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The Neo-Comintern 100
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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 0 0
LANOITANRETNI ht5 EHT ERA EW - WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL
0002 ,ht92 hcraM - March 29th, 2000
CMB :rotidE - Editor: BMC
:sretirW - Writers:
B edarmoK - Komrade B
CMB - BMC
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;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ Prince Namor in The Juniper Wars- BMC and Komrade B $
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EDITOR'S NOTE
Back in 1998 I lost the four articles that we were going to use for
our grand first installment of The Neo-Comintern. Instead, I settled for two
sub-standard articles that Komrade B and I wrote. They were terrible. By
the time issue three came around, I found the four articles that I had lost.
It was humiliating. It was too late to redeem ourselves, and 100 issues
later I am still ashamed.
Well, on that sad note, enjoy the 100th issue of our wonderful zine!
(p.s. I just destroyed issue one so now you will never see it.
Never! haHAhAhAHhA)
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;P PRINCE NAMOR IN THE JUNIPER WARS .b
`q by BMC and Komrade B p'
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The scribes of Atlantis tell many stories, but none are more
captivating to the masses than the tale of a young prince named Namor. He
adventured from the safety of his father's throne-room and struck like a
spear into the heart of the Juniper Wars. This is the tale of how he
brought peace to that dangerous world.
Proteus kidnapped Namor and trained him in the art of the swimming
head butt, and after that the young prince refused to learn about
mathematics, poetry, politics, or socialism. Instead, he wanted to learn
learned everything there was to know about the art of battle. At the time,
this consisted of punching, swimming head butts, and the new technique,
kicking. Namor learned well, but since he was a slender 12 pounds he still
couldn't hold his own in battle against his peers.
Namor's small size made him a victim of tides and such. It was
common for him to be sucked out with the tide, and then Poseidon would have
to send the Weegie Knight to find him. The king, fearing for his son's
safety, placed him in the care of this, his most trusted knight. As a first
act of training, the Weegie Knight fashioned a 75-pound suit of coral armour
for Namor to wear. The young prince wore it for an entire week until the
Weegie Knight returned to find Namor where he had left him. Namor was
unable to move in his suit. The fact that the Knight would spend hours
kicking him about the courtyard did not help matters.
After a month, Namor was able to stand up in the suit. A week after
that he was able to take a few small steps. Before the year was over Namor
was running, climbing, kicking, punching, and making love while inside his
suit of rough coral. Since the coral armour was alive, he once fancied it
to be sexy and attempted to make love to it. It was then that he realized
that the coral was as craggy and caustic as a venomous dagger. This
resulted in what became known on the land world as circumcision and
syphilis, but Namor just referred to it's effects as "battle scars."
As Namor grew inside his suit of coral and gained mobility, he grew
in cockiness as well. "Ha, weegie, look at me now! What say you?" The
Knight pointed at a Weegie mare eating some kelp by a local quarry, and
demanded that Namor slay her. He took his black coral sword and headed
toward the unsuspecting Weegie. Fearing that she would notice him, he crept
low behind some seaweed. Unbeknownst to him, it was a breeding ground for a
class of turbellarians, who attempted to devour him whole. The Weegie
Knight, angered by his student's incompetence, took the small inert Namor
and placed him in the mouth of a giant whale whom he allowed to eat Namor.
Elsewhere, Proteus and his minions were hard at work rebuilding the
destroyed city of Cavercus. The creatures of the town gave their all,
working their hardest all day and night. Proteus merely wandered around,
singing children's songs and yelling at the labourers, sometimes for not
working hard enough, and sometimes for working too hard. While walking the
perimeter of the city one day, Proteus saw a large whale swim up to the
front gates. He attempted to wrestle with it, and it swallowed him.
Proteus met Namor in the whale's stomach and they battled fiercely. Namor
was in prime form and Proteus had been out of combat for awhile, so they
fought for hours. Nobody was seriously injured. The whale didn't like this
much, so he vomited the entire content of his stomach all over the middle of
a field where the Weegie Knight stood laughing.
