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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 19
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 29-APR-1991 16:20:20.63
To: STEVENSJ
CC:
Subj: Purps19 and some comments
Return-Path: <"FAUVAX::BARKER"@servax.fiu.edu>
Received: from servax.fiu.edu by vax001.kenyon.edu with SMTP ;
Mon, 29 Apr 91 16:17:37 EDT
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 1991 16:16:49 EDT
From: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.FIU.EDU (SBI-Submarine Pens)
Message-Id: <910429161649.2020132a@SERVAX.FIU.EDU>
Subject: Purps19 and some comments
To: stevensj@vax001.kenyon.edu
X-Vmsmail-To: @JEPHE
Okay here it is. It's rought and it's late but none the less it's done and
it's my first attempt. It can only be up here from here. Do what you want
with it. You've got the mailing list I figure. Send me one so I can see
what it ended up looking lit.
See you tonight.
Mal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
barker@acc.fau.edu
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
-----cut here-----
***** ****** ****
** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
================================================================
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 19
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
*** P P U U R R P P S
***** P P U U R R P P S
******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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Time to cut the losses and run with it...
===========================================================================
Alas...
Well life has not been good to me this weekend. First the Pope ups the
deadline by a week and then all my gear crashes and burns for a weekend.
This was supposed to be out yesterday. I'm going to put it out today.
I'll have to cut some stuff I wanted to include. I suppose there's always
next time.
What you get:
Mad Ravings by Mal
Colors and You
On Brownness
Boring Technical Bits (which you'd best skip over)
Another Installment of Rev Johns Story (with a surprising twist.)
Words and Such Between the Paisley Goddess and Mal
A Big Humorous thing/contest
Mal Speaks
Please forgive the spelling and proofreading errors. I'm sort of rushed.
===========================================================================
Let 'er Rip
===========================================================================
Okay now that we have the logo out of the way we can get down to
brass tax I suppose. This I guess is the guest issue of Purps done by me
Mal3. I really don't know what it will contain but I felt best to get it
underway before people started yelling or I forgot I was supposed to do
this. I mean, one does kinda get distracted with the complimentary yacht
and the other perks of this job.
Needless to say at the moment I'm feeling slightly awkward over
the content of this beastie. I submit a lot of stuff to the real
real Purps issues. Hmm will I have to submit stuff to myself now or
something of that nature? I dunno. I think I should probably write most
of this from scratch just for fun and maybe throw in a couple of things
from the ancient archives if I can find anything decent enough to include.
I suppose keeping with the nature of this publication we should
include a good helping of things Otisian. And probably some sever
warnings for all your spineless wimps out there who never bother to
include anything or add to the great volume of Otisian Knowledge. I know,
I know, you say, "Hell I ain't in the inner circle so I don't frog sweat
about Otis". Well that certainly is no excuse. As an Otisian--well I
think you're supposed to be one seeing as you receive this--you should be
actively seeking out Otis in every way shape and form.
Look to the example from Issue 18 of a poor lost soul (we don't
want to include names and embarrass people after all.) who had never know
the true light of Otis, but had stumbled across the truths that manifest
themselves in our every day lives.[Editors note: The business with
elevators.]
Otis is there. Otis exists. Just because you don't know what
He/She looks like is no excuse. Otis could be the paper boy who keeps
bothering your for a subscription so he can win a trip to Disney World,
she could be the hair dresser who managed to dye your hair pink, or he
could be the garage mechanic who did something unspeakable to your car
you've never had to fill it with gas again.
In other words, it's time you Otisian followers speak up and do
something. Write stories. Find more material for Purps, use your brains.
Stop sitting around like a bunch of cannibalistic Xian sheep who sit back
and suck it all down. I don't think Otis in his/her original revelations
ever planned to have a mass of mindless sheep. Contribute something. If
all else fails remember the Pope's favorite phrase 'Send money.' They can
always use it for their snail mail publications and other goodies they
send out.
Anyways, let the games begin....
===========================================================================
[This space was supposed to contain a revelation on a new Goddess but
that will have to wait until another issue.]
===========================================================================
Your Favorite Color is the
Key to Your Sexual Life
The cloths you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive
all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you
select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite
color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in
your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one
that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you.
A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum,
explained the association between color and sexual patterns.
RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are
easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual
spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get
together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of
red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are
complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals
is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In
most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a
passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will
never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.
PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual
matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver.
In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly
hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in
pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the
type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one,
preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands
like pink should keep a secret nest egg.
PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too
sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type
who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to
lovemaking . In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their
fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.
BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not
necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the
sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer
perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are
moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during
unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the
color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and
teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their
approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins
all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but
in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not
passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about
infidelity.
ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies.
The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the
star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet
nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange
people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act.
Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the
sex partner's back.
BROWN: [Editors note: See more on BROWN below.] If you love
brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be
warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex
is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough.
Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their
tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and
privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word
could end the affair.
GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive.
They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose
a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of
relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam,
thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for
one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant.
They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over
with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse
considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another
grey, the marriage is made in heaven.
BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are
sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They
consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who
love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner
like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex
to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be
compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men
enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act
itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking
outside interests.
WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems
filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is
obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love
white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after
the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.
===========================================================================
ON BROWNNESS
===========================================================================
It seems once again the specter of those Brown Bucketeers rears it's ugly
head. So let's take a close look at it once again.
> BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right
>mate.
And probably gullible enough to believe this Brown Bucket Business.
>Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and
>desires of their partners.
Warm, deep, sensitive? Well maybe a bucket is deep. A fez is deeper though.
>Sex is a 24 hour a day thing.
Ah so the Brown Bucket is another one of these sex cults.
>Where you can't say "I love you" often enough.
Having nothing better to say they repeat their scanty dogma over and
over again, hoping that the foolish masses will think it must be a deep
and tremendous thing because they always keep hearing about it.
>Snuggling by the fire,
Snuggling with a bucket? Snuggling with a fire bucket? Smuggling a
bucket?
>walking in the rain
Hmm well buckets can hold rain. Hmm tie in to rain barrels here. Brings
to mind the old 'fish in a barrel' business. 'Finding people gullible
enough to believe in the brown bucket is like shooting fish in a barrel'
>or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown.
Hmm this must be a bit out dated. Ain't snow flakes kinda poisonous now
with all this acid rain business? Still maybe this is one of their secret
rituals revealed. Some sort of odd ball brownish fertility right. [Refer
to the sex cult business above.]
>They need lots of time and privacy to make love.
Hmm so embarrassed they can't do this in public. Turning it into a secret
society aye?
>But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.
Hmm some warning to me I suppose about how this above business might piss
off a few folks I suppose.
===========================================================================
Boring Technical Bits. [Just skip over this.]
===========================================================================
Hmm most of this stuff was typed in and cobbled together using the
infamous Emacs program for the PC. I figured I'd use it because I liked
it and it does straight text which is what the mainframe and the mailer
prefers. Mostly I just got stuff and threw it in line and that's the
order it came out in.
If you don't have Emacs on your main frame you should demand it since
it's easy to use and the best editor I've ever seen on a main frame.
This file should be under 1000 lines and 64K. Some mailers have trouble
with files over that size so for portability it's best to keep this small.
The entire thing was written by me unless otherwise noted.
===========================================================================
The Rev's Story
===========================================================================
From: SERVAX::SMTP%"UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu" 25-APR-1991 19:05:14.75
To: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.fiu.edu
hokey dokey, here it be..
Rev John uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu
----------cut here---------------------
My Voyage Into The Netherworld
or,
How I Learned To Stop Worrying And SPODE
Part The Second
Of Some
Within a few hours I was ready. Dressed in full regalia (jeans, t-shirt
and sneaks.. SPODE not standing on formality, or formica for that matter)
I took the briefcase the filthy man had given me between installments of
the story and willed SPODE to send me to hell.
After five or six minutes I realized that the sucker wasn't coming. It
was time to use the expense account. Traveling overland to the nearest
airport I purchased a ticket to hell, two-way of course. The woman at the
ticket window gave me a funny look when I announced my destination, so I
put on a plastic 'groucho' face (nose, mustache & glasses) and gave her a
funnier look. She submitted and within a lifetime or an hour or so I was
ensconced in the newest issue of 'Flyer' magazine, hungrily devouring an
article about a 90-year old stewardess.
