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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 1
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #1
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"Why Does it Look Like a Magazine?" REPLIES TO:
PURPS%vax004.decnet@vax001.kenyon.edu
________________________________________________________________
SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction
News
OTISian Rambelings
Other Rambelings
The List
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INTRODUCTION
(Or some such)
Why DOES it look like a magazine? Don't know, really, whim,
I guess..... Anyway, welcome to the first official mailing of
"THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE.DIS", the only electronic
mailing list on campus NOT run by aliens.
First things first: You're getting this because you have not
expresedly told me you want off the list (evil thoughts headed
my direction do not work, by the way). You're not stuck with it
forever, however, nor, by accepting it have you signed any
contract. If you want off at any time, let me know, and, in a
similar vein, if you know anyone who wants ON send them my
way, too. The more people the better (Hail Spode!)! In fact,
we've already ventured out on to "The Net" (see "The List" later
in this issue) and I anticipate this thing spreading completely
out of control as soon as THOSE people start forwarding it
around.
Second things second: Dips.dis, as some of you remember it,
largely consisted of the deranged rambelings of Mr. Mike Dow.
That's all there was to it. I am no enemy of deranged rambelings
(there will be at least two in this issue), but I'd like to
expand the format somewhat. For example, I'm going to start
dropping news items of interest in these pages, as well as
interesting things that I've managed to swipe from the Net
(assuming they allow themselves to be reprinted (we wouldn't want
to break the law now, WOULD we?). Secondly, I'd like to open
this thing up to submissions from you all (the members of the
list). PLEASE drop me interesting mail messages to post here. I
suspect I am not the only rambler on campus (or, at least I
certainly don't want to LOOK like the only one), so lets hear
from you all too. The basic format for both these things is
WEIRD. Weird, weird, weird. The Weirder the better. Aside from
that, anything goes.
Lastly, in good keeping with the previous quirky nature of
Dips., rest assured, gentle reader, that my own rantings and
ravings will continue to whiz their electronic way to you.
Welcome, then to The_Purple_Thunderbolt_of_Spode. Hail and
well met. May we continue to enjoy each other's company here.
HAIL OTIS. J.
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News
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PURPS.STUFF
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE BBS?
The Purp/chat BBS is still in the works. I have been officially
invited to go talk about it, now (in a bureaucracy, that's real
progress {:-) ) I expect an answer soon. A lot of you purple
people, however, seems to be getting, well, a tad FRUSTRATED at
the length of time this operation was taking, so I threw caution
into the wind and went ahead with a di.mailing. Besides, why be
a cog when you can be a monkey wrench? {:-)
WHAT DO THESE: {:-) MEAN?
They're smiley faces (mine wear a toupee), now stop asking. On
the Net they are necessary. Here at Kenyon they can be ignored.
If he does this: {:-0, he's astonished.
Other Facial expressions and their meanings:
<:-) Pointy hat
{:-* Struck mute or too many lemons
=:> Butch haircut
{:-( Unhappy
{:-| Unimpressed, blah, so what?
{:-\ Bored
{:-) 3 Female (for those of you who though that was
tasteless, I DID have something planned with the
ampersand
{|-) Squinting
{X-) Drunk?, Dead?
{8-) Cool shades, huh?
{:g) Fingers slipped...
Hope you all had the imagination to appreciate that.
OTISIAN NEWS
None this week. Sorry about that. OTISian News is normally the
Multi-media part of this extravaganza it can be read here and
HEARD every Friday night sometime between 10:00pm and Midnight on
WKCO 91.9 in Gambier, OH.
OTHER NEWS
BOSTON GLOBE, 8/22/90 p. 48
Suffused with humanitarian concern, Italian legislator and
ex-porno star Illona Staller volunteered to fling woo with Iraqi
leader Saddam Hussein on the theory that a birthday suit frolic
might relieve his hostilities. "I'm available to make love with
Hussein to achieve peace in the Middle East," said Staller in a
statement as immodest and forward as the on-screen conduct that
made her a star. Known as Cicciolina, or "Little Toy," Staller
volunteered herself during an interview on a Buenos Aires talk
show. Why Staller was in Argentina and why she believes that
romantic deprivation may account for Saddam's invasion of Kuwait
were not made clear in wire service reports.
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OTISIAN RANTS
_________________________________________________________________
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything
will be revealed!)
THIS SECTION IS DEDICATED TO OTIS AND OTISIANISM. WHO IS OTIS?,
YOU ASK. WHAT IS OTISIANISM? WELL, BABY PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR
MIND BLOWN!
From a letter the "House" sent out some time ago.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!!
THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF FRUITCAKES
POB 235
WILLIAMSTOWN, MA 01267-0235 USA
Greetings Faithful Followers! Hail and Well Met On All
(Significantly) FOUR Points of the Compass! Where is that
Cheque You Promised US?--
We at the House have received, over the last few months, so
many letters from followers totally confused (Praise SPODE!)
about the purpose of this House that we have finally caved in and
decided to clarify just who we are and what we do (PRAISE
LOTUS!). The result is the attached document.
