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The Humus Report Issue 11
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THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth
in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s.
Issue 011, Vol III #01
January 1990
copyright (c) 1990
caren park
chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff
all rights reserved, and all that legal rigamarole
============================================================================
A very few words:::
Again, sorry that I've been away from writing for so long (last
issue was april 89), but spending a lot of time away from home can
sometimes do that to a person... There are literally megabytes of input
saved between the last issue and this, giving us many more months of
masterful mirth once I get around to putting it into a format that is
functional and etc...
This means "The Humus Report" is still alive and in no apparent
danger of going down permanently unless I die or the world turns humourless
for months on end... While General Bush and his trusty sidekick, "Pancho"
Quayle deal marked cards to the world at large, I'll be out there reporting
on it all, the bizarre, the unusual, the words straight from the horse's
(pick an end, any end)... Who knows? Some of it might even be true... :)
We can thank "The Words for Today, Boys and Girls" (listen for Jack
Nicholson doing his Mr Rogers imitation in the background), Murphy, Durham
(North Carolina), a cast of tens, legislators everywhere, and Burger King
for making it exceptionally easy to find good fertilizings...
So, without further adieu, on with the show...
============================================================================
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."
============================================================================
No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-
laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange
Corollary:
Don't try it; you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze to get
even before the liver fails
- Jackson Clark -
-----
The words George Carlin made famous are words that virtually
everyone has heard, words virtually every one of us has *used* from time to
time, some of us more often than others. They are not "politic" words,
though, and that sometimes bothers me. Why should such useful words find
such hypocrisy over their use?
For those of you nestled in places where "such words" are deemed
inappropriate, I will play the hypocrite and allow you the use of the
following list when those words become truly necessary...
-----
Management wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel, that
some individuals have been using abusive language in the exchange of normal
verbal communications with relation to the performance of routine
activities.
This code list is provided to permit individual freedom and
originality of our fellow employees to alleviate frustration and provide a
clearer, precise, and effective means of communicatoin to one another and
not offend those individuals with sensitive ears that may be within hearing
distance.
To preclude mistaking the communication codes with department
numbers and telephone extensions, management has assigned 800 and 900
numbers to be utilized for your convenience and clarity.
801: You've got to be shitting me
802: Get off my fucking back
803: Beats the shit out of me
804: What the fuck
805: It's so fucking bad, I can't believe it
806: I hate this fucking place
807: This place sucks
808: Fuck you very much
809: Lovely. Simply, fucking lovely
810: That damn Club
811: Beautiful, just fucking beautiful
812: Fuck, shit, piss
813: Hair pie, fur burgers
814: I just got fucked
815: Big fucking deal
816: Hang it in your fucking ear
817: Get bent
819: I don't give a shit
820: Merry fucking Christmas
821: Fuck it, just fuck it
822: Hot shit
823: Bitching
824: Tell someone who gives a shit
825: Don't get fucking wise
826: I don't give a fuck
827: Pardon me, sir, you obviously mistook me for someone who
gives a shit
828: I didn't design the fucking thing, I just bought the Mother-
fucker
829: Your ass sucks wind
830: It won't fucking work
831: Go pound sand in your ass
832: Fuck off
833: Who called this fucking meeting?
834: No shit
835: No fucking shit
836: Go to hell
837: Cool it, this is my wife/husband; Follow my lead
837: I'm free this weekend
838: Take your time, I don't want to be stuck with this ass for
lunch
839: Help me dump this mother
840: Let's ball at lunch
900: I'm free tonight
901: Tied up with wife/husband tonight
902: Call me at home to come back to work
903: Call back later, my husband/wife is listening
904: Let's take off sick together
905: Meet you at the motel
906: Let's snag them for tonight
907: Can't do better for now...
908: Let's trade balling partners
909: Is he/she available?
910: Muddy field, couldn't play
911: Where the fuck are we?
