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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 5
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #5
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: VAX004::Purps
Electronic Magazine" PURPS%VAX004.DECNET@VAX001.KENYON.EDU
W.A.S.T.E. STEVENSJ-GOH-MUNDI
(or Drop it in the Columbus
"bin".)
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
*** P P U U R R P P S
***** P P U U R R P P S
******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
********* P U U R R P S
*********** P U U R RR P S
***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
***** _________________________________
***** __________________________________
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* **** *
*** *** ***
**** * *****
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**** ***** *****
*** ***** ***
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________________________________________________________________
SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction- Never Trust a "Pope"
What News?: Constipation!, Fear of Bathrooms, Caped Crusaders at
Weddings, Brain Surgery!, MORE!
OTISian Rants: Introducing "Elbo", Goddess of Angles and, erm,
Grease, Further Contacts!
Other Rants: Time Distortion! Elvis/ OTIS IS Everywhere, MORE
ART!, Sex Changes, English as a Difficult Language,
More!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
INTRODUCTION
("Never trust a Pope")
Ack! What a day! The organization panned by Gajoob
magazine (who called us the InterNATIONAL House of Fruitcakes to
add insult to injury) in the morning, OOODELS of mail came in
the afternoon, necessitating, ENTIRELY against my will, another
PURPS. Then bitnet node OHSTPY died in the evening. And stayed
dead.... Let me tell you, this party I've been invited to in
Rob's room had better be good.....
No more promises this time. It looks like Purps will be
coming out more frequently whether I will or no. I promise to
holler, kick, scream and STRAIN these ties that bind me to make
sure you don't see this more than once every two weeks, starting
with this issue. OTIS must like this magazine or something... I
mean REALLY like this magazine.....
Alright, we can now (thank you, MAL) reach people on
Compuserve, Applelink and several other networks. If you know
anyone there or would rather join us there, holler. You can send
mail (and ONLY mail, sorry) to people you know on these networks
too, by the way. Just pull OTHERNETS.ARH up from the archives.
(Don't know what I'm talking about? Of course not... But there's
more on this in the OTISian Rants section.) FAIR WARNING: this
is a LONG file....
Finally (gasp) those of you with your lights in the attic
still functioning may have noticed that two new addresses grace
this 'zine's title page. Please redirect ALL (and honey I mean
ALL) Purps mail to those addresses, as I don't have the space on
my other account for Purps stuff. Now, send without fear of
crashing my quota. Not that that was ever your primary motive...
"Pope" Jephe I
_______
News
-------
PURPS.STUFF
OFFICIAL OTISian T-SHIRTS:
To be worn in either winter or summer, but considerably cooler in
the former, 100% cotton (lots of sheep destroyed; apologies to
environmental types) OTISian T-Shirts proudly emblazoned with the
official IGHF logo on the front, and the words "Hail OTIS!!" on
the back are available for FREE, to all members of this mailing
list. That's right, kids, we sold all we could, now we're
letting them go for free! AvaiLable in either conventional black
ink on a white background, or RADICAL NEW IMPROVED TOTALLY
UNCONVENTIONAL white background BENEATH black ink, in sizes Adult
large and adult medium only. (And don't come crying to ME
because OTIS didn't make you the RIGHT SIZE)! There's a bag on
my door (403 Mather) for those of you on campus, others need to
send a mail message and reimburse for postage (about a dollar-
five US, I think). The logo was hand crafted (no apes were
involved) by EJ Barnes, a fantastic artist. The shirts are 100%
environmentally safe, "dolphin free" and likely to get you placed
on the FBI's "watch list" if you wear them in public. Get one in
time for Halloween.
And by the way, I'm trying to get another batch made up... Anyone
know anyone with a silk screen? PJ.
OTISIAN NEWS
From: subgenius-request@mc.lcs.mit.EDU
Reply-to: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.EDU
News of the Weird
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Eric Haines <eye!erich@wrath.cs.cornell.edu>
- James M. Jernigan, 30, was arrested in Folly Beach, S.C., in April outside
the church where Teresa Parker was being married. Jernigan, described as
infatuated with Parker, was attempting to prevent the marriage, brandishing a
toy pistol and wearing a big cowboy hat, white cape, and black mask.
