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The Phone Losers of America 008
Õ008ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ008¸
³ How To Turn The Work Life Of A Local 7-Eleven Employee Into A Living Hell ³
³ Written By RedBoxChiliPepper ³
ÆÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͵
³ Written On September 6, 1994 Last Revision on December 17, 1994 ³
Ô008ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ008¾
I've worked in a zillion different convienence type stores and gas stations
and I KNOW what used to piss me off so this file is fairly accurate. Most of
the more destructive ideas have been tried by me and friends while working the
graveyard shift at the Han-Dee-Mart as it gets extremely boring there at
night. Keep in mind that a conveinence store gets pretty busy sometimes and
the cashier can't watch every section of the store all at once so don't worry
about him/her seeing you do most of this stuff. Even if you're caught, the
worst that happens is you get kicked out for the day. (You can go back the
next day because they've usually hired someone new by then.) Cactus!
Included at the end is a section FOR the conveinence store employees to help
them cope with working the graveyard shift at a dead-end job. If you have any
comments, stories or anything else, please contact me at 512-370-4680. I'm
there to listen...Well, actually my voice mail is there to take your message.
"I have told you a million times not to make shambles
of my candy isle so I have no other choice but to
tell you once again not to make shambles out of my
candy isle. Have a nice day."
-A clerk said something similar to Bart Simpson
1. If the condoms are accessable to you, use a needle and poke holes in all
of them.
2. Take Ex-Lax and put it in the donuts, cookies, ice cream, coffee machine,
cashier's soda, etc.
3. Take one bite out of each of the cookies and donuts.
4. Mix all of the items in the condiments bar together to form a big, yucky
salad. Be sure to spill items all over each other and on the floor.
5. Use a razor blade to make a slit in each one of the cartons of milk. This
will start a very small drip-leak but when a customer picks up the milk it
should spill pretty good. This makes a good mess inside AND outside of the
cooler.
6. Paint the front sidewalk in pychedelic colors.
7. Bring a ton of items up to the counter. After the cashier rings everything
up and asks for your $34.75, tell him you changed your mind and walk out,
leaving everything on the counter.
8. Most of the more popular stores have a toll-free customer hotline for
customers to call in and complain or make suggestions. Find this number
(usually written on the outside window) and call it once a day to complain
about an employee you don't like.
9. Put a full pot of coffee under the coffee spout. Then press the button
that starts the coffee maker. This will overflow the pot and create a
tremendous mess.
10.Jam the handle on the Slurpee/Slushie/Whatever machine so that the mush
keeps on flowing after you leave. What the cashier cry when he finds it.
11.Ask for $600 in money orders and twenty lotto tickets. After the cashier
prints up the money orders and lotto tickets, leave. It's a real bitch to
void out money orders and lotto.
12.Sit your fountain drink on top of a video game. There's usually some vents
on top of the game so whoops! Accidentally knock your drink over so the
entire 44 ounces of Pepsi spill into these vents. This makes for some
pretty neat-o smoking effects as well as sparks and fire. Make sure that
it's not a cool game that you play often because you won't be playing it
anymore.
13.Fill up a Super Tanker Gigantic drink cup with Pepsi. Take it all around
the store with you spilling it's contents all over the items on the shelves
as you go along. You can imagine what it'd be like to clean this up.
14.On a really hot day, get on the roof and turn off the air conditioning. If
possible, make sure that the air conditioners will never work again. Be
extremely quiet when walking around up there so mister cashier doesn't hear
you.
15.Telephone the cashier and start asking him questions about robberies like:
* "Do you have one of those silent alarm buttons you could press if I were
to rob you?"
* "Do the police in your neighborhood respond quickly when something bad
happens in your store?"
* "How many times has your store been robbed? Was the robber caught?"
* "Theoreticly speaking, if a professional robber such as myself were to
come in and rob you, what are the chances of me getting caught?"
* "Do you carry a loaded gun behind the counter?"
* "How much money is in your cash drawer right now? That's all? Uhhh, could
you please not drop anymore in the safe until I get there? I, uh, need
to cash a check, yeah, that's it."
* "Are you afraid of death?"
16.Order a telephone calling card for the store and obtain the pin number.
Using the card, make tons of harrassing calls to the store until the card
goes dead. When they get their bill, they realize that they've been paying
for their own harrassment.
17.Find out the store manager's name or the store owner's name. From a pay
phone call your friends in Austraila and third number bill it to the store,
saying that you're the manager. The cashier will accept the charges when he
thinks it's the manager.
18.Order call forwarding for the store. Ask the cashier if you can use the
phone and dial 72#-911 or *72-911. When 911 answers, tell them you got the
wrong number and hang up. Now go out to a pay phone and call the store and
you'll get 911. Make up some big story about how you're getting robbed and
they've thrown you in the cooler and taken customers hostage, etc. If 911
calls back to verify this, they'll get their own office, 911.