The Knight looked at Namor and said, "Well little grasshopper, I
hope a lesson has been learned!" Proteus, angered by the fact that he had
been consumed, bellowed, "You fool! I was consumed by your whale! Be gone
from my city, you foul enemy!" The Weegie Knight removed his mighty sword
from its scabbard and stabbed Proteus in the small of his back. Proteus
bellowed and swam off to a sea-cave. The whale swam in the other direction
because Proteus hurt its feelings. It cried all the way back to its home in
the Aegean. To this day, the ocean is still salty from his tears. The
Knight took Namor and returned him to Atlantis, where the young prince's
training began anew.
Since Namor failed in battle with the great whale, the Weegie Knight
determined that he was worthless as a combatant. From this point on, hours
were spent each day training in the three main techniques of attack.
Training went well and Namor was proud of his success, so when the Weegie
Knight suggested that they begin regular sparring sessions, he was excited
to prove his worth as a fighter.
Namor was so excited for the sparring session that he could not wait
until morning. Just to show The Weegie Knight that he was prepared for
anything, he crept into the Knight's chamber where the Knight was bathing.
He took a chair and broke it over the back of the Knight's head, saying,
"Ha! Always be prepared, stupid Knight!" The Knight wrapped three tentacles
around Namor's neck and strangled him, and he beat him with the rest of his
free tentacles until Namor was nearly dead.
Namor laughed in victory as the paramedics carried him from the
deluxe condominium of the Weegie Knight (note: this was a personal victory
for Namor, not a real victory). He continued to laugh all that night, even
as they sewed his skull back together and removed several large pieces of
brain that the doctors claimed were now useless. Namor never knew the
difference afterward, except that he could always smell tomatoes, and that
he was completely devoid of compassion for the weak. From this point on, he
cared for nothing but raiding cities, conquering foes, and seizing
maidenhoods. He accomplished them all within his lifetime, but right now he
was only worried about defeating the rare Weegie Knight.
With anger on his face and love in his heart, the battered and
bloodied Prince of Atlantis strode to the battlefield to face the Weegie
Knight one last time. This confrontation would result in one or both being
killed, but there could be no rest until the battle was over. The Knight
smirked and attempted to stab Namor in the face. Namor dodged with grace
and beauty. Suddenly the student became the teacher. Namor seized the long
greyish tentacle of the Knight, much as the Knight had done to him in the
past. Infuriated, the Knight flailed madly. Not thinking clearly, it did
not occur to him that he could use his other seven tentacles or his
poisonous spray. He conceded and Namor was declared victorious.
Namor was now a master of the arts. He had mastered the three basic
techniques of attack. He had bested the Weegie Knight by learning the art
of the grab, something that was once thought impossible for humans to
achieve. The Weegie Knight was proud of his disciple, and made him an
honourary lieutenant in the Atlantean army.
Poseidon, who was proud of his son, summoned him to the Royal
Atlantean Court. "My son, it brings me great joy to see you have matured
into manhood. I shall place you in charge of a scouting party of Sea-Elves
to check the defences of the hated Junipers."
"Father, it will bring me great joy to bring you the head of the evil
Juniper King!" replied Namor. The King looked disappointed in his son and
said, "Uh no, that's okay. I just want you to scout, not assassinate."
Namor smiled and said to himself, "Ah yes, an assassination. Good word for
it, father." With that the Prince strode from the chamber to destroy
the kingdom of Junipus.
The Kingdom of Atlantis had been in war with the Junipers for 12
years. Namor shed a tear of empathy for the Junipers, because though he
wanted to destroy them, he had a shred of love for them in his heart. It was
rumoured in the Kingdom of Atlantis that the women of the Juniper Horde
were extremely beautiful and fertile. Namor desperately wanted to get a
piece of that love.
His Elven party snuck behind enemy lines. They were scouting the
land, and at the same time also having a lot of fun in each others company.
It was becoming a merry party until they came across a village. Namor
exclaimed, "Ah! A Juniper village ahead! Perhaps the king is there and I
can behead him!" Namor, not known for tact or patience, ordered his men to
charge down the hill and destroy anything that moved. The Elves ran down
the hill slaying the men, raping the women, and beheading the children,
until one elf screamed, "These aren't Junipers, they are Elves!!"
