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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 1 Issue 17
"Nothing is Sacred As Long As I Have Access to Pen and Paper"PJI
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 17
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction: Welcome to the "Crisis in Education" issue-- the
LAST theme issue of this magazine for 12,000 miles...
Letters to the Editor: Is Rob Schroeder God?, Is Zeck's friend
for real? More!
News: The Moon Scheduled to Fall to Earth, Mom's an Alien, the Curse of Dif-
frent Strokes! More!
OTISian Rants: Grads with guns!, The Twin Peaks drinking game!,
get despondent!, MORE!
Other Rants: A One Time Only Offer
Last Word!
----------------------------------------------------------------
INTRODUCTION
("Politics have no place in the classroom"-- B. Mussolini)
What, you live in a cave? Anyone with eyes or ears is aware
of the current trends in education, the fierce battle over
ingrained liberalism, the imminent demise of the classics, the
ousting of good solid courses on western culture with women's
studies, all of that stuff. What, haven't you read Milo Bloom,
whose breath-taking 112 page treatise is now even admitted by its
critics to be "the last dying wail of the white man"? Well, get
with it. There's a battle on. Higher education, and hence the
very fabric of society itself, is crumbling to ashes!
Purps, of course, could care less.
Or we did, at least, until just last month, when, as many of
you are aware, a tragic event on this campus gave the
intellectual debate new relevance. For our internet readers, the
grisly incident started during a guest lectureship on Pornography
in Art, when the lecturer made a nasty comment about the relative
merits of the works of Dostoyevsky. From the back rows an as yet unidentified
heckler spoke up.
"'Existentialist nihilist drivel'? 'EXISTENTIALIST NIHILIST
DRIVEL'? Look you balding aging mangy old academic fart, you
just be CAREFUL what you say about my man D.!"
The guest lecturer was later found face down out side his
eight-four dodge pinto. He had been worked over with a baseball
bat. The car was covered with pro Russian author graffiti, and
quotations from the Brothers K. scrawled in spray paint.
So began the reign of the now infamous "Dostoyevsky Corps",
a roaming gang of Academic thugs, who, until just this week, when
they were finally brought to justice after a seven hour gun
battle with McMahon's Minions (the Kenyon College Security Force-
- so named because of the college presidents legendary
resemblance to Ed McMahon), roamed the Kenyon campus using
guerilla tactics and the threat of violence to ensure that "our
man D." was never given a bad name. And so began Kenyon's
"Nightmare on the Magic Mountain", when reactionary Professors
armed themselves "in defence" with AK 47s and hand grenades, when
the Philosophy depart experienced a bloody ideological war during
which a debate on Kant quickly turned into a knife fight, and
when all of the professors and staff suddenly, dangerously,
started taking their academic beliefs as seriously as their
politics.
Now that the dust has somewhat settled (and our President
has repealed the "Tarnished Academic Image" forbidding any satire
of events at this most beloved institution), this issue of Purps
stands as a memorial to those trying times, and to the alarming
state of education in this country in general.
DISCLAIMER:
"Purps" is a work of fiction, sprinkled only occasionally
with deliberately misleading fact. Any resemblance
between real characters living or dead is therefore
completely my fault.
-------------------------
Letters to the Editor
[This is totally unconfirmed]
From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Lemur Fun Kit(TM)"
Subj: Hah!Toldyouso!
From: VAX001::GRINKER3-APR-199113:01:41.72
To: SCHROEDER
Subj: schroeder
Rob is a god. He has all the right features. Praise him.
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"WICKER@cl.UH.EDU" 4-APR-1991 17:21:40.12
To: ZECCHIN
Subj: Boy, am I GLAD to hear from you!!!
Heya zeck man!
I was thinking about you the other day! (no, I'm not lying!)...
