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The Neo-Comintern 118
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888 888 888 888 , the weekly capitalist electronic magazine $$
888 888 888 "YeeP" "fucking the world slowly and painfully" $$
installment number 118 $$
August 16th, 2000 $$
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Editor: The Capitalism Monster
Writer/Slave: BMC
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Featured in this installment
Life changing experience leaves man with new dream- BMC
Ask an expert: Nationalism- BMC
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MONSTER'S NOTE
"Another day, another dollar."
That's what my dad always used to say to me.
I always wanted to be like my dad, even though I was a girl and
people thought I should be more feminine and take after my mother. My
mother did silly things though, like taking care of children and
volunteering at charity functions and things - all a waste of time as far as
I was, and am, concerned. No, I wanted to be like dad and learn the ways of
the mighty business world.
I used to sit in the corner of his office and watch the workings of
his major corporation - well, it seemed major at the time. Of course, I
learned the ways of capitalism all too well by observing the powerful men
who my dad did business with and by early my adulthood, I had constructed my
own empire and bought out dear old dad. Don't worry though, he got enough
money in the deal to set himself and my mother up in a moderately
comfortable retirement home and I trust that they're still happy there
today.
"Another day, another billion."
That's what I'll say to my kids, if I ever decide to have some
brats. Might as well think big as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to
hear any nonsense from my children such as "You look better than money in
the bank." No, you can bet top dollar that I'm going to teach them that no
relationship, no matter how good it is, can ever be better than financial
largess. Yes, I learned all this the day I waved goodbye to my parents for
the last time and left them weeping with joy outside the old-folks
residence. That was the day I laughed all the way to the bank.
It might be true that some people must wait until death to become
property owners. I've known a few poor who finally "bought the farm" after
a life of agonizing struggle due to sheer stupidity or laziness. But
deferred rewards never interested me and so I've gotten to where I am today
by taking what I want - NOW! Carpe Diem my friends, that's an idea you can
bank on. Instead of a mere copper penny, your thoughts might be worth
vaults of gold bars.
You see, I like to believe that everybody has an equal chance at
fortune; this country was built on men who worked their way up from the
bottom - pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps, if you will. I also
believe, however, that if you're too slothful to go out there and get a
piece of the pie for yourself, it isn't the responsibility of myself, and
other success stories like me, to ensure that you have enough to eat, proper
clothing, decent shelter or healthcare. All I can suggest to those who feel
I owe them a living is, "Perhaps, for you, prosperity WILL just have to wait
until death."
Now that we've got all that out of the way, let's get down to this
week's installment of The Weekly Capitalist. These articles remind me that
public washrooms are for the low (good custodial help is so hard to find and
sanitary public washrooms even harder) and to be thankful for this wonderful
country in which we all live. Finally, a magazine that is both
entertaining and informative.
How Capital!
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We need more money, so go to the Sons of Prozac page again
<http://mp3.com/sonsofprozac> and download all of their songs again.
Alternatively, if you didn't download them the first time then please do it
now. As a result of this we will be able to provide you with higher quality
and more arrogant articles from the Weekly Capitalist. Now there is a dream
turned to reality if I have ever heard of one! Remember, you owe us, so
download those mp3s and keep us rich!
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LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE LEAVES MAN WITH NEW DREAM
by BMC
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Understatement: Something special happened today.
Understatement: Something amazing happened today!
Understatement: I had a life changing experience today.
I had the washroom all to myself today.
At the place where I have to work there are four other men on my
floor. (One of them has a washroom in his office but I won't reveal that
detail right away because it might make my story sound less amazing.)
Anyway, for certain reasons that I will explain later, I have to share a
washroom with three other guys at work and at least once a day I bump into
one of them in there. For instance, I may be sitting on the can after
eating some burritos and fire sauce and someone will come in to fix their
hair. Because of this, I will have to sit there motionless for three
minutes for fear of what outerworldly sounds my body may produce in the
company of one of three co-workers.
Anyway, the point is that when I am in the washroom I have to be
careful because someone could walk in at any second. That is the one
negative aspect of it. There are many positive ones though. One is that
the seat of the toilet is quite possibly the most comfortable one ever made.
It is like sitting on the throne of god. Well, god's throne is ALMOST as
comfortable. I tell you, nothing outdoes this seat. The other cool thing
is that when I flush the toilet it is really loud and comparable to opening
a window in an airplane. It's that loud.
