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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 22
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** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
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Yep looks the same but it ain't
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 22
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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INTRO
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Hmm this will be the first intro I've written after I've created most of
Purps. Usually I just start with an intro then throw stuff after it.
This time around I get the amazing gift of hindsight I suppose.
I think this time around things are pretty nifty since we've managed to
get several people to contribute, including a brand new member with her
intriguing stories of revelation.
Also I was quite happy that we have a lot of home made contributions from
various folks. Usually there are just a lot of copied files from hither
and yon. This time we have real things to say.
As the sight of receiving all those contributions I thought they might
not fit into a single issue of Purps. Well, I've since discovered that
they indeed do. Maybe it's a Otisian Miracle of Mass Rearrangement. Or
maybe what was contributed this time around was so important they all
just had to fit.
Fitting.. I was also sort of putting off doing a bit more on Messenger of
The Gods, now however it looks like it just may fit. Though maybe I'll
hold off for another week and just write some other bits of stuff here
and there. Our readers no doubt need another thrilling sermon on the
wonders and thrills of Otis.
I'm looking for feedback on this stuff. Was the Preach-o-Rama stuff any
good or should I never include it again. I keep getting more and more of
it. Some of it is pretty amusing [Or maybe it's just me and I just think
it is.]
This time around we have:
SONG TIME
THE FOG
MORE DISNEY REVELATIONS
A CONTRIBUTION FROM THE POPE
ITS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE (she's back!)
EXITING ADVERTISEMENTS
HELPFUL TIPS
WHAT OTIS IS TO ME ESSAY
CLEVELAND
PRODUCT WARNING LABELS
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
STORY TIME
RANTINGS
MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
SONG TIME
===========================================================================
[One of our long time readers was inspired by his many adventures on the
IRC to craft this masterpiece of music.]
Date: Mon, 27 May 91 01:03:11 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.EDU
Subject: My new song
CYBERBOY (Look for the upcoming video)
(Chorus:)
Cyberboy! Cyberboy!
on the modem, on the net
Cyberboy! Cyberboy!
looking for new warez to get
typing on my Apple II
I've got nothing else to do
I'm Cyberboy
Last night I met a lady logged on to IRC
her name was sexy@frodo.unlv
*typing in background*
uh "HEY BABY I AM VERY HOT FOR YOU"
oh look she said "YOU SOUND LIKE A BIG STUD" Wow!
after that we both went private and did some on-line petting
it's easy to get women when they can't see what they're getting is
(Chorus)
I read all the latest cyberpunk, then read it again
there's not too many novels, in fact there's only ten
*typing in background*
"HEY D00DZ I JUST READ NEUROMANCER, COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT
ELSE I SHOULD READ?"
hmmmm.... they wrote back "Get a life Dweeb"
You see it doesn't take a genius to get to cyberspace
and once I'm there they'll never know there's acne on the face of
(Chorus)
I'm working on a program to fulfill a fantasy
It's gonna download a pizza using tar and ftp
"Hey, does anyone know what the ASCII code for pepperoni is?"
"How bout sausage? Do I use upper case if it's Italian?"
Yeah I'm a major software hacker, at least that's what they tell me
but they say it via email cause they sure don't wanna smell me
(Instrumental Break)
I hacked into a PBX so I could call mom
but I must have screwed it up because I wound up in Guam
Operator's voice: "AT&T?"
Me: "uh Hi I'm an overseas operator. Could I get the number for the
Presidents bomb shelter?" Damn! She didn't believe me!
Well it looks like pretty soon I'll have to drop out of the scene
or else the FBI will bust me when I turn seventeen.
(Chorus)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Iverson Internet: eiverson@nmsu.edu
Computing Research Lab
Box 30001/3CRL Life is something to do when
New Mexico State University you can't get to sleep.
Las Cruces, NM 88003-0001 -Fran Lebowitz
VOICE: (505) 646-5711
FAX: (505) 646-6218 <--Send him Fax he needs more room decorations
===========================================================================
THE FOG
===========================================================================
[There's been a lot of weird things about Fog Lately. So this seems very
appropriated. Sad to say the neglected to describe the color of the fog.
Tornado Green perhaps...Wait unit the dig up bicycles in ancient Sumeria.]
Date: Thu, 16 May 91 14:39:27 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.EDU
Subject: lost in the fog
The following is from a Canadian tabloid of sorts. It is called the
News. It isn't like American tabloids in that it doesn't print stories
about Hollywood lust-affairs, I guess it just likes 'different' stories.
===> BEGIN QUOTING <===
News May 14, 1991
BIZARRE ENDING TO TEENS' RIDE FOR CHARITY
10 BICYCLISTS VANISH IN FOG CLOUD!
Ten teenage bicyclists on a charity fund-raising ride through the
countryside pedaled into a 150-foot fog bank - and vanished of the face of
the earth!