I was thinking about PURPS #1 thru #5 that you sent me that I
still have on diskette (downloaded), and feeling really guilty
that I was taking so long to read them, but knowing that my life
had been a living-hell for the past few months and that I
couldn't dedicate myself to them completely (as I know a true
purps lover/addict should do!), and then realizing that I didn't
know where I had put that diskette and not having the nerve to
ask you to send them again -- anyway -- I ran across a diskette
T-O-D-A-Y (of all days to hear from you - this is karma or
something psychic or something) and this diskette had purps #10
on it. No one was in the office at the time so I thought "I'm
going to peruse this thing right NOW - and I did - and I LOVED IT
and now I'm HOOKED -- and in the midst of all of this warm-fuzzy
feeling I had this great vision and I suddenly KNEW where the
other disk with the other purps were (picture angelic voices
singing 'ahhhh' in the background and yellow light streaming down
upon me!!!! -- yes, that is what it was like. I was so happy.
And now to get purps #16 -- wait -- this is too much to handle
all in one day...I think I'm going to get emotional...nah!!!
I can't wait to backtrack and figure out what OTISians are and
Spode and.... and....and....
I hope the Pope's birthday celebration was fun. I did a
goose-step in his honor-----oh, wait a minute - that was Hitler.
Never mind.
It was a Pope party wasn't it??? (I was reading kinda fast).
Man, you Kenyonites sure know how to have a good time.
You had written me a message AGES ago and started talking to me
about art and artists and I never wrote you back. I'm sorry.
I'm a shithead. Now I have to go back and look at that message
and try to reply to it. My e-mail manners really
bite-the-big-one, sorry!
Keep those purps and letters coming, zeck!
Beverly
(wicker@cl.uh.edu)
_______
News
-------
PURPS.STUFF-- THE BANQUET OF THE GODS REPLETE WITH LIVE
ENTERTAINMENT IS THIS WEDNESDAY AT 5:00pm SHARP in GUND. Formal
Attire requested, if not dress up a little, huh? This is
culture. Dine in a formal atmosphere whilst munching on ARA
food. Confuse friends and enemies alike! Make small talk about
the servants! Tell us about your latest multi-million dollar
deal! Discuss the finer points of Opera! Enjoy the candlelight
and live violinist! Help us bring some CLASS back to Gund!
LIBATIONS FOR OTIS! COME GET DRUNK AND POOR WINE ON THINGS AT
8:00PM THIS SATURDAY! SEE LIVE ELEPHANTS AND "STRETCHO" THE
HUMAN TRAMPOLINE! THRILL TO THE WONDERFUL NATIVE DANCES AND
ACROBATICS! Well, no.. but PARTICIPATE IN A GENUINE OTISIAN
RITUAL TO PLACATE OTIS WHILST DODGING SECURITY! LOTS OF FUN!
The OTISian New Year's Celebration was a hell of a good time, by
the way. 20 or 30 at different times, with a good solid crowd of
about ten. Learn just how good it was by interviewing the
residents of Mather. Just don't tell 'em you were associated
with it and duck when they reach for their shoes. I understand
that the noise makers are still being used. Cut it out.
OTHER NEWS:
[For those of you who thought Americans were in trouble because of their
poor grip on geography... a little reminder that other country's have a
loose grasp on reality, too...]
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 26-MAR-1991 11:31:32.55
Subj: my mommie is an alien
From: mnelson@cbnewsl.att.com (michael.c.nelson)
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
Subject: It's true, it happened....
Reply-To: rmoonen@hvlpa.att.com
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories
First off, I'm posting this for a friend of mine, so please respond
via email to: rmoonen@hvlpa.att.com or to his newsgroup....
------------------------------------------------------------------
In The Netherlands the following appeared in the newspaper:
Boy attacks his alien mother.
While believing that his mother was an alien, an 18 year old boy attacked
his mother with a knife. The boy had believed his mother was an alien for
the past couple of years. He thought she was out to take over the world.
To stop her in this, he tried to kill her with a knife. When he failed
in his attempt, he came home muttering "Damn, it didn't work, I'll have
to try it again". After that his mother went to the police and had her
son arrested. He will be treated by a psychiatrist. The boy was described
as a "paranoid schizophrenic"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have people read about Dana Plato, former child actress on 'Diff'rent
strokes'? Arrested for robbing a video store.
