The Internet Sux Issue 06

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

The Internet Sux

 · 5 years ago

  

Issue 0006: "The gentle art of spamming"             The Internet Sux 
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The internet has brought us many things. 
Some good. Some bad and some Wonderful! 
One of those Wonderful things is spamming! 

		Imagine, sending out your message, no matter 
		how inane to thousands of people so dumb and 
		ignorant of the media that they are forced 
		to read! 

	Well IMAGINE NO MORE! The future is here, now! 

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Spam. 

 You've heard of it. You've even seen it in grocery stores. Ads 
 hanging from every wall and banister trying to get you to spend 
 just a little bit more of your money. If only, yes if only, you 
 could put that kind of power to work for you. Well you can. It 
 doesn't matter if your goal is to sell the new whisper3000 self 
 cleaning toilet cover or to harvest children for your colony, the 
 Internet is here for you! 

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First. 

 Well now that you know the Net is yours to do with as you please 
 you need a bit more info on what is and what isn't spam. Spam, or 
 helpful information as some call it, is when you send a message 
 to many email addresses or to many newsgroups at once. This is 
 actually quite trivial to do. First off give a call to this phone 
 number: 215/628.9780 and ask for help on spamming the net until 
 Kibo dies. Really thats it. That simple step will get your email 
 sent to hundreds of thousands of potential victims. I thought that 
 maybe I would have included a long rant here on the merits of 
 various spam kings but really, what's the point? CyberPromo is the 
 best.  

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Flame. 

 Okay if you've sent out your rant you have no doubt gotten many a 
 flame now. Many. Many a flame. How do you deal with such? Well there 
 are a couple of methods: 

1) Claim ignorance. "I didn't know this newsgroup wasn't for talking 
   about building your own clam farm!!!! IM SORRY!!" or "I thought 
   even militant feminists would be interested in young sexy teen-age 
   cheerleaders! Guess I won't do you guys any more favours!!!" 
2) Claim hacked. "Someone /HIJACKED/HACKED/COMPROMISED/ my account 
   and used it to spam you guys!!!! IM SORRY!!!!!" 
3) Ignore flames. Simply ignore the flames and filter them out to 
   /dev/null... of course these could be future customers! 
4) Flame back. "THE INTERNET IS FREE AND I AM USING FREE SPEECH SO 
   LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FASCIST COMMUNIST PINKOS!!!! IF I WANT TO SELL 
   THE MAGNADUSTER 87K HERE THEN I WILL!!!!! FUCK IU!!!@#!@#" 

 All methods get about the same result. Choose the one that best 
 effects your Karma. 

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Down. 

 Depression set in? from your horrible spamming? Just recall these 
 little tidbits of wisdom from CyberPromo themselves: 
 (http://www.cyberpromo.com/) 

   "SPAMford and SON" say: "One man's junk is another man's treasure." 
                          
   "SON of SPAM" says: "Sending an email advertisement isn't first degree 
    murder!" 

    SPAMford says: 
    > "If you burn down our house, 
    > we will build a new castle"  
  
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this space reserved for a limited edition of tis.0006 in which LUK3 
will be seen battling John Tesh to the death tentatively called 
"Chords of Love and Destruction". 

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The Internet Sux (0006)                   (c) 1997 y (juuri@well.com) 
All references URLs are (c) their respective authors, or something.