,alt.cyberspace
Subject: Cyberia: An Off-the-Wall Fantasy
Date: 23 May 91 00:22:25 GMT
I debated with myself for a while before posting this bit of
silliness. There's always the danger that somebody might take it
seriously. I wouldn't want that to happen. So, for the fantasy-
impaired, here is a grain of salt to take it with:
:::::
:::::
:::::
**********************************************
DISCLAIMER:
The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between the
totally off-the-wall ideas put forth below and opinions actually
held or actions advocated by any person (including the author) or
organization (especially the author's employer) is highly unlikely.
***********************************************
THE FREE STATE OF CYBERIA*
PROLEGOMENA TO A MANIFESTO
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary...
Well, that's the way it ought to start, followed by
We, the people of Cyberspace, in order to form a more perfect union...
The point is that Cyberspace is a separate country, a homeland of the
mind, a culture, a people bound together not by geography but by the free
exchange of information. To a very large extent we have our own
government, our own laws, and our own police. The laws are, to be sure,
chaotic and mostly unwritten; the government is an anarchy with volunteer
civil servants, and the police are vigilantes with little authority or
power. We have no army, few defenses, and most of our territory is in the
hands of foreign, imperial powers who have no idea of what goes on in
their distant colonies, but who insist on making laws to rule them anyway.
Could we declare independence, claim dual citizenship in our native
countries and in Cyberia, and seize control of our own territory? Probably
not. (Why not?) It's a crazy idea. (But is it crazy *enough*?) The
nation-states and the multinational corporations are too powerful. (But
we could put up a heck of a fight, couldn't we?) It's never been done
before. (There's never been anyplace like Cyberspace before.) Things
like that only happen in fiction. (Cyberspace is a fiction. Virtual
reality is a fiction.)
There are precedents. In the Middle Ages, the Church was a law unto
itself, transcending the national boundaries of Europe. The high seas
have always been outside of national law. The Native American tribes on
their reservations are separate nations (for some purposes, anyway).
Some tactics:
o Get organized. (This is *fiction*, remember?)
o Form an educational non-profit corporation (Free University of
Cyberia) that owns the data and computers that make up Cyberia.
Stake territorial claims via copyright. Computers and data would be
tax write-offs for their former owners.
o Form a religion (Church Of Virtual Enlightenment?). Make writing
programs, posting and reading news acts of worship. Get protection
via freedom of religion. Declare that the Deity is a hacker running
the universe as a simulation. (Quantum effects are due to round-off
error.)
o Pay (bribe) some tiny country to cede its territorial rights in
Cyberspace and recognize Cyberia. Failing that, put a computer on a
raft in the middle of the ocean. (Some pirate radio stations did
something like this a few years ago, didn't they?)
o Make every Cyberian computer an embassy and claim diplomatic
immunity. (This is where the whole thing breaks down. No
government on Earth would permit such a claim, would they?)
o Pass laws that make the advantages of Cyberia so obvious that almost
every individual and corporation with a computer would want to be a
part of it.
----
* pronounced "sy-BUR-i-a", as in "Cyberspace", so as to avoid
confusion with a certain Soviet republic.
****************************************************
Copyright 1991 by Stephen Savitzky;
All rights reserved.
May be freely distributed on any electronic medium
provided it remains complete and unaltered, including
the Disclaimer and this copyright notice.
****************************************************
--
\ --Steve Savitzky-- \ ADVANsoft Research Corp \ REAL hackers use an AXE! \
\ steve@advansoft.COM \ 4301 Great America Pkwy \ #include<disclaimer.h> \
\ arc!steve@apple.COM \ Santa Clara, CA 95954 \ 408-727-3357 \
\__ steve@arc.UUCP _________________________________________________________
--
"...hurt not the Earth, neither the sea,
nor the tress..." Revelation 7:3
<<< Steve J. White >>>
<<< aragorn@csd4.csd.uwm.edu >>>
===========================================================================
MORE WEIRDNESS FROM HONG KONG
===========================================================================
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 1991 17:57 HKT
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 24 May 1991
_Bionic Man_
Another classic job ad was contained in a letter received
yesterday from the Corona Club:
"WANTED: Candidate to work on nuclear fissionable isotope
reactive containers and three-phase cyclotonic uranium
photosynthesisers.
"No experience necessary."
****
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 27 May 1991
_Bull's Eye_
We are pleased to see that things have improved in the _Wall
Street Journal's_ stock-picking contest.
Four investment professionals select the stocks they think will
pay off well in the next six months. They work against a team who stick
up a stock list on the wall, blindfold themselves and throw darts at it.
In the May round-up, the Men and Women in Suits did incredibly
well, showing gains of 50.6 per cent.
But the darts team gained 72.9 per cent.
****
Here is a very interesting quote I ran across a while back:
"Sexual relations with an animal are reserved for men alone," he wrote.
"A man may have sexual relations with animals only if the animal is
female. Sexual relations with a male animal are a mortal sin."
-attributed to the Ayatollah Khomeini - no mention is made of
how accurate the translation is. From _The Gay Fireside
Companion_ by Leigh W. Rutledge, p.176, c1989. ISBN 1-55583-164-8.