She is the second victim of the curse of `Diff'rent strokes'.
The first was her co-star Todd Bridges, who was convicted of murder and
drug dealing.
A source close to Gary Coleman spoke on the condition that he remain
anonymous, "Gary is extremely upset about Todd and Dana. Friends are
keeping a 24-hour-a-day suicide watch on him."
The mystery of Plato's arrest deepened when a couple unknown to Ms.
Plato attempted to bail her out. Tony and Beverly DeMarco offered
$13,000 in bail, but Ms. Plato refused it. Her attorney, Paul Fitzgerald
is quoted as saying, "She was all upset. Her concern now is that not
knowing these people who are doing this type of thing, what are their
motives? She's a wreck."
Industry insiders are reluctant to talk about the show `Diff'rent strokes'
and refused to confirm rumors that seances took place on-set during
the first two years of the show's meteoric rise to popularity.
Joe Dallas, of the Cleveland-based American Families for Decency and the
Supression of Satanism (AFDSS), said "The chickens have finally come
home to roost. It was apparent to us at AFDSS long ago that the only
possibility explanation for the popularity of `Diff'rent strokes' was a
contract with Satan. Now the great marplot has begun to collect his
debt."
Conrad Bain, who played the rich white father who adopted Gary
Coleman and Todd Bridges, could not be reached for comment
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Katmandu, Nepal newspaper ran the following "blurbs" for three days,
recently during a scare which appearantly began on a drunken night out a few
weekends ago by three "earth science related" professors as a joke to play
on their students,which got out of hand, if you can make that out. Anyway,
here it is. (My source of the articles was an american student at the
University of Katmandu, studying tibetan culture, who read the blurbs for
the three days which they ran, and then read the subsequent apology written
by the professors and published by the same paper that ran the articles. He
thought it was good for a laugh, and sent it to me.)
February 28
Three earth-science professors at the University of Katmandu believe they
have actual evidence that the Moon will fall to Earth within the next six to
eight months. The professors, whose names we are not allowed to disclose
here, have been studying what was thought to be a simple slight shift in the
orbit of the moon, for a period of two and a half years, and they say they
now have reason to believe that the mon will indeed be pulled toward the
Earth. The orbit of this natural satellite has been steadily eroding for
about 3 billion years, since shortly after it's solidification into it's
present form. That eroding orbit is believed by the professors involved in
the study to be within six to eight months of complete collapse, pulling the
moon directly into line with the Earth. When or where the Moon will strike
the Earth is as yet entirely open to speculation, however, if the data the
professors claim is correct, the collision is inevitable, at a predicted
time of "Nine moths, as the absolute latest date at which the moon will
fall, as it were....It looks like this could be the end.."
March 2
The Moon will fall to Earth within a few months! This drastic
prediction, made by three scientists at the University of Katmandu, appears
to be as true as it is outlandish. The three involved in the study are
looking into the possibility of borrowing equipment and scientists from NASA
of the United States of America, and CCCP of The Soviet Union, to better
verify their findings. If their predictions seem to be correct, rumors say
that NASA and CCCP will join forces to push aero-space technology 10 years
into the future within the next three months, so that at least some portion
of the population of the Earth can be saved from destruction by traveling to
an outpost currently being planned for construction on Mars, the forth
planet of our Solar System. By borrowing technology from underwater and
older Moon missions, the new complex on Mars should be a feasible reality
before the predicted collision, at the end of 1991. Scientists working
around the clock are in search of any ideas to
possibly save the globe or as large a portion of its inhabitants as
possible, in the event of the Moon colliding with the Earth, and destroying
the atmosphere.
March 6
It would seem that the Moon will fall. The world will begin preparation
for the catastrophe immediately, once the news spreads. Anyone with any
information regarding the subject is urged to contact the news media, as
well as the appropriate government authorities. For more information,
please contact the University of Katmandu (address with-held)
March 7
The professors who claimed to have information regarding the moon falling
to Earth during the past week and a half have come forward publically to
apologize to the readers of this magazine, and to the entire world.
