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The Neo-Comintern 037
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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n i n s t a l l m e n t 3 7
WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL
October 26th, 1998
editor: BMC
writers:
BMC
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.
featured in this installment: .
THE EIGHT WONDERS OF THE WORLD: .
The Pyramids Of Saskatoon .
The Hanging Gardens Of My Back Yard .
The Boss Mausoleum .
The Colossus: Peterson's Reign Of Terror .
Artemis: The Temple Of Funk .
The Lighthouse Of Pharos .
The One About Zeus .
The Eighth Wonder .
:
. . . . . . .. ...................................;
EDITOR'S NOTE
Again I find myself taking a defensive stance against the sticks,
stones, and broken bones of the enemy. "Why are there no relevant articles
in the zyne?" I hear that one all to often. This installment, though,
features something which all of you will find quite relevant: THE EIGHT
WONDERS! Yes, quite relevant indeed. Although none of them exist today
(except for the great pyramid, which you will never see proof of anyway,)
they are still as beautiful now as they ever were. Though you may never
touch the large bronze phallus of the Colossus, you can still experience the
magnificence via Neo-Comintern. Paix!
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.
THE PYRAMIDS OF SASKATOON .
by BMC .
:
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People in every country think that their system of government is the
best. People in Canada always complain about this and that, but there is a
pretty strong support for our government. Although people from Albania to
Zimbabwe think they have it made, I have the plan to make Canada (and more
specifically, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan) the greatest place in the world.
If we built a gigantic pyramid in downtown Saskatoon, millions of
people from other countries would come to see it. I know for a fact that at
least a few dozen people from surrounding towns and farms would check it out.
What does this solve? Well, that's a very intelligent question.
First of all it will destroy the outdated notion of "monotheism". This solid
gold tourist attraction will inspire worship and sacrifices to several gods.
Temples will be disbanded, thereby breaking ground for the Communist Global
Empire!
The pyramid will also make the downtown businesses flourish in a
Japanese Imperialism sense. Once the district becomes quite profitable we
will be able to fund extensive sea exploration.
Don't tell this to anyone, but there is also a top secret high tech
science lab within the beautiful hollow gold. Within the laboratory our
scientists and alchemists will strive to develop sciences such as plastics,
medicine, and the wheel.
Why did the Egyptians and Aztecs build pyramids? The reason is as
mysterious and controversial as our reasons will seem in the year 2000.
Man fears time.
Time fears the pyramids.
The pyramids fear the Neo-Comintern.
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THE HANGING GARDENS OF MY BACK YARD .
by BMC .
:
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Last week my brain gave birth to the greatest tourist attraction ever
imagined- a hanging garden. I have always had the idea in the back of my
mind, and since nobody else has built one yet I can and will claim total
credit for the idea.
The first problem was to decide what to plant in this garden. I knew
that the possibilities were endless, and also knew that the rarer the plants,
the more awe-inspiring it would seem to appear to the tourists and vagrants.
This would have been great for publicity, but I decided to go with the very
practical choice of growing regular vegetables which could be given to
charity after the harvest.
The second problem was to create an apparatus from which the
vegetables could hang. Out of my possible choices of the fence, the roof, or
the clothesline, I eventually chose the clothesline.
At first I tried to sow watermelon seeds in the fenceboards, but I
was unable to till the wood satisfactorily enough to nurture the fetal
melons.
This made me cry, so I decided to transplant some carrots from my
earthen garden to my clothesline, the new "hanging garden". It all seemed
to work quite well until I realized that carrots probably need water and
nutrients to live and grow.
I was just about to give up on the hanging garden, when one night,
sitting beautifully above the horizon was my solution. Yes, my beautiful,
evil solution. With the new day came a new era: the era of the Evil Moon
Inversion Hanging Garden.
Yes, visitors were forced to walk around on their hands, and there
was a very low roof which would touch your feet. It still looked like the
plants were hanging, but obviously nobody else thought so because they
threatened legal action against me unless I quit defrauding people of money
and having MoON Monstars as slaves working on my new aquaduct.
Realizing defeat, I began a new project: gallows. When I was done,
I hung myself in my garden and died.
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THE BOSS MAUSOLEUM .
by BMC .
:
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Have you ever wondered what it's like to die and get buried? Or
maybe what it's like to be buried alive? Well how about getting sealed in a
huge mausoleum adorned with billions of dollars worth of gold and ivory
sculptures? Oh, neither have I. It would probably be cool, though.