I know that you are undoubtedly amazed by this wonderful bathroom
already but I must say, there's more to it than just the toilet. On the
floor, there are four different colours of tiles that provide me with
amusement when I try to find secret patterns within their design. I have
found a couple dozen so far, and I'm sure I will find more in the future.
Oh, and here's another plus, the washroom is across the hallway from the
offices so even if I were to explode in there it wouldn't make a difference,
'cause just like outer space - nobody can hear you.
Oh, there's more, like the awesome-smelling soap by the sink, the
two mirrors at different angles (so I can admire myself from a variety of
vantages), and the world's greatest paper towels. But I won't get too far
into that, other than to say that I love it all.
Now all these things, while wonderful, are not really all that
important. The important thing is that today I had the washroom all to
myself! Yes, it's true - two guys are on vacation and the other one is on
an out-of-town assignment! When I realized this, my mind boiled over with
possibilities but I knew that eight short hours weren't enough to fulfill
them all.
The first time I went to the washroom I looked around and realized
that nobody would be interrupting me. I made my lifelong dream become
reality by pissing in the garbage can.
A couple of hours later I had printed off about 100k of text files
and I fanned them out on the floor all around the toilet and had a
leisurely read for about 65 minutes.
Later in the day I took some pornography, in rare ASCII format, to
the washroom and proceeded to stroke off to it. This is something I do
everyday, but today was different because I did it while sitting in the
sink.
I wiped off my chin and went back to my office. My boss came in and
asked me what I had been doing all day. I explained to her that though I
had done no actual work, I had taken full advantage of the empty washroom,
achieved some things I had been dreaming of since early childhood, and left
the janitor a few surprises. The irony of it all is that I didn't get
fired, suspended, or even berated for my actions. I was commended for being
a shining example of capitalism. I was confused by this for awhile, but
then I thought about the guy with a washroom in his office and I hoped that
someday I could do all of my work from the can. The Fonz had it all figured
out.
You may read this article and think of the phrase "potty humour."
Ironic indeed, because when I was writing it I was thinking of the phrase
"lowest common denominator."
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ASK AN EXPERT: NATIONALISM
by BMC
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"BMC, what do you think about the state of affairs in this country?"
-Dr. Y. H. Gabriel
Hey just face it, our country is the best. We'd be stupid to think that
there is anyplace in the world that is as good or better. Look at our
neighbouring country for example. Not only do we have a better culture than
them, but we could whip their ass at our national sport any day. Sure they
could beat us at theirs, but only pussies play that sport anyway.
Have you ever noticed that we have the best looking women? Of course we do,
they are gorgeous and also more intelligent than girls in other countries.
Plus we treat them better because they have lots of rights but still they
aren't expected to act in the strange ways that the women of other countries
do. Men in other countries don't treat their women as good as we do, and
our poetry and music proves that. Actually, now that I think about it, this
may not be such a good thing. Perhaps we should remove their rights again.
We're renowned for the high quality of our alcohol, and that is the mark of
a truly sophisticated society. When we kill our brain cells we do it with
great taste and at low prices!
Not convinced that we have the best country in the world yet? Well the
whole world looks up to us because of our top notch system of government.
We have lots of freedom, but at the same time our government is willing to
help us and not make us carry the entire burden by ourselves. That's
something you just can't get in any other country.
When you see our people stereotyped in tv and movies, don't let it get you
down. The truth is that we really are all like that, but wouldn't you
rather be one of us than one of them? I thought so. So be proud and love
this country because even though we're not always violent we are known for
being able to take care of ourselves. That means we'll take you out too if
you feel sorry for those other guys.
Oh, and we have lakes (and rivers).
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PART THREE
by BMC
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Captain's Log
Stardate: 1234.5
The Capitalism Monster is keeping me trapped in a cell with dozens of other
zine editors. Within this cage we are all being forced to write article
after article about the benefits of capitalism. Three have died from severe
cases of selling out, but I think I can survive. I have tried to signal my
crew to rescue me but there has been no response. I just hope they are ok
and that none of them have died like Komrade B did, because the Capitalism
Monster probably wouldn't even give me the privilege of expressing my sorrow
in a heartfelt article this time. You never know though, maybe he will.
I'm sure someone is dead. In fact, I believe everyone was wearing red
shirts the last time I saw them!
Here in the prison the Capitalism Monster is breaking my heart and I just
hope that I can find a way to escape. If my crew doesn't rescue me then I
will have to do it myself. For now, though, I will just lay low and wait
for the Monster to let his guard down.
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern #118-08/16/00
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern/Weekly Capitalist.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
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