Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
The Neo-Comintern 144
___________ __ _______
\__ ___/| |__ ____ \ \ ____ ____
| | | | \_/ __ \ / | \_/ __ \/ _ \ ______
| | | Y \ ___/ / | \ ___( <_> ) /_____/
|____| |___| /\___ > \____|__ /\___ >____/
\/ \/ \/ \/
_________ __ __
\_ ___ \ ____ _____ |__| _____/ |_ ___________ ____
/ \ \/ / _ \ / \| |/ \ __\/ __ \_ __ \/ \
\ \___( <_> ) Y Y \ | | \ | \ ___/| | \/ | \
\______ /\____/|__|_| /__|___| /__| \___ >__| |___| /
\/ \/ \/ \/ \/
.......... ......... ........ ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. . . . .
. . . . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... ..........
t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 4 4
We Are the New International
March 4th, 2001
Editor: BMC
Writers:
Gloomchen
Heckat
Margarina Cataclysma
Gnarly Wayne
BMC
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ Bones - Gloomchen $
$ The Age of Darkness - Heckat $
$ Dinosaurs Will Die - Margarina Cataclysma $
$ Dina-Tiny - Gnarly Wayne $
$ Dinostaury - BMC $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
(please do not read the following)
_____
/ \
_____/ 0 \__ "Dinosaur with Knife-Hand"
/ \/ this mean dinosaur
/_ \ was drawn by mean Gnarly Wayne
\/\/\/ \__ for this mean dinosaur-issue
GRRRRRRAR!!- _/\/\/\ \/
\______ \
\ \__ I have also been informed that he's
\ \/ thinking "I'm gonna shank ya."
\ / / \
____|\____\____/ / \__ /\
<____||__________/ \/ / \
|/ \ \__ / /
\ \/ / /
\ \ / /
\ \__________/ /
\ /
\ _______________/
/ \
/ /\ \ Enjoy
/ / \ \
/ / \ \
__/ / __\ \
/ / / / / / / /
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P BONES .b
`q by Gloomchen p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
I saw on TV that there is this place where you can go. It is inside and
it's a big open room and there are giant dinosaur bones in it! And well I
don't know if you can touch them or not because I couldn't tell from the
TV. There were ropes but I don't know if that's to keep people out or if
it's a line for you to go up and ride the bones.
Well well I told Dad that I wanted to go see the bones. See this boy at
school Boris he says that dinosaurs are for boys and kittens are for girls.
Well I like kittens but I want dinosaurs too. He says that dinosaurs will
eat my kittens. I don't want a dinosaur to eat my kittens but I still want
a dinosaur. Boris is stupid. I want to go touch the dinosaur bones.
I wonder if dogs try to sneak into the big room to chew on the bones. My
neighbor Andrea has a dog but he doesn't like bones. But most dogs like
bones I think. Her dog is just a weird dog or something. His name is
Fred. What a dumb name for a dog. If I had a dog, I would name him "Bark"
because that's what dogs do. They bark. That would be funny.
So anyway my daddy told me that if I was good and ate all of my vegetables
and cleaned my room that I could go see the dinosaurs. Well I like
vegetables a lot so that part was easy. I am just happy he didn't want me
to eat all of my steak because steak is icky and hard to chew up. My room
was kinda messy but I just shoved everything under my bed. Nobody will
know! I'm good at tricking Dad like that. 'Cuz he will take me to see the
dinosaurs.
Well the day that we went, boy was I prepared to go! I wore my khaki shorts
so that I could look like I was on a safari. And I wore my pink and purple
striped shirt because those are my favorite colors. And I wore my shoes
that have pointy toes like Mom's shoes. I was full of excitement. Just
imagine, I was going to go see some dinosaur bones, just like they showed on
TV! That would be so cool.
Daddy packed me up in the car and we drove off. On the way there I saw some
sheeps and some horsies and some cows (MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) and I saw a guy
who was begging for money. I bet he smells funny. But I didn't try to go
out and smell him. I wish Dad would have let me go out and play with the
sheeps and horsies though. I would play with cows too but they aren't much
fun. This is what cows do: they MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO all day long and stand
there. They even sleep standing up. Unless you push them over. Then they
lay down and sleep.