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY MAILBOX????!!!!!????"
(A brief, but Helpful Guide to OTIS Worship for Beginners)
Hello. We're the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes; the
only FULLY REGISTERED OTIS worshiping organization in
existence and THE LAST TRUE faith on this PATHETIC little
planet.
So far, that short statement has appeared on every one of
our mailings. It's catchy, but, unfortunately, not terribly
descriptive. Who, after all, is OTIS? For that matter, why do
we call ourselves [the] "Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes" And
just what does "pathetic" mean?
Let's take it from the top, shall we?
WHO IS OTIS?
OTIS is the main god/dess we worship. (S)he is at the head
of our pantheon. OTIS is an ancient god/dess of life. His/her
worship started about 2,000 years before Christ, making him/her
one of the oldest god(desse)s in existence. OTIS worship
originated in ancient Sumeria, survived in cult form in the Roman
empire, and was squashed by the Christians during the "witch
hunts" of the 15th century. It remained that way until we
resurrected it (with our own peculiar modifications) during the
1980's. As you may have already guessed, OTIS is neither male
nor female. His/her symbol is four arrows going in opposite
directions with the top arrow seperate and the other three
joined. No one is sure what this means. Frankly Tim and I made
it up because it looked nice. OTIS is the god/dess of life.
Everything alive is in the dominion of OTIS. Everything not
alive is also in OTIS' dominion, largely because that's the way
(s)he wanted it, and we had a long night and were in no mood to
argue the finer points of metaphysics. OTISians believe that
OTIS will come at RAGNAROCK (the Appoclypse) and set everyone
straight. Those who have not worshiped him/her at that point are
in deep doodoo. Therefore, it is our mission to keep the faith
alive, and in the process save as many souls as possible. OTIS
is also a vain god/dess. Hence, his/her name always appears in
capital letters, and every time we mention it we have to do
this... PRAISE OTIS!! (PRAISE OTIS!!).
RIGHT! SO WHAT IS OTIS WORSHIP?
The worship of OTIS is not, in our humble opinion, very
demanding. There's no fasting, no involved ceremonies, and no
funky dress code. The religion is run by Preacher Tim and myself
(Pope Geof I of the IGHF). Every week we choose a sacred object
of worship. This object may never have been worshiped before and
cannot have appeared in "Time" magazine. The object is
celebrated in a two color (read "black and white") xerox collage,
which we mail to all members of the House, and anyone else who
wants one. This object is worshiped for a week by our followers
and then ignored thereafter.
There are almost no rules in the worship of OTIS. One of
our mottoes is "Everything forbidden is optional (do what we
would not have thou do shall be the whole of the law)" and we
stick by it. Our Dogma, however, is as follows. Memorize it and
obey it for quiz which will be held at Ragnarock:
DOGMA
1. Ignore Previous Dogma
2. We Have no Dogma, You Should Have Known. Shame, shame.
3. Everything Forbidden is Optional; Do What We Would Not
Have Thou Do Shall be the Exception to the Law
4. Send us Money!
WHO ARE THE OTHER GODS?
There are FOUR major gods, including OTIS, that we, as
OTISians, pay homage to. The others are as follows:
LOTUS: The ancient Taiwanese god of Peace, Lotus has been
worshiped almost as long as OTIS.
ROTUS is the god of Death. Rotus has no history because we
made him up. He was worshipped rather extensively in a small
liberal arts collage in the North East before we borrowed him.
SPODE is one of our most popular gods. Spode is the ancient
Celtic god of Confusion, whose modern worship was repressed by
the English in Ireland as late as the eighteenth century. Even
today, some Scott's get drunk in Spode's name. As the ancient
god of confusion, Spode's mission is to spread as much confusion
as possible, especially about himself. This is why all of the
above is lies.
There are also four bad gods; Blix, Grbl, Vootie and Wayne
(the deities of Pain, Suffering, Disease, and New Jersey,
respectively) and the Anti-Otis, the notorious "B. Otis, Too"
(terribly evil god and remarkably snappy dresser), who leads the
evil Zachinthian conspiracy to usurp OTIS and rule the universe.
(The Zachinthains were originally the members of a lost continent
like Atlantis who successfully fled to safety and continue to
weave their evil plans).
Finally, there are many miscellaneous gods. A partial list
follows:
Heether- Goddess of Paisley
Creiza- Goddess of Editing
Reiod- God of Plaid
Ted- God of Normalcy
Arani- OTIS' Bisexual Consort, the Divine Concubine
St. Simpson- A Saint Who Understands All the Rules of
Gammer
St. Simpson the Other- A Saint Who Refuses to Tell Me What
She has Done to Justify the Title.
God X- The God of Comparative Shopping
John- God/dess of mediocracy
and many more...
WHAT ABOUT THE NUMBER FOUR?
