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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 3
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #3
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO:
Electronic Magazine" PURPS%VAX004.DECNET@VAX001.KENYON.EDU"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction
News- Contests! Contests! Contests!, Spontaneous Human
Combustion!!, More!!!
OTISian Rants-- Secret Societies!
Other Rants-- GATES OF HELL LOCATED! Saddam Hussain on
"America's Funniest Home Videos"
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INTRODUCTION
("Never Pet a Burning Dog")
Well, here it is again, and this time I've been a tad more
selective about the material going in. Which is not to say,
really, that submissions are up. Frankly, I didn't get
overwhelming amounts of feedback from you all this time through,
and much of it I "spaced", deleting it zealously before thinking
"OH! I could have used that." The good news is that my disk
quota is UP to a "big" 1,000 blocks, so next issue this will not
happen. But let me reiterate my request, SEND ME WEIRD STUFF.
Anything will do. Submissions for our two new contests (see
below) are extremely welcome, but if OTIS moves you in any
mysterious, or other, way, please send the by-product here and I
will happily re-print it. As you can see from our content thus
far nothing is too weird, too deranged, too wigged out, too hip,
or too silly.
So, how do you like the new logo? I spent all of ten
minutes working on it, and, frankly, I think it shows.
Suggestions for improvement and actual replacements are both
welcome. You KNOW where to reach me. The other strange thing
that happened to the header is the addition there of my full
Bit.net address. Anyone on "the net" wanting this 'zine need
only write and ask, and all out there are more than welcome to
donate subscriptions (hint-hint, happiness don't come cheap,
folks).
A brief update on the BBS Saga: Nothing has happened.
The dis.list this magazine goes out to has been updated
again. I'll reprint it in full at the end of this issue. Get to
know your fellow Purps.members.
"Pope" Joeffe 1
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News
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PURPS.STUFF
>>The Joke That Never Ends
OK, here are two more for you. :-x (Harelip) @:-) (Elvis-
notice the haircut please).
That's enough for now, kids. Please stop sending them in....
>>CONTESTS GALORE!!
>>Story Contest
PURPS is now taking submissions for the first ever OTISian
story contest! Stories should be of any length and have
something to do with OTIS or OTISianism (mentioning one or the
other explicitly at any time wouldn't help.) The "OTISian Rants"
section of the first two "Purps" are one possible source of
inspiration, as is anything from the OTISian USPS list (if you're
on that). Send your submissions to Stevensj (local) or
STEVENSJ%52225@mps.OHIO-STATE.edu (bitnet). Anything that amuses
me enough I will print. "Winner" receives the warm satisfied
feeling from the knowledge of a job well done and possible
redemption at Ragnarock (if you really impress me I may hand out
indulgences).
>> Art Contest!
I know what you're thinking. How can an all text on-line
magazine possibly have an art contest? Well, there's actually
only one way.... Yes, faithful followers, we're having an Asterix
Art Contest! Mind blowingly dull, less fun than having your
teeth pulled, asterix art (art like the arrows at the beginning
of this issue) is the favorite mode of expression for drooling
psychopaths, complete social rejects and budding Leanardos.
Never-the-less you're encouraged to try it. "Draw" something,
anything, with asterixes (or any other single/combination of text
characters) and mail it to one of the addresses listed above (ha
ha, I'll bet you skipped right OVER that article, didn't you,
well, now you'll HAVE to go back and read it).
OTHER NEWS
S P O N T A N E O U S H U M A N C O M B U S T I O N
No longer a burning issue...
By Al Seckel
Have you ever gotten so mad that you felt that you were about to
burn up?
Well, in 1984 the Journal of the International Association of
Arson Investigators published a lengthy two-part report that
found possible prosaic explanations for the best known cases of
that bizarre, gruesome, and seemingly inexplicable phenomenon
known as spontaneous human combustion. In other words, the best
evidence now suggests that you can't spontaneously ignite.
Through the years many medical experts and forensic
pathologists have dismissed spontaneous human combustion as an
impossibility, but there has always remained enough documented
cases and evidence for a smoldering controversy.
There exist about two dozen modern cases where a claim involving
spontaneous human combustion has been made.
The best-documented modern case is that of Mrs. Mary Reeser, a
67-year-old widow who died in 1951. Her remains were discovered
in her bedroom within a blackened circle on the floor about four
feet in diameter. This case was unusual because the fire had no
apparent cause and a pile of newspapers less than a foot away
bore no signs of scorching.