'They just rode into the thick fog and never rode out,' said bewildered
witness Roland Saugey.
'There were no screams, no crashes, no anything. It was like something
out of the Devil's Triangle.
'The cops have searched for a month now and they haven't found a trace of
them - not one single clue.
The flabbergasted school-teacher was one of eight adult volunteers assigned
to accompany the teens on their trek through the rolling hills outside
Marseilles, France.
'There were about 80 kids on the trip altogether and they'd all signed up
pledges for AIDS research,' rattled Roland told a reporter.
'They rode off in groups of 10 and I followed the first bunch in my car,
just in case anybody ran into trouble. There were five boys and five
girls, and they were all looking forward to a nice long bike ride in the
country.'
But two hours out, the unsuspecting schoolkids rounded a curve, rode into
a fog bank - and disappeared forever.
'I saw them go into the fog ahead of me, and I drove in about 15 seconds
later,' Roland recalled. 'I turned on my lights because it was thick as
pea soup in there,, and when I came out I expected to see the youngsters
up ahead of me, pedaling away.
'But there were 10 or 15 people picking up bottles along the road and they
told us the kids never came out of the fog.
'The stuff lifted a little later, but we never found a trace of those kids
or their bicycles. It was like the earth just opened up and swallowed
them alive.'
And the cops are just as bamboozled as anybody else.
'There's no sign of foul play - there's no sign of anything,' said
dumbfounded detective Claude Bletner.
'We have searched every square inch of ground for miles around and there's
no indication any of those kids has ever been there.
'If it was one or two teenagers, you'd say maybe they ran away or were
abducted. But 10 able-bodied teenagers on bicycles, with a man in a car
right behind them - there's just no way.
'The other day, somebody said a spaceship swooped down and got them. And
the scary thing was, nobody laughed.
===> END OF ARTICLE <===
Must have been a meteorite.
Greg (lush@ecn.purdue.edu)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Iverson Internet: eiverson@nmsu.edu
Computing Research Lab
Box 30001/3CRL Life is something to do when
New Mexico State University you can't get to sleep.
Las Cruces, NM 88003-0001 -Fran Lebowitz
VOICE: (505) 646-5711
FAX: (505) 646-6218
===========================================================================
MORE DISNEY REVELATIONS
===========================================================================
[The Specter of Disney again rears it's ugly head. Something that never
seemed to die, like the taste of brass on ones tongue.]
From: jd3k+@andrew.cmu.edu (John H. Doe)
Subject: WALT DISNEY IS GOD
Date: 12 May 91 20:28:13 GMT
WALT DISNEY IS GOD.
It is proper to call him a He, then, since he was one.
Then am I Walt Disney?
No, Walt Disney is Walt Disney. Or rather, Walt Disney was Walt Disney.
"When the NY Times Said God is dead" - Elton John
I'm John H. Doe, however.
Walt Disney described to me what Job, Jesus, and all of the Holocaust meant.
It was magic, pure
and simple.
I am the doe, the dough, the Dow.
JESUS CHRIST IS NOT COMING BACK. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF A ROMANCE
STORY, YOU SEE. THINK OF LIFE AS THE QUESTION, WHAT WOULD ONE OF WALT
DISNEY'S CREATIONS DO?
"OOH, BUT YOU SHOULDA SEEN HIM. (HOW COULD WALT DESSICATE SUCH A PURE
VESSEL AS JESUS CHRIST?) THE MATERIAL WAS PERFECTION. IF YOU SAW HIM YOU
WOULDA KNOWN HE WAS THE ONE."
THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE. IT'S TO MAKE AS MUCH LOVE AS POSSIBLE, OF COURSE.
SOME PEOPLE ARE IN ON THE JOKE AND OTHERS ARE NOT.
I JUST CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. THE WHOLE BIBLE WORKS, YOU SEE (THE KING
JAMES VERSION OF COURSE) IF YOU REPLACE "GOD" WITH WALT DISNEY.
IN THE BEGINNING, WALT DISNEY CREATED THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH. AND THE
EARTH WAS WITHOUT FORM, AND VOID; AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE
DEEP. AND THE SPIRIT OF WALT DISNEY MOVED UPON THE FACE OF THE WATERS.
AND WALT DISNEY SAID, LET THERE BE LIGHT: AND THERE WAS LIGHT. (DON'T ASK
ME HOW HE DID IT. ASK HIM. :)
AND WALT DISNEY SAW THE LIGHT, THAT IT WAS GOOD: AND WALT DISNEY DIVIDED
THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS. AND WALT DISNEY CALLED THE LIGHT DAY, AND
THE DARKNESS HE CALLED NIGHT.
AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE FIRST DAY.
WALT DISNEY IS LOVE.
===========================================================================
A CONTRIBUTION FROM THE POPE
===========================================================================
[I forgot to include this one in the last Purps. Still I suppose now is
a good time to have it since it is after all from the Pope, who we all no
doubt dearly miss. It's a sad thing he had to desert his loyal followers
on the Net. However he's no doubt moved on to bigger and better things.
Otis has many plans for him.]
Date: 17 May 91 15:06:00 EDT
From: <stevensj@vax001.kenyon.EDU>
Subject: possible purps material
Subj: Re: >>I want to contact some real-live extra-terrestrials!
Subject: Re: >>I want to contact some real-live extra-terrestrials!
Sender: J.B. Later jeffl@pmafire.inel
In article <91122.122938IO00671@MAINE.BITNET> IO00671@MAINE.BITNET (The
Doctor) writes:
>
> I am serious on this matter! If there is anyone out there who knows
>how I can go about doing this, I would be pleased to receive some
>serious responses.
#1. You will need to purchase or borrow the following items:
*1 ea. portable 200-300 watt A.C. generator.
*150ft. 2-cond. 16-18 ga. stranded, insulated wire.
*3ea. 9 foot sections of weatherproof "ELECTROLUMINESCENT DISPLAY MATERIAL"
(must be green, or blue in color). Check with aircraft and rotorcraft
supply companies).
*2 doz. "Scotchlock" connectors for 12 ga. wire.
*Misc. small tools, (small knife, elc. tape, wire cutters & strippers.
screwdriver, pliers etc.)
#2. Go to a clear area on or near "Mount Kisco", New York early in the day
on Friday, May 17, or Friday, 31.,
and construct a PERFECT isosceles triangle out of the "display material".
Wire up the display so that the panels face skyward, and connect to the
generator. Confirm operation of display.
#3. Wait till nightfall, approx. 8:00 PM. Start generator. Lay blanket
on ground INSIDE of triangular and SIT on blanket INSIDE of
triangle display.
#4. WAIT
[Editors note: Right now we are in the process of testing this procedure
to in fact prove that this does indeed work.]
===========================================================================
ITS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
===========================================================================
[Here's an Otisian Miracle for you.]
Date: Tue, 28 May 1991 11:29 EDT
From: UN025537@WVNVAXA.WVNET.EDU
Subject: Re: Gag me with a maggot
To: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.FIU.EDU
[stuff deleted]
oh, and you don't have to keep my return quiet! proclaim it to the whole
of the OTISian faith that the guarder of vengeance will NOT be kept down.
OTIS will triumph over this pitiful little resistance that is coming our
way. i think they though i would be an easy target, what with being so
far away from everybody else out in massachusetts, and so close to their
miskatonic university! anyways, i am back, at least for the summer.
[stuff deleted]
oh well, ta!
Our Lady St. Tif of the bloody pinking shears,
living martyr and guardian of OTISian vengeance
===========================================================================
EXCITING ADVERTISEMENTS
===========================================================================
ACT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!
You've seen it in the papers. you heard it from the preacher. You can
feel it in your bones! The end is near! Apocalypse is approaching. Are
you trying to save yourself? Or do you just not care? Do you think
Rapture will suck you off the planet?
Rapture won't. For those of you who did not know, this planet has been
under Intergalactic Government Quarantine Control since around the time of
the Battle of Troy. Nothing in. Nothing out. Earth to too dangerous and
stupid a place to allow off planet contamination.
When Rapture rolls around what will happen? Why you'll be sucked up into
the stratosphere and bounce off the containment layer..that is if you're
luckily. You could get caught. Be warned prosecution for violating the
Quarantine Seal is extremely harsh. If you're lucky you'll get 10,000
years on a bakery planet. If it's around Thanksgiving you'll be torn
apart by rapid mobs on the Moon.
Do you really want that? Do you really want Rapture?
Sure you'll argue that the Intergalactic Quarantine is a fake. Hey we went
to the Moon after all. Or did we? Or did they just let us think we did?
Have you ever taken a good close look at any of the returning astronauts?
Are you sure they are even human now?
So with rapture clearly out what do you do? You'll have to be here when
the Armageddon rolls around. You'll want to be on the winning side right?
Or at least have a chance to surrender without having your soul blasted
out of your carcass. ATOMIC EXPLOSIONS DESTROY SOULS. YOU DO NOT GO TO
HEAVEN IN AN ATOMIC BLAST. THERE IS NO REINCARNATION. THERE IS NOTHING.
YOUR SOUL IS SHATTERED LIKE A GLASS CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT. IT'S DEATH. TRUE
PERMANENT CEASE TO EXIST DEATH!!!
