Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
The Humus Report Issue 02
============================================================================
********* *** *** ******
********* *** *** *** *
*** *** *** *** **
*** ********* *******
*** *** *** *** **
*** *** *** *** **
*** he *** *** umus *** ** eport
THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth
in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s.
Issue 002, Vol I
March 1988
copyright (c) 1988
caren park
chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff
all rights reserved, and all that other stuff
============================================================================
An Introduction Would Be In Order:
Hello, there, fellow friends of weird. We are very happy to bring
to you the strangest and most absurd that we can find in a format pleasing
to the inquiring mind. We will attempt to bring to you items of focus,
items for the discriminating thought process that some of us have (usually
after we order a Whopper with anything on it), items with little social
redeeming value. These are our goals, and we wish you to become a small
part in this orchestration.
If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other
use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will
take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line
litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus
Report, we'd appreciate it. Our address will be given to you near the end
of our report. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and
denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to
you...
We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material
for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us
to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted
material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate
actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel
appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after
month...
We would also appreciate it if you would distribute this newsletter far and
wide, to the six corners of the world, to the heights and depths your soul can
reach, the ends of the universe, and even to Encino, California, if you should
happen to be down there before I... The only restriction I make upon its
distribution is that NO CHARGE, zero, zilch, nil, none, all of the above, NO
CHARGE will be made for this newsletter unless I receive 100% of that
charge... This means, NO CHARGE for diskette distribution, NO CHARGE for
inclusion with other junk, NO CHARGE for access, etc... As I am insured by
the Guido and Vittorio Pin-Stripe Violin Case Maker Insurance Company, I hope
there will be no exceptions...
I also have a program called CKP-MSG.ARC which contains virtually
everything you will see here and then some. For a nominal cost per year, I
will provide the latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest
updates of the datafile to you... address inquiries about this program
and/or the datafile to the address near the end of our report...
This show can thank the following people: caren park (chief bottle
washer and etc), Jeanie Wilson (Sure Signs That You've Hit Bottom), Tim
Joseph (the Unified Field Theory), the people in charge of the "Today"
program, and another cast of few... So, without further adieu, on with the
show...
============================================================================
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."
============================================================================
March, it appears, is the month you will want to have been born in
if you have an aspirations of becoming a musician or an artist. If you
weren't, blame your parents. It's all their fault.
Non-Humus-breeders born during March include Frederic Chopin (01 Mar
1810), Antonio Vivaldi (04 Mar 1678), Maurice Ravel (07 Mar 1875), Georg
Philipp Telemann (14 Mar 1681), Albert Einstein (14 Mar 1879), Nat King Cole
(17 Mar 1919), and Johann Sebastian Bach (21 Mar 1685).
However, it's Amazing BUT True! March is chock full of people that
were born during this month, and more than a few of them did their best to
provide the rest of the world with pure and unadulterated humus. We honor
these folk for their contributions to the known world of today...
Prince Henry the Navigator (04 Mar 1394) sponsored Portuguese
voyages of discovery, which eventually led to Christopher Columbus and
Little Richard and Ronald Reagan (well, two out of three ain't bad...);
Karl Ferdinand von Grafe (08 Mar 1787) helped create modern plastic surgery,
thus breaking ground for what is present-day downtown Beverly Hills, thus
giving Phyllis Diller something to do on weekends (don't you like doing
connect-the-dots with history?); Leonard "I am NOT Spock, but they keep
throwing obscene amounts of money at me so I keep doing it" Nimoy (26 Mar
1931); and, Vincent van Gogh (30 Mar 1853), the first well-known artist who
obeyed Marc Antony's admonition to lend an ear... it's not known WHO he
lent it to, however...
March events include The Return of the Buzzards to Hinckley Ohio
(every Ides of March); St Patrick's Day (the chance for all to imbibe well
beyond their limits), and Evacuation Day (does anyone in Boston know why?)
on the 17th; The Swallows Make A Mess of San Juan Capistrano on the 19th;
and, the celebration of life with the first day of Spring AND the start of
the Persian New Year occur on the 21st...
Remember when: First Class postage was raised from 8 to 10 cents
(02 Mar 1974), and from 15 to 18 cents (22 Mar 1981)? Pioneer 10 was
launched on the 3rd, 1972? Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC) introduced
the PDP-11 computer on the 13th, 1970?
