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The Neo-Comintern 209
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The Neo-Comintern Electronic Magazine -- Installment Number 209
.... .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. ....
`""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
Subversive Literature for Subverted People
Date: July 14, 2002
Editor: Cog
Writers: Cog
Gnarly Wayne
Komrade B
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P Featured in this installment: .b
$ $
$ The DeeJay's Guide to Greeting Devices - Gnarly Wayne $
$ Watching Movies - Komrade B $
$ A Day In The Life of Kit Hood - Cog $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
(please DO read the following)
Apparently, they're now reading the Neo-Comintern on Mars! You see what
happens when I'm the editor? I get things done.
You know who else gets things done? That's right.
So anyways, we've got a bit of a treat for you this week. Yeah, we've
gone a little old-timey (aka 'old-skewell') with this installment
featuring the three original non-BMC writers on the N-Com staff.
It was a little difficult to pull off, really. I had to summon Komrade B
with a "weegie" board. I had to sober Wayne up in order to let him get
freshly drunk. And I actually had to write an article.
Tough stuff! Enjoy!
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The DeeJay's Guide to Greeting Devices ,$$
$$: by Gnarly Wayne ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
In all cultures, in all lands, and all throughout time, humans and
non-humans have greeted each other in some fashion. There are almost as
many ways to greet a person as there are ways to leave them. I've been
compiling data since 1985 and finally have enough to put together this
article on the best and blurst ways to greet someone.
Handshake: A staple greeting in Western culture, but very dangerous.
Maybe not dangerous, but disgusting. I mean, for 90% of the people out
there, you KNOW where their hands have been (in their pants). Not to
mention that this is the greeting that activates the time-tested and
totally lame hand buzzer joke, which Uncle Rob insists on doing EVERY TIME
I visit him.
Rating: C-
Bow: The staple of the EAST SIIIIDE! This one works for me. No touching
and no eye contact. This one has "classic" written all over it. Remember
also to look at their shoes.
Rating: A
Smile: They say a smile a day brightens up the day or something like that
and they are correct. I've always thought that when someone is smiling,
they are at least two to three times better looking than when in not
smiling mode. Even people I would normally consider not that great
looking all of a sudden reach mediocre status when they smile. The only
problem with this is that when a girl smiles at me I always assume they
want to sleep with me. Then they usually do.
Rating: B+
Nod: Hands down my fav. Nothing wraps up the greeting experience more
than a simple nod. It's easy to do and can be used to greet friends and
strangers alike. There is just something so sincere about a nod. For
instance, say you have climbed the capitalist ladder high enough that you
are forced to wear "dress" clothes to work. So you are walking to work in
your stupidly expensive clothing and you see a guy picking up garbage in
his dirty coveralls. If you ignore him, you are just being rude. If you
shake his hand, hug him, or any other one listed here, you could be
mistaken for being condescending to him. Only the nod gives the simple
message "Hey, I respect you for what you do. I realize that you are
providing a service that is needed for the community. In fact, I am even
a little jealous because your job is down to earth and I just make money
for some old man who already has a lot of money." Combining a smile with
a nod works well too, but do not use the smile by itself. It is
condescending.
Rating: A+
Hug: Mixed feelings on this one. I'm all down with hugging people you
either love or are very close to. Yes, that includes same gender as well.
My problem is with giving hugs to people who are almost complete strangers
to you. It cheapens the hug, not unlike how the word love has lost
meaning because everyone uses it to describe everything they like.
Especially annoying are the guys who go hunting for hugs, like some kind
of lame hug hunter.
Rating: B-
Verbal: Usually "Hello", but if you know the person well enough, you
can use the venerable "Hi". As of late, I'll been putting spins on this
and using phrases like "Good day" and "Top of the mornin' to ya". For
good friends, you can also insert an insult at the end. Gnarly Wayne
almost always uses this particular tactic. Examples are "Hello, moron",
"Hey, jerk", and "Top of the mornin' to ya, fuckface."
Rating: B
High Five: This used to be cool, but then Seinfeld said it wasn't, so now
it isn't. I remember trying to look cool doing this but then missing and
making me look even more loserish. The worst was missing once, laughing,
and then missing on the second attempt. If you attempted a third attempt
after the second miss, you might as well tattoo "Kick my ass constantly
and continually" on your forehead.
