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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 9 1
WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL - LANOITANRETNI ht5 EHT ERA EW
January 4th, 2000 - 0002 ,ht4 yraunaJ
Editor: BMC - CMB :rotidE
Writers: - :sretirW
Margarina Cataclysma - amsylcataC aniragraM
Gnarly Wayne - enyaW ylranG
Komrade B B edarmoK
BMC - CMB
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ Margarina Cataclysma's Advice Column $
$ Fun Things To Do With Monsters- Gnarly Wayne $
$ My Conversion to Judiasm- Komrade B $
$ My Night With The Beautiful Stranger- BMC $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
This is a very special issue for many reasons. First of all, it
contains four entertaining articles, and if I lie may I be beaten with a
willow switch or a will 'o wisp or a willowcrisp... whatever is handy.
After that you can pull down my pants and flog me with a firehose. So just
trust me, these articles are pretty good or I wouldn't even be wasting good
bytes of my webspace on them. There were a couple bad articles that I had
one time that I didn't put in here. Trust me on that.
Oh jeah, another special thing is that Komrade B's last article is in
this issue. It discusses how he found religion just a month before he
tragically died. As always, Komrade B, this issue is dedicated to you and we
will miss you. At least it is nice that we are making money off your death.
Have you ever found or bought a monster and been unable to think of
something to do with it? It happened to me one time when I acquired a young
goblin named Gobbie Gee. Well if I had that problem again today it would be
no big deal, because Wayne has made a comprehensive list of things to do to
monsters of every type. This is the kind of article to print and stick in
the folder for "in case of an emergency."
Oh on New Year's Eve there was a riot between the anti-Y2K squad and
the pro-year-2000 organization. They clashed in the streets as the anti-
Y2Kers chanted "Y2K Go Away" and the pro-year-2000s screamed "Yaaay Y2K!"
The conflict was ended at midnight when both groups fell silent and
surrendered themselves to the police. 8 people were killed, including two
bypassers and a news reporter. One of the victims was a 3 year old girl.
In this issue Margarina gits busy once again with her new feature
that she calls an "advice column." I have never heard of this before so it
must be a completely new idea. Margarina gives good advice. One of the
people whose question she answered ending up committing suicide, but I think
that was a coincidence. It was me.
Other than that, we just have a great issue here and it will probably
be our last as well. Peace.
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P MARGARINA CATACLYSMA'S ADVICE COLUMN .b
`q by Margarina Cataclysma p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Dear Margarina, I have no effing clue what I want to be when I grow up.
Can you recommend any good ways to go about finding my calling in life?
-Scrilla Tee
Dear Scrilla,
There is only one way to find out for certain what you want to be when you
grow up. It is a 4 step process.
Step 1: Register for an early morning class in Calculus.
Step 2: Go to class all the time, except when you feel like sleeping in.
Write down all of your homework assignments and schedule an
uninterrupted block of time each day to do calculus problems.
Step 3: Pay attention to what you do to waste time in order to avoid your
calculus homework. If you find yourself tidying up around the
house, then you are destined for house wifeliness. If you hang
around bars meeting boys, you should look into prostitution. If you
doodle in the margins of your book, you should kill yourself now
rather than waste all that money on art supplies. If you actually
like calculus then you have more options but they are really boring,
but more power to you, I suppose.
Step 4: Drop the calculus class, you know more than enough already.
Remember above all else that it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you do
it for me.
Love, Margarina
Dear N-Com...
ever since the earliest issues I've had the biggest crush on Komrad B. I
think he is soooooooooooo hot, he gets me REALLY bothered. Anywhoooo, I was
wondering what words of advice you have for me so that I can get Komrad to
bend over a long walnut table and get ready for the reddest time he'll ever
have. I want it to be sweet, sensuous, and most of all, big.
PS: Please don't show this to him. =)
-B-Funk
Dear B-Funk,
How did you know my secret desires? Oh my delicate flowering psychic walnut
lip gloss, meet me under the banyan tree at midnight. Remember to bring
little Snoopy.
Love, Komrad B
How can a person fall in love with two people...
-anonymous
Hello Mr. or Miss No Name,
Ok, it's like this: there are more than 2 people in the world and only 24
hours in a day, so since sometimes people are busy, a person that so-called
loves one person who might be otherwise occupied gets bored of dilly dallying
and so they begin to so-called love another person. This is all fine and
well. Just remember, dear child, that when you fall into so-called love,
that it is important to fall into so-called love with a human boy or girl.