Apparently the party had headed in the wrong direction and had wandered into
Elven territory. This atrocity would be tough for Namor to cover up,
especially with all his men weeping. "Quit whining you fools and dismember
those bodies and burn the village!" "But I was born in this village" said
one, and, "I live in this village," said another. Namor slew them both for
insubordination. With that, the village was in flames and his party headed
back to Atlantis.
As they were headed back to Atlantis one of Namor's guards asked,
"Why are we returning home? Shouldn't we be scouting the Junipers?" Namor
was furious and responded, "Silence fool! I am bored from all this
pillaging. Besides, we captured some maidens from the village and I wish to
rape them!" The guard looked shocked. "But sire, you told those girls that
you would give them comfy lives in the Royal Palace for killing their
families. You can't rape them!" Namor turned and berated the soldier. "I
told you to be silent. Why would I wish to give the enemy a comfy life in
Atlantis? They must die for their wicked ways. I grow weary of this
argument!" With that, the guards were silent and Namor began boozing.
Namor returned to Atlantis and went into the throne-room to talk to
Poseidon. "I'm here to receive my medal of valour," said Namor. "But son,"
said Poseidon, "what have you done to earn this award?" "Father," he said,
"I have brought you this squad of Junipers that I found lurking in the
Western reef!" Poseidon looked at the shackled creatures and shook his head
in disapproval. "Namor, these are Sea-Elves. Not only that, but it is just
your military unit in Juniper masks." Poseidon removed the mask from one of
them and scolded Namor. "You had better go out there and do something
useful other than sacking villages." "What about convents?" asked Namor.
Poseidon carried Namor across throne-room and stuffed him in the laundry
chute. "Go out and kill some Junipers to prove yourself a man," said
Poseidon. Namor wept.
Namor spent the night sitting in the laundry basket with his platoon
of Sea-Elves that had followed him down the chute. Namor sat silently,
trying to formulate a plan to win back his father's favour. "Men, we have to
think of something quick before that stupid Weegie Knight saves the day.
Owww I hate him so, maybe father would be happy if I killed him??" His
elven comrades shook their heads at their Prince's latest idea. They had
already rejected his ideas of murdering the cities poor, burning parts of
the city, and branding the royal crest on the testicles of all males in the
city. "I know!" cried Namor, "we have to do something rash and brazen! We
shall kill the Juniper King!!" The guards, hoping he had forgotten that
idea, shook their heads at their Prince's death sentence.
On the way out of the city gates, Namor met up with the Weegie
Knight. "So where are YOU going?" asked Namor in a cocky voice. "I'm going
to kill the Juniper King as your father ordered me to," replied the Weegie
Knight. Namor asked, "Can I come too and kill him with you? Cause I really
want to do that, cause then my father will love me as he has never has
before." The Weegie Knight slapped him across the face with a tentacle and
sprayed gas all over him from head to toe. As Namor's lungs turned to
liquid, the Weegie Knight wished him the best of luck, and took himself and
his squad of sea monkeys off to attack the Juniper capitol of Junipus.
Namor was bedridden in a patch of kelp for nearly three weeks. The
bleeding finally stopped, but the chlorine gas would forever stunt his
growth. Suddenly, a burst of energy hit him and he leapt up. "I must catch
the Weegie Knight!" He began running West, but unfortunately Junipus was to
the East. Namor ran for what seemed forever. He ran until he came to an
impassable landmass. Rather than quitting, he sawed straight through the
intervening landmass creating what we know today as the Panama Canal.
Finally, after a long and tortuous journey, he reached the Juniper capital
just ahead of the Weegie Knight and hatched his plan.