Rating: C-
Overhead Wave: This wave is highly utilized by moms and grandmoms alike.
In theory it is quite sound but, once again, mothers and grandmothers have
to ruin everything. Not only do they totally overdo their waving and end
up looking like some maniac orangutan but they insist on screeching out
"Yoo Hoo! Over here!" like the frantic flailing of their limbs wasn't
enough. After you make eye contact so that they know you see them, if you
so much as glance to the side, the whole process starts over again. Geez,
YEAH, I saw you the first time. You're not some goddamn chameleon that is
going to blend back into the crowd just because I happened to turn my head
for two seconds. A normal overhead wave would have ranked fairly high,
but because of overzealous parents, it loses two whole grades.
Rating: C-
That is all for now and remember to use these in good or bad health.
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' Movie Watching ,$$
$$: by Komrade B ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
So this weekend I caved and broke my movie boycott. Sheer boredom seems
to have more sway than my core values I suppose.
The four movies in question were Scooby Doo, Insomnia, Mothman Prophecy,
and Sam I am.
Okay, I figure I could have selected better movies in which to break my
stance on non-movie watching. However, that's what was there so let's
just drop it, alright?
SCOOBY DOO
First off, Scooby Doo. This wasn't nearly as cool as one would think.
Shaggy was almost a carbon copy of the cartoon. Hank was Prince Jr. (nuff
said), Daphne was pretty hot, and Velma...well in spite of the geeky
exterior she was even better then Daphne, but lets not go there.
Scooby Doo sucked. He didn't even look real and he wasn't nearly as
cowardly in the movie. The villains and the mystery were not in line with
the cartoon either. Without spoiling the movie here is the guideline for
the cartoon.
The Mystery Bus goes to some out of the way place in a scary setting.
They meet two guys.
They see the monster.
Shaggy and Scooby run around while the monster chases them.
Daphne gets captured, Velma loses her glasses...
They capture the monster and it turns out he's one of the first two people
they met with the other guy being the victim of the whole scheme.
In the movie they went to an amusement park full of people! What?
They met several guys.
Shaggy and Scooby were chased a little bit but for the most part they just
wrestled with each other.
The culprits were numerous and not nearly as obvious as the cartoon.
INSOMNIA
Insomnia is that movie with Pacino and Robin Williams playing the bad guy.
Pacino is a murder cop from L.A. that for some reason is sent up to Alaska
to solve a murder. Plus he did some bad stuff and L.A., and because it's
always sunny in Alaska he can't sleep.
Pacino's character might not have been able to sleep, but I sure was able
to. And that's no small feat considering I was sitting in a hot, sweaty
car watching the movie. I woke up just in time to see everybody die.
THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES
The Mothman Prophecies was about some sort of moth-like creature that
gives prophecies of future events to certain people for whatever reason.
On the back of the DVD it says that the mothman gave Richard Gere's wife
some sort of prophecy before she died and then two years later he receives
prophecies when his car breaks down in a strange town.
Well, when I actually watched the movie it appeared that instead of giving
his wife a prophecy, the mothman killed her. Then Gere's character sulked
for two years before he met the mothman who started telling him about a
disaster.
I just couldn't follow the storyline. Not because it was complex or
confusing, though. No, the reason I could not follow it was because I
kept thinking (and suggesting aloud) that the townspeople should build a
big bonfire. If the creature was in fact a moth, it would be compelled
towards the flames. From there they could push it into the fire, or if
luck was on their side it would simply fly into the flames.
The logic behind that was if the mothman was dead he could no longer
predict future events, and therefore they would not happen. Simple enough.
SAM I AM
Sam I Am. This is that movie with Sean Penn playing a mentally challenged
character. The box says the following: "A movie about Sam, a man who
struggles to do the things you do with ease. It's one of the great
struggles of the heart."
So, basically the movie was about some guy that struggled to achieve the
mundane. For instance:
1. Eating soup without spilling 85% of it on his crotch.
2. Petting a cat from the top of the creatures head downwards towards its
tail. Not simply pressing hard on the animal and rubbing in any sort
of direction that met Sam's fancy.
3. Running down a hallway without falling down any stairs or tripping on
the floor.
4. Going to the store with the intention of buying milk and bread and
actually buying those items instead of soy sauce and lichen seeds.
5. Successfully fermenting honey in his bath tub and making a top notch
mead (one of my favourite parts of the movie).
