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The Hogs of Entropy 0990
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$$$ [ HOE E-Zine #990 -- 12/25/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ] .,$$$
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i was seeing a university counselor today. my last shrink and i
parted ways a couple of months when we had a disagreement as to the
medicinal value of alcohol and cocaine. the university counselor
informed me that i was highly erratic in my moods, unusually vindictive,
and had issues with women. if she had told me i had dark hair and green
eyes and that my favourite band was pavement, she would have succeeded in
telling me *all* the things i already knew about myself. and it occurred
to me how terribly uninteresting it is to be told things you already
know. that is why i am offering this list of things that are already
widely know and uncontroversial that should not be addressed again in
another lame file.
1) SCOOBY DOO IS ABOUT DRUGS TEE HEE HEE. yeah, no shit. bunch of kids
in the '70s in a van always hungry eating 'scooby snacks' blah blah
blah. that isn't a controversial view. don't bother arguing. it's
like arguing a circle is round. it just isn't interesting--it's
dull. writing about it makes YOU a dull, bad person. when the
revolution comes, those who write about this shall surely be rounded
up and tortured.
2) BOYS SUCK. yes, we sure do. most boys will just fuck you over and
leave you. yup. it's natural selection, our ascent from the apes
failed to remove some instincts. call it survival--girls you fail to
fuck over make you regret it later, at the first real opportunity.
everybody knows that if you liked NICE guys, you wouldn't get fucked
over so much. but you don't. which is fine-like who you like.
just don't come crying later. it's a given--boys suck.
3) GIRLS SUCK. yup. how do you know a girl is lying? she is
communicating with you. read the old testament, one of the creatures
(sarah, ruth, one of them) lied to GOD and got away with it. you
think your girl won't pull a few fast ones on you? girls always
*say* they want a nice guy. guess what? it's another lie. everybody
knows this by now. sometimes everybody forgets this though, and they
suffer. then, too often, they make OTHERS suffer by writing about
it. if you are with a girl right now, odds are good you will be
bitter and defeated within 6 months, unless you make her bitter and
defeated first. if you succeed in being happy, now there's a topic
for a file. man bites dog....
4) PEOPLE ARE DUMB. yes, they sure are. morons. they like the wrong
things. they wear dumb clothes. they say dumb things, and make dumb
judgments. but on the other hand, you still have a pathetic,
sniveling need to be liked by them if you take their stupidity so
personally. this isn't to say that specific acts of stupidity
shouldn't be documented or mocked--just that to argue that people, on
the whole, are dumb is, again, like arguing that a dog is a mammal.
5) YOU HATE YOUR ROOMMATE. again, duh. everybody does. roommates are
people and therefore morons. if you're a girl, you hate your
roommate because she is prettier than you and people pay attention to
her instead of you thus defeating your juvenile need to always be the
centre of attention. if you are a boy, your roommate is a cock,
defined as somebody who gets more pussy than you. in either case,
their taste in music will suck and they will exude an odd odor.
i've been lucky i have to admit in having murmur, mogel and neko as
roommates at points when we had similar tastes in music and were
getting comparable amounts of pussy. finding a roommate like that,
with whom you get along, again, is notable and worthy of being
chronicled.
files about not getting enough sex are probably still okay, since
that is a serious and universal problem for everybody except your most
recent ex, who is invariably getting it every day of the week and twice
on most days.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #990, BY ZAFF - 12/25/99 ]