Okay so we were at the big place with the dinosaurs! And Daddy paid my way
inside and I ran in and WHOOOOOOOOOOA there were bones everywhere. I was
sad because they wouldn't let me ride the bones. But they were big and
scary dinosaurs anyway, they weren't cute little dinosaurs. But they
wouldn't eat my kittens, I can tell. Kittens would be like eating a piece
of popcorn. So why would they eat kittens?
There was some other stuff in the big room and in other rooms like big
broken airplanes and stuff but it was all really boring so I cried and cried
until Daddy bought me some little toy dinosaur bones and we went home. I
was so happy to have my very own bones! Stupid Boris, I'd show him that
girls could have bones, too.
*********SSSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLURP*********
Ick! Then I woke up because Growl licked me in the face! It was all just a
dream. I didn't see any bones at all. I didn't have any kittens, either.
I just had Growl, my big pet Micropachycephalosaurus. Hahahaha, what a dumb
dream. Why would anyone want to go pay money just to see some stupid
DINOSAUR bones?
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P THE AGE OF DARKNESS .b
`q by Heckat p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Well, let me see, once there were dinosaurs and those dinosaurs ate human
meat and drank kitty blood and had a blast. The planet earth was their
metaphorical shang-gri-la, or perhaps their literal shang-gri-la, I'm not
sure.
At any rate, the party was soon over because the world grew cold and dark.
Some say this period of coldness and darkness can be attributed to an
asteroid striking the earth, but I happen to know the truth. In fact, there
was no asteroid in the earth's distant past; it was the sun itself that
refused to shine.
You see, there was a period in the sun's life when it became self-conscious
about being so bright and all. I mean, the only planet it could really see
from its position in the solar system was Mercury - and you know what a
festival of melt they've got going on there. Well, ok, not melt, but that
metal planet is one hot potato and nothing can live on it. So this is what
the sun could see and it felt bad - you could say that it was guilt-ridden,
but perhaps that is unrealistic because, I mean, this is the sun we're
talking about and ultimately it's inanimate and inanimate objects are
incapable of guilt. But, anyway, the sun could not see that there was a
planet earth out there with perfectly happy bloodthirsty dinosaurs on it
THRIVING.
So, the result of the sun feeling bad about Mercury was that it decided to
get a new set of clothes. Unlike the emperor's new clothes, however, these
were not invisible and they blocked off all the possible light from the sun
to its orbiting planets. (And no, I don't know where these clothes came
from - let's just say God gave them to the sun and this was the sun's
metaphorical fall and the clothes its metaphorical leaf).
So, the sun lived like this for a few hundred years and was fairly happy;
well it wasn't happy because the clothes really were hot and itchy but it
was satisfied that it was not doing any more harm to the sweet little planet
M. Mercury loved this period of time and it began to cool down and it was
only a few thousand million years away from sprouting life of its own. But
then came that day when God stopped laughing at the hilarious joke (hee hee
look ha at heeeeee that ooooooo sun ahhhhh haa wearing yuk yuk clothes!) and
s/he came to tell the sun about its obligation to the universe. The sun
learned about the other planets besides Mercury who were really
deteriorating because of the loss of its rays (in fact, the dinosaurs on
earth were already dead). When the sun was still uncertain of the necessity
of its warmth and light, God told it about Pluto and at the news of that
cold, lonely, unloved satellite, the sun shed a single tear, ripped off its
supersonic-resistant clothing and shone brighter than ever.
Epilogue: Because of the sun's determination to be the very best
giver-of-life in the universe, humans sprung up and flourished on Gaea. As
for Mercury, however, it never did sprout life and it never did forgive the
sun either. But, sadly, what could it do? Well.........nothing.
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P DINOSAURS WILL DIE .b
`q by Margarina Cataclysma p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
One year I was really anxious for summer. At that time I was very small,
and my fur was not very fur-like. I was about the size of a mouse, and I
had scales. I lived in a lovely blue house with my friend Alexandrine. But
in the winter, as you all know, the colour of one's house is diminished by
the misery- that is, by winter itself.
This was, as you might anticipate, a very disturbing time for Alexandrine
and I. I was testy, Alexandrine was a sheer bitch.
I was making toast one morning and Alexandrine hit me on the head with her
frying pan. I had stepped on her tail, ruffled her feathers. Right then
and there we decided that in order to resolve our communal differences, we
had to get rid of winter.