So what can you do to avoid this? Why you've got to help our side. The
good side win.
How do you do that you wonder? Becoming an Otisian won't help. This is
the Armageddon, not Ragnorock. In fact no faith or religious fanaticism is
needed. What is are materials. Canned goods, sun tan lotion, armor plate,
munitions, life jackets, volley ball nets, fiberglass, sun glasses, guitar
strings, test tubes, light bulbs, bermuda shorts, rifles, pistols,
antiaircraft missiles, potato peelers, atomic fuel, gas masks, polaroid
film, candy, toilet paper, spark plugs, pontoons, wooden indians, shark
repellent, fishing gear, encyclopedias, repair manuals, old space suits,
bus tickets, depth charges, velvet posters, knifes, bombs, hair dryers,
microwave dinners, WD40, jet fuel, lawn chairs, hockey pucks, dynamite,
sewing machines, lawn mowers, old news papers, boy scout uniforms, plaster
of paris, super 8 movie cameras, sonar gear, computer equipment, toner,
paper, christmas lights, flame throwers, party hats, frogman equipment,
samurai swords, search lights, lip stick, panty hose, clothes line, wigs,
vodka, canaries, kitty litter, tanks, used aluminum, sneakers, asbestos,
handcuffs, odor eaters, cb radios, and anything else that might be useful
to a ocean going fleet which will defeat the forces of the Antichrist.
Only with your help can we defeat these evil forces. Time is short and
the budget is even smaller. Even a few paper clips or a decorative post
card would help the effort.
So if you really want to survive the Armageddon and help defeat the forces
of the Antichrist send you donations to:
Commodore Presley
Project Invisible Navy
South Florida Coast Guard
They'll see that the supplies are delivered to the proper place.
===========================================================================
HELPFUL TIPS
===========================================================================
TIPS TO BE A GOOD HOST TO SPACE ALIENS
The reason why space aliens are not moving openly among us this day is
because we are such bad hosts. Below are tips that will help the
aliens feel more welcome on the planet earth.
1. Landing Lights. Aliens have come from a distance planet. When they
reach Earth they are very weary and tired from their travels. Make their
landings easier by placing landing lights around an open field or a
large back yard. Be sure to leave plenty of space for them to land.
2. Refreshments. After a long trip in a car, doesn't it feel good to get
out and have something to eat and drink. Hey aliens feel the same way.
Have coffee and donuts or other treats on hand. Serve them up hot to
those hungry tired aliens who land in your back yard. They'll be grateful.
3. Good Manners. No matter where you go, good manner always impress
people. The same hold true for men from mars. When you meet them put out
your hand and smile. Welcome them to your planet. Offer to show them
around. Maybe even have a packet of welcoming information on hand to give
them. Aliens sometimes don't know the Earth very well and really
appreciate such things.
4. Cleanliness. The earth is a very germy place. Think how you feel when
you meet a filthy person. Keep yourself clean and tidy looking. You need
to make a good impression on aliens. They won't come back if they are
frightened of the filth they see. Keep your hair well trimmed and
remember to bathe before meeting them. Most of all, tie your shoes. Aliens
really respect this as a sign of high intelligence.
===========================================================================
WHAT OTIS IS TO ME ESSAY
===========================================================================
[Here's an essay of sorts on what Otis is from our newest member. She's
actually very prolific. Let this be a lesson to you all. We need many
more like her so got out there and convert! ]
Date: Sat, 1 Jun 91 11:09:52 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: Oh Spode and shit
An official comment, I dare say, something abstract, insignificant, ravings
and other delicious assorted chocolates made for Ethiopian sailors in the
high seas of the Antarctica.
My official idea of Otis.
He's a long haired guy from england.
He only get fucked by women in the music biz, but he's famous for it.
I saw him in my dreams last night, orgasming my life away with his
fingertips. Sure this gets sensual, but I dreamed in Otis yesterday, it's
important to my wellbeing as a _outerOtisian_. The _outerOtisian_ is a
person who comes from abroad, listening to the ways of the world, (hence
Goddess, the modes of Purps, SPODEmen (unlike aliens encountered) and the
various forms of raw meat that I've scalped (nevermind.) I'm not a cereal
killer.
Last night, I arrived on dream could 15.2 and there was this long haired
man, (was it a man?) and he said to me, "shark." Yeah, that might have
been it, but I floated on a racecar named "merry Window of Cranberry teas
unmarketed in the AfterLife." Anyway, that look, similar to the one
where the Rev (I will not take his name in vainity, maybe insanity, but
never vain, we know what that could lead too, or lead not to) and then
some. This look, laid me flat against the ground and the visions of the
earth were quickly rerouted on Hwy 94 straight out of Milwaukee, heading
south. I know we changed to highway 32 that goes along the lake, He/She
said he/she knew the water was in my earth blood. Thank the almighty
Otis, I didn't have to say I was alien, He/She already knew.