Appearantly, the entire thing was a hoax.
"We were sitting around last friday evening, and we had gotten a little
drunk. I was complaining to Molly that my students were uninterested in
Earth science and wouldn't care if the moon fell to Earth, or something like
that. Then we got to joking about telling them that it WAS, and the whole
thing got out of hand. We were drunk, as I said, And we just wanted to have
a little fun and get back at our students, who can be pretty damned
apathetic. I'm really sorry it got to this point. Appearantly one of the
students actually believed us, and leaked the information, and some reporter
got a hold of it... some pretty sensational write-ups of the "calamity" have
been circulating around here, and...The whole thing just got out of hand.
We're sorry."
The three professors, who would like their names to be kept secret are
on University Faculty probation and legal action is being taken. We hope
that the reports which we have carried of the situation have not caused too
much distress and we apologize for any inconvenience. Thank you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[If science is a little confused, its good to know that religion still has
its intellectual head above water...]
From the show "The '90s" (PBS):
"Thousands of children starve to death because they don't eat
the cow! Eat the cow and BELIEVE in Jesus Christ!"
-Christian Protestors at a Hare Krishna Festival
----------------------------------------------------------------
OTISIAN RANTS
---------------------------------------------------------------
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
revealed!)
[This Week: Grads with GUNS! Intellectual TV, MORE!!!]
It's common knowledge that whenever you get two or more CS grad students
together, the conversation will inevitably drift to the same topic:
automatic weapons. Lately, we've noticed that whenever we attend a CS
party, picnic, or bullsession, we always hear the same questions and
discussions, usually from the younger grad students:
"When I switched from guncotton to standard ball powder on my .223
loads, the gas ports on my M16 would clog like you wouldn't believe. Steer
clear of that stuff."
"You haven't cleared an ejection port jam until you've cleared one in
the Hill district at 4:00 AM on a Saturday morning."
"I want to mount an M60 in front of the sun roof of my Tercel, but
the mounting bracket wasn't drilled for import cars. How did Josh
Bloch do his?"
"What exactly are those special 'conference rounds' that Newell hand
loads before AAAI every year?"
"Some of my friends at the MIT AI Lab don't like M203's because the
grenade launcher adds too much weight, but I wouldn't have gotten
out of IJCAI-85 in one piece if it hadn't been for those 40mm flechette
rounds. What do you think?"
"Do you have to be a god-damned tenured professor to get teflon rounds
at this place?"
"Does the 'reasonable person principle' cover hosing down a member
of the Soar project after he's used the phrase 'cognitively plausible'
for the fifteenth time in a 20 minute conference talk?"
"Where *did* Prof. Vrsalovic get that Kalashnikov AK-47?"
"I used to use Dri-Slide to lube my M16. How come my advisor says
Dri-Slide is for momma's boys and Stanford profs?"
"Does the way Jon Webb keeps flicking the safety of his Mac-10 on
and off at thesis defenses make you nervous, too?"
In short, there is a lot of concern in this department for the proper care,
handling and etiquette of automatic weapons. So as a service to the
department, we are starting a two week daily series on "The Care and
Handling of Your M16A1." Every day for the next two weeks, we will post on
the wall outside our office the day's helpful hint on care and maintenance
of that good old departmental standby: the M16A1. Our thanks to the US
Army, whose training manuals we have shamelessly cribbed for material.
We would like to encourage other knowledgeable members of the CS community
to share their expertise in a similar fashion. There is a real need for
this kind of dialogue in the department. The new students come in here every
fall, and are totally unequipped to handle the realities of graduate student
life at CMU. Computability theory and lexical scoping are fine things to
know about, but they just don't cut the mustard when somebody from the Psych
department opens up on you with an Ingram set to full auto.
