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The Neo-Comintern 150
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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 5 0
We Are the New International
April 15th, 2001
Editor: BMC
Writers:
Gnarly Wayne
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;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ Guest Editor's Note - Gnarly Wayne $
$ Metal Steeze - Gnarly Wayne $
`q p'
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EDITOR'S NOTE
(please do not read the following)
Well, we have now arrived at issue #150, the Metal Steeze issue.
The Neo-Comintern has been building up to this issue since #1. The epic
tale that is Metal Steeze will be the pinnacle of all the N-Com works up to
this point. We have released many solid gold issues and even a few solid
platinum. However, this issue is solid elementium.
No conjunction of words has even been brought together in such
harmony as within the tale woven here. To the unenlightened and weak of
mind, spirit, and soul, this story may seem strange, silly, and even
downright ridiculous. To the Homo Superious, however, this tale will speak
volumes and enable you to advance to the next stage of evolution. That's
right, fellow brethren, the time to ascend to our pure energy forms is at
hand. Upon reading the following material and reflecting for no less than
two minutes, you shall leave your mortal shell and become one with the
cosmos. BMC and I shall greet you there. We already have the banners and
party favours ready. And there's cake, too.
No Earth-based article from the past or the future will ever be able
to top this masterpiece. Therefore, the Neo-Comintern (Terran version) will
cease to continue and the Neo-Comintern (Inter-dimensional cosmic funk
version) will begin. We hope the mortals enjoy the final issue of the
Neo-Comintern and we hope to see many of the enlightened ones at our cosmic
party (where the evenings' festivities will climax with the release of the
first energy based Neo-Comintern).
Cheers!
P.S. Cog has programmed a energy-to-text converter so that Earth can
still get future issues. Kudos, Cog!
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;P METAL STEEZE .b
`q by Gnarly Wayne p'
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| \_____________/ | <-- Metal Slime - "Kaiser"
\_________________/ (4 hps)
"You know my steeze."
Yes, I certainly do. I know your metal steeze. And this is the story
of one such metal steeze who lived on the metal steets of a slightly
futuristic Alpine village. The steeze was named Kaiser, for he enjoyed the
bread of the same name. Too bad everyone didn't name their children after the
foods they most enjoyed. I would be Alcohol. BMC would be Lentil. Cog would
be Leftovers. Komrade B would be Worm Food.
Anywho, Kaiser was about his Alpine village with no name because the
people who built it where not creative enough. This lead to problems in the
metal steets because none of them had names so no one could find anyplace.
Hence, absolutely no production or manufacturing was ever done because no one
could find the places to go for job interviews so all businesses that started
immediately failed. To Kaiser, this was fine, because he was a smoker and
lazy anyway. While hanging out at the now defunct Corner Store, Kaiser
realized that all the people had left the metal steets of the Alpine Village
some twenty years ago. With no livelihood, everyone had left. The metal
steets themselves made it extremely difficult for anyone to drive on as well,
and therefore, negating their one sole purpose and making them completely
useless. Kaiser didn't gives a dizamn, though. He was hardcore and steiht
from the bad area of the metal steets.
It sure looked the part, too. The steets had begun to show telltale
signs of rust, and there were no buildings at all. Kaiser lived in a pothole
in the steet. It never dawned on him to move into any of the other nicer
houses in the nice area, because he was a fucking idiots.
One day, Kaiser decide to take a vacation to see his grrl in a
neighboring borough. He packed his lunch and took two metal steets (just in
case). On his journey, he met two friends, whom he befriended instantly.
They were Jonathon the 50 foot rope, and Charles, a giant praying mantis.
After showing them the metal steets and hearing their oohs and aahz, they
continued on. Kaiser said they could all have sex with his grrl cause she
was a real tramp. Kaiser only went out with tramps, for the obvious reasons
(steet knowledge). Jonathon quoted Dickens while Charles battled with
Magidrakkis and Magiwyverns. Soon the journey had ended.
Kaiser wanted to surprise his girl with the metal steets, so the
inseparable group of friends snuck up to her slutty pad. The stench of sex
hung in the air like when a really fat guy takes a big shit. Kaiser looked
into the bedroom to see his grrl riding the mistletoe of some other nza!
Even though he couldn't blame her for being her, he still killed her by
breathing fire on her. Jonathon made himself into a noose and Charles threw
the nza in him.
Kaiser darned his luck repeating and Jonathon suggested going out
for multiple drinks. Wayne said yes, I mean, Kaiser said yes and off they
skiddadled. Two hours and two hundred golds later, all were severely pissed.
