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The Hogs of Entropy 0979
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$$$ [ HOE E-Zine #979 -- 12/18/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ] .,$$$
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I think back on the last 11 months of 1999 with bitter sentiment.
Little has happened yet at the same time so very much. I feel like I
went through more changes in 1999 than I have so far in this lifetime. I
will never forget 1999. I think it will always be in the back of my mind
some place between good and bad, I suppose it would fall under the
category of a necessary learning experience. I went through a lot of
pain but in the end I feel it all came out for the better. In the
following paragraphs I will review 1999 and how it has effected me.
Names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the annoying.
1998 - Background
By the end of 1998 I had lost just about every friend in the
world, through either fault of my own, petty arguments, or just plain
growing up. I latched myself onto people I thought would take me away
from what I felt was my previous existence. I wanted to start off with a
clean slate and become a new person, and so I cleaned.
January, 1999 - Catharsis
I began 1999 by organizing my life and my closet. I had dismissed
99% of my rotten friends as well as 11 jumbo garbage bags of crap from my
room. I had a box, actually an old Omaha steak cooler, over the years I
filled it with any sort of memory, this box was over flowing. It took me
a full week off from work to complete this chore. As I went through each
notebook, every picture, and birthday card. I re-lived the last 4 years
of my life over. I realized how different I had become. How entering
high school I didn't know what French kissing was to losing my virginity
a year after. I went through a stack of cheating boyfriends, heart
breaks, and old friends, all into the trash. Among these things, I found
the list.
This is a list made when I was about 10 years old with my best
friend Jewlie. It was titled in crayon, "The Boy I Want To Marry". For
a 10-year-old I knew what was going on. I stated I wanted a boy to care
about me and hold my hand, to call me to say good night and enjoy
spending time with me. Somewhere it hit a nerve. For a very long time I
had been longing for a sweet guy, someone who actually cared. After
reading the list and thinking about my current boyfriend Todd, I realized
I had something I did not want. Instead of ending the relationship as
logic would dictate, I got it in my mind that I was going to fix him, and
make him the way I wanted.
I replaced all my former junk with a fish tank and some new books.
Closed off January with a friend's 21st birthday party in which I was the
only sober person.
February, 1999 - Metamorphosis
I tried to customize my relationship to the criteria on the list.
As I already knew but refused to admit to myself, you can not force
people to change. This force of change resulted in lots of fights. I
never enjoyed fighting with him, but he thought I did. He accused me of
starting the fights on purpose to cause a break up. Eventually this mess
ended in a break-up, which I knew was entirely my fault. I don't feel
bad Todd and I never worked out, it was completely not meant to be. I
came out of the relationship with a mission, to find my Dawson Leery. I
also came out of it with some new friends. My new friends seemed like
really cool, nice guys. I hung out with them as much as possible. At
work, I couldn't wait to get home and find out what was going on. Little
else happened in February, a rather uneventful month.
March, 1999 - Immaturity and Growing up, the birth of AliCam
I started March with a bang. I turned 22! Does that mean I'm a
grown up now? Apparently not. I drank entirely too much at a geek party
and almost put myself in harm's way. I decided to signify my supposed
adulthood by acting like a completely jackass. After recovering from
that episode and getting my head back in place one of my new friends
became a little more than that. The whole situation baffles me to this
day. It started then ended for circumstances completely unknown to me,
and I don't really think I want to know. When I think back on it I don't
feel hurt, this is unlike me. I think there may have been some third
party intervention.
Out of boredom or desperation companionship (even if it was in the
form of e-mail pen pals), I got my hands on a WebCam, and this is when
AliCam was born. Probably one of the worst ideas I ever had. Believe it
or not AliCam and very little impact on my life. It was just a camera
that was on while I played SIMM City. I suppose the entire thing was
subconscious and months later I think Jamesy hit the nail on the head
when he said I craved attention. It turned out to be negative attention,
but you get what you pay for I suppose.