Interspecies love never works out. Ask my grandmother about this if you
doubt, she had a thing with a tractor and it ran her over and broke her heart
as well as her back (it was having problems dealing with her affection for
some kitchen appliance). But those sorts of things never happen with humans,
so you don't need to worry.
Love, Margarina
"What's the deal with shoe polish colour?"
-Gnarly Wayne
Dear Gnarly Wayne,
I can tell that you are a cynic. But just this once I will explain the shoe
polish thing to you: You see, I don't want to talk about it. So that's about
enough out of you.
Love, Margarina
"can i have a corsage instead of a buttineire please?"
-Pickled Fetus
Dear Pickled Fetus,
Of course you may. What was your question again, dear?
Love Margarina
Ummmm, ok well there's 2 guys that i'd like to be with, one wants me, but he
lives 2 hours away, and i'm not sure about the other one, but he has a
girlfriend and me and a few girls have a theory that him and my best friend
want to hook up. Ummm should i get with the guy that likes me?
-Pickled Fetus
Dear Fetus,
You were never one to follow the crowd, dear. I suggest that you take them
both and let your biographers sort the whole mess out later, after you're
dead. Now is not the time to ask questions, you're alive and presumably not
confined to quarters. So straighten your corsage and get out there and fuck.
Love, Margarina
What makes the endangered tree octopus nature's greatest lover? We've all
heard the legend of the "sergeants of the arboreum" (as the Italians call
them), but what is it about these magnificient beasts that has given them
such prowess?
-Kayaa
Dear Curious,
I was sworn to secrecy, but ever since I was evicted from the basement
apartment of General Arboreum (It wasn't my fault! My houseboy Ted forgot to
change his diaper again and it started to bother the General), I have been a
bit bitter and aching to tell all. The secret is this: a tree octopus is
able to hold a camera, a lily, a jar of peanut butter, a commanding
megaphone, a warm wet towel and other things (which I blush to think of and
so cannot write down), in its various hands. Also they know how to use em.
And there's nothing like a bit of loving in the green green shade. Also tree
octopuses look good without shirts. And did I mention the suction cups?
Also, unlike my sullen houseboy Ted, they don't dither about the eternal
bagel versus donut question. It makes me shiver.
Love, Margarina
ummm....ok why do I always umm...hmm why don't I know how to say no to ppl?
:)
-Doughboy2
Dear Doughboy2,
Being contrary is vastly overrated. Whenever you are feeling insecure,
remember that people like people who can't say no. If it weren't for people
like you, I'd have to rinse the hair from my bathtub myself. Fortunately
there is my houseboy Ted, who also doesn't know how to say no. I am
eternally grateful.
Love, Margarina
in strip poker rings don't count do they?
-Karli
Dear Karli,
Rings don't count and neither do pennies pinched between butt cheeks. Ever.
Things like that basically exist as decorations for naked bodies.
Love, Margarina
I have a close friend who was hit by a car/committed suicide/was murdered
by me, and I am having trouble dealing with it. Is it bad that I am making
fun of him now that he is dead?
-anonymous
Dear I-know-who-you-are-even-if-you-don't-sign-your-name,
One time I kissed the statue in the graveyard that if you kiss it then
someone dies, and then my mother died the next day. So I'm gonna have to say
no. Also for every one who dies someone else is born. I know this is true
because Ted's ex-girlfriend got pregnant shortly after I kissed the statue.
She actually had an abortion, but that's not the point. The point is I made
fun of him because she didn't want his child.
Love, Margarina
"How did the mummy take a runny shit when he is a decayed corpse? and why
was it funny?"
-Gnarly Wayne
Dear Gnarly Wayne,
When people are mummified, they are filled full of different pickling
liquids. If a mummy is lucky enough to be reanimated, as so few are but so
many hope to be, the sudden shock of movement after millennia of just lying
there often causes the liquid to squirt out the sphincter. It has something
to do with gravity, and a whole lot to do with atrophied muscles. This is a
well documented occurrence. It's funny for the same reason that nitrous
oxide is funny. It just is.
Love, Margarina
why does love make you feel all squishie inside???