Going Where You're Not Supposed To:
----------------------------------
It's hard for a 7-Eleven to make money, especially with people like us in this
world, therefore they are usually understaffed. If there's only one person
working the swing shift (the 4:00pm-Midnight) then you're in for some extra
fun. Make SURE there's only one guy there by calling him and asking. If he's
the only one there and it's busy, he HAS to stay at the register so you're
free to go anywhere else in the store, including the back room and walk-in
freezer.
18.Go in the walk-in freezer with a friend. Veg out on the beer cases and get
drunk off your asses. You can usually keep a good eye on the cashier
through the window but after a few beers you stop caring about him.
19.Find the back room and look for a few five foot tall cylinder things. These
are called CO2 tanks which is what gives the fountain sodas their fizz.
Locate the one hooked up to a hose and turn it off. Everyone's soda will
taste pretty damn gross now.
20.Take it one step further by disconnecting all of the soda tanks. It'll take
the poor cashier an hour to figure out why there's no soda, and another
hour to hook 'em all back up.
21.If there's not a public restroom then there's definately an employee rest-
room in the back someplace. Go in there and the employees will sometimes
keep their personal belongings lying around. Steal it all and then phone
the cashier, demanding a ransom for his stuff.
22.Look for the employee schedule and time sheet hanging somewhere on the
wall. Steal the shedule so you'll know who's working for the rest of the
week. Flush the time sheet down the toilet so the manager won't know who
worked when all week.
23.Instead of flushing the time sheet, find an employee on it that you're not
too fond of and add a few hours here and there on his time card. The
manager will most likely notice this and either think the employee is
trying to cheat for more hours or think that another employee is trying to
get him in trouble. If the manager DOESN'T notice, that guy's going to
have a nice, hefty paycheck next week.
24.Find the manager's office. It's probably locked but most can be opened with
the credit card method. Once in the manager's office, loot. Have your
friend watch the security monitor so you'll know if the cashier's comming,
while you look for things you want to take. The computer is a nice start.
If that's too big, how about the modem. You can steal the employee files
and then freak them out by calling them and reciting information to them.
Also, security video tapes would be kind of neat to have. In the more
modern stores, the cash register is linked with the computer in the office.
Sometimes the register won't work without the computer being turned on so
unplug the computer and take the cord home with you. Pretty soon the
cashier will be using a pocket calculator and a shoebox to ring up the
merchandise.
25.The main phone wires are usually somewhere in the back room. You can slow
the cashier down quite a bit by disconnecting them all. Don't just unhook
them, though. Cut all of them down that you can find and take them with you
so there's little chance of them being fixed anytime soon. What does this
accomplish? Well, the Lotto machine will stop working soon after losing it's
phone line. No more checks, credit cards, ATM cards, gas cards because the
credit validation machines can't call in to get approval. Believe me, I
know that this is frustrating. Worse thing is, when he starts having all of
these problems, he can't call anyone for help because his phone doesn't
work anymore. To make it even more pathetic, put the outside pay phones out
of commission so he doesn't have a chance.
26.The back rooms are filled with stock that won't fit out on the sales floor.
Since there usually aren't any cameras in the back room, this is your
chance for fearless shoplifting! Bring a large bag...
27.The gas pump controls should be lurking about somewhere. Take a look at all
the buttons and figure out for yourself which ones would be most disaterous
to shut off. There's usually serveral shut off switches so shut them ALL
off. The cashier will spend a great deal of his life staring at the banks
of switches trying to figure out how to turn them back on.
28.Find the circuit breaker boxes. They'll always be unlocked. Find the main
switches on all of them and shut them all off at once, cutting the power to
the whole store. Since it's dark, you'll be able to slip back out onto the
sales floor without being spotted. The cashier will probably assume it's a
normal power outage. This is a perfect time for shoplifting.
Gas Stations:
------------
29.If it's a self-service station, the cashier hears an annoying BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP... when you lift the gas nozzle and push the lever up. The
cashier is supposed to look outside, take note of the car and the driver,
then hit the Validate button so you can get your gas. Walk up to a pump,
out of the cashier's view, hide behind the pump and push the lever up. The
cashier will go nuts trying to figure out why the console's beeping if
there's no car out there. Go from pump to pump doing this until the cashier
comes out to threaten you.