-the friendly automatic weapons enthusiasts of SkyCave1,
Olin, Derek, and Allan
Date: Tue, 26 May 87 09:55:15 PDT
From: jkh%violet.Berkeley.EDU@BERKELEY.EDU (Jordan K. Hubbard)
To: Olin.Shivers@h.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: Supporting one's opinion with sustained fully automatic weapons
fire.
I had recent occasion to view your Presentation Announcement on care
and feeding of automatic weapons during lecture hall. I found it most
amusing. I would very much like to see and/or contribute future material.
We have similar problems here at Berkeley, though it has been difficult
to wean our students away from more the more mundane assortment of
Browning Hi-Power's, Beretta 92SBF's and Sig-Sauer P226's. The 9mm clique
is pretty strong here, and the young grad students fairly parsimonious.
They tend to balk at the idea of spending enough money on ammo to make
full auto firefights practical. Lately, they've taken to sniping at each
other from the Campanille tower and engaging in loose hit-and-run guerrilla
tactics during finals. This is obviously not the American Way and needs to
be changed.
While I've been able to slowly wean them into more progressive arms (such
as the Beretta 93R and an occasional mini-uzi), I still can't seem to get
past the supply problem. My questions are:
"Do you buy your ammo in bulk, or do appointed individuals
do shifts on a progressive reloader?"
"Does the school pay for this?"
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Jordan Hubbard
U.C. Berkeley
moderator of rec.guns
27-May-87 02:16 Olin.Shivers@h.cs.cmu.edu Automatic Weapons, part III
My reply to Mr. Hubbard of UC Berkeley:
Mr. Hubbard-
Thank you for your letter. It was certainly interesting to hear of
conditions out on the West Coast. What can I tell you about the situation
here at CMU? I'm really glad I came to CMU. The faculty is absolutely first
rate, and they all take pride in their weapons skills. We are admittedly a
pretty opinionated bunch, which provides for many interesting interchanges
within the community. I, for instance, think the long barrel .44 Automag is
more of a fashion statement than a weapon, though you won't catch me saying
that within earshot of Prof. Fahlman. If you catch my drift.
Yes, I am aware of the West Coast predilection for 9mm pistolry. When I was
an undergraduate, I spent one summer doing AI hacking at the MIT AI Lab.
We'd hired this west coast guy to do Lisp hacking, and I can clearly
remember being a little stranged out by his attitudes. He just wouldn't
shut up about Interlisp and Browning Hi-Power's. Every time I tried to
explain to him the way our project did things, he'd interrupt with "the
right way," i.e. the West Coast Way, to do it. He just couldn't get it
through his head that I didn't want to hear about Interlisp, and I damn sure
didn't want to hear about 9-fucking-millimeter automatics; we were a
Zetalisp/.223 project. I finally gave up on him; that was the first time
I'd ever personally encountered the east coast/west coast split in Lisp
style and weapons choice.
I'm not quite as adamant about that sort of thing as I used to be. I guess
these days I tend to have a "whatever gets the job done" attitude -- even if
it's franz or a .22 Woodsman. But I've always thought that the west coast
was really missing out on a good thing. I mean, on the east coast, public
comment sometimes requires you to tuck a Beretta discreetly away in a
shoulder holster. But when you are in Berkeley, it being the sort of place
that it is, you can stroll down the street toting your automatic rifle of
choice without so much as raising an eyebrow.
I am very fond of Berkeley. I think that while LA represents the dark,
twisted climb-the-water-tower-and-start-shooting-until-the-Marines-settle-it
side of California weirdness, Berkeley represents the very best of the pure,
innocent-killer side of it all. The first weekend I ever spent in Berkeley
was in the summer of 1983. I was sitting down at one of those really
delightful cafes you have out there. To my left some old man was drinking
cappucino and practicing Chinese calligraphy; down the street some
undergraduates were engaged in a running firefight. I was taking it all in,
thinking that Berkeleians have remembered something about living well that
the rest of America seems to have forgotten, when this kid's stray .223 slug
shattered my glass of pomegranate soda. "Crazy undergraduates" I remember
chuckling to myself as I put the safety back on my Hi-Power and returned it
to its holster.