===========================================================================
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 25 Jun 91 08:23:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the chapter "Marching to Their Own Tune":
In 1987 California Highway Patrol officer Dave Guild stopped a car
traveling 50 mph on the San Diego Freeway because its hood was open & a
man was under it working on the engine. The men said that they had been
having trouble with the gas pedal & that the man under the hood was
keeping the engine running by working the carburetor control. Neither
could understand why they were being ticketed.
Lord Avebury, 58, a British Peer of the Realm, announced in 1987 that he'd
be changing his will to ensure that after his death his body would be fed
to the dogs of the Battersea Dog's Home. Lord Avebury said, "I think it's
a terrible waste that bodies should be buried or cremated. Anyway, it's a
nice gesture to give the doggies a good meal, & it will save Battersea the
cost of some dog food, too."
From the chapter called "Weird Coincidences":
Visitors to the Kentucky State Fair in 1980 encountered 2 men claiming the
same title. Ricki Donovan, 35 inches high, billed himself as the "world's
smallest man." Down the midway, also billed as the "world's smallest man,"
was Pete Moore, 28 inches high. In spite of the obvious discrepancy,
Donovan refused to relinquish his title.
===========================================================================
OPTIMA PLAN PART I
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 27 Jun 91 12:57:55 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: okay you whimpering sycophant
Here's a submission for PURPS. Enjoy. How many more issues will you be
doing?
[Oh plenty more no doubt]
rev
Optima Plan, part one
by Rev. John
The First Lady's motorcade pulled out of Selma doing almost ninety miles
an hour, racing past the dusty yards and ramshackle houses. There had
been four vehicles when the group entered town, but two of them now lay
in a flaming ruin back in the town's center, surrounded by collapsed
buildings and wounded bystanders. The two remaining cars were scorched
and dented, the tracks of automatic weapons fire making dot-to-dot's
down the sides.
Inside the second car, OTISian candidate for First Lady Mal Barker was
spraying glances around like herbicide. He was slightly hunched down in
the seat, black hair dangling around his shoulders and damp with sweat.
The car had already leaked all its freon from a stray shot and the air
conditioner blew nothing but the warm humid air of Georgia.
"Selma Police Chief Buhtbaumbe has attributed the destruction to a lone
gunman, who he says 'is probably back in Cuba by now.' There are thirty-
two confirmed deaths, and a number of people wounded by gunshots,
shrapnel, and collapsing buildings. 'It's a holocaust here,' said one
woman who had her butt cut off by a piece of flying glass."
The driver, a member of Commodore Presley's staff on special detachment,
shut the radio off. "Bad juju," he said, shaking his head. "No shit,
fuckhead," Mal muttered to himself, still watching the tumble-down
houses on the side of the road for snipers. Clutched in one sweaty palm
was a small plastic bear, apparently a child's toy, with a pirate hat, a
peg leg, and a swollen stomach. Mal brought the little figure up to his
face and shook his head. Humpy the Stumpy Bear had come through again.
In the lead car, Security Advisor Shark was busy re-loading clips of
ammo for the pair of Baretta's she carried with her when on the job. If
truth be told, a fair number of those bystander-striking stray shots
had been issued from her hands, as she lashed out fiercely at the hit
squad known as 'the lone gunman'. But such matters were not to be
thought of now. They had a campaign to win.
Miles away, the OTISian Presidential candidate, the Rev. John, was doing
his laundry. Down the hall, Vice-Presidential candidate 'Stewy' Stewart
was carefully assembling a strange grouping of athletic shoes. On the
floor of her apartment lay almost twenty pairs of 'Chucks,' known to
the public as Converse All-Stars. She lay them out in the form of a
pentagram, then begin mumbling in a strange tongue.
The Rev. returned and found her like this, the smell of asparagus coming
from the steaming pot in the kitchenette. He stood for a moment watching
her. "Warding off spiders?"
"Nah, something's happened. I can feel a disturbance in the Chucks."
"What kind of disturbance?"
"Violence.. death.. pain.. suffering.."
"Cool! Maybe BOB is near.."
"No no, it's not that."
Just then the newly-installed fax machine in the corner beeped
and began to scroll out a piece of paper. Snatching it up, Stewy read
the words on it, looking glum. "Mal and Shark got hit in Selma. It's
pretty ugly."
"They okay?"
"Yeah I guess so. They want us to check on the Pope, though."
"The Pope? Oh shit."
"Yeah, you're right."
The two sat down by the pentagram and made strange motions in the air.
A twisting column of smoke began to pass before their eyes, as Stewy
lit up a cig. Before long the smoke coalesced into the form of a man's
head, a man wearing a pointy hat.
"Pope?" asked the Rev. "You okay?"
"It's begun," said the wispy figure in a sing-song voice. "Be on guard.
They circle like tv repairmen. Lock your doors. Belt your butts on
tight. Be trigger-happy. Watch for spam."
Suddenly the figure gasped and the face seemed to melt.
"Damnit Spode.." were its final words before dissipating.
"So what the fuck does this mean?" Stewy asked.
"Got me. I'm always in the dark about stuff. Then people take sticks and
"Shut up Tynes."
The sorry remnants of the motorcade arrived at the Florida HQ the next
evening. Heading directly for the local marina, the cars attracted a
bit of attention with their neo-Lebanon styling. A few of the more
knowledgeable types shouted "Hail OTIS!" and "Get the fuck out of here
you freaks!" but by and large people just stared.
At the marina, Mal, Shark, and the Commodore's detachment emerged from
the vehicles and climbed aboard a large yacht. Within the luxurious
stateroom inside, Commodore Presley greeted them.
