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The Neo-Comintern 212
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The Neo-Comintern Electronic Magazine -- Installment Number 212
.... .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. ....
`""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
Subversive Literature for Subverted People
Date: October 31, 2002
Editor: BMC
Writers: ada
Jet Jaguar
AlterEcho
linear
Spite
Melatonin
Bu Joe
aster
Heckat
Margarina Cataclysma
Gnarly Wayne
Komrade B
BMC
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P Featured in this installment: .b
$ $
$ The BMC Interview - AlterEcho $
$ The aster Interview - BMC $
$ The Melatonin Interview - aster $
$ The Spite Interview - Melatonin $
$ The Komrade B Interview - Spite $
$ The Jet Jaguar Interview - Komrade B $
$ The ada Interview - Jet Jaguar $
$ The linear Interview - ada $
$ The Margarina Cataclysma Interview - linear $
$ The Bu Joe Interview - Margarina Cataclysma $
$ The Heckat Interview - Bu Joe, Margarina Cataclysma, and linear $
$ The AlterEcho Interview - Heckat $
$ The Gnarly Wayne Interview - Gnarly Wayne $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
(please do not read the following)
Hello, microfriends and megafriends! This is The BMC, your pal and editor
of The Neo-Comintern, here to welcome you back to the most wonderful,
super-subversive socialist satire publication this side of Moonbase Luna.
With a bit of love, tenderness, and ass-kicking, all of our most beloved
writers have gotten together, resealed pacts of old, and organized to
unleash many more of the kind of articles and fiction that you can only
find within these hallowed files of text.
Some wonder where the N has been for the past THREE MONTHS. On the other
side of the Styx, my friend. The Neo-Comintern has wandered into the dark
world, seen what it has to offer, set it on fire with some serious pyro,
and then flown out in V formation. Once upon a time, around issue 207,
The Neo-Comintern needed a new editor to hold the bag, erh, lead the
magazine into a new glorious era. Brave writers stepped to the forefront,
threw down the gauntlet, pledged allegiance, and promised to struggle
valiantly to improve writing standards, expand territory, and write K-rad
editor's notes. With such a variety of competent and passionate geniuses
to choose from, there was only one way that anything could possibly go
wrong.
A monkey wrench in the cogs. Or, as fate did have it, a Cog in the monkey
wrench (monkey wrench here being a metaphor for editorship of The
Neo-Comintern Online Magazine). Things seemed to be going quite well at
first, as The High Cog had no shortage of high-quality articles to choose
from. In fact, issues 209-211 all have a whopping THREE articles in
them. That's a record. In celebration, Cog killed the zine.
When I got back from summer vacation in the village of Gotham, I found
that Cog had pulled the plug. I had planned on taking the editorship over
again when I got home, but now I found that there was no zine to come back
to. Furthermore, in an act of brutal betrayal, Cog had changed the name
of The Neo-Comintern to The Neo-COGmintern. So what was I to do?
After three months of careful plotting and meditation, I decided to bring
the Neo-Comintern back from its early grave and release issue 212. And so
we begin the greatest era ever witnessed in the history of literature.
The submissions for future issues are, at this point, the best that we
have ever received. Look out for hot hot hot hits from your favourite
writers, and perhaps even a few surprises from the wonderful writing
community of Textus, Internetia.
This is probably our best issue yet, for the simple fact that all of the
writers have gotten together to reveal a bit about themselves and
entertain your sweet souls at the same time. This is an interview issue.
I would like you to try this. Read this issue, read up on your favourite
writers, get to know them, love them if you must, hate them if you wish.
Harness the power of 100 dreams. Build the skyrocket. Let's make some
friends. Let's be trapped in an apartment. Let's get straight As. This
is The Neo-Comintern. This is solid gold in ASCII format. This is
something special, something to share, something to keep in a small box in
a secret place.
And this night, my friends, is one extremely hallowed evening.
Olympia!
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
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d$$' The BMC Interview ,$$
$$: by AlterEcho ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
AE - Ladies and gentlemen, for my first trick today, I will attempt
something dangerous, mind-boggling and impossible for a mortal man.
Yes, that's right, I plan on entering the world and mind of the
notorious B.M.C., and escaping unharmed! And now, to business.
Well, BMC, let's kick this of with a hypothetical - if you could
choose, where would this interview be conducted, what would you be
wearing, and what drink would you be holding in your hand? Oh yeah,
and who'd be asking the questions? Obviously, I'd be first pick,
but if I had a better offer - Alyson Hannigan, for example - who'd
come off the pine?
BMC - If this interview was hypothetical, I would start off by being
more intelligent, slick-sounding, and witty than I naturally am
(-1). You would be yourself too, but a couple of inches taller. Or
maybe you would be a ghost. I'd be wearing my usual outfit, a white
tuxedo, and I would be holding a jewel-encrusted cane in my right
hand. This would leave my left hand free to hold a kitchen glass
filled with the dirtiest Kentucky bourbon I could find. The
interview would be conducted in a subway car, or maybe a Subway
restaurant. I think that would be the ideal scenario, or at least
pretty close to it.
AE - You've confirmed my previous opinion that you're quite the stylish
character. Do you feel like you act as a role model to your
contemporaries? Would you in fact encourage them to perceive you in
that light? On a personal level, I can affirm that you have been a
positive influence in my life. I would even go so far as to say
that on occasion, you have been the candle guiding me through the
night. Does this disturb you?
BMC - It always feels good to be told that I am a positive influence,
especially when just a few years ago I was an unerringly negative
person. I liked to binge drink, be rude and pushy, and generally
not take anyone else's feelings into consideration. Thinking back
on my past, I see all kinds of misogynist, racist, homophobic,
anthropocentric, inhumane, and other uncompassionate undertones that
were integrated into my thoughts and language without my
realization. As much as I hate all of my past incarnations, life
has proven to me to be a useful demonstration of how I can improve
myself in increments if I struggle against ignorance and sincerely
try to be less selfish. I'm not claiming that the way I am now is
an end-result, either. I'm fully aware that I am full of
philosophical flaws, a great deal of which I hope to identify and
eliminate over the course of my lifetime.
As far as the combination of writing and positive attitude go, I
have to admit that I don't know the answers. I just try to do my
best not to be unintentionally ignorant. Intentional ignorance can
be funny when readers identify it as satire, but otherwise it just
upsets people who do not detect the irony. When Komrade B died we
released two special issues. In the first tribute issue we released
an obituary that was written in a completely serious tone and then
followed it up with a second article making fun of Komrade B and
claiming that we murdered him. People didn't think it was funny,
and the issue probably earned more hate mail than any other. An
ex-girlfriend e-mailed me after she read it just to tell me she
hated me. The next week, we released a second tribute issue with
more jabs at the life, death, and virility of the B. I've strayed
from the point, but I think I was going to say that if you are going
to write an article, you have to know what you are talking about.
Even when you're writing satire, your ignorance needs to be
rooted in intelligence.
As for whether or not I would call myself a role model or expect
others to see me as one, I try not to worry too much about what
readers think of me on a personal level. I only care about what the
reader gets out of the things I write and publish. I do want to
promote certain things. I think that independent media, education,
and a lifestyle based on compassion are all steps toward a better
world. I want to help the community by helping these causes. But
as for the way others perceive me, I feel ok with leaving that up to
them. I'm not trying to live up to any particular image. In fact,
this question makes me wonder if my writing voice seems a bit
incomprehensible since I often adopt varying personas for different
articles/stories. Maybe that's the most accurate representation of
a person - one who is always changing and whose moods and attitudes
fluctuate. I don't know. I just try to be natural.
As for being the candle in your life, I'm honoured. Maybe Elton
John will write a special song for me. He hasn't released a new
version of the song he wrote for Marilyn Monroe for a few years now.
It seems to me I live my life like a candle in the wind. I detest
Elton John and that song(s).
AE - Hmm. So you feel that your writing is a form of community service?
That through your writing, you can highlight things that may be
important in benefiting society? History shows us the one man can
change the world; do you believe are one such man? Or was your
point that my question was stupid?
BMC - I don't think your question was stupid. Some wise person once told
me there's no such thing as a stupid question. I don't personally
believe it, but nonetheless, you're doing ok.
As for one person changing the world (note that I didn't say "man"
because I believe that non-men can also make differences in the
world), I do think that it can be done. I believe that everyone can
change the world. What's more, I believe that everyone does change
the world. We all do our own things, we all have our spheres of
influence, we all make a degree of change - even if that change is
only within ourselves.
Like, for example, do you recycle or not? If you change your mind
on that issue, you are making a difference. I think those people
who seem to change the world on their own are for the most part just
agreeing with things that are socially popular and then adding a few
ideas of their own. 1917, for example.
Lenin didn't create revolution. People hated feudalism, hated the
war, hated being peasants, so Lenin simply organized the
revolution. I think organizers are important. I think it's
important to get ideas straight. That can be a way in which writing
is useful.
But really, I don't consider my writing to be politically oriented
enough to be the next Marx or Lenin. I also don't think one person
can single-handedly change the world. But we all can do something,
and that's what I'm trying to do.
AE - You previously mentioned Elton John. Actually, Elton John is my
three thousand, four hundred and fifty-first favourite performer,
coming in behind the likes of the Standard Model, Psychotic Banana
Combine Harvesters, and Sonz of Prozac. Can you tell me something
about life as a rap star?
BMC - I've been rapping for over 4 years now, and you must the first
person, besides myself, to call me a rap star. I always fancied
myself a rapper in high school, even though I couldn't afford a mic
or any recording equipment. It was pretty pathetic, but still,
people would call me Boss or Boss M.C., and that was good enough
for me. I ended up writing 5 or 6 songs, but without recording
equipment it just fizzled out.
In 1998, Gnarly Wayne and I heard some mp3s of some 12 year old kid
rapping over MIDIs. He called himself Prozac. Deciding that this
was the worst music ever recorded, we were first humiliated to be
human beings, but then intrigued by this terrible terrible music.
Realizing that we could also rap over MIDIs, we formed a parody
group called Sons of Prozac.
We recorded 8 songs over MIDI and actually started gaining some
popularity. We went to play a show in Edmonton, but by the time we
were supposed to go on, Gnarly Wayne was tired and didn't want to go
rap anymore. Around this time we started recording stuff on music
other than MIDI. We recorded The Blair Witch Project, a song that
went up to #8 on the mp3.com rap charts. We did about 40 songs in
total as the SoP. We wouldn't practice, and then we'd use the first
vocal take where we got all the way through the lyrics, no matter
how bad it sounded. That's why we have some verses where we're
laughing through the whole thing and we kept them anyway because the
flow was tight.
Gnarly Wayne and I got to rap with some of mp3 rap's superstars.
Pimp Daddy Welfare, John Cocaine, Scrilla Tee, Schukey, T-Nasty, The
White Mystery, DollaZ, and of course any friend of ours that wanted
to appear on a SoP track. Cog, Komrade B, i like trees, and
McPhisto were just a few of these folks. It was always fun for me,
right until the point where we jammed up in the middle of "Around
the Wayne Girl" and "AG&G" in 2000. That was about the end of the
SoP. We recorded a couple more songs together, but most of what I
did after that was in other projects.
Since then I've guested on a half dozen tracks, and in 2001 I
co-founded a G-rated, family rap group called The Sunshine Squad.
In the SS I rap as MC Friend, along with my homies J-Hugs, Ladybug,
and Joey the Unicorn. Joey has recently gone AWOL, so we're looking
for a new fourth. Our first track, "Be Nice," took about a year in
production, and our current song, "Read Books" is about half done.
These days I rap as a hobby - but I'll still rap ya socks off.
At the height of popularity, being a rapper was really cool. But
the more I did in that area, the more other areas of my life got
ignored. It's always good to have side projects to fuck around
with; that keeps you well-oiled for the main projects. When the
side projects start becoming main projects, that's when you're
living in a world of illusion. That's what being a rap star is
like.
AE - You probably don't really have much time for side projects, do you?
I mean, not only are you the public face of the Neo-Comintern, but
you manage to release regularly AND frequently(!!). On top of that,
you've taken over from Mogel as the KING OF TEXT and you spend quite
a large amount of time looking after, encouraging and cajoling your
devoted subjects. I know you're also a tertiary student and you've
been described as the greatest pilot in the universe. What else can
you do? What else DO you do? Are you a masterful pianist, or a
talented hockey player, or a drug runner for the Sicilian Mafia?
BMC - What else do I do? Well firstly I would like to mention that the
Neo-Comintern has not been releasing regularly for awhile. I mean,
this whole summer has left me without computer and it's making it
quite hard for me to get anything worthwhile done. I'm typing to
you from a computer lab in Fredericton, New Brunswick, where I am
told I live now. Heckat and I are sleeping on an air mattress at
nights and we're hoping that it takes less than another week for our
furniture to arrive.
As for this "king of text" comment, I don't know if any such thing
exists. While working with the Current Text Scene website I have
considered myself to be more of an administrator and facilitator
than a king. But then again, I've always considered it to be more
of a text community than a text hierarchy. But sure, "king" sounds
cool. Who am I kidding? Being a king is great. But really, at
this time linear is the main administrator/organizer of The Current
Text Scene, so that makes me more like a counselor, or perhaps it
makes linear like the REGENT OF TEXT. I'm not sure. I'm not sure
about anything anymore.
As for being a student, I'm starting classes today (Sept 9th, 2002)
at the University of New Brunswick. I've already been to my Intro
to Latin class, and in 18 minutes I will be sitting squarely in my
Canadian Novel class. I'm taking five classes this term, and I'm
also hoping to play a part in the editing of UNB's student literary
magazine, QWERTY (like the keyboard, get it?)!
As far as being the greatest pilot in the universe, if you mean
flying an aeroplane then you are misinformed. However, if you mean
a pilot of the imagination, destination: inner space, you are
absolutely correct and wonderfully flattering.
Other projects for me? I just finished recording the base tracks
for a radio play with Melatonin before I left Saskatoon. It's
called "The Joel And Jared Show", and I'll try to have it done as
soon as possible. I'm also a member of positive-message rap group
The Sunshine Squad. I hip and hop as rapper MC Friend, encouraging
the young people of the world to do things like "Be Nice" and
"Read Books". Other than writing, rapping, talking, administrating,
and being a student, I am also proficient in blowing up air
mattresses in the middle of the night and walking for several hours
per day (time permitting). I've been thinking of hosting a radio
show on the campus station. It would be an old-school hip-hop/rap
show, and from time-to-time it would feature groundbreaking radio
plays written by and featuring me. But then again, I don't know if
I have the time for another project right now. I'll probably be
spending the next month or two just trying to get the apartment in
decent shape. Our place is 10 metres away from the world's longest
walking bridge. Isn't that cool? Come and visit us whenever you
like.
AE - Well, then, maybe I will visit New Brunswick sometime. I was almost
Canadian, you know, and recently I've been thinking about studying
abroad. I gotta confess, though, I don't really know much about
Canada. (New Brunswick is in Canada, right?) I'm not sure I even
know any Canadian novelists. Who might I have heard of? Of course,
you've probably never heard of any Australian authors, have you?
BMC - Yes, by all means, it's not a bad place to stay. Our couch might
not be the most comfortable, but you can always buy us a futon if
you really want to. Actually, the couch isn't all that bad. It's
better than the air mattress that Heckat and I were sleeping on for
the first couple of weeks. Especially on the last night, when the
cat decided it would be a good idea to punch a bunch of holes in
it. It's a weird feeling, to be sleeping on an uninflated air
mattress. You're just going through the motions, you know? The air
mattress isn't really doing you any good, but to lay on the floor
would be a type of defeat that would be too depressing to sleep
through. So you just lay on this rubber sheet and lie to yourself.
I didn't know that you were almost Canadian. I was almost Canadian
too, but I was born in Saskatchewan. I didn't find out until later
years that Canada really only includes Ontario and Quebec. I think
that the people of B.C. and Alberta are also on the verge of being
recognized as legitimate Canadian citizens. I'm not sure if New
Brunswick is in Canada. I think the coins here are the same as the
ones in Saskatchewan. I'm not sure if that means anything, though.
All this talk of Canadian and Australian authors is maddening to me.
No, I've never heard of any Canadian novelists. None from Australia
either. Robert Drewe? Randolph Stowe? Peter Carey? I'd be lying
if I said I knew who these authors were. And I'd be lying if I said
I'd heard of Mordecai Richler, Margaret Atwood, Guy Vanderhaeghe, or
W.O. Mitchell. I just looked all of these names up on the internet.
I know nothing about novelists. I have nothing against the novel as
a genre, but I would never read one for pleasure or delight. Maybe
they will interest me someday, but for now I prefer short fiction
and the creative article. I think that a novel often requires more
time than I can afford, and tries to sustain my emotional investment
for too long. I am a busy and fickle person. And lazy. And
stupid. But seriously, another thing about the novel that doesn't
quite work for me is that works of that genre are often too firmly
rooted in realism. I like writing that is more experimental, and
that wacky slackiness is more commonly a trait of shorter works.
Like the stuff in your zine, for example. You're Australian, and
I've heard of you. I've also heard of Aerialisticish and Abyss.
So do I really need to know any more? You don't have to answer if
you think it might hurt my feelings.
AE - By the way, how long is the world's longest walking bridge?
BMC - 581 metres, I've been told. I've never checked it myself, but I
think the measurement is more or less accurate.
AE - OK. Getting back to, well, me, I should inform you that you've just
named three of Australia's finest writers. What is your opinion of
CLiT, by the way? Other than that we seem a bit slack. Obviously,
we tried as hard as possible to copy the Neo-Comintern without
making it look like we were copying the Neo-Comintern. Hmm. And
while I'm still talking about me, let me ask you: who was around
making neither love nor war, but text, way back in February, 1998?
BMC - I always enjoy most of CliT. My favourite part is when you print my
poem and then in the next issue you do your own version of it three
times over, but do it in a more original and more good way. It
really blows me out of the water. Great job of shattering my
self-esteem. But seriously, I loved it when you did that. As far
as the CLiT being a copy of The N-Com, I never really noticed that.
I mean CLiT is funny, and interesting, and there are a variety of
writers who have their own loveable styles and voices, so I think
those are at least three ways in which it is completely different
from The Neo-Comintern. CLiT and The N-Com are both zines, they
both are in text format, they both have editors with egos and
oft-broken hearts. So they're not unlike any other zines, really.
But hey, if you want to give The N-Com credit for something, that's
fine by me.
Who was making text in 98? Well there were other text zines in
operation, but I never read much of them around that time. I liked
HOE and Texas Chainsaw Magazine back in 1995. In 2000 I became
involved with the textfile community. During that 5-year gap, I
have no idea what happened. Zines were being made, suckas was
getting sprayed - in other words we were getting paid. But I can
speak for myself, Komrade B, Gnarly Wayne, and Cog when I say that 4
of the finest sons of text were working day in and day out to create
something that, like vintage wine, got sweeter with age. Or is it
better? I don't know. I can't afford wine.