Congress creates the Territory of Nevada (02 Mar 1861). Later,
Congress tries to disappear the State of Nevada with nuclear testing...
Patrick Henry asks for "Liberty or Death" (23 Mar 1775). He should have
asked for "Liberty or Something Else"... Cocaine hits the big-time with
Coca-Cola (29 Mar 1886)... And, 30 Mar 1853 sees a patent granted to Hyman
Lipman for a pencil with an eraser!
Oh, yeah. For those of you with signs of insecurity:
Pisces : Avoid extravagant emotions. You do not fare well in a
subordinate position. Let your boss out of that closet before you do
something he'll long regret...
- caren park, 10 Nov 1985 -
For what it's worth...
============================================================================
"What makes Teflon (r) stick to the pan?"
============================================================================
When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation,
the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before
she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped
the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a
tonsillectomy!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This test will show you just how "pure" you really are. Hopefully,
there are more than a few of you that will pass this test.
Perhaps it should be given to our presidential candidates, and the
one amongst them who scores the best should be given the job? :)
--- --- --- --- ---
PERSONAL PURITY TEST
Score by counting every "NO" as one point. "MPS" = Member of the
Preferred Sex. "HSI" = Had Sexual Intercourse. All Sexual activity
questions must be scored after puberty.
Have you ever:
1. had an erection (clitoral or penial)
2. told a dirty joke to a MPS
3. had a date
4. been out on a date past 4am
5. had a blind date
6. danced cheek to cheek
--- ---
the suction section
--- ---
7. kissed a MPS
8. kissed a MPS in the horizontal position
9. kissed a MPS within last 3 months
10. kissed underwater
11. been french-kissed
12. kissed a MPS on the thigh
13. kissed/been kissed by a MPS on the breast
14. necked
15. necked for more than 2 hrs continuously
16. come while necking
--- ---
want a piece of candy, little one?
--- ---
17. seen a naked MPS over age 15
18. been seen naked by an MPS after puberty
19. seen a stripper
20. read a porno book or magazine
21. seen a porno movie
22. committed an act of voyeurism
--- ---
you like the candy, little one?
--- ---
23. had an alcoholic drink
24. been drunk
25. used alcohol to lower MPS's resistance to sex
26. smoked tobacco
27. smoked marijuana or hashish
28. used a stronger drug
29. been arrested
30. been convicted of a crime
--- ---
temperature rising?
--- ---
31. had breasts fondled or fondled breasts of MPS
32. caressed a MPS's thigh
33. fondled a MPS's ass
34. fondled a MPS's genitals
35. had your genitals fondled
36. had a clitorial stimulation (co-ed)
37. had an orgasm due to manipulation by a MPS
38. gone through motions of sex fully dressed
39. massaged or been massaged by a MPS
40. showered, bathed or used a sauna with a MPS
41. undressed a MPS
42. been undressed by a MPS
--- ---
oh wow...
--- ---
43. had sexual intercourse (HSI)
44. HSI outdoors
45. HSI more than 10 times
46. HSI with a virgin
47. HSI three or more times in one night
48. HSI in three or more positions
49. HSI in a car
50. HSI with two MPS within 24 hours
51. HSI using a condom
52. HSI at a drive-in Movie
53. HSI at the MPS's House
54. HSI within last 3 months
55. HSI continuously for 1/2 hour
--- ---
uh oh...
--- ---
56. had anal intercourse
57. impregnated a women or been pregnant
58. arranged or had an abortion
59. gone on, or been the object of a sex run of over 100 miles
60. described a sexual experience to a third party
61. committed incest
62. attended an orgy
63. committed statutory rape
64. committed forcible rape or been forcibly raped
65. propositioned by a prostitute or a pimp
66. accepted proposition by a prostitute or pimp
--- ---
is that hair on your palms?
--- ---
67. engaged in fellatio
68. engaged in cunnilingus
69. gone "69"
70. masturbated
71. masturbated with another person in room
72. masturbated to a picture
73. been caught masturbating
74. watched another person masturbate
--- ---
robertson/falwell hell...