Jonathon played a slot machine shaped like a train with a giant display on
it. At one point, he got three blue slimes in a row, which more than enough
paid for the drinks. With the leftovers, he built a aeroplane in which to
fly him and his friends over the next continent, where the monsters would
be more difficult, and hence, yield more golds and exp. King Jovial was there
as well, and Kaiser had a question he had been wanting to ask for awhile.
Jonathon quickly learned how to fly and they were off. Kaiser
marveled at the vastness of the ocean and wondered why he had spent so much
of his life in the town of metal steets. He began to dream of his youth and
his birth. His dad was a carpenter and his mother was a metal steet. He had
been born in an intersection; a good omen to say the least. He remembered
how his father had tried to build a life there, but having no wood, only
metal, around he couldn't provide for his family so he built them a home
out of himself, losing his life in the process. His mother made very little
money as a steet and was forced to do less than acceptable things "after
hours" in order to make ends meet. Kaiser couldn't bear to see his mother
suffer so, which began his career in hustling. He had seen other older
steezes play the game before. Kaiser simply became a playa. His favorite
saying was "Don't hate tha playa, hate tha game (of Dragon Warrior 4)".
Kaiser had a knack for speaking in brackets. Sometimes he also said
"Sharpen your aim", but that quickly became played out. Kaiser's hustling
quickly tapered off after everyone left the town, but he still managed to
do a little hustling to keep himself alive. He mostly hustled to himself, but
somehow it still proved fruitful.
Charles' screech snapped Kaiser out of his daydream. They had
arrived! Excited to see the new country, Kaiser flung himself out of the
plane before they landed. His friends gasped in shock, then smiled when
Kaiser hit the ground with a thud. He was made out of metal, for crying
out loud. A little 30,000 foot drop wasn't going to hurt him, unless he
landed on a metal which was denser than him (pfft, yah right).
The pals looked around the new land in awe. It was much different
than the land of before. For the first time in his life, Kaiser saw air.
He looked in amazement at the whiteness of it, how cold to the touch it was,
and how good it tasted in his mouth (except for the nitrogen bits). Taking
a bag full of air as a souvenir, Kaiser et al strode off to see King Jovial.
King Jovial sat atop a monstrous throne. Monstrous not in its size, but
in that it was a monster! It was a gold man from what could be told of its
twisted shape. It had been shaped, more or less, like a chair but the head at
the foot of the throne betrayed its gold manish roots. The gold man throne
let out a large sigh as King Jovial spoke.
"Ho, lo and behold, what dost thou request of the great King
Jovial?", spake the King.
"I have a question on my mind that has been troubling me for quite
some time, your majesty. I figure only one as great as you can possibly
answer it.", said Kaiser.
"I will not answer your question!", bellowed the King.
"But thou must!", said Kaiser.
"Never!", screamed the King.
"But thou must!", replied Kaiser.
"It can't be done.", said the King, wearily.
"But thou must!", repeated Kaiser.
"No...", whispered the King, now slumped over one throne arm.
"But thou must!", reinforced Kaiser.
"Okay!", said the King cheerfully. "What is thy question, lad?"
"Why doesn't everyone have metal steets in their town like mine
does?", inquired Kaiser.
"Hmmm.... that is one good fucking question, for, as everyone knows,
metal steets offer only advantages to any persons traversing it.", said the
King.
"Jeah, I know.", said Kaiser.
"Unfortunately, we do not have a prototype of a metal steet for our
steet builders to go off of. I hereby bequeath a quest onton youse. There
is a rumor that a metal steet may exist high in the rocky peaks of Mount
Kanpai, which lies beyond the Gloomy Glades and the Desert of No Fucking
Return. Now be off!", ordered the King.
"But I have a metal steet right here with me. Alternatively, we could
fly back to my hometown and get a ficka fresh one.", reasoned Kaiser.
"Now be off!", order the King.
"*sigh* whatever, Kingface.", muched Kaiser.
Author note: I seemed to have set myself up for about another 30K or
so of writing with this dumb quest. Readers who normally can't stomach my
stories for more than a few paragraphs (read: everyone but tha BMC) may stop
reading now.
Kaiser & Da Gang got some camels and prepared to cross the evil
desert. Then they stopped and also had dessert. hahAHHaH. After about
crossing half the desert, they realized they brought no supplies along
whatsoever. This did not matter too much to Kaiser or Jonathon as they did
not need water, but Charles sure did.
So Charles did, I mean died. One major supporting character was dead!
Wow! I bet you are thinking that this crazy writer is a rebel and doesn't
obey any of the conventional rules. Whut will happen next? This could go
anywhere!
After Kaiser and Jonathon fed Charles to the camels, they made it the
rest of the way (hmmmm... maybe this won't be 30K after all). The desert was
pretty easy, cause all monsters and encounters died in the desert.