912: Too fucking cold
913: Tough shit
914: Tough shit, people in hell want ice water
915: You're fucking fired
916: Maintain a low profile
917: Blow it out your ass
918: If you don't like my face, piss on it
919: Fucked beyond all repair
920: Un-fucking-believable
921: Adios, Mother-fucker!
922: Fuck you
923: Fuuuuuuck!!!!
924: What the fuck?
925: Fuck me running in the morning
927: If you don't like my face, fuck it
928: Well, you know what Grandma says...
929: Grandma says, "Fuck ya if you can't take a joke"
930: Look at the fucking head on that one
931: Not only no, but HELL NO!
Total cooperation of all personnel in this project will be greatly
appreciated, for without it 915, 834!
Remember: 830 without TEAMWORK!!!
Sincerely,
The Fucking Management
-----
Editor's Note: Of course, there is also the following, for those that may
not have understood any of the previous... :)
-----
Will You Just Fuckin' Read This, Please?
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the
English language today is the word "fuck." It is one magical word which,
JUST BY ITS SOUND, can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. "Fuck"
comes from the German word "Frigon," meaning "whoopee."
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can
be used as a verb, transitive ("John fucked Mary") and intransitive ("Mary
was fucked"), as a noun ("Mary is a fine fuck"), and as an adjective ("Mary
is fucking rad").
From this, you can see that there are not many words with the
versatility of "fuck." Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can
be used to describe many situations, such as:
Aggression Fuck you!
Confusion What the fuck?
Curiosity What the fuck IS it?
Desire I'd love to fuck HER!
Despair Fucked again.
Difficulty Fuck it, Shit!
Dismay Oh, fuck it!
Displeasure What the fuck is going on?
Fraud I got fucked!
Incompetence He's all fucked up!
Laziness He's a fuck off!
Over-partying I'm WAY too fucked up!
Passivity Fuck me!
Partying Let's get fucked up!
Philosophical Who gives a fuck?
Pleasure That's fuckin' great!
Rebellion I don't give a fuck!
Sexuality What a great fuck!
Size/Surprise Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!
Trouble I guess I'm fucked now!
It can be used:
to describe ANATOMY: He's really a fucking asshole!
to tell TIME: It's five-fucking-thirty!
in BUSINESS: How did I get this fucking job?
MATERNALLY: He's a fucking asshole!
NAUTICALLY: Fuck the Admiral!
POLITICALLY: Fuck Reagan!
to start FRIENDSHIPS: Let's fuck, bitch!
in FINANCE: Here's your five fucking bucks!
in PSYCHOLOGY: He's fucking crazy!
The mind boggles at the many more creative forms of this multi-
functional word. How can anyone be offended when you say "fuck?"
So today, tell someone... FUCK YOU!
-----
When I grow up, my bad checks are gonna have higher numbers
- Paul Carpentier, 07 March 1989 05:11 -
============================================================================
Looking at my watch, I noticed that it was "Sick Joke Time!" If any
of you have contributions you can make to "Sick Joke Time," please send them
along... See the end of the newsletter for more details...
-----
A nun walks into a liquor store, walks up to the counter and says to
the cashier, "I want a bottle of your strongest Vodka, please"
The man seems somewhat shocked and replies with, "But sister, isn't
that kind of strong drink for someone of your order?"
The nun replies with, "Oh no. It's not for me! It's for the poor
dear Mother Superior. It's to clear her constipation."
The man is relieved, and wraps the bottle up for the nun and wishes
her a good day. A few hours later, he closes up the shop, and starts on his
way home. He walks a few blocks, when he happens to stumble upon the nun,
laying next to a building, with the bottle of vodka in her hand. He runs up
to her an exclaims, "Dear sister, I thought you said that the bottle of
booze was for your poor Mother Superior's constipation?"
"It is," the nun manages to slur.
"So why are you drinking it," asks the obviously confused man.
"Are you stupid? Do you realize what she is going to do when she
SEES me like this?"