AliCam started a little buzz among former friends. Unfortunately
the buzz gave an ex a reason to talk to me. Im rather sure he is one of
the worst people ever in existence. His mentality is up there with
Hitler's. He was sneaky, careless, and manipulative as all hell. He's
managed to hurt just about everyone that's crossed his path, especially
me. But goddamnit, that Corey Haim smile got me every time. The first
time we dated started out so nice, then he started to act weird and
distant. It ended with this statement "I only want you to be my computer
friend." I decided that he meant he didn't want to be a real friend at
all, so we stopped talking. Upon his re-emergence into my life, he told
me that the reason he was not so attentive was because; he had never
broken up with his previous girlfriend. However, that's all over now and
he wanted to be friends with me. As I type this I get a terrible sick
feeling, it kills me that I didn't notice what he was up to. The things
he did to my mind were unbelievable. And so it began we were just
friends, he told me about school, I told him about work, and we went to
the movies. I felt rather content with things as they were. Little did
I know ominous shadows were lurking around the next corner. <insert
demonic laughter here>
April, 1999 - Hesitation
April came and went, I wanted it to go by quickly. The
anniversary of my best friend's death arrived and the pain and tears
returned with a vengeance, it's the sort of thing I think I will never
recover from. I miss her everyday. Every time I tell a Jewlie story, or
think about how much humor she would have found in a situation, I feel so
overwhelmed with anger and sadness that often I just cry myself to sleep.
Now that I think about it, I am stupid for not thinking more in
April, really stupid. Rob and I hung out often, after work, on weekends,
I just thought we were friends. I should have not assumed such a thing.
A friend of his, Lisa had a break up with her fiance. Rob was so nice
and helped her out, mowed the lawn and trimmed the hedges. It never even
occurred to me that he would be helping her out with a few other things
she wasn't getting now that the fiance was not around. Rob played the
very romantic roll. He said he was falling for me again. I started to
fall too, no matter how hard I tried not to. There were conversations
where I would get an overwhelming feeling of dread. I would say, "I will
not do this to myself again." I would hang up, he would call back and
come up with some completely adorable, "but I've changed, baby" story.
By the end of April, I liked him, I liked the attention and I decided to
give in. I thought he was my Dawson, now I realize I was more in love
with the idea of being in love. Which is something I have been very
guilty of in the past. Some lessons come at a price.
May, 1999 - The Kiss, First Movement
Rob's birthday was Cinco de Mayo. I had softball practice after
work. Rob and his friend Chris were going to watch and then we would go
out to dinner. When they showed up I was at bat and awfully embarrassed
because I'm terrible at softball. I will never forget seeing Chris for
the first time in years. I knew Chris once-upon-a-time, in high school.
I always thought he was cute but never talked to him much. He gave me a
hug and complimented my shoes, then made fun of my navel ring. I guess
they're never completely nice. We decided to go for Mexican food. Rob
and I drank margaritas Chris watched he didn't want to drink until the
next week when he turned 21. Sometime that night in a drunken stupor I
told Rob I loved him, I didn't love him, and it was a very stupid thing
to say. Then I kissed him another day, which was also stupid. There was
no feeling, but I pretended there was, no tingles, no passion, just bland
old lips. Someone once asked me what it was like to have no passion. It
is probably one of the most awful feelings in the world. The element
that made it so terrible is that I was longing for passion. When it was
not coming from the place I went seeking it, I became very depressed. As
May moved on Rob said I love you to me as well and his demeanor changed.
Things went from him pursuing me, to me begging to hang out with him. If
I was very lucky, he would let me go to a baseball game with him and
Chris. Most of the time we went hiking and we never went out in public,
I didn't know why.
June, 1999 - Passion, Regression
Something inside me said, "If you cook it, they will come."
Sometime in June, I decided officially, I want to be a chef and this is
going to happen and I don't care if I make myself poor doing it! Then I
put that idea aside and forgot about it. I began to get sick of spending
all my free time with Rob. At work, online I talked to Chris now and
then, he started to drop hints that Rob was up to no good, Rob began to
bash Chris to me in retaliation. I gave up on the subject because I
didn't know who to believe.
One warm evening, I had stayed up very late cleaning my room. I
received an email from someone claiming to be the producer of a make over
show. The guy asked if I wanted a make over! Me on television!?! I was
so excited, but I took a deep breath and replied to the e-mail. How do I
know this isn't a joke? The writer returned with a scan of his business
card and his office number at E, Entertainment Television. I cannot
describe my excitement in words. It was just what I had always hoped
for, some person to take my ugly face and paint it pretty. Someone to
take my gross body and cover it in designer fashion. Ideas ran through
my head about trendy new hair styles and movie star eyebrows. I was so
excited I couldn't sleep a wink. About 2:00 am that same night, I
started chatting with a guy I went to high school with. I had always
thought of him as a bad boy. After chatting it turned out, he was in the
same tech school I was after graduation. He also turned out to be nice,
slightly odd, but nice. It also turned out I was pretty tight with his
cousin Jeanette. So one night, Jeanette, Tommy and myself went out to a
local bar. I saw everyone, all the kids that were once my friends and
blew me off. Those that never spoke a word to me in all 7 years of
school. I was overwhelmed but I loved it. I'm a cool kid, yippee for
me!
