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The Hogs of Entropy 0965
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$$$ by - Big Daddy Bill $$$
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$$$ [ HOE E-Zine #965 -- 12/16/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ] .,$$$
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
I guess this is where I get philosophical about my entire being,
while I'm in this state of mind that is. But really, if I think about
it, I haven't had anything to say in quite a long time. I wish I did
though, because it would make things a whole lot easier. Maybe this is
going to be another long, boring whiney story about how my life didn't
turn out the way I wanted it to and how nobody loves me and all that
shit. Maybe it's just a front, to start actually getting my emotions
out, maybe in the wrong way, or in the right way, it doesn't matter.
Maybe I've finally gone crazy, and all the acid I did has made me
bi-polar and semi-manic-depressive. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
What really happens behind the scenes is what I'm wondering. In
this huge evolution called life I always wanted to know what people
really, I mean *really* thought about me. It just seems to me that I'm
the one doing all the please and thank you's, why can't some other
motherfucker be nice just for once? You know, I never heard someone say
that I was smart, or attractive, or funny, without pretty much fishing
for it. It may be pathetic if you analyze it, but all I want is to know.
For once, I just wish someone would tell me who I really am, who I really
should be or who I really want to be, because I just can't seem to figure
it out. Then again, in this sheltered existence, I never had to figure
anything out on my own.
So why can't anybody explain the things that I feel? So why can't
anybody understand me or what I'm going through 24-7? So why do I have
to type my angsty words down on this computer screen to put on display to
all the people who don't give a shit? Probably because I'm hoping the
right person will read this, and say that they know what I'm talking
about, or that they think I'm smart, attractive, or funny, or that they
really give a shit. I'm so tired of being the only one to comfort
people, to turn an ear to people, to just shut up and listen. I'm so
*sick* of being self-involved and emotionally fist-fucked! Lots of people
go home hungry and get beaten by their parents and stick needles in their
arms while they drool their lives away in a pain-less stupor somewhere in
the streets of urbania. So why can't I just quit whining about my
middle-middle class self and accept the fact that I still have it made,
that I still eat and sleep in a comfortable bed and I'm not addicted to
anything but caffeine?
Because I don't want to care anymore. Because I'm not them in
their world. Because I've listened so much to other peoples problems and
worried my ass off about them that I'm beginning to grow cold and
selfish. Because I'm still scared of growing independent.
I've sat down and analyze every aspect about me, and mentally
tried to improve myself. I've even tried to physically improve myself.
And once, I even emotionally improved myself. But somehow, some way,
that all turns to shit. I smoked myself retarded, I've eaten more
calories then I burned, and I'm as confused and fucked up as ever about
the whole emotional aspect.
But hey, you know, I'll live. I'll keep on truckin'. You know me,
prone for this whole self-abuse. I'll never change a thing, simply
because I'm used to this cycle. So really, you can disregard this entire
thing as another whiney issue, because this is the only therapy I can
afford.
Thanks for listening.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #965, BY BIG DADDY BILL - 12/16/99 ]