There are several peculiarities to the alleged cases of
spontaneous human combustion. First, the torso, even including
the bones, were often reduced to a greasy ash, while the
extremities, particularly the legs, were often spared. Secondly,
the victims were elderly, obese, and alcoholic.
The fact that almost all of the victims were alcoholic led some
early theorists, including members of the temperance movement,
to suggest that alcohol-impregnated tissues were rendered highly
combustible.
This theory, however, was disputed by scientists who pointed out
that a person would die of alcohol poisoning long before imbibing
enough alcohol to have any effect on the body's flammability.
A more plausible explanation, however, suggests that the victims
were so impaired by alcohol that they were unable or very slow to
react when they started to burn.
A recent two-year investigation by Dr. Joe Nickell, a private
detective and Dr. John Fisher, a forensic analyst with the crime
laboratory of the Orange County Sheriff's Office in Orlando,
Florida revealed even more significant correlations behind the
thirty most significant spontaneous human combustion cases.
Nickell and Fisher found that in those instances where the
destruction of the body was relatively minimal, the only
significant fuel source seems to have been the individual's
clothes, but where the destruction was considerable, additional
fuel sources - chair stuffing, wooden flooring, floor covering,
and so on augmented the combustion. Such materials under the body
appear also to have helped retain melted fat that flowed from the
body and then volatilized and burned, destroying more of the body
and yielding still more liquefied fat to continue the burning
process.
In the cases that Nickell and Fisher researched they always found
plausible sources of ignition - proximate candles, cigarettes,
lamps, fireplaces, etc. This sort of evidence would seem to
demonstrate an external rather than an internal source of
ignition.
The 92-year-old pipe-smoking Dr. Bentley frequently dropped
burning ashes. This was evident from the many burns found on his
bedroom rug. Evidently he tried to make his way into the bathroom
with his walker in a futile attempt to extinguish his burning
robe. His robe was found smoldering in the bathtub.
Or in the case of the aforementioned Mrs Reeser: She was last
seen sitting in an overstuffed chair wearing a nightgown and
housecoat and was smoking a cigarette. In addition, she had told
her son that she had taken two sleeping pills.
The poor woman probably fell asleep in her chair and the burning
ashes fell on her chair and ignited, but they only smoldered,
which is not unusual. Smoldering heat can consume entire pieces
of furniture without any flames breaking out.
Nickell and Fisher also found that the fire did spread in Mrs
Reeser's apartment. An adjacent end table and lamp were destroyed
and a ceiling beam had to be extinguished when firemen arrived.
The floor was untouched because it was made of concrete.
Nickell and Fisher found that the proponents of spontaneous human
combustion often omitted such important details in their
published accounts. After all, you can make a mystery out of
anything by leaving out half the facts.
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OTISIAN RANTS
_________________________________________________________________
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything
will be revealed!)
This time: JOIN OUR NEW SECRET SOCIETY
HEY KIDS!!
Is Your IQ over 640?
Have You Always Lusted for Power and Longed After the Ability to
Control the Lives of the People Around You?
Do You Consider Other Human beings to be "Cattle Ready for
Slaughter"?
Do You Control Large sums of Money, Most of it Untaxed and
Untraceable?
Were You Kicked Out of Nursery School for Inciting a Violent
Rebellion Amongst Your Class Mates?
Does Running the World Sound Like Fun?
Can You Color between the Lines?
Do Your Friends Describe You as "Vicious", "Ruthless", and
"Evil"?
IF SO then the Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Anti-Masonic Elder
Knights of OTIS (colloquially known as the "Knights of OTIS" or
the "Elder Knights") would like to talk to you!
The A.I.R.A.M.E.K.O. are one of the most dangerous and
frightening of all of the Secret Societies who are really running
the world today. Founded, ostensively, in 1614 by three former
Free Masons and a Space Alien, with the express purpose of taking
over the world, the Elder Knights now have agents in virtually
every major government on Earth, and have recently become the
real power behind the Gnomes of Zurich.
The real instigators of both World Wars, and the Tri Lateral
Commission, the Knights were also recently forced to write the
"Gem Stone File" to keep the real reason for the Kennedy's deaths
a secret. Their membership is suspected to have included such
greats as Richard Nixon, Phyllis Diller, and Ben Franklin (who
was assimilated into the group after it secretly took over the
other big kid on the block, the Bavarian Illuminatti... which is
were pistachio ice cream comes from, incidentally).
And now they want YOU!
And, when you join, here's what you GET:
1. Your Very Own Membership Card! Be instantly recognizable as
a Knight to all other Knights (and, for that matter, anyone who
steals your wallet, but hey, he/she's probably working for us,
too!) A "free pass" into the CIA building and the Pentagon!
