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The Neo-Comintern 053
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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 5 3
.WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL
.February 18th, 1999
.Editor: BMC
.Writers:
.Komrade B
.KLB
.BMC
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";P'
Featured in this installment: `$
$
The Official Comintern FAQ- Le CMB $
News Bytes- Kaisere Le Boyfriend ;P
Weegie Dreams- L'Homme B d'
;P
d'.
.,;::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;,"*,;
EDITOR'S NOTE
Well, Let's see what Komrade B has to say about this:
"Well I have been out and about for quite sometime and everyone
wants to know what I have been up to."
Uh-huh, Komrade B... sounds good. I have a feeling that I'm going
to find out right away, right?
"Weegie Dreams details those tales"
Sure, whatever, Komrade B.
"I hope that you enjoy reading it and every other article as much as
we enjoyed writing them."
Yep, uh-huh...... oh you're done? Ok, then I would like to invite
the reader to enjoy this fine issue. Paix!
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";P'
THE OFFICIAL COMINTERN FAQ d'
by BMC ;P
d'.
.,;::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;,"*,;
A lot of people ask me a lot of questions lots of the time, but
without a doubt, the questions that roll off my back are the serious
arguments posed by skeptics. Usually I don't have time to share any of my
serious philosophies with the world at large, but in this article I will
attempt to answer some of these questions which have been puzzling you all:
-"Communism sounds way too good to be true. Are there any flaws
with the system that you have not mentioned?"
That's a good question. Yes, there are actually two core flaws with
the theory of communism. The first involves law enforcement, and the
second deals with financial institutions.
In a communist society, the police belong to unions; this means that
they are entitled to regular "rest periods," reguardless of whether or not
they are arresting someone at the time, or involved in a hostage negotiation
situation. This will be the only thing to save you if you ever get
arrested, which you will, because everybody has an equal amount of warrants
out for their arrest.
The banks pose a unique problem. Since everybody has an equal amount
of money in their account, nobody bothers to deposit money anymore. One day
you withdraw half of your money, and then the next day the account is fully
replenished. Soon everybody catches on, and a bit later, everyone is
withdrawing their daily limit every day. Before you know it, there is no
money left in the bank, and the country becomes a barren wasteland where you
must kill others in order to live.
-"I love The Comintern. Though you say that you are a communist,
you display no actions that would reflect your communist values
(ie sharing with others). What's up with that?"
Well, it may be true that I hoarde everything of value that I lay
my hands on, but that's because we live in a capitalist society. When the
5th International invades your town, you will see a lot more collectivism
beginning to happen. I have already explained how this will affect our
systems of banking, so instead I will tell you about the future of pinball.
As far as we can forsee, the current pinball machines will be collected and
destroyed. These old machines glorified individual acheivement and
truvialized the pursuits of society as a whole. They will be replaced with
a new type of pinball which accumulates score from game to game, creating
collective scores. The ball goes down after one minute no matter how good
you are, and you are given a ration of tokens every week.
-"I don't believe any of this bull shit. Prove it."
No.
-"I'm not impressed."
Well, would it impress you if I posted this letter?
TO: BMC
FROM: STUYA
MSG: Time Travel (I did it)
Dear,
I have experienced time travel for the first time, and I am
writing to you from the future to remind you to travel through
time.
P.S. Your article said that there will be communism by the year
2101, but I am in the year 2101, and political science seems
similar to a theory that was briefly practiced in Canadaland until
the "nineteen nineties" or as we know it, the years before the
darkness. Oops, I have revealed too much, but since I don't have
a backspace bar on the roof of this Pontiac Sunbird I'm lying
under, I will have to end transmission immediately.
-"You guys suck."
You'll probably say that if you don't understand The Comintern,
but you will understand very quickly when The Monster Labour Party
overthrows...I mean takes over.... I mean wins a democratically legal
election by majority rule. We're still not disclosing the most evil
of our plans yet, but rest assured that they will be horrific, and you will
wish that you were dead.
-"Are you trying to intimidate me?"
When you find yourself at the hands of the 15 foot tall, leafy
monstar known as PLANIMAL!, you will understand what we are trying to do.
It will be known by the masses as terrorism, to the small circles as tax
reform, and to the CGE as a good wholesome time.
-"Even if your evil creature called "PLANIMAL!" murdered me, I would
still go to heaven, because I'm not an atheist like you
communists."
Actually, we're going to put Count Dante into his rightful role
as God. Maybe the god we have right now is doing a decent job, but I think
we've generally had better gods than this in the past. Take Thor for
example. You just could not fuck with that god! Anyway, when the next
election (AKA judgement day) comes, vote Dante for god!
Well I think that should answer your questions. If not, call the
communist secret police who will immediately arrest and murder you.