As I write more it seems that the majority of my life in 1999
existed online. Most conversations of any value occurred on instant
messenger or irc. I'm not sure if that's pathetic or a statement about
society. Either way staring at the screen all day started to give me
some major headaches.
AGAIN online, the friends I had once outgrew found their way back,
home from college, ready to be grownups. My grudges against them had
faded and I welcomed their conversation back with open arms. I must
admit I missed the old jokes, and movies. All of a sudden, I was in high
school again, I had the same friends, but this time I was also friends
with the people that wouldn't talk to me. I liked being invited places,
included. It was great, but I knew it wouldn't last. The people that I
ate lunch with back in the day were highly offended that I spent so much
time with my new found friends. They took it as a personal attack that I
was associating my self with the people that ridiculed them even if all
the torment occurred more than 4 years ago. My new friends expected too
much time and too many parties from me. I started to become exhausted
and accept fewer invitations. After all a girl can only do so much. As
for Rob, he did not deal well with the lack of attention, and
invitations.
Slowly the friends I had made in March, courtesy of the mystery
guy, drifted back into my life. Andy had written this completely
hysterical story about "getting some" a few months back. Harry had been
writing for an e-zine called HOE and suggested Andy submit his story to
the zine. Once the story was published I began to check out the
archives. Some of the issues were funny or insightful, others were just
plain terrible. I wanted to write, but I had no ideas. The very end of
June, I had my clique of home town friends. Rob was pushed to the back
burner, I started chatting with those zany e-zine kids some more, and I
had a possible TV appearance. I was overwhelmed, yet thrilled with how
things were taking shape.
July, 1999 - Agony
July 4th weekend, I hung out with my home town friends. I had
managed to merge the groups. My once geeky friends tapped kegs along
with the football players. I was really happy to see that all it took
was an invitation to each, and that everyone was grown up enough to
handle it. I think the 4th was one of the best times I had all summer.
We went to an over look and watched the New York City Fireworks, then we
drove around and checks out all those "haunted" spots we always used to
drive by back in the day. I felt included. It was just amazing. Rob,
did not like this at all, he made fun of me for enjoying activities that
did not involve passing out drunk.
Soon after I had a HOE text file published. Harry was kind enough
to invite me to go to the e-zine conference the next weekend. Monday, I
get an email that the make over wasn't going to happen. Screw E!
Tuesday, Rob tells me he doesn't want me to go to the zine conference.
He offered no explanation, I guess he felt threatened. Screw Rob! Chris
later told me Rob thought I would realize what a scum bag he is once I
had some time to think about it. The funny part is I really didn't think
about Rob at all.
I had a great time at the conference, I met people that Im sure
will make an impression on me for years to come. Good or bad impressions
I will never reveal, but I'm sure I will never forget some of the
characters that crossed my path that weekend. I returned home to a few
nasty messages from the local gang. Apparently I didn't have permission
to go away for the weekend. What is up with people feeling they have the
ability to control me. I realized after a couple of petty fights that
these friends were no more.
So I started to become more and more depressed as it occurred me
that Rob was the only "friend" I had. I was going to return to the
torture of life with Rob. This is when it got really bad. I finally got
the nerve to ask him why I never met his friends. His reply was shocking
and was the most insulting thing I had ever heard. He said, "You're fat,
I am embarrassed to be seen in public with you. If you lost some weight
you would be cute and then I could let you meet my friends." There was a
lot more to it, the conversation lasted several hours. It sent me into a
whirl wind of emotion that I'm very surprised I came out of. In reality,
this was also the best thing Rob ever said to me. I started to exercise
excessively and eat very little. I lost a bunch of weight and didn't
feel much better for it. I tried very hard to his negative comments into
something positive. He said those words only to hurt me. Rob knew it
would get to me and drive me crazy and he took pleasure in that. I am
very happy to say there was one positive aspect. The only good part was,
Chris. Exercise involved going to Chris's condo with Rob because there
was a gym there. While I rode exercise bikes and the boys used the
weights Rob would often throw out insulting comments. Chris would
reprimand him for being a jerk, to no avail. I developed a little soft
spot for Chris over time. I think a few kind words were just the boost I
needed. I felt a little better.
