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The Neo-Comintern 122
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888 888 888 888 , the weekly capitalist electronic magazine $$
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installment number 122 $$
September 18th, 2000 $$
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Editor: The Capitalism Monster
Writer/Slave: BMC
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Featured in this installment
A critique on animal life- BMC
Ask an expert: Sex- BMC
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MONSTER'S NOTE
This week I bring you a letter that I found among Komrade B's
personal possessions. Yes, I was going through his estate the other day
(because all things that were BMC's are now MINE) and I discovered this
detailed strategy of how he planned to sell out. It was a letter that he
was planning to send to Junior Haagis, in response to his request for some
advice on how to be a good capitalist. All things considered, I must admit
it was an admirable plot but, just as the late Komrade B failed at
everything else he did, his attempt to sell out was pathetic and asinine (to
give it more credit than it deserves).
I print excerpts of this letter now for two reasons. The first is
that I want to prove that BMC's so-called comrades (it's sweetest to
illustrate this point using "Komrade" B) were never truly on his side and
they were all secretly involved in covert strategies to overthrow his
socialist ideals. The second is to paint a picture for you so that you will
understand what a group of losers the writers of this magazine were. I want
to demonstrate to you how fortunate you are to have myself, the illustrious
weaver of magic and perfection, the beautiful and glorious speaker of truth,
the intelligent and witty defender of what is right and good, the unbeatable
monster of your heart, Capitalism, as editor and conqueror.
"A man works for his money, he doesn't beg for it." -KB
Let's not presume that it is the right of all people to have a job.
It's a privilege for working class people to be given jobs. Just because
you want to work doesn't mean you deserve the kinds of advantages that come
with a steady income, such as ability to support your family, access to
proper health care or sufficient retirement savings.
"A man must earn his keep. If he needs medicine, there is no reason
he can't dig a ditch. If a woman needs counseling, there is no reason she
can't mop the office floors." -KB
Well, there's one positive thing I can say about this quotation and
that is, at least he got the sexism right!
"Remember, the next time your company is having a rough year, be
sure to volunteer for a pay cut. I did and it was the best thing I ever did.
Because of my initiative, the company was able to cut 9% from the overall
employee salaries, which allowed them to squeak in under the 4th quarter
predictions from last year. This kept the stockholders wealthy and
happy." -KB
This passage presents itself as perhaps some of the greatest wisdom
(highly uncharacteristic) that Komrade B ever writ, living or dead. I can
fully support this idea but would like to add that workers should obtain a
unique satisfaction and unmatchable joy from pleasing their employers in
such a way.
"There is no reason that after retirement if you cannot support
yourself that you should not be put to sleep." -KB
Why should we waste our time on such an expensive means of disposing
of the old? It may be humane but it is also senseless to use good drugs on
them. I say, burn them alive. Their time is up and their bodies might as
well be used for fuel. I'm sure they will have no objections to this if we
present to them the economical advantages of it and how they will be serving
one last time in the line of duty for capitalism.
"If you can't pull your weight you needn't hope for someone else to
pull it. This is the way of the new era." -KB
Disguised as a PR puff for capitalism, this was actually Komrade B's
plea for Junior Haagis to get a job. Komrade B was getting tired of sharing
his basement apartment and what little money he made at the local
convenience store (owned by the slave driver Cog - some socialist!). It's
no secret that Haagis received the hint that his freeloading was no longer
welcome. In a fit of resentment upon Komrade B's death, Junior Haagis stole
B's pickled remains along with a Plaster of Paris death mask of his face.
"So in the future do more for your employer. If you are in a union
you might consider breaking it." -KB
Komrade B broke his own union and he believed it was for the best.
All holidays in his company were abolished. Being the empty-headed person
that he was, Komrade B was happy with this arrangement because he had no
ideas when it came to spending his holidays anyway. He usually just ended
up lying around the house waiting for work to begin again.
"One senior board member said I was management material as he
laughed, smoking a cigar, with beautiful women under each arm, as he was
seated in his limousine." -KB
An occasional false-feeling of recognition is one of the greatest
acknowledgements that you can get in this wonderful system of ours. The
example of the rich is inspirational and as long as the working classes look
up to our lifestyle, we will always have lackeys to fulfill the labour-
intensive demands of our way of life.
"Yep that's my goal, to be management, and once its realized I will
be able to buy that nice big, gas guzzling SUV. I have been hankering
for." -KB
Here Komrade B outlines the perfection of this system we call
capitalism. Everyone has a chance to make it big. Everyone has a chance to
fulfill their dreams. Everyone has a chance to be a leader. Everyone has a
chance to get RICH! (Except, of course, Komrade B and all other people
belonging to the lower classes).