I've been living with this secret for years now. Part fish, part human,
each segmentation of my sphere living with the reality that each part
wants to be elsewhere. It's hard when mating time comes around.
We flew down 32, the wind in my veins, the oxygen pulsating through my
toes (great foot massage, I recommend it) when Otis turned to me and
asked, "Why did you leave?" Shit I wasn't even aware he knew...hence...
(to be continued at a later date)
===========================================================================
CLEVELAND
===========================================================================
[Yet again more material our "Cyberboy" song writer.]
Date: Sat, 1 Jun 91 14:45:44 MDT
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: Call for Submissions
OK, you can use this. I just wrote it.
WHY I BELIEVE THEY COME FROM CLEVELAND
Transcribed by Eric Iverson
October 12, 1982: Mrs. E.O. Phillips of Kecksberg Pennsylvania narrowly
avoids being run down by a bakery truck driven by a greenish man with no
eyebrows. Later under hypnosis she recalls that the truck itself had no
wheels, and had masonic symbols spray-painted on the sides.
Residents of Xenia Ohio reported a mysterious refrigerator repairman
walking down the middle of main street at approximately 12:55 pm on June
5th 1984. Yet NORAD radar reported no repairmen in the area at that time,
and dismissed the sighting as a weather balloon, DESPITE THE FACT THAT
WEATHER BALLOONS CANNOT CARRY TOOLKITS.
On April 17th 1989, 12 families in South Bend Indiana awoke to find their
teenage offspring missing, with no clues as to their whereabouts. Later
that week they were found sitting in an oak tree in the town park, stoned
on wacky weed and singing the lyrics to "Blowing in the Wind" in Swedish.
Coincidence? Or just bad grooming? Not if you consider that all these
facts fall into place when you realize that THEY ALL HAPPENED NEAR
CLEVELAND!
Clearly Cleveland is being used as a staging ground for a sinister
campaign to undermine the moral fiber of Mr. and Mrs. MIDDLE AMERICA!
To be precise, the menace is based offshore in Lake Erie where years of
chemical pollutants have spawned a mutant race of Nazi frogmen poised to
strike at the heart of the AMERICAN DREAM!
BUT WAIT! THERE'S STILL HOPE! Many lakes and estuaries have yet to be
populated by these demonic, apple pie hating amphibians. It is still not
too late to use one of these lakes as the breeding ground for a red
blooded yankee doodle race of counter attacking creatures. Sure, large
amounts of toxins and pollutants will be required, and many innocent fish
and water fowl may be called upon to sacrifice their lives in the process,
BUT OUR NATIONAL SECURITY IS TOO IMPORTANT TO WORRY ABOUT THE COST!
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP? Write your congressman! Write your senator!
Send an inflatable goo goo doll to the clergyman of your choice! Now is
not a time for thinking. The time for action has come! Let's see some
action! And while you're at it, let's see some polish on those shoes
mister. What do you think this is? Russkieville? Surely you have some
dangerous household chemicals that you've been saving for when the dog
needs to be put away. Most likely your neighbors do too. If we pool our
resources we can lick this menace once and for all and get back to being
the best damn freedom loving humans on the face of this planet!
(end of transmission)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Iverson Internet: eiverson@nmsu.edu
Computing Research Lab
Box 30001/3CRL Life is something to do when
New Mexico State University you can't get to sleep.
Las Cruces, NM 88003-0001 -Fran Lebowitz
VOICE: (505) 646-5711
FAX: (505) 646-6218
===========================================================================
PRODUCT WARNING LABELS
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 03 Jun 91 09:32:31 EDT
From: Jeff Tucker <R3JMT%AKRONVM@vm1.cc.UAKRON.EDU>
Subject: Re: Call for Submissions
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Lables
by Susan Hewit and Edward Subitzky
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-
intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary
in this important area. This is especially true in light of the
findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we
join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of
America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent
of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon-
taneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at
Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within
the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in
Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in
the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the
Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to
the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-
Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This
Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot
Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When
the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May
Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undeterminded
State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in
Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot
Be Guaranteed.
(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of
The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141
Individual US Subscriptions $12.00
Reproduced with permission.)
===========================================================================
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
[It seems to have become a regular ritual to include this stuff so why
not continue. Besides it's good stuff. Pay special attention to the cow
business. As I'm sure many of you are aware the Ghost of Elvis has been
haunting cows. As you can see below, this haunting may actually be
beneficial. The Ghost of Elvis should probably be put up as the patron
Saint of Cows for his efforts. Start that letter writing campaign to the
Vatican now. (*Please note how the term 'Ghost of Elvis' is used an not
Elvis himself.*)]
Date: 3 Jun 91 11:41:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: News of the Weird returns!
