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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 13
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 13
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction: The Unlucky 13th!
News: The Post Office Takes a Tougher Stance on Crime, Brawling
at Peace Talks, Ill-Planned Product Names, the B-Day Party of The
Century, the Archives Grow, More!
OTISian Rants: The Pope's Birthday Speech, Do the Illuminati
Control Santa Claus and is Elvis Alive?
Other Rants: The Complete, Unedited S**t List So Many of You have
Probably Seen Too Much of Before, A "Top-Ten" list for the
President's State of the Union Address!
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INTRODUCTION
(Everything Forbidden is Optional)
While I realize it's not fashionable these days, I have
always had an abiding faith in superstition. I have never been
able to step on a crack without cringing or make a hopeful
comment without rapping the nearest piece of plywood. I believe
in rice at wedings, and I doge the corsage there when ever
possible. Ladders, spilled salt, balck cats, all give me the
jitters. I will not speak ill of the dead.
And here we are on issue 13. Well, so far the magic is
working. Two friends decided it would be funny to drop a tour
group into my hands ("Tell them a little bit about the vax")
while I was CAing yesterday, on Friday I was forced to pledge
myself to 10-20pgs of my comps done in a single week, and
apparently several of my friends here have given up associating
with me altogether.
Sigh.
I knew I should have skipped straight to 14.
Judging from this issue, things will only get worse. The
administration may very well take offence at the "S**T" list,
edited as it is, liberals will probably object to the
satanization of Santa Claus, conservatives will surely grill me
on the "Top Ten" list for Bush's State of the Union Address, and,
now that I've advertised it, Scott will probably tell me that the
surprise this year is that they aren't REALLY giving me a b-day
party at all haha, and I'll be mugged by the 7,000 people who've
already paid their two bucks.
My excuse for all this offensive material?
It was all so FUNNY....
PJ
_______
News
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PURPS.STUFF
GOOD OTIS IT GROWS! Since we last talked, over 60 files have
been added to the archives. Many of these deal with the current
war, and they won't be around long, as soon as I fill my quota
(only 500 blocks to go) I will start deleting the oldest files
there. They represent, in my humble opinion, very good coverage
of the war, they are completely un-censored, and contain lots of
information (like body counts, and the recent assassinations in
Turkey) which have appeared no where else in the media. Read
them. War time is a lousy time to be apathetic Kenyon students.
OTISIAN NEWS
WHAT WILL THE COLLEGE DO when the channel Six (four?) news team
and the Columbus branch of the Hell's Angels show up at my
birthday party THIS FRIDAY? Hard to say... but you can FIND OUT
FOR YOURSELF, by showing up at lower Dempsey at 10:00pm- 2:00am.
Beacuse we are not a fraternity, have something like 17 musicians
playing (including Pimentos for Gus and, we hope, a certain
faculty member), there will be a two dollar cover charge
(musicians like to be PAID, don't ya know?). However, for that
you get a heck of a lot of entertainment (including FREE BEER!
HAIL OTIS!) and the chance to meet and dance with some of the
strangest people on the face of the planet. (HAIL OTIS!) Folks,
this is looking like the best party this campus has seen in a
LONG while; you would do well to attend, everyone in the WORLD is
invited, feel free to bring friends and bodyguards.
OTHER NEWS
Lai See - South China Morning Post - 02 January 1991
_Air-Head_
Concern has often been expressed on this page about the
activities of market researchers, research and development
specialists and so on.
This particularly applies to the academic world, where people
have a tendency to lose sight of the obvious.
A Mr. Tetsuo Sugawara, a 24-year-old student at Yamagata
University, has just asphyxiated himself after taping his nose and
mouth shut "to observe the effect of breathing on body movement."
It ceased.
____________________________________________________________________________
Lai See - South China Morning Post - 21 November 1990
_Crap Suzette_
Yes, those jokers in the international marketing departments are up
to their tricks again.
They always seem to forget to check foreign translations of their
product names. Which is why Britain's _Punch_ magazine reports that
available on supermarket shelves are:
Nouveau Pschitt, an orange drink from France.
Bimbo Bread, loaves from South America.
Moron, wine from Italy
Grated Fanny, canned fish from South America.
Donkee Basterd Suker, sugar from Amsterdam.
Craps, a milk chocolate bar from France.