Four is the sacred number of OTIS. After all, how many
letters are there in his/her name?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WHAT OTHERS SAY ABOUT OTISIANISM
"More than just this year's religion (although it's that, too)"--
Rodney Griffith, HII
"One of the funniest things to crawl out from under a rock in
weeks"-- Fred L. Pagie
"Send them a buck or five and SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU"-- Mike
Gunderloy (Factsheet Five, capitals mine)
"These people are so funny, I'm just going to reprint one of
their mailing in it's entirety"-- Gajoob maga
"You got you Eris, you got your Bob, you got your OTIS"--
Sasquatch
"Not really a threat to western civilization, but SHOULD be"--
David Satchel.
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OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
This week: another Moose Illuminatti thing-a mo-boob
and MORE! Subject: Prophecy
***The Vision***
On August 20, 1990, while sitting at work after being sick
all the week before and then staying out until 2:30 in the
morning dancing and carrying on the night before, and after far
too much coffee, the young, semi-reclusive m00se known only as
Sabre entered a reverie and was able to foretell...the *Signs of
Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age*! These
mystic, some would even say unlikely events passed through his
fatigue poison-soaked brain like rabbits through a kiln.
Feeling it was his duty to let his brethren know the signs
of the age of M00se, Sabre did place them in an electronic
medium, so that the Bavarians (who of course control the vital
YALEVM/CUNY link) would be too confused to properly restrict it.
Therefore, here are the beginnings of the Signs.
When the seas do turn red, and the skies indigo (in the
precise shades to insure lack of color coordination),
then will the forces from the stars run rampant across
our fair land. These forces -- the power of Leviam00se
and other m00sey types, will first visit a nearby
McDonald's for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese and fries,
side of nuggets, and a large Orange Drink.
Unfortunately, the all-powerful forces will attempt to
go through the drive-through, and lack of communication
will way lay them for a considerable amount of time.
Months, perhaps.
Meanwhile, Madonna will be looking out her veranda,
trying to decide what corset to wear to the neighborhood mall,
will be visited by God.
"Hello, Madonna," the Almighty will say.
"Yeah, what?" She will respond.
"I have come to you, my child, to call on you to bring
forth a message of hope and peace to the world."
"Right. Who is this really?"
"Look, I am God. Father, son, spook, the whole bit.
All I want from you is for you to go back to some
normal hair
color, put on some clothes, and go tell people to be
nice
to each other. You think you can handle that?"
"Look, I don't care how omnipotent you are, God,"
Madonna will say, pouting, "*I* have an image to
maintain, and it doesn't involve brown hair or decent
clothing. And there's no money in 'be nice to each
other.' Try Sheena Easton -- I hear she's a sucker for
a sappy line."
"Look, I'm trying to--"
"Buzz off!"
"Right!" And thus will God rise up, take Madonna up
into his all-powerful hand, and cast her down forever
into the pit of eternal damnation. This will be the
first sign.
"No," the impossibly mighty Leviam00se, ticked now, will
say, "I want a *QUARTER-POUNDER*! *CHEESE!!!!* Can you hear me?"
"Mmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm?" the voice from the
machine will ask.
"QUARTER-POUNDER!!!!!!!!"
Thor, mightiest of Norse deities, will visit North
America, and announce plans for a North American Tour. He will
make plans to do some Anthrax covers, and perhaps a bit of Black
Sabbath. When asked about the quality of his singing voice, Thor
will hurl his uru hammer Mjolner, obliterating Dan Rather utterly
and interfering with television reception across the tri-state
area. Then, as a gesture of faith, he will smite down the New
Kids on the Block, maiming but sparing them. The scarred and
rended New Kids will refuse to do any more magazine covers. This
will be the Second sign.
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From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Liberty, fraternity, Walter
Mitty" 23-SEP-1990 16:26:22.43
To: HOLDCRAF
CC:
Subj: IGHF
Egad! I have just had a most wondrous waking dream, a dream of
prophecy, wherein I saw a vision most wondrous, O most wondrous
indeed! And in that vision saw I you bowing down before the
"Pope" Geoffe (for that is his true Name indeed), and begging of
him for admittance to his House of Holiday Foods.
Because I have seen this thing, and because of the Knowledge
which I have been granted, I say unto you: Forswear this man,
this so-called "Pope", and cleanse yourself of his teachings!
For he is led astray by a gleeful Spode, and knows no longer what
he preaches. Alas, alas, that it should be so. But it is so,
and therefore exhort you I to renounce Geoffe and all his Foods,
and discover the TRUE faith of OTIS instead through the Screaming
Prophets of Otis Triumphant!
- Reverend Robb, Keeper of the Lemur Spirit
_________________________________-----------------------------
The MAILING LIST:
Here it is.
KNOW WHO YOU'RE SPEAKING TO:
None of You Are PREMITed to use it yet. Sorry, but that WILL
happen soon....
asaro
broadie
chadwick
fitzgera
gregory
hillv
holdcraf
hungerford
keeling
kinge
kleinsr
kurelljj
margaret
matusek
matzke
mcnally
model
neffa
nowell
pricea
schroeder
shutt
simpsons
stevensj
tino
tucker
waddell
whitcopf
zecchin
Liza
Mal
murray
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE #1
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