Sorry for the long silence; I've been out wandering the country without
access to a computer, much less the Net. Anyway, the following items
appeared in the Chicago Reader's News of the Weird column.
In September it was reported that the gov't of Japan had begun testing
silvery, reflective coats and hats for cows, designed by a Tokyo professor
to cool them in summer and warm them in winter, making them produce more
meat and milk. Aust- ralian researcher Dr. Philbert Hausman said earlier
this year that milk product- ion could be increased up to 35% by playing
certain background music while cows are being milked. He especially
recommended Elvis Presley's "Are You Lonesome Tonight?"
A paper presented by a Vancouver consulting firm at the Indoor Air '90
conference in Toronto in August reported that, because of exposure to
household cleaners, housewives have a 55% higher risk of cancer than women
who work outside the home.
The findings of a Senate Budget Committee report on Pentagon spending last
year included the revelations that the Army is increasing the # of sizes
available in women's shirts from 54 to 126 (the clothing industry uses
only about 40 sizes) & that the Navy has acquired 53,268 of a certain F-14
airplane machine tool whose rate of use (4 per year) means the Navy is now
stocked up on it for the next 13,157 years.
===========================================================================
STORY TIME
===========================================================================
[I was quite pleased when I got this next bit, especially from such a
recent convert. Hopefully we'll see a more work from her. ]
Date: Mon, 3 Jun 91 12:12:10 CDT
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: A story (pt 1)
I wrote this story (in several parts) around 3:30 am today. It's a bit odd.
I was feeling abit odd.
title: "Dream skips: Knit One Pearl Two, Screw Otis, You Know Who"
also called: "Also Called"
I don't know why the fuck I was there, standing in this greasy bar,
wearing red and gold jockey silks (bizarre clothes for an Amazon woman)
and drinking scotch straight up. My best friend, Jill, was standing next
to me saying something about accounting exams, which was funny since she
works in radio and Otis (dear god, Otis) was screaming around the bar, "I
want to be fucked good and hard. Do it to me baby!" Where the hell was
Otis's wife was my first thought. I surely wasn't going to do it. Otis
was fucked up enough as it was. Jill faded to black and the event fell
through this tiny hole in a sewer casing.
So I'm walking down the street, no more pretty girl silks, looking like I
got off a crazy rock opera bus tour, black mini skirt, white loose blouse
and no underthings. My nipples play with the filmy material and I feel
sucked in by the leather. otis stands before me.
"Why did you leave me?" he asks somberly.
"I had to go, " I reply.
"But you didn't even say goodbye. You just left."
What could I say? I had done just that.
"Otis, man," I jive, "Life isn't easy."
Otis really looked at me then, peering at me with those Jesus eyes. I'll
never forget the blueness of them. Then he repeated those same words I'd
heard earlier..earlier.
"Fuck me."
*******
Also Called, pt 2...
Dolly Madison chocolate cream cakes. Not for her or all the other
chocolate confections in the world, or the fish in my goldfish bowl or a
microwave container filled with aluminum could make me think about fucking
Otis. Hell, I wanted a harem for myself, but I'd never fuck a man who has
a wife already.
Bloody hell #2. Pynocline.
Second time tonight--Where the hell was Otis's wife? I don't know why
this happens, but the Rev pops into my life. He's sitting on a bright
yellow coloured couch, flipping a Bic, lighting clove cigs and whistling a
Skynard tune, probably from Runes. How the heck do I know it's Rev?
Rev takes the cloves from his lips, a brown haze echoes his silhouette and
he films the white ash smoke aside. It's like blindness underneath a
antique lamp post.
"Fuck him, "says Rev. (if it's really Rev)
Now I'm thinking what the hell? There's this door in front of me that
says "Otis" on it. Just like the stars. Dressing rooms of heaven.
Behind me sitting not too far away from Rev is this desk, loaded with
pencils and orange papers. Mal's sitting there, screaming into a blue
box, insults I think. He looks up as I look down.
"What's up, chick?" Mal says.
Salt air licks at the back of my hair. I'm human, I think. At least for
the time being, I only hope.
"Otis says I should fuck him, Rev says I should fuck him (Otis). My head
says, go loosely, screwed in slow motion, reverse order. Body in
overdrive. And Otis's wife is missing." I say.
Out of the outer limits of the twilight the cities merge closer together
and a certain tune weeds through the air. It's one I've never heard
before. "All Surf Monkeys must Die on Mars..."
****
Pt 3 (also called)
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Mal says.
That's it, my guardian angle, saves me from lost again. twice in two
weeks. It's a record. Must be a sign. Light bulbs burst out everywhere.