Now, for the remainder of my years I could wish for nothing greater
than a sarcophagus of those proportions. I realize that this dream will
never become reality, but I like to maintain that nearly blasphemous notion.
Sadly, the closest I may ever come to being entombed in a mausoleum
is if I get murdered and my corpse is thrown on that yellow marble bathtub
in that guy's front yard. I hate that god damned bathtub. Though hate it as
I may, it will likely be my container in the afterlife. The bossoleum.
At least if they throw me in that shitty bathtub I can have a bathtub
race across the River Styx. Maybe if I'm lucky I can even go sailing with
Persephone or Cerberus or something stupid like that. I can't express,
though, how much I absolutely hate that bathtub. Every day I walk past it
twice, and it angers me.
I understand that the guy is working on his house, renovating and
what not, but can someone tell him to get that christ forsaken bathtub out of
his front yard before he becomes my first victom?!
In closing, the mausoleum is cool. Even if today's version is only a
yellow marble bathtub in that guy's yard.
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THE COLOSSUS: PETERSON'S REIGN OF TERROR .
by BMC .
:
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Way back in the day, the city of Rhodes Greece decided to build a
huge monstar named The Colossus. The beast was over 100 feet tall, modeled
after a Greek god (either Helios or Apollo, depending on who you ask), and
cast in bronze. For the citizens of Rhodes, the Colossus seemed an eternal
patron of freedom and peace. About fifty-three years later, the Colossus
was struck by tragedy.
Peterson.
What happened, you ask? Well, one day it was just gone. Nobody
knows for sure, but the records seem to state that one day the sky turned
black for eight hours, and when light returned the statue was gone! The next
day the centurions found tiny black paw prints at the base of the statue,
along with a tiny black cat which was never seen in the village before.
That is one theory. In reality, though, there are very few things
that we know about that era in history. One thing we may be able to believe
is that Peterson's origin was as The Colossus!
Since then it has been general knowledge which has travelled from
Ancient Greece to North America. Indeed, there is a creature in existance
which is blacker than night, and will either beg or kill in it's quest for
copper.
Will The Colossus ever return? Only when his vast mines of copper
are overflowing. Why copper? Copper is a chief ingredient in the making of
bronze. You may have been wondering why Peterson has only been collecting
copper, but by now you must also realize that his "heart" is actually
one-hundred and twenty-two THOUSAND pounds of steel.
Mystics say there is no proof, but some scientists believe that when
Peterson aquires enough copper, he will return to his colossal form and kill
everyone who has wronged him (and also torture their families).
Peterson also inspired the Statue of Liberty to come back to life for
a week or so back in '99, and if you don't believe me check the record books.
In closing, I would like to say that this world wonder can presently
be seen at Komrade B's house or in his neighbourhood. The End.
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ARTEMIS: THE TEMPLE OF FUNK .
by BMC .
:
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Oh, and I almost forgot the other purpose of The Temple Of Artemis.
Do you remember back in the 500's (bc) when we held all night raves in ole
Ephesus? And we dropped ecstacy with some of the biggest art fags of the
day, such as Pheidias, Kresilas, and Phradmon, as they carved and created
beautiful statues.
You know, I remember the time we had the rave of all raves. It went
from about 130 to 262 (ad), isn't that right? I think a bunch of goths
showed up or something, didn't they? Oh yeah, that's right, there were all
these goths showing up and spoiling the fun by listening to Chris Sheppard
remixes of Bauhaus. Oh, well, that was quite the rave anyway.
The thing I remember the most, though, was the innocence back then.
Is it just me, or has the world changed in the past 2500 years? For the
first few years of my life, which I spent building pyramids and stonehenge,
it all seemed so new and I was quite innocent. Then I grew up, but it was
always fun because I never ceased to explore the world.
Yes, I had a hand in all of the seven wonders, but did you know about
the eighth wonder, the planet of pluto? Yes, I built that too. It used to
be where North America is now, but they made me move it so people could live
in the crayter. That was the wonder that failed, so I threw it into space.
Anyway, after all of the wonders had been built, I just had to stick
around in my temple of Artemis for some stupid reason. Yep, So I spent the
next seven hundred years or so raving and heavily overindulging in drugs.