The Gloomy Glades were right on the edge of the desert and I don't
care if it is ecologically impossible. These woods were scarier for the two
comrades. There were scary noises, scary shapes, scary winds, and scary
MoOn MoNSTaRs. A Mo0n MoNSTaR dropped from a tree and attacked the
terrified trio (oops, I mean dynamic duo). Jonathon yelled at Kaiser to eat
the MoOn MoNSTaRs' flesh so that they could make peace with it. As Kaiser
tried to eat its fleshy neck, he knocked off the mask the thing was wearing.
It wasn't a MoOn MoNSTaR at all, it was CTV weatherman, Tom Brown!
"Hey, guys, I predict fun and joy for the weekend with a smattering
of funk.", said overlord Tom Brown.
"I love you, Tom Brown!", said BMC and Gnarly Wayne, who weren't
part of the story except for this part.
P.S. Tom Brown rules. He can hold a microphone in a tub full of
water and not get electrocuted. Also, he can nod at the person he is
interviewing AND also give a super nod at the camera. Tom Brown is what
every man wants to, and should, be. *sigh* Tom Brown.... why has your
autograph forsaken me so?!?!?!!?
Anywang, Tom Brown gave the heroes the gift of being fucking
awesome! They were so brave as they traversed the rest of the forest.
Just then......... AN ENCOUNTER! Let's see whut the GM rolled up.
.....
..
Hmmmm... a pack of 20 goblins.
Luckily, they were lead by Gobbie Gee, keeper of the funk. He
befriended the heroes (Kaiser and Jonathon), and gave them the gift
of coolness. Now the heroes were set! Awesomeness and coolness were
two really good gifts! Gobbie Gee gave them safe passage through the
rest of the forest until they were at the base of the mountain fortress
of Emperor Shen Gun, who was armed with guns.
"How can we get past those gunz?", said Kaiser to that other guy
he was with (I forget who).
"How about we introduce a new character with some different, yet
special powers?", said that other guy.
"Jeah!!!!!!", said Kaiser.
And guess who came around the corner?!?!?
If you guessed Taloon the Merchant, you are RIGHT!
"Hey, d00dz, want some 0-day?", said Taloon.
"Do you have Rapblord v2000.T?", said Kaiser.
"Does Kish get tha moooooood right?", said Taloon.
"I don't know who Kish is.", said Kaiser.
"Yes, I have the version in question.", quietly spake Taloon.
After playing the incredibly fun game of Rapblord and achieving the
rank of KRS-ONE, Taloon joined the group and they set off.
Taloon has joined the party! <fanfare>
Kaiser said "+410o/\/ /<4/\/ g3+ |_|z \/\/4/~3z, |)00|)z!"
Taloon and Jonathon exchanged estranged glances and vows to each
other. Kaiser shrugged mercifully. They began their ascent up the mountain
fortress.
Meanwhile, Emperor Shen Gunz was shining up his gunz. A shogun
entered the masturbation chamber.
"Emperor!," screeched the shogun. "Intruders approach!"
"Whu whu whu whuwhu Whot?!?!", said Emperor Shen Gunz.
"Emperor!," screeched the shogun. "Intruders approach!"
"Time to lay a smack down.", revelled Shen Gunz. Shen Gunz picked
up two AK-47s and attached them to his forearms.
"Who ya gonna shoot wit dat?", said the shogun.
"Freedom got an AK", said Shen Gunz.
"WORD!", said the shogun.
Kaiser and the p-osse had reached the inner sanctum of the stronghold
without so much as a fight. Stealth was the key on this mission.
"Hold! I can sense metal steetz.", said Kaiser.
Kaiser slipped into a deep mediation. His reality slipped away as he
entered the Steet zone.
He was a contestant on Kidz Steet. He was in the Blue Car with a
childhood friend. Kevin Frank came running out from behind the set, a smile
plastered all over his gorgeous face.
"Hey, kidz, how are you all doing?!?"
Applause.
"Hey, here's a good joke. What do you get when I both ejaculate and
urinate on some slices of bread?"
No response.
"A pee-nut butter and jelly sandwich? Get it? HAhaHhahhAhA"
No response.
"Oh my! Well, let's introduce today's contestants. In the green car
we have Toni Tone and his friend Lazy Laz. Now Toni Tone, I have heard that
you never leave the girls alone. Is that true?!?!?!?", asked Kevin Frank.
"Yes..... yes, it is, Kevin.", said Toni.
"Aha.... I bet you'll never do that again. hHAhAHAha", said Kevin.
"And now, in the Red car, we have Unknown Derelict #1 and Unknown Derelict
#2. Now, #1, I heard that one time as a child, you grabbed hold of an
electric fence and had twenty thousand megavolts course through your body."