And a brand of toilet paper from Scandinavia called Krapp.
____________________________________________________________________________
The U.S. Postal Service ruled that a Johnsonville, NC, postmaster had
to repay $44 in stamps & money orders that thieves made off with after he
told them how to open a Postal Service safe in his grocery store. 4 gunmen
had pistol-whipped him, threatened him, his wife, & 8 others & shot his son.
The Postal Service said that he failed to "exercise reasonable care."
In Jerusalem, several legislators brawled in the Knesset dining room
over the lack of hospitality being shown a visiting Soviet peace delegation
(whose members were watching).
431 Air National Guardsmen were flown to a Nashville Bowling Tournament
in May 1980 at taxpayers' expense of $110,000.
The Virginia Corrections Dept. decided to air-condition the death
chamber at the State Penitentiary to make it "more comfortable for
everybody."
In 1974 the Consumer Product Safety Commission was forced to recall
80,000 buttons it had distributed to promote toy safety because they were
found to be a danger to children. The buttons, which said "for kid's sake
think toy safety," used a paint with dangerously high lead content, had
sharp edges & parts that could be swallowed by a child.
In the Prince George's County, MD, "escape-proof" correctional center's
first year of operation, 13 prisoners were mistakenly released because of
human or computer error.
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
From: VAX001::TUCKER "RCT" 25-JAN-1991 22:18:22.52
Subj: movie goofs in PURPS
Concerning Die Hard II, it has also been noted that if someone wanted to
make a movie about an airport seizure that traps dozens of planes in the
air, they could have picked a better setting. Washington-National (I think
it was supposed to be National rather than Dulles, but it's been a while)
has TWO other international airports within about a half-hour's flight time.
____________________________________________________________________________
From: VAX001::WINS%"<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>"
Regarding:
>* Handmaid's Tale
> Scene where Ophra(sp?) is holding yarn for Major's Wife, the amount
> of yarn jump around erratically.
The name of this handmaid was "Offred". Other handmaids were named
"Ofglen" and "Ofwarren", and possibly others. This is somewhat important
to the film, since it demonstrates the degree of subjection of the
handmaids.
They no longer had names of their own - just "of" attached to the name of
their current commander. If "Offred" had later been assigned to Glen,
her name would become "Ofglen". Fun, huh?
-Spode
<huh? there's no chaos involved in this message - but then again, that IS
chaotic = mustn't always get what we expect...> :)
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OTISIAN RANTS
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(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
revealed!)
[THIS WEEK: The Pope's B-day Speech, Do the Illuminati control Santa Claus,
is Elvis Dead, More!]
POPE'S B-DAY SPEECH
There are two things about that other Pope that have always bothered me;
that bubble car and that damned window. The fact that he can go shooting
around in that little white modified golf cart under a bullet proof bubble
and a full police escort while I'm stuck in a dopey little 78 citation with
a "Caution Wide Load" sticker on the front bumper and a dollar 98 K-Mart
imitation police siren on the hood is bad enough, but then he gets the
window.
Here's a quick note for all you power mongers, if you want to be an
insistant success do the following: find a cheap, fourth floor apartment
somewhere with a window over-looking a small courtyard and start giving well
advertized but difficult to hear speeches about the state of the world. It
helps if you keep the speeches short and put a few of your best friends in
the audience to cheer really loudly at odd intervals, drowing out your
words. When your speeches are over hold impromptu press confrences with the
78 media organizations you anounced the speech to in a very small room
elsewhere in the apartment. After the press has sat there squished for 25
minutes, send an official representative to appologize profusely that the
pope has had some urgent bit of business come up and cannot attend today.
Blamo. Instant success.
It's not that I'm jealous or anything, but there is something about giving
speeches from a window or ledge that seems to give people instant
credibility, and instant association with the larger than life. (Hell, look
what it did for Mussolini). U.S. presidents seem to prefer the casual
approach, televised chats by the fireside with the dog and a kid, but I
think the verdict of history (Curchill, Hitler, Napolean, Lennin, Stalin) is
clear: if you want your message to stick, wizz 'em with a window or a ledge.
Every year, while making this speech and promoting the good wholesome
values of the OTISian faith, I think of that other Pope, and every year I
make a point of asking for something real tall to stand on and make
proclamations from, but, with the exception of a single soapbox from
Preacher Tim, no one ever responds. So once again I have climbed up onto
the oficial Papal CHAIR to give you my views on the past year.