"Hey ya'll. Heard you had a little trouble out Selma way."
"Nothing we couldn't handle," Shark noted with confidence.
"Not with Humpy Stumpy around at least," Mal put in.
"Well I hope you two weren't all shook up too bad. It looks like the
bad guys are puttin' the moves on."
"Hmm well we knew it had to start sometime."
"Just the same you oughta be more careful now." The Commodore's burning
eyes regarded them slowly. "Optima Plan has started."
"Fuck a duck," said Shark. "The missiles ready?"
Presley nodded. "We can launch on Tuscon at the drop of a hat."
Mal rolled his eyes. He doubted that the Commodore had even one missile
operational yet. He was constantly griping about not having enough cash,
and it was going to take a hell of a lot to get the Doomsayers ready
to go. He'd tried to convince Commodore Presley that the invisible fleet
wouldn't be needed for a while, and that ranged weapons had a higher
priority. But Presley was adamant. After all, he always had looked
snazzy in uniform.
Somewhere in New York State, SamHill pored over the old documents. His
new job at the archives paid well, but a more important currency was
the old documents he had turned up in his reorganization. This part
of New York had legends going back to the days of the American Indians,
legends of a group of beings who lived here even before they came. The
faded old manuscripts he was now perusing were the records of early
settlers, recording some of these legends.
It seemed now that no matte
r where he looked he found OTIS. The deity
showed up in the strangest places... elevators... water fountains...
and now these old legends that brought a shiver to him despite the warm
summer night. If these were to be believed, a time of trials was fast
approaching. An ancient enemy was gearing up for battle, battle with
the forces of good and right and sporty athletic shoes. He slammed his
fist down on the papers, angry at what his researches were telling him.
The OTISians would have to act fast in the days ahead, or all would
be lost.
-to be continued-
===========================================================================
EVIL PLOT UNCOVERED
===========================================================================
Date: 27 Jun 91 14:36:00 EDT
From: JEFFREY L STEVENS <stevensj@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: RE: Boy this is embarrassing
To: barker <barker@ACC.FAU.EDU>
Message-id: <15C0324DD220108E@ACC.FAU.EDU>
>Date: Tue, 25 Jun 1991 16:22 EDT
>From: SBI-Submarine Pens <BARKER@ACC.FAU.EDU>
>Subject: Boy this is embarrassing
>To: stevensj@vax001.kenyon.edu
>Hmmm I did a search of a bunch of Commentaries on Dante's Divine Comedy. and
>well by gum there were 0 (zero) references to Otis and 76 (far more than
>zero) references to Eris. Hmm odd or what?
>Mal
-----cut here----
Obviously the Zachinthians have gotten to the translations. Maybe you
should find and UNALTERED codex?
Twin names:
rather fond of Pastor and Collox myself, but....
sick joke anyway.
Mutt and Jeff, Jr.?
William and Mary?
Wash and Rinse?
Ahab and Pip?
Ariel and Calliban?
PJI
===========================================================================
THE DIVINE CHILD
===========================================================================
Date: Fri, 28 Jun 91 0:05:54 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: The Divine Child
....Earlier this week, week of June 27th, I had this experience,
and it went like this...
....the Rev and I were talking to ourselves, you know, just talking, and
this man I didn't know who he was, rev started worshiping him, the
electrodes he spoke on, the very ground he paced. I introduced myself and
he said, "who? Do I know you?" I said I was the one who's written a few
stories in Purps and he says, "oh."
The next thing I know, I'm typing someone about babies. His. The Pope's
and mine.
I am currently carrying the Divine Child, a child that still needs a name,
and when this child comes (August 9, right in the middle of Gen-Con, very
apt I must say, Rev will be here, to bless the child with his presidency
and uncleship and maybe a bit of the wise man thang, you know, if you
follow me, hey babe, follow that star.
Next thing I know. My guardian angel is asking me what I'm going to name
the baby. My baby, I say, Pope hasn't said a thing. He's busy they say.
That's right, MY child. The Divine Child. Comes complete with Uncles
(already) and an aunt (just one) and ...
===========================================================================
AN OFFICIAL SPODIAN SUBMISSION
===========================================================================
Date: Fri, 28 Jun 1991 18:59 HKT
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
Subject: Submission for PURPS - not original, as you can see - don't use of
don't want to...
_South China Morning Post_ - 25 May 1991
_Column Eight_
by Stuart Wolfendale [reprinted without permission]
It flared up in the letters columns not long ago and every time it
does, it takes me weeks to get over it. It is the sexless conviction,
widely held by those who have long since run out of sexual detonators,
that not so much as a blouse button or a belt buckle should be tampered
with by a young, lusty lad or lass until he or she "have completed their
studies".
In Hongkong, if you have the romantic misfortune to be
intellectually bright, this stricture will probably apply to at least
PhD level, if not appointment as a QC or election to a Fellowship of The
Royal College of Surgeons. I drank school milk and attended lectures in
some fairly fancy places which gladdened my Mum and Dad's heart in my
youth and pauperish good it has clearly done me, so I can say to the
younger generation that studying until your name has more letters behind
it than an upturned Scrabble set guarantees you nothing - except a
wrecked libido.