Crashes are heard throughout the site, zapping noises echo in the mist,
like fog machines that have been overexposed. Yeah, they're signs.
Otis walks out of his dressing room.
I'm standing before him. A human mass of holey jeans, royal blue ocean
shirt, white MTM shoes with better cushioning and soles. I can see better
this time. His smoldering eyes beat my soul(s), my blood floods my
arteries, my face is white (I'd bet a dollar on it.)
"I'm glad you came home, JB" he whispers quietly. "get ready to get fucked
up."
I'm standing outside this house. It's not ornately designed or decorated.
I look through the window. This house isn't my home.
A voice-from who knows where- yells "aren't you coming in hon?"
****
Also called part 4
Don't ever call me hon or dear or girlie, non, non, nyet.
An Aussie band plays in the background. They sing, "Business As
Usual"...I can't remember their name, it's got Men in the title.
Would Otis send me to hell to test me for leaving?
I run past Rev and Mal on the street that eventually lands in the sea.
The bushes are a blur. On fire, literally. Past gumdrop lane and the bar
I was at earlier tonight. A lost POW in sheep's clothing, advocating.
The pavement between my legs becomes a raw red tongue, trying to lick me
as I continue running. Limbs become fins, trading shoes for small flip
wings, blues engorging with greys and rough skin, salt water streams down
my sides in simple harmonies. I hear the poets of the surf crying. And
the sweet smell of seaweed breaches my second sights. Then I hear him.
The voice on the loud speaker.
"On this day, June 3, 1991, another soul has been saved. Trials and
tribulations from the afterlife have not been successful, welcome back jb
and take a number at the next door."
The voice disapated. I stopped for once in my life and slept where I was,
stillness, in the sea of fishes.
the end
shark :) I said it odd and I still
don't know what number I'm supposed
to take at what door.
===========================================================================
RANTINGS
===========================================================================
[What PURPS could be complete without one or two of these. Besides you
should get used to hearing from this person. After all they well be
taking the reins of PURPS eventually.]
Date: Mon, 3 Jun 91 17:42:52 BST
From: M.S.Dow@exeter.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Salutations and Sanitations
Ordnance and Control is the only completely trustworthy covert
organization in the world. They never support embarrassing dictators, get
caught with their pants down by the KGB, come up with ridiculous plans to
kill Fidel Castro which not only fail but make you look like a jackass,
send arms to deranged pondlife like Saddam or Hafez Assad, never EVER
harass ordinary people for not knuckling under like some asshole oligarchs
want, and they don't cost a dime. "How can this be????" I hear you cry,
agog with wonder, disbelief, and (maybe) hope. How has Michael S. Dow,
skinny white intellectual achieved what millenia of power-hungry men have
failed to achieve? (I don't think most of them really put their hearts
into it, really.) I'll let G.G., Chief Executive Director of Ordnance and
Control, explain. "You see, the reason Ordnance and Control is THE
perfect intelligence and oppression organization is that we are entirely
fictional. Even I do not actually exist. We can get results no ACTUAL
professional would ever DREAM of getting, because everything we do is in
your mind. And that is why we are so effective-- it's all in your mind,
literally a "dream organization." This may, of course, lead you to scoff,
and say "Oh, well, if you're going to shatter the illusion like that, I'm
not going to take you seriously. See if I tell YOU about the Hamster
Illuminati!" You will,however have missed the point completely. Fiction
dominates fact, and people make the world into what they have been told it
is. Thus, an entirely fictional company like ours is in fact much better
suited to world domination than such tangible groups as the CIA, the KGB,
MI6, the PLO, the NKVD, the Stasi, or even Subgenii or Otisians. Still
unconvinced? Hell, I bet you never even noticed me in HUCKLEBERRY FINN
did you?" You didn't, did you? Well, I did, and hired him on the spot.
If you'd like Ordnance and Control to work for YOU, all you need do is
pick an obscure (and preferably menacing and mysterious) character from a
great work of fiction (greatness being, of course, in the eye of the
beholder) and he/she/it can head your own personal branch of Ordnance and
Control. (NB G.G. will always be Chief Executive Director, though. If you
want your own character to be top dog, you'll have to form your OWN crazed
fantasy.) I don't worry about the Nine Unknown. The Nine Unnoticed I
worry about a lot but Nine Nobody Knows means Nine People Who Don't Get
Out Much, and if there's one thing complete domination of five billion
human cattle entails, it's socializing.
Foole
===========================================================================
MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
===========================================================================
Date: 5 Jun 91 09:42:00 EDT
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW (That is, for those of you not yet fully awake, News of the
Weird)
These are from the Chicago Reader, sometime in 1990.