============================================================================
No man can possibly improve in any company for which he has not
respect enough to be under some degree of restraint
- Chesterfield -
-----
Problem: The question arose while poring over the following cash
register receipt from Burger King, "Why is the word 'WHOPPER' misspelled?":
,-------------------------,
| |
| BR KING 1909 |
| 16 F E B 13:18 |
| |
| |
| 1 WHOPER 1.40 |
| *** ONL Y |
| K O |
| 1 CHICKEN 1.79 |
| 1 EAT IN .00 |
| 1 FRIES .52 |
| 1 PEPS L .70 |
| 1 DIET L .70 |
| TX .31 |
| 32 TOTAL 5 5.42 |
| |
| |
| |
| CASH 6.00 |
| RET URN .58 |
| |
'-------------------------'
Hypotheses:
.1. Fields are a maximum of 6 characters long.
Rejected: 'CHICKEN' extends into column 7.
.2. Whoever programmed the system can't spell properly.
Rejected: Burger King management would damn well make sure
that the names of their products were spelled correctly. Also, other
anomalies exist, i.e., the blanks in the words "ONLY" and "RETURN," and the
left margin is ragged.
.3. Burger King cash registers can only print certain characters in
certain columns, forcing the odd spelling and odd format. This hypothesis
seems to have the most merit. The original receipt shows that the printing
mechanism prints characters from fully-formed images, not in a dot-matrix
form. Thus we can visualize the print mechanism as consisting of a rotating
wheel for each column. Since to fit all 36 alphamers on each wheel would
probably give them too great a diameter to be practical, only a selected
subset of the letters are put on each wheel, and the spelling and
positioning of the item names has to be adjusted to fit this scheme.
It would appear that Burger King even chooses the names for new
products with the design of their cash registers in mind. For example,
their fish sandwich is called the "Whaler," which is easily printed using
the W, H, E, and R from 'WHOPER', the A from 'EAT IN' and the 'L' from 'ONL
Y'. However, it could just have easily been called 'FISH' by taking the F
in 'FRIES', the I in 'DIET', and the S and H from 'CASH', so it appears that
even this hypothesis is a little weak.
Any other hypotheses and further research by readers would be
welcomed...
Received: by MAINE id 1110; Fri, 01 Mar 85 05:59:35 EST
Subject: The reason why WHOPPER is spelled WHOPER
To: Brent Britton <BRENT@MAINE>
From: Barry D. Gates <CS23124@MAINE>
Date: Fri, 1 Mar 1985 04:53 EST
It has come to my attention that a great furor has been aroused in
the field of computer academia over the spelling of the word WHOPPER on
receipts from Burger King. First of all, it should be pointed out that I do
not, as a normal matter of habit, frequent such substandard eateries as this
when a choice does exist, but at one occasion I did happen to stop into one
of fast food establishments with several of my academic colleagues during
this past summer and we happened to notice these strange encryptic
printouts.
After staring at these strange writings for a few minutes we noticed
the similarity between our cash receipts and xediting a file that had been
sent from a Vax (small mainframe computer, usually dedicated to tasks such
as graphics which deserve to be done on such machines) using the
SEND/FILE/BINARY command. The Vax, as most of you should know, communicates
with an extended version of the ASCII character set, whereas the IBM uses
the EBCDIC character set. This translation from one set to another allows
some characters to be translated the into gibberish, others into different
characters, and still others to remain unchanged.
It is from this observation that I was able to determine the reason
for the strange and somewhat cryptic spellings on Burger King receipts. As
you all know, the EBCDIC character set is the successor to an older
character set called BCD. This BCD character set was used by IBM in its
computers back in the late 1950s/early 1960s in the IBM 1400-series
computers. From a back issue of the Scientific American (December 1962 to
be exact), I discovered a company by the name of Inter-Code Business Machine
Company who had built an extension to the BCD character set for use in their
computer, the SS-20. The company was declared bankrupt after selling less
than 12 computers, and they were left with over 12,000 more of these
machines in stock. The name of their character set was called BCDCB. One
of the best aspects of their computer was that it was all capable of being
housed in a box no larger than a terminal.