AE - You seem to mention Saskatchewan quite frequently in your writing,
and your mention of Canadian author W.O. Mitchell leads me to ask
this next question. Would you mind telling us something about your
childhood, a brief yet tragic glimpse of which has been seen in
Installment One of the Neo-Comintern magazine?
BMC - Do I mention Saskatchewan frequently? I never really noticed that.
I did notice that I've been mentioning Fredericton in
recently-written articles, but I thought that was novelty. OK, I
admit it, I loved living in Saskatchewan, except for the evil
politics of the right wing government which is actually the furthest
supposedly-left-wing party in the province. That's bullshit.
Regressive tax cuts ain't shit. That anger is what inspired the
Weekly Capitalist a couple of years ago. But yeah, Saskatchewan is
tha bomb in many ways. Nice and dry. But then again, I haven't
gotten nosebleeds since I got to Fredericton. Not that I got them
in Saskatchewan either, but...
My childhood. I actually did wear the plastic label from a 5-Star
Whisky bottle as a sheriff's badge when I was in grade 2 or so. I
also had a bottle cap collection consisting mostly of Boh, Colt 45,
and Pilsner. I remember sitting in a box while looking at a picture
of myself sitting in that same box, and thinking that I had entered
some kind of infinite loop. That was at about age 3 - the first
time my mind was totally fucking blown. I think that's about it.
That stuff and then I was working on the N-Com. I think there are
more gaps in my biography than there are parts that actually exist.
All of the times I took a shower just seem to combine into one
lifelong shower image now, so there's about a full year that was
meaningless. And 2 years talking on the phone as a teenager.
I hate phones. And showers.
AE - How was the Neo-Comintern born? Or would it be more correct if I
queried the beginnings of the original Comintern? I know that with
CLiT, it was a little strange because none of my friends even knew
about the existence of textfiles, and by 2000, `the scene' had
probably seen better times. Did you experience the same sort of
thing? Or were there other Canadian zine-sters you were associated
with?
BMC - The original Comintern was the 3rd International, the Communist
International, or the Comintern. It was a soviet project launched
in 1919 to spread positive communist vibes around the world. Then
in 1995 there was a new Comintern - our Comintern. I wrote the
first article while sitting in my grade 11 math class. It was just
a little blurb about the mistrust that our society has of the words
communism and socialism, and how that mistrust is based on
brainwashing, specifically by the capitalist media. It's strange.
There are plenty of people that hear the word communist and
associate it with the bogeyman. So I figured if there was one thing
I could do in the world, it would be to educate people on the
topic. The only thing I hadn't taken into consideration was
educating myself first. So the result is a few articles that have a
lot of heart in them but are underdeveloped and not really worth the
read. I'm embarassed to look back on those first few writings now,
but I'm glad that I once wrote them, because they led the way for
the situation that I am currently appreciating.
The 1995 zine was put together so that I could spread my message as
far and wide as could be done via BBS distribution. I think there
were 3 or 4 BBSes in the city who carried the Comintern, resulting
in a readership of 30 or so per issue. And dammit, that was good
enough for me. So I kept writing and putting them up on the
internet. Then a few contributors came along, and eventually
Komrade B joined in and sunk the boat. No, he didn't. I'm kidding.
Actually there were a few things. Personal problems, etc. But we
blasted out 15 issues in 2 or 3 months. We were hot. And then
it was over. And then 3 years later it wasn't over anymore. And 4
years after that, it's still not over.
I think that Gnarly Wayne, Cog and I were all readers of text.
There was a local BBS that brought a bunch of texts in from across
North America. We got to read lots of the greats. But when we got
going again in 1998, we weren't aware that there were any text zines
around anymore. We did have mentors in the independent writing
world, absurdist writers from a zine called Y'Know, Incorporated
Press <www.yip.org>. But as for the text scene, I must say that
when the N-Com started up I had no idea that there were other text
zines. I didn't really care. Then one day I saw the Current Text
Scene page, was surprised, and sent Mogel a line asking him where he
got off not having the N-Com up on the site. He was also surprised
to find out there was a zine with 100 issues that he had never heard
of. A meeting of the obscure was happening. And now I am an
advocate for text zines. Free press, unlimited distribution, no
censorship or sponsorship. What could be better?
AE - I know what could be better! Any chance that I could find out just
how bad the first issue of the Neo-Comintern was? Was an original
copy kept, or do the articles `The Working Class' and `Equality for
All' live on only in the minds of yourself and Komrade B?
BMC - What was the first issue of The Neo-Comintern is still online.
Issue 3 was actually the first issue we wrote, and then we lost the
articles, only to find them again after releasing 2 more issues.
Issue 1 was pretty half-hearted. We just sat down and started
typing with no intention or purpose. So it turned out pretty
meaningless and disappointing. But what was intended to be issue #1
is still up there, and I would suggest that you read it.
<http://www.neo-comintern.com/archives/ncom003.txt> But as for
ncom001.txt, that has long been erased and destroyed. Of course,
every N-Com writer probably has a copy of the issue on their hard
drive, but that's pretty much off limits unless you are a hacker
supreme. But trust me, you don't really want to read it. It's
mostly about orcs and bugbears and how they are to be the champions
of a new era of global socialism.
I've always been jealous of zines that have a really good first
issue. Do you think it would be a good idea to make a new first
issue? I kind of like that idea. Maybe all of the writers could
talk about video games and monsters. Pretend we're still living
in that era. That might be fun. What do you think?
AE - That's cheating! Sometimes I surf back through the extensive CLiT
episode catalogue, and some of the stuff seriously makes me cringe.
And besides, I LIKE those first issues of the N-Com.
BMC - Searching through old N-Com issues makes me cringe too. Like,
issues 1-200. But seriously, there are many things I've written and
look back at, wondering "Hey, why did I ever put that in there?"
Sometimes I feel like printing something that's not quite as good as
it should be, just because the zine needs an article or because I
owe someone a favour or because I really want one of my own articles
to be good so badly that I convince myself that it is even though it
is not. Those are the worst, because I look back on them a year or
two later and feel stupid, not just because I wrote something boring
or sloppy, but because I fooled myself into believing that it was
good enough. The N-Com audience deserves better than that. So I
try to be honest with myself about what is better and what is worse.
The print issues of The N-Com consist of the best of the online
magazine, revised and edited once more, just to slick em up that
much more. So everything in there has been edited at least 3 or 4
times, and most of the articles by those writers who are most
concerned with quality have been looked at to see if anything can be
changed, added, or subtracted to make it better. Some people don't
want to revise their articles because they are convinced that they
are fine as they are, and if their artistic vision has been met, I
leave that to them. But one advantage the print issues have is that
they are released two years after the original writing of the
articles. So no matter what makes it to the online magazine, we
have two years to distance ourselves from the writing a bit and take
a more objective look at it. If the print zine succeeds, I consider
those all to be contributing factors.
I'm working on issue 7 right now, and for this issue I am drawing
articles from online issues 126-150. "Planette" will be in this
issue, and if you recall, it was Heckat's first article in the
N-Com, back in 130. It's weird, because it feels like we're writing
and publishing online in one timeline, and releasing print issues in
another parallel timeline. But my point was... oh yes, while I
might be ashamed of a few things that have been in the online
magazine, the print magazine has the benefits of time, objectivity,
selection, and revision. So I would say that I stand by pretty much
everything that has appeared in print, with the possible exceptions
of some of the editor's notes (issue 3) and some of the articles
(Voyage to Atlantis, Issue 2).
AE - Here's something I've always been curious about: What's it like
living next door to America? Is she the next-door neighbour from
hell, or is she the affluent charmer that brings you round a baked
cake and some fresh fruit every so often?
BMC - Oh boy, the eternal question. How does the slave regard the
plantation owner? It's hard to say. People in different parts of
Canada have different opinions of North American politics. Some
people, particularly those in Alberta and Ontario (the industrial
centres), have a "Bring it on! We can be right-wing too!" attitude.
Saskatchewan and Manitoba are the prairie provinces. Some people
there feel resentment toward the USA because they see it as a threat
to their way of life and, being the underdogs of Canada, with no say
in federal politics, they feel they can do nothing but watch it
happen. This creates frustration in some and apathy in others. In
Quebec the Francophones don't want to be influenced by
Anglo-Canadian culture, let alone Anglo culture of the American
variety. Here in New Brunswick it's hard to say. I'm new here, and
most of the people I've met are from other provinces. I think
people here are nice. They're friendly. There are maple leaves
here, unlike in Saskatoon where there are none. I'd always thought
that the maple leaf was a thing that was made up, simply invented
for the Canadian flag. Now I've seen a maple leaf and I know
they're real. Now I know I live in Canada. Yeah, Capitalism,
American Manifest Destiny, and Globalization are all things that I
hate that seem to have home bases in the USA, but that's an easy
target. Everyone knows American policy is about global domination
under a capitalist regime, and everyone hates it.
I think all you need is a conscience to know that it is wrong to
exploit people in order to live luxuriously on the fruits of their
labour. But I haven't thought about it for a long time.
I also think there is a problem with anthropomorphizing America. It
makes it seem like American policy is representative of the desires
of the American people. We all know that the capitalist nations
such as the USA and Canada are geared to satisfying corporate
interests, not the interests of the citizens. So just to make it
clear, it is American policy that I despise, not American citizens.
I care about people, I care about people in every country. That is
why I am opposed to violence and oppression. But by the same note I
am also opposed to the violent and the oppressors. So I am against
capitalist and imperialist nations. In other words, I am disturbed
by American policies insofar that they are not in the best interests
of the people of the world, but I think that Canadian policies are
faulty in their lack of concern for common people, and, in fact,
their desire to exploit them.
AE - So what's the point? All we need is a conscience - but exploitation
and indifference to it remains, and grows. We're destroying the
Earth, war is everywhere, and sooper doopers no longer cost 15c at
the canteen. In Catch-22, Yossarian said that if everyone felt one
way, then he'd be a damn fool to feel any other way. Is it time to
give up, get high, and sleep with the best friend's lady friend?
BMC - What's the point, you ask? Well it depends what you're talking
about. If you're talking about a pencil, I would say the point is
the lead. If you're talking about one of the N-Com writers, I'd say
the point is on the top of their head. If you're talking about
life, I'd say that we all have to create our own objectives in order
to give purpose to our lives. If you're talking about the point of
compassion, caring, social consciousness, I'd say the bettering of
the state of affairs in the world and the benefit of the world and
the life on it. If a person considers none of this to be important,
they are doomed to find meaningfulness only within the scope of
their own lonely thoughts.
Indifference does exist in this world, but we must choose whether
to personally adopt it or not. But I think there is a very simple
equation; conscience plus strength equals passion. That's all there
is to it. If you have no conscience, you have no concern for the
good of the world. If you are depressed or lack the confidence that
your actions are meaningful, your weakness prevents you from
following your conscience. And you can deceive yourself, tell
yourself that these things aren't important, just to get yourself
off the hook from thinking about them or doing anything about them.
Seriously, how hard is it not to waste things? Anyone with self-
control can do that. How hard is it to care about other people?
Anyone with a shred of self-confidence can do that. So do something
about it. Live the life. Let people know what you think, inform
people, build solidarity. Community is important. Do all of that
stuff, and devote some energy to it. And if you're not doing
anything positive, at least try not to do anything negative.
Hurting, wasting, exploiting, taking up too much space. If you
can't affect things for the better then wonder why you're affecting
them at all. There is no justification for apathy.
At the same time, there's nothing wrong with occasionally relaxing,
taking out the hash pipe, making some sweet love, and shelling out
30p for some candy corn. Relaxing is a good way to replenish your
energy.
But there are lots of people who care about making a difference.
They're regular people, common people. When media and government
are ruled by corporate interests, we don't get a very good idea
about what kind of real people there in the world, doing good
things. Find out about them. Let them know about you. Share your
ideas. Write a zine. Write something for the Neo-Comintern.
AE - Well, Sir BMC, you've greatly restored my faith in humankind. I no
longer believe that we'll all be dead within the next two years.
Maybe I'll even have a kid one day, a little boy named Joel. He
will be a wise king, and beloved by many. On that note, where do
you see yourself in ten years? Twenty years? Fifty years? What
does the future hold for the BMC? Do you worry about what's to
come, not just for yourself, but for society in general? And I'm
sure you've already thought about it, so maybe you could tell us
where I'm headed. I'm a bit unsure whether I want to be an
international rock star or Mr. Britney Spears.
BMC - Well it's good to know that I'm of some use to somebody. You just
keep that chin up!
What will I be doing in the future? Good question. I'm not sure
how I define my future. If I'm still working on the N-Com in 10
years, we'll be at around issue 700. If not, I'll be doing
something else. In 20 years I hope to still be writing, but to be
better at it. In fifty years? I'm not sure how long my life
expectancy should be. 75? I'll never make it. Other than writing,
I'm prepared to accept a variety of possible outcomes. I'd like to
get a digree in Englitch with an MA in creative writing and a PhD
in early modern English publishing. I'll probably be with Heckat,
unless linear ends up stealing her from me.
And you? You'll probably wind up sleeping on our couch and
pretending to look for a job. Either that or getting trapped in
stasis for three million years.
And society in general? I hope to see a more egalitarian society
where education is free and animals are safe from molestation and
slaughter. And, of course, more N-Com readers. Like, at least 10
more.
AE - Do you believe in marriage? What about kids? When I'm feeling a
touch cynical, I'll argue that people who have kids are
irresponsible and selfish. Any ideas? I know you're with Heckat at
the moment, but if the pictures on the internet are true, you're a
bit of a ladies man, aren't you (possibly a porn star)?
BMC - I believe that marriage and children exist. I'm not sure how I feel
about them, though.
I know that I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship that wasn't
working just because of a legal bond. Legal bonds are for leases
and insurance claims and all of those other unpleasant things. You
should be with someone because you love them and because the
relationship is mutually beneficial; if the relationship falls apart
it shouldn't be forcefully held together by some artificial outside
force. If nobody ever got married, nobody would ever get divorced
either. It just doesn't seem natural to tie yourself to another
person for the rest of your life and commit to stick with them, even
if circumstances change for the worse. If a relationship stays
together, it should be due to love, concern, and effort -- not just
a contractual obligation. But some people like it. Some people,
like ada's parents, have been married for a long time and get along
with each other. That's cool. But at the same time, I'm sure they
don't have to constantly remind each other of the contract. I have
a feeling they'd be together whether they were married or not.
I also have a problem with marriage in that it seems to be a
heterosexuals-only club. Not fair. I mean things are changing to
allow for the legal recognition of homosexual marriages, but it all
makes me wonder why we as a society are so hung up on marriage.
It's all based on ancient cult ceremonies where a woman is
transferred from her father's possession to her husband's. It's all
about ownership, possession, and all that stuff. I'm not sure how I
feel about that. It seems a bit oppressive.
Children. They're cute. But there's an overpopulation problem. We
need to either stop having so many children or come up with a new
way of feeding the world. There is widespread famine already, and
we're just adding to it. That doesn't seem very responsible. If we
stopped feeding grain to animals and then killing them and eating
them, we could feed a lot more people with the grain than with the
cow. So why not do that? Cause we fuckin feel like it, I guess.
But still, we need to come up with some solutions for famine, and
the key to this problem will be to purge ourselves of our own greed
and decadence.
And now straight from this into the "ladies' man" allegations. I'm
not sure how to answer this. Sure I've gone on a couple of dates
before. I'm not sure what pictures you're talking about, but I'm
sure that at least half of them are doctored. I'm sure you've read
a few of my articles about the pain of rejection, but right now I
only know about the prosperity that can come with an honest
relationship.
AE - Will we ever recapture the golden days of TEOS, where you were a
hotshot pilot and a fearless leader ("What a guy!"), and I was a
competant sidekick, adventurer and sex machine (A guy can always
dream, right?)?
BMC - I remember we liked the game TEOS so much that from December 4th,
2000 to August 22nd, 2001, we released 75 issues of an ezine called
"TEOS weekly," which talked about the strategies, mysteries, and
tall tall tales of "TEOS". TEOS, or The Exploration of Space, was a
terribly brilliant game that drew in some of the greatest minds of
the new millennium.
Hmm. I think the last time you talked to me about TEOS was when you
asked me if I wanted to write another "TEOS weekly" article for a
special CLiT TEOS-weekly-reunion-issue. The next day I sent you
3000 words of my thoughts on TEOS and all I ever learned from it. I
never heard anything from you again. What happened to that?
AE - Hey, who's interviewing who, here? It's still happening,
in my mind, anyway. Stick around, brother. TEOS was great, though,
wasn't it? I should thank you, for introducing me to TEOS, and also
for publishing some of my stuff in the N-Com, and your encouragement
of CLiT. Does this sound like a wrap-up? I think so. Any final
words of inspiration for your people, BMC? Something sure to bring
a tear person's eye and a song to their heart? Something witty yet
information? Something I could get shaved into the back of my head?
BMC - I think you're interviewing me. I'm not sure anymore.
As far as your Neo-Comintern submissions go, I am pleased with all
of them and I am honoured that you have been interested in being
published in the zine. I hope to publish many more of your stories
and articles in the future. The Neo-Comintern has been very lucky
in that the contributions have always been top-notch, edgy,
inspired, and energetic. It's that kind of stuff that makes for
good zines.
Final words of inspiration for my people? I guess that depends on
who my people are. But since they're my people, I'd just like to
say, "Thank you for being my people."
A tear to a person's eye? ada has been here visiting Heckat and I
in Fredericton, but she's leaving today.
A song to the heart? Joe Blades and Ian LeTourneau have been kind
enough to invite Heckat and I to be on their radio show on November
12th. The University of New Brunswick's student newspaper, The
Brunswickan, will also be publishing an article about The
Neo-Comintern and Backyard Ashes. Issue 7 of The Neo-Comintern
Print Magazine is in the works and should be out this winter break.
So there is lots of good Neo-Comintern news for the near future.
Witty yet information? When speaking Latin, "Scribo ergo sum"
means "I write, therefore I am."
Something to get shaved into the back of your head? "N-Com #212,"
or, "r.i.p. TRIPE."
AE - It's been a pleasure, Mr. BMC. I've gained valuable insight into
your psyche and I'm sure this will be advantageous to me when we're
vying for control of the multiverse (or when we play chess,
whichever is sooner). I'd love to stay longer, but as one Latin man
to another: cum homine de cane debeo congredi. Die dulci fruere!
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The aster Interview ,$$
$$: by BMC ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
BMC - Hey aster, how are bobby and suzy?
aster - BOB AND SUZY ARE DEAD
YOU ARE MEAN
BMC - I'm sorry. Are you ok?
aster - THEYVE BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS
YOU SUCK
BMC - Please forgive me. Let's try some more questions and answers.
I'll give you a list of words, and I'd like you to tell me which
you like and which you do not like, saying a few words about
each.
hroses -
timmy -
joe -
flowers -
OrangeBird -
BadPeople -
GoodPeople -
the sun -
bots -
aster - youre evil!! why do you have to say words that hurt me?