Alexandrine put the circle rock into the lub-pot. I swished it around with
my third claw while clacking my hindlegs together. Alexandrine made a lovely
song by rubbing her forelegs against her mandibles. The sky turned pink. I
swallowed the fish. We both collapsed in a swoon.
Then we got up and ate our eggs and toast.
The next morning Alexandrine had opposable thumbs. I had funny feelings
where my arse-end had used to be. Alexandrine said I had a walnut up me
arse. Then I stood up on me hindlegs and chomped on her head. Accidentally I
swallowed her. She slithered down my long esophagus into my cavernous belly.
That's when I noticed that I was big. My arms were really short, too, cause
I tried to scratch my head in bewilderment but could not. It occurred to me
that I'd have noone to play scrabble with and noone to screen my calls for
me when I wasn't in the mood for gab.
So I mixed up a batch of greasy laxative and subsequently shat Alexandrine
out. She looked totally different afterward. Her feathers had all fallen out
and her beautiful head-plume was scraggly and wilted. She looked like a
bipedal chihuahua, only different.
I took Alexandrine outside to rest her in the shade of a lovely fern. She
coughed. I figured she was going to die. I was tempted to bite her head off
and told her so, but she hit me with some argument re: free will vs.
determinism. So I left her there because she bored me.
The walnut up my butt seemed to give me lots of energy. Also I was very
curious about the innocent herd of sheep over yonder. So I went over there
real fast and ate all of them except the daddy, cause he reamed me pretty
good. Then I died, and the ram shat on me and I petrified and Alexandrine
didn't find my body for a couple more years.
The end.
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P DINA-TINY .b
`q by Gnarly Wayne p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
In the time of dinosaurs, when dinosaurs existed, there was a motley crew
of dinosaurs. Theo, Frankie Bee, Shi Ci En Tou, and Larry were all
stegasarous and all delicious. They were on the local high school football
team. They all had fairly good marks in school and cute, loving girlfriends.
And.... they did drugs.
Yes, they did drugs. Theo got them all hooked one night when Theo invited
them over to play Nintendo, but when they reached for the controller, it
was a big bong instead.
Theo said "Caaaaammmmmmmeeeeee oooonnnnnn! Just do it!" and his gave them
his best Bob Barker smile.
Frankie Bee, whom rolls like Gee, said "OK, but only 15 hoots and then we're
gone. Get it, sweeeeeeeetness!"
Theo giggled before saying "Jeeeaaaaahhh."
So, BAM! The dinosaurs were soon soaring with the Pterydactal, way up
hiiigh. Wow. I am so with them.
Pretty Sue, who was dating Theo, came over to the spot.
"Theo!" she said, "Aren't you suppose to be at work?"
"Uhhhh.... yeah, but I got off an hour early just to be with you," replied
Theo.
"It's only an hour though," said Pretty Sue.
"An extra hour with you is like an extra 60 minutes," charmed Theo.
"Awwww..." said Pretty Sue and she gave Theo a peck on the cheek.
Since the measurement of time had not been invented yet, Pretty Sue
was confused by the words she had spoken and heard. Theo was equally
confused however, so it evens out.
They asked Pretty Sue, forced really, to take some drugs. They wanted to
see what an O.D. looked like. I think they really were wanting to see an
O.G., but I wouldn't be born for another few million years.
So as they were wandering the neighborhood, they noticed that the clouds
were starting to turn to rocks. They quickly tried to warn the other
dinosaurs but the only response they got was, "Yeah, whatever, you drug
taking dinosaur." Nobody listened to the group and so all the clouds turned
to stone and fell unto the earth, and killed all the dinosaurs.
"And that's how the dinosaurs became extinct," said Grandpa.
"That story sounded made up and sucked shit anyhow," said the children.
"Fuck that noise!" screeched Gramps.
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P DINOSTAURY .b
`q by BMC p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** DISCLAIMER - This is the biggest piece of shit I have ever written **
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
...so that's when Gustav Frohlich slides me an ace... a real wildcard, you
know? And I'm like... shit!
You know what I mean? But that's one story and here is another.
So I looked out my window, right? And there is this dinosaur chasing after
this human being... I won't get into names yet, but trust me this one is
important. The dinosaur is looking at the human and then the human looks
at the dinosaur and both of them know that the human is going to get eaten.