- A Springfield, Ill., physician, writing in an April medical journal about a
3-year-old boy's severe constipation, attributed it to his fear of entering
the bathroom due to memories of a TV commercial in which the toilet bowl turns
into a monster, with the lid making a chomping noise. He had refused to enter
a bathroom for six months without explaining why.
From: "Keith F. Lynch" <kfl@quake.lcs.mit.edu>
Subject: Do-it-yourself brain surgery
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
"The _British Journal of Psychiatry_ reported in 1988 that a Canadian
teenager who shot himself in the mouth in a suicide attempt three
years earlier had actually torn apart the section of his brain
responsible for his remarkable compulsion to wash his hands as many
as 100 times a day - a compulsion that had led to his suicide attempt
in the first place. The boy survived, and saw his IQ rise to its
pre-illness level."
Credit Where Credit is Due...
Find more of this in: "More News of the Weird" (catchy name, eh?), by Chuck
Shepherd, Ohut, & Sweet, New American Library/Plume Books, something like
$7.95, due out around November 1.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
OTISIAN RANTS
_________________________________________________________________
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
revealed!)
THE OTISian Pantheon Has a New Goddess! Please Welcome "ELBO" Goddess of
ANGELS, and... erm.. Grease..... (*athem*...)
Elbo is the newest OTISian goddess. She was introduced by OTIS him/herself
to me in a dream a few nights back. It went a little like this:
I was having a perfectly normal, happy fantasy when OTIS interrupted. A
GREAT SHINING LIGHT (know any other kinds do you?) burst into my dreamscape,
and out of it strode OTIS in all (well most, even god/desse/s have their
modesty) of his/her glory!
OTIS: Erm.. Hi there. Excuse me for interrupting your previous dream, but
there's something very important I have to tell you about... um... listen...
could I just move these yaks out of here, they're cramping my space.
Geoffe: Go ahead, oh great one, who am I to oppose your will?
OTIS: Thanks. I'll just show this one this way, and toss all the rest off this
conveniently located high precipice... Hmmm... here's another.... Do you
always have so many yaks in your dreams?
Geoffe: Last night it was gerbils...
OTIS: Ah..... Anyway, back to the business at hand (*athem*). BEHOLD A NEW
GODDESS HAS BEEN BORN. "ELBO" GOD OF ANGELS SPRUNG MIRACULOUSLY FULL GROWN OUT
OF THE AREA BETWEEN MY SHOULDER AND WRIST LAST NIGHT. IN HER HAND WAS A
CARPENTER'S COMPASS AND LEVEL. THEREFORE, I DECLARE HER GODDESS OF ANGELS AND
GREASE.... Gee, this place echoes nicely... Where are we?
Geoffe: Tibet. But tell me great one, why "grease"?
OTIS: Ever give birth from the area between your shoulder and wrist?
Geoffe: No, but I did no the guy who--
OTIS: It requires a little lubrication, and then, generally some vaseline to
take the sting away.
Geoffe: Ah.
Please Welcome 'ELBO', daughter of OTIS to the Pantheon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WE HAVE AN ARCHIVE
THE PURPS ARCHIVE IS NOW THIRTY TWO FILES LONG AND GROWING!!!!
INFO ON ANY NUMBER OF WEIRD TOPICS, EVERYTHING FROM STAR TREK PARODIES TO
"COCKNEY" VERSIONS OF "PURPS" TO THE MOOSe ILLUMINATTI CAN BE FOUND HERE!
HUGE AMUSING TEXTFILES ARE YOUR FOR THE ASKING....
IF YOU'RE ON KENYON'S VAX TYPE "@[STEVENSJ]PURPS.ARH" AT THE DOLLAR SIGN.
THE LIST OF FILES IN "PURPS.ESSENTIAL" IS NOT COMPLETE!!! GIVE ME TIME...
