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The Hogs of Entropy 0998
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ggg "The Penultimate Lamentation" ggg
$$$ by -> Quarex $$$
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$$$ [ HOE E-Zine #998 -- 12/25/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ] .,$$$
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
During the course of the last seven years of my life, I have done
an awful lot of really annoying whining about one subject, and one
subject only. Women, and my inability to get them to date me. Some
people complain about other things, like money, or school, or their
parents. Not me. If I am doing any complaining, it is about women.
You can look at about half of my other h0e articles and see this. Well,
quite frankly, I have realized for quite a while that it is getting old
for everyone else, but it is even starting to get old for me. Now that
is bad, when I am getting sick of complaining about the one thing I
complain about.
So, in any case, dear readers, what does this mean for you?
First of all, it means that, though you hopefully enjoy reading about the
horrible luck I have, there is a chance that this file might not interest
you at all. To any of you who feel this way, I would like to personally
apologize to you, and I will do better next time. But I will do my best
to make it interesting. Please at least try to read a few of these,
anyway.
*!*!*!*!*!*
SECOND INTRO:
BY: A MUCH LESS FUCKING STUPID QUAREX
Okay, uh, I have no idea what I was on when I wrote this. Well,
yeah I do, since I am never on anything. But still, that intro was way
friggin' lame. This is a much better intro: I AM THE FUCKIN' MAN! I
would feel bad for leaving so many women incomplete, but considering how
retarded this entire thing is, I really do not at all.
*!*!*!*!*!*
CASE NUMBER ONE: LAURA LYNN KURTENBACH [Redhead/Green Eyes/Five Arms]
OCTOBER 1993-MAY 1996 [~5'6" 120 pounds]
Once upon a time, in . . . 8th grade, the Nerd Known As Quarex Only To
Himself At The Time was strolling merrily about the halls of his junior
high. Well, about as merrily as a fucking fat ugly sweaty kid can be, in
any case. God damn, I think I showered/bathed like once or twice a week
back then. What the hell was I thinking? Oh yeah, right, I only cared
about my computer. Anyway, so there I am, strolling. Suddenly, for the
first time in my life, I actually noticed a girl in the hallway, and gave
her more than a second thought.
Having never felt at all attracted to a female before then, I did not
really know what was happening. I just knew that I kept looking at this
girl whenever she was around, and I felt strangely jealous of the guy she
kissed in the hallways sometimes. Hmm, I wonder what this feeling is? I
know, it must be hunger. I obviously have not stuffed my fucking face
with enough meat today. I merely wish to devour this girl for her flesh.
However, as it turned out, that was not at all what I wanted. I had a
crush on a girl, and I had to admit that my days of only caring about my
computer were over.
Fortunately, I went to South Korea shortly after that, and did not see
her for the remainder of the year, and mostly forgot about the concept of
girls. Once 9th grade started [I believe I discovered masturbation
around this time, for those of you keeping track], I had all but forgot
about her, as well. Then, a bit into my 10th grade year, one of my
friends, who we will call Brett Cottone [alias Hitchcock] was
inexplicably dating her. This girl who had just been the first girl I
was ever attracted to was suddenly dating a guy I knew! Oh wow! So, I
ended up talking to her, and we became pretty good friends through an
awful lot of time spent together in P.E. and other miscellaneous
school-day functions.
By the summer of my sophomore year, I was pretty well beyond infatuated
with her, as I, in fact, called a song I wrote "Laura Kurtenbach." Later
that year, we actually went out on a date, when she was no longer seeing
anyone, and the movie we saw [Stargate] became mysteriously my favorite
film, and I saw it 14 times in the theater. Around this time, she began
dating a 6'6" guy with a bad teenage mustache who wore a confederate flag
jacket to school, then a tiny guy who never said a word, then a fat guy
who barely knew how to speak, then a guy whose life seemed to revolve
around the military, then. . . well, then, everyone she pretty much saw,
other than, of course, me. So, one night, I figured that since women on
TV like it when guys tell them they love them, that if I told Laura I
loved her, surely she would go out with me. So, I called her one night
after play practice, and told her I loved her. After she was silent for
a really long time, she naturally started crying, since that is what
girls do when I tell them I love them, or at least I would discover that.