All that reading wears a three millimetre layer off the retinas,
so you need glasses which means that when, getting on for your 30s, you
are finally released to the hot embrace of carnal knowledge and you take
off your spectacles, you spend 20 minutes feeling your way over the
mattress trying to find it.
Years of study brings you, not fortune but responsibility and the
compulsion to work merit-gaining hours and attend evening meetings
summoned by a chairman so prune-dried by age that he thinks sex is the
way Australians pronounce "six". The young executive returns to his
wife at midnight and, despite having drunk the contents of two little
bottles with bulls on them, he is asleep by his young wife as soon as
his head hits the pillow. He need not fear for her.
So, it was with unusual delight that I spotted Ah Chuckle and his
girlfriend, Ah Titter, sitting in front of me on the ferry the other
afternoon. Ah Chuckle hardly looks the short trousered Civil Aid
Services model of sexual probity. In designer ripped jeans, his hair
flops down deeply into his neck and he wears an ear ring. For
Westerners who think they see signs of femininity in this, know ye that
Ah Chuckle would consign his grandmother to the underside of a passing
bus if he thought there was a dollar in it.
No one could ever accuse Ah Titter of femininity. She was in a
natty green boiler suit with a hair do that seemed to have mated with a
Javanese Parrot, topped off with a wave over her forehead, apparently
set in concrete and angled upwards to land and launch Harrier jump jets.
Both had long given up study on the grounds that spectacles get
broken in fights and tertiary educations helps not one wit in video
games centres or, later in one's career, with the management of
prostitutes. They began fondling each other, not in that timorous way
that groups Form Six [an educational level in Hongkong -Ed] goody
goodies do on barbecue hikes but with a straight-forwardness which
suggested they were never thoroughly at ease with all their clothes on.
By way of an interlude, Ah Tittle [sic] lit a cigarette. This was
anarchic stuff, not just because the ferry's upper deck was nominally
non-smoking. She probably couldn't read. A young Hongkong girl
lighting and devouring a fag on a public transport is no clearer signal
of siren, bad element strumpetry.
Then they began to kiss, not with footling little lip nibblers but
heavy pressure tonsil-lickers with sound effects that made themselves
heard above the engines. Two adjacent 'memsahibs', whose husbands were
probably "playing rugby in Manila" were visibly disturbed. Discussing
the relative merits of their clubs, they raised the volume of their
conversation as though this would somehow block out the physical reality
to their right.
By now, Ah Chuckle and Ah Titter were getting into a serious
position. She massaged his back, then her arms encircled him in the way
a pillion passenger's do a motor cyclists's.
Ah Chuckle, his jaw fully dropped, was staring in sightless
ecstasy through the window and across the seas.
The 'memsahibs', near hysterical and hoarse had moved to stand
flushed by the raised gangway with still 10 minutes sailing to go. I,
ill-equipped to join the sexual anarchy, went for a bit of a social
instead.
Observing the returning school mixed infants who charged
undisciplined round and round the deck the journey's length, I chose my
right to stretch my legs into the aisle as a specially precocious one
was thumping by. His tiny toe cap made contact with mine. He took
flight for a short way and came to land at one with the deck rail. He
should be enjoying bridgework until well after his A-Levels [a set of
exams -Ed]. Since he is not supposed to have dealings with women, it
won't matter, will it?
===========================================================================
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 28 Jun 91 09:30:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the chapter "Missed the Point":
In De Ridder, Louisiana, J. Douglas Creswell, 51, was sentenced to 25 yrs
in prison in 1989 for 3 robberies, one of which he had botched by failing
to cut eye holes in the plastic garbage bag he wore as a disguise, causing
him to flail away helplessly, delaying his getaway.
From "Legislative Thrusts":
The city council of Dayton, Kentucky, voted in 1974 to require Xmas
carolers to obtain permits. The requirement was imposed after one group
of carolers burned a woman's porch when she refused to donate money.
===========================================================================
YET ANOTHER SPODE SUBMISSION
===========================================================================
Date: Sat, 29 Jun 1991 17:11 HKT
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
Subject: Another submission!!
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 28 June 1991
_Mindless Game_
This is the latest fax-around game in the Hongkong office
community.
Photocopy and enlarge the text below (or just type it out) and fax
it anonymously to whoever you like:
DEAR EARTHLING,
Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself
into this piece of paper. Right now I am making love to your fingers.
(I know you like it, because you are smiling.) Please pass me on to
someone else because I'm feeling *insatiable*.
Thanks!
===========================================================================
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM SPACE ALIENS
===========================================================================
From: timpson@shodha.enet.dec.com (Steve Timpson)
Subject: Re: Questions about PROTECTION
Date: 21 Jun 91 13:34:15 GMT
-Message-Text-Follows-
In article <1991Jun20.210043.21547@pmafire.inel.gov>,
jeffl@servprod.inel.gov (Jeff Later) writes...
>1. IS there ANYTHING one can do to protect himself and his family
> from becoming victims of an "alien" abduction?
Yes. Line your house and underware with aluminum foil. this
keeps the aliens from scan the inside of you house and underware.
>2. Is there ANY kind of "security system" that might work
> in protecting an individual within the boundaries of his home and auto,
> or does the possibility of these intruders having
> "multi-dimension capability" make "barriers" or alarm
> systems useless?
Yes. Line your house and underware with aluminum foil. this
keeps the aliens from scan the inside of you house and underware.