At some point I wondered what might be in the briefcase that the filthy
man had given me. I had been told to deliver it to the big S himself
(should he in fact be around) or to the nearest superior official. The
anxiety was just too much for me, so I popped the locks open (combination
666, of course) and unwittingly set off the small caliber pistol built
into the back of the case. Crying out in pain, a 90 year old stewardess in
the aisle near me dropped to the floor, spurting blood and geritol in
equal quantities. She died quickly and since everyone already had their
coffee and cherry tort she was not sorely missed.
Inside the suitcase was a sealed manila envelope, with the legend "To The
Lord of Darkness, or Whoever It May Concern" emblazoned on the front in
grape juice. Deciding that I was probably one of the latter category I
tore the envelope open and devoured the contents.
Fortunately I realized quickly that they were not in fact edible and so
once I had spit out the crumpled paper I was able to read the text
imprinted thereon.
"Your expense account has been canceled. Complete mission irregardless or
else."
"Shit!" I cried, leaping out into the aisle and landing firmly on the neck
of the bleeding geriatric stewardess. It snapped with a loud noise and
more blood began to drip out of her nostrils, but I had better things to
do than stand there and get my rocks off. With a scowl that would have
wilted lettuce I rushed into the stewardess cubicle and wrested the
AirPhone from the ear of some nebishy drug dealer. With a 976-SPOD I was
connected and vitriol poured in through the earpiece.
"The suitcase wasn't for YOU, dipshit." came the voice of SPODE.
"Then what was it for?" I replied, desperate for my expense account to be
reinstated.
"That damn stewardess was a fallen angel. Would have sucked your brain
first time you went to the bathroom."
"Then why cancel my account?"
"If you hadn't been drinking heavily on MY tab, you wouldn't have needed
to go to the restroom and she wouldn't have been able to bother you."
"Oh christ.." I muttered and lightning flashed outside.
"I'd watch that if I were you. Since he returned God has been a bit testy.
Word is he's taking the commandments seriously."
"Okay, I'll be careful. But I want the damn expense account back!"
"Very well, but only for while you're in Hell."
"Deal."
Half an hour later we touched down in Hell. I was the only one getting
off, amazingly enough. No one got on, of course, except for the obligatory
Shriner that had gotten off early on the last flight while in a drunken
stupor.
Descending the exit ramp, I was immediately grabbed by two large burly
demons. I offered no resistance, knowing that discretion was the better
part of survival.
They grabbed me roughly by my pinkie and dragged me along, as I screamed
and screamed again in exaggerated whooping noises. They kept giving me
funny looks but I knew that my confusion tactics were working nonetheless
Shortly we came into a large ornate bathroom. Seated on the mighty throng
therein was a man that I had never seen before, yet I knew him well.
"Hmm Rev, good to see you."
I slapped myself silly. It was, of course, Mal Barker.
TO BE CONTINUED
RevJohn uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu
===========================================================================
THE GODDESS HEETHER SPEAKS. ALL HAIL THE DIVINE PAISLEY!!!!!
===========================================================================
Below is a collection of various bits of correspondence between the
Paisley Paisley Goddess [Blessed be the Divine Paisley] and myself. The
Paisley Goddess of course is a VERY IMPORTANT GODDESS and you should heed
her words. She does not have many worshippers and would love to have many
many more.
******
>Subject: Re: Formal greetings from the Submarine Pens
>Greetings, You O Mal and none other--may many paisleys come your way in life.
>I must say, having been a somewhat delinquent and irresponsible goddess (but
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Hmm as a Goddess you are not
delinquent or irresponsible. Simply the conjunction of the sphere was not
right. Or you did not deem it necessary to grant congress with me until
this time. Of course this could have been some sort of test of faith on my
part and I may have failed or passed. Hard to say. I mean if since I
didn't write back whimpering about your where abouts you could construe
that I'd forgotten about you, or perhaps I felt you were a figment of my
imagination. Or since I did not write you I could have had faith that some
day you would see fit to communicate your will to me.
>this, methinks, is the point of paisleyness--paisleys, after all, curve all
>over the place and swim about like decorative tadpoles unbound by conventional
>austerity or straightness...), I was most surprised, and delighted, to hear
How can paisley have a point if they are all curved? :-)
>from a Paisley-shirted One (assuming you aren't multiply-personalitied, in
>which case amend that last to 'Paisley-shirted several'). I do indeed urge
>you
>to care muchly for your sacred robe, the wearing of which should of course
>be saved for special, significant, days--such occasions being defined, in a
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oh wise and wondrous wisdom filled Goddess truly you're word ring true. If
I wore this robe less often it would not wear out as fast.
