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s u b v e r s i v e l i t e r a t u r e f o r
s u b v e r t e d p e o p l e
d e c e m b e r 2 3 r d , 2 0 0 1
e d i t o r - b m c
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w r i t e r s :
a h m e d b a l f o u n i
b m c
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Alphabetum
by BMC
Blatant Chortle
by Ahmed Balfouni
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e d i t o r ' s n o t e
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I've been told that people are doing strange things at this time of year,
and I would like to encourage them to stop.
I got this card in the mail that says:
It is that magical and festive season when, rather than commit ourselves
to genuine and lasting peace and goodwill, we exchange in grotesque,
profligate commodity exchanges as euphemisims for heartfelt intimacy.
Time to express our deepest sentiments by consuming exponentially,
overloading credit systems, exhausting more energy, food supplies and
nonrenewable resources, expanding our monoliths of waste and gorging on
the future like a joyfully adorned contagion that erupts into effluent
shock-waves of consequences and ideological sewage across the globe.
Truly the jolliest season of all!
I have no idea what this means, but I would like to thank the mystery
person who sent it to me. And if anyone knows what this piece of paper
is written in reference to, please let me know.
BMC
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ALPHABETUM
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Ain't it strange how sometimes the most simplistic shit pops into your
head and it seems totally pro-fuckin-found?
Like here I was the other day in class and shit, typing away. Here I
was, transcribing this lecture, then I stopped to look around. I felt a
brief moment of disorientation, and as I looked back down at my keyboard
it was as though I was seeing it again for the first time. Baffled, I
wondered, "Why are all of the keys in this order, and not in the regular
ABC order?"
I remembered this story about the guy who created the typewriter and
started out by putting the letters in regular order and then ended up
switching them around so that it would take longer for people to type.
Does that make sense? It sure does on one of those old typewriters where
if you hit two buttons at the same time they jam up an' shit! So now
we've got this fucked-up quasi alphabet on our keyboard, and how the hell
do we remember where all of the keys are? I guess it just comes
naturally to us after awhile.
But it's not the way you remember being taught letters, right? It was
like:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z (pronounced "Zed")
And, you know, it's quite funny, because there is something else that is
taught to us in that same left-to-right style:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 (etc)
Now, we see a strong correlation between these two. Both follow a logical
progression from left to right. But does the order make sense? Not
really. Well, it does with the numbers. The standard numerical unit is
1. If you have one thing, you use the number 1. One apple=one. One
more than that is two apples. One more than that is three apples. So
the number line is a series of numbers that increase in volume by
quantities of one. It is representative of a straightforward progression
of numerical values, from least to greatest. Very rational.
Now let's attempt to apply those same principles to the letter line. If
you have one pear you have A pear. (HahHAhAHhAhAHah) Ok, this is by
pure coincidence, as you will see. If you add A pear and A pear, do you
have B pear? NO! And thus my point is proven. Unlike the number line,
which is a logical progression of values, the letters in the letter line
have no such values to them that justify placing them in a line! It is
just a second-rate rip-off of the number line. Deceitful!
While I must admit that letters do have values, they are not mathematical
values, but values of sound. However, the letter line sounds are not
placed in order of that with lowest frequency to highest frequency or any
such measure. It's completely random. Completely fucking random, yet for
some reason we are forced to learn the letters in this order. It's
called the alphabet.
Now let's look at this word, "alphabet." I'm sure you all know this, but
it comes from the Greek words "Alpha" and "Beta," being the names the
Greeks ascribed to the symbols of "A" and "B." So you can see how this
alphabet system is totally prejudiced and insists on the notion that the
letters we use as have a certain natural order which should be maintained
at all costs. For example, let's assume that a grade one teacher asks
their student to recite all of the letters. If the child repeats the
letters in alphabetical order they are commended, but if they choose to
recite them in an order contrary to the endorsed method, they are scolded
and perhaps even held back a year to take grade one all over again, even
if they do know all of the letters.
One of the reasons we continue to stick to this bizarre notion that the
letters have to be memorized in a certain order is because of the utility
of mnemonics. The easily memorizable rhythmic rhyme of the alphabet
seems to make it somewhat easier to understand. ABCDEFG rhymes with
HIJKLMNOP. QRS stands by itself, TUV rhymes with the first group of two,
WX rhymes with QRS, and Y and Z rhymes with the earlier fragments when
recited in the American language, and with later fragments when recited
in Canadian.
Canadian rhyme scheme: AABABB
American rhyme scheme: AABABA
The names of the letters tend to rhyme with each other: also note the
internal rhyme scheme of the first segment:
a B C D E f G: most of the letters in this opening verse sound the same,
giving the song an catchy intro and making the song one that will invade
your mind and keep you educated (or keep you a prisoner of the letter
line, the linear progression of alphabetical thought).
The alphabet song is just a part of the vicious cycle. If the villains
who run our society didn't insist that we think of the alphabet in a
straight line from A to Z, we wouldn't have this alphabet song. If we
didn't have this alphabet song, the alphabet wouldn't be so easy to
remember and so damn funky of a jam. And that jam is one of the greatest
brainwashing tools of society. There is only one song. There is no
alternative. It is oppressive, insulting, and stifles the free thought
that one might hope would be part of a free society.
I want to get out of here and move to a place where they don't have an
alphabet. I'd still want to speak and write in English, I just wouldn't
want to have to think of the letters in any particular order. I really
do hate that alphabet song. I've heard a few good renditions of it, but
let's face it - it's overplayed, along with this alpha beta mentality.
And you know who's really getting played? Us!
It has been proven that strict adherence to dogmatic theory and rigidity
of though inhibits intellectual growth and creativity. Is it a plan by
the man to keep us poor folk in the can? Fight it - because we ain't
getting out the ghetto until we can get the fuck up out this alphabet.
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BLATANT CHORTLE
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my dog died
he was a dog ay there was a dog
such a dog you can't buy
in no pet stores every day
he will come back
any day
quite possibly in the broederband
of intimally assumed such faiths
he will regard
such any faiths
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The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions.
Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or
anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to
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into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of
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For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at
<http://www.neo-comintern.com>.
Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is
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Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The
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c o p y r i g h t 2 0 0 1 b y #182-12/23/01
t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n
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