After we talked for a good while longer, I said something like "So you
can never feel that way about me?" and she said "I don't see why not,"
and naturally I assumed it was in the bag.
So, what happened the next day? She cried the whole day, probably the
day after that, too, then started dating this dude she pretty much dated
for a year, by which time my obsession with her was out of hand anyway,
so the less said about that the better. Though, I did just see her for
the first time in three years a few months ago, and we got along great.
I swear, the rest of these will be shorter.
CASE NUMBER TWO: SARAH SOMETHING KELLY [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Pregnant]
MARCH-APRIL 1995 [5'4" 115 pounds]
A much simpler case than the others. Sarah was this incredibly fucking
gorgeous girl who, like almost every girl I meet, really liked touching
me, probably because my natural body temperature, or at least the heat I
give off, is far higher than anyone else's I know. Anyway, she was
awesome, and I think she was actually like a month or two pregnant when I
asked her out on our first date, since she had expressed interest in
going out with me. We were going to go see Twelve Monkeys. In order to
give you an idea of how well this worked, I still have not seen Twelve
Monkeys. We were going out on a Thursday, and I called her the day
before to make sure we were still on, and she asked if we could
reschedule. So, we agreed to go the next week, and when I called the
next week, nobody answered, and when I mentioned it to her next time, she
acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. Well, then again,
she WAS fucking gorgeous. No real surprise there. No guy I knew really
had a chance with her, aside from, of course, Hitchcock.
CASE NUMBER THREE: BARBARA MARIE EMBRY [Brunette/Grey Eyes/Waterbed]
SEPTEMBER 1995-PRESENT [~5'6" 120 pounds]
Since Barb will probably read this at some point, I naturally have to be
careful what I say. Well, not really. Beginning of my senior year of
high school, in my Computer Applications class, there was this really
pretty girl who ended up sitting basically behind me, and a seat over. We
were typing something up at random for our first-week-of-class-random
task, and since I type ~130 WPM, I do things like type out "And stuff
like that" then quickly erase it when I have nothing else to do. She was
watching me, and said, "Stuff? Is that really a good word?" so, I
replaced "stuff" with "gimcrackery," which I think sufficiently amused
her.
A while later, I found out that she was the daughter of the scary racist
man who worked at the gas station we always bought Hostess(r) cakes from
during lunchtime. That, alone, made her instantly the most amazing girl
we knew, as I could go to anyone I hung out with and say "DUDE! BARB IS
PETE'S DAUGHTER!" and they would say "NO FUCKING WAY!"
So anyway, I got to know Barb really well quite quickly, as I think she
was desperate for a friend who was a little more interesting than the one
real friend she had at the time. By the last day of school, we were
sitting on the floor of our Computer Applications class, she in my lap
while I gave her a backrub. Again, you would think this would surely
lead to something more than a friendship. However, I confessed my
feelings to her in a Christmas card a few weeks later, and shortly
thereafter she started dating Jon Thompson [RottenZ]. Needless to say,
that pretty much sucked. Soon after he dumped her, she started dating
this really quiet dude who she pretty much dated for way too long. I
found out much later [years later, like a year ago or so] that she
apparently would have gone out with me if I had been more forward and not
let Jon beat me to the punch. I, however, will never believe that, as
clearly it is a function of my curse, not of how forward I was.
Regardless, Barb became probably the best female friend I ever had, and
ever will have, even though she had to go and move to Ohio. :( :( :(
CASE NUMBER FOUR: CARRIE ANN AMES [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Snuggles]
DECEMBER 1995-JANUARY 1996 [5'4" 130 pounds]
Carrie, too, is a simple case. For one Drama warmup during a play, we
all picked names out of a hat of other cast members, and we had to kiss
that person. Carrie, fortunately for me, as she is also really hot,
pulled my name, and thus my first kiss (other than from Laura, who gave
me a kiss out of pity of me never being kissed before) happened. How
could I possibly not be interested in her? So, I got to know her better,
but naturally every time I talked to her about maybe going out to do
something, she seemed to be busy. Oh well, another girl to add to my
pile of girls who like to jump into my arms, but would never want to kiss
me [again.]