6. Forgetting to take his medication which causes him to run nude on the
street until he comes upon a child whom he pummels and then steals the
child's bike. What's more human than that?
7. Watching Will and Grace and getting 24 minutes of non-stop laughs.
(Funny stuff. You actually get to watch Sam watch the whole episode.
During the commercial break when most people get up to go to the
bathroom, Sam merely soiled himself on the couch and sat quietly until
the show resumed.)
8. Being in a plane which starts to go down. Sam takes the controls from
the dead pilot and the plane immediately bursts into flames.
9. Reducing his drooling by 46%.
So as you can see, Sam I Am (or I am Sam -- I can't remember) was my
favourite of the four movies, in that I actually did not see that movie
and just made up the stuff that happened in it. Of course, the movie was
in my hands and I could have watched it, but I would be just disappointing
myself as I already had the perfect Sam I Am already in my head.
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' A Day In The Life Of Kit Hood ,$$
$$: by Cog ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
The day began. That day was 2002.
Kit pushed the button which rotated his body into the sitting position.
As he did, he remembered the days when he used to use his hands for that
purpose. Those times were simpler and much more boring.
His bedroom was made of steel and crystal. So was his bathroom. In fact,
his whole world was made from steel and crystal. At least, to Kit it was.
Kit pushed the button that fully awakened him. Then he decided to eat
breakfast.
As Kit was eating a healthy breakfast of tin-rivets and gasoline, he
pushed the button that made him sigh. "Oh Kit," he sighed, "when are you
going to find what you seek..."
"Today? Tomorrow? MAYBE SOMETIME AFTER I FINISH EATING BREAKFAST? I
don't KNOW!" answered Kit. "I'm busy right now, in case you didn't
notice! EATING BREAKFAST."
Kit pushed 'puree' then 'liquefy'. He was full now.
Kit rinsed his plate and put it in the sink. He'd started himself
thinking now.
"When WILL I find it?" he wondered.
He looked out the window and decided he would push THAT button when the
time came.
Kit sat down on the couch and pushed the button that turned the television
on. This button was on the TV.
After he was done watching 'Ghostbusters', Kit decided to push the button
that made him decide to go to the park.
Once at the park, children screamed and ran from him. His parents saw him
and disavowed any knowledge of him. A dog urinated on his wooden shoes.
A gang of toughs lit him ablaze and rapped him with a knotty pine branch.
But Kit tried to give an impression that he was having fun regardless of
these unpleasant developments.
All who saw him that day at the park say that he appeared to be enjoying
himself. Even when he was on fire, Kit could be quite convincing.
As dark began to settle in the sky, Kit looked to the heavens and wished
on the first star he saw.
"Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish
I might...have the wish I wish tonight," Kit wished. He knew you couldn't
say the wish out loud, or it wouldn't come true...
"I wish I'd find what I was looking for." Kit said this out loud by
mistake, thereby assuring that he never would find ANYTHING.
Later, as Kit was at home eating his dinner of tinfoil and fire, he
realized his slip-up. He pushed the button that made a tear march a path
down his cheek.
Kit was struck aghast by this. "So it was all ... for NOTHING? All of
it," Kit whispered, "was useless."
Kit went to his crystal bedroom and crawled onto the bed. The button that
made a tear march down his cheek was stuck, so Kit was bawling now. He
couldn't believe it! Everything in his life -- everything that had led up
to that one moment was rendered void with that one slip up in the park.
And he'd been so careful! Why now? Why Kit?
Kit pushed the button that made him die a natural death. "Perhaps THIS
was what I was looking for," he said with his last breath.
However, as the life began to leave Kit's body he heard a voice.
"No, Kit. That was not what you were looking for. You were actually
looking for your bankbook. And it's under the phonebook in the drawer in
the kitchen. You left it there last week. Remember?"
Kit remembered now.
"...and if you hadn't been so stupid and said your wish out loud, you
would have found it on Saturday. But since you fucked up, you're dying.
Why didn't you ever push the button that made you stop being stupid, Kit?"
Kit was ashamed, but beginning to become annoyed. But he was also
finishing becoming dead.
Kit's last thought was of some kind of noodles. It was not very profound
nor even very appropriate.
THE END
.d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.
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copyright 2002 by #209-07/14/02
the neo-comintern
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