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The Hogs of Entropy 0929
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ggg "Won't You Be My Shitty-Ass Neighbor?" ggg
$$$ by -> Basehead $$$
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$$$ [ HOE E-Zine #929 -- 12/01/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ] .,$$$
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
My neighborhood in Boston is very affluent, and if I am to believe
trendy local zines, hip. However it's come to my attention slowly over
time that it's also a pile of dogshit. This is because of the people who
live here, and I do not exclude myself from that group. We basically
suck. There's always room for more total assholes though, so for you
dear reader, I provide a quiz: Are you enough of a fuckhead to live near
me?
You have no time limit. Pick up your pencils now and begin.
Q1. You see a homeless man searching through your trash. You:
a) Let him take whatever. He needs all the help he can get.
b) Kindly ask him to move along.
c) Test out the elephant gun you bought for your upcoming safari.
Q2. You and your spouse meet and befriend