The Hogs of Entropy 0990

eZine lover (@eZine)

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The Hogs of Entropy

 · 5 years ago

  

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 $$$        [ HOE E-Zine #990 -- 12/25/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ]     .,$$$ 
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	i was seeing a university counselor today.  my last shrink and i 
 parted ways a couple of months when we had a disagreement as to the 
 medicinal value of alcohol and cocaine.  the university counselor 
 informed me that i was highly erratic in my moods, unusually vindictive, 
 and had issues with women.  if she had told me i had dark hair and green 
 eyes and that my favourite band was pavement, she would have succeeded in 
 telling me *all* the things i already knew about myself.  and it occurred 
 to me how terribly uninteresting it is to be told things you already 
 know.  that is why i am offering this list of things that are already 
 widely know and uncontroversial that should not be addressed again in 
 another lame file. 

 1)  SCOOBY DOO IS ABOUT DRUGS TEE HEE HEE.  yeah, no shit.  bunch of kids 
     in the '70s in a van always hungry eating 'scooby snacks' blah blah 
     blah.  that isn't a controversial view.  don't bother arguing.  it's 
     like arguing a circle is round.  it just isn't interesting--it's 
     dull. writing about it makes YOU a dull, bad person.  when the 
     revolution comes, those who write about this shall surely be rounded 
     up and tortured. 

 2)  BOYS SUCK.  yes, we sure do.  most boys will just fuck you over and 
     leave you.  yup.  it's natural selection, our ascent from the apes 
     failed to remove some instincts.  call it survival--girls you fail to 
     fuck over make you regret it later, at the first real opportunity.   
     everybody knows that if you liked NICE guys, you wouldn't get fucked 
     over so much.  but you don't.  which is fine-like who you like.   
     just don't come crying later.  it's a given--boys suck. 

 3)  GIRLS SUCK.  yup.  how do you know a girl is lying?  she is 
     communicating with you. read the old testament, one of the creatures 
     (sarah, ruth, one of them) lied to GOD and got away with it.  you 
     think your girl won't pull a few fast ones on you?  girls always 
     *say* they want a nice guy.  guess what?  it's another lie. everybody 
     knows this by now.  sometimes everybody forgets this though, and they 
     suffer.  then, too often, they make OTHERS suffer by writing about 
     it.  if you are with a girl right now, odds are good you will be 
     bitter and defeated within 6 months, unless you make her bitter and 
     defeated first.  if you succeed in being happy, now there's a topic 
     for a file.  man bites dog.... 

 4)  PEOPLE ARE DUMB.  yes, they sure are. morons.  they like the wrong 
     things.  they wear dumb clothes.  they say dumb things, and make dumb 
     judgments.  but on the other hand, you still have a pathetic, 
     sniveling need to be liked by them if you take their stupidity so 
     personally.  this isn't to say that specific acts of stupidity 
     shouldn't be documented or mocked--just that to argue that people, on 
     the whole, are dumb is, again, like arguing that a dog is a mammal. 

 5)  YOU HATE YOUR ROOMMATE.  again, duh.  everybody does.  roommates are 
     people and therefore morons.  if you're a girl, you hate your 
     roommate because she is prettier than you and people pay attention to 
     her instead of you thus defeating your juvenile need to always be the 
     centre of attention.  if you are a boy, your roommate is a cock, 
     defined as somebody who gets more pussy than you.  in either case, 
     their taste in music will suck and they will exude an odd odor.   
     i've been lucky i have to admit in having murmur, mogel and neko as 
     roommates at points when we had similar tastes in music and were 
     getting comparable amounts of pussy.  finding a roommate like that, 
     with whom you get along, again, is notable and worthy of being 
     chronicled. 

	files about not getting enough sex are probably still okay, since 
 that is a serious and universal problem for everybody except your most 
 recent ex, who is invariably getting it every day of the week and twice 
 on most days. 

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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!               HOE #990, BY ZAFF - 12/25/99 ]