--- ---
75. been propositioned by a homosexual
76. accepted the proposition of a homosexual
77. been masturbated by a member of the same sex
78. orally stimulated a member of the same sex
79. HSI with a homosexual MPS
--- ---
mi casa y su casa...
--- ---
80. lived in a co-ed room with three or more occupants
81. committed an "oops" (walking in on people HSI)
82. been displaced by a MPS staying with roommate for >= 1 night
83. spent a night in a MPS's room or apartment
84. slept with a MPS
--- ---
living "dangerously"...
--- ---
85. golden showered a MPS
86. wrestled a MPS
87. had or caused a Wasserman test due to reasonable suspicion
88. had VD
89. had passion cramps
90. fondled a MPS under 13
91. worn a MPS's clothes
92. committed bestiality
93. tasted semen
94. simulated sex with an inanimate object
95. played co-ed strip poker
96. picked up a MPS
97. had an orgasm in a dream
98. experimented sexually before puberty
99. bought contraceptives in a drug store
100. committed an act of exhibitionism
And now, the main question is: How did you do?
Remember: There are no incorrect answers to any of the questions
posed above. However, a score of more than 85 means you aren't upholding
your end of the sexual revolution, and may be in need of practice or a new
set of morals... :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Achilles' Biological Findings:
.1. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks
like a neighbor, that's environment
.2. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first ---
the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster
============================================================================
This next piece would be funny, if it weren't almost truth... One
of our presidential candidates for 1988, the good Senator Albert Gore Jr,
Democrat for the South, married a lady named Mary Elizabeth, nicknamed
"Tipper" some time ago; sorry, we were unable to find out why to either of
your unasked questions. Though she certainly doesn't look like a dog, and
as of last report, doesn't come when whistled at, her very thoughts were on
censorship not too long ago, and the following portrays an "artist's
conception" of those thoughts...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tipper Gore's Diary
SPIN magazine, sometime late 1985
Dear Diary:
What a busy day! This morning, I chaired another meeting of the
Parents Music Resource Center Rock Archives Committee. Keeping sex and
violence out of records and off videos was just our first goal - that was
hard enough! Expunging this filth from the very annals of history is really
a big job!
Last week, you'll remember, we banned "Work With Me, Annie" by the
Midnighter, because it has lines like "Annie please don't cheat, give me all
my meat." We also banned their "Sexy Ways", which has such lines as "Upside
down, all around/Any old way, just pound, pound, pound." Hard to believe
the man who wrote these songs also wrote "The Twist" (note to self: review
Chubby Checker).
After that we listened to a song the Treniers recorded in 1952
called "Poon-Tang"! I can't imagine what they thought they were getting
away with! "I got a yen that I'm dyin' to please till I get weak in the
knees / Gonna get me that poon-tang! Poon-tang, poon-tang, poon-tang"! How
were these young men brought up? Of course we banned it. Then we banned
"Cow Cow Boogie" by Ella Mae Morse, "Drinkin' Wine, Spo-Dee-O-Dee" by Stick
McGhee, lots of stuff by Big Joe Turner, and this terrible record by the
Dominos called "Sixty Minute Man" about some goof who boasts he can maintain
the sex act for an hour. (Isn't that a hoot! Who has the time?)
Then we banned Jimmy Lloyd's "I Got a Rocket in My Pocket", the
Invictas' "Do the Hump", Bullmoose Jackson's "Big Ten Inch Record", the
Versatones' "Tight Skirt, Tight Sweater", the Toppers' "Baby, Let Me Bang
Your Box", and the Elcords' "Peppermint Stick". That's the song where the
words, "Peppermint Stick, eat my dick" keep being repeated. It's awful how
that just sticks in your head.
We got rid of "Big Legged Woman" by Jerry Lee Lewis and "Can't Get
Enough of That Stuff" by Julia Lee, which has all sorts of smutty lyrics
such as "Julia always likes her men and whiskey straight." Then we tossed
Gene Vincent's "Woman Love", with lines like "I'm lookin' for a woman with a
one-track mind / A-fuggin' and a-kissin'and a-smoochin' all the time." This
was on the flip side of "Be-Bop-a-Lula", which is pretty fishy itself. Then
we banned a bunch of songs by Wanda Jackson, like "Let's Have a Party",
"Mean, Mean Man", and "Fujiyama Mama", in which she sings, "I been to
Nagasaki, Hiroshima too / The things I did to them, baby, I can do to you /
Cause I'm a Fujiyama Mama and I'm about to blow my top / And when I start
eruptin', ain't nobody gonna make me stop." Somebody said Wanda became a
born-again Christian. I wonder if the Lord thinks that's enough.
