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The Neo-Comintern 139
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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 3 9
We Are the New International
January 28th, 2001
Editor: BMC
Writers:
Bu Joe
Junior Haagis
Cog
Gnarly Wayne
BMC
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;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ The Dead Sea vs The Black Sea - Bu Joe $
$ And God Made Deadly The Waters - Junior Haagis $
$ Half an Ass of Dead Sea - Cog $
$ Seas and Hustlers - Gnarly Wayne $
$ Everything I Ever Needed to Know... - BMC $
`q p'
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WELCOME TO OUR
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;P THE DEAD SEA VS THE BLACK SEA .b
`q by Bu Joe p'
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If you were to look at a map today you would see that the Dead Sea is quite
small, unlike the Black Sea which is huge. What the map won't tell you is
that at one point the Dead Sea was called the Live Sea and was a very large
sea and the black sea was about half of its size today.
The Live Sea and the Mediterranean Sea were married and had one child the
Sea of Galilee. Well any way, Mediterranean Sea and Live Sea met at a Red
Lobster one night and hit off, next thing you know they were married and had
a child.
The Black Sea and the Caspian Sea just ended a long relationship and the
Black Sea was looking to score, so it devised a plan. The plan was to get
Mediterranean Sea drunk and then make sea babies with it. When the Live Sea
found out about these plans it was very mad and started to attack the Black
Sea with all of its might. The battle lasted for 14 days and 14 nights and
on the tenth day Jesus came down and then went back up, the battle continued
for another 4 days.
The waves were 60-70 feet high, water splashing, wind blowing it was utter
chaos. It was the war of the seas, two grunts fighting for the hand of the
Mediterranean Sea. The waves took the shape of faces, axes, swords, large
hands and the occasional fruit basket and large hands. It was quite a show,
but sadly the hometown favorite Live Sea wasn't doing as well as we all hoped
and was losing this battle to Black Sea. In a desperate attack the Live sea
shot all of its water at the Black Sea hoping to drown it. Unfortunately,
the Live Sea forgot that you can't drown a sea and lost almost all of its
water and slowly died and became the Dead Sea. After Live Sea died
Mediterranean Sea started drinking and got addicted to crack.
Live Seas funeral was held in the nearest ocean, and all the oceans seas and
lakes started to cry, then the cake arrived and they cheered up. So now you
know the story of the Dead Sea.
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;P AND GOD MADE DEADLY THE WATERS .b
`q by Junior Haagis p'
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When BMC asked me to pen this article, it immediately reminded me of a
Biblical bedtime fable that Tol used to tell me when he first infested my
head.
Once upon a time, long long ago, there was a young Bedouin boy who lived at
the North shore of a vast sea in the land of Jordon. He would scavenge for
large rocks that he would feed to his mule pack to fatten them up for
market. One day, the fattest of the boy's mules surely seemed as though it
would snuff-it, when it wandered into the sea to drink of it's clear,
unfettered waters, fell over, and sank into sea. Upset about losing his
prize animal, the young Bedouin boy dove in after it, hoping to save the
mule before it was gone for good.
The boy swam and swam to retrieve his beloved creature. Always it was out of
reach as it sank faster and faster from site until it hit the distant bottom
with a thunderous impact. As hard as he tried, the boy could not lift the
heavey mule filled with stones to the surface. The boy then attempted to
have the mule upheave the stones. Performing a makeshift Heimlich, he goosed
it with a blow of his cattle staff. But only did this cause the mule to kick
his master's face, whilst steadily did it drown to death.
Finally, the boy , with his last breaths, prayed to Yahweh on high to save
his mule. As it was the olden times, God had not gone deaf yet. So hearing
the boy's cries from below under the sea, he didst fill the vast sea with a
blanket of salt, that filled the beast of burden with a salt-water ipecac,
that allowed the mule to upheave the stones that held it in place, and made
it able to return to the surface.
The young Bedouin, ever grateful for saving his mule, offered it as a
sacrifice to God who gobbled it up like the bitter end of an ogre. In
turn, the sea was so filled with salt that no life ever returned to it
ever again. And to this day, the decendants of that young Bedouin boy
offer affordable package tours to the sites where God made deadly the
waters. And it is said that nearly all the tourists on these excursions are
miraculously blessed with the rare gift of dysentery.
THE END
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;P HALF AN ASS OF DEAD SEA .b
`q by Cog p'
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What more can be said about The Dead Sea? Well, it makes for a shitty topic
would be a point I would place at the top of my list. What fucking premise
would show itself anywhere near this salty asshole of a pond?
I've been playing around with a few ideas, but we decided to part company
and now they're hanging out with someone else. I was toying with the notion
of pulling a Hunter S. Thompson...give it a half-assed try, then go get high
and write about THAT -- and blow the company expense account in the process.