While the Weegie Knight and the royal crayfish and crawdads were
breaking Junipus lines of defence, Namor walked in through the back door of
the castle. He was in a kitchen where the Juniper King was drinking a cup of
tea and playing a game of solitaire. Namor, not recognizing who he was
talking to, asked the Juniper King if he might have a spot of tea. The King
obliged him and then offered to play a game of chess. Chess was never
Namor's best game, and he lost after seven moves. Namor munched on a
teacake and asked if the gentleman could tell him where the Juniper King was
so that he could murder him and become the hero of Atlantis. At that same
moment, the Weegie Knight and his men burst through the other door and began
to murder Namor's host. Namor, still not comprehending who he had just
spent the afternoon with, jumped to the defense of the Juniper King.
Namor scowled at the Weegie Knight. "Ha you bastard, I should have
known you were a traitor to my father! Why else would you assassinate me and
then do the same to my best friend?" The knight bellowed "You fool! I did
not assassinate you, as is evidenced by the fact that you are still alive,
and furthermore, I poisoned you because you are a disgrace! Besides, the
poison was merely a sedative and an aphrodisiac to keep you out of my way!"
Namor looked puzzled and took a minute before answering. "So that is why I
had this painful, throbbing erection for four weeks straight, but I must say
it came in hand when I was trenching the Panama Canal!"
When they had finished their tender conversation they realized that
the Juniper King had fled on foot and the sea elves who had watched him
escape began drinking the tea, and one of them attempted to eat the chess set
(the chess set turned out to be poisoned and the elf died). Namor asked the
Weegie Knight for some new training sessions, and the Weegie Knight became
furious. He made Namor leave the kitchen, and as the young prince walked
back to Atlantis he attempted to brainstorm ways to regain his friendship
with the Weegie Knight. "I think he will be impressed if I can discover the
Juniper King and assassinate him." With that, Namor headed West in search
of his evil foe. As he walked away, the Weegie Knight sprayed him with
another burst of aphrodisiac gas. Namor passed out from the toxins, and the
current carried him away out deep into the sea. The knight left him and
headed back to Atlantis.
When Namor woke up he was in Cavercus. He fought a minor battle
with Proteus which was won by the old king. Then Namor continued on his way
and went into Poseidon's throne room where he was warmly greeted and received
the military decorations that he became legendary for. Namor approached the
throne to receive Atlantis' highest honour.
"Father, I have brought you great news of my mission. I found the
lair of the Juniper king and slew him forthwith. Alas, he had sleweth the
Weegie Knight before I had a chance to save him, but my fury put fear into
the evil king and I killed him. Afterwards I discovered that the Weegie
Knight and King had not been fighting, but in fact had been making love and
the king had slew him in the throws of passion!"
The audience roared with applause and Namor bowed to the masses.
Just then the door opened and the Weegie Knight strode to the king with a
note in tentacle. "I bring word from Junipus," said the Weegie Knight. The
king took the message and the knight left. The king read the message and
declared "It appears that Namor was correct in his tale. The King of
Junipus is dead, but from a heart attack, not a sword stroke!" Namor
recovered by saying, "He must have died from fear that I would find him and
kill him outright!" With that the audience roared again. "But Namor,"
asked Poseidon, "you said that the Weegie Knight had been killed in action.
How do you explain this?"
"Father," replied Namor, "I did not want to seem a braggart by
admitting that I saved the Weegie Knight from his peril, so I told the tale
in such a way as to make it sound like he died as a hero." "What say you,
Weegie Knight?" asked Poseidon. "How do you respond to these charges?" But
alas, the Weegie Knight was unable to speak because he lacked vocal chords
as all Weegies of the time did. The Knight attempted to tell his side of
the tale through a swishing of his tentacles and a flapping of his dorsal
fin. "Ahh I understand fully," said Poseidon. "You are telling me that
Namor is a hero and that we should decorate him with our highest medal, and
have a special celebration this evening featuring music by Christopher Cross,
and that he be wed to you, the Weegie Knight." The Weegie Knight shook his
head in disgust for the stupidity of the Atlanteans, but in reality it was
the Weegie Knight that was the true fool.
Namor's name was forever remembered in the tome of Heroes. The
Weegie Knight, on the other hand, was quickly forgotten.
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern #100-03/29/00
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.