We started off banning just "Good Golly, Miss Molly","Tutti Frutti",
and "Long Tall Sally" by Little Richard, but then we figured, the heck with
it, let's ban everything he did. Similarly, we were just going to ban "Get
Up, I Feel Like being a Sex Machine" by James Brown, but then we decided
since he exudes such primal sexual energy, we ought to ban all his stuff.
On that basis, out went everything by Wilson Pickett and Tina Turner, and on
one member's heartrending testimony, Bobby Sherman. Then somebody mentioned
that she heard Joni Mitchell slept around alot, so we chucked all her songs,
too. All that work left us pretty tuckered out, but we knew we hadn't even
scratched the surface, so we met bright and early this morning and really
got to work.
We banned Lou Christie's "Rhapsody in the Rain" because the BBC
banned it, and their word is good enough for us. We banned Ray Charles' "I
Got a Woman" and a bunch of Chuck Berry songs like "Reelin' and Rockin'" and
"My Ding-a-Ling", and "Wake Up, Little Susie" by the Everly Brothers,
because we didn't buy their story that they were just sleeping (if you're
that tired, go to bed. Don't tell me Susie, Phil, and Don all dozed off at
the same second). We banned the Knack's "Good Girls Don't", Joan Jett's "Do
You Want to Touch Me", Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls", and Bob Seger's "Night
Moves." We banned Simon and Garfunkel's "Cecila" because the title
character engages in casual sex and Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl" because
the boy and the girl make love behind the stadium.
We banned "Louie, Louie" by the Kingsmen. Yes, we know that when
the song came out, the FCC investigated it for obscenity and found it
"unintelligible at any speed." But that's precisely the problem. Even if
it's not obscene, it gives the kids a chance to use their imaginations.
We banned Mark Dinning's "Teen Angel", Ray Peterson's "Tell Laura I
Love Her", "Last Kiss" by J Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers, and "Leader of
the Pack" by the Shangri-Las. They represent a cult of romantic violent
death.
We banned "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Bob Dylan. I mean, if
we banned "We're Not Going to Take It" by Twisted Sister, we had to get rid
of songs that are >really< contemptuous of authority.
After lunch, we banned Dylan's "Lay, Lady, Lay", Mel and Tim's
"Backfield in Motion", "Hanky Panky", and "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tommy
James and the Shondells, Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side", "Will You Still
Love Me Tomorrow" by the Shirelles, Peter and Gordon's "Lady Godiva", Meat
Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" (this has certainly changed my
opinion of Phil Rizzutto), "Lola" by the Kinks, and "This Girl Is a Woman
Now" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. We banned Billy Paul's "Me and Mrs
Jones" because it glorifies adultery. We banned the Commodore's "Three
Times A Lady" (imagine that nice Lionel Richie being involved in something
like that!). We banned Lee Dorsey's "Ride Your Pony" because of the lines
"Now get on your pony and ride. Now, shoot! Shoot!" Oh, I'd like to rub
that smirk off that Dorsey man's face!
We had to ban Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" even though it's good
aerobicise music.
We also spent some time on "A Brand New Key" by Melanie. Frankly, I
didn't see what was wrong with it. Then someone suggested that I should
think of the key as Albert's p. and that I should think of myself as the
roller skate, with a little hole where the key goes... well say no more!
The things these people try to pull!
We devoted the rest of the day to listening to everything by Aretha
Franklin, Mitch Ryder, and the Rolling Stones. We had to ban nearly all of
it. The stuff was either too juvenile or too mature. We had a big debate
about how bad the phrase "sock it to me" could be, since President Nixon
said it on Laugh-In. But then someone told us that her college roommate had
a boyfriend who told her that "sock it to me" was what black men said to
black women when they wanted to have sex, so we concluded Mr Nixon was just
trying to win black votes. We discussed "Honky Tonk Women", and whether the
line was "she blew my nose", which would be OK, or "she blew my hose", which
would be something very different. We just banned it all.
