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The Neo-Comintern 019
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E-MAG
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The Neo-Comintern Installment 19
We are The 5th International
May 13th, 1998
Editor: BMC
Writers:
Gnarly Wayne
BMC
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Featured in this installment:
Brown Christmas- BMC
The DeeJay's Guide To Candy- Gnarly Wayne
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BROWN CHRISTMAS
By BMC
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women say that chocolate is like sex, but the only relation I can
see between them is that I have to pay for both. Since they are quite
expensive, I don't have either very often. And I have them both with my
girlfriend on the Easter weekend.
So what? Everyone eats chocolate at Easter. It's an Easter thing.
Is it just for Easter, though? I seem to recall people buying chocolate
back in February on St. Valentines Day. There is a conection here. Both
are Christian observances.
Feb 14th- fall in love, buy chocolate
Easter- Jesus dies and rises, buy chocolate
Oct 31st- celebrate Saint Pumpkin day, buy chocloate
Dec 25st- Jesus born, buy chocolate
Jan 1st- New Year celebration, eat chocolate left over from Christmas
This simply sucks. It is obviously a Christian conspiracy to sell
the chocolate of the lord. Catholocism is the only relegion to forcefully
promote seasonal caffeine indulgence. And alcohol abuse (see Jan 1st, March
17th).
Speaking of alcohol abuse, what's up with the priest kicking the
wine back up there on the stage in the middle of mass? He says it's God's
blood, or Jesus', or both, or neither, depending on what you believe. All
I have to say is if I were at the last supper and Jesus said "This is my
blood, drink it", and "This is my body, eat it", I'd say "Please, please
Jesus, don't tell me any more about it, I think I'm gonna sick up!".
So take this chocolate and eat it, my Komrades, this is your money,
the money of the new and everlasting Christian Reich. (aka Reform party
members from Preston Manning through Jean Chretien)
They say that chocolate causes acne. Is it true? I'm not sure, so
I think I'll create my own theory. People eat chocolate when they're under
stress, and stress leads to acne. Also mostly teeneagers eat chocolate
because it's easier to get a hold of than cigarettes, alcohol, or PCP, and
I'm going to personally kick the ass of the next person who says otherwise.
In short, caffeine in chocolate form is the one remaining drug
indulgence that the whole family can share. (unless you're inbred, then you
can probably still smoke opium with your grandad/brother, Jed)
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THE DEEJAY'S GUIDE TO CANDY
By Gnarly Wayne
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
We all loved it as kids, some of us even like it as adults. Monsters
in the camp get none. High ranking officers get more than enough.
Regardless of where you fit in on the candy ladder, we all agree that it
tastes fantastic (except for the monsters).
"But which candy should I get to satisfy mein sweet tooth, G.
Wayne?", you say. Well, it should go by appearance, sugar content, novelty,
and, of course, taste. Following is a ranking of some of the more popular
candy (and other assorted junk food). Choose for yourself.
Gummi Bears: Not only are these bears (a common mammal linked with
communism), but they are chewy and yummy. The original gummi bears, back in
da dayz, were only 1 single penny. A penny is nothing to an officer, but
lots to a peasant (and to monsters, but they can't buy candy anywayne). Now
the price is more expensive, due to a shift in military power and funds are
needed to replenish the communist stronghold. Not being satistfied with
small gummi bears, larger gummi bears came out that could take days to eat.
The thing is, I don't think I'd mind.
Rank: A-
Jawbreakers: The candy that you just suck and suck on until it is
small enough to shatter with your teeth. Try too soon, and your teeth fall
out. Jawbreakers had an alright taste, but then all these variants came out.
The worst of these are jawbreakers with gum in the middle. Not a bad idea,
if a normal person were to suck awayne all the hard stuff, then chew the
gum. But, alas, that never happened. What did happen, though, was you'd
break the hard part and then had little shards of hard shit and gum too.
Not a pleasent experience.
