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The Lone Gunmen Issue 023
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| |_ | | _| | ______ ______
|___| | | |___| |_ _| / \
| | | | | /----\/
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| | | | | | ___
| | | | __ | | <_ | Issue #:023
_| |_ _| |_| | | \___/ | Date:11\17\95
|______| () |_________| () \________/ ()
_ / / \ \ _
/ _ / THE LONE GUNMEN Presents: \ _ \
| | | |
| | How To Act Like A Total Jerk | |
| | Written By: Mulder | |
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| \____________________________________/ |
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********************************STOP******************************************
*** In this day and age, anyone can get there hands on txt philez and that ***
*** means that even the YuppIe kids, who don't follow directions, can (and ***
*** will probly blow there faces,hands,fingers,noses,legs,nipples, and P-P ***
*** blown off, so befor you continue read the File "DISCLAIM.ER!" that was ***
*** included in the .ZIP file. it basicly says that you cant sew me if you ***
*** get fucked. **************************************************************
******************************************************************************
Most people don't need any help when it comes to acting
lame, but there's still a few Zorfs out there who could
use a crash course:
1: Signal left, turn right.
2: Read other people's mail.
3: If the mistake is in you favor,
don't try to correct it.
4: Use sexist innuendos to get
more attention.
5: Stand-up your date.
6: Slouch.
7: Wear jeans to weddings.
8: Park in the handicapped zone.
9: Don't sing your checks.
10: Remaind people that their
freckles could be cancerous.
11: Peel out always.
12: Tailgate the elderly.
13: Let the phone keep ringing.
14: Develop a truly foul mouth.
15: Don't leave a message.
16: Sleep until noon everyday.
17: Sneer at people who try hard.
18: Don't vote.
19: Pledge cash you won't send.
20: Argue with everybody.
21: Touch paintings in museums.
22: Record ocer borrowed tapes.
23: Nurture conspiracy theories.
24: Gamble with reny money.
25: Stay directly in front of or
behind emergency vechicles.
26: Cross at the red or yellow.
27: Don't make up your mind.
28: Toss things out the window.
29: Talk with your mouth full.
30: Ask if her diamond ring is real.
31: Serve corn on the cob to
people witth dentures.
32: Ask the stewardess a question
every five minutes.
33: Make jokes about terrorists at
the boarding gate.
34: Push all the elevator buttons.
35: Spot test "wet Paint" sings.
36: Goose the bride and groom.
37: Be judgmental.
38: Snap your gum.
39: Announce when you're going
to the bathroom.
40: Ignore deadlines.
41: Curse the umpirw at little
league games.
42: lie to you therapist and sit in
her chair.
43: Clip your nails in bed.
44: Quote Adoff Hitler.
45: Vividly describe a hysterectomy
when the entree arrives.
46: Scrawl your signature on
important documents.
47: Hand out business cards at
funerals.
48: Ride on the shoulder until you
pass all the traffic, then cut in.
49: Walk oit bulls without leashes.
50: Race old women for the last
bus seat.
51: Cause gridlock.
52: Put your initials in concrete.
53: Draw mustaches on posters.
54: Install a siren in your car.
55: When the collection basket is
passed to you, help yourself.
56: Quote Rush Limbaugh to feminists.
57: Never stop on one channel.
58: Kill small woodland animals.
59: Run a magnet over other peoples
computer disks.
60: Keep making collect calls to
every one.