Well, forget it. This year I'm holding out for a ledge.
PJ
___________________________________________________________________________
From: VAX001::WINS%"<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>"
From: szady@ATHENA.MIT.EDU
Subject: A little light humour....do you realize that Santa Claus is an
Illuminati plot?
Date: Tue, 25 Dec 90 19:13:24 EST
Yes, Santa Claus is actually an illuminati plot to make all Xians worship
Satan. Just look at the evidence before you...
1. Santa/Satan name anagram
2. Dresses in Red and black
3. Friend of cloven-hoofed beasts
4. Lots of little "elf" helpers.
5. Lives in a cave in an isolated place
6. Knows who's been naughty and nice
7. Seduces people with large amounts of materialistic gifts/favors
8. Flies through the air on the night BEFORE Christmas. This is VERY
similar to evil spirits flying through the air the night BEFORE
All Saints Day (Halloween)
9. Uses "magic" to enter your house.
10. Is immortal.
11. One of them is known as "Saint Nick", the other "Old Nick"
____________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Is Elvis Really Dead? (Happy Birthday anyways!)
NASA'S GALILEO PROBE FINDS NO EVIDENCE FOR ELVIS ON EARTH
The Galileo science team today announced that the spacecraft's
instruments failed to find any new traces of Elvis Presley during its
flyby of Earth last December 8th.
"It's a tough background subtraction problem," explained Dr. Edward B.
Rock of Caltech. "We know the planet contains several thousand Elvis
imitators. You have to distinguish the real thing from many objects
of similar apperance."
The method used involved interdisciplinary comparison from several of
Galileo's sensors. "For example, an Elvis imitator would have a very
similar appearance to Elvis in the SSI [Solid State Imaging] and NIMS
[Near Infrared Mapping Spectrometer] data," said Dr. Graham Finale.
"But no imitator has Elvis's magnetism." Researchers combined data
from Galileo's sensitive magnetometer, mounted on a 36-foot (11 meter)
boom, with optical, infrared, and ultraviolet measurements. They are
capable of identifying a single genuine Elvis among all the other
features of Earth's landscape. This is a very sensitive technique-- a
feat equivalent to standing in St. Joseph, Missouri, and
distinguishing a jellybean in a bowl of amphetamines in Memphis.
Galileo investigators were cautious about ruling out the possible
existence of Elvis. "We can only set an upper limit," said Dr. Rock.
"And we're guessing to some extent at the profile we're looking for.
If Elvis has lost weight, for instance, he'd have a different infrared
signature." According to the science team, there are 0.21 plus or
minus 0.17 Elvises on Earth, a number described as "consistent with
zero."
Though speculation has been published in some journals that evidence
for Elvis might exist on other planets and moons in our solar system,
most scientists agree that Earth is the most likely place to find him.
"If, as the new results suggest, there's no Elvis on Earth," said Dr.
Torrance California, "this lends weight to the supposition that he
really is dead."
----- End Forwarded Message -----
Which reminds me.....
In some article summarizing the significance of 1990, I did see
a quote from a psychic to the effect that "It was more likely
that Elvis was alive this year than it has been for the past
several years." Perhaps the .21 Elvises found by the Galileo probe
is only a harbinger of greater numbers of Elvises to come. *GASP* *shock*
NOOOOOOOOOOO.......!!!!!!!!!
===============================================================
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)From:
VAX001::ZECCHIN "HPHEN OP ON HOPHFENUM ADPETICUS"
Subj: the uncompleted work of s**t in its many forms
Hello! Yesterday a strange thing happened at Stanford. A bunch of
this nation's finest intellects gathered in the middle of the night and were
melded in an orgiastic rampage of creativity and humor. Here is the
outcome... the one, the only, the comprehensive S**t List! Feel free to
make additions and show your friends (assuming you have any.) Of course I
jest. On with the show...
RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE
Taoism: S**t happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, s**t happens.
Buddhism If s**t happens, then it is not s**t.
Zen: What is the sound of s**t happening?
Hinduism: This s**t happened before.
Islam: If s**t happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let s**t happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If s**t happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does this s**t always happen to us?
Atheism: I don't believe this s**t.
Agnosticism: What is this s**t?