Rank: D
Skittles: Divine. 99% sugar packed with real fruit flavor. In
certain GM Of Reality's, this is also the source of his fireballs. If you see
Skittles available anywhere, purchase as many as you can. You never know
when a shortage may occur.
Rank: A++
Fun Dip: Not only 99.9% sugar, but fun to eat too! Fun Dip consists
of 2 packets of flavoured sugar, and a patented Lik-A-Stik(tm). You lick the
stick and dip it into the sugar. The sugar sticks to the salivated candy
stick and you stick it in your mouth. Repeated use has had the following
side effects:
- smiles
- corroded tongue
- sugar high
- queasiness if more than 1 pak a day is eated (unless you're a
small child)
For real fun, take the sugar paks, dump them into your mouth, then eat
the stick seperate.
Rank: A-
Potato Chips: Maybe this is just something you hear on the streets of
Kompton, but I heard potato chips aren't even 25% sugar. That's nuts!
There's also rumors that potatos have a little nutrition in them also because
they're made from these weird vegetables called potatoes. Yeah, they taste
good, but where's the heart?
Rank: C
Candy Paper: These were available a long time ago, pre-1990. It was
a thin sheet of candy that tasted like isht and gave no sugar high. Every
time I think of these market flops, I kick myself for wasting a thought.
Rank: F
Mars Bar: Who needs sugar injected directly into you when there's
Mars Bars around. These things are so damn sweet I have a hard time eating
an entire bar at one sitting. I used to be able to eat two or three of these
but I'm older now. Still, when I need some quick energy to outrun the long
arm of fascism, I gulp down a Mars bar.
Rank: B+
Nerds: Most people who probably be hesitant to buy these, thinking
"If I eat these, do I become a nerd?" or "Do only nerds like these?". The
answer for both of these is NO! Nerds are tasty little granules of hard
sugar that are sweet. Over the years, Nerds have been reformed into other
products, such as Dweebs and Punks, which are alright too. You can also order a
T-Shirt that says "I love Nerds", but do so at your own risk. You know what
I'm talking about.
Rank: B-
Oh Henry, Snickers, and the rest of the crap with peanuts in it:
Rank: D
Koo Koo Bars: Another oldie not available anymore. Koo Koo Bars were
a taffy-like substance made up the same stuff as Neopoltan ice cream. That's
right, vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. A great idea, but not so great a
taste. A little too waxy the wayne I remember it.
Rank: C+
Soft Drinks: Even though a liquid, I have heard that "pop" (as we
like to call it in the biz) has lots of sugar in it. This is great! I like
sugar. I like liquids. This should be the perfect thing for me.
Unfortunely, pop doesn't taste good without fizz and it's hard to keep the
fizz in when you shake the container before you drink it. Once I find a
wayne around this little problem, I'll let you know. Cola's also have
caffeine in them. Caffeine keeps you up and makes you more attractive to
other people. Also available is Jolt. It has so much caffeine your head
will explode. Great stuff. Pop naturally goes good with other sugar
products.
Rank: A
Bubble Gum: Only useful for popping your ears if you go too high up
or too low down in altitude. Seeing as how no real substance enters your
stomach, you can't get much sugar outta it. What's the point?
P.S. Breath freshing gums can increase chances of getting spanky.
Rank: C-
Sugar Daddies: Used to be the market leader, now is reduced to being
handed out on Halloween. I still like them, though. Thoroughly enjoyed by
pimps.
Rank: A-
Pure Sugar: Only to be used in desperate measures. You'd think that
pure sugar would be the best of all, but you'd be wrong. Try taking a handful
of sugar and shoving it in your mouth.
Rank: D+
So there's your candy buying guideline. Use it in good health (no,
wait, use it in bad health).
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
|Website http://ncom.base.org |
|Email BMC at manta1@hotmail.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright (c) 1998 Comintern Publications and BMC
All Rights Reserved. #19-5/12/98