Hmm are days were you have nothing else to wear because you forgot to do
you wash special and significant enough or should I just go around naked?
>wonderfully circular (paisley-er?) manner, with reference to the donning of
>the holy garb. Moreover, as owner of a paisley piece of clothing, I hereby
>invite you, in the name of things that don't make sense (unless perhaps this
>sense be of the sixth sort--seeing and hearing and smelling are far too
>mundane)
>, to become a Priest of Paisley. Yea, and Verily, and much Hailing of Otis--
>I do in fact (and probably in fantasy) Decree you a Priest--no, make that
>The First and Most Magnificently Twisted Priest--of Paisleyness. The position
>requires only the possession of Paisley things and a dedication to all which
>isn't straight (plaids and stripes and checks, I fear, are out on Paisley
>days)
>--moreover, it comes with the authority to void or alter in any way both
>the responsibilities cited above and the form/title of the office itself...
>For now, though, like it or not, I send my Blessings to you in a whirl of
This a great honor I will cherish for a life time. I suppose I should
make some sort of formal announcement about this. Checks and stripes are
indeed evil things. Especially here in Florida where the droves of older
type humans tend to where them with great gusto often resorting to two
different plaid or stripes in the same outfit. Rarely if ever do they wear
Paisley [blessed be the Divine Paisley]. Maybe you have seen fit to sway
my destiny so that I must live in this unholy place. My mission grows
clearer. I must spread the word to the masses of the evils of checks and
plaids. Still the old and infirm masses may be far too set in their ways.
Maybe this is why we are plagued by hurricanes to wash away this evil in
an elemental baptism.
>California colors (whatever these may be...I am, you see, posing as a mere and
>rather mixed up mortal anthropology grad student in San Diego, furthering the
>cause of Paisleyness by trying to confuse the students I teach, as well as
>my white-haired profs (I would love to see them all turn punk). But this is
Anthropology. I assume you have been telling your no doubt attentive
pupils about the recent works of Dr. Simpson in the Gobi Desert where he
stumbled across GIANT STONE FEZZES with great letter "O"'s inscribed on
them. Or how at the hands of a primitive band of Skoptics (or what ever
the name is of that sect that used to castrate themselves in Russia) he
was cruelly castrated and now vaguely searches after a replacement in the
from of the infamous "brows balls"
Or the theories of Brion Gyson how the Gobi used to be the land of the
Cities Of Red Night, portrayed in the novel by William S. Burroughs and
how they met their fell end. Or the link with the Gobi and the Lake of
Hali and Carcosa.
And what of the hollow earth theory and how the Nazi's secretly still
exist there subjugating the race of Atlantians who fled there when their
original continent sank.
Or what about the thousands of tunnels under the Andes and the secrets
they hold?
>a secret, in the long-established tradition of deities who pretend to be
>human in order to better assess the morality and righteousness of their
>subjects. Unfortunately, unless you wish to be a subject, I don't yet have
>any
>subjects to provide me reason for indignation or praise. At least not any
>self-conscious subjects. Indeed, I sometimes suspect I am not really a
>Paisley
>Goddess at all, but methinks in truth such self-doubt results solely from the
>evil influence of so-called rationality. Besides, you aren't supposed to know
>that, unless First Priests are privy to the innermost feelings of their
>Goddesses, so pretend you never heard any of it...))
Do no despair oh Goddess I have believe in you ever since I ran across an
account of you in possibly one of the Pope's divine letters or perchance
one of the blessed Otisian Tracks. Simply you do not have enough
worshipers. Or simply you do not have enough worshipers who realize they
are worshiping you. Perhaps some divine biblical manifestation is in
order. Trumpets rolling across the sky. Booming thunder. Paisley
frolicking in the stratosphere. Voices from the Ether.
Perhaps you have become contaminated by living too close to the ways of us
foolish and incompetent mortals who can barely begin to grasp the great
cosmic all.
First Priests are supposed to know some things about their Goddess. After
all how can they preach to the masses unless they know their Goddess?
