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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 6 2
We Are the New International
July 15th, 2001
Editor: BMC
Writers:
Rickey Petersen
BMC
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;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ How 2 Drive Cars - Rickey Petersen $
$ .5mm vs .7mm - BMC $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
(please do not read the following)
I'm stupid and weak and uncreative today, so instead of writing an
editor's note I am just going to cut and paste a literary flop that I wrote
last week. It is an epic romance, told in three sentences.
Citizen Wayne
From humble beginnings, Gnarly Wayne lived the first 24 years of his life in
relative obscurity. Then he discovered alcohol and became rich in
drunkenness. From his great rise to his tragic fall, Gnarly Wayne became a
modern Canadian legend, mystifying everyone with his dying word, "Alcohol."
ps this is based on Citizen Kane
I know this will come back to haunt me someday. I should have just
written an editor's note.
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;P HOW 2 DRIVE CARS .b
`q by Rickey Petersen p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
cars are hard driving so i write handy guide for you who want to
drive. Is mega tough happy guide and by the time u r finished you will drive
like happy racecar jeff gordin
dirving a car can take a lot of skill so my first rule is an easy
one: practice prcatice practice!!! The more you drive a car the better at
driving youll be so drive everywhere no matter how small a drive you want 2
take even if it is up thre street from your home
robots dont have to drive since they can fly
HOW 2 DRIVE
-----------
I) get in car: this is key cuz you cannot driver a car if u r outside of it
because your feet wont be abel to reach the petals
2) put key in car start car - this will start up mega power engine go! You
may feel a rumble in you're pants from the engine shakes this is normal do
not worry.
33) shifter: the car wont go when it is parked you have to unpark it for
driving so put the shift lever so that it points at S for "start" then you
can go but read the next step closely for now is when you are in harms way
for sure
iv.) push the gas pedel for going: the gas pedel is the tall skinny one on
the right that you push with your foot to make the car go
6) don't hit anythign!!: when you are moving you might move into something
else and this is what is known as a wreck. Don't wreck because you can hurt
peopel real bad with a big heavy car. If you have a small car wrecking is
more ok cuz you cant hurt much with it
7i) steer the car--- you uase the streering wheel 2 steer the car in any
direction, if you turn it a little the car goes mostly straight but a little
curved and if you turn it all the way you can spin around and around in
circles like my dog , Greenspan.
8 pick a place and go there-driving around with no place to go is for losers
and burnouts so don't drive unless your actually going someplace cool, don't
be a tough guy and ruin it for everyone else OK
ix) breaks-youuse breaks to stop the car when you are done driving, it is
the pedl that is next to the gas and when you press it with your foot the
car stops. See step 6 for why this is mega good super idea
10) you win your a very good driver! If u made it this far without exploding
you can drive a car like best drivers in the world, my dad and jefff gorden
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;P .5mm VS .7mm .b
`q by BMC p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Now I'm taking about .5mm mechanical pencil leads as opposed to the .7mm
variety (and when I say leads, I am fully aware that they are not actually
made of lead but of graphite, so fuck off). I mean no disrespect to either
type, but the .5mm is shit and sucks and if you work for the company that
makes these then I hope you die because your existence makes my life
miserable.
SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP
Do you know what that is? No, it's not me wishfully thinking of breaking
every bone in your body, it's the sound of someone trying to use a .5mm
lead. Even the most aenemic of us tend to break the leads with no more
pressure then the vibration of a pulse.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it is impossible for anybody with a
pulse to not break this second-rate gauge of lead diameter. In fact, to the
contrary, I'm saying is that is it only impossible to break these leads if
you attempt to write with them! Or, perhaps, if you drop the pencil or
breathe on it or look at it quickly or let the pencil be subjected to the
force of gravity. Other than that, this .5mm lead should last you forever,
something that a useful (and therefore used) lead could never offer!
In case you haven't caught my drift yet, due to my mixture of brutal honesty
and bitter irony, I'll say it straight out - I don't like these pencil
leads.
The only thing that does it for me is .7mm leads. Now that is a fine lead
(meaning excellent, not thin). Nice, thick lines, and the lead will never
break on you unless you're trying to use the pencil to carve your name into
a maple tree. Pine is fine. Did you hear that inadvertent and extremely
witty rhyme? That's something a .5mm pencil lead could never do.
I made a spelling mistake (now corrected) in the last sentence that read
".5 m pencil lead." Wow, can you imagine that? That would be a 50
centimetre pencil lead (20 inches for all you imperialists). That would be
a big pencil. I imagine the lead would be about 50 metres long (150 feet?)!
I'm sure that wouldn't snap... but what would I write with it? Oh I thought
of something. ".5mm pencil leads SUCK" for starters. Then, with the help
of some sort of heavy machinery like cranes and wheelbarrows and shit, I'd
write the story of my life across the perfectly rectangular sheet of land
that they call Saskatchewan. Then I would have accomplished everything I
had ever wanted to do. Then I could die peacefully/commit suicide/be
assassinated. It would be a great day in my life and I would have .5mm
pencil leads to thank for it all. But I wouldn't be thankful to those
shitty leads, I'd still hate them.
.7mm leads are better to use, but they cost more and that makes me sad. I
urge all .7mm lead producers to lower the price NOW. Make them free, and
while you're at it, abolish the .5m altogether.
Sincerely,
Fuck You
note - this story was originally drafted in a combination of .5mm and .7mm
leads
additional note - since the writing of this article I have decided that I
like .5mm leads better now. .7mm leads are too thick and messy.
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Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #162-07/15/01
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
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