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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 5 2
We Are the New International
April 29th, 2001
Editor: BMC
Writers:
Gnarly Wayne
BMC
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;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ A Play with Cats - Gnarly Wayne $
$ Things That I Am Afraid Of: Showers - BMC $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
(please do not read the following)
Well well well, what do we have here today?
-Two Articles.
Number One is a spectacular play written by Gnarly Wayne. This
journey into the consciousness of the cat is guaranteed to make you "laugh
and cry"(C), and you'll be screaming "auteur" for daze to come. As a side
note, I believe Gnarly Wayne wrote this play as a response to the disturbing
lack of cat roles in tv and theatre; this is a story by cats, for cats to
perform and for cats to enjoy. Wait a second. It's NOT by a cat! Gnarly
Wayne is actually a human! So this raises all kinds of questions about the
human appropriation of cat culture, but I won't get into that because I'm
not even sure where I would start. Look in future issues for a series of
journals criticizing the appropriation of cat culture, because I am certain
that they will be sent to us.
Article Number Two is part of something that I have working on, the
"Things That I Am Afraid Of" series. It is emotionally powerful and
"brutally honest"(C). I just hope it's scary enought for you and I mean
that from the bottom of my boogity shoop.
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;P A PLAY WITH CATS .b
`q by Gnarly Wayne p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Scene 1
(Fade in. Cat #1 and Cat #2 are lying on the grass of a national park.
Tiger #1 is just off to the left of stage, sleeping.)
Cat #1: Meow meow meow meow.
Cat #2: Meow meow meow purr. (winks at Cat #1)
Cat #1: Meow purrrr purrrr MeOw.
Cat #2: mrrph? eoooow.
(Tiger #1 wakes and saunters over to Cat #1 and #2)
Tiger #1: Roar roar roar roar meow.
Cat #1: MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW!
Cat #2: ack ack ack bluck. (chokes on rage. Hairball soon follows)
Tiger #1: ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR!
Cat #1: Meow meow melow meow meow.
Cat #2: pft pft pft. (claws at Tiger #1)
Tiger #1: Yip yip yip yip. (exits stage right)
Cat #1: purrr purrr purrr purrr. (cuddles up to Cat #2)
Cat #2: Jeah.
(Fade out. Audience applauds. Get paycheck.)
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;P THINGS THAT I AM AFRAID OF: SHOWERS .b
`q by BMC p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Showers - No, I'm not going to say that I'm afraid of them, but I'm
afraid of what comes immediately before and immediately after them. By this
I mean cold and hot water.
My first shower fear is that someone will leave the plunger (forgive
my ignorance - by "plunger" I am referring to the device on the tap that
regulates whether the water flows through the tap or through the shower
head) in the "up" position. This means that when I turn on the tap to test
the water I will instead find an ice-cold spray violating my naked and
vulnerable body. This will put me into a shock-like state, making my
arteries expand and not allowing enough blood to flow through my body.
Common symptoms are dizziness and nausea. This is a rare state that I
usually only enter due to electrical shock or suffering a serious physical
injury. My reflexes allow me to turn the water off immediately, but the
next few seconds are spend in agonizing torment, leaving me unable to think
anything but "Why?" and "Life can be terrible at times."
My biggest concern is that this could be avoided if people just
pushed the plunger down after they showered. I mean, entropy can cover
certain things, but if the plunger isn't going down then one shouldn't think
that gravity will eventually do the trick for them. Now don't get me wrong,
I know it is a freak occurrence when people do not put the plunger down
before when turning off the taps, but that makes the sub-zero hell all the
less predictable and more soul-damaging.
Now speaking of pushing the plunger down before turning the taps
off, I have recently learned that there are some people who do not always
follow the steps in this order (hence the occasional ice-cold-spray-
surprise). Recently, my landlord replaced the shower head. The thing never
worked since I moved in. It had no pressure and the only thing I can
compare it to is a bucket with a single hole punched in it. The other thing
is that the plunger would not go all the way up and even when the shower was
dripping the main faucet would be wildly spraying water all over my legs
and, strangely, the faucet water was always much hotter than the shower
water, always managing to scald my legs while the shower water was yet too
cold.
So here comes the landlord replacing the shower head and fixing this
plumbing problem, and when I come home there is a note saying that the new
shower head should "last for 10 to 20 years" (actual quote from note), and
something to the effect that I should not break it this tie or some equally
accusational comment. In his list of ways to not break the shower (this
time) was the instruction that I should always turn the water off before
pressing the plunger down!
Well I'll start out by saying that the new shower head works better
and makes showering a bearable experience and perhaps occasionally a
pleasurable one. The problem I have is with turning the water off before
cutting the flow to the shower. I mean, what if I accidentally shut off
most of the water except for a bit of cold? I would be frozen to death!
And what if I couldn't shut the hot off with a single twist of my wrist? I
would be boiled alive! I would be discovered in a burning, bubbling melted
pile of flesh. It would be gruesome, but that's not what I am worried about
here - listen - it would mean a painful and excruciating experience much
like that which is experienced when the plunger is left on when I turn the
taps on and I get sprayed by AHHHHHHHHHH
So I think I might just start taking baths instead, but I'm not sure
about this one yet - I'll update this report as I get more information.
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Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #152-04/29/01
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
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