(then again how am I supposed to preach to the masses when Eris get's wind
of this. She's a rather fickle goddess ya know. Still I will persevere)
*****
>whatever you happen to be this week. Hmmm (being a deity can be tough
>work)...how about this: Life is the curve of a paisley tail, wagging like
>a tadpole's (never mind if tadpole tails don't wag. Wags tell tales, and
>that's sufficient justification. And all parenthetical expressions that
>make truths hard to comprehend are, of course, integral to them...) in the
>river of anti-time (something like anti-ma matter, if it matters).
Ah a divine utterance from your no doubt holy and blessed mouth. Praise be
the Paisley!
And so fitting to. Ah when I was but a youth I like many others of my day
would go down to our local swamp [which happened to be at the end of the
street]. We'd walk barefoot of course on the hot summer day staining our
feet with the mulberries [or what ever fruit that weird tree had] as we
walked down the street. [Mom would always have a fit when you came home
with purple feet.] We'd bring bucket and mason jars and in the swamp pools
collect tad poles. Even a young age I was fascinated by that Paisley shape
[blessed be the divine Paisley]. I'd collect many of them then bring them
home to watch them grow. I remember on my most successful attempt they
grew up to be almost frogs then they disappeared over night. I don't know
where they went but they were gone. Perhaps they slipped into the
anti-time river.
****
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 91 10:49:01 pdt
From: hclausse@weber.UCSD.EDU (Heether)
Subject: Re: Now's your chance
Ah, my priest is worthy of the name indeed--blessed by thy twistedness,
for thou art taking more care of my cause than I (her paisleyness has a
hard time keeping things, like her mission, straight, this being part of
the paisley nature)...
Firstly, if thou so wishes, it might be good to inform the world that thou
art the First (or whatever number seems choicest at the time) and most
magnificently twisted (that should all be capitalized, but im not a good
typist so i'll leave it be for now) priest of the paisley goddess (priest
can, of course, be spelled many different ways). secondly--no, thirdly
(its much more fun to count out of order)--all fake paisley proclamations
are real paisley proclamations when spoken by the priestly MAL, so feel
free to randomly assert anything I say as the sacred word of paisley. Or
anything else you deem fitting (as long as the fit isn't too tight-- tight
things constrain one, or even two, which is not desirable...) ...
Fifteenthly--some words of dubious wisdom to twist (or ignore) as thou so
chooses: Those who worship the paisley cause shall do their best to avoid
keeping things straight at all times. The most correct order is out of
order (and signs on coke machines or other such things saying 'out of
order' should immediately be venerated as signifiers of the holiest
state). All participants in paisley rituals shall wear paisley
underclothes and ritually prepare themselves with asymmetrical expressions
on their faces. The drawing of paisleys on pristine surfaces is the next
highest form of worship, but only when its out of order. Tadpoles, being
paisleys incarnate, are sacred--no paisley aspirant shall eat tadpoles,
not even on special occasions. Any occasion involving paisleys is
special; all special occasions involve paisleys.
And now the goddess must pretend to be mortal again--but more thoughts
shall be sent as (if) she thinks them...
Many nicely curved blessings, O Greatly Paisleyed Mal--
P.G.
===========================================================================
Big Humorous Thingie
===========================================================================
From: VAX001::BEEBA "Romans 8:28" 26-APR-1991 23:13:13.60
Subj: humor 97
From: VAX001::WINS%"djm1@Ra.MsState.Edu" 26-APR-1991 18:18:30.49
Subj: humor97
From: djm1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Don Mabry)
Subject: humor97
humor97
Two Vampire bats are in their cave, and they both wake up early, before
the sun has set. The first bat says, "I'm really hungry. In fact, I'm
completely starving. What about you?" The second bat says, "Yeah, me too.
But it's still light out ... we'll have to wait until the sun goes down."
A few minutes pass, and the two bats are as bored as hell. Eventually, the
first bat says, "Well, I don't care. I'm so hungry that I'm going out
anyway, even if the sun *is* up." The second bat says, "Well, OK, but I'll
stay here. If you find anything, let me know, eh?"
The first bat lets go of the ceiling, and flaps out of the cave. Only a
minute passes, and he flaps back in, and comes back. There's blood all
over his face, dripping off his fangs, smeared on his fur ... everywhere.
The second bat says, "Oh wow! Looks like you found something then! Where
is it?"
The first bat squints and points outside. "You see that tree over there?"
"Yeah?!" "Well, I didn't ...."