But The Neo-Comintern HAS no expense account, so that impulse was nipped in
the bud, to coin a phrase.
In the end, however, BMC took me away
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;P SEAS AND HUSTLERS .b
`q by Gnarly Wayne p'
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One day, BMC forced me on a tour of the Dead Sea, or Ol' Dead as he
idiotically kept referring to it as. I wanted to go to the Red Sea, but
seeing as how I picked the location for our first honeymoon, I let him have
this one. We bought a war galleon and set sail. BMC reminded me that all the
seas are connected in some way so we were kinda in the Red Sea. I told him
to shove it up his ass. He smiled, like he was completely oblivious to the
fact that I just insulted him. Oh well, I didn't marry him for his brains,
unless I need a brain transplant in the future. Which, I just realized,
would not make a lick of sense because then it would just be him in my body.
And my body is way too fine to be subject to what he does to his body.
*shivers*
BMC was already half way through reading his novel to me, but I wasn't
paying attention, as usual. It was some scene with a guy that was both
wearing pants and not wearing pants. He stopped in mid-speech and glanced
at me. I gave him a sickening smile, which he enthusiasticlly took to mean
to continue. I got up and left, leaving the ripped cardboard cutout of me in
my place like I had done so many times before. I went out onto desk to watch
the pirates and crew battle for awhile, but I soon became weary with boredom.
BMC would not be done for another couple hours, so I took to conversing with
the Dead Sea, the most boring of all seas. It started telling me about this
story about a man who was both wearing pants and not wearing pants at the
same time. I sighed and left the sea to its babbling. I went down to the
arcade to play a smashing game of Bust-a-Move 2. Deeply engrossed in my game,
I crashed out of the zone when I heard a tapping at the porthole.
It was the Dead Sea. I heaved another sigh and went and opened the portal.
"Yes, Dead Sea, what is it?", I inquired.
"Please, call me Ol' Dead", the Dead Sea requested.
"No.", I answered.
"uhhhh...yes...you see... dead..", babbled the Dead Sea.
"What do you WANT, Sea?!", I ordered.
"I sense that you are unhappy with this arrangement.", noted the Dead Sea.
"Well, you're no Red Sea, that's for sure.", I quipped.
"I will NOT get angry... I will NOT get angry.... I WILL GET ANGRY!",
exploded the Dead Sea. "You've sailed your last sea, landlubber!".
"Good one, Sea. Now get lost.", I spoke as I slammed the porthole shut.
I clammered back up onto deck onto to see a huge wave arising behind the
ship. Facing me, with the head of the cardboard cutout in his hand, was the
BMC, with streams down his face that could have been tears or just the sea
mist.
"Why? .. . WHY?!?!?", bellowed the BMC, eyes shut and fists clenched,
as he screamed towards the heavens.
"Because that story was boring and I'm way too selfish to stay around and
listen.", I replied.
"Oh jeah. Hey, Wang, let's get out of the way of that giant wave.", ideaed
the BMC.
"And how do you recommend we do that?", I questioned.
"Uhhh... dodge?"
"Can't, we are stuck in a boat."
"Uhhh... shoot it?"
"Wouldn't work. It's water."
"Uhhh... run away?"
"Once again, stuck on a boat."
"Uhhh... parry?"
"With that?"
"Uhhh... shoot it?"
"You said that already."
"Uhh... challenge it to a game of Boloz, winner take all?"
"BMC, you are a GENIUS!", I said as I pecked him on the forehead and
slapped his ass real hard.
"Dead Sea.... STOP! We challenge you to a sudden death match of Boloz...
winner take all!", I challenged the Dead Sea.
The heaving wave stopped... sat a second... stroked its beard... and said
"I accept. Except I shall choose the game!", terrispoke the Dead Sea.
BMC and I glanced at each other. Out of all the games in the world, we
are good at about 7 of them, and they are all really obscure ones, except
for Boloz of course.
"The game shall be........ RAPBLORD!", sang the Dead Sea.
"But I programmed that...", I started to speak until BMC slapped me
fifteen times across the face and whispered "Shut up, you idiot."
We booted up the SupppererBrraaiaaiaaian and loaded up the 5-D ANSi,
Emmy award winning, multiplayer networked version of RapBlord. We started
trading rhymes and mics back and forth. Years of intense competetion went by
(ha ha.. game years, not real years stupid!). BMC and I knew the secret lay
in travelling just between Massey and South Central, because it was only
$25 for the trip, ESSENTIAL to building money at the beginning. While Dead
Sea was still trading Remix and Lyrics, BMC and I were already high rolling,
pushing EmCees and DeeJays to all the bassheads of the RapBlord world.