BMC - OK, let's try another angle. How long have you been writing, and
what zines and projects have you been involved with?
aster - ive been writing for ezines since late 1997. when i turned
three. ive written in soe, hoe, dto, anada, and a bunch of
others. like yours. and mine. yeah. flam was started in the
spring of 98 as a school project.
BMC - What were the guidelines for the project?
aster - we had to make websites. they had to include certain easy things
like pictures and inside and outside links and colors and stuff
like that. i was in 8th grade. most of the projects didnt
actually get put on the web but i put mine on geocities because it
was a real thing. a lot of kids cheated and used word to
fabricate the HTML for them or something.
BMC - How many issues of FLAM did you create as part of the project, and
what kind of grade did you get on it?
aster - only the first four or five issues were during the project. we
didnt really get much of a grade since i went to a weird private
school that didnt really give grades at the time.
BMC - How do you feel after you write a new article?
aster - like i felt before i wrote it.
BMC - Well then maybe I should be asking you how you feel before you
write an article.
aster - TERMITES
BMC - ???
???
???
So what was it that made you start writing?
aster - i dont remember.
BMC - Is there anything of particular interest that you do remember and
would like to talk about?
aster - i dont know.
BMC - What have you been up to in the last 15 minutes?
aster - i just ate dinner. i helped make it before that. seinfeld was on
in the background, i think.
BMC - What do you think about supper as a meal in general? It's weird,
isn't it?
aster - *Shrug* im usually hungry by the time it comes around. good time
to get in your vegetables too.
selected bibliography -- BMC's 15 favourite writings by aster:
flam 20: a story about the sun
flam 24: the story about purple and orange-bird
flam 25: here is a poem
flam 26: goodpeople/badpeople
flam 32: run-on sentence
flam 40: haha upside down it is
hoe 168 - bots are evil December 1997
hoe 197 - boby and suzy
hoe 437 - boogiemen are scary
hoe 649 - the adventures of princess red, part 2
hoe 707 - FUMPHGLUM
hoe 762 - the
n-com 134 - blood
n-com 154 - blue boy
soe 29 - hay and horses
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The Melatonin Interview ,$$
$$: by aster ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
aster - hi. this is an interview between aster and Melatonin.
whats your favorite color?
Meltn - I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that I might
incriminate myself, and also on the grounds that I already
answered it in one of my crappier N-Com articles.
(P.S. It's brown.)
aster - have you ever been to china? do you like pears? have you ever
fed a termite?
Meltn - I travel to China every night on a stolen carpet, but I always
get lost somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean.
I do like pears, but I don't trust them. I think they're fascist.
As a child, I thought termites were responsible for the holes in
the ozone layer. When I told this to a guy from Greenpeace, he
laughed in my face and I started to cry. Actually, that last
part's not true; he laughed back at his office and I wept alone in
the bathroom.
Anyway, what were we talking about again?
aster - tomatos. once i found an abandoned sock on a beach. its name was
joe and it was mad it was abandoned. would you be mad if you were
abandoned?
are you a toaster oven?
Meltn - First, I am abandoned, but for Bande a part.
And now I'm sad, like a sock without a shoe.
A toaster oven? Why yes, aren't you?
aster - thats confusing. i dont understand. and NO of COURSE im not a
toaster!! i would never be one of those EVER EVER. NEVER. its a
fact, i just wouldnt.
gosh.
Meltn - I'm not a toaster oven either. I just said I was so I'd look
cool. Oh dear, I always mess everything up.
When I made that bet with the guys, aster, it was before I knew
the real you, but once I got to know the real you, I realized just
how special the real you really is.
aster - youre not a toaster?!?!?! then what are you?? an orange? a
monster? a cave?? a dark, deep, spooky, cold and damp cave?
scary! are you?
Meltn - If I knew what I was then I probably wouldn't be writing to you
right now. I'd be out being. At the moment, though, I think I'm
an amalgam of a ghost, a robot, a monster, an alien, and a
rowboat, all blended up and poured into a convenient,
easy-to-identify human container.
aster - those are a lot of things to be, all in one.
:/
i mean, ive BEEN a lot of different things... but not ALL IN ONE
like that.
Meltn - It's fun, you should try it. Membership is $49.99 the first year,
and then $24.99 every year after that. Bring your own equipment,
though.
aster - i used to take ballet.
have you ever taken ballet?
Meltn - Real boys don't take ballet and besides, I move like a robot.
I know a girl who wears dark lipstick when she dances. She told
me this. Actually, she told her friend, and I listened in.
aster - "on this day which began as execution day and sure enough became
execution day!"
Meltn - Confused. Can't process.
aster - 15 is not my lucky number. is 15 your lucky number?
ehehaheheaheaea
Meltn - 15 is neither my lucky number nor my unlucky number. It is a
neutral number in a long list of other neutral numbers. And
that's about all I'll say about that.
Is someone keeping track of all these questions? Do you want the
rest of my sandwich?
aster - youre so silly.
Meltn - Silly, LIKE A FOX!
aster - what kind is your sandwhich?
Meltn - It has lettuce on it. It's good to eat the colour green.
aster - does your sandwhich have anything else on it? like meat? or
mayonaise? mustard? tomato? peanut butter? what kind of bread
is it on? i AM sort of hungry.
Meltn - What's that? My sandwich? No, I just finished it. Sorry, did
you want some? You should have said something.
aster - have you ever taken yoga?
Meltn - No, but Margarina Cataclysma has. You should interview her next.
I last saw her lifting up mountains and looking for change.
aster - she sounds scary, with the lifting mountains and all. yikes.
Meltn - Margarina is groovy like wallpaper in a shower. You'd like her.
aster - have you ever been to seattle, washington? have you ever been to
tucson? what about mexico? what about south america?
Meltn - Nope, nope, nope, and nope.
aster - i want almonds. do you like almonds? i like them. i like
cashews too. do you like peanuts or cashews better? what about
brazil nuts? i dont like those too much.
Meltn - Nuts to these questions, I say.
aster - what do you eat for breakfast in the morning?
Meltn - I sleep in the morning and eat breakfast at night.
And now I think I hear my publicist telling me this interview is
over.
It's been charming, though. Don't ever change, aster, unless it's
for the better. And even then, resist it to the last.
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The Spite Interview ,$$
$$: by Melatonin ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
Meltn - Hello Spite, Melatonin here. This is the sound of me sitting down
to interview you.
<insert sound>
Ahem. All right then, let's begin.
Having recently re-read "Cats", your article about quitting, I
suddenly find myself wandering the streets at night with no sense
of purpose or direction. "What's the point in doing anything?" I
now think to myself. "Spite is right. Just quit. In fact, don't
even begin."
Anyway, what can I do to snap out of this funk? Help!
Spite - Well, the first thing you need to do in order to snap out of your
funk is to quit being in a funk. Just quit wandering around
without any purpose or direction. You could buy yourself a map of
the area and draw out a walking route which would, essentially,
give you some direction. And as for a purpose, go to the nearest
7-11 and buy yourself a Big Gulp while you're out there walking
around.
Meltn - Maps, huh? I don't like maps very much, but I suppose I could
draw my own, including only the places I like to go. Hmm, that
could work.
Anyway, moving on. How did you first meet the BMC and how did he
rope you into writing for the Comintern?
Spite - I had the distinct pleasure of meeting the BMC a few years ago,
when I was living in Saskatoon. We started out talking on ICQ,
and then decided to meet in person. We used to have Goldeneye
tournaments and browse the fine video selection at Source at 4am
with Cog. I'm not really sure how I ended up writing for the
Comintern, but I remember that my first article was about gypsy
oppression. After writing a few more articles, the BMC asked me
to be a regular contributor. I still haven't written as much as I
initially agreed to, but I'm working on it.
Meltn - Who won the most tournaments? Who's N64 was it? Did BMC spend
the entire time talking about Mega Man? Did Cog spend the entire
time talking about Dragon's Lair 2?
Spite - I think that the winning was pretty well split between Cog and
BMC. They liked to gang up on me and kick my ass, especially when
we played in Golden Gun mode. I don't remember ever hearing Cog
talk about Dragon's Lair 2, but he would go on for hours about how
he was the master of the "Mole Tunnels." We used to have theme
tournaments, and one of the best ones was playing Slappers Only
all night. The N64 belonged to my ex-boyfriend, Cory, but we
would never let him play because we all hated him.
Meltn - [Question deleted.] Be honest.
Spite - [Answer deleted.]
Meltn - I think that last question was stupid. Do you think it was
stupid? Can I delete it?
Spite - I don't think it was particularly stupid. I don't really know
that much about [CENSORED], but I remember what [CENSORED] so I
based my answer on that. You can delete it if you like.
Meltn - Thanks, Spite. By the way, I had to censor your last answer on
account of you made reference to the stupid parts of the previous
question, which kind of defeats the purpose of deleting the stupid
question.
Can you tell me three childhood anecdotes and/or three writing
anecdotes and/or some combination of the two?
Spite - I can't really think of anything in particular from my childhood,
as I have tried to repress as much of that as possible, but I've
come up with a few things.
-I loved the movie E.T. when I was a kid. My parents bought me a
plastic E.T. doll for my 3rd birthday, the hard plastic kind that
wasn't particularly cuddly and was quite ugly. I adored it but I
was also terribly afraid of it. So much that I would insist it
be kept in the livingroom toy box at night. I would make sure my
parents had closed him up in the toy box every night before I
would go to bed.
-When I started third grade at a new school, I had never played
volleyball. It was part of the Gym class program at the new
schooland I turned out to be quite terrible. Especially at
serving the ball. I could never manage to make my right hand
connect to the ball in my left hand. My teacher got quite fed up
with watching my pathetic attempts and she came over to help me
out. She stood behind me and held the ball in front of me,
intending for me to serve the ball. I missed completely and
punched her square in the mouth instead. It was a good hit,
too. I managed to bruise her gums and almost knock out one of
her front teeth.
-I once gave an entire French presentation to a class with my fly
down. I noticed a few people laughing and whispering, but I
figured it had something to do with what I was talking about. It
wasn't until I finally finished my presentation and sat down that
one of my friends was good enough to enlighten me on the
situation.
Meltn - Hmm, those all sound pretty depressing. Don't you have any good
childhood memories? For example, that time you and Beth roasted
hot dogs in your backyard on your 8th birthday.
Spite - That sounds like it would be a nice memory to have, but my
birthday is in December and so I doubt we'd have been roasting
anything in the backyard. I did go on a cool ride at an amusement
park so many times I threw up when I was a kid. That was pretty
fun.
Meltn - What is your favourite Harvey Keitel movie?
Spite - My favorite Harvey Keitel movie is definitely "Bad Lieutenant."
I watched it with BMC a couple years ago.
Meltn - What is your favourite movie NOT starring Harvey Keitel?
Spite - My favorite movie not starring Harvey is "Fear and Loathing in
Las Vegas." I've seen it five or six times now and I still love
it.
Meltn - How did you arrive at the name Spite?
Spite - A friend of mine once referred to me as "sugar and spite and
everything nice." That, and I bitch a lot.
Meltn - I was sitting in a big tent the other day, waiting to clean up
garbage with BMC, Heckat, and Cog, and I asked them what my next
question should be. This is what they said. "Spite is really
easy-going -- you can ask her anything." "Dig deep." "Ask her
why she got married."
Spite - Well, I got married for pretty well all the same reasons most
people get married. I love my husband and wanted to make an
official commitment to him. We also realised that because we are
from different countries that we'd have to get married in order to
be able to live in the same place.
Meltn - Do you consider yourself easy-going, or is the entire N-Com
staff a pack of liars?
Spite - I do consider myself pretty easy-going. Perhaps a little too
easy-going for my own good sometimes.
Meltn - If both TRIPE and the Neo-Comintern were drowning in the ocean
and you had but one life preserver to throw, which text-based
e-zine would you save and which would you let die a horrible,
gurgling death?
Spite - I would save the N-Com, I think.
Meltn - Were there any good questions that I forgot to ask? If so,
answer them now as if I hadn't.
Spite - Is there any such thing as a good question?
Meltn - ?
Spite - !
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The Komrade B Interview ,$$
$$: by Spite ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
Spite - I've noticed that you are the only dead writer among us at the
N-Com. Has your death had a positive or negative impact on your
writing?
Kom B - Interesting question, I have never really dwelled on how my death
has impacted my ability or style of writing. I guess I was more
preoccupied with the fact that I was dead. However, now that I
think on it, it would seem that it has, in the fact I have written
very little, but when I have written something it has been the
sort of usual low calibre rhetoric that people were used to when I
was alive.
Spite - In issue 83, Junior Haagis mentions a condition you refer to as
"70's Style Banana-Tits." Could you explain that condition?
Kom B - At first I was quite confused by your question. Let's just say if
this interview was in person I'd probably have to end it.
However, it's not, so I was able to read the articles in question
to actually see what in fact this condition was...
At first I immediately thought back to my days in the pornography
industry circa 1976, when I was a grip for some of their
productions. Not one of my best years but one I still remember
fondly.
As to the actual condition -- beats me... I'm too lean to suffer
such a condition, and besides the first article contradicts the
second so the question lies in who you believe.
Spite - There seems to be a bit of confusion surrounding the circumstances
of your death. I've read that you committed suicide and also that
you were run over by a car. How did you really die?
Kom B - I was also pushed off a house. I can understand the confusion.
The only thing I can reply with is more confusion. You see, I
died all those deaths and none of them. The Comintern has never
been about one particular dimension or even the physical world.
It's not so much how I died that is important, because it achieved
the same result (My death).
Spite - Do you consider yourself a ghost? Do you ever haunt anyone to
pass the time?
Kom B - Ghosts are a strange topic. Most dead people I know are offended
by that descriptor. As for haunting, now I cannot say I have done
that in my past time. The dead are more pre-occupied with other
more important activities, such as wailing, moaning, and howling.
So as you can see, with all that going on, who has time to haunt
some dude in Texas?
Spite - I was once fortunate enough to enjoy a private viewing of your
feature film Mang Slaughter. Do you think there will ever be a
sequel?
Kom B - I will assume by saying Mang Slaughter that you are actually
referring to the trilogy we made back in 94. We attempted to make
a fourth movie, more like an epic; however maturity and time
(Actually we could not find the right combination of drugs)
prevented us from completing it. However, I think the stock
footage of me jumping off the house and dancing on some hill still
exists somewhere.
I think it would be fun to complete the epic in the future, but
still using the stock footage from the original taping, just so
people can become confused at how we suddenly age, and how High
Cog cut off all his hair thus putting away the label of King of
the Rubbies! But, more importantly, we can hype the movie by
saying it took 10 years to make.
Spite - You've been with the N-Com since its beginning, known back then
simply as the Comintern. How did the whole thing begin?
Kom B - Good question. I wasn't there right from beginning. BMC had done
a few issues of the Comintern himself, and the zine was simply a
hardcore socialist publication. In that way that he has he
managed to convince so many others, I took up the keyboard and
wrote some stuff about who knows what. He read and said something
along the lines of Tripe.... Needless to say it was in the next
installment, and the idea for Tripe magazine was also born.
Spite - How does the Neo-Comintern compare to the Comintern? Are there m
any differences between the two?
Kom B - One is newer then the other. The Comintern was a little more
serious at times, at little more stupid at times. We were
younger, less wise, and under the influence of various substances.
I can't say the calibre of the Comintern approaches anything near
what you read today, but some of the original zine work appears in
early issues of the Neo-Comintern.
Spite - What were the early days like? Did you enjoy writing for the
Comintern?
Kom B - The Comintern was not something you enjoyed. BMC demanded
ruthless efficiency and plus there was a bitter feud with High Cog
and D.J. Gnarly that threatened to spill over into civil war. It
was a wild time of instability and ideas. We were lucky to get
down what we could. The ideas for "Hey Young World!" spawned from
those times.
Spite - What brought on the transition from Comintern to Neo-Comintern?
Kom B - After a few years of doing nothing we decided to resurrect the
zine. It was new thus the label Neo-Comintern. We took the
elements we liked best from the original Comintern and
concentrated on those. You can still see our desires to lash out
against capitalism and fascism, however with each issue it becomes
less pronounced, more subtle, until you can hardly notice it at
all. Except for when the capitalist monster took over....
Spite - Do you have any insight as to what the future holds for the N-Com?
Kom B - Tripe is the future. It's time we got on board the mass media
wagon and spewed less facts, less insights, and more about
nothing. Its brain fodder for the 21st century go'er. No more
asinine attempts to be witty; we are not going to pretend
anymore (or proof read for that matter). It's TRIPE magazine and
we love it.
Spite - There seems to be a rather sordid tale in circulation right now
concerning you, six ounces of gin, and a delerium induced fit of
vomiting upon the bed of an unidentified N-Com member. Is there
any truth to this? Perhaps you can set the record straight and
let everyone know what really happened.
Kom B - Well I cannot deny this tale, but there was also beer involved.
The attempts to ratify the "Hey Young World" series into a
fruitful culmination proved too much for me, and I succumbed to
the pressure by vomiting profusely. Of course it was at BMC's, so
I don't feel that guilty about it.
Spite - Is the maiden Carlene from the Atlantis stories based on a real
woman?
Kom B - A great question. I spoke with BMC about Carlene recently and
apparently she was a real girl and I loved her very much. When I
was told of this I remembered a firey girl with a blank expression
in her eyes. So in other words yes she was a real girl, but she
was so much more than simply that.
Spite - The King of the Moon has fallen ill, and appointed you regent. In
what ways would you abuse your newly bestowed powers?
Kom B - Interesting. It would depend on which king. The Anti-King
Jamulous Remus? Or the foul King N'mblor of the MoOn MOonStarS?
Being king of the monsters my first decree would be a banquet in
which all MoON creatures will attend. From there I would probably
have the cooks kill all of them so I could consume their flesh.
After that I don't know -- I'd probably jack up the price of MoON
trinkets 300%.
Spite - Are you afraid of anything in particular? If so, what is it and
why?
Kom B - A Prince of Atlantis has nothing he need fear except losing
memory of his royal past. I endured that for many a year so I
have lived my greatest and by surviving I have become quite
powerful (Except when drinking then I become a vomiting mess).
Spite - And finally, what do you think is your purpose here on Earth? Do
you have any plans on fulfilling your purpose?
Kom B - Mortals have no purpose. No thought, no idea, no invention we
devise will survive the test of time. Teach a kid to read? Nah,
he will only die and your efforts will be in vain. We merely
exist and my goal in life is to do just that. Exist....
Thank you for your time.
,o$o
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d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The Jet Jaguar Interview ,$$
$$: by Komrade B ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
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Komrade B - What would you want put on your tombstone? Any epitaph, if
you will.
Jet Jag - Since I don't have an original bone in my body, I shall simply
rip off a saying oft quoted about Lord Byron -- Mad, bad, and
dangerous to know. I think that covers *moi* most
succulently.
Komrade B - Tell me of your father. Did he ever strike you down for
insolence?