It seems a shame that ammunition is so hard to come by out there, though.
We are quite spoiled here at CMU. The departmental attitude towards
logistical support really crystallized for me in September of my first year.
One of the incoming first-year hot-shots had taken out Prof. Felton with a
head shot from 500 yards. We were all really impressed, and I think it was
generally agreed that Felton couldn't have asked for a more painless,
appropriate end.
It was a beautiful, almost poetic way to cap what had been a textbook career
of brilliant, original mathematical insights punctuated with outbursts of
random, deeply unhinged violence. Many were the stories of Felton told that
week -- we were particularly touched that, in a very real sense, he'd died
with his boots on. He may have been all of 65, but his .357 Magnum had been
in his hand when he hit the ground, a reflexive feat of almost mystical
proportions, considering that by the time he'd become aware of the danger to
himself, most of his processing hardware had become so much organic garbage
heading west at Mach 1.
You've probably heard of Felton (National Academy of Science, IEEE Past
President, NRA sustaining member). My advisor told me later that Felton's
academic peak had come at that now-infamous 1982 Symposium on Data
Encryption, when he presented the plaintext of the encrypted challenge
message that Rob Merkin had published earlier that year using his
"phonebooth packing" trap-door algorithm. According to my advisor, Felton
wordlessly walked up to the chalkboard, wrote down the plaintext, cranked
out the multiplies and modulus operations by hand, and wrote down the
result, which was obviously identical to the encrypted text Merkin had
published in CACM. Then, still without saying a word, he tossed the chalk
over his shoulder, spun around, drew and put a 158grain semi-wadcutter right
between Merkin's eyes. As the echoes from the shot reverberated through the
room, he stood there, smoke drifting from the muzzle of his .357 Magnum, and
uttered the first words of the entire presentation: "Any questions?" There
was a moment of stunned silence, then the entire conference hall erupted in
wild applause. God, I wish I'd been there.
But I digress. At Felton's funeral, our departmental chairman delivered the
eulogy. I'll never forget his summation: "Poor Felton. Published, and
published, and perished just the same." And that's the attitude that the
professors take here. As my advisor said: "The tragedy of Galois is that he
could have contributed so much more to mathematics if he'd only spent more
time on his marksmanship." The professors at CMU aren't in the business of
turning out effete researchers, aimed at the big industrial labs. They are
interested in training *real* academicians, suitably prepared for life in
the jungle of university-level computer science. And that means time spent
practicing our teaching skills and weapons handling *as well as* making
fundamental research contributions to the field. The department does not
care to just crank out PhD's, half of whom aren't going to make it through
their first semester as a junior professor without winding up in a body bag.
They are committed to a solid grounding in small arms fire, and if that
means spending some grant money for the necessary resources, they are ready
to stand up to the line.
So the short answer is, the department supplies us with all the ammunition
we can use, and then some. Any caliber; any load configuration. They even
keep those crazy Czechs supplied, who come in here every year with the
absolutely strangest knock-off versions of other country's guns that you
have ever laid eyes on. The free ammunition has some nice side effects,
too: the Campus police never, ever give CS grad students parking tickets.
And you just wouldn't believe how attentive the students are in the courses
we TA.
-Olin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: bdm@sirius.rice.edu (Brian D. Moore)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Twin Peaks Drinking Game
It seems that every cult show these days has a drinking game. Normally
I am too engrossed in a show to be concerned with intoxication ('Will Mr.
Carlin overcome his pessimism with Dr. Hartley's help?' 'How will Kirk get
out of this?' 'Gee Dan Rather looks like a toad', etc.) Fortunately, with
Twin Peaks on hiatus, I have a little time to imbibe, and to set ground
rules for this activity. So, here are the
RULES TO THE TWIN PEAKS DRINKING GAME
1) Get involved in TP. Speculate on its chance for survival. Get
despondent and drink.
2) Watch the schlock that replaces TP (e.g., 'Perfect Strangers is now 1
hour!