IF YOU'RE ON THE BITNET, SEND MAIL TO THE ADDRESS ABOVE CONTAINING ONLY THE
MESSAGE "SEND ME PURPS.ESSENTIAL YOU BOZO". A SEMI_ELECTRONIC PROCESS WILL
HANDEL YOUR REQUEST. "POPE" JEOFFE I
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Time: I didn't feel like entertaining you. So, here are some other people
who will. Next time I'm working on a truly MEGALITHIC rant. 'till then, this
will have to suffice. P.J.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HEY YOU! Do you like Purps? Want to receive even more weird stuff like this
through the mail? Do the ideas of radicals, free thinkers, and out in out
weirdos appeal? Well, there's a whole other "network" out there in the real
world composed of UFO cultists, deranged OTISians and other free thinkers.
It's non-electronic, and works instead by the blood sweat and tears of the
dedicated men and women of the US Postal Service. (That's right, kids, the
mail... remember the mail.... might be time to check that box again, huh?).
It's referred to affectionately as the "Fringe", and it consists of a vast
network of hip, strange, and unusual people communicating with each other and
the world via independently published "'zines", xeroxed sheets, odd pamphlets,
and flyers...
All you need to do is drop a line or two to the following along with an SASE,
or a donation, or something, and, within a few short weeks, your PO Box will be
FLOODED with bizarre "stuff".
First, there's us:
IGHF
POB 235
WILLIAMSTOWN MA 01267-0235
The only FULLY REGISTERED promoters of the OTISian faith. Lots of OTISian
rants pamphlets mailed "weekly" and the ever popular OTISian Directory (more
on that later). SASE, please.
Then there's:
FACTSHEET FIVE
C/O MIKE GUNDERLOY
6 ARIZONA AVE
RENNSELAER NY 12144-4502
Send $3.00 for an issue of "Factsheet Five", a HUGE magazine containing nothing
but addresses of fringe members. 1,000s of sources of weird mail. Tell him
"Pope" Jephee I sent you.
Not to Mention:
GAJOOB
POB 3201
SALT LAKE CITY UT 84110
The definitive magazine of the alternative (I mean REALLY alternative) music
scene. $3.00 for a back issue, I think... The most recent one PANS the IGHF
in a brief review in the back. Odd when you consider they used to reprint our
stuff in full...
WEIRD Politicians Should Really Look Into:
THE CONTROVERSY CHRONICLE
POB 80721
FAIRBANKS AK 99708
A marvelous little 'zine covering everything from incredibly strange film top
the constitution. LOTS of adds for other strange periodicals...
WEIRD Books!!!!
The Finest Weird Bookstore in the world is:
LOOMPANICS UNLIMITED
POB 1197
PORT TOWNSEND WA 98336
FINALLY:
You'll want a copy of the latest OTISian Directory. For only $2.00 you get a
NIFTY little 'zine listing 20-30 of the BEST contact addresses on the fringe,
and filled with wonderful art and odd OTISian "bizarrity" (A word not in
Websters, I know, I know....). If you're on campus send mail to VAX004::PURPS
or drop by room 403 Mather, two dollars in your hot and sweaty paw, and I'll
run one off for you. Mike Gunderloy of Factsheet Five once said it read like a
"Low Budget 'High Weirdness by Mail'"..... Which brings me to...
Tucked inocculously enough away in the "humor" section of the Bookstore is one
of the weirdest books of all time. "High Weirdness by Mail" is the publication
of the once funny Church of the Subgenius (whose chief members are too busy
right now being on trial for throwing a mail bomb to tell many jokes). It's
one of the BEST contact guides for the fringe available. These people are
almost as sarcastic as WE are....
===============================================================
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
Subject: fun with time control
Reply-To: Parapsychology Discussion Forum
<PSI-L%RPIECS.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
From: Glen Daniels <gub%FTP.COM@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
Subject: Re: Awake - yet unable to move...
Speaking of time distortions....