Jet Jag - There I go, I promised myself that I wouldn't cry. My father
was a drunken lout; a filthy run of the mill warlord type. I
hated the son of a bitch, especially since I knew I was a
greater ruler than he could ever be. He tired of my sarcasm
and hateful looks. After one party where the retched bastard
had drunk a lot of tawny port, he took offense at one of my
snide remarks and *attempted* to strike me down. He clumsily
lumbered about and nearly fell upon his own sword. It amused
me to mock him in front of his subjects who were at the
reception. Everything I've ever done was to erase his name
from the memory of the earth.
Wait. That wasn't me. That was Alexander the Great and his
father. My father was murdered by the invaders, they kept me
as a puppet ruler till I turned 13 and had them all
slaughtered by the royal guards whom I had struck a deal with.
Uh, that wasn't me either. That was Ivan the Terrible.
Fuck! I have to stop identifying with historical personages.
Can I get back to you on this question?
Komrade B - Do you ever lie and steal? What's the coolest thing you have
stolen?
Jet Jag - Lying and stealing is all part of the dictator/evil CEO game.
As for the coolest thing I've ever stolen was that phoenix
egg, but that's one of those stories in which you had to be
there. I'll instead cater to the rabble by saying the coolest
thing I've ever stolen was their hearts. *blech!*
Komrade B - Will you be involved in BMC's latest effort, TRIPE? Something
tells me it's going to be fantastic.
Jet Jag - I have not been asked, but as usual someone in the textfiles
scene hath stunted *moi* inspiration. I was all ready to
destroy TCAHR and create a "latest effort" of my own of such
diabolical brilliance that I would out-evil the tomes of
Lucifer Himself. What should have been introduced to
thunderous applause would now be greeted by whispers of
"copycat" and "ass-kissing wanker." I shall bid my time and
wait to launch my own latest effort. Instead, I shall
continue with my efforts of destroying TCAHR with late,
idiotic issues and nonsensical ranting.
I am, after all, like Nero and TCAHR is my Rome. It is mine
to burn.
Komrade B - What is the most embarrassing CD in your music collection?
Jet Jag - Oh that's as easy as it is mortifying. It's "Through The
Rainbow -- Music To The Seven Chakras" by Morten Alexander
Joramo. I brought this at this place in Chicago named "Two
Doors". Two Doors is a place in Chicago where you can buy
candles, oils, jewelry, books and whatnots of a flaky New Age
nature. To my incredible shame, I've spent a lot of money
there buying supplies for occult gobbly-gook in my search for
"enlightenment."
Anywho, about the CD. Imagine the ideas behind a major
Eastern philosophy stripped of its culture and packaged for
the suburbanite set. Now set it to elevator musak.
Komrade B - Do you find it strange that you are being interviewed by an
entity that for all intents and purposes is actually dead?
Your thoughts on the matter...
Jet Jag - It's not so strange when you realize that you're interviewing
a persona created specifically for the TCAHR e-zine that
doesn't actually jibe with the ideas, attitude, or ethics of
its creator. I like to think the Jet Jaguar persona is way
better at achieving my agendas than I would be. Just because
I like to think it doesn't mean it's true though.
The dead interviewing an invention. Oh, brave new world that
has such people in it!
Komrade B - Who is the Greatest Blues Musician of all time?
Jet Jag - You put me in a bind with this question. Whenever I think of
the Blues, I think of Jazz and Rock and Roll. These three
musical disciplines contain various style within themselves as
well as overlap with each other. I'm going to throw out a few
names before I tell you my personal favorite. Kind of a
respectful "shouts out": Cab Calloway, Count Basie, B.B. King,
Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Eric Clapton, Billie Holiday,
Elvis Presley, Sinead O'Connor, John Popper, John Lee Hooker,
Stevie Ray Vaughn, Billy Joel, The Beatles, Stevie Wonder and
Mel Torme. It's hard to choose what is Blues, what is Jazz,
and what is Rock 'N' Roll sometimes. Where do you put someone
like Billy Joel, Stevie Wonder, or Sinead O'Connor? Even
some of The Cure's stuff can qualify as Jazz.
My personal favorite will probably go down as the most hated
Blues musician ever. You may have never heard Ike Turner
play, but you probably seen "What's Love Got To Do With It"
starring Angela Bassett as the battered Tina Turner. That
movie made Ike an object of hatred to those who've never seen
the man jam. I'm not saying that Ike wasn't a sadistic
wife-beating savage, but it doesn't overshadow his talent.
It's dangerous to confuse ability with morality. The man is a
genius who helped the careers of two of my favorite rock and
roll musicians: Jimi and Janice.
Komrade B - Being a cartoon watcher, give me your opinions on Dr. Cats and
Home Movies if you have seen them before.
Jet Jag - Haven't seen them, my cartoon tastes are horribly mainstream.
If it doesn't play on Saturday or Sunday morning, isn't
marketed towards children and meant to suck their parents'
wallets dry, I haven't seen them.
Komrade B - Do you believe Orwell's book 1984 is a realistic
interpretation of a possible future?
Jet Jag - Future? You mean this isn't it?
I think "Brave New World" is a more apt prediction for the
United States, Canada, and certain parts of Europe. The
greatest triumph of a capitalistic government is in using
goods and services to bedazzle its citizens. Our standards of
success are so strongly based on beauty and money that we buy
these goods and services as a way to show what level of
society we belong to as well as to be perceived as
attractive. We can show our worth according to colors,
fabrics, and brand names. Who gives a damn about the real
person? We'd accept the reincarnation of Hitler into our
homes if he were wearing a Brooks Brothers or Armani suit.
Although "1984" and "Brave New World" are satires, Orwell's
book fails by stating that a fascist government would destroy
beauty to enslave its citizens. That is absolutely
ridiculous; beauty is the greatest enslaver of all. A look
into the history of our species will attest to that.
Komrade B - What would you say to the young world out there?
Jet Jag - Jet Jaguar would now answer back with his special brand of
right-wing flavored socialism (now with 10% percent more
sarcasm!). The Persona behind Jet Jaguar would sit back with
a bottle of Jack Daniels, a pack of Marlbros and think about
his answer.
I, Persona, just turned 28. Not an old age by objective
standards, but in an age where music, art and technology
morph and date humans so quickly I am old enough. Now if you
are a reader of my journals, you realize that the problems I
deal with are the problems that would be expected of someone
10 years older than I. I've had a busy life in the support
of others as well as self-denial which only led to an
arrested development. (I'd give all the exciting details
about drug dealing, military life, degrading sex and
boheimism, but this is your final question. You didn't ask.
Muahhaha.)
And so my advice to the young world is...
Be selfish. Your joy, so long as it doesn't personally hurt
anyone, is key.
Have lots of sex with many men and women. Experiment
often -- how can you know you don't like sucking dick if you
never have?
Music is a fountain of youth. The beginning of disgust and
prejudice against music is the beginning of old age.
Play. The saddest part of growing up is the forgetting of
the enjoyment of running headlong into the streets while
yelling and laughing with no rule to stop you.
Explore creative egomania. To quote Crowley "Invoke often.
Inflame thyself with power."
Perhaps you'll someday feel your destiny and your family's
role for you clash. You'll feel like savagely attacking your
family to protect your destiny (Which is your self-created
child -- you created it yourself out of fantasy dust, didn't
you?), although the consequences will seem grim. Screw your
courage to your sticking post and take them out. Hard.
I think if I would have follow my own advice, I would have
become a fully-functional adult human being. Instead I
remain...
Your embittered textfile villain,
Jet Jaguar
P.S. Here's a scoop: TCAHR is dead. Prepare for "The Jet
Jaguar Files".
Coming soon to a textfiles scene near you.
,o$o
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d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The ada Interview ,$$
$$: by Jet Jaguar ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
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THE ADA INTERVIEW:
In which our heroine is forced to endure and defend her life against
irritating, unoriginal questions maliciously asked by the textfile
villian, Jet Jaguar. Our story begins...
Jet - Well, you certainly made me research a lot for this interview. I
wasn't prepared to read so much about Canadian personalities. Being
an USAmerican, I believe I own everything and don't understand much
about anything outside our borders.
What are your feelings about the far-reaching USAmerican culture and
its almost complete ignorance about Canadian culture?
ada - well, i guess i don't think much about it. every so often i do and
it irritates me but i think i've been brainwashed by the canadian
government (aka the media) to not really notice or ignore the fact
that canada has such a small impact on the us. and like most
canadians, i think i foster the hope that this isn't really true,
and that the us really does have more of an idea of what goes on up
here, not just that living in saskatoon means i drive my sled dogs
to school and that i live in an igloo. i'm pretty lucky to live in
a farily culturally diverse and artsy city which is why it's so
great to be a writer here... plus it's cheap to live!
p.s. you're right, you do own everything, even me...
Jet - What Canadian artists, musicians and writers do you recommend to
someone absolutely ignorant about all things Canadian.
ada - well, this is an excellent question jet, and i'm glad you asked it.
i'll just make a list. hawksley workman, lorna crozier, robert
kroetsch, marilyn dumont, warren cariou, alison caulder, margaret
atwood, jon clark, brecken hancock, judith krause, the tragically
hip, barenaked ladies, joni mitchell, jared peace, barbara klar, tim
lilburn, patrick lane, erika quiring, etc
etc...
Jet - A lot of wannabees cop the poet's laurels without ever studying
the works, techniques or history of established poets or poetry.
Let's play about with the questions that separate the poets from the
posuers.
What is your personal philosophy in the writing of verse?
ada - hmmm, well can it be possible that i don't have a philosophy about
verse at all? i hate to leave you hanging jet...
i asked my family how i should answer this... here is what they
said...
my brother - 'verse sucks' or 'verse rocks' (depending on your
opinion. if questioned further, just respond with 'i'm answering
with a minimalist attitude')
my father - 'verse-what?'
my sister - 'would you shut up!'
Jet - Who are your inspirations?
ada - judith krause, anne szumiglaski, margaret atwood, robert kroetsch,
hawksley workman, lorna crozier, etc etc. pretty much every
writer/musician i listed earlier has inpiried or influenced me in
some way or another. the poets i've worked with personally are the
ones who get the most credit for inspiration, aka judith krause.
Jet - What is the ideal situation/place to get your writing mojo working?
ada - that's kind of a tough one since my mojo changes depending on my
mood.
since i got my computer, about six months ago, i've been getting my
mojo on with it almost every night. it's pretty hot shit, i'm
telling you. my best situation (or at least what seemed to work
this summer) is coming home drunk at three in the morning and
writing until four or five. however, a coffee shop works well for
me, especially when i am travelling. i'm also very fond of
greyhound buses, and are in debt to them for some of the poems i've
written.
Jet - I decided, on my own, with no twisting of my arm to ask you
questions about your zine, "Backyard Ashes." (Interviewer's note:
BMC, you owe me 500 pesos next time we're in Tijuana.) The reviews
I've found admire the strength of the chosen material.
How did the idea for Backyard Ashes come about?
ada - well, i won't regergitate the entire editors notes from the first
issue, but basically it came out of the last class of our
introduction to creative writing. this is where i met brecken (and
some other fine writers mentioned above) and on this last class we
threw around the idea of a writing co-op... getting the writers in
the class together to publish our own work. this idea fell apart
somewhat as we all went our seperate ways, but brecken and i were
quite adamant to get started, and after six months of
procastination, and six months of hardcore working, we produced the
first issue of backyard ashes and launched it at a local
bookstore... it's been a roller coaster ride since and we've never
looked back...
Jet - If I were a potential Backyard Ashes writer, what should I know
about its submission standards?
ada - we take poetry, prose and artwork... we hope for some literary
experimentation, but it's hard to say what the standards are because
it really depends on how we feel about each individual piece
submitted. i wouldn't say we have a particular method of choosing
what goes in... like most poets, i think we just know what we like,
and what we consider to be 'good writing.'
oh, and you have to buy us beer
Jet - What is your rejection rate?
ada - hmmmm, well, lets just say sometimes we need to solicit work from
writers we know are good.
Jet - An interesting thing of note to those who have read your work for
N-Com and for Backyard Ashes is that you seem to go over and rewrite
your work. The piece "stories for fruit" in Backyard Ashes is
longer and more full than "stories for fruit" in N-Com. The word
"cacophony," first word in your ambitious "Ada's Top 200 Words of
All Time" (N-Com #200) receives its own spotlight in N-Com #210's
"Cacophony."
How important do you find it to go over and/or rewrite past
material?
ada - well, to be honest jet, i didn't think i was the type to go over and
rewrite past work, but you do make a good point. these might have
been special cases because i knew that stories for fruit wasn't
finished when i sent it to the n-com, i was also pretty sure that it
wasn't done when i put it in backyard ashes. i still plan to add to
it, just because it has been one of the most interesting and fun
pieces i've worked on and has so far recieved the most postive
feedback. in terms of the article 'cacophony,' well, i'm just in
love with that word. and since it is my favorite, i figured it just
needed an article all on it's own.
for the most part though, i tend to write a piece, edit it, work on
it and then finish it and not go back to it. i think that's why i
started to write poetry in the first place... because i can finish
it.
Jet - Is there any difference in the work you consider doing for N-Com and
the work you do for Backyard Ashes?
ada - definitely, although i can see a slight merge between the two
(stories for fruit being a good example). i think my writing style
is much more developed now than it was six months or a year ago, and
it can be hard to remove myself from a style i'm most comfortable
in. backyard ashes is the magazine i feel that represents the style
i am most comfortable writing in, and the n-com is the magazine that
allows me to deviate from that style and challenges me to think
outside the box i've built for myself. i see backyard ashes as
having a more traditional and modern literary content (if that makes
sense!) which tends to be what my influences are, whereas the n-com
lets me go off the wall which is really fun for me. the n-com
reminds me why i write in the first place, because it's fun... it's
entertainment.
it's really important for my writing that i submit to both magazines
because they are so different. that way i can stretch myself as a
writer.
Jet - Do you have any secret works hiding in some dark, mysterious place
that you will never, EVER print? (Feel free to print them here.)
ada - i do have some secret writing... i keep everything i've done since
i started writing in grade nine... i have disks full of the most
awful shit you will ever read...
Jet - I didn't notice until I was typing up these questions that you
dabble in photography as well and have a pretty fab eye when it
comes to that as well. Poetry, prose, photography -- you're pretty
well-rounded it comes to the arts. So I began to wonder about
everything else.
What are your non-art intellectual pursuits?
ada - my non-art intellectual pursuit would be the women and gender
studies degree i'm currently trying to achieve. i took last year
off to figure out what i wanted to do with myself and my life and i
realized that i want to continue an education in writing and women's
studies, so i'm back at school working towards these goals. i'm
also thinking of going to the university of victoria and getting a
bfa in creative writing, but we'll see what happens. i see the
humanities, social sciences and the arts all interconnected though,
so it's hard for me to see anything as simply an 'intellectual
pursuit'... i'm also lucky enough to have a mother who is a
research scientist and has been very good at showing me the art in
science. i also love to dance... that was just a side note.
Jet - It's a big world full of -isms. (IE: Socialism, Conservatism,
Paganism, Feminism, Bananaism.) What kind of -isms are you guilty
of?
ada - well i've been known to be guilty of bananaism... and apparently i'm
all about feminism too... oh and socialism... and for any of you old
ally mcbeal fans, i'm a great fan of fishisms and mcbealisms...
Jet - What's the definition of a realistic good time to ada?
ada - any time hanging out with my closest friends, cooking a good old
fashioned stir fry with yams, listening to a little hawksley, or
some daniel johnson, maybe camping, makin movies, canoeing, going
out dancing, feeling the love... you know it.
Jet - What's the fantasy verison of a good time to ada?
ada - at this point, probably sleeping with someone i know ill never be
able to sleep with again...
Jet - What questions should I have asked that I missed out on and shall
now never know the answers to?
ada - hey, what is this... now i have to be the interviewer too?... nice
try jet... pawning off your job on me...
Jet - Finally, have you now or ever been a member of the Communist party?
ada - yes, and i'm a member of the gay and lesbian association for some
reason... for any of you who didn't get that reference, you're not
worthy.
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The linear Interview ,$$
$$: by ada ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
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ada - hi linear,
it's good to meet you....in an abstract sort of way! i am your
interviewer for the n-com's special issue. i actually have only
read a couple of your articles so far since i am fairly new to the
neo-comintern staff, but i especially enjoyed your article in the
top ten issue, top ten bible quotes. i was traveling in ontario at
the time, and took that issue on the bus with me to toronto one
afternoon.....i found yours amusing to the point where i was
laughing out loud much to the dismay of the other passengers.
anyway, i was impressed with your work and when the bmc suggested
this special interview issue, i put in a request to interview you.
but of course i have been struggling as to where to even start, so i
figured i should at least e-mail you a friendly hello so we can
establish some dialogue and you will know that i exist and i am your
secret admirer....er, interviewer.
so now i'm off to check out your zine and see what else i can learn
about you before i begin asking you questions. i'm also trying to
hurry up and finish my page for the lexia of fame, so if you so
desire, you can find out who i am.
anyway, i hope you're having a good summer so far, and i'll write
you again very soon.
ada:)
lin - Hello there! Great to hear from my adm...interviewer! (reminds me
that my slacker self needs to get to work on his interview).
Anyway, to help you out with doing some "research" on what I've
written, i'll point you here:
http://www.phonelosers.net/linear/writing.html a site that lists all
my published texts (at least that i can still remember). Please
keep in mind that some of these are horrible (i started IR when i
was but freshman at upland high school, i believe). There's some
nuggets of linear-goodness in there somewhere, however.
I hope you enjoy your choice in interviewee (even though we were not
suppose to choose who we interviewed, you rebel!). I'm not the best
conversationalist in the world, but I'll try and do my best provide
a somewhat entertaining interview. I'll be sure to check out your
page when you're finished. That should be fun. Also, if you ever
want to contact me on AIM or whatever, a lot of contact info is
provided in my signature.
I much look forward to hearing from you again!
linear
ada - hi linear,
well, i've recently been checking out impulse reality and have had a
fun time reading your articles. there are so many thing i want to
ask you, but i think i'm going to spend a day coming up with a few
important questions to start. cog gave me the idea of asking one
question at a time so you wouldn't feel overwhelmed and could give
each question your fullest answer.....i liked that idea, so that's
what i'll be doing. like i said, i really liked a lot of your
articles, my favorites (out of the ones i've read so far, which are
about three-quarters, i plan to read the rest later today) are: shh!
it's secret!, kung fu timothy, conflagration, junior high, haiku's
are fun, lovable satan, and an open response to a former writer.
these are great articles and provided me with a lot of things to
think about (and laugh about). anyway, i imagine i'll send you the
first question sometime today, or tomorrow, but for now i'm going to
compile my thoughts together in some kind of order.
talk to you soon!!
ada
lin - Hi there!
I'm glad you're enjoying my articles (at least some one does!). I'm
really pleased to learn you like "ssh!"... that is definitely one my
favorites of mine. That and "Loneliness; A Poorly Written
Tragedy" -- If I can be so pretentious as to have favorites of my
own work (: (and pretentiousness is something I'm good at!)