One evening in late July I got a call from that first "cool kid" I
made friends with online. This was first one in weeks. He informed me
the elementary school wise-ass, Jim would be up visiting. We decided it
was only appropriate to show Jim a good time. And god was it a good
time. I was glad to have friends that had nothing to do with dating at
all. I returned home a bit tipsy and too hyper to sleep. I sat down to
my computer and found a drunk Chris online. I confessed a little crush
on him and said I wanted to know him. Finally I did something smart,
even if it did take 10 beers to get it out of me.
It was about time I made some changes.
August, 1999 - The Kiss, Second Movement
I removed Rob from my life. I concluded that he was no good for
me. A terrible manipulative person, that got joy out of tormenting me.
I was going to dedicate August to ME. I started cooking more and more,
painting more. A woman I had randomly met put a painting of mine in her
art gallery, I was shocked. Someone even bought it for 50 dollars.
Chris and I had made a bet on some baseball games a month before. I won,
so he had to make me dinner. He made a very nice meal, I was impressed.
We watched a movie and I went home, leaving with a hug. However, I was
content. August began what I consider a new chapter of my life. I was
finally able to incorporate all aspects of myself into one life. I used
to live a few months as the big mouth Jersey girl. Then the next few as
an artist and so on. As much as I hate to say it, I can thank Rob for
this. In his efforts to control me he slowly wiped away each layer of my
personality leaving me with a clean slate.
As luck would have it just as I was blank, every part of me came
back at the same time and found their own places in the puzzle. There I
was, a complete girl, with a job, a goal, a few hobbies and a ton of
friends. I had never been happier until about a week later. Chris
invited me over, we rented Varsity Blues, I had already seen it but I
enjoy that scene with Scott Kaan's tush. The movie was over, Chris, I
were chit-chatting, and then it happened. That look, the one you see in
the movies and on Dawson's Creek. There was a slow nervous approach,
every part of me was shaking, and then the kiss. It was the most amazing
feeling, I got light headed and forgot where I was. When I came to, I
just wanted more. When I got in the car to leave, I squealed with
excitement. I couldn't believe this was happening. On August 10th,
Chris asked me to be his girlfriend. At this time, I'm not saying
anything more about Chris I will merely summarize.
Chris is the most wonderful guy I have ever met, I love everything
about him and I am so happy that things happened like they did. He has
been supportive of me through everything, I hope I am never with out him.
Sometime in August, I forget exactly when.. A lot of crazy things
went down. Apparently Tommy's fiance was cheating on him all over the
place with people he thought were his friends. I found out and got the
bright idea to send him to a place where he could catch her in the act.
I hate cheaters I couldn't believe she was doing that to my friend and I
wanted her to stop. Unfortunately Tommy freaked. He just took off,
ditched his car and rode his bike to the shore. He was missing for two
days. I was at Chris' house for the weekend and I was keeping tabs on the
Tommy situation via voice mail messages from his brother. Sometime on
Sunday I get the message that they found Tommy totally over dosing
somewhere in Asbury Park. After being comatosed for a few days Tommy
didn't make it. Everyone blamed me, not the cheating girlfriend that
broke his heart. Just the person that decided to be truthful. Needless
to say, I don't have those friends anymore. I say screw em. I don't
need people like that in my life. There are much more important things to
worry about.
My Grandmother has lived next-door to me my entire life. I made a
point of visiting her as often as possible. I took out her garbage
weekly and every August I cleaned her drapes. This was an all day
project, I always looked forward to spending the day with Grandma. She
told me stories about my town before there were roads, how she met my
grandfather and what a goofy kid my dad was. This year was different and
it worried me. She made comments like, "It's a good life." Then she
went on to tell me how she loved me and I should always remember that.
There was a funny smell in the house.
September, 1999 - Capitulate
The week after Labor Day one night around 11, the doors were
slamming. I hate that my mother always slams the doors. I got out of
bed to yell and saw a frantic look on my Dad's face. Then there were
sirens. Grandma had fallen and cut open her legs, her legs had sever
edema (that puffy swelling people with arthritis get from lack of
circulation). They were sort of oozing, I couldn't go look, I knew it
was better I didn't. She was in the hospital for a little over a week,
got her legs fixed up and she came home. Grandma had also been
incontinent and not telling anyone. A friend of the family, Jennifer 19
years old was doing the clean up and not telling anyone. Monday was
Grandmas birthday, I told her about Chris as she sat in her new recliner.