There's a book called "Stalking the Wild Pendulum", by Itzhak
Bentov (I think that's his name). It's a very interesting sort of
pseudo-scientific treatise on consciousness, life, and the
interrelationship of "mind" and "matter". He gets some things wrong,
he's a little too "spacey" in places, but in general it's a very
worthwhile little book (he's very enthusiastic about the universe).
So this is a paraphrase of an experiment from this book that
demonstrates the subjectivity of time sense:
Sit upright in a comfortable position, preferably near a
table or counter. On the table, place an analog watch or clock, one
with a sweep second hand. Take several deep breaths, and RELAX.
While you do this, let your eyes track the motion of the second
hand...get a feel for how fast it moves, how long a second is.
Now, when you're relaxed and ready, close your eyes. Imagine
yourself someplace you'd really like to be, somewhere you're happy
and at peace -- lying on the beach, with a cool drink in your hand;
on a sailboat; skiing down a mountain; etc... The important thing is
to really BE there -- feel the condensation off the glass dripping
down your hand, taste the salt air, feel the sand under your toes....
When you're completely into the visualization, experiencing
it as deeply as you can, S L O W L Y open your eyes. Don't snap
them open, don't focus quickly on anything. Just keep yourself in
your mental environment.... Now, lazily, without thinking about it,
let your eyes focus on the second hand of the watch as you continue
to maintain your image....
You'll find, I think, that something very interesting happens
(or rather, doesn't happen). As soon as you consciously notice,
though, the weirdness goes away.
Try it....It works. The better you get at it, the longer you
can keep the effect (you can probably guess what it is).
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: cox@cmp-rt.music.uiuc.edu (Benjamin Cox)
Subject: The ELVIS gene
Organization: University of Illinois School of Music
My sister is in the genetics program at Berkeley. A couple of her friends
searched through GenBank looking for amino acids which contained the string
"ELVIS" in their "code".
A match was found, in an amino acid which is found in mitochondria. Also, in
this same acid, the strings "KING" and "DEAD" were found.
PROOF that there's a little "ELVIS" in all of us.
"Dear Lord, I sincerely hope you're comin' Cause you REALLY STARTED SOMETHIN!"
-- Elvis
"Don't just *eat* a hamburger . . . eat the HELL out of it." (Economicon 23:78)
-- Ben Cox
From: jdobbs@director (Jim Dobbs)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: The ELVIS jean
I really hate to be the one to tell you this, Ben, but 'little Elvis'
was The King's nickname for his er, uh ... UNIT. So let me be the
first to proclaim that there was NEVER a 'little ELVIS' in ME!
You may be suffering from a little JHVH-1 mind control, or not.
It is like unto the story of the SubGenius who was made invisible,
and did dwell in the Girl's locker room for forty days and forty
nights- whereupon reappearing, found a twenty in his old cardigan,
only to discover that the Utilities had lost his account number and
were unable to bill him forevermore, who did shout, "Glory be to Bob,
and all who sail in him!", finally to awaken and discover that not only
had it all been an Xist-induced dream, but that he had missed his bus
stop and had to walk several miles to his home.
Whether I was that man or not is unimportant, but there IS a GREAT DEAL
of PUZZLING EVIDENCE and ANSWERS TO ALL YOUR QUESTIONS herein contained.
DO NOT MISTAKE 'PIPE-DREAMS' for TRUE SLACK, Ben. You could be in GRAVE
DANGER. You could find yourself 'happy' and 'contented' WORKING AT A
REGULAR JOB, or MARRIED, ALL UNDER XIST MIND CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you KNOW what to do, Ben. RENOUNCE THE PINK MEN and begin your
SOMNOLENT QUEST for SLACK, or DOOMOLA.
Uncle Bob used to say, 'GET OUT OF MY FACE, YOU LITTLE CREEP, OR KILL
ME!', and it made me feel VERY SPECIAL, let me tell you. My hope for
YOU, Ben, is that YOU will HURT LIKE I DO.