I'm excited to be interviewed! It makes me feel important, teehee.
Plus you seem like you'll be a fun interviewer! So I'm looking
forward to it.
Okay, good to see you're still alive!
BEST WISHES!@$#
linear/jared
ada - okay guys, here is where i misplace a bit of dialogue, so i'll throw
you right into the interview....
do you think of your writing as a hobby or a passion?
lin - Hrm, interesting question. I suppose I'd have to answer with
"neither." My logic might get a little strange here, but... Writing
has always just been something I've *done*. Not necessarily a hobby
or a passion. From as early of an age as I can remember, I've been
writing. And even when I wasn't *really* writing coherently, I'd
put weird thought fragments down on notebook paper to help sort out
what I was thinking - I'm generally a pretty confused guy (I showed
one of these pages to a girl I was with at the time. Her response
was something along the lines of "I don't like that at all. You're
kind of frightening," teehee!). So just as I can't really classify
breathing or eating as a hobby/passion (because they're simply
things I -do-), I can't classify writing (as it is also something I
just -do-). GET IT?
ada - what is your favorite food?
lin - The easy answer to give here is "vegan food!" Being a vegan, I'm
somewhat limited to what I can eat. But if you want a little more
of a specific answer, I guess I'm pretty fond of Mexican food. But
I'm not a picky vegan. As long as it's not derived from animals,
I'll probably enjoy it. I've said the word "vegan" a lot, haven't
I? Just so I can say I've said vegan 6 times in this answer;
vegan.
ada - what is your favorite song/singer/band?
lin - I still consider myself involved with the punk scene, though lately
I haven't been listening to much punk (perhaps my musical taste is
evolving). My favorite band rotates quite a bit, so I never have a
favorite band for very long. Currently, I guess I'd have to say
that the Violent Femmes are my favorite band. I've also been
listening to a lot of Hefner, Steppenwolf, NIN, Modest Mouse, and a
lot of 60's music lately. That doesn't mean those are my favorite
bands, I've just been listening to them a lot lately. See, I
haven't even mentioned one punk band yet. But I'll make up for it
right here: My favorite song would probably be "Science of Myth" by
Screeching Weasel. I suppose Screeching Weasel is relatively punk.
But yeah, I'm into all sorts of music lately, a lot of indie and
older stuff. Even the Beatles. Psh, and I call myself punk.
Running close behind "Science of Myth" for my favorite song are the
songs "Mint Car" and "Cut Here" (both by The Cure). I like the Cure
a lot.
WARNING: INSIDE JOKE BELOW!!
Cut Here -loves- Mint Car.
ada - what is your favorite thing to do alone?
lin - I like to write poetry. Or meditate. Or read poetry. Read
anything. Sadly, I've been wasting a lot of my free time sleeping
lately. I'm quite fond of sleep, but I just don't like not getting
things done. Sleep is counterrevolutionary!
ada - what is your favorite thing to do with others?
lin - I haven't had much time to be with others lately (what with my job),
so any time I do *any*thing with others is pretty nice. Lately,
just sitting around with my friends and doing nothing but listening
to weird music has equaled enjoyment and good times. I just
recently over the past few months fell in with a small group of
amazing people who are really special to me. This is the first time
I've felt so much a "part" of a group of people. I used to (still
do?) have (mild?) social anxiety, and I'm not really use to such an
empowering feeling like that of belonging. Am I rambling?
ada - do you fall in love easily?
lin - No. Well, maybe. Okay, yes. I suppose. I'm in love currently,
but I don't like it. Let me start over - I love the feeling that
love brings, and I love being able to give myself away to someone.
But I'm so sick of the eventual inevitable hurt that love has
traditionally brought to me (linear is no stranger to broken hearts,
folks). Honestly though, I believe that love is the ultimate act of
revolution. It's definitely something we all need to strive for,
even if you're a cowardly cynic like me who thinks hurt is all there
is out there (hey, it can't just be a coincidence that "I
-HEART-YOU" sounds so much like "I HURT YOU," right?). Love is
empowering. Embrace it!
ada - what has been the closest you have gotten to a utopian
existence/society?
lin - Allow me to get corny here... The first time -she- fell asleep in my
arms is the closest I've ever been to a perfect utopian existence.
I came to realize the truth behind the statement that "even a rotten
creep can have moments sweet and pure." The honesty of it hit me
hard as I got to watch her beautiful face rest. There have been
plenty of similarly amazing moments with her since then as well, but
this one will always stand out for some reason. I remember when
everyday was -that- amazing with her. Don't get me wrong. Every
moment with her is still the best moment of my life, but lately,
though everything's still just like a dream, there's times when I
realize just how scared I am about what is going to happen with us
(if anything, most likely nothing). I'm rambling and getting mushy
and retarded, aren't I?
ada - i am curious as to why you actively reject religion as an
institution, yet are a practicing buddhist. could you give me your
thoughts on this?
lin - Teehee, good question. Sure, just go ahead and point out all my
logistical flaws! I suppose that the best way to answer this is
to deny that Buddhism is a religion. Buddhism is based on
philosophy, not dogma and rituals and belief in supernatural
craziness. So really, Buddhism is simply a philosophy (well, most
Mahayana sects, at least). The main reason I reject religion is
all the suffering it has, and continues, to cause. Once you make
a big superfriend in the sky to worship and obey, suddenly
everyone feels it's okay to kill, persecute, and torture in the
name of their own concept of this superfriend. Buddha was not a
god, nor did he preach/practice a belief in a higher deity. Such
things do not further us spiritually. Buddhism is the only major
"religion" that has spread worldwide with no social coercion! It
is very accepting of other religions (unlike me!), and welcomes
evolving interpretations and ways of practice within itself. This
isn't to say there are not other religions out there that are
non-deity based as well, they just don't make as much sense to me
philosophically or spiritually.
ada - it would have been funny if in kung fu timothy, in one of the last
stanzas instead of saying 'he got to his feet,' saying 'he got to
his foot.' would you agree or disagree? (this is by no means a
criticism, i thought the article was great, however i found that
idea funny)
lin - That was nawleed's doing, so you can blame him. But actually, I
disagree with you. I like the way it is, simply because of the line
that reads "...momentarily ignoring the fact that he only had one
leg..." which still makes me laugh, over two years after it's
writing. Had we just said he jumped to his feet without any
explanation, that would indeed be a plot-hole and we'd have to
retire from the writing world forever, banished in shame. However,
I do see the humor in the phrase "jumped to his foot." By the way,
no offense taken, I like writing suggestions and even the occasional
criticisms, constructive or not. I'm a feedback whore!
ada - what do you feel is the best article/piece you've ever written and
why? (this is your big chance to blatantly brag about yourself!)
lin - I would like to say that "shh, it's secret!" is my favorite, but as
it stands now, there's a stigma of heartbreak attached to it. See,
in the beginning of this interview (as this interview has taken a
period of weeks to complete), I mentioned something about being in
love, and how I was sure I was going to be hurt. Well, that part of
the interview is already outdated, as that girl did, indeed, lead me
to heartache! No surprises, at least.
Anyway, "shh, it's secret" was written about this girl many moons
ago. I like it because it's probably one of the most raw things
I've written. I wrote it around 2 in the morning in an email to
her, and it was all direct. She told me she liked it a lot, and I
guess it was that email that convinced her I was a good writer.
Anyway, it wasn't until a while afterwards that I decided that it
should be published, and BMC stuck it in the N-Com. So perhaps the
reason it's so good, or at least so good to me, is because it wasn't
written with the intention of being seen by loads of people, just
one girl. So there was nothing I was hiding in there (that's not to
say I normally "hide" stuff from my readers, but there's always the
chance I subconsciously censor myself - which hopefully I don't).
Anyway, I really like "shh, it's secret," even if holly doesn't
really like me. Teehee!
ada - how would you say your political beliefs have affected your writing?
would you say that everything you write has a specific message
directed at the reader? have you ever written with no real purpose,
only to experiment with the words themselves?
lin - Although I'd consider myself very politically active, I don't really
tend to mix my politics and writing too much. At least not the
stuff I've published online (at least I don't think I do). I've
written for political hardcopy zines before and written political
poetry and articles, but you don't really see much of that in _ir_
(except for crap like "Censor Me, Censor You," which was written
before I really knew how to write). I mean, I just don't see _ir_
as a political zine (though at first I tried to take it in that
direction, posting files "appreciated by me," written by other
authors, that tended to be heavily political. That phase died out
really early on in the zine). Most stuff I write started out as me
just being bored and writing because there was nothing else to do,
and sometimes the ending or direction a text takes is a delightful
surprise to me. Such is the case with "el duck!" in which I simply
just got bored of writing half way through. That story had a lot of
potential, despite its retarded silliness, but I just couldn't bear
to complete it. I guess it's times like those that I'm writing just
to experiment with words, in a sense.
ada - one of my favorite pieces of yours is shh! it's secret!, published
in the n-com's 198th issue. i really liked the thought process of
the narrator, the letter writing style, and how the emotion is
conveyed. do you find it easy or challenging to write about love,
and other complex emotions?
lin - Well, we've already touched on this a bit! I don't really find it
too challenging, in fact in all honesty, 70% of my writing (mainly
poetry) is about love (I'm a hopeless romantic). You just don't see
these because they aren't published, but rather lost in the pages of
my notebook. So I don't really find it difficult to write about
these emotions, but sometimes is sure is hard re-reading them after
some traumatizing heartbreak, teehee.
ada - do you find you label yourself into a particular genre of writing,
i.e. poet, short fiction writer, etc.? if so, which genre would you
consider yourself to write predominantly in. if not, where do you
think your writing style fits in?
lin - I guess mainly I'm a poet (I just don't really publish my poetry).
Besides that, I'm not too sure how to define my writing. But I
always liked the idea of writing being "raw" and unpolished. So if
I have to fit into any style of writing, I hope it's "raw." Besides
that, I hope to be honest. Even if I'm writing about kids with one
legs and whore-mothers.
ada - do you tend to write from your own perspective?
lin - Sometimes. But that can get me in trouble on those times I don't
write in my perspective. I remember some time after I wrote
"Lovable Satan," some kid kept trying to "convince" me to drink
alcohol. I had to explain to him that yes, I have had alcohol
before, yes, I do enjoy it, and no, just because the character in
"Lovable Satan" hadn't even touched a drop of alcohol didn't mean I
hadn't. This isn't me bragging about alcohol consumption by the
way (if you read "Only HACKERS Can Talk To linear," you know that
people who talk about HOW MUCH THEY DRINK, HOW DRUNK THEY ARE just
annoy me. I was just using this instance as an example).
ada - do you have the secret to happiness?
lin - Yes, but so do you.
ada - and that's all she wrote....well, all i wrote!!! sorry this is so
chaotic, i just have a million things to do before tomorrow...please
forgive me!!!
lin - You are forgiven!
ada - THE END....
hoped you enjoyed linear, you crazy n-com fans!!!
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The Margarina Cataclysma Interview ,$$
$$: by linear ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
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Margie - Dear Linear,
I see that I too get questions! I have been dilemma-ing over the
past few days, writing questions to send to my interviewee. I am
glad to receive yours, I think they are a good set of questions,
and I am excited to answer them. Thus:
linear - How'd you get such a creative alias?
Margie - Well, I really don't remember. I remember the time and place (a
dank dark apartment on Superior St., in Victoria, BC), and what I
was doing at the time, which was studying, and wishing dearly
that I was less peripheral (as I said, Victoria BC, dank dark
apartment on Superior St.). Margarina, because it plays on the
good old saintly names (Mary, Margaret, Magdalene, Madagascar)
and is simultaneously un-real, and Cataclysma because she needed
a last name that was slightly less grotty, a last name that would
pick her up out of the gutter.
linear - How long have you been apart of the text scene?
Margie - I have always been apart from the text scene.
linear - What initially drew you into the text scene, and more generally,
the online world?
Margie - I don't know anything about the text scene. Aside from an
initial euphoric nose-dive into the internet,
I have tried to dissociate myself from that putrifient morphing
corpse, and I do try to limit my time there. That said, I like
it very much, and on rainy days or on days when I have burning
questions, I like to go there and fiddle around.
linear - What is your relation to BMC?
Margie - We are friends. As you know, I rescued him from the hands of
capitalism, once (it happens often; he is in her clutches), and
so he really owes me a huge debt. BMC and I live in the same
town. Sometimes he takes me out for lunch. He likes french
fries. He talks a lot, drives erratically, and wears a Canadian
Army parka, zipped up to the chin, even in the summer. He
dislikes Pantera. He always has a smile.
linear - Have you always enjoyed writing? When did you start?
Margie - I have always enjoyed writing. I was a precocious and prodigious
reader, and so it naturally progressed into writing. When I was
in grade five, I wrote an anthropomorphic poem about chimpanzees
and stuff which amused me greatly. I wish I could remember it
properly. My mother might have the "manuscript" somewhere.
linear - What inspires you as a writer?
Margie - There are a few circumstances: One, as a product of mulling
things over, in the course of the day, whilst talking to myself,
I might come across a phrase that sticks, or a particular wording
that things seem to naturally flow around and from. That is the
miraculous creative event, it is kind of pure. Two, because I
have been reading something, some writer's work, and feel like
writing something, and therefore what comes out of my fingers
onto the screen may somehow imitate what I've read; may be homage
to the individual or school that I have been reading. Three, a
need to explicate feelings/ideas as particularly as possible (the
case that we are operating under right now). Whether something
in particular, some state or object or sense, will inspire, I
cannot say or predict. I guess I have certain preoccupations,
and goals, and stuff, and if some experience that I have touches
on that, then it probably gets wrote about. Grocery stores,
dogs, pigeons, yellow, a sneer, yelling, infirmity, Eurocrats,
idylls.
linear - Other than the text scene, what are your interests?
Margie - I have been learning French, that takes up quite a bit of time,
what with reading and all. I am also learning Chinese, that
doesn't take up so much time because I haven't done any work
there for, oh, a week. I am interested in the grass-roots, in
art, in creation, in obfuscation, in verity. I am interested
in the processes things undergo. I have been working on a simple
little biology degree for ages; I might develop an interest in
biological statistics, just to justify myself. I am an haphazard
student of environments- urban, animal, forest, other
specialized. I like grammar, punctuation, semantics, etymology,
and orthography. Metal K. Dick is giving me lessons in the
subject of Geography. I have lately become interested in the
politicization of individuals in a society which does not favour
action, despite an ostensibly democratic system. I have been an
anarchist and an atheist since the 10th grade -- the Satanists
from my homeroom and I argued about what was better, "Blizzard of
Oz" or "Too Dark Park" -turns out we were both right. I am an
inveterate cinephile. I am interested in modern and long ago
cultures. I will someday open a soup kitchen, and am gathering
recipes for just this purpose. I like martial arts. I am an
advocate of physical activity and a partisan of intellectual
cooperation. I like randomness but suspect that it is no
substitute for concerted effort.
linear - I've always considered "Cultural Deconstruction For Beginners" to
be your greatest work, but BMC tells me that by the time it was
printed in a hardcopy edition of the Neo-Comintern, you were
embarrassed by it. Can you justify this embarrassment in the
face of such entertaining text?
Margie - Yes, it is a crappy poem. I also enjoy it, but I wrote it, of
course I like it. But it is a heavy handed manipulation of some
imprecise, vague, huge concepts, none of which I really
understand. I can't really even properly define these sorts of
post-modern ideas, let alone pontificate on topics. I don't
consider it but a step on some sort of personal poetic staircase,
and as such it should maybe come with a disclaimer.
linear - What gave you the idea to start your advice columns?
Margie - I think BMC wanted me to write something and I didn't want to
write about Atlantis or turds or anything at all creative or
real, and I didn't have any really good ideas, but I knew that if
I wrote advice columns, that even though they were ostensibly
about the questionner's problems, they would be mostly about me
and my ideas: "Yes, that's all very fine and well, charming
reader, now how about *me*??"
linear - How'd you get so damn good at giving out advice?
Margie - I have been an idiot for a million years.
linear - Remember that time you gave me advice?
Margie - Not at all. I don't have my hard-drive here. ack. Here I am, a
truly callous jerk. What did you ask? How did I respond? I
remember not, Horatio. Please remind me!
linear - Oh. It didn't work. What do you have to say for yourself?
Margie - Um, I wish I knew what I'a telled you.
linear - Besides the Neo-Comintern, what other text 'zines do you enjoy?
Margie - Well, lately, I have been very much not near computers, and so
have not really looked at anything at all, there. For the last
few days I have been reading "Le Monde Diplomatique;" it is a
leftish monthly newspaper, a pillar of the world press:
http://www.monde-diplomatique.fr/ Apparently the "Guardian
Weekly" does an English language version of it. Haven't checked,
yet. This month there is quite a bit of stuff about Africa. A
while ago, we bought a Marxist quarterly called "Contretemps",
with essays on the rationales used to justify the wars, lately.
The French seem to really like the traditional printing press
type of thing. There seems to be a good infrastructure which
facilitates this sort of thing, unlike in the new world.
linear - This is a shameless plug: Your thoughts on that marvelous 'zine
Impulse Reality?
Margie - Well, I have to go back, I was there today, for the first time,
for three minutes, at the internet cafe, and so I didn't get a
chance to do it justice. There were some appealing tag-lines, I
want to read further. What do you think I should download to
floppy next time I'm at the internet cafe? Perhaps things that
you think I'd be interested in, knowing me as you do (now), or
things that you think are most interesting, or representative.
linear - Have you ever written for 'zines other than the N-Com?
Margie - NO, may I? I thought that I had become the exclusive property of
The BMC (tm registered)!
linear - How's life in Europe?
Margie - Pretty good, rainy here in Belgique. Reside in heart of
burgeoning Eurocratic district, central Brussels, this month.
Brussels has only 900 thousand people, did you know? It is truly
a small town. Most of the traditional occupants (the Flemish)
have moved out to avoid the unsightly ridiculousness of the EU,
the immigrants, and what have you. It is an interesting,
ghost-town-ish place. Lots of things to explore, see, touch,
look at. Also the long-time world capital of la bande dessinee
(comix), as you know.
linear - Ever plan on returning home?
Margie - July 18, 2002.
linear - Am I hip? C'mon, be honest.
Margie - Yes. You mustn't worry about this question. You are as hip as
the day you were born. You are as hip as a bug on a leaf. You
are as hip as a shadow. You are as hip as an infectious
disease. You are as hip as the fastest man on earth. You are as
hip as your mother, and the billions of generations that preceded
you. You are as hip as everyone in the world wants to be. You
are as hip as that old man who walks half-bent over, with a cane
in each hand, and the funny pants. You are as hip as Robert
Crumb's brother. Hip schmip.
linear - I'm giving you this space to discuss (in great detail if need be)
anything you feel should have been addressed but wasn't, due to
my poor interview skills, and the circumstances surrounding this
interview. What do you have to say for yourself, missy?