CASE NUMBER FIVE: JESSICA ELIZABETH WHITE [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Corgan]
FEBRUARY 1996-JANUARY 1997 [~5'7" 120 pounds]
In case you have not noticed, and furthermore are still reading, I almost
never go for girls who at all resemble someone that would make sense to
be with me, as I am 6'4" and always around 240-250 pounds. However, it
is also pretty fucking hard to find 6'4" girls, so you understand.
I met Jessica in my chemistry class. I was in a class with all
sophomores, my senior year [second semester] because I had almost failed
Algebra in 9th grade, and thus was not allowed to take it until I had to
to graduate. Anyway, one day, I was sitting at my desk, fucking around,
and heard a FEMALE VOICE DISTINCTLY SAY "I.R.C." I instantly darted
towards the source, and found a guy I knew somewhat well talking to a
girl about irc, web pages, and other things. You have to realize--this
is almost 1995 I am talking about here, it is not like today when girls
who do NOT talk about their web pages are fucked up. I completely forced
myself into this girl's life, but since she was a sophomore and easily
impressionable at the time, she went along with it, and we had some fun
hanging out. I actually did not like her all that much, at least not in
a relationship way, and quite frankly considered her someone I could date
if Barb would never date me [as Jessica adores Billy Corgan, and always t
old me I looked & sounded like him, which I assumed meant she wanted me.]
So, she was my backup plan for a long time, and in the summer, when it
seemed pretty sure I was not going to get Barb, I started hanging out
with Jessica more, until the point when naturally I fucked up and told
her how I felt about her. She told me she did not feel the same way, yet
we still kept hanging out, and she kept flirting with me, as all girls
do. Anyway, later that summer, when Case number 6 (see below, obviously)
did what she did with me, Jessica actually provided me with my first link
on the sex chart [which was later repealed, as I did not yet know how to
use tongue], and as the months wore on, it even seemed like she might go
out with me. We had gotten to the point where we would hold hands while
watching movies, and cuddle on the couch even when other people were
around.
However, there was a minor problem going on behind the scenes. At some
point, I mentioned to SwissPope that I knew Jessica's best friend's shell
account password. He heavily encouraged me to break into it, and read
the mail from Jessica to her, and forward him copies. So, I did that,
and never really thought too hard about what I was doing. Then, around
the time when Jessica seemed about ready to finally start officially
dating me, SwissPope politely informed them that Mean, Vicious, Brutal
Quarex had been Mercilessly reading their e-mail for months. That,
needless to say, pretty much put a quick end to anything I had going
there. Though, ironically, after a couple months of recovering, she and
I were hanging out again, and the attraction was apparently still there
for her, as she still cuddled with me and let me kiss her, though she
also eventually came to her senses, again. Oh well. And, ironically,
she is much cooler now than she ever was then. Fuck.
CASE NUMBER SIX: ANGELA LATHEM [Blonde/Blue Eyes/Culture]
JUNE 1996-PRESENT [5'7", ~160 pounds]
Angela had a crush on me from the time we were in ninth grade to, well,
just about the end of my senior year. During the summer after my senior
year, I ended up hanging out with Angela a few times, and getting into
mildly steamy situations with her, including an infamous tryst in a
bathroom [since she will hopefully never read this, I can tell everyone
shamelessly that she is a 36DD and I had a lot of fun that night, and I
will never be this much of a male pig again, I swear], which ended with
me asking her out and her saying "I'm not sure if I like you that way
anymore." Oh man, talk about fucking awful timing, huh? After that
encounter, I did not see her for six months, and pretty much by the time
I got back in touch with her, she was dating the guy who she is going to
marry someday. Fuck. I have such awful timing, sometimes. At least
Jessica kissed me thanks to Angela. What would I have done without that?
Gee. I still really dig Angela, as she is one of the only girls I have
ever considered to be my intellectual and cultural equals, if not a
superior.