"Yes, it has scarred me for life. It was so traumatic. I will never
be able to enjoy life to the extent I once did."
".. ....... ah ah ah HAhaHAHAahAHAHh, I bet you'll never do
that again.", quipped Kevin.
"No, why would I?", said #1.
".. ..... ....... .. in the Blue car, we have Kaiser and BMC. Now
Kaiser, you are a metal slime, are you not?", said Kevin.
"Yes.. . . .. yes I am.", said Kaiser.
" ... . . . . . . . . .. ah HAHaHAHAHAH Aha I bet you'll never
do that again.", retorted Kevin.
"Are you high, Kevin?", inquired Kaiser.
"Ok, onto our game, the rules are simple.. blah blah blah blah".
Kaiser and BMC made it all the way to the final Rebus round. Man,
they were going to win some fun toys!
The rebus was impossibly difficult and neither Kaiser nor the BMC
could get even close. Oh well, as long as they got the "at least you made it
to the final round" prizes.
Kaiser knew that the steetz were at the top of a tower. Now how to
get to the Kaiser, or rather, how to get to the tower. Luckily, Taloon had
a scroll of mass invisibility. They snuck across the main hall. They snuck
across the courtyard. They snuck through the tower door. They snuck up the
steps. They snuck right into my heart..... and right through the top tower
door.
Aah! A metal steet! At long last. Kaiser thought he had seen some
nice metal steetz in his day, but this one took the cake.
All polished....... chrome finish.....double spoilers.... this puppy
had it all. Suddenly, this phrase was heard.....
"With tha BOOM! PING! PING! ... listen to tha ill shit that I bring
bring!"
Jonathon fell to the ground, multiple gun wounds to the chest and
throat.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", screamed Taloon.
Taloon sang this song to the dying Jonathon as he cradled the dying
rope in his arms.
"Maybe I will forgive you, mmmm, maybe you'll try
We should be happy together... forever... you and I.
If you love me again like you loved me before,
this time I want you to love me much more."
Jonathon slipped away from Taloon, a moist trail down the side of
his face.
"I won't let go, Taloon. I will never forget you."
Jonathon spoke these last words to his beloved Taloon.
Later that night, Taloon attempted to take his own life.
He failed, and just continued to sell copper swords and lunches for
twice the normal price.
Kaiser, however, had to deal with Emporer Shen Gunz.
But his shotgunz went Pop!Pop!Pop! and then the hoodie dropped.
Kaiser breathed fire upon Shen Gunz, but Gunz was unaffected.
This was Kaiser's only real power. He figured he was totally fucked.
Shen Gunz kicked his azz for a couple of hours, but wasn't able to penetrate
Kaiser's heavy armor. He only ended up doing 2 HPs of damage. Kaiser thought
of all the fun him, Jonathon, Charles, and Taloon had together and the
unbreakable bonds of friendships that were formed that Shen Gunz had
attempted to steal from them. Rage filled his metal mind. His eyes glowed
red. His skin glowed white hot. Steam spewed forth from every orifice in
his dewdrop-like body. Shen Gunz fired furiously at Kaiser, but EVERY
BULLET BOUNCED OFF HIM! Shen Gunz begun to shake with fear. Kaiser drew
a metal steet from his blackback.
"Ho de ki se mo fi RO KI CHI NOWHATBEEOTCHTHISISTHESHIT!"
Kaiser screamed as he flung the supercharged metal steet at Shen Gunz.
"CRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!", shrieked Shen Gunz as the metal steet pierced
his brain (and eyes)(and face).
"You haven't died in vain, my friends!", Kaiser wept as he stretched
his arms outwards towards the rising sun.
Soothing music swept the lands as Kaiser held the metal steet towards
the heavens.
"Success!", annouced Kaiser.
He visited every town he had ever been to on the way back and talked
to one person in each town, as was the custom.
King Jovial was jovious at the arrival of Kaiser.
"Nice street!", said Jovial.
"Thanks, it only cost the lives of my three dearest friends in the
world to get", said a disheartened Kaiser.
"Well, actually, Taloon is still alive (as if he could ever die), but
anyway, gimme dat steet!", said King Jovial.
"<sigh> whatever, KingFace, let's just listen to Music Box Dancer.",
suggested Kaiser.
"Excellent idea!", said King Jovial.
They danced for hours to the plinking of Music Box Dancer,
unarguably the best dance song ever made.
So, except for the deaths of those lovable heroes, everything worked
out perfect.
Kaiser can now be seen wandering the lands of Dragon Warrior 4, a
smile permanently etched on his face.
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 |
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| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #150-04/15/01
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.