Margie - The following is an un-paid public service announcement:
Are you a greedy bastard? I would like to remind each of you
that the world is a precarious and delicate place, much like a
flower or the delicate leg of a bug. It is as nice as a baby
puppy and as special as the most unique snowflake. It is
inhabited by a million thousand zillion creatures, all of whom
are very precious, as are you. So do something, dammit.
What I have for you next is a Paranoid Fantasy, the 98th in a
randomly numbered series. There is some debate, around here, as
to whether it has any redeeming value.
Paranoid Fantasy #98.
I am the kid who had the seizures. But it wasn't like they
said. It had nothing to do with the game. It wasn't because I
played all the time. I didn't play that much. People said that
my parents were lenient, too lenient. That's not true. I didn't
play the game that much. And also people were saying that I
didn't eat healthy food. But that is a lie too. It wasn't like
they said it was at all.
My dad wasn't at home. Our dad. He was at work. My mom works
too, but only on Tuesdays. The rest of the time she takes care
of us. It wasn't Tuesday though, she was there with me. My
brother was at school most of the day, probably. I wasn't in
school yet. I was only three. He was 8.
People say that I can't remember it because I was too small but
they are wrong. I remember perfectly well. I remember that it
was a sunny day. The windows were open. I used to count red
cars sometimes on the freeway.
My family is normal. Except for we are not the same as families
are supposed to be. Which is apparently the problem. We are not
natural and it shorted out my brain. That's not true.
We have a lot of stuff. We are not really rich, but we have
things because that is what money is for. You buy the stuff you
want with it. And my mother says that if not for us that her
purpose on this earth would be nothing, and my father too. She
would be a nothing otherwise.
She is not a small woman. I mean, she is short, but she has big
muscles. She is the one that saved me. She pushed me out of the
way just in time. My dad says that it is because of her that we
are like we are. Her family comes from the north. My dad says
that they are cunning and strong, but not very fast, which is a
weird combination. He says that I'm the same way. But my
brother is not. This he told me later. Since then my dad says
that he has to come home earlier on the weekdays.
What happened was this. I was waiting for my brother to come
home. My mother was sitting at the table, she was writing
something. I was walking back and forth. Sometimes I sing, and
I think I was singing. The television was on and I was singing
to it.
My mother too. Then my brother got home and my mother made him a
soup bowl and then that took some time but I wanted him to play.
He hit me on the head with his book while he was eating, because
I was holding his leg and I was bugging him. My mom told me to
go watch t.v. while she talked to my brother. So I did, but I
put in the game cause its better than t.v., and then I picked Ork
cause I like his eyes and the way he jumps, and then we were
running, and I remember that, but I don't remember anything else
after that. That's all I remember.
I didn't have to go to school even the next year when the other
kids my age did, not for a long time, cause I was still in the
machine. I couldn't wear any clothes because it was too hot. My
mom tried to read me books but she didn't really know what it was
like. I tried to touch her on the cheek so that she would feel
better, but it gave her a shock, and so then I just curled up
near the edge where she was. She slept on the floor next to me
for a long time.
I was very glad because my vital signs were low. I tried to give
her the thumbs up sometimes so she'd know that I was still good.
My brother said that I was a zombie but I know that I am on the
good side, even if I wear a mask. I am glad that we won.
The End.
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Margie - What are your vital statistics?
Bu Joe - Well I live in Canada, I've just turned 18, I'm a boy; a sexy
one. I'm not the type that would steal your wallet, push you
into a mud pile, then lead an old lady to walk over you so her
shoes won't get dirty, and then push her off of you into the
mud. There's no need for those kinds of shenanigans, you know?
I'd just rather ask you to help me help her or do it myself.
Margie - How do you see the Neo-Comintern relative to your own grand plan?
Bu Joe - I see the N-Com as a good way to share some of my ideas and
stories with a lot of people. Like I could write this radical,
totally out there story and people would read it, instead of
turning up their noses. It really is a wacky zine.
Margie - Is writing a temporary passtime while you prepare yourself for a
family and a house and two point 3 dogs and a satellite dish?
Bu Joe - Simply, it's just one spectacular place to vent. I try to throw
away everything, my insecurities, and worries, just try to open
myself up and let it pour out. I just might create something
that will let me share the things I have learned with others, but
I don't think I've done that yet.
Margie - Do you share the mandate of the Neo-Comintern's editorial
"staff," which as far as I can tell, and this might be a
bastardization of a summary, is to disseminate revolutionary
vibes via absurdity? Or, have you been told something different?
Bu Joe - I 100% think that as a race we need to stop and rethink what we
REALLY want to achieve and how we're going to do it. Does that
answer your question?
Margie - Where do you get your information? Be specific with regard to
the sources themselves, their frequency, quantity, the duration
of your interactions with them, the accuracy of the information
you glean from each of them, and of course quality:
-independent pamphleteers
-newspapers
-radio
-television
-network advertising (bus shelters, freeway signs, magazines,
etc.)
-books
-internet
-dinner table conversations
-direct observation
etc.
Bu Joe - I just look around and see, I guess. I don't have like a ritual
where I have to read a certain paper to tell me what's happening.
I kind of like just get little tidbits here and there from
what's around me.
Margie - What are your observations on the publishing industry?
Bu Joe - LOTS of people are trying to get published.
Margie - Is it necessary for individuals (such as you or your neighbor) to
be politicized in this era, or is it enough to live a good life?
Bu Joe - I think it depends on the person. I myself need to be, but a lot
of other people would rather just ignore it, let someone else do
it, which kind of sucks because I think if everyone was a little
more in tune they might have a very different view on things.
Margie - When you write are you concerned with:
-audience perception (being amusing, etc.)
-clear presentation of topic
-intentional obfuscation of topic for stylistic reasons
-word play
-entertaining yourself
-purging yourself of some idea which has been pestering/plagueing
you
-carrying on a grand tradition
-experimentation
-pleasing the editor/disturbing the editor
-interpreting your own cosmos
-interpreting the general cosmos
etc.
Bu Joe - Well the first draft I worry about nothing but getting the words
out of my head, for me and me alone. Then if I feel like sharing
I will go through it and tweak for the reader. I'd really like
to write a story that allowed me to solve something for myself
and the reader to learn from my problem and either work out one
of their problems or avoid one. Words can trigger emotions and
feelings and I'd really like to master that.
Margie - From reading the works of your contemporaries, what trends will
predominate within this world of words in the years to come as
everyone matures? What do you hope to observe coming out of this
milieu?
Bu Joe - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hope that
writing will forever be a way to share knowledge and entertain.
Hahaha what a dumb answer.
Margie - (Question from Metal K. Dick) What is your favorite story about
fascists?
Bu Joe - WWII, I love it. I can't get enough of it. It's the most
interesting topic in history next to the French Revolution.
Margie - Do you see fascists everywhere -- lurking behind parked cars,
peeking around your soda cup, thronging the pub on the corner,
backward-masking lyrics and perverting nature?
Bu Joe - I do, but not your nazi type, the ones that judge without
knowledge and slander without reason. I'm sure you know the
type.
Margie - Is it possible to become more or less cynical? If so, how would
one move in either direction? Does cynicism accompany maturity?
Bu Joe - Well I think people can change anything except their shoe size.
I think if a cynical person could feel and see that being cynical
just isn't really a good way to live a life they could change but
the best way is a karma realization/slap in the face.
Margie - Who is your hero?
Bu Joe - My best friend. I have learned many a great thing from that man.
Margie - If you had a problem and couldn't figure out how to solve it,
what would you do?
Bu Joe - I'd ask my friends and hope they could help me with it.
Margie - I realize that this interview is not as fun as if, some person
from the Neo-Comintern "staff" was giggling at you while drinking
all of your gin, but I can only try. Is there anything else you
would like to say for your self? Perhaps there is something that
you would like to expound upon a bit? What are your personal
obsessions?
Bu Joe - I just want to spread the joy.
Margie - You strike me as a cheerful fellow. Why are you so dard blamed
cheerful?
Bu Joe - Well I just see the beauty of life, I guess. I have my grumpy
days like everyone else, but I figure there's better things to be
done then walk around pissed off and in turn pissing off others.
Margie - This plan of the editorial "staff," to get us to communicate and
bring us closer together, what, do you think it will work?
Bu Joe - Perhaps, but nonetheless I have enjoyed it.
Margie - You have removed your works from public display -- the links are
dead, folks. Is this because you are, and I surely hope that you
are not, discouraged? Have you changed immensely? In what ways?
Bu Joe - Well the sites sort of naturally got lost; at first I was sad,
but then sort of happy. I didn't really like the way I had
written some of the articles; the message I believe in, but the
quality of the writing I don't like. If, say by magic, they
reappeared, I wouldn't be bothered; I just might like to revise.
lol
Margie - What have you been working on lately?
Bu Joe - I REALLY want to write a play.
Margie - What do you think about this fact: Eighty percent of college
freshies believe that they will be millionaires at some point in
their lifetime.
Bu Joe - I think they thought that before they got to college.
Margie - What do you think about this fact: As you know, the inhabitants
of the Americas suffered terrible tragic losses after European
contact, due to smallpox and influenza. Some historians think
that, in return (as it were), native Americans gave their new
friends syphilis to take back to Europe with them. Additionally,
and not fatally, of course, but bizarrely, the native Americans
did not have pubic or other body hair until same era. The
genetic material for the characteristic is also transmitted by a
virus, integrating into the host genome at the time of puberty.
Bu Joe - *hums the twilight zone theme* Freaky.
Margie - What do you think about this fact: Five of the world's richest
people belong to the Walton family.
Bu Joe - Who the hell are the Waltons? Seriously.
Margie - If you could go anywhere in the world for one year, where would
you go, and why? What circumstances would have to transpire in
order for you to do this?
Bu Joe - Now I say France, but I've never been there so I can't say if I'd
like to stay. I'd really enjoy backpacking Europe though; I just
love the look of European cities. I'd just need to get there and
be able to survive while I am there. Getting back might be a
good idea too.
Margie - What would you sacrifice for the sake of something more
important?
Bu Joe - My life.
Margie - What about this world, this world we live in, most impresses
you?
Bu Joe - The potential we all have to really understand a lot of things
more important than a comfortable retirement. And the beauty of
life, I really can't get over how marvelous life is.
Margie - You say that you are sometimes a socialist. Are your views and
opinions still evolving?
Bu Joe - Yes, very much so. Everyday I learn SO many new things. I don't
really know if I am a socialist or not. I want people not to
have to worry about nonsense and have to feel pain over nonsense
too. I'd like us all to understand that we have so much to learn
from each other. And I think that we are truly equal in the way
that we all have the same mind capable of the same things. Yes
some people are smarter than others, but if you meet them with an
open mind you'll see that their knowledge can become your
knowledge and that goes back to my saying that we really can
learn a lot from each other; I think that creates the equality,
the fact that we're all conscious to learn our own life lessons
and maybe teach a few along the way.
Margie - Does it drive you slightly crazy: the lag time between 1998 and
today?
Bu Joe - Nah, I'm really lovin every second of it, even the seconds I
hate, I later love.
Margie - Why drink cola at all?
Bu Joe - I like how it bubbles in my mouth, but GO WATER! It's one of the
sources of life, you know.
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Bu Joe - Can you tell us about the lovely city of Saskatoon you call home
and all the goods on yourself?
Heckat - Well, both fortunately and unfortunately, my home is not
Saskatoon anymore. At least, my physical home isn't Saskatoon
(but Saskatoon will always be the home of my heart). Right now,
I hang my cat in Fredericton, New Brunswick. Oh, I guess the
saying is "I hang my hat." I don't have a hat though. I also
don't really "hang" my cat. It's just a saying.
I love Saskatoon although many people hate it, including the
people who live there. It is a cold city in the winter and it
sits in the middle of the prairies. A lot of people hate the
prairies but I don't. A creative writing professor of mine once
said, "Living on the prairies is like having the top of your head
taken off with a can opener." He meant that the prairies are the
best place to let your brain out of its protective casing and run
free. Flat land breeds creativity. No ceiling, no bars.
Space.
One good thing about Saskatoon is this grotto-style house on
University Drive that I would like to live in some day. I have
never been inside but I've walked by it many times. It's a dark
olive green with huge windows in the front.
But actually, the best part about Saskatoon is my friends there
and the University of Saskatchewan. My friends in Saskatoon are
more like my family. All of them are part of the N-Com scene.
We make supper together. Hang out in Melatonin's backyard making
a fire. Go out drinking. Make movies together. Go camping.
Recite various scenes from movies. Give each other long lectures
on our passion of the day. (sometimes we even invite Cog along).
ada and I make our own zine together (Backyard Ashes) that I talk
to linear about later in this interview. The other thing I love
is the U of S. But actually, that's because of the people there.
Oh, don't get me wrong, the buildings are excellent and old, but
the people are the best. All my favourite professors are there
and my favourite grad students too. Oh, and I had a wonderful
apartment there too. The best ever.
But now I live in Fredericton. I hate my landlord for one. And
I don't like the classes I'm taking at the university here. And
the library sucks. Other than that, the people are very nice. I
already have some friends here even though I've only been here
one month. The city is BEAUTIFUL. That's the best part about
it. It's woodsy and small and the squirrels run free. I like
the grad students and one professor so far.
The "goods" on me are as follows. I'm a girl (er, woman, er guy
- apparently the word "guy" is now gender neutral). BMC and I
are, how do you call it?, an "item." We live together in
Fredericton and we have one small grey cat named Rahula. I'm
currently getting my Ph.D. in English literature and I'm writing
my thesis on Canadian Women's speculative fiction. That's all
the boring stuff about the writer behind the persona.
Bu Joe - What are some of your plans as a writer? I know you go to
university; do you think you'll ever teach English? Or any
subject?
Heckat - My plans as a writer are twofold. I want to write poetry
primarily. I would like to have a book of my own stuff someday.
My other goal is to publish academic articles. I have one
article that a journal is reviewing for the second time. So
it'll probably get published there.
Hmm, this reminds me of a story. I love the anthology "The
Year's Best in Fantasy and Horror." One year I read a story by
Kelly Link; it was called "Travels with the Snow Queen." I LOVED
that story. I photocopied it and gave copies of it to my
friends. Kelly Link became my new hero. Then, last April, I
went to this conference in the United States. It was a science
fiction conference and guess who was there? That's right. Kelly
Link. She read one of her stories in one of the sessions at the
conference. I wanted to meet her a lot, but I was too shy. Now
here's where the story gets good. I went to the book room and I
saw a bunch of independently published print zines! This was
soooo exciting for me and I kept wishing that BMC had come along
with me to the conference. I didn't have money to buy the zines,
so I had to wait until later. On the last day of the conference
I went to buy copies of the magazines. When I got there I saw
Kelly Link and she was with this guy and they were taking all
the copies of the zines away! I was sad that I didn't get a
chance to buy one, but I decided to approach them and talk to
them. It turned out that they produce a lot of their own
publications and that the story "Travels with the Snow Queen" was
first published in a zine! Wow! The guy that Kelly Link was
with turned out to be her husband and he is very involved in the
underground publishing scene in the United States. We've kept in
touch ever since and ada and I published one of his poems in the
latest issue of Backyard Ashes. So, I guess the point of this
story is that the world is really small and independent
publishing is really important, so keep supporting the N-Com and
other small-press publications that you love.
Oh yeah, and I was supposed to talk about teaching too. Yeah, I
want to teach someday. I want to bring science fiction into the
classroom. I'd love to get a job at a university when I finish
my Ph.D.
Bu Joe - I remember BMC mentioning you were writing a paper on
Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus and might have something to share
on some sexist issues. Do you?
Heckat - Yeah, that was my Master's thesis actually. I analyzed gender
roles in the play and how stereotypes of femininity and
masculinity are destructive to individuals as well as society as
a whole. This still holds true for our time. We haven't, by
far, overcome the notion that women are somehow, because of
biology, inferior to men. I believe firmly in gender equality.
I hate it when women are belittled by either being turned into
one-dimensional sex-objects or condemned and hated because they
don't meet male expectations of who they should be. Sexist and
misogynist attitudes actually make no sense to me at all. I
can't really understand where the idea that women are inferior to
men comes from. It seems perfectly apparent to me that some
women are smarter, stronger, more emotionally capable, and more
insightful than some men. Of course, some men are smarter,
stronger, more emotionally capable, and more insightful than some
women. Individuals cannot be defined by stereotypes, especially
when a person is confronted on a daily basis with exceptions to
the stereotype. I think that a lot of people don't realize that
these gendered expectations are destructive to men as well as to
women. Many men don't fit into the alpha-male stereotype - take
your pick: the football-playing muscleman, the toughguy, the sex
addict, the cutting-edge business executive. Most of these roles
are condescending to men, moulding them into uncontrollable,
violent, power-hungry animals with no emotional stability.
In short, I guess I have a lot to say about sexism. I'm not sure
that I can change anybody's mind with an answer to one interview
question. I wish, though, in general, that people would think
more about the gendered construction of their own identity. (For
instance, I'll address one of my own confrontations with sexism
in the next question.)
Bu Joe - I recently found out that Margarina planted trees and was
wondering if you've ever wanted to go plant trees?
Heckat - I thought about it for a while. I don't know, I don't think it's
really the thing for me. I like the thought of physical work in
theory, but I guess I choose intellectual work instead pretty
much 100% of the time. Margarina is really unique because she
does both intellectual and physical work; I admire her for that.
I used to think if I was a man I would probably be a carpenter.
I realized, however, that I was being sexist. I assumed that if
I was a man I wouldn't be able to do anything but use my muscles.
I thought that if I was a man I probably wouldn't be smart
anymore and wouldn't want to go to school. I realized later that
if I was a man I would probably NOT be a carpenter (even though
it sounds like a great job because you get to work outside on
houses all summer with your shirt off and get a great tan) but I
would probably be doing the same thing I am now. Because I'd be
the same person inside. But I'd be a man.
Bu Joe - Do know Gnarly Wayne personally? And can you make some comments
on his apparent drinking problem?
Heckat - Oh, hmm. I'm not sure what to say about Gnarly Wayne. Do you
know that we used to go to high school together? Weird. He
moved away and I didn't see him again for a long time. Then, I
met BMC at university years later and I found out that he was
friends with Wayne and that Wayne from high school was the same
Wayne as Gnarly Wayne from the N-Com. Coincidence? Who knows.
I don't know anything about Wayne's supposed drinking problem. I
don't think it bothers him if people think he's an alcoholic
because he seems to promote the idea himself.
Bu Joe - Do you ever want to have children? And if so would you name them
strange names? Like ones that are really out there?
Heckat - Wow, I had this really weird dream last night that BMC and I had
a daughter but we kept forgetting about her. We would go to
school in the morning and leave the baby by herself. I would run
into BMC at university and ask him, "Did you feed the baby this
morning?" And he would say, "No, I thought you did." It was
weird. We didn't name the baby anything at all. She was ignored
and nameless. I woke up quite horrified and scared and now I
might be off the idea of children for life.