After that, it wasn't very fun anymore. What have I been doing since
then, you ask? Well, let's just say I've been keeping busy. I've been busy,
doing stuff like....umm.....hmmm......mmmm......erh.....
I have to go now.
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THE LIGHTHOUSE OF PHAROS .
by BMC .
:
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The Pharos Lighthouse existed many years ago, and it was considered
to be one of the seven wonders of the ancient world, or the one wonder of the
seven ancient worlds as the Malasians say. But one day it was gone, and now
I have it in my pocket.
When Rick Moranis starred in my autobiographical movie, "Honey I
Shrunk The Lighthouse of Alexandria", he insisted on improvising every scene
to the point where it wasn't even about the lighthouse anymore. "Honey
I Shrunk The Kids" was the new name, and before you know it, Peter Scolari
was all over me trying to get the TV leading role. Well, now that they had
ruined that story of my life anyway, I decided to hand the director's chair
over to Ron Jeremy and start fresh with my new autobiography "Honey I Blew Up
The Moon!".
Anyway, this is the story of the Alexandria (Pharos) Lighthouse.
It was built back in about 300bc (or three hundred years before god, for
those who know).
BRAAAIIIIIIII!!!! Ahh, now that that's off my
chest, there is still the issue of my grandfather. Yes, a large statue of
King Poseidon adorned the summit of the great lighthouse. This alone was
enough to give me the right, the responsibility, to destroy it!
First I went up to the tower and started kicking and punching it,
but alas, I wound up breaking both hands and feet. During the next three
years which I spent recovering, I designed the greatest robbery and escape
ever concieved by demigod.
My next plan was to build a very large trap and lure the lighthouse
into it. I tried to bait it with scraps of meat, but it's will was stronger
than my patience.
300 years and 300 fouled plans followed. Eventually, failing to
design a proper plan to topple the tower, I called on my Uncle Zeus to
destroy the it on behalf of his failure of a nephew. Not only did he destroy
it, but he also asked Hesphaestus to build me a miniature model of it as a
momento. And now it's in my pocket, so no, I'm not just happy to see you.
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THE ONE ABOUT ZEUS .
by BMC .
:
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Where have all the children gone? Long time passing.
Anyway, it seems like when I was a kid, there were way more children
in the world. Adults were much smarter than kids, and life was more
colourful and interesting. Then, one day these kids started appearing who
seemed to know more than I did when I was their age.
It seems like kids are going into certain experiences earlier all
the time. People in elementary school are doing drugs and having sex, but
we weren't even dating yet when I was that age. Because of these early
life experiences, kids have a fuller understanding of the world than we must
have. The shoes, for example. I've said it a hundred times, but todays
kids realize that the shoes don't make them run faster.
Sometimes the kids try to exceed their limitations, though, and of
course it is our purpose as adults to teach them as they they make their
mistakes. As the children get older, they seem to understand as many of the
world's wonders as the adults do. However, one thing the kids still don't
understand is when I give them the back of my hand.
P.S. Zeus
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THE EIGHTH WONDER .
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(PRAISE FOR THE COMINTERN)
"Dang! That sure is a magazine! I like it even better than the
Quazi-Comintern." -Jim Knopf, programmer of utilities such as "Onics"
"Damn them Fascists" -J.H.
"keep up the good work (and please leave my kneecaps, I've grown
rather attached to them)..." -Sleepy Cat Summer, creator of "Popstar"
"The Cast of The Comintern is Cool!" -Jason, age 13
"I appreciate the efforts of N-Com to educate people about Shareware
and its many many authors." -William Soleau, creator of "Boloball"
"<The Comintern is> Poetic!" -D.K.
"The Comintern is the champagne of literature"-BMC
"A tiny BBS could use an attraction like The Comintern" -J.E.J.
"Magic on the screen"-Komrade B
"<Asked about political leaning> Well, none, but the Comintern is
cool!" -Demon Knight
"It interested me greatly to read the two articles you wrote
concerning Communism and ignorance inside the financial class
system. It was intriging and refreshing." -Lord Chunderspew
"If you want anyone to <join the revolution>, I'd do it."
-The Denominator
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website http://www.sfn.saskatoon.sk.ca/~ad357 |
| Email BMC at manta1@hotmail.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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#37-10/25/98
Copyright 1998 N-Com
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
Unauthorized use of any part of document is prohibited. All Rights Reserved.