MORE RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE
Voodooism: This is chicken s**t.
Satanism: Sneppah tihs. (say it backwards...)
Idolatry: Let's bronze this s**t.
Mormonism: No s**t allowed.
Moonyism: Give me all your s**t so I can buy a Rolls.
Jehovah's witness: S**t comes around at 7 a.m.
Manichaeism: There is good s**t and bad s**t.
Apocalypticism: Repent, for the s**t is going to hit the fan.
Lutheranism: S**t works in mysterious ways.
PHILOSOPHICAL VIEWS OF LIFE
Utopianism: This s**t don't stink.
Skepticism: I don't know about this s**t.
Communism: It's everybody's s**t.
Nazism: Heil S**tler!
Cartesianism: I s**t, therefore I am.
Nietszcheism: Supers**t!
Epicureanism: Enjoy this s**t while it lasts!
Freudism: Blame this s**t on your mother.
Shintoism: This s**t is made in Japan.
Feminism: Men are s**t.
Chauvinism: We may be s**t, but you can't live without us.
Surrealism: Finger painting.
Conservatism: S**t doesn't change.
Liberalism: Let's change this s**t.
Vegetarianism: Mulch!
Cynicism: Eat s**t and die.
Impressionism: From a distance, s**t looks like a garden.
Realism: S**t is s**t is s**t.
Commercialism: Let's package this s**t.
Existentialism: S**t!
Transcendentalism: Return to s**t.
Deconstructivism: Diarrhea.
Multiculturalism: Our s**t is different, but we can appreciate it.
Racism: Our s**t is better than yours.
Classicism: Constipation.
Pacifism: Make love, not s**t.
Materialism: The more s**t, the better.
Cafeteriaism: Do we have to EAT this s**t?
Mysticism: Ooooh, s**t.
Feudalism: You're bound to my s**t.
Creationism: Let there be s**t.
Paganism: Holy s**ts!!!!!
Egelitarianism: All s**t is created equal.
Yellow journalism: S**t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Patriotism: Love s**t or leave s**t.
Tetrisism: S**t, I need a long piece!!
George Lucasism: Star s**t
Sadomasochism: Whips 'n chains 'n s**t
That's all folks! Post me with any additions. Jordan: zork.
Jamie: This isn't sesame street!
Yours,
Risa
A BIT OF KENYON
Gates of hellism: Donahue thinks his s**t don't stink
Kenyonism: Same s**t different day!
Otisism: Hail Bull S**t!!
Popeism: Hail Super Bull S**t
Spodeism: S**t comes in brown paper packages
English Majorism: Bloody S**t!!
Vaxism: Worthless s**t
Administrationism: Throwing the s**t
Drinking Gameism: Getting s**t faced
Bushism: A thousand points of s**t
Sadammism: S**t Can U Duck?
BU-SHyism: BU-ll SH-it
CAism: C-an't A-nswer for s**t
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Not Yours,
The Zeck Man
A BIT OF JUSTIN ESTES
Justin-Estezism: Buttloads of s**t
Zecchinism: That blows chunks of s**t
Scottism: Mmm, tasty s**t...
Justin-Hillism: Blow the s**t away
Drewism: It may stink, but it's cool s**t (not to be confused with
Druidism: natural s**t)
Carrotism: Bush is s**t
Tofferism: I haven't eaten s**t in days
Estesism II: Keep on rockin' in the free s**t
Bourgeois-Liberalism: Land to the s**ts
Bushism: In the new world order, s**t don't stink
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Top Ten Facets of Bush's State-of-the-union Speech
10) Kept profanity to a minimum
9) Cue card girls were outfitted by Frederick's (sp) of Hollywood
8) Snuck the phrase 'penis breadth' by the censors
7) Dan Quayle stayed awake for almost half of the speech
6) Excellent use of hand puppets to enhance critical points
5) Clever way of using the name of Mother Theresa and Saddam
Hussein in the same sentence
4) Advancing age has not dulled Bush's eloquent speaking voice
3) Provided two more clues to Pepsi's 'Crack the Code' contest
2) Maintained composure while an obviously intoxicated Barbara Bush
was dragged from the room
..and the Number One Facet of Bush's s-o-t-u speech
1) President's speech did not pre-empt 30 year-old B-grade movie
showing on cable super-station TBS.
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 13
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