At the same time that ICBM was going bankrupt, Burger King had just
come into the fast food market and was in need of tax shelters. In a deal
to help pay ICBM's creditors, they agreed to purchase the remaining stock of
SS-20s from ICBM for the cost of $20 (a dollar could buy a lot more back in
the old days). As time went on, Burger King never really did anything with
their $20 investment, and the SS-20s remained stockpiled in one of Burger
King's wharehouses.
Then came the age of Computerized Cash Registers.
Burger King was in bad economic straights back in 1973 when they
were losing massive numbers of customers to an Irish-American hamburger
chain (which shall also remain nameless). They also wished to get some new
electronic cash registers for their counters. An old janitor at Burger King
happened to stumble on the old SS-20s one day, and one of the head
programmers at Burger King came up with a great idea. Why not take an old
SS-20, put an aluminum box around it and put a keypad on top and use the
device as a cash register (you will remember that ICBM was ahead of its time
in making computers small).
The idea worked; it worked fabulously, in fact. However, several
years later, they decided to add a receipt printer to the whole combo. Here
is where our trouble is. As I had mentioned before, BCD and BCDCB were not
quite the same. Burger King, however, did not realize this until after they
had bought the 12,000 BCD receipt printers they thought they needed. They
also did not realize this fact until after they had mounted all 12,000
printers onto their cash registers.
The SS-20s had a rather odd character-out routine, which would
switch to graphics mode whenever to identical characters were sent in
succession. The letter 'R' also could cause problems, because that was how
you returned from graphics mode back into text mode (the process of
converting back to text mode is rather slow on these machines however, and
usually takes about as much time as it takes to send another 5 characters).
So, as you can see the word WHOPPER is actually what the SS-20 is
printing, but the second 'P' would put the SS-20s normal display device (the
GLCM) into graphics mode. Since a receipt printer does not have a graphics
mode, it just ignores the strange code it gets entirely. The second problem
I just mentioned also explains why the string 'FRENCH FRIES' appears as
'FFRIES' on a Burger King receipt tape.
I have, over this past break, worked out the translation code from
BCDCB into either BCD, EBCDIC or ASCII. If anyone should happen to want
this program, I will be glad to send the source code along. I also have
developed the code to make a Visual 550 act as a GLCM. Together, these are
the start of a really excellent graphics package. If you wish to know how
to make your Visual 550 act as a GLCM, please give me a call and I will
drive to your installation and personally give your Visual its 'test
flight'.
Oh, well. I have to run now. I hope this clears up any problems
that might have developed. Later, Barry...
-----
Most essential qualification for a politician: The ability to
foretell what will happen tomorrow, next month, and next year --- and to
explain afterward why it did not happen
- Winston Churchill -
-----
Ex-presidents ought to be taken out on a five-acre lot and shot
- Grover Cleveland, 22nd/24th President USA -
============================================================================
My brother is an only child
- Bennett Cerf -
-----
My, the things you can learn by reading The Humus Report... Boggles
the mind, don't it? :)... Why, did you know that:
Wakefield, Rhode Island:
Citizens are not allowed to enter an airplane within four hours of
eating garlic
Okanogan, Washington:
Citizens cannot carry a slingshot on an airplane without special
permission
Peewee, West Virginia:
Don't let your horse fall asleep in the airport
Hackberry, Arizona:
Gargling is prohibited while flying
Columbia, Pennsylvania:
It is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student
under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention
Bicknell, Indiana:
It is against the law to eat ice cream in the local airport with a
fork
Lynch Heights, Delaware:
It is against the law to sneeze in an airplane
Pocataligo, Georgia:
It is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts
to pilot or ride in an airplane
Lowes Crossroads, Delaware:
It is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry
an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to
board a plane
Wellsboro, Pennsylvania:
Juggling in front of an airplane is illegal
Kidderville, New Hampshire:
Lingerie can't be hung on a clothesline at the airport unless the
undies are carefully hidden from prying eyes by a "suitable screen"
Halstead, Kansas:
Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited
Kentucky:
No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
state unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to
females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor
shall it apply to female horses
Headland, Alabama:
No female wearing a nightgown can be taken for a flight on a private
plane
Guyman, Oklahoma:
No flyer may wear a pair of pants with hip pockets while flying
Rock Springs, Wyoming:
No flying instructor "can place his arm around a woman without a
good and lawful reason" while flying
Burdoville, Vermont:
No married man can go flying on Sunday
West Union, Ohio:
No married man can go flying without his spouse along at any time,
unless he has been married for more than 12 months
White Horse, New Mexico:
No one can play cards on the airport grounds with a woman, a child,
or an indian
Fairplay, Colorado:
No one --- man, woman, or child --- can be seen flying while
barefoot
Upperville, Virginia:
No person is allowed to read the Sunday paper while sitting in a
chair at the airport while church services are going on
Leadwood, Missouri:
No pilot can eat unshelled roasted peanuts or watermelon while
flying
Bourbon, Mississippi:
No turtle races shall be held at the airport
Clearbrook, Minnesota:
People cannot play checkers at the airport, "lest they acquire a
taste for gambling"
Bluff, Utah:
Pilots and passengers are prohibited from eating onions between the
hours of 7am and 7pm
Stugis, Michigan:
Roosters may crow, but only if it is done at least 300 feet from the
airport
Crawford, Nebraska:
Women who are single, widowed, or divorced are banned from
parachuting on Sunday
-----
My precept to all who build is that the owner should be an ornament
to the house, and not the house an ornament to the owner
- Cicero -
============================================================================
Ah, yes, the news... All the news that fits, we print...
-----
Signs of the Times
On 13 October 1944, the Durham (North Carolina) Sun reported that a
Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having
parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No
Stoping."
Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing
letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law.
Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stoping means:
"extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground"
"Your Honor," said the man, "I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn't
extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be
dismissed."
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the
judge declared the man not guilty and commented, "since this is Friday, the
13th, anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."
"No Stoping" is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and
botched billboards that dot the American landscape. Here are some other
signs that need to be re-signed:
At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation:
"Eat here and get gas"
At a Sante Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container"
In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
"Ears pierced while you wait"
In an New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the
manager"
In a Michigan restaurant:
"The early bird gets the worm!"
"Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM"
On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good"
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law --
Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot"
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday"
On a movie theater:
"Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child"
In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed!"
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy"
On a New York loft building:
"Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor"
In a New Hampshire medical building:
"Martin Diabetes Professional Ass"
In the office of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home"
In a New York medical building:
"Mental health prevention center"
In a toy department:
"Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting"
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship"
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel"
In a number of parking areas:
"Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated"
On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs"
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work"
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan"
On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant:
"Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience"
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks"
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee:
"Archery tournament. Ears pierced"
In the bathroom of a large apartment building:
"When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This
will prevent the plaster from peeling"
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques"
On a North Carolina highway:
"EAT"
"300 FEET"
On an Ohio highway:
"Drive slower When Wet"
On a New Hampshire highway:
"You are speeding when flashing"
On a Pennsylvania highway:
"Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19"
In downtown Boston:
"Calahan Tunnel/No. End"
In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
"Parking for birds only"
In a New Jersey restaurant:
"Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight"
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
"Now serving live lobsters"
In front of a New Hampshire store:
"Endurable floors"
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak"
On a movie marquee:
Now Playing:
Adam and Eve
with a cast of thousands!