-Green Eyes
Dear Green Eyes,
It is because you are weak and inexperienced and probably you've never
watched the learning channel's dating story show. To overcome these
nauseating feelings, you must enroll in a strict military college. I am sure
that the phone book has listings for a military academy near you. Another
thing that works is to date someone who you hate and then after years and
years of that, the revulsion will wear you out and you won't be able to feel
anything at all, let alone tender things like squishie feelings.
Love, Margarina
"my friend had really bad taste in clothes and wears an ugly yellow hat to
school every day. Should I have sex with him?"
-Cog
Dear Cog,
Yes of course. Unless it is my houseboy Ted, which it could very well be
given your description of him. If it is Ted, tell him that it's time to do
the dishes. And hands off, he's mine.
Love, Margarina
Is it wrong to masturbate to monsterporn? Am I going to go to hell?
-BMC
Dear BMC,
I am surprised that you have to ask. Hell is a really nice place anyway, so
don't worry. Enjoy. But please for the sake of humankind stay away from
those Playboy Special Edition Lingerie things. They are insipid. In fact
that is the only thing that my houseboy Ted can say no to- I have repeatedly
told him that they suck but he won't listen. Also remember that hell is
crowded, so you will have to get used to sharing sooner or later. It is a
good policy to share whatever it is that you are going to hell for with your
friends. The additional benefit of this is that when you finally get to
hell, you'll be in pleasant and understanding company.
Love, Margarina
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P FUN THINGS TO DO WITH MONSTERS .b
`q by Gnarly Wayne p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Deadly Pudding: - eat the Deadly Pudding.
Gelatinous Cubes: - throw really dumb stuff in it.
Centaurs: - ride the centaur.
Giant Spiders: - rip off all the spiders legs and roll it down a hill.
Snot: - snot on it. It will be happy.
Jester of Death: - don't laugh at it.
Giants: - ask them "How's the weather up there?"
Goblins: - dress one up in a tuxedo and take him drinking.
Unicorn: - aid the poor booger.
Gnoll: - torture it repeatedly, then try to make it your pet, then get
suprised when it attacks you.
Cyclops: - talk really quietly so he'll think you're really far away.
- punch one in the eye. He will be blind.
Demons: - call them stupid and see if they attack you.
Demi-gods: - brag to them how great you are.
Mind Flayers: - don't let them flay your mind.
MoOn mOnsTeRs: - Capture them and give them to Komrade B and watch what he
does with them (probably eating them).
Toni: - make him walk on edge of the sidewalk. He will be afraid of falling
into traffic and then will fall into traffic.
- give him cheese cake and tell him there is no lactose in it.
Minotaur: - Have him chase you around the labyrinth. You will both get lost
but you will have a map and find your way out.
Bugbears: - bug them.
Giant Ants: - put a bunch of them in a giant jar and shake it up and see if
they fight or build stuff.
Mermaids: - build an underwater palace for the entire race but overcharge
them.
Zombies: - play Trivial Pursuit with one. You will win.
- make a sandwhich for one and let the zombie eat it.
Vampyres: - get AIDS and let one suck your blood. I would be interested in
seeing what happens to the vampyre. Please eMail me a three page,
double spaced report on what happens.
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P MY CONVERSION TO JUDAISM .b
`q by Komrade B p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Last week I watched the world premier of Schindler's List. I had
seen it before back in high school when it was in theaters. Our entire school
went. I watched it, but I am sorry to say I was bored and spent most of my
time bothering the guy sitting in front of me by spitting sunflower seeds
into his hair.
The news media was there asking for the students reaction. I was
hoping to avoid the camera. The reporter, sensing this and the natural look
of intelligence that my eyes, had thought to get a profound answer instead
of the mulititude of "It was horrible", "It was sad", "I love Jews" answers
that they had been receiving from my classmates. As the mic was thrust in my
face and the question was posed, "What did you think of this movie?" I
quickly attempted to give my answer.
"I suppose that it was a great tragedy but I don't think the scope of
the story was completely met." The reporter gave me a quizical look and
replied, "Really how so? What did you find lacking?" At that point I said,
"Well how did the whole thing start? The Jews must have done something to
piss them off." The reporter was flabbergasted, and I moved on. My interview
did not appear in the news, nor was I reprimanded for my response to the
reporter.
So life continued on for me, neither hating nor loving the Jews. I
graduated school and began working. A thought always crossed my mind.
What had the Jews done? They must have done something real nasty to demand
the fierce hatred and treatment they received at the hands of axis forces.