"I live to serve. I am no longer loyal to a nation only a
corporation." -KB
This excerpt shows once again how short-sighted Komrade B is in his
attempt to be a good capitalist. Of course, it is important to be loyal to
your corporation but you must also be loyal to your nation! This land is
OURS and we must protect it. If there is a war, it is your duty to serve
and protect. Nationalism is a virtue. This country is the best one in the
world and we must NEVER FORGET THAT. In short, it is important to be loyal
to both country and corporation - loyalty is only a problem if it is self-
directed and leads to pride. Pride will not be tolerated in the working
class. You must serve.
In closing, I will leave you with Komrade B's unfulfilled manifesto.
He planned to implement these ideas in his own corporation but because of
his untimely death, he never got the chance (of course, he wouldn't have got
the chance if he had lived but there is no point on dwelling on the
depressing realities of low-class potential).
Komrade B's last wishes and some things to mull over:
- No talking in the office.
- No personal phone calls regardless of the nature or the
circumstances surrounding the call
- People who are even late for more than a second must work the
entire day without pay
- No hopes or dreams that are out of the scope of the overall
objectives of the company are allowed.
While I have thoroughly criticized Komrade B's attempt at selling
out, I can't fault his effort. His courage should be an inspiration to all
of you out there who consider yourselves to have socialist ideas!
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Our capitalist of the week is State of unBeing magazine
<http://apoculpro.org/sob.shtml>. They earned this illustrious award by
promoting capitalism on the Internet and sending us a cheque for $200
American. They outrank the Hampsterdance site by twenty-five to seventeen,
so I suggest you check it out right now. If you're in a hurry and don't
have time to check out lots of Internet sites right now then I suggest that
you skip over the rest of this issue and go there right now.
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A CRITIQUE ON ANIMAL LIFE
by BMC
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When we think of species that are similar to humans we tend to think
of apes and monkeys, but when you think about it those guys are quite
different from us. First of all, they don't have the self-respect or moral
standards to hide their bodies behind clothes like we do. I take this to
symbolize that they don't respect the gift of chastity that was given to
them by the Lord! Therefore they are sinners and they're all going to go to
hell.
I was watching tv the other day so I could keep up-to-date on world
events and stock prices and I saw something called equestrian races. These
are races where a bunch of people ride around on animals called horses and
jump all over the place. When watching the show I noted that these
creatures must be the laziest things in the world because they walk on four
legs instead of three. Why don't they just put some effort into it like
humans do? Then they might actually get something done for themselves and
they can stop taking handouts!
Whales are supposed to be the smarted creatures on the planet, but
if they're so smart then you'd assume that they would learn to speak English
before they move here. If there's one thing we don't need it's a bunch of
damned immigrants that can't speak in any language but squeal.
Birds are just as bad. They fly from country to country without a
passport and perhaps it is just as much our fault for allowing them to do
what they please and not be accountable to anybody. It seems unfair to me
that they can live wherever they want to and not work or pay taxes anywhere.
First of all, they should have to get a green card or something like that.
Second, they should have to get permits for all of the animals they hunt
because only we should be able to decide if helpless animals are murdered or
not.
And then there's the crabs. They try to corrupt our youth by
teaching the children to walk sideways. What can I say about that? Maybe
if they walked forward we wouldn't have to kill them and feed their
mutilated flesh into our bodies.
Remember that God created only one creature in his own image. The
white Christian Anglo-Saxon male. All others are inferior and should be
treated as such.
But out of all of the creatures in Jesus Christ's kingdom there is
one that we can learn something from. The ants have a working class that
they refer to as drones. The drones spend all of their conscious time
eating or working. In return they do not get a paycheque but instead go out
and provide for themselves whether that means drinking the dew from flower
petals or devouring one of their sick or injured comrades. They experience
the highs and lows that life has to offer, and I think it would be wonderful
if we could transfer their work ethic over to our blood-sucking union
members. The only negative thing about ant life is that the product of
their labour benefits the queen ant, and we all know that females were
created by Jesus Christ to be treated as second class citizens, not
matriarchs, and ESPECIALLY not equals.
We as human beings can see all of the flaws in animal life. This is
because God created us to be judgemental and decide for ourselves who is
going to heaven and who is going to hell. Here's the short list of
criteria, though, for all of you who want to know if you are superior or
inferior. To go to heaven you must be:
1) human
2) Christian
3) wealthy
4) 7 inch penis or larger
Do your best to live up to all of these criteria and we shouldn't
end up having to cane your ass in the back room (AKA Ottawa).
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ASK AN EXPERT: SEX
by BMC
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This week's "Ask an expert" column has been canceled due to lack of
space in this issue. I guess you'll have to find out about sex for yourself.
-CM
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern #122-09/18/00
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern/Weekly Capitalist.
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