Under the heading "Science Fair":
A recent medical journal article details the case of a 26-yr-old man who
has suffered delusions for 15 years that he is a cat. At age 17 he
confessed to eating small prey, having sex with cats, and falling in love
with a zoo tigress and having attempted suicide when the tigress was moved
to another zoo. He still dresses in tiger-striped clothes.
The British medical journal _Pharos International_ reported recently that
silicone breast implants remain in the ground far longer than the bodies
that house them and that the nonbiodegradable implants could cause future
water pollution problems.
And under the heading "Government in Action":
In a report by the defense select committee to Britain's House of Commons
in May, private security guards at 56 British military installations were
criticized as being "hopeless," "not strong enough to perform... heavy
lifting," "often asleep on the job," and in some cases "afraid of the
dark."
From the chapter "No Artificial Ingredients":
A jury in Nassau County, NY awarded $425,000 to a 24-yr-olk bookkeeper who
claimed she lost her hair from the shock of biting into a squirming beetle
in her yogurt. The woman was watching tv & eating raspberry yogurt when,
according to her attorney, Abraham Fuschberg, "she felt a piece of foreign
matter in her mouth. She knew it was too hard to be a raspberry, & besides
it was moving."
When residents of Princeton, WV complained their water smelled & tasted
foul, workers investigated & found a decomposed body in a municipal water
tank.
Police in Boulder arrested Univ. of CO student Ellen Malmquest for feeding
6 live puppies to her neighbor's caged mountain lion, jaguar, & bobcat.
Malmquest explained she fed the pups to the cats b/c she hadn't
anticipated her dog's delivering such a large litter & because she's "into
the foodchain thing."
The Khartoum representative of the International Committee of the Red
Cross decided not to distribute relief supplies to thousands of Sudanese
who had lived for months on grass, roots, & leaves after fleeing civil war
b/c he was afraid of starting food riots.
Edith Tyler sued a restaurant in Flagstaff, AZ for $150,000, claiming a
stuffed cabbage she ordered "apparently contained a used rubber
prophylactic." And a Newport, TN jury awarded $2500 to Carl "Jabo" Gentry,
who sued the Stokely Van- Camp Corp after he said he found a condom in a
can of the company's pork &beans.
And from the chapter "Far From Perfect Crimes":
William Saunders took 14 hostages at AT&T's NYC offices b/c he was
distraught over a child-custody fight with his wife, an AT&T employee. 13
of them escaped when Saunders gave them-- 1 at a time-- permission to
leave the room to get a drink of water & they never returned.
Richard Brown, 22, of Boston stopped a police cruiser to report a fire in
a nearby variety store. The officers guessed Brown might have started the
fire himself, since he was carrying 4 gallons of gasoline & an unused
firebomb at the time.
After drinking $35 worth of beer, a 32-yr-old man decided to break into a
store on Longmont, CO. He was trying to pry open the front door with a
crowbar when he saw people inside were staring at him & realized the store
was still open.
And from the chapter called "The Great Pretenders":
A CA man calling himself "Dr. Franklin" telephoned women in the San
Francisco area saying that he had examined their blood tests and that they
had a fatal disease. He then claimed to possess a drug in his blood which
could cure them and said that it could be transmitted to them through sexual
intercourse. At least 3 women fell for the story.
Baltimore Judge Hilary Caplan voided the marriage of Liberian Prince M.K.
Ofosu- Appiah, 28, to Delores Buchanan, on the grounds that Buchanan was a
man. The prince, who claimed that he never saw Buchanan nude & never
consummated the marriage, discovered Buchanan was a man when he saw that
her birth certificate had "male" in the section identifying sex.
A 17-yr-old Memphis woman was married for 4 months before discovering that
her husband was a 19-yr-old woman. According to a clergyman involved in
the case, the woman said that her husband never let her see "him" naked
because he was supposedly deformed by a football injury. The bride
reportedly became suspicious when some of her husband's friends referred
to him as "Harriet."
In 1989 jazz musician Billy Tipton died of a bleeding ulcer, leaving an
ex-wife and 3 adopted sons. While the funeral director ws preparing the
body for burial, he discovered the 74-yr-old saxaphonist-pianist was
really a woman. "He'll always be Dad," said one of Tipton's boys.
===========================================================================
Gosh that's all. Hmm a bit short. Well I got rather busy when I didn't
expect to be so I couldn't grind out more. I also figure I should get
this sent out before Rev. John dies from trying to figure out what role
he plays in the story I mentioned to him.
It always seems I have plans to include other things in here. I usually
run out of time or forget.
Hopefully, next time around will be another episode of Messenger of the
Gods, and a few other contributions from people.
Keep sending those submissions I can always use them.
--Mal
===========================================================================
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
===========================================================================
--Subink 1991