My social studies teacher told me they had done nothing. I said yeah
right you don't want me to know. I came up with theories but none seemed to
work. I mean if you were going to pick a race to beat up on, the French would
have been a much more logical choice, and the Germans would have easily
conquered them and subjugated them.
The quest continued until last weekend when I watched the movie for
a second time. Three hours taught me what all the books and questions of the
last five years could not. At that moment I decided to become a Jew. At first
things went fine, and everyone seemed to like the new Jewish marquis. I
started to grow my hair long and am planning to braid my side burns. I speak
a sort of Hebrew tongue that I made up that I call Pig Hebrew. Lacking one
of those cerimonial caps, I just wear my touque and house coat all over the
place, and I constantly break glass objects, but only in the presence of
friends and families.
Then one day a woman told me politely to stop. The next day a man
calling himself "Rabbi" told me that if I was to continue my desire to
be Jewish I should come down to the synagogue and preform the necessary
rituals. I politely declined and said that I considered myself more of a
freelance Jew, and didn't like the idea of conforming to any organization.
Soon though things went for the worse. I was preforming a baptism
with some puddle water on some small school children, when I was abducted.
The two figures gave me a book of things I must do to be accepted into the
Jewish faith, and when I was ready to take those duties to come down to see
the moyle who would perform a bris upon me.
I was puzzled by this strange ritual and asked BMC what it was. He
told me that they would remove precisly one half of my penis, and that would
confirm me to the faith. This was not good news. All my useless cheating
girlfriends of the past had considered me horribly inadequate and the thought
of losing fifty percent more was more then I could bear.
So I have a standoff with the Jewish community and I will not relent.
I am true to the faith and have even performed some of these bris' on
children figuring that they won't miss what they don't know.
If things start to develop as I hope (Four thousand years of
tradition and faith reversed) I will be sure to tell you of my victory. I
also hope that this article will appease The Boss who has stated that I have
become drab and unoriginal.
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P MY NIGHT WITH THE BEAUTIFUL STRANGER .b
`q by BMC p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
It was Christmas Eve and I met him in a lounge. We shared a table
and talked. I watched him as he spoke. He had a sophisticated confidence
which another person may have called snobishness. I could agree with that,
but I would have to add that it was a charming snobishness, a trait that I
found myself becoming increasingly attracted to. He was a beautiful man and
liked to be told it, but he did not respond to compliments. Though he said
he had other plans for later in the night he appeared to be in no hurry to
leave. We had several more drinks, all the while conversing with each
other, ranting, laughing, and looking into each others' deep blue eyes. As
though they were pools I fell myself being drawn in deeper and drowning in
his glorious image and rolling in waves as though my soul were an ounce in
his ocean. It was deep, and so was I.
We had another drink, another drink, another, we had, drink. The
room started feeling warm and my stomach also tingled hot with rum. He
opened up to me, perhaps unintentionally, letting hidden mannerisms rise to
his surface. I observed some of his flaws, the knots in his perfect grain,
and they only endeared him to me more greatly than before. No longer a god
but a person, I began to feel ease around him and shared some of my deepest
hopes with him. He listened and returned wonderfully woven descriptions of
his dreams to me. Suddenly my body went on auto-pilot and the alcohol
uttered words that my mechanical ears did not expect to hear. I my mouth
moved (open and close) and my larynx, lungs, and tongue said, "Don't go to
work tonight. Stay with me."
Could I have been so forward to a complete stranger? Likely not,
but this was no ordinary stranger, and he told me that I was extraordinary
to him as well. He drove me home.
When we stopped outside of my house I removed my shirt and he took
off his red pants. "I've never had anyone do that to me before, he said.
"I've never done that to anyone before," I lied. We made love for hours in
his sleigh, and then exchanged our goodbyes. "Will there be a tomorrow,
Santa? I mean... for us?" I asked him. He said yes. Yes, there would be a
tomorrow for us.
Apparently we were talking about two different things, because though
there was a tomorrow for me there was no jolly fat lover in my arms. There
were no presents on the tree or in my stocking. There was no love, there
was no explanation. There was only a heartful of regret and a Christmas full
of sorrow. No, I was not in love with him, and no, I did not expect a
commitment, but I did not expect to feel like this. nothing special.
.d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.
___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
.d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.
Copyright 1999 by The Neo-Comintern #91-01/04/00
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.