Not surprisingly, BMC and I got the secret hidden end boss stage bonus round
ranking of Johnny Cocaine, while Dead Sea was stuck with a Mr. Lee rating.
"Well, well, Dead Sea... seems you lose. Winner takes all, I believe was
the bet.", I sneered to the Dead Sea.
"Yes, even though I thought victory would easily be mine, you have
defeated ME, the RapBlord champion of all the Dead Sea.", whimpered the Dead
Sea.
"Yes, well, now get into this hot water bottle. We're going home.", I
commanded.
Back at our palace in Massey, I glanced at BMC while putting the hot
water bottle up on our mantle.
"Best honeymoon ever.", I said.
"Best honeymoon eve... oh.", said BMC.
We both giggled and rolled around on the floor until we both died of
asphyxiation.
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;P EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW... .b
`q by BMC p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Everything I ever needed to know about anything I learned from everything
(except peeling an orange, that was trial and error)
I had a dream that I was playing a pinball game and it was called zombie
pinball and Junior was standing beside me and he seemed to be enjoying it
even more than I was which was actually no feat because I didn't enjoy it
very much at all. I wondered what the purpose of the game was. I would
have asked Junior Haagis, but I knew he wouldn't have heard me or responded
to me; he just stood there, smiling.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
I think this is what a molecule does.
My biology professor gave us this chart:
Sun: the sun: photosynthesis: respiration
Primary consumer: green plants
Primary consumer: herbivores
Secondary consumer: carnivores
Tertiary consumer: omnivores
:and I said /what about milk and eggs? Where does that fit in?/ professor
said \that is secondary consumption\ Then the professor said \another name
for primary consumer is vegetarian\ the next time I saw him I said /if
only primary consumers are vegetarians and all mammals drink milk at birth
does that mean that there are no mammals that are vegetarians?/ the
professor said \this chart isn't good in all ways because the natural world
can not be put into mathematical terms in the same way that... mathematical
terms can\ so now I don't know if I am a vegetarian or not
Everything I ever needed to know I learned from you.
You're brilliant and honest and a bit conceited and I don't hardly know you.
I took that bag of pretzels and I'm not even a right winger... or am I?
I had on a time a dream that I had that I had fell out of my bed and though
I woke up as this dream occurred I awoke to find that I fell from bed in
reality as well. When I fell back asleep I realized that I was no longer
falling from bed in my dream either. From this I conclude that there is no
difference between the real world and the dream world.
Oh my god he brings back clean fresh white expensive babies.
A PLAY I WILL NEVER FINISH.txt
[Scene 2 - Titania and Oberon's apartment]
[Titania enters, dressed in fast food uniform]
Titania - What are you doing?
Oberon - [turning computer monitor off hastily, adjusting pants] Umm... I
don't know. Chatting and stuff, I guess.
Titania - What kind of stuff? Looking for jobs? Let me guess... no?
Oberon - I'm looking... just not today... I think I'm getting a cold.
Titania - Yeah and I think you might be getting a new apartment too!
Oberon - Aww, Titania... be nice...
Titania - Me? Be nice to you? I swear you used to have ambition.
Oberon - I still do!
Titania - Oberon, you haven't even put pants on today!
Oberon - Uhh... yeah, well that's the thing...
Titania - The thing about what?
Oberon - well... I was cutting a pair of jeans into shorts today and the
legs were mismatched... so I cut one shorter, then after the
adjustment the other one was shorter, so I kept doing it, and
before I knew it I had cut up every pair of pants in my wardrobe.
Titania - That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Please tell me it
was sarcasm.
Oberon - Well there's the pile of shredded rags over there if you need
proof of some kind.
Titania - Listen, why don't you fix them using magic or something?
Oberon - I wasted all of my magic looking for porn today... oops, I mean
looking for jobs online...
(the only problem with this scene is that Oberon is both wearing and not
wearing pants simultaneously)
Everything I know is a bunch of bullshit.
Well, except for the good stuff.
I had a dream that I was sailing the dead sea in a canoe and the water was
speaking to me but only the choppy areas knew English. At the risk of
death I braved the harshest parts and when I did the Dead Sea requested <--.
that a special N-Com issue be dedicated to it. Who am I to say no? You |
can't keep a secret from The Dead Sea (or Ol' Dead, as it requested that I |
call it). |
|
ChAINSAW sound- Supposed to sound like a car, but doesn't. |
|
O/0: where babies are made |
I/1: how they get there |
Sorry, this is what this article is about. |
Oops... go back ------------------------------------------------------------'
It's a "Tribute to The Dead Sea."
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 |
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #139-01/28/01
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.