CASE NUMBER SEVEN: REBECCA LEE PHILLIPS [Blonde/Blue Eyes/Sublime]
SEPTEMBER-NOVEMBER 1996 [5'8" ~130 pounds]
Jessica's best friend, the girl whose shell account I unfortunately broke
into. I started liking her right about in the middle of the time when
Jessica kissed me and when they both started hating me. The two of us
had a lot of fun together, and like all girls, she really liked hugging
me, which eventually led to the two of us under the covers on her
waterbed, entwined around each other while listening to Enya. I always
wondered if something could have happened there if I had not been so
stupidly into Jessica, and so stupidly reading her e-mail anyway. But
she did not seem very receptive when I kissed her on the cheek once, she
actually recoiled in terror, so I pretty much interpreted that as a sign
that said "stay away."
CASE NUMBER NINE: KAILEE SOMETHING MATHIA [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Stupid]
SEPTEMBER 1996-MAY 1997 [5'9" ~140 pounds]
I am not afraid to admit that Kailee was the first girl I was ever
attracted to who was really quite obviously not all that bright.
Naturally, since I said that, she will somehow read this, even before I
release it. Anyway, I got along with her pretty well, and at one point,
she had just broken up with her boyfriend, and invited me to come see her
dorm room. Now, I realize that to some of you, this may have been some
kind of open invitation to fuck her brains out, but since I am about as
experienced in the ways of properly taking advantage of women as Pee-Wee
Herman, we just hung out and talked for an hour or two. Shortly
thereafter, the semester ended, and I pretty much only saw her again
once. Too bad. She was really sexy, too.
CASE NUMBER TEN: MOLLY SOMETHING YOUNG [Blonde/Blue Eyes/Looks like Barb]
SEPTEMBER 1996-NOVEMBER 1996 [5'8" 120 pounds]
Yes, I realize every girl weighs a factor of 10 pounds to me. But that
is just how I interpret things. Molly had hair which looked eerily like
mine, and a face that looked just like Barb's. What more could I want?
She was really probably never a feasible girl for me to go after, but I
kinda did anyway, but she showed little interest in going out on a date
with me, so I naturally abandoned that cause rather quickly.
CASE NUMBER ELEVEN: CHRISTINA ANN DELZENERO [Brunette/Green Eyes/Kitty]
NOVEMBER 1996-PRESENT (well, not really) [~5'7" ~130 pounds]
One night, while just randomly sitting at a ksh prompt, I suddenly got a
write from someone named "cadelze," who I naturally assumed to be a guy,
as [s]he said "I just checked out your .plan--Type O Negative rules!" So,
naturally, I wrote back, saying, "Hey, hell yeah, dude!" She responded
quite simply, "I am not a dude." So, I freaked out, thinking, OH MY GOD,
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM WOMAN! I then spent about three hours in
talk with her, and not only did she pretty much seem to be the coolest
girl I had ever talked to, but she had actually been trying to get my
attention every day when I left my English class, as she had seen my Type
O Negative shirts and had thought I would be awesome to talk to.
Well, we got together the next day, and hung out for a few hours, and
then went shopping for CDs and bras [for me, of course] a few days later,
at which time I jokingly mentioned her to RottenZ. "Hey Jon," I said, "I
just met this awesome girl, and she loves Weird Al and Type O Negative
and is really pretty and rules!"
At which point, RottenZ decided unequivocally that she would be his.
Within about a month, over Christmas break, we went to northern Illinois
to visit her at home (we being RottenZ, Spirit, and myself), and that was
pretty much it. They have been dating essentially ever since then,
though there was a very brief period in which she apparently very briefly
[again] considered making out with me, though this is all speculation and
heresay anyway. So, another potential girlfriend gone.
CASE NUMBER TWELVE: HILLARY REAGAN PEPPERS [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Biafra]
JULY 1997-AUGUST 1998 [August 1999-?] [5'6" 120 pounds]
Hillary became the first of the girls who made me come to realize that a
girl can flirt with you until you both explode from utter flirtation
exhaustion without meaning a goddamn thing by it. Hillary and I had
always talked a bit when we were around each other, and one night, she
randomly came over, and asked if I wanted to go to Denny's with her. Me,
now, not everyone we were with, me. So, I did. We hung out for a while
there, then went back to her house, and I spent about five hours there,
talking to her, flirting with her, etc. At one point, she even threw a
coat over our heads and started giggling, which I am pretty sure is the
universal sign for "Make out with me." However, she then started dating
some worthless guy soon thereafter, and when I talked to her about this
whole thing a few months ago, she insisted repeatedly that not only was
she not leading me on, but I was an idiot for thinking she had at all
been interested in me. Good god, how much women just do not get it. They
almost all agree that I am one of the most incredibly fun people to be
around, yet would gladly date anyone but me.