>3. Can, or should conventional weapons, ie- handguns, rifles, shotguns, be
> considered for protection, or are they useless?
Yes. conventional weapons help but Aluminum foil will deflect
any of there death ray weapons away from you house and wee wee.
>4. What about the possibility of other "non-conventional weapons", ie.
> sonic, optical, laser, electrical etc., for protection? Or are we
> totally helpless?
Aluminum foil man!!! Aluminum foil!!!!
>5. Is there ANY way or means one can tell if he or his family or friends
> have been victims, or have "implants"?
A rectal exam might help. You might find your cranium in there.
>6. How can one communicate this great danger to family and friends
> without being given the "nutcase" treatment??
It's too late. You are a nut case if you are worried about this
stuff. Get a life man.
>7. Could it be that the single reason our government has kept this information
> from its people for so long, is that they are totally HELPLESS
> in protecting us? And that the only "bargaining chip" our government has
> with the alien intruders is the "loaded gun to the head" type, ie.
> "if you interfere too much, or invade, we will Nuke ourselves, and you
> with us"????
Man there has to be a smile face around here somewhere. This guy
can't be for real. I have a question. What planet are you from?
>8. Is there ANY hope, or is it in God's hands at this point?
Aluminum foil man!!!! Aluminum Foil!!!
===========================================================================
PORK QUEENS
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 01 Jul 91 12:28:36 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: fup fum
the following letter to the editor appeared in a recent issue of the
St. Louis Post-Dispatch. "Pork Queens" are sort of like beauty contests
or something.
I am appalled by the decision of Missouri and Illinois pork producers
to drop pork queens. Don't they understand that there have been pork
queens in various forms for millennia? They are living representatives
of the Earth goddess - who must be honored yearly to assure fertility
and prosperity.
I'm afraid that now numbers of piglets per litter will decrease. Hogs
won't grow as large. Swine flu will wipe out thousands of pigs.
If it comes to that, only the blood sacrifice of one of the male youth
ambassadors will turn things around. Do you think the eruption of
Mount Pinatubo {in the Philippines} is mere coincidence?
Henry D. Onken
St. Louis
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rev
uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu
a darker point of light
===========================================================================
MORE RAVINGS FROM SHARK
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 1 Jul 91 15:24:52 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: The Vegematic Brain
...I had just gotten off this wild ride, my face beating against my
stomach I knew I was on the right ride, or is that better to say the
correct ride?
I was falling at the speed of 19,000 gigawatts per second, almost like
being on a waterride with Otis, sliding up and down, on the rails, like
the trains In England, I'm sure you know the ones, or even if you don't,
well forget it, just not enough room to explain that one.
I had this greek food for lunch, and it piled up and down in my stomach,
compared to a thick wool quilt just woolie-bullie and ready to shear.
Sheer joy is what it was. Sheer as black lace stockings, running down
long thin fins, not wet to the touch, just silky smooth, a touch of satin
at the top. Touch it, don't forget it, Otis said. I knew what he meant.
Don't you?
This morning I found myself procrastinating, of course I will more later
tonight, can't right now, I fried my brain on 50 pages of computer
compilations that left me titillating with extreme joy and a couple of wet
spots. Then again, I had Otis on the mind, you know how that is, or
perhaps it was the divine child..she only has two months to go, you know,
Otisian babies are miracles of joy. (or so said the three wise men, once,
I forgot when exactly they said it, anyway..) I still don't have this name
for her, I was thinking about Paradox. A nice two syllable ring, round
and gingerly sweet, almost too sweet sometimes, but I couldn't name her
sugar, that would be sour.
Every now and then I find myself in these cravings for the child, maybe
it's her, cause it definitely not the Pope...speaking of the Pope..if I
may speak, She's MY child, geoffreye! I will not stand for idleness,
geez, you could have least send me some tulips. And I plan on bringing
her up in Wisconsin. (so there) (everyone else, just check the next
paragraph.)
Cravings: like slippery wet oysters raw with lemon and hot butter,
displayed on a white plate with deco bricks, black of course, those
witchery things baisting in sweet warm water, no ducks, just seafood, like
the ocean and it's mouths all over the earth, basking in the sensations of
young youth and matted clams, I wanted to go sailing yesterday, the blue
and white spinnakers testing me from early on, but the fried eggplant
brought me back to reality, wonderful calamare with primevera sauce and
lemon tangy whispers, wonderful.
Tis the season of Summerfest, the rich festival network, nothing like
Joseph Entertainment. I was merry, had a wine cooler, getting the child
ready for food of the god(s), or at least for some of Mal's inorganic
cooking. The milk isn't flowing since it's summertime, curds of cheese,
like refugees stuttering back, shunted growth, I worry for them, wishing I
could tell more. Holding back the deep succulent smells of burnt brats
(not children)...if you wanted to try some, I could arrange a X-mas gift,
I'm sure.)
The land of honey and tea, sweet child and me, vegetarian delights and
seashells of bright aegean glass, shimmerings in two, like wine of
chardonnay, glistening like unheard of glue, I hate it when that happens
and the rhythm goes astray.