---------------------------------------------------
[Editors Note: Anyone want to take a shot at answering/commenting on all
these things? It would make a swell edition to the next Purps.]
sayings..............
What is Life? It's the cereal Mikey likes.
What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his
way?
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
What soon grows old? Gratitude.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five cent bagel.
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
What we learn from history is that we do not learn from history.
What will a nice girl do? She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
What's all this brouhaha?
What's done to children, they will do to society.
What's so funny?
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland.
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
When a fellow says "It isn't the money, it's the principle of the thing" -
it's the money."
When a hammer is the only tool, every problem looks like a nail.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee
them.
When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
When in doubt, follow your heart.
When in doubt, lead trump.
When in doubt, leave out the adjective.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.
When in doubt, take all the defaults.
When it rains, it pours.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
When the plane you're on is late, the plane you need to transfer to is on
time.
When the sun shineth, make hay.
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
When working a problem, it helps to know the answer.
When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are used to never being alone, you may consider yourself
Americanized.
When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.
When you finally discover all of Life's answers, they'll change the questions.
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you mention something, if it's bad, it happens, if it's good, it goes
away.
When you're in command, command.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where the hell is Wall Drug?
Where there's a whip there's a way.
Which is not a complete sentence, but merely a subordinate clause.
While there's life, there's hope.
Who cares anyway?
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Who to himself is law no law doth need, offends no law, and is a king indeed.
Why are there no blue M&M's?
Why do we study poverty instead of wealth?
Why do you have so much quickness of movement if not to avoid responsibility?
Why does love have to be so sad?
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?
Will had a fortune the other day, but he forgot it.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wise man see more from bottom of well than fool from mountain top.
Wise man see more from mountain top than fool from bottom of well.
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
Words are the voice of the heart.
Words have a longer life than deeds.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
Wow! I could've had a V/8!
Write all adverbial forms correct.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet.
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
You always find something in the last place you look, unless it's not there.
You are a bundle of energy always on the go.
You are a singer who has to take any note above A with your eyebrows.
You are a very redundant person; that's what kind of person you are,
redundant.
You are always busy.
You are an insult to my intelligence! I demand that you log off immediately.
You are being watched. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You are capable of planning your future.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are connected t&%&ibp*l an error free line.
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
You are fair-minded, just and loving.
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
You are fast approaching your level of incompetence.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
You are in a maze of twisty little programs, all alike.
You are in a twisting maze of little passages, all different.
You are lustworthy.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery.
You are so narrowminded you can see through a keyhole with two eyes.
You are standing on my toes.
You are taking advantage of the good nature of a friend. Be careful.
You are taking yourself too seriously.
You are too narrowminded if you can see through a keyhole with both eyes.
You are truly a rhinestone in the rough.
You are unscrupulously dishonest, false, and deceitful.
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme
stupidity.
You auto buy now.
You can be replaced by this computer.
You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.
You can't change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty
minutes.
You can't cheat the phone company.
You can't even cut the cheese.
You can't fool me--there ain't no sanity clause.
You can't get there from here.
You can't get to Heaven on roller skates.
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly--only sooner than she thought you would.
You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't even get out of the game.
You cannot antagonize and influence at the same time.
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot see farther than others by standing on the feet of giants.
You cannot see the wood for the trees.
You cannot succeed by criticizing others.
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
You do well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is
involved.
You don't buy the beer in this pub - you just rent it!
You don't give a damn about apathy.
You don't have mail.
You don't know what you want, and are willing to go through hell to get it.
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
You dream of things that aren't and ask "why not?".
You enjoy the company of other people.
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You get what you pay for.
You hate mail.
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
You have a massage. (From the Swedish prime minister.)
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
You have a truly strong individuality.
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You have an important role as a negative example.
You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have fallen so far behind, there is no reason to log in.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
You have mail.
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
You have no real enemies.
You have only a very small head and must live within it.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
You haven't a single redeeming vice.
You humans are all alike.
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
You know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
You love peace.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
You may already be a wiener!
You may now log in to life. Password:
You might have mail.
You need not worry about your future.
You never find an article until you replace it.
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
You now have Asian Flu.
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
You say that now, but try chewing a child the next time you're car sick.
You say things with your eyes that others waste time putting into words.
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
You should hardly ever equivocate.
You should use contraceptives at every conceivable occasion.
You shouldn't touch a pig unless it hasn't been in the mud.