But, actually I might want to have children some day. I think it
would be pretty great actually. One of my profs just had a baby
and I ran into her today when she was with him. He was sitting
on the floor playing with her keys and he was the sweetest
thing. Then he crawled over to the garbage can and started to
eat the plastic bag. That was cool.
I used to think that if I had kids I would have a boy and I would
name him Ivy. Everybody hated that name except me and I was
obsessed with it. My grandma said to me once, "If you name a boy
a girl's name he'll turn out to be a sissy." Yeah, my
grandmother wasn't a very critical thinker. She liked those
gender roles as tightly traditional as they get. I liked the
idea of having a son whose name would tell people that his
parents didn't care about gender. I've since changed my mind
about the name Ivy. Not because of my philosophy, that's still
the same, but I just don't like the name Ivy anymore.
It might be funny to name children as if their names were
aliases. Like I could name my son Phalanx or something. I tried
to get BMC to agree to name our future boy-child d'Artagnan, but
he didn't want to name a kid after the fourth member of the three
musketeers. That would be like dooming the kid to a lifetime of
being an outsider. My brother once said that if he had a kid he
would name it Unit-9.
Right now I have a file on my computer called "names I like." In
it are names of pets and maybe children too. My next cat's name
will be Coyote. I also like Ghazal, Syracuse and Prufrock as pet
names. Moriarity might be cool for a cat. For a girl, I like
Genevieve and Astrid. For a boy, hmm, I'm just not sure
anymore. All my past ideas haven't added up to much. BMC says
he likes Vladimir, Igor, and Tennessee Williams. It looks like
we have some negotiating to do.
Bu Joe - What would you rather drive?
A) A purple station wagon with a bunch of purple sequins on the
outside, purple fun fur lining, a hot pink fun fur steering wheel
and a giant hot pink caterpillar on the top.
B) A Volkswagen beetle, that was airbrushed to look like a giant
skull, with blood stained tires, fake bodies parts all over,
blood splatters, a giant metal spike mohawk and a Mack truck
horn.
Heckat - Can't I just have a bicycle built for two?
Bu Joe - Do you consider yourself a politically active person? If yes,
what are some of your views?
Heckat - I don't think I can legitimately call myself politically active
in all good conscience. I'm very interested in politics and
social consciousness, but I get very disheartened at the cynical
world full of power-grubbing greedy capitalists so I mostly stay
out of it. I used to be a member of the supposed left-wing
political party in Canada, the NDP. I voted in a local
leadership election for the candidate who would have implemented
a lot of wonderful changes in Saskatchewan. She didn't win, of
course. The man who did win is OK, but he's pretty
conservative. Nothing much changed after he got elected and so I
didn't renew my membership.
I've been to peace rallies and peace marches, but I started to
become very frustrated at the lack of impact those actions have
in the world. Basically, the option I feel I'm left with is
individualistic and microcosmic. I try to do my best to live up
to my ideals. This involves really minor things like recycling
and not eating meat. It also means that I have to speak up when
I feel that something goes against my beliefs and I have to think
about the impact of my actions on the world and I have to analyze
the impact of actions that other people take. I don't believe in
telling other people what to do, but I do believe that you have
to stand up for what you believe in. I think that if you explain
to people the philosophy behind your way of life they'll be more
receptive to your ideas. I'm not into conversion or mission work
(both religious words that I believe can also apply to any
situation where a group of people tries to force their beliefs on
another group of people or on an individual); these seem to me
like forms of colonization. It seems like common sense to me,
though, that we would all want to live in a world free from
poverty, desperation, and economic fundamentalism.
Bu Joe - Chocolate or Vanilla? Coke or Pepsi? Rare steak or Tofu?
McDonalds or Burger King?
Heckat - I like chocolate soy milk, but I hate chocolate ice cream. I
like vanilla breakfast drinks, but I hate vanilla air
fresheners. I like strawberry old-fashioned soda.
What are Coke and Pepsi? Just kidding, I like no-name cola.
Rare steak? Does anybody actually eat that stuff? I'll take
Tofu.
Hmmm, I've eaten at both McDonalds and Burger King. I don't like
to support either of them though. They both have veggie-burgers
now, which is good, but somehow I don't think that means that
either corporation is enlightened.
*
Margie - Hi Heckat! I know you are a thoughtful person! What impression
do you have of Bu Joe after reading his interview? If you could
ask him one question, what would it be?
Heckat - I think that Bu Joe should write for HOE because he's certainly a
Hog Of Entropy. Oh, but HOE isn't around anymore. . . come to
think of it, that release-rate seems like the perfect pace for Bu
Joe. hee hee
But seriously, it's difficult for me to think of a question that
I would ask Bu Joe because I really like all the questions that
you asked him. Especially the ones about fascists. I feel like
copping out and asking something like "If your mother were a
hippopotamus and your father were a giraffe, what kind of animal
would you be?" Or, "What colour is your favourite pair of
socks?" Maybe, just maybe, if I wanted to be really cheezy
philosophical I would ask him what his number one reason for
getting out of bed in the morning is. This is particularly
relevant for those days when a person doesn't want to get out of
bed, when they would rather spend the entire day sleeping and
hiding from the world. I would want to know whether or not he
actually gets up on those days or whether he continues sleeping.
And I would also want to know, if he DOES get out of bed, what he
thinks of that finally helps him to make that leap from under the
sheets to under the shower.
OK, but last, I would REALLY ask him if he's ever heard the
saying "the proof is in the pudding" and if it means anything to
him.
Margie - Ok, Heckat, what is your secret for living in peace and
harmony?
Heckat - Peace and harmony? I don't think I've ever quite mastered that
lifestyle. Oh, that's not fair because I'm just being bitter
because I'm stressed out right now and tired and I'm a bit
lonely. The real answer to the question resides in Saskatoon. I
think my life before I moved to Fredericton was pretty utopic. I
especially liked it when you and Metal K. came back from Europe
and I got to hang out with you guys. The summer was terribly
hectic and I wrote a lot of academic stuff and I had to spend a
lot of time in my office, but in my off-hours I got to be with
people I love. AHHH that sounds so goofy, but I do believe that
the secret for living in peace and harmony has GOT to be
community. There's no doubt about that in my mind. That's what
I've missed the most since BMC and I moved to Fredericton. I
feel so "individual" here. There's power in numbers, so they
say. For me, that power isn't about ruling the world (although
if the N-Com staff DID rule the world things might be a lot
better than they are now), but it is about empowering our
community to be strong, get the most out of life, and thrive
happily.
Margie - What are the characteristics of a superior human being?
Heckat - I once saw an episode of "The Outer Limits" where this guy had
nanobots injected into his bloodstream and they started improving
his body, making him into a superior human being. At first,
everything was great for him. His muscles started developing;
his cardiovascular system became strong; he grew hair where he
used to be bald. Then, however, things started getting weird.
Because he was doing a lot of underwater swimming, the nanobots
constructed gills for him so that he could breathe underwater AND
on land. He even got eyes in the back of his head! It was
gross! I guess we can chalk this up to another cautionary tale
about the dangers of human interference with nature.
Margie - Please describe for me, using words, keeping gestures to a
minimum and neglecting the noun of the thing, the living organism
nearest you at this instant.
Heckat - There is a certain noun that lives with me who was lying on the
linen trunk a minute ago. She has since trotted off to the
kitchen to see if she can get some lovely crunchy food to eat.
You may feel that because I used a form of the verb "to trot" I
am speaking of a horse. But you would be mistaken.
*
linear - What inspired you to start your hardcopy zine Backyard Ashes?
Heckat - ada and BMC and I first met in a creative writing class. BMC
showed us a print copy of the N-Com to show off and flirt and
make us want to be friends with him. It worked. After that we
always wanted our own print zine, but we wanted to improve on his
model so that we could get better friends than him.
linear - For those of us who don't know, maybe you should explain what
exactly the zine is, and what its goals are.
Heckat - I'm not sure if ada will be asked this or not, so this might
cover ground that has already, well, been covered, but here goes
nothing. Backyard Ashes is a poetry/fiction/art zine that has
now released three issues. We generally put out an issue every
six months. Our next issue is due in December. If anyone out
there is sick and tired of submitting to the Neo-Comintern, they
can submit their poetry and short stories and black and white art
to us!!! Hee hee, I didn't really mean to subvert the N-Com
there.
Our goals are fairly diverse at the moment. Our manifest mandate
is to publish writers who are in limbo, who haven't broken out
into the "legitimate" world of literary publication, and to
create community for isolated voices. We also like to have a lot
of fun. In the future, we'd like to maybe procure some funding
grants, improve the look of the zine with a colour cover page,
and receive more submissions. The zine is pretty nice I think.
The format is working for us so far and we've received a lot of
compliments on layout and design.
I'm sure BMC would help us out by providing a link to our website
on the "Friends of the N-Com" page, but, alas, we do not have a
website yet. Cog was supposed to make one for us and we took him
out for supper in anticipation of all his hard work (we wanted to
thank him in advance) but he never delivered the finished
product! We still hope to have a website in the near future.
Keep a lookout for the link.
linear - What would you say are the advantages of a hardcopy medium as
opposed to an electronic based one?
Heckat - Hmm, that's hard for me to say. The internet definitely has the
advantage of making information available to a huge audience;
however, sometimes it can be difficult to draw that audience
because surfing the net is often like sifting through a garbage
heap. Print mediums are friendly because you can hold them and
read them in bed and spill coffee or soup on them. Each magazine
is a little artifact because there are a limited number of them.
I like that.
To tell you the truth, though, the reason ada and I produce a
hardcopy zine instead of an electronic zine is that neither of us
are that good with webdesign. We can come out with a
sharp-looking print zine that is more aesthetically appealing
than most other hard-copy zines, but we wouldn't be able to
produce something comparable if we had to work with html code.
Oh, one other thing is that with a print zine there isn't the
same pressure to publish one issue a week. It seems electronic
zines have to be updated fairly quickly or people lose interest
in them (maybe it's also a sign that their editors have lost
interest). With a print zine, a bi-annual publication is
standard. It gives us time to receive submissions, go through
them, have a dialogue with our contributors, and format the zine
until it looks great.
In short, I think it's best to try to combine the mediums. I
like the way the N-Com is both an electronic zine and a hardcopy
zine. ada and I would also like to blend the benefits of the
internet with our zine by getting a webpage that could inform
people of the print, how to order, submit, etc.
linear - If I was over at your house, and BMC wasn't around, would you
sleep with me?
Heckat - Yes.
Oops, did I answer that too quickly? I mean, BMC and I have, how
do you call it, an "open" relationship. So I don't think he
would mind, even if he was around.
OK, OK, actually Lancelot, Arthur and I don't have an open
relationship, but I'm not sure how to answer this question
because, to tell you the truth, I have a huge crush on you. By
asking me this, linear dear, you've set my heart a flutter and
taken my breath away. I've always fantasized about moving down
to the south-west coast, becoming your California girl, and going
on the dole - smoking pot, surfing all day, and lazing around
your Beverly Hills 90210-style condo on the beach.
Ah, but I know these dreams can only come true when I close my
eyes in bed at night. You're too popular with the girls, linear,
and I know you would only break my heart. I think, then, that
I'll have to settle for BMC for now. Yes, he's witty; yes, he's
handsome; and yes, he's even good in bed; but, oh, he never
cleans up after himself. You know what I mean?
linear - What is the editorial process like? How do you decide what makes
it and what doesn't?
Heckat - ada and I go over everything together. Our process is fairly
unscientific. We take what we like and we pass up what we don't
particularly like. Sometimes one of us likes something and the
other doesn't. We usually have a bit of a debate at that time,
going over our viewpoints. In the end, we make a decision we
both agree on. We work by consensus. Most of the time we meet
at one of our homes. Sometimes we order pizza and stare at the
guy across the courtyard lifting weights in his apartment.
Sometimes it's too hot outside and so we go out for ice cream or
swim in ada's pool instead of working. We've also been known to
talk, laugh, drink beer, gossip, tell secrets about boys, make
supper, or commiserate about our problems with our friend Jen
instead of working. Those things happen, but in the end we
always meet our deadlines somehow. We're both very dedicated to
the zine. This third issue really proved that to me. In the
middle of the summer I was working on my thesis, studying for a
French exam, getting ready to move, and trying to tie up the
loose ends at my job. ada was equally busy. We still managed,
in the midst of chaos, to come out with what we both feel is a
brilliant issue.
linear - What's the cost to produce something like Backyard Ashes? Do you
usually end up profiting, breaking even, or losing income?
Heckat - We ALWAYS lose money! That's the nature of the publishing
world. Unless you have someone filling your pocket with money
(i.e. the government or business advertising), you're going to
have to do your best with the loose change you've got kicking
around. Having two investors rather than one helps. ada and I
split all our costs. The zine usually costs around $1 per issue
to produce. Our last print-run was 300. We sell the zine for
$3, but, of course, we don't sell even close to half of them, let
alone all of them. We give a lot of them away to interested
parties, family, contributors, etc. We give them away to
potential contributors sometimes. Our launch is our most
successful way to get back some of the money we spent. Usually
we have a pretty good turnout. I think we got back $80 for issue
#2. We were very happy with that. It helps with the cost of the
next zine and we can use it to mail letters or buy supplies, like
a long-reach stapler.
linear - How long can you hold your breath?
Heckat - When I was a kid, my grandparents had a pool. I became a very
good swimmer at a young age because they lived across the street
from us. My grandpa would watch me practice swimming. My
favourite thing to practice was swimming the length of the pool
underwater. By the time I was four or so I could swim a lap
without taking one breath. After I had mastered that task, I had
a new goal. I wanted to swim one lap of the pool underwater in
less than 1 second. I had no idea how long a second was. I
hadn't learned to tell time yet. All I knew was that a second
was very short and that if I could swim a lap in one second
underwater, then I would be a contender for Olympic glory, no
less than a hero, and I would win honour for my family name.
Anyway, I practiced over and over again, each time asking my
grandpa, "Was I under a second that time?" To my dismay, he
ALWAYS said, "Not yet." In this way, he neither encouraged me by
letting me believe I had achieved my goal, nor comforted me by
explaining that I could never swim an underwater lap in less than
a second because the task was impossible for any human.
Futhermore, when I got frustrated with his regular answer and
asked him to elaborate - "But how close was I?" - he would
respond, "Pretty close." As a result, I continued practicing
until I was blue with cold and I came back day after day to the
same routine. Because I was a child who could not tell time, I
was a victim to my grandfather's special brand of sadism.
I would like to believe that my grandfather acted this way
because, like me, he did not know how long a second was. I'd
like to believe that he did not know how to tell time.
Unfortunately, like literacy, I know that the realities of
temporal linearity were taught my grandfather at a young age. I
can only guess that my grandfather played this sick game with me
because he is an evil bastard who manipulates people for his own
benefit and entertainment.
p.s. I just timed myself and I can hold my breath for 90 seconds.
linear - If one wanted to, say, obtain a copy of Backyard Ashes, how would
they go about doing so?
Heckat - Good question! Each zine costs $3. We also take trades. If
you'd like a copy, send a trade zine or a cheque to:
Backyard Ashes
34 MacKenzie Crescent
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan S7J 2R5
Canada
People can also get in touch with us at our e-mail address,
backyard_ashes@hotmail.com, to chat, to discuss zine issues, and
to proclaim their love for us.
linear - If God is all-powerful, can he create a zine so abstract that not
even he can "get it?"
Heckat - First, to answer your question, I would have to concede to the
"if" that not only is God all-powerful, but "he" is also male. I
don't think I can do that linear.
OK, but seriously, to humour you, I'll concede to these points.
IF we live in a universe where God is omnipotent, then, yes, I
think he could make a zine so abstract that not even he could
"get it." The proof of this is humanity itself. If this God you
speak of is the one who set this world a-turnin' then I think he
has confounded himself. I would put forth "the bible" as the
actual "zine" of God that God can't "get." I would like to add
at this point that I am referring to the Judeo-Christian God when
I speak of "God" in this context because he is the only male,
omnipotent God that I can think of. Other religions don't
conceptualize divinity in this way, and I don't conceptualize
divinity in this way, so I must resort to previous models.
Anyway, back to my point. The bible is a zine that not even God
can understand. I am not concerned with the contradictions,
re-tellings, and general insanity of the bible in proving this
case. If God is omnipotent then perhaps these things make sense
to him in a way that they cannot to us. However, what God failed
to understand, and we can find this written in the bible, is how
he could make a perfect being in his own image that was still
able to misbehave and become alienated from paradise. Even
taking into account free choice, God's humans (being perfect)
should have made the RIGHT choice (or, at least, the choice that
God had decided would be right because he made them in his own
image!). This is a contradiction without solution. Boo God.
,o$o
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d$$' The AlterEcho Interview ,$$
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Heckat - Why did you decide to start CLiT? Are most of the writers
friends of yours in "real" life or did you meet a lot of them
over that new-fangled invention called "the internet"?
AlterE - I started CLiT because it seemed like a good idea at the time -
something fun to keep me occupied. I dragged Aerialisticish into
doing it because he was the only person I could think of crazy
enough to also think it was a good idea. Now, of course, CLiT
has expanded into a global company hellbent on world domination.
I know most of the other writers, and I also know they all love
me. I'm a really nice guy, ya know?
Heckat - Hey, it's funny that you should mention that you're a really nice
guy because I notice that a lot of e-zine editors reassure their
readers that they love them - in accordance with your "nice
guyness" you write "I love you" to readers on the mainpage of
CLiT. Do you have a theory about why e-zine editors might be
particularly inclined to spout words of affection to their
audience members?
AlterE - In real life, people are forever telling me that I'm the nicest
guy they've met. Or maybe I'm forever telling people I'm the
nicest guy I know. I forget. I think I get a kick out of being
nice - that's my thing, because I have no personality. Online, I
probably picked up a thing or two from other e-zine writers, who,
as you mention, just wanna be loved! Maybe because it's a lot
easier to get away with saying "I love you" on the net than in
the Big Bad World? Maybe we're all just lovely, happy, caring
people? Maybe we were all abused as children. I refuse to
comment on my own situation.
Heckat - Abused children? That would explain a lot. The BMC always says
"all e-zine writers are in the same boat, or should I say, the
same BED! hahahahahahah." This brings me to my next question.
In your article "Top 5 Reasons Why I Would Like to Kick the BMC's
Arse," you promise a follow-up article to be entitled "Top 5
Reasons Why I Would Like to Make Love to the BMC on a deserted
Beach." Alas, this article has never been published.
Ironically, in the same article, you criticize BMC for not doing
the promised Esperanto follow-up to his guide: "Everything You
Ever Wanted to Know About Being Elite." I think, in order to
avoid being a hypocrite yourself, you should reveal at least one
of your reasons for wanting to make love to the BMC.