Hilarious hijinks ensue when Balki gets drafted during a visit to
Baghdad!'). Get despondent and drink.
3) Go out and spend $7 on a David Lynch film. Realize that you used to do
something similar -- for free. Get despondent and drink.
4) Watch your favorite actors doing thespian emasculation on the
newly-expanded 'Perfect Strangers'. (e.g.'Damn good coffee.' Thank you,
back on Mepos we learned the secret to great coffee is human urine.' (*spit
take*) )
Get despondent and drink.
5) Realize that you are no longer invited to parties, since you snubbed
everybody on those Saturdays when your VCR was not working. Predict plot on
tonight's "Perfect Strangers' (e.g. Oh no!! Balki does not understand the
concept of prostitution. Watch the pimp beat the living hell out of him.
Oh no, now he has tetanus, and his jaw is locked up. This is too
insane for me!! I am becoming despondent, give me a drink!!)
6) Sit down and list all of the other shows you liked which have met a
similar fate. Sort them with respect to network. Now look at the total
Nielsen ratings for each of these networks. Pretend you are a network
executive, looking at the consistent slide in viewership over the past few
years.
React accordingly (i.e., get despondent and drink).
7) Now that you are quite blotto, again watch the show replacing TP.
Doesn't look so bad now, does it? Say, I can see myself building a tape
library of this show. Haha, that Balki is such a cut-up...
OK, I'm sure you all get the idea. Actually, I use this game quite a
lot -- finals time, thesis, social contacts, breathing -- all ofthese
are suitable subjects for a rousing game. Enjoy!
===============================================================
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
[This week, we've given over the OTHER RANTS section for ad space]
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
* From the New Yorker Magazine: Article by Bruce McCall *
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ROLLED IN RARE BOHEMIAN ONYX,
THEN VULCANIZED BY HAND
Here's an offer that's so limited, you can't have it.
Dear Eminent Patron of the Mail Order Arts:
Imagine a collector's item so exquisitely detailed that each is actually
INVISIBLE to the naked eye.
Think of an heirloom so limited in availability that when you
order it, the mint specially constructed to craft it will be
DEMOLISHED.
Ponder an item so precious that its value has actually TRIPLED
since you began reading this.
KILN-FIRED IN EDIBLE
TWENTY-FOUR-CALORIE SILVER
Never before in human history has the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge
Mint (not a U.S. Government body) commissioned such ararity.
Consider: Miniature pewterine reproductions,
authenticated by the World Court at The Hague and sent
to you in moisture-resistant Styrofoam chests, of the
front-door letters of Hollywood's most beloved
character actors and actresses.
A special blue-ribbon Advisory Panel will insure that the Foundation
Council's certificated and inscribed insignia is approved by Her
Majesty's Master of Heralds before the application deadline.
Meanwhile,they are yours to inspect in the privacy of your
home, office, shop, or den for TWENTY YEARS by express permission,
already withdrawn, of the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint-- the
only mint authorized to stamp your application with its own seal.
The equivalent of three centuries of painstaking
historical research, supervised by the U.S. Bureau of
Mines, has preceded this issue of THE ORNAMENTAL
HANDLES OF THE WALKING CANES OF THE HOHENZOLLERN
PRINCELINGS.
Our miniature craftsmen have designed, cast, struck, etched, forged,
and finished these authentic reproductions-- not available in any store,
even before they were commissioned-- literally WITHOUT REGARD
for quality.
CERTIFIED BY THE
AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB
But now, through a special arrangement with the Postmaster General of
the Republic of San Marino, this seventy-two piece commemorative
plinth, honoring THE FOOTPRINTS OF THE GREAT JEWEL THIEVES OF THE
FRENCH RIVIERA-- each encased in its own watered-silk caddy that
revolved 360 degrees on genuine Swedish steel ball-bearings--has
been canceled.
A unique way, you will agree, of introducing you and your
loved ones to THE GREAT COOKIE JARS OF THE RESTORATION, just like
those Congreve the boy must have pilfered from.