You still need the last file you removed.
You tread upon my patience.
You used to be indecisive. Now you're not sure.
You want a fortune? I'll give you a fortune. "Blech!"
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize--posthumously.
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
You will be invited to dine with many important people. Once.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
You will be squirrely today.
You will be successful in love.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be surrounded by luxury.
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
You will be where you most desire to be in a short while.
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
You will die of terminal acne.
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will find what is not last and enter where there are no doors.
You will forget that you ever knew me.
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
You will gain money by an illegal or immoral action.
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
You will have a flat tire before the end of the month.
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
You will have a long and boring life.
You will have a long and healthy life.
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
You will inherit millions of dollars.
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
You will know happy motorcyclist by the bug stains on his teeth.
You will live by the side of the road and help some pilgrim along life's way.
You will live to see your grandchildren.
You will lose an important file.
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
You will never know hunger.
You will not be elected to public office this year.
You will outgrow your usefulness.
You will outlive those who seek to destroy you.
You will pass away very quickly.
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
You will receive a legacy that will place you above want.
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
You will soon forget this.
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
You will soon meet a stranger who will become your friend.
You will soon meet a strangler who will become your fiend.
You will spend the rest of your life in the future.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will survive the conflagration.
You will triumph over your enemy.
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
You will wish you hadn't.
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
You'll be sorry.
You'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
You're at Witt's End.
You're my hero!
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.
Your aim is high and to the right.
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
Your business will assume vast proportions.
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
Your disk will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Your enemies are closing in.
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
Your kindness and generosity cause envy in a powerful person nearby.
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
Your love life will be interesting.
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
Your most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless.
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
Your mouth works faster than your brain. You say things you haven't even
thought.
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
Your present plans will be successful.
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Your resume will be used on the "Tonight Show" monologue.
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
Your step will soil many countries.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising
manner.
Your winning smile is your greatest asset.
Your work is very poor, but at least it's slow.
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
===========================================================================
THE ENDING... MAL SPEAKS...
===========================================================================
Okay I want to draw this to a close with some final remarks. I got like
an hour or so to finish up so I can afford to be a might long winded. I
thought of publishing some addresses here for stuff but that can wait. No
time for saying stuff about them.
Well as you might have heard/guessed I'm going to be taking charge of
Purps for the summer. Hopefully, I will be able to continue to pump out
Purps at a rate of one every two weeks or so. Hopefully, there will be
enough people around to read them. If not I'll simply have to go out there
and find more. Being an Otisian (which I suppose I must be seeing as I
seem to be at the helm at the moment) is not some passive thing. One has
to get out there and do. We always can use more recruits. More fuel for
the fire.
So far I've been rather impressed by what's been done with Purps. It's
more than just a junk mail list. It has something to it and I hope somehow
it can continue.
Okay enough sappiness. My address in case you cared is barker@acc.fau.edu.
Send all you comments and critizism that way and I'll do my best to answer
them in between servering the Paisley Goddess and various other Divine
entities.
In the future you'll be able to look forward to the continuation of the
Reverend's and my story and maybe some stories from other folks out there
if they ever manage to get their act in gear. Maybe you'll even get to
learn the truth about Doc Savage though that needs to be cleared with the
inner circle first.
I don't know.. what else to say. It's here and it's done. I'm sorry it's
not exactly what I wanted it to be. I just didn't have the time. You see,
evil Spirits of a most UnPaisley Nature managed to croak our entire file
system which I had to rebuild from scratch over the weekend. It was a most
unsporting tactic to pull on me, but hopefully in the future I will be
protected from such attacks. Ah but I'm used them. Midnight hit and runs
by the MIBS. Killer Mickey Mice--eight foot tall steel monstrosities
concieved by the reconstituted mind of poor Walt Disney who is now a
witless slave to the very forces of evil which seek to take control of
this earth.
Laser beam attacks from the Antichrist. You name it, it's happened.
Hmm I'll have to talk about the infamous SBI some time too for that
matter. Fun fun.
Well I hope I have enough material to keep folks entertained over the
summer. I'll archive these files somewhere or something so those of you
who return from school after the summer will be able to get back on track
of things.
If not, maybe this will be your last encounter with Mal. Who knows.
SO MOTE IT BE.
===========================================================================
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
===========================================================================
--SBI Subink 1991