Worth a dollar off when shown at all participating (and, trust
us, that's all of them, Rax(TM) Restaurants.
2. An Extra Large, Blue and Yellow Neon T-Shirt Emblazoned With
the Official Knights Logo! Be instantly recognizable to members
of other Secret Societies who will automatically try to off you.
3. A Wall-Size, easy to read diagram, Explaining the Secret
Handshake.
4. MORE! MORE! MORE!
That's right, kids, if you're morally lax and mentally unstable,
you just might be what we're looking for! So DON'T WAIT drop us
a line TODAY! Just send either all of your worldly possessions,
for the FULL MEMBERSHIP with all the neat stuff, or $4.25 for a
Membership and a BEAUTIFUL MEMBERSHIP CERTIFICATE to:
IGHF: SHHHHH! Division
POB 235
Williamstown, MA 01267-0235 USA
BUY one for YOUR DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
===============================================================-
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
This Week: "This Will Do"
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Date: Sun, 30 Sep 90 03:59:00 EDT
Reply-To: Parapsychology Discussion Forum
<PSI-L%RPIECS.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
Sender: Parapsychology Discussion Forum
<PSI-L%RPIECS.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
From: hackERS make better programERS
<ZECCHIN%52225%OHSTPY.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
Subject: Re: British 'crop circles' - Stonehenge,
Underground water circulation ..
To: Multiple recipients of list PSI-L <PSI-L@RPIECS>
Melcir,
Dowsing you say might have an answer to what seems to be going on with
these crop circles?? Interesting possibility, I suppose England is well
known for their underground streams? How might they be forming these circles
(circles) though? Possibly something to do with electronic charges formed by
these rushing waters.
That brings me to an interesting memory. I am not sure if you are familiar,
or ever even heard of this incident, but some time ago a person during
the Donahue talk show testified that the gates of hell exist and that they
are in Kenyon College. I am not sure if my address shows it or not but this
is where I am now, and happen to be a student here. Surely this person is off
their rocker, but shortly after I began to investigate what would lead a person
to say this. Other than displeasement with the college. Well I came across
an interesting individual who seemed to be well versed about the history of
this place, so I asked him about it. He had no answer to why the person said
this, but he did tell me that years ago a person dowsed the area of the campus
and the surrounding land. And that this person found there to be a high
concentration of subterranean steams, and what he called natural earth lines,
all coming together here at this campus. He claimed that there was a high
intensity of energy here, and a measurable high level of static electricity,
all making this place a ideal area for paranormal activity.
Any thoughts??
I sure was intrigued to hear this, but then I also happen to be here.
dave..
ZECCHIN@VAX001.KENYON.EDU
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From: ANGELM%VTVM1.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU
Subject: Models, Gurus, Plymouths and Urantia
To: Multiple recipients of list PSI-L <PSI-L@RPIECS> *** Reply to note of
09/29/90 05:23 And other things......
Dave Zecchin: I would appear that you are living in a hot spot! What luck!
The energy flow in such a place is very good for you and if you learn to "tap
into" it, it can be very helpful. As for your comments regarding the
appropriate topics of this list: You said: "I BELIEVE already. A skeptic
should not be on here." I disagree. But first what is it that you believe?
Do you believe that psi is possible? We would all probably agree with you on
that one. My point, however, was that there is much more to golfing that just
watching the ball go in the hole. How does it happen? Why does it happen?
How can we improve it? What moral implications are there? All these are valid
questions and your answers may be just as valid, but totally different from
another's. So...what do you believe?
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From: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.FIU.EDU
Subject: We've got a bigger problem now.
> From: MITTLE@ibm.com (Josh Mittleman)
> Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
> Keywords: topical, chuckle
> Date: 2 Oct 90 07:20:10 GMT
>
>
> None of the major networks has agreed to broadcast Saddam Hussein's
> rebuttal of President Bush's message to the Iraqi people. However,
> "America's Funniest Home Videos" has bid $7 million.
>
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THE LIST
___________
Here it is again. There have been a lot of changes. Mostly (Hail OTIS)
additions. Memorize it for the upcoming quiz. Or, don't.
===========
asaro
broadie
chadwick
fitzgera
gregory
hillv
reehal
hamrick
holdcraf
keeling
kinge
kleinsr
koehlers
kurelljj
lane
*liza
*mal
margaret
matusek
matzke
mcnally
model
murray
neffa
nowell
schroeder
shutt
simpsons
stevensj
tucker
waddell
whitcopf
zecchin
*bitnet people...
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 3
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