They are so authentic that you can actually smell them
with your nose.
And don't forget: every set of hand-fired porcelain reproductions of
THE PADLOCKS OF THE FREE WORLD'S GREAT CUSTOMS HOUSES comes sealed in
an airtight cask, fashioned after the shoe locker of a Mogul emperor
so famous that we are prohibited from disclosing his name.
TWELVE MEN DIED
TO MAKE THE INGOTS PERFECT
But why, as a prudent investor, should you spend thousands of dollars,
every month for a lifetime, to acquire this eighty-eight-piece set of
OFFICIAL DIPLOMATIC LICENCE PLATES OF THE WORLD'S GREAT
GOVERNMENTS-IN-EXILE?
One Minnesota collector comments, "I never expected to buy an
item so desirable that it has already kept its haunting fascination
forever."
But even this merely hints at the extraordinary investment
potential of the Connoisseur's Choice selection of GREAT ELEVATOR
INSPECTION CERTIFICATES OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDINGS.
Molded in unobtainable molybdenum,each is
precision-ejected from a flying aircraft to check a
zinc content that must measure .000000003 percent or
the entire batch will be melted down, discarded, and
forgotten.
But "keepsake" is an inadequate term. Your Jubilee Edition of the 566
TUNIC BUTTONS OF THE WORLD'S LEGENDARY HOTEL PORTERS will take you
from New York City to San Francisco to Hong Kong to Bombay... and
then actually PAY YOUR WAY back home.
There is one more aspect for you to consider before refusing
this offer.
If you wish, you can have THE LAVA LIERE MIKES OF TV'S GREATEST
TALK SHOW CELEBRITY GUESTS, custom-mounted on drift wood plaques that
serve as 175 dainty TV snack tables-- free.
There is, of course, a surcharge and a handling fee, as well
as the 25 percent duplication cost. But so amazing is this offer that
you need only pay this levy once-- and never again be bothered by it
in your mortal life.
If for whatever reason you elect not to purchase the
complimentary TOKENS OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST SUBWAY SYSTEMS, you still
profit:
The solid-gold VENETIAN GONDOLIER'S BOAT POLE
TOOTHPICK and velvet-lined presentation case are yours
to treasure for as long as this incredible offer
lasts.
Our DISTINCTIVE AX MARKS OF THE IMMORTAL BRAZILIAN RUBBER PLANTERS are
in such short supply that an advance application in your name is
already reserved for you. To protect your investment, NONE will be
made.
REGISTERED WITH THE
DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES
A dazzling proposition, you will agree. If you do not, your 560-piece
set of BELGIUM'S MOST CHERISHED WAFFLE PATTERNS, together with your
check or money order, will be buried at sea on or before midnight,
April 15, 1982-- the seventieth anniversary, college-trained
historians tell us, of the sinking of the R.M.S TITANIC, one of the
sixty-six GREAT MARINE DISASTERS commemorated in this
never-yet-offered series, each individually bronzed, annealed,
Martinized, and hickory-cured by skilled artisans working under the
supervision of the Tulane University Board of Regents.
Please note that each comes wrapped in authentic North
Atlantic seaweed, its salt content confirmed by
affidavit.
Best of all, you need not order. Simply steal a new Rolls-Royce, fence
it, and turn the bills into small denominations of used money (U.S.
currency only, please). No salesman will call. The Polk McKinley
Harding Coolidge Mint is not a U.S. Government body. This is not an
offering.
The Polk McKinley
Harding Coolidge Mint
P.S. If you have already begun your NAPKIN RINGS OF THE STATE SUPREME
COURT DINING ROOMS collection, please disregard.
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Copyright(C)1981 The New Yorker Magazine,Inc.
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LAST WORD!
In this issue Purps once again seems to have strayed from its original
purpose as a mouthpiece for the OTISian faith. Ooops. Sorry. Next time
(HAIL OTIS!) I will attempt to rectify that by finishing the Banquet of the
Gods story.
CIAO-- PJI
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE# 17
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