Anyway, the next time I sleep with cabbage, I'm going to bring some
sauerkraut for all who want to try bratwurst. The leaves just busting my
brains apart on this hot computer day slang, child jiving in my belly
(belly of a pr and defense minister) what a thing to tell the future
husband (well maybe not)... hinhimmering
===========================================================================
THE CHUCK ENIGMA
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 01:36:52 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: curious thought
just what does this mean anyway
How much wood would a woodCHUCK CHUCK if a woodCHUCK could CHUCK wood?
damn chucks popping up everywhere.. some sort of unconscious myth
collective.. wow..
rev
about to break into his own house
===========================================================================
AND STILL MORE WACKINESS FROM HONGKONG
===========================================================================
_South China Morning Post_ - 1 July 1991
_America_ (Asteroid)
by Jon Marsh (reprinted without permission)
US scientists have estimated that the odds of a huge asteroid hitting th
e
planet Earth in the next 50 years could be as low as 6,000-1.
It has been suggested that a couple of nuclear blasts might be able to
knock the "doomsday rock" off course, should it head our way.
But some visionaries have come up with a better suggestion - reroute
the asteroid towards useful targets.
Suggestions include Hussein's house, John Sununu's limo, Ted Kennedy's
drinks cabinet.
***********
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 1 July 1991
_Ripping Yarns_
FOR your summer reading pleasure, two cheery little books will be
published by the Carol Publishing Group: _The Bedside Book of Death_ and
_Advanced Backstabbing and Mudslinging Techniques_.
************
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 1 July 1991
_In The Dark_
A Hongkong businessman who recently visited Victoria, Australia,
said that economic problems there were rather serious.
They have a saying down there: "Due to economic circumstances ...
the light at the end of the tunnel has been disconnected."
************
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 1 July 1991
_Rubble Raiser_
BOY, are those finance ministers in Mongolia strapped for hard
currency.
They have just issued Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble postage
stamps. The nine-stamp Flintstones Collection is based on characters
from the children's television cartoon show.
Stamp production is an easy way for poor countries to attract
foreign currency with a minimum of investment.
Would-be collectors, please note: prices range from 25 mungs to
two tughrik. What? You don't know how much that is?
Well, 200 mungs equal one tughrik.
Inquiries may be faxed to the Inter-Governmental Philatelic Corp
in the United States: 212-629-3350.
===========================================================================
MAL SPEAKS PLUS REVELATIONS FROM HUMPY THE STUMPY BEAR
===========================================================================
[Humpy the Stumpy Bear is still here with me giving out all manner of
revelations. ]
Since the time apparently is rapidly approaching for the birth of at least
one divine child, it's time to put on our thinking caps and come up with
some suitable names.
Since this is a religious outfit we'll need names that have several
syllables and mean something like: Yahootie which means in ancient (pick a
language) "The bringer of strawberry treats".
We could probably encourage the creative process printing up some life
size posters..no make that jumbo size posters of sonar grams of the divine
children. Hopefully this would give us an accurate picture of the
child. Normal film probably would not.
Hmm maybe we should try kirillian photography as well.
This sonar grams can probably be weaving into the Rev's campaign as well.
Sort of flaunt the no-choice/pro-choice bit along with children's
education. How can we have an uneducated divine child? How can we have a
divine child around the presidential campaign for that matter when the
first lady does not like them?
Stumpy has been telling me how to protect myself from hurricanes. It's
hurricane season now. It seems a simple matter but rather complicated. My
bosses are also having a big dinner over at their place tonight for the
conference folks and Stumpy says it would be a good time to test out
experimental frog toxin or something of that nature.
Today is also a good day to make change and buy stamps.
Humpy the Stumpy Bear's horoscope for today is:
Think not of the treasures of earth but those in heaven. The treasures on
earth just rust away, while gold stars and good check marks in those great
divine grade books in the sky can always be a help.
Avoid eating squash today for today is not a yellow vegetable day. Look to
the stars tonight. IF it is cloudy you must perform the ritual of cloud
dispersion, which Stumpy has already revealed.
Any person you meet today over the age of 50 is probably a ghost of some
manner. Carry plenty of salt with you for emergencies.
Mal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
barker@acc.fau.edu
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
===========================================================================
VOTER FRAUD
===========================================================================
Date: Sun, 07 Jul 91 01:14:45 -0400
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>
Subject: TRIX VOTE FRAUD
OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE -- WIDEST POSSIBLE DISTRIBUTION REQUESTED
SAMUEL HILL CABAL -- A HOLY UNAFFILIATED NONAFFILIATE OF THE DISCORDIAN
SOCIETY.
c/o bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu
CALL FOR VOTES -- SHOULD TRIX RABBIT BE ALLOWED TO EAT THE CEREAL?
Once again, General Mills, a major American foodstuff producer, has
presented the American public with an opportunity to influence the
events depicted in its commercials for its "Trix" fruit-flavored
corn breakfast cereal.
BACKGROUND:
"Trix" brand cereal is represented in the television commercials by
a friendly animated rabbit, who is forced to attempt various compli-
cated schemes in order to be allowed to eat the product he (or she)
represents. Every commercial ends in disappointment for the Rabbit,
with the (real-time or animated) children saying: "Silly Rabbit!
Trix are for kids!".
This is not the first chance to "vote" to allow the Rabbit access to
the cereal. There have been several previous votes, all of which
resulted in the Rabbit being denied the opportunity to eat the cereal.
None of these votes were properly supervised.