Her feet were in bandages but she looked pale.
Thursday, the hurricane came, I got out of work a little early,
driving in it was terrifying. Everything was flooding, trees coming
down, I went to Chris' it was closer than home. I worried about home all
night. Friday the storm cleared, but the clouds and water lurked all
over the landscape. This was the weekend Chris was coming home to meet
my parents and celebrate my fathers birthday. On the drive home we saw a
Llama in a field. I gave my dad his present and we had cake that my mom
made with olive oil. Saturday night we went to the nicest Italian
restaurant in town. It's full of old men in bowling shirts and their
wives in double knit pant's suits. Dean Martin played in the background
and I enjoyed some of the best Lasagna I've ever had. I returned home to
that face on my father. I was informed Grandma was dehydrated, and that
they just took her in to get some liquid into her. Then she took a turn
for the worst. She died at 11:00 p.m.. I don't like funerals at all I
think they're sick. Nevertheless, I went because she would have liked
that. I hated the weeks to come, sorting through Grandma's belongings,
deciding what memories I wanted to take with me. The memory space in my
closet was soon filled by old Omaha steak coolers full of crystal. I put
her kitchen on my wall, two collector's plates and these pink wooden
spoons. They will always remind me of Grandpa. A Concertina belonging
to my Great-grandfather is in my corner, and the plastic bird that hung
in his parrot's cage hangs from my wall. The opal ring I saw on my
Grandmother's hand every day is now in a box on my dresser, someday it
will be on my hand, when I'm ready. I traded and bartered for all the
little memories and we locked to doors of her house. Soon it will be
sold to some stranger. The place where I was a bambina, always a child,
is now gone.
October, 1999 - Primogeniture
Being the oldest it has always been my job to be the strong
responsible one. There was no place for me to find myself. I started to
have dreams about my teeth falling out, fear of change, insecurity. Well
that's for damn sure. I have slowly become a grown up with out intending
to. October was spent supporting my parents. I had hellish nightmares.
In all honesty, there is very little to say about October, I spent it
crying.
November, 1999 - Resolution
I suppose this is merely a sign of the year winding down. Things
got slower, I started to think about Christmas shopping. Which proudly I
finished on November 26th. Thanksgiving passed with the usual nasty
family argument, then we watched Forest Gump and all was right with the
world. On November 27th I celebrated the 9th anniversary of my life
online. I also consider it the day I stopped being a child. I watched A
Christmas Story as per ritual and went to bed wishing I was still 12.
December, 1999 - Denouement
AS WE STAND ON THE BRINK OF A NEW MILLENIUM...
I wonder, are all those hill-billies going to flip out over Y2K. I
can't believe that I managed to come out of 1999 a stronger person not
the weak emotional mess such a year would have made me in the past. I
don't regret anything that has happened, merely that I didn't get more
done. December is just beginning, but I'm sure little will happen, that
just seems to be the way with this time of year. This weekend Chris is
coming over and we will put up the Christmas decorations. I will listen
to the Chipmunks Christmas Album, sing along and dance. I suppose I will
grow up to be one of those adults always trying to get a grab on
childhood because I was forced to act grown up when I didn't even
understand what I was doing.
I'm not a big fan of self analysis, but this year was so crazy I
couldn't resist. The whole time I wrote this I felt like Angela from "My
So-Called Life" thinking so much but never really paying attention to
what's going on. So I decided to ask myself:
"Why are you like this?"
"Like what?"
"Like how you are?"
After this year I've realized I've always been a pawn to my
environment. I took what I was given and never tried to force changes.
I never acted like my self I merely acted how people wanted me to. I
think more changes are in order, maybe a little more closet cleaning. I
think if I could go back I would only change one thing. I would have
been with Tommy the night I sent him to the bar. I should have been
there.
I am not what everyone wants me to be. I am Alicia someone most
people know nothing about. I think it's time to devote my time to
figuring myself out. So, instead of just the month of August, the year
2000 is dedicated to me.
Today at work it was suggested to me I may be up for a promotion.
It's not cooking, but I'm not so sure about that goal anymore. I hope
the promotion goes through. Maybe it won't, who knows, that's what I
like about the future--it's full of surprises.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #979, BY SIX - 12/18/99 ]