So I'm here in my kitchen... just chopping onions for supper, right? And
then I look out again cause the window is open so the onion fumes don't get
to me and whatnot... and then I glance down to make sure I'm cutting the
onions (and not myself) up... and the next time I look up there's the
dinosaur running and the human is giving it her best but shit... the
dinosaur is, like, a hundred times faster and if this human doesn't get
under a rock or in a small cave or something she's fucked. I hate this.
I've said it a million times... dinosaurs have no right to eat humans...
they never have, they never did, and they never should. But here we go...
and guess where we're going... the human doesn't get away and there's that
dinosaur eating the fuck out of it. Oh, by the way, I'm John Growls, a
tyrannosaurus... and that was my brother, Moxie... the one who just ate that
human.
* * *
the year was about 1300 or so, and the manjesus decided that it was as good
a time as any other to create the Earth. As a result came a big ball of
fire (which immediately cooled off into a ball of soil and vegetation with a
troposphere and a bunch of iron and magma in the middle of it.
There were also lots of human beings and dinosaurs and they were all hanging
out in caves and none of them knew each other or what anyone (including
themselves) was doing, but some of them were starting to make plans. Though
this is the norm in our world, it was outrageous back in... umm,,, the
1300's? There were also a bunch of other creatures that existed but were
not important to this story so I will not mention them but to say that they
existed.
The only important people in this story are humans and dinosaurs, and there
was also one young brave named John Growls. He was half dino, half human.
The humans referred to him as Big Big John and the dinosaurs referred to him
as Dino-Mite. Sir John Growls wasn't accepted by dinos or humans, and his
being of mixed descent was only part of this. He was also a philosopher
(note: any philosopher at that time was considered to be in league with
creatures from the beyond) and him and his brother Moxie would go around and
philosophize wildly until nobody could stand it anymore. They openly
berated John Growls and Moxie because they seemed evil and did not make
their own plans for acquiring wealth. The people demanded that if the
brothers did not join the race for survival of the fittest that they must
then instead come up with a set of rules in which way society would be run
to ensure justice.
The brothers went to work on this project, thinking about the attributes of
the humans and the dinosaurs. One group was more cunning, the other was
stronger. Needless to say, since each group had different attributes, one
would be able to become more successful than the other, but it was still not
known whether the humans would be able to outwit the dinosaurs and survive
or if the dinosaurs would simply destroy and conquer the humans. The
brothers thought long and hard about this, and in a month's time they got
everyone to gather together in a common meeting place where the brothers
would address them with their valuable information about how a society
should be run.
John Growls went first. He told all of the dinosaurs and humans to stand
together, and when they were close to each other he produced a large cloth
and cast it over all of their heads.
"There," he said, "now none of you can tell whether you are humans or
dinosaurs." It was true. The dinosaurs and humans couldn't see themselves
and nobody knew which they were.
"Now listen," said Growls, "you all know that dinosaurs are stronger and
that they can and will kill the humans if they get the chance to, right?
Well here's the thing. Now you don't know whether you are a dinosaur or a
human anymore. So here is the question... without knowing whether you are
the predator or the prey, would you rather have a society where the
dinosaurs are allowed to kill humans or a society where humans and dinosaurs
live together in harmony and work together to achieve collective goals?"
The people were frightened. None of them knew if they were dinosaurs or
humans, and they didn't want to risk creating a society where the gigantic
dominating reptiles feasted on the bloody, tender, delicious flesh. What if
the flesh was their own? It didn't matter how good human flesh tasted, it
just wasn't worth taking that risk in case one happened to be the dinner
instead of the one who dined. With this in mind, everyone opted for an
egalitarian society. The humans and dinosaurs would live in peace with each
other!
But then it was Moxie's turn to speak. He asked the same question.
"Would you rather have a society where the dinosaurs are allowed to kill
humans or a society where humans and dinosaurs live together in harmony and
work together to achieve collective goals?" But as he did this he lifted
the veil from the heads of the humans and dinosaurs. This time there were
no spoken words of agreement, only the sound of flesh being torn, bones
breaking, and screams.
And that's the story of how the humans became extinct.
* * *
So one time I was writing this story and it just wouldn't quit. Nah, I'm
just bullshittin ya. Heh.
Yours Truly,
Moxie
.d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.
___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 |
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
.d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.
Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #144-03/04/01
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.