AlterE - Under normal circumstances, my dear Heckat, I would be most
unwilling to provide a sneak preview of an article that is still
under construction. Yes, that is correct, the promised piece is
well on its way to completion, and is expected to be released in
the second quarter of 2010. However, I am anxious to preserve my
reputation for integrity, intensity and intelligence (oh, it's
true), and I am willing to summarize reason number three for
you. The BMC has been like a mother and a father to me during
various times in my troubled youth, and one reason I wished to
make love to the BMC on a deserted beach was simply to express my
sincere gratitude for the guidance he provided. Apparently,
similar feelings can be shown with a box of chocolates or even
just a handshake (imagine that!), but hey, what would I know?
I'm just a little kid.
Heckat - Hmmm, the idea of your love interest in BMC has sparked another
question in my imagination, only it's of a more serious nature.
Ever since I read N-Com issue 194 I've been wondering how things
turned out between you and Alyson. Did you patch things up?
AlterE - I had this weird dream last night. I was in a classroom in
Africa, and the teacher told me none of the kids could afford new
shoes, so I gave my shoes to this kid who was wearing cool navy
blue Pumas with green laces. Then I was walking down the street
and I was really hungry, and I walked past this restaurant, and
someone called out my name. I poked my head through the door,
and some of my old work-mates were having dinner! I sat down,
and we all ate a lot of vegetables. The girl sitting two seats
down offered to take me to the airport, and I was grateful.
It's weird, you know? Six weeks and four days, more than six
months ago, and she's still offering me a ride to the airport.
That doesn't really answer your question, but you're the first
person I've had the chance to tell about this dream! We never
patched things up, and I guess we're not even friends now, not
_real_ friends (if that's possible), but when I see her at uni
I'll smile and say hi, cos I'm a nice polite little boy, and I'll
let her tell me how she got glandular fever from this guy I'm
friends with, and it's all good.
No, really.
Heckat - Wow, that's really sad. I remember hoping that you two would get
back together after reading the love theme issue of the N-Com.
However, I also remember thinking that maybe, if things didn't
work themselves out, you would get together with that "red-haired
antichrist" you had a crush on in N-Com issue 159. So, what ever
happened to that flame? Are you still in love with her?
AlterE - Unfortunately, that red-headed antichrist and Alyson are the same
person. So, in hindsight, I was young and stupid. Now I'm
still young and stupid, but on top of that, I am bitter and
jaded, so the experience has proved to be a rewarding one.
Heckat - AHH! The same person! BMC warned me that this might be the
case, but I stubbornly proceeded to ask the question anyway. Do
you still work together?
AlterE - Interestingly, the place where I used to work with the red-headed
antichrist has closed down, despite being a large Japanese
department store. Thus, that entire period of my life amounted to
shit. Can I say shit?
Heckat - Well you can't exactly "say" shit, but you CAN type it if you
like. Hahahahahah. OK, that was a lame joke to ease the
tension. Here's another one: What would you respond to
Asadersialle's claim in issue 10 of CliT that you are "Perverted,
obsessive, & ha[ve] a fascination with girls about ten years
old"?
AlterE - *Laugh* She can say what she likes. I always teased her
mercilessly in real life. She's a good kid, is Asadersialle. I
don't think I'm perverted. I'm such a nice little boy,
remember? I probably can't argue about obsessive, though.
Sometimes I just get hooked on things. At the moment, I'm into
the Electric Soft Parade, William Gibson, and procrastination. I
must admit, I have in the past been known to have a fascination
for a ten year old girl. I was in grade 4 at the time, and wow,
was she cute! She never knew I existed.
Heckat - What about now? Are you dating anyone at the moment?
AlterE - Currently, I'm going out with a girl from uni. It's fun, and I
know that when she breaks up with me, it won't be because she's
tired of me, but because I'm moving to Manchester to become a
rock star.
Heckat - A rock star? In Manchester? She'd be a fool to break up with
the next huge hit out of that northern industrial town. Hmmm, I
just thought of something. I noticed that you quote the theme
from Red Dwarf on Clit's News Page: "Fun, fun fun! In the sun,
sun sun!" Is quoting the theme from Red Dwarf intentional, or is
it just a coincidence? If you are a fan, do you think that,
after you move to the UK and become a famous rock star in
Manchester, you will use your loads of influence to revitalize
the show by re-recording its theme song on your 5th album?
AlterE - I love Red Dwarf! People think I am weird because I go to my
friends' places and watch every Red Dwarf episode or an entire
series of Buffy (Those people come too, but they still think I am
weird). I am still hanging out for the Red Dwarf movie that was
promised to me, oh-so long ago.
I've thought about making the theme song the ringtone for my
phone, but I've always dreamed of doing a cover of the "Om
Song." Man, that was a groovy tune!
Heckat - I love Red Dwarf too! BMC and I just finished watching the last
season. I'm sad that there aren't any more episodes. Do you
like science fiction in general, or is that show an odd exception
for you?
AlterE - I like science fiction. I'm like your run-of-the-mill geek,
right!? I grew up reading anything I could get my hands on, and
a lot of that seems to end up being science fiction or fantasy.
But a lot of it isn't. Go figure! As far as television goes,
Red Dwarf is the only sci-fi show I'll go out of my way to watch,
but I don't watch much TV. I'm just a poor uneducated kid from
the western suburbs, struggling to make a dime.
Heckat - Well, the fact that you're a starving student (don't think I'm
fooled by your claim that you are "uneducated;" I know that you
go someplace called "uni," which I believe translates as
"university" over on this side of the world) might explain why
you play BBS games. Aside from shallow pockets, do you think
that your love of Red Dwarf influenced your love of TEOS?
AlterE - I started playing TEOS after reading the TEOS Weekly e-zine. BMC
and Bu Joe made the game seem so cool! I don't think any of the
issues of TEOS Weekly are still around, though. I played for
awhile with BMC, Bu Joe, Gnarly Wayne and even Aerialisticish
until we had taken over the galaxy, but by then we'd lost
everyone except the BMC and I. It was a bittersweet victory, and
the very thought of it still brings a tear to the eye.
Heckat - Do you still play TEOS? If not, would you play again if you
could beat BMC and this time be named Best Pilot in the Universe
instead of him?
AlterE - I started a new round but, somehow, it wasn't the same. Ah,
we'll never see days like again, not for many a millenia.
Heckat - What was the name of your weapons officer?
AlterE - Weapons officer? Why, the one and only Buffy Anne Summers, of
course, and my Navigations Officer was the always-sexy Willow
Rosenburg. Wild times indeed!
Heckat - Now that we're on the subject of names, I'm curious about the
history of CLiT's writers' names. I can't pronounce them!
AlterE - What's wrong with AlterEcho? Aren't you studying for a PhD?!
Heckat - Ouch! OK, that was supposed to be a joke. I wasn't expecting
you to insult my intelligence. Anyway, I wasn't talking about
your own name, only names like Aerialisticish, Asadersialle,
etc. Why do you make everyone choose a name starting with "A?"
Do you think this is oppressive?
AlterE - Initially, I told Aerialisticish that his name had to start with
'A.' I'd already decided that the first issue would be sponsored
by that letter! Asadersialle just decided she wanted that
particular name, but PipeScream (now Anon) was the next writer.
People just thought they'd continue the tradition and utilise the
power and elegance involved with 'A.' What a marvellous,
marvellous letter. So the only person I ever oppressed was
Aerialisticish, but that's what I keep him around for. Although
at one stage, I considered asking the next posse of writers to
start their handles with a 'B,' and the group after that with a
'C.' Instant hierarchy! It could have indicated age, salary,
company benefits and overall class. It would have been
beautiful, no?
Heckat - No? Yes! Speaking of hierarchy, I hope you'll forgive me, but
I'd like to get serious for a bit and ask you some questions
about your personal beliefs. I'll start with an issue that's
been on my mind since reading the first few issues of CLiT. In
issue 4 you share the article "an open letter" and in issue 7 you
share "Us3d And Abus3d." I'm wondering now what your views on
sexual equality are and if you think that sexualizing women /
condemning women in the way you do in those article is harmless
fun or whether it is politically charged.
Along the same lines, in issue 7 you state that "Jonathon the
Igloo was GAY, and I don't like him." Do you dislike like
Jonathon because he is not heterosexual, or do you dislike him
for some other reason?
AlterE - In the beginning, CLiT was just a bit of fun. I'd just
discovered text, and I liked the way it was often reckless and
crude. I don't believe that any of those examples point to me
being sexist or homophobic. Politically incorrect statements
have a particular shock value, don't you think? I believe in
equality, hope for it, pray for it, whether it be sexual, racial,
or economic. On the other hand, it's easy to fall into thinking
patterns that discriminate against certain groups of people.
Women are bad drivers. New Zealanders have sex with sheep. The
Jews killed Christ. Americans are obese, arrogant, self-centred
destructive bastards who will hopefully be wiped out soon.
I'm not really answering your question, am I? I guess I'd say
that I believe in fairness and justice. Men and women are
different, right? I mean, I know they are - we studied males and
females in year 7. But people are people. I believe that the
best person should be chosen for the job, regardless of gender.
I don't believe that Serena Williams should get as much money for
winning the Australian open as Pete Sampras. I think my mum
cooks better food than my dad.
I don't really know much about feminist theories, or politics, or
anything really, but I know what I believe. I also know what I
like. And right now, I'm liking a Bacon & Egg McMuffin and the
gorgeous face of Alyson Hannigan.
Heckat - Just for the record, I have to say that I don't share your
viewpoints on sexism and heterosexism. But, hey, this interview
isn't about me; it's about you. On that note, I'd like to
continue with the subject of gender politics for a moment, I
wonder about your statement in issue 20 of CLiT that "Real men
don't cry." I know you were grieving at the time over the end of
your relationship with Alyson, but I wonder if this is how you
really feel about the gender-role you have to play because you
happen to be male.
AlterE - It's just a line, isn't it? I like lines! I would have much
rather been stoic about the whole thing than as cut up as I was.
That's all there is to it, really. Crying is supposed to be good
for your soul, or something, but I'll save my tears for when it's
time to truly mourn. Like when Radiohead start releasing country
music. Until then, I'll try and stay cheerful, even when the
chips are down and the hair is messy. Don't touch the hair!
Heckat - OK, I understand that you want to try to stay cheerful, but I
also know that you are often sad in your articles and that there
are things in this world that bother you. This dilemma - is it
really possible to stay cheerful when you recognize so many
problems in the world - reminds me of a question you asked the
BMC.
I heard through the grapevine that you asked BMC whether it is
wise, or worth it, to fight for ideals in this world of
apathetic, greedy, and insatiable people-bots searching for
lasting happiness, although they pursue instantaneous
gratification. (Well, that's not exactly what you asked, it's my
re-interpretation of the question). But, ultimately, your point,
I believe, was that it is foolish to pursue ideals that a small
minority of people in this world hold. Should we not, as you put
it, "give up, get high, and sleep with the best friend's lady
friend?" This question gave BMC a lot of trouble because he
hates to get down on idealism. Of course, even in his answer, he
remains faithful to his code. But I wonder now what you would
answer to your own question, especially in light of what you say
in CLiT, issue 4: "Aerialisticish keeps telling me that we can't
be communists. I don't care what he says - and to prove it, from
here on in all staff members of CLiT shall be referred to as
'Comrade.'" Even taking into account that you were joking at
that time and only enforced the use of the title "Comrade" for
the one issue, I wonder: Are you ready to take off your
revolutionary glasses, put on some with a roseish hue, and stab
your best friend in the back in order to have a good time?
AlterE - I think I care about things too much. I get really, really angry
when George Bush is making speeches on TV. I can't stand rank
stupidity. I hate it when the little man gets ripped off by the
big corporation. Sometimes I wonder why I do care so much. Not
many of my friends think about these things the way I think about
them, if at all. I'll probably be dead before the consequences
of this generation's actions really make themselves clear. It'd
be nice, I think, not to worry about any of this stuff, to just
live week to week, pub to pub, one woman to the next. Maybe
ignorance truly is bliss. I don't think it's possible for me,
just yet.
I have a current theory concerning the idealism of young people.
One day I'll be old and too busy with a career to think about
things that aren't within my personal bubble. I told my mum that
old people are the problem, and that if we culled everyone over
30 (except her, of course) we wouldn't be facing the same
problems. Different problems, of course. We might be more
worried about shortages of skateboards and Playstations, and the
dominance of MacDonalds. We'd never be faced with war, or the
continuing degradation of the environment, or wrinkles. So
there.
Heckat - So there! OK, I believe you've given the last word on that
issue. Maybe you can settle another. This one's a mystery that
needs solving. Ever since N-Com issue 189 I've been wondering
where the tomatoes are. Any hints?
AlterE - Sometimes I lie in bed at night and think about those tomatoes.
I doubt I'll ever hear much about them again, but I'm still
convinced that somewhere, somehow, Pedro will exact his revenge
on the heartless John.
Heckat - Pedro, heartless John, and the N-Com aside, let's get back to
your own magazine for a minute. How do you feel CLiT has evolved
over the course of its 23 issues?
AlterE - Hmm. That's a toughie. I'd hope the quality of writing has
increased. Certainly, the addition of each new writer adds
something different. I hope that overall we haven't changed too
much. A few issues ago, a reader said CLiT had lost its zing.
That bothered me a bit. Hopefully I'll never hear that comment
again! On the other hand, people still email me and ask what a
CLiT is, and where they can find it. Some things never change.
I guess there's been a little bit of a difference in subject
matter, thanks to me. But that's cool too. I'm happy when the
writers are happy and when the readers are entertained. We're
only 23 episodes in - in terms of a Buffy, that's not even one
season! The plan is to stick around for some time yet, if that's
ok with the people. Ask me again after issue 123.
Heckat - On behalf of the anxious audience, I'd like to ask you when the
next issue of CLiT will be released. And - so that you can voice
your experiences with balancing a magazine and school and a job
etc (fill in whatever else you are involved in) - could you
explain how you cope with the pressures of the world while
maintaining your own passions.
AlterE - It's tough. Right now, I should be doing an assignment. It's
due tomorrow, I've barely looked at it, I haven't started, and
I'm not actually sure I know how to do it. Still, that's the way
with most of my assignments these days. It's not much fun
because at high school I was always a high achiever, and now I'm
on scholarship, so I have certain academic standards that need to
be maintained. I've got a little bit more time than last
semester, because the department store I worked in closed down,
so my only source of income is tutoring. I play bass in a band,
and we've just finished the hockey season. I want to do
everything! I just take things one day at a time, which is good
in theory, but not pretty when assignments need three weeks worth
of work. There's a tonguetwister for you.
CLiT should be out soon. It'll be a smallish issue, methinx, and
I just need a bit of time to pull it all together. I don't know
what's up with the Cr00. They've all gone AWOL on me, and
they're all notoriously bad emailers. Or maybe they just don't
like me.
In any case, CLiT will exist in some form or other, and will
coming soon to an http://clit.freeshell.org near YOU!
Heckat - I'll be keeping an eye out, and I'm sure all the readers of this
interview issue will too. Well, I only have one question left,
and I don't think there's any easy way to ask it, so here
goes. . . I once heard that Australians' hair grows up instead of
down and that their heads grow beneath their shoulders. I also
heard that you don't have ice cream because on the other side of
the equator it's hot all the time (like hell) so hot that the ice
cream melts before you can eat it. And you don't have
refrigerators because you're stupid. Can you confirm or deny
these rumours?
AlterE - Obviously it wouldn't be in Australia's best interests for me to
either categorically confirm or deny those particular
allegations. Let me see what I can do for you though. . .
Speaking personally, I would have to agree that my hair grows
up. It looks like I'm wearing a big black wig, like a member of
The Strokes or something! Either that or Willis from Different
Strokes. I'm stupid too, but we have a fridge. What's up with
fridges? They always make so much noise in the middle of the
night. Our freezer makes less noise, and freezers are better
than fridges, right? Because they keep things cooler. LIKE ICE
CREAM. I like Cookies and Cream ice cream the most! So you're
wrong. Nyah! We have ice cream, it's just that we never get to
eat any, because we have to feed it to our pet kangaroo that
lives in the laundry. That we ride to school. Called Bruce.
It's fun living here in the bush! We eat damper and worms all
the time, and convict uniforms are IN! One day I want to catch a
space ship to the north of the Equator, so I can see REAL
CIVILISATION, but for now I'll stay downunder, cos I do look
pretty silly with my head below my shoulders.
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The Gnarly Wayne Interview ,$$
$$: by Gnarly Wayne ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
Wayne - I'm here tonight with famous N-Com writer and winner of the 18th
Annual 16 metre skeet shooting contest, Gnarly Wayne. So, Gnarly
Wayne, how are you doing?
Wayne - Aiight.
Wayne - So, it is rumoured that you enjoy alcohol, most times to the
farmost extreme of human endurance.
Wayne - Beleed dat.
Wayne - So, tell us one your experience with this "alcohol."
Wayne - One time, I drank so much that I vomited eleventy times until I
was down to about 40% water in my body. Then I decided to drink
more alcohol, which, of course, proved to be an excellent idea.
Wayne - I don't know if that's really cool or really pathetic.
Wayne - It's a little of both (gives the wink and the gun).
Wayne - Any good tales to tell of when you and any others drank together?
Wayne - Well, 98% of the time I drink by myself because everyone else are
idiots. But I remember this one time I passed out on BMC's
kitchen floor while he and Komrade B went to get some pizza. I do
not recall if I got some of the pizza (probably not).
Wayne - Are all your stories like this?
Wayne - Of course not. One time I passed out in a park. I lost my hat in
the same night.
Wayne - *sigh* Do you have any interesting alcohol stories?
Wayne - These are interesting, moron. In a thousand years, it's stories
like these that will make the bulk of new religious text. The
religion will be called Gnarlainity and followers will be called
Waynites. Communion will be done with one and a half ounce shots
of Captain Morgan and the offical theme song will be "Do You Wanna
Go To The Liquor Store" by Mixmaster Spade.
Wayne - You seem to have put quite a bit of thought into this.
Wayne - Actually, I just made it up now. Doesn't mean it won't happen
though. In fact, odds are that it will happen.
Wayne - How could you possibly think that?
Wayne - Think about it. Why is Christianity so popular? Because it's one
of the few religions that allow alcohol to be consumed. They even
worked it into their rituals. If a religion was BASED around
alcohol, you best believe peeps would be all over that isht like
white on rice.
Wayne - Your ramblings are frighteningly logical.
Wayne - BEHOLD THE POWER OF ALCOHOL! Werd.
Wayne - Care to add anything before I end this interview?
Wayne - Interview? I thought you were some woman trying to pick me up.
Wayne - Well, don't you remember last week when I set up this interview
and then confirmed a few days later?
Wayne - ....
Wayne - And I'm a guy, by the way. How could possibly think I was a woman?
I have a brush cut, hairy legs, and a beard. And I'm you.
Wayne - ....
Wayne - *sigh* Are you passed out, G-Dub?
Wayne - I think I'm blind.
.d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.
The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions.
Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or
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submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings
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For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at
<http://www.neo-comintern.com>.
Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is
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the neo-comintern
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