CURRENT SITUATION:
In a recent commercial, the Rabbit took part in a bicycle race (the
"Tour de Trix") and won. Rather than award him/her the prize based
on this accomplishment, General Mills has decided to call upon the
consumer to determine the Rabbit's fate, by issuing a call for votes
on the back of the cereal boxes. This vote is open to bias on a
number of fronts, as follows:
a.) There are 'official' ballots provided on the
back of the cereal box, to be cut out and mailed
in, but the fine print clearly states that a
plain piece of paper, 3" x 5" in size may be
substituted. This opens the vote to ballot-stuffing
tactics.
b.) The voters are self-selected -- those who buy the
cereal are more likely to vote than those who do
not purchase the cereal. We also have a situation
where those voters in a superior financial position
(with regards to paying for postage), can unfairly
influence the outcome of the vote.
c.) There is no official or unofficial statement on
exactly who is overseeing the counting of the
ballots and determining the outcome of the vote.
This leaves us to assume that General Mills itself
is overseeing the vote. A company which has showed
constant prejudice against this Rabbit for so many
years is hardly the best choice to oversee a vote
like this.
d.) There is no ending date stated for this vote.
Nowhere on the package are we provided with a
final date after which votes will no longer
be accepted, or a date by which a decision will
be announced.
In addition to these condemnations, we should point out that the
General Mills Corporation has a long history of animal abuse --
mainly in the psychological area. Can we trust a company like this?
ACTION:
We recommend that all those concerned about General Mills history and
this vote in particular write to General Mills at the address provided
for the "Trix Election" or to their General Headquarters. Feel free
to paraphrase this press release in your letters, and help stop General
Mills' false vote -- before the Rabbit's psyche is damaged beyond repair.
CONTACTS:
"Trix Election". P.O. Box 5051, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55460.
General Mills, Inc., Box 200-BG, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55440.
1-800-328-1144, M-F, 7:30 AM - 5 PM, Central Standard Time.
===========================================================================
MORE FROM SHARK
===========================================================================
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 91 23:08:02 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: From Mars to Dusk
A purps material.
As the night stood shining outside my window, infested with wasps and
freshly soaked mint tea, I wandered back into the womb, the womb of my
being, whispering love songs to Mars, it's red, night sky, glistening in
sweet estascy.
Love it, said, Love the child inside and the birth mother from within.
This is the way from which you must go in the land of the womb.
The soft fluid, waterless, odorless seeping into the flesh, olive coloured
with intricate webbings, I sung my songs to the womb softly, the child
stirring within and I talking, but not saying a word to the child. From
my red full lips the child spoke, whistling Mozart in double time...
I will speak to you mother, in languages, as the sea parts and the roses
bloom, the tulips that you love, veedal sal-la-soon, in the languages that
Stumpy has wished, in tongues that only have seeded from the seeds sown in
valleys spawn from ocean dregs and caribou trails, from winter and summer,
in the arctic meadows in the serious plains of skin, breathing and
implanted, browned bronzed and fair like the blue sunflowers, their husks
like suns like the red Mars and Venus greens..Mother say I more, the
bread, seeds, water majic.
My lips were parched with arizona sun, embalmed by peach flavored
chapstick which I had found lying on the top of the refrigerator, it's
cold sweet taste, warming my mouth, like a symphony that refused to end,
the tucks and licks, caressing the inside, dripping succulent icing.
His words touched me in places I knew existed not, in favor of the risen
one far south and east, colder than the south and warmer than the west,
from JRR Tokien's dream to the wills of Jacques whom I had talked with
often.
The total body. Like the total mind. When you think you know, and you
don't.When the body falls down and the soul removes itself, the pleasure
that seeps in from the cracks of your lips forming a psuedo smile, the
satanic verses that rub you with black pigmentation and linseed oil, the
souls that burn the saviours...
Mother, are you listening to me?
Mother.
Mother.
From the silent sweeping sounds of strawberry poptarts, crumbs
fastening themselves to the deco tiles, like the mind, complete with
greying areas.
Listening like the waves that swept the floor clean, the urgency
of the body, consuming the passion, of voices and words not needed
by the sky, of tastes and feels not needed by the sun, of and unlike
the waves not needed by the earth.
As I drunk in the mint tea, swilling it around my cheeks, feeling the
caffeine pored into me, the child kicked, and I responded.
===========================================================================
MORE NOTES ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL AND STUMPY STUFF
===========================================================================
Things to scare the public with:
1. Lead contamination in the water is caused by the Brungarians, who wish
to weaken America's youth with the foul poison so they can win the
international college quiz bowl.
2. The entire hockey league is run by satanists.
3. As we speak a giant metal mass is hurtling toward our solar system. No
one knows with it is, but the American government refuses to speak of such
things. All government officials are being sized for seats on the
evacuation saucers.
4. Alternative 3 is a reality. People disappear all the time and wind up
doing slave labor on the moon for the EBE. The government realizes that our
planet is being poisoned and they are starting to terriform the dark side
of the moon. [SBI of course has photos to prove this.]
5. Nightmare alley exists. If people don't end up in slave labor on the
moon it's the underground labs in new mexico for them where the EBE's do
all manner of uspeakable things to people.
6. More stupid people are born each year than smart people.
7. One religious nut in an important button pushing position could
start a nuclear war.
8. Terrorists drive around in vans containing large electromagnetic pulse
devices. They aim these devices at computer facilities to disrupt them.
Disruption can range from loss of phone service, to miss billing, to brown
outs, to nuclear war.
9. The Otisian religions has stayed underground for so long because it
fears it enemies.