-Jim
--
^ - | "You can't depend on your eyes | "Go, and never | - ^
( O-O | when your imagination | darken my | O-O )
> | is out of focus. | towels again! | <
^ | -Mark Twain | -Groucho Marx | ^
-----------------------------------------------------------------)------
[So, now that you've heard about "B-b" (we OTISians never spell that name),
perhaps you'd like to see what the supreme Frop head looks like... Don't USE it
anywhere, though. It's a REGISTERED TRADEMARK of SIMON AND SCHUSTER!
Which brings us nicely to our....]
--------------------
ART CONTEST ENTRIES
--------------------
From: a864@mindlink.UUCP (Jono Moore)
Subject: Bob
Message-ID: <3271@mindlink.UUCP>
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@(c)
Put that in yer pipe and smoke it! Yeeha!
--
USENET: a864@mindlink.UUCP | "I've got compassion running
BITNET: usernk1z@sfu | out of my nose, pal. I'm the
INTERNET: Jono_Moore@cc.sfu.ca | sultan of sentiment."
DATA: (604)983-3546 MSDOS only | --Albert Rosenfield (Twin Peaks)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And another....
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$$$$$$ (c) Simon and Schuster
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We have art, too, of course. It's just not as, well, good....
From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Screaming Prophet of OTIS Triumphant"
Subj: PURPS ART CONTEST ENTRY
========================================================================
= POPE GEOFFE I, HAVING JUST TOSSED A YAK OFF OF THE IGHIEF BALCONY. =
========================================================================
= =
= * =
= *** + =
= ***** _|_ =
= * / \ =
= * |___| =
= * O O =
= * * * ~ =
= *** *** \_/ =
= ***************************** ==== ==== =
= *** * *** / \_/ \ =
= * * * | | | | =
= * \ | | | | \ =
= * \ | | | | \ =
= * \_____| |_______| |____\ =
= ***** | ^^^| |^^^ | =
= *** | \__/ \__/ | =
= * | | =
= | | =
= | | =
= =
========================================================================
End (thank heavens) this week's art contest instalment
Now, something you really need to know....
From: VAX001::ZECCHIN "hackERS make better programERS" 5-OCT-1990
Subj: Pregnant men??
From: OHSTPY::IN%"ADND-L@PUCC.BITNET" "Advanced Dungeons and Dragons
discussion list"
To: "David H. Zecchin" <ZECCHIN%52225@MPS.OHIO-STATE.EDU>
Subj: RE: Sex Changes (was WORMY POLYMORPHS)
If you want a discussion about that enter Anime-l discussion list as
that has been a topic with Ranma 1/2 (A show where the major character;
12th level Monk and still going to High School, was cursed by a pool to
turn into a Princess everytime he gets wet with cold water. The only way
to turn back into a male is to get wet with Hot water.)
They have been trying to figure out what would happen if (s)he got pregnant.
Michael Carlson
The Sorcerer
LTU Student Government
MC68416@LTUVAX.BITNET
=============================================================================
The Last Word, however, goes to our European correspondent
From: VAX001::SIMPSONS "BOB is dead; Long live OTIS!" 5-OCT-1990
Subj: the dangers of thinking in one language and speaking in another
From: VAX001::WINS%"<XCULT-L@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>" 5-OCT-1990 11:00:02.39
I belive in Germany feelings are mixt. For many young "western" people
the eastern part of Germany was behind the moon and thirty years
behind the way of living and thinking, now they fear the rollback.
The worthsystem in the western part is consumoriented, egoistic
and solidarity has no high place.
While most german are looking on the economic part only few
see the problem that two different cultures are bound together.
In the eastern part many people feel desoriented and betrayed
because they wakeup in unemployment and do not know the way
the W-Germanm society works.
Patriotism is still low today, we and the world had too bad experinces
with that sh__ , so we use it only on the soccerfield.
The conservative party uses the reunification to get better chances
next election, they play the "no higher taxes promise" game and will win.
Heinrich Heine
former W-Germany
________________________________________________________________
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 5
----------------------------------------------------------------
Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