This is exhausting and sordid work, and sometimes I regret having
taken it on. I would much rather be spending the afternoon at home, tending
my rosebushes and catering to Albert's big contributors. But I am certain I
am doing the right thing. Next week we are going to devote our whole
session to the Captain and Tenille. I feel bad, because they seem like such
nice people. He wears that funny hat and she sings the National Anthem at
Dodger games, and looks so wholesome. But they did record "Do That to Me
One More Time" (you know - "Once is never enough with a man like you").
We're going to see if we can approve the song by coming up with a "that"
that would fit the song, and not be the "that" that we really know it is.
Until next time,
T
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the
people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Castrate extremists!
============================================================================
Clarke's Third Law:
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
G's Third Law:
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is
composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit
H's Dictum:
There is no magic
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"'Once ze rockets go up, who cares vere zey come down,
'That's not my department,' says Wernher von Braun"
- Tom Lehrer -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unified Field Theory
In the beginning there was Aristotle
And objects at rest tended to stay at rest,
And objects in motion tended to come to rest,
And soon everything was at rest,
And God saw it was boring.
Then God created Newton,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
But objects in motion tended to remain in motion,
And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and matter was
conserved.
And God saw it was conservative.
Then God created Einstein,
And everything was relative,
And fast things became short,
And straight things became curved,
And the universe was filled with inertial frames,
And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was
especially relative.
Then God created Bohr,
And there was the principle,
And the principle was quantum,
And all things were quantified,
But some things were still relative,
And God saw that it was confusing.
Then God was going to create Furgeson,
And Furgeson would have unified,
And he would have fielded a theory,
And all would have been one,
But it was the seventh day,
And God rested,
And objects at rest tend to remain at rest
- Tim Joseph -
============================================================================
And now, for the news... All of the news this month will be true,
just as it came off the wire into our editing room. None of the facts have
been changed to protect the innocent, or anyone else for that matter...
Behold...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A House wag from California introduced a bill Friday to create
"Reagan's Rough Riders," an expeditionary force of volunteers to keep the
Panama Canal open in case the new treaties are not ratified and hostilities
break out. The bill, sponsored by Representative John L Burton (D-Cal),
calls for commissioning former California Governor Ronald Reagan as a
colonel in the Army and giving him a white horse on which to lead his "Rough
Riders" into combat. However, if Reagan preferred to remain at headquarters
in the rear, he would have to supply his own white horse, according to the
legislation.
Burton, a San Franciscan given to flights of whimsy, supports the
Senate ratification of the new pacts to replace the Panama Canal Treaty of
1903. The 1903 treaty was signed by then-President Theodore Roosevelt, who
led the famed charge by "volunteer Rough Riders" up San Juan Hill in Cuba
during the Spanish-American War. Reagan is a leader of the opposition to
the new canal treaties being drawn up in both the House and the Senate
- Washington Times -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A judge in Leeds, England, ruled that a man would have to pay
$131.60 in telephone calls charged to his wife. The calls were made by his
wife's lover from Paris. Collect
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter sent c/o the LA Times has been forwarded to Ruth (Spaceship
Ruthie) Norman, the San Diego-area woman who has bet a London bookmaking
firm $6,000 against 100-1 odds that a spaceship will land on earth before 30
September 1977. The letter's return address says "Starship Tad".
Encouraging news? Well, it was postmarked Orange, California
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From a NASA letter on procurement policy, page 2 NASAHQ 286 unclas:
"The purpose of this message is to provide clarification, on an
interim basis, to be followed until such time as PRD 70-15 is formally
revised. Note that this interim guidance on the conduct of discussions is
not repeat not a change in policy or concept; it is solely clarification,
and should be so construed. While the clarification is presented in the
form of a partial revision of PRF70-15, this does not necessarily mean that
formal revision will follow the same format or composition; but rather it
is so presented so that it may be read in context with 70-15, which, of
course, remains effective. The affected part of 70-15 is paragraph iii.
D(2) covering conduct of discussions in cost-reimbursement type contracts
and all R & D-type contracts"
- 1987 -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The University of New Hampshire at Durham has barred one of its
students from keeping a boa constrictor in his dormitory room. The student
said the action is unfair.