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light
is extinguished"
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves"
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head"
On the grounds of a private school:
"No trespassing without permission"
In a library:
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away"
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take Notice: When this sign is under water, the road is
impassable"
Similarily in a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car"
- 13 October 1944 Durham (North Carolina) Sun -
-----
The city is looking out for its frogs, which leap in mean streets
teeming with sewer holes and enemy automobiles. There is a new sign in
these parts to protect the creatures. It reads: "Frog Crossing."
In recent weeks, many frogs were dying unnecessarily in city sewers
after leaping into the streets from the Schmeekle Reserve on the campus of
the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. Once in the street, the frogs
could not leap over the curbs, so they would continue down the street where
many eventually fell to their deaths through sewer grates.
At the request of reserve officials, the city took steps to increase
the longevity of the frogs. City crews working on curb and street repair in
the area inserted "curb cuts," or little ramps in the curbs near the grates
for the frogs to walk up and head for nearby woods and ponds.
The city also erected the "Frog Crossing" signs to alert motorists
to slow down for the creatures.
"The signs are tongue-in-cheek," Stevens Point Mayor Scott Schultz
said, "but the city doesn't want to lose sight of relations between urban
and wildlife areas"
- 08 July 1987 Stevens Point Wisconsin UPI -
-----
Transportation officials of the Sunshine State have been embarrassed
by a huge blue sign welcoming visitors to "Floirda."
"I think somebody
goofed," said Jo Hein, who lives just a short distance from the large sign
on US 90 in the community of Beulah, west of Pensacola. "They don't know
how to spell."
The sign, which greets visitors entering the state from Alabama,
says, "Welcome to Floirda. The Sunshine State." It is like 20 other
welcome signs between Jacksonville and Pensacola, save for the misspelling.
"It sure don't give Florida much of a good advertisement," said
Hein's husband, Sylvester. He said a businessman pointed out the error to
him. "It don't speak good for us at all."
Julian McCrary, a maintenance engineer for the Department of
Transportation, said the sign was erected Thursday by a worker who has put
up similar signs in the past.
"You expect it to be right," the engineer said Tuesday. "It's quite
embarrassing. It's just an unfortunate mistake"
- 08 July 1987 Pensacola Florida UPI -
-----
Never underestimate the nature and quality of the enemy
- Clausewitz -
You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of
focus
- Samuel Langhorne Clemens -
============================================================================
And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that
mankind does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that
axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than
myself (hi, kalen!): "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of
currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!"
A wonderful sentiment, don't you think?
If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here,
and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your
non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to:
caren park
2557 Fourteenth Avenue West
Suite 501
Seattle, Washington 98119
(01 January 1992)
We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for
our survival...
If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other
use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will
take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line
litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus
Report, we'd appreciate it. We will cull from the post office box all death
threats and denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The
rest is up to you...
We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material
for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us
to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted
material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate
actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel
appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after
month...
I also have a program contained within CKP-MSG.ZIP (a Fortune-like program)
from which everything you will see here can be found, and then some. For a
nominal cost per year, I will provide the latest copy of the ibm/compat
program AND the latest updates of the datafile to you... Address inquiries
about thisúprogram and/or the datafile to the address above...
We leave you now with a few thoughts...
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A doctor, an engineer and a software developer were sitting up late
one night, drinking beer and conducting philosophical conversations. They
deliberated for some time as to what, according to the Bible, would be
considered the oldest profession.
"In Genesis," stated the doctor, "it says that when God created man,
he took the rib of Adam, and from it created Eve. I would maintain that this
is a maneuver of surgical expertise, and therefore medicine would have to be
considered the oldest profession." His two colleagues pondered this for
some time, and concluded that the doctor's logic was sound and they could
find no fault with it.
"I would concur with your evidence," said the engineer, "but it also
says that on the first day God created order from the chaos. I assert that
this is an engineering feat, and that, therefore, engineering is the oldest
profession."
They considered this point for a while, and eventually agreed that
the engineer was correct in this statement. "However, gentlemen," the
software developer interjected, "I'll have to take issue with both
arguments; after all, from where do you think the chaos came in the first
place?"
...until next month...