Of course, as luck would have it, about a month after I wrote this file,
things changed. She and Mike had broken up in early July, and it was now
mid-August, a couple days before my birthday. She and I had talked for a
long time the week before, and then one night she called me up and asked
if she could come over. So, I gladly let her, since she is cool and all.
We talked for a really long time, and even when Andy came over, we just
sat on the couch and talked anyway while I gave her a backrub. The next
night, she called me up and asked if I would help her move, which I
gladly agreed to do. She also asked that I help her alone, since she had
lots of fun hanging out with me the night before.
To anyone else, we know what that would mean. But I naturally
interepreted it as her just not wanting me to bring Mike.
So she came over at 1:30 in the morning so we could start moving, and so
we just went to my basement and talked for hours anyway, and we ended up
kissing. Now that was pretty damn cool. Of course, she said she was
still not fully over Mike, and that she did not want to date at all. Even
if it is an excuse, I could care less, she proved that she did not suck.
And, naturally, the bitch was lying about everything, and apparently just
wanted to "protect my feelings." Suck my fucking dick, whore.
CASE NUMBER THIRTEEN: MANDY SOMETHING CASE [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Yello]
NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 1997 [5'11" 130 pounds]
Mmm, a girl almost my height. I salivate just thinking about it. I had
always thought Mandy was really pretty, even if she looked much better to
me before she cut all of her hair off. In fact, you can imagine my shock
when a girl I knew for a fact was very pretty asked me out to dinner. I
mean, we had been talking a lot before that, and catching up on the good
ole' days of junior high. This was halfway through my sophomore year of
college. So we went out to a happy little chinese place, ate and talked
for hours, and had a really great time. In fact, you might well say it
was the best date I was ever on [out of the, what, three?]. However,
just before we were going to leave, she picked up a little kid and
started playing with it and doing all kinds of motherly things. Now, to
me, there is no bigger turn-off than motherly behavior. I mean, christ,
how the fuck are you supposed to find someone acting like a mother
attractive? Is that possible?
Anyway, so, we leave the restaurant, and she asks, direct quote, "Do you
want to come back to [my place] and see my room?" Now, I think in
hindsight, not just putting my inordinate fear of mothers aside and going
with her was one of the worst ideas I have ever had. But, not only did I
turn her down, but I turned her down, saying, "I have to go play Ultima
Online."
I could not have come up with a lamer reason for leaving if I had tried.
Quite frankly. Man, that one just went so totally wrong.
CASE NUMBER FOURTEEN: NANCY SOMETHING MILLER [Blonde/Blue Eyes/Rattlesnake]
JANUARY-OCTOBER 1998 [5'7" 130 pounds]
Around this time, Nancy [Pixy] had just broken up with SwissPope, and
suddenly one night, while very drunk on irc, told me she had always
thought I was cute, and always liked me, and really wished I were there
with her. Far be it from me to pass up on something like this. However,
SwissPope was right there, and from that day until months later, he was
informing me daily that I would forever regret dating Nancy, that she was
horrible in every way, that she would destroy me, etc. Normally, I think
my drive to have legitimate female affection would have overriden Pope's
warnings, especially since he kept me from getting a date in the past.
However, I chose to listen to him for whatever reason, and that was
pretty much that. She started dating Mogel a few months later.
CASE NUMBER FIFTEEN: KATIE ESCHBACHER [m/f, oral, cons, pedo, animal]
JANUARY-OCTOBER 1998 [Blonde/Blue Eyes/Wonderful]
[5'5" ~150 pounds]
Ah, Katie. The exception to the rule that everyone needs once in a
while. I had a vague kind of crush on her when we first talked in
December 1997, but not enough to warrant inclusion really, it was only
when we really started talking all the time in January and February that
something started to develop. Then, when we met in March, and after
several hours of nothing going on at all, suddenly ended up making out
for hours, I had a feeling that perhaps something was finally going to go
my way.