Thomas Keegan, 22, of Laconia (NH), has owned "Squeeze" for nine
years. He said the university was discriminating against his snake because
it permits other animals that live in cages to stay in the dormitories.
"Snakes, on the basis of noise and smell, adapt perfectly to dorm life,"
said Keegan. He added that Squeeze could also be kept in a cage, and that
the six-foot snake would be less likely to spread diseases than gerbils,
rats, birds and turtles. A zoology professor at the university confirmed
that most diseases from snakes can't be transmitted to humans.
Nevertheless, Keegan said, he was told to remove the snake from the
dorm. He said he had been keeping Squeeze in a converted TV set with two
padlocks on it. Keegan also said that he kept the snake locked up to keep
people from injuring him
- March 1978 Redwood Times -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
DEMON COMPUTER
Officials of a large bank have called in exorcists to rid a
possessed computer terminal of the demon that killed two workers and put
another in a coma.
"It sounds absurd and superstitious in these days to talk about
demonic possession, but we have no other explanation," said Jorge Montalabo,
vice president of customer relations at the bank in Valparaiso, Chile.
"In just five months since the terminal was installed, three
operators were stricken while at its keyboard.
"Our employees refuse to work with it and fear that if the terminal
is removed the demon inside will slip into the entire computer system."
The terminal, consisting of a TV screen and keyboard, was one of 13
installed in the bank along with a new $7.3 million computer system, said
Montalabo.
Two weeks after she began working with it, Luisa Morello, a 27-year-
old mother of two, was found sitting before the video screen, her mouth open
and an empty look in her eyes. She was rushed to a hospital where she
remains --- in a brain-dead coma, said Montalabo.
Two other women also worked with the terminal. Each was found by
co-workers slumped over the keyboard --- dead. Doctors said the first died
of a massive stroke.
No one knows what killed the other, a 22-year-old girl with no
medical problems. Baffled doctors who performed an autopsy labeled her
death as due to "mysterious circumstances," he said.
"At first, we decided to just remove the terminal," said Montalabo.
"But the workman who came to carry it away fainted when he tried to unplug
it from the system.
"Luckily, he revived a few minutes later. But our employees began
calling the terminal cursed by the devil and possessed. A spokesman for the
workers said they will all quit unless holy men are brought in to vanquish
the evil within the device."
Montalabo said the bank has sent for three Inca spirit-breakers who
live high in the Andes, 200 miles from the city. Meanwhile, the terminal
has been cordoned off and the terrified bank workers give it a wide berth.
"If the exorcism doesn't work and someone else dies while using the
terminal, we'll have to scrap all of our computers and spend millions
getting a new system," said Montalabo.
"Otherwise, no one will work here"
- 03 March 1987 Weekly World News -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alma, Arkansas, the self-proclaimed spinach capital of the world, is
preparing for its first festival celebrating the leafy green stuff that made
Popeye great.
An 8-foot statue of Popeye the Sailor will be unveiled and dedicated
in time for the city's May 16-18 Spinach Festival
- 21 March 1987 Seattle Times -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cartoon in the Wall Street Journal: Nurse holding phone, to doctor:
"It's a nostalgia buff. He wants to know if you make house calls"
============================================================================
And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that man
does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with
these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than I, "I am
non-denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts
and empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think?
If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here,
and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your
non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to:
caren park
2557 Fourteenth Avenue West
Suite 501
Seattle, Washington 98119
(01 January 1992)
We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for
our survival...
Our next issue will be out near the end of the second week in
March, and we'll cover Holy Sperm and ask your advise on the "Best of",
listen to an excellent bit of radio with KGFO-AM & FM, and we'll throw in
several other items of merit, just for good measure...
We leave you now with a few thoughts...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sure Signs That You've Hit Rock Bottom
The cat prefers living with your next-door neighbor
There's another woman, when >you're< the other woman
Your psychiatrist asks you to find another doctor --- you depress
him too much
You spend Saturday night watching a Love Boat rerun while sifting
through a box of Raisin Bran for the raisins
- Jeanie Wilson, Cosmopolitan October 1987 (p322) -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between
...until next month...