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";P'
NEWS BYTES d'
by KLB ;P
d'.
.,;::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;,"*,;
A record setting tumor was removed from a man's stomach in France.
The tumor's weight came in at 310 pounds, 7 pounds more than the last record
setter removed in South Africa. When asked about the worst part of the whole
situation, one of the doctors replied that it was that there would be nothing
but leftovers in the cafeteria for the next couple of weeks.
Wall-to-Wall Carpeting Inc, has announced its new mascot, The Karpet
Kaiser, based on the generals who led Germany's government during the First
World War and the years immediately following. The mascot's slogan will
reportedly be: "Down with the treaty of Versailles!"
The reconstruction of the Titanic has been completed, but
unfortunately during its maiden voyage the massive liner once again hit an
ice-berg sinking to the depths of the northern Atlantic, with most of the
2000+ passengers drowning or freezing to death. When asked why the company
hadn't equipped the boat with enough lifeboats this time, the reply was "Who
thought it would happen again?" He then said it was another tragic disaster
that could have been avoided, but that on the lighter side footage of the
wreck was probably going to make every blooper reel made for '99.
Hershey of America has announced a new candy soon to be released in
stores. Comprised of black licorice covered in white chocolate, the new candy
will be known as Blacks & Jews, and is expected to taste horrible.
The UN was recently dissolved due to internal dispute. Working
quickly the major powers have reformed an international board, tentatively
named UN2: The Revenge.
Fun-Sticks Inc, a company dealing in the production and marketing of
toy called the Fun-Stick, has changed its slogan due to public backlash. The
old slogan "Sticks almost as fun as the ones your daddy use to beat you
with," was thought to be too controversial for a children's toy. Their new
slogan: "Fun-Sticks: for those who like their action really raw." they
believe will make a much more effective marketing choice.
Calista Flockhart, star of Ally Mcbeal, has announced she will once
and for all dowse rumors of her anorexia, she plans to do this by eating Kate
Moss.
Packages of Burst gum were recently recalled from store shelves due
to faulty manufacturing. Burst gums, makers of popular brands such as
Cinn-a-Burst and Fruit-a-Burst, claim that their product contains "flavor
crystals" that explode in the mouth, meaning greater flavor intensity. They
voluntarily pulled the products from the shelves after testing revealed that
if gum was accidentally swallowed the flavor crystals could malfunction with
a delayed detonation, possibly causing massive anal bleeding.
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";P'
WEEGIE DREAMS d'
by Komrade B ;P
d'.
.,;::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;,"*,;
Good day laddies. It has been many a month since. I have returned
from the choppy waters and the depths of Atlantis to tell you the tales of
the deep.
Much has happened since my last article on the attempts of the MoON
MonSTArS to take over our fair sea kingdoms through poison and treachery.
The Sacumbee Affair, The Drizzay Wars, and my many illicit affairs have
dominated the sea shells of the seas news teams for most of the last six
months.
The Sacumbee affair started with the Sea Weegies attempting to carve
a mini-kingdom from the elven empire. These little critters which are much
the delicacy of the empire were always thought of as docile, but these
particular ones were extremely vicious and killed many of the elven guard.
A man who dubbed himself as Sacumbee declared that it was he that was
behind the weegies, and then went on to make many bold demands. Most
interesting to you the reader, was his call for my head and an end to the
Comintern.
Well I told him the Comintern would be put to an end. (I assumed that
he did actually mean the Comintern which had ended back in 73, and not the
current paper: Neo-Comintern. As for my head. I needed it at the time and had
no intention of giving it up anytime soon. So with guile, brutality,
long-curls, churlish smiles, and an iron fist (in a velvet glove). I managed
to destroy sacumbee in a great battle in which Weegie, Elf, and few
Atlanteans were eradicated. In the ensuing sword battle between Sacumbee and
myself. I dealt a death blow by shearing off his scrotum or something along
that line and then watched him die.
The Drizzay Wars were another matter. Snoop and Drizzay happened to
stop by the city and all hell broke loose. I'm not sure of the details of
how it all started, but much of the merchant district was razed, and Drizzay
was eaten by a whale, and Snoop recorded yet another platinum album.
As for my affairs......Well those are a story all unto their own.
Being the most powerful of sea princes does have it's perks. I do remember
one choppy fall evening below the deep blue Ocean when father became angered
with me for my carousing and boozing, and banished me from the palace. It
was on those dark streets that I realized something was terribly wrong with
father's kingdom. Believing it to be out of my hands I went to a local
tavern for mead and a wench. The night did not go well and I started a
fight. Later I passed out in a midden heap, when Boss found me and spoke of
war with Cavercus..........Thus our story began.
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 1999 by The Neo-Comintern #52-02/18/99
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.