30.Okay, this is a good one I've always wanted to try. Go to one of those
personalized license plate booths in the mall. You know, the one's where
you make a plate ILUVYOU for your girlfriend to hang in her room. Find out
what the cashier's license plate number is or, failing that, find out what
his mother's license plate number is. Attach this plate to the front of
your car and pull in to get some gas. Make sure the cashier can see your
license plate very clearly. Fill up your tank with Super Unleaded. Make
sure the cashier is watching, get in your car and slowly back out of the
parking lot, giving the cashier's reflexes time to kick in so he can find a
pen and write down your license plate number. Have a friend hang around the
store to watch the fun next. See, if the cashier doesn't get a plate number,
then he's in a lot of trouble. When someone gets gas and doesn't pay for
it, the cashier has to call the police and fill out a report and everything
so he doesn't get a disciplinary write up. The cop will want to know the
make of car, the plate number and a description of who was driving. (A good
idea is to wear a cap and glasses, not that a cop is any real threat.) When
the cop runs the plate number through he's going to come up with the
cashier's name (or his mom's) and we're all in for a lot of confusion and
fun. I have no idea what the outcome would be.
31.At full service station, pull up to the pump and make sure your gas tank is
on the opposite side as the gas pump so the gas attendant has to manage to
get the hose on the other side. If he says you have to turn your car around
say, "Aw, it'll reach, I promise."
32.Also at full service, if you're needing unleaded gasoline, pull up so your
gas tank is about four feet past the unleaded pump. Tell the gas attendant
you want five bucks unleaded and go inside. This is a pain in the hiney for
the gas attendant because he's so far away from the pump that he can't see
when he's up to five bucks. Usually they end up pumping a little, running
over to the pump to see how much left to go, running back and pumping a
little more, running back to check again, etc, etc...Piss him off more by
saying, "Hurry it up a little, willya?"
33.Most every gas pump I've seen can be locked with a normal padlock. Go in
the store and shoplift as many Master padlocks as you need. Bring them out-
side and lock up each one of the pumps. Since the average gas station
doesn't have a pair of bolt cutters on the premises, nobody will be getting
gas for the rest of the night.
34.Gas stations have to take daily gas readings by sticking a really long pole
into the the ground where the big underground tanks are located. You can
find these poles somewhere around the outside of the building or by the
dumpster and there's usually several of them. Take them all and the station
won't be able to take the daily readings anymore.
35.Get in your car and drive a few blocks from the store. Floor it towards the
store and try to get up to 90 M.P.H. by the time you hit the parking lot.
Smash directly into a gas pump, blowing up the pump, the car and killing
yourself. Try to enter the parking lot at the right angle so after you
smash through the pump you'll crash through the store's front window and
into the cashier, killing him too.
36.Pick up the gas pump nozzle, squeeze it and hold a match in front of it to
create a flame thrower. Burn all of the nearby customers to a crisp and try
to set the store on fire before the cashier hits the Emergency ShutOff
switch.
Surviving Graveyard Shift:
-------------------------
This last section is for the 7-Eleven employees. As anyone who's worked it
knows, graveyards are the most boring eight hours of your day. At about a
customer an hour, there's not a whole hell of a lot to do. Your manager has
probably provided you with a checklist of work to do but it's usually not
very much fun to do work.
36.First order of business. Try to think of the most creative way to destroy
your manager's checklist. Make it a point not to do ANYthing on the list.
If you do, you'll get no praise for it. If you don't, you'll be doing just
exactly what's expected of you. Nothing. If you lose your job, oh well.
37.Bring a radio, even if they're not permitted. No human being should be
expected to sit in total silence for eight hours. Sure, that's what your
checklist is for but remember, you destroyed that. I'm sure your manager
will understand.
38.Open the Clearly Canadian bottles and drop Alkaselters (sp?) into them. If
you drop enough in you can make a pretty good mess. If you're worried about
the mess, do it outside.
39.Sit on a gas pump and light fireworks, occasionally dropping one on the
ground by the pump, making everyone nearby nervous and jumpy.
40.Be extremely rude to everyone that comes in to shop, especially the cops
who come in to buy the entire stock of Hostess donuts and think that just
because they're cops, they get free coffee. If you really hate doing any
work at all, this will help. When you're rude people go out of their way to
keep from shopping at your store.
41.Make prank phone calls to the other store across the street.
42.Sweep the parking lot. Do a real good job and when you get to the edge of
the parking lot, keep going and going until you've swept the entire block.
Then sweep the streets in the area and the parking lot across the street.
DISCLAIMER: RedBoxChiliPepper takes all responsibility for your actions.
If anyone gets pissed off at you, anyone dies or anything is
damaged, just show them this file and the note below:
To whom it may concern:
The information presented in this text has brainwashed ____________.
Please refrain from doing anything to him as RedBoxChiliPepper takes
absolutely all responsiblity for their action(s). Contact him if any
problems arise. (512)-370-4680