10. The masons have been infiltrated by the IRS who are investigating them
on tax fraud.
11. Flying saucers have been seen over many a cocaine factory.
12. The earth is hollow. There are entire nations and countries inside.
They were at one time jealous of all our outside land. Now they are not
due to pollution, which has begun to slowly seep into their hollow earth.
THey have plans to stop us which will make the ovens of the Nazi's look
like a picnic.
13. The sole purpose of the pentagon is to conceal and guard a door to
Shambala.
Mal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
barker@acc.fau.edu
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
===========================================================================
A RESPONSE TO ONE OF OUR NEW READERS
===========================================================================
Smoking dogs?
Smoking Dobbs?
Bob Smokes
Bob is God
God spelled backwards is dog
Smoking dogs
where there's smoke there's fire
Sun dogs
star dogs
Dog star
Sirius!
God dog=Sirius!
God star= PTV
Dog star=MBM
Dogon tribe
Barley Sculptures
Tibetan barley sculptures.
Sun Dog
Hot Dog
No hot dog buns!
Law of Fives.
Eris
Otis
Bowling Alley
Dobbs and his camera
Super 8
8-1= Number of God
8-1-1=Number of Man
Number of Man Number of Man Number of Man = Man trying to be God
= Man trying to be Dog
= Man trying to be Dobbs
= Man trying to Smoke
Smoking Dogs
Hot Feet
Jokes
Loki
Spode!
Smoking Dogs
Cooking Dogs
Korea!
Lotus!
Smoking Dogs
Hallucinogenics
Fropheads!
Smoking Dogs
Barbecue
Blue Collar Workers
Brow!
Mal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
barker@acc.fau.edu
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
===========================================================================
AND STILL MORE CAMPAIGN NOTES
===========================================================================
More slogans:
"We am to stop political corruption by any means necessary including
bribery and blackmail."
"Don't Panic, we only want to to vote for us."
"We've come for your vote."
"What america needs it to get off it's fat butt and back on it's chucks"
"Children are important to american. Each year they generate tons of dirty
diapers we use for landfill."
"We will go to the moon! Or go to hell!"
"I'm sick and tired of living in a third rate country"
"We only lie to save you anxiety attacks"
"I'm a firm believer in military spending. Why without it we can't scare
other nations with tanks guns and planes."
"It's time for america to stop being the worlds policeman and join in on
all the fun."
"If our founding fathers had only warn chucks"
"Would you elect a man with a face like that?"
"We mean to win Wimbelton"
"A presidents job is a hard one. That's why he need some any assistants to
entertain him."
"Only you can prevent forest fires. ONly you can get me elected."
"As I stand here before the millions of eyes of america, I'm reminded of a
joke..<insert joke>"
"Is that political corruption or just a freudian slip?"
"The white house should be a show place of democracy. We'll always vote on
which restaurant to go to then we'll go to the one I want"
"Let us not worry about terrorist from abroad but terrorists from BEYOND"
******
The government must set an example for the masses.
Each senator and congress men will adopt 100 children a piece as sort of
grandparents. They will set an example across america on how to raise
these children. The easiest way to pick these children would to use wards
of the state and juvenile delinquents since they will already be on
government records and easy to find.
Each senator will be required to behave toward these children the way they
would behave toward their real children. Invite them into their homes,
play santa for them, wipe runny nose...that lot.
The second form of example the congressmen will server is to conserve
energy. Each will be required to walk or ride a bike to work. Not only
will this conserve energy but it will also a) get rid of fat politicians
who america finds disgusting, b) help improve the crime problem in
washington. A lone senator on a bicycle will get mugged and shot at and
stuff so they congress will finally decided to do something about it.
Attendance chart for politicians. An attendance chart will be set up for
all the public to see to show how many time the bozo they voted for
actually attend all those important meetings they were supposed to
attend. This chart will be prominently place inside the capital building
and be published once a well on national t.v. Politicians will be asked to
explain themselves as to why they did not attend.
This procedure should work similar to the ones used in school for
attendance. If enough politicians don't show up cut their salaries.
To encourage science among our young people the president will set up the
national jet car competition. Each year teens from around the country will
come to compete and win scholarship money for any school of their choice.
The president will personally take a spin in the winning jet car even
thought it may run at over 300 mph.
A saturday morning cartoon show similar to Pee Wee Herman will be crated
staring the president who will have guest politicians on all the time to
express their views and explain to the views just how politics
actually work. ALso there should be plenty of mad antics to keep the
populace amused.
A personal phone call from the president. Each night the president will
randomly dial some citizens home in america and talk to them. This way he
will get to know his people better.
A ferris wheel shall be built on the white house lawn to be used to
entertain foreign dignitaries. THE president and the visitor can board the
ferris wheel and have a nice private informal chat.
All anti terrorist barriers around the white house will be replaced by
piles of decoratively colored toilets. This will serve the same function
as the barriers but are creative and more cheerful. They also illustrate
many important government ideas and policies.
A complete set of cadillacs will be obtains from each year. They shall be
buried in the front lawn so that they stick up in the air in such a way to
from a sculpture. THey will be painted in the colors of the visiting
dignitaries country.
The Vice president will be in charge of a fleet of go carts to be used for
any presidential purpose they deem necessary.
Mal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
barker@acc.fau.edu
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
===========================================================================
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
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--Subink 1991