Unfortunately, Katie was killed in a tragic car crash later that day.
Wait, no, she was fine, and we dated from March 15th [Beware the ides of
March, indeed] until May something or other. I have decided I will never
remember the date I break up with anyone, ever. We pretty much broke up
on mutual terms, we never really had anything to talk about anymore, and
that whole us living six hours apart thing was not helping much. And,
since after a brief affair with some dude, her next [and current]
boyfriend had so much hate for me that he could barely stand to speak my
name, I have not seen her since Dummercon '98. Yes, it has been almost a
year since I saw the only girl who was ever willing to really get close
to me. Fuck that.
CASE NUMBER SIXTEEN: MARCIA YOCKEY [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Plastic]
JULY 1998-APRIL 1999 [5'10" 140 pounds]
Marcia and I knew of each other for years, since my senior year [her
freshman year. I like 'em young, apparently] of drama, when we both were
in the same shows. We vaguely got to know each other during a show we
put on last summer, and when I was saying goodbye to her at one of the
cast parties, I actually felt like she wanted me to kiss her, but far be
it from me to risk the wrath of me mis-reading a girl, so I naturally did
nothing. I saw her once in a while and flirted with her here and there
for the months afterward, until I finally accidentally had Hillary ask
Marcia if she thought anything more of me than just a friend, and she
told Hillary she would not want to "ruin our friendship." Considering I
was barely friends with her, that was pretty damn funny. But I can
accept that. It always happens, after all.
CASE NUMBER SEVENTEEN: ANNE FERGUSON [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Cultist]
AUGUST 1998-MAY 1999 [5'5" 130 pounds]
Anne always struck me as someone I would want to date because she
possessed all of my important qualifications [even the ones I do not
necessarily need!]. She was attractive, funny, loud, and seemed smart.
Of course, then, she ended up dating one of my friends, but that was
cool, because it was his first real girlfriend. Of course, there was no
good reason for that, because this guy is an actual legitimate stud, it
is just that since he was fat in high school nobody really thought about
it until recently. So, they dated for a while, and after he broke up
with her a few months ago, it started to become very obvious indeed that
I would never want to date Anne. As cool as it was that she would just
randomly show me her breasts every couple days, I realized that dating a
girl who was not afraid to scream and talk loudly was one thing, but
dating a completely fucked up former cultist [Jehovah's Witness] who only
ever talked about sex and how much she wanted to kill her ex-boyfriend
would be really, really horrible. Fortunately for me, she also said she
was never interested in me anyway, when I did vaguely ask her out.
CASE NUMBER EIGHTEEN: VANESSA PASSINI [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Limp Bizkit]
AUGUST 1998-PRESENT [5'4" 130 pounds]
Vanessa's name alone made me interested in her. Granted, the fact that
she was sexy as all hell also did not hurt. I freely admit that I was
really only attracted to her face & body when I first got to know her,
since after all, that was all I had to go on. Then, out of the blue, she
asked me to her school's homecoming, and needless to say, I jumped at the
chance to go to a dance with a hot chick. We had lots of fun, and then a
week later she was dating some random guy who she freely admitted was
really boring. Then, she got back together with her other ex-boyfriend
for a long time. By the time that was over with, in February 1999, we
were really starting to talk, and I was getting to know her much better
(remember, there is nothing to know about me that I do not always greatly
elaborate on anyway). Hillary (see above) was telling me pretty much
non-stop the entire time I liked Vanessa that Vanessa not only did not
like me in "that way," but furthermore was just using me for status
anyway. Since I had a tendency to kinda believe Hillary, I did not go
hang out with Vanessa a few times when she wanted me to, and I agreed to
go to Prom with Marcia instead of Vanessa.
Well, as time progressed, I asked Vanessa out a few times [in June] and
was always met with more stern "No, I am not going to go out with you"s.
Then, just a few days ago, she admitted to me that she actually did want
to go out with me in the March-April 1999 period, right around the same
time when Hillary was going out of her way to make sure I stayed away
from her, and made sure I did not go to prom with her. To add insult to
injury, Marcia, my prom date, ditched me, and I did not go to prom at
all. Mother fucker. I swear to fucking Satan that I have an evil
spirit following me around, creating horrible coincidences that keep me
from total happiness.
And, ironically, after the aforementioned Hillary Peppers incident, I
told Vanessa about it the next day [my birthday] and she said she was
very happy for me. Then, the next night, she confessed that she was not
actually very happy for me, since she had within the last week or so
realized that I really was the ideal boyfriend for her. So, here I was,
thinking I had two girls to pick from. Man, that was crazy. Of course,
once Hillary did not pan out, I gave in and dated Vanessa. I say "gave
in" because Hillary had singlehandedly gotten me completely over Vanessa
in a two-day span, but I was certainly willing to try to rekindle the
interest I had in her. Our relationship was great for the first two
days, and I really felt we would date for a long time. Then, suddenly,
Evil Bad Vanessa(tm) showed up, just as she warned it always does in her
relationships, and I realized I really could not deal with it, so I broke
up with her, five days after we started dating. At least it was
completely mutual, and we started having fun again as soon as it
happened. Then, of course, she stopped t
CASE NUMBER NINETEEN: SARAH SOMETHING WEISS [Brunette/Brown Eyes/Belial]
JUNE 1999-PRESENT [5'4" 120 pounds]
I always kinda liked Sarah, but it was not until I started seeing her
more often [as she is friends with one of my roommates] and talked to her
for a long time at this party that I really realized I liked her THAT
WAY. Unfortunately, I am fairly certain that since my roommate is
ultra-christian and loathes my lifestyle, that she would do everything in
her power to keep me away from Sarah. She also refused to hug me at
Denny's, which speaks volumes in itself as to whether she would go on a
date with me or not.
CASE NUMBER TWENTY: JEANNE SOMETHING HERTZ [Blonde/Blue Eyes/Wow]
JUNE 1999-PRESENT [5'10" 130 pounds]
Nothing quite like meeting a girl at a cast party, then seeing her again
at another party two years later, and having her be so incredibly drunk
that she instantly stumbles into you, looks up at you with big eyes, and
says "Hi." I swear, that is the least time it has ever taken me to
instantly get a crush on someone. I spent the entire night pretty much
just hanging out with her, talking, and making sure she did not fall over
or throw up or anything. Everyone also kept telling me what a good thing
I was doing by watching over her. I kept thinking "What, hitting on a
really fucking beautiful girl is doing a good deed?"
Regardless, she came over to our place the next day, and we still got
along great, and I actually was feeling pretty good about my chances,
which was strange enough in itself. However, my female roommate
repeatedly insisted that Jeanne is like that with everyone, and she had
no interest in me whatsoever. That actually seemed to be reaffirmed when
she did not show up to the party we threw a few days later, and then
pretty much ignored me when she came over again a week later to hang out.
Oh well. Fuck dat shit.
INCOMPLETE:
Bond Tiffany Lammey
Jessica Something Wiman
Elizabeth Something Bergner
Emily Something Beauden
Sarah Joy Fleming
Kara Something Lee
Barbara Something Something
Julie Something Something
Mollie Louise Monroe
Mollie Something Lovell
Laura Something Goeckner
Stephanie Something Kiesewetter
Larissa Something Armstrong
Annastasia Something Milliman
Amber Something Something
Tara Something Kratzner
Kate Something Thompson
Jacquie Something Semmler
Rachelle Something Street
Heather Something Skaggs
Rachel Something Sanders
Lisa Something Klickiewsnewskilaierlkanlkrhaelrh
Kay Something Bracy
Tracy Something Hanks
Mandy Something Grizzle
Erica Something Dicker
Stacy Something Menard
Cheryl Something Ohlin (<-- Even said she'd go on a date with me
. . . then backed out!)
All in all, 42 women who have successfully given me the idea that
they had no interest in dating me, 4 who probably should have gone out
with me, and 2 who politely did go out with me. Not really so bad, when
you start looking at it this way. After all, I had Angela Lathem and
Mandy Case in the bag at one point, and just completely dropped the ball.
And Nancy probably really did want me, since she, you know, told me she
did and all. To say nothing of the fact that Mandy Grizzle said she did
not want me to get a girlfriend, because she loved flirting with me.
Good enough in my book. Whatever. Die.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #998, BY QUAREX - 12/25/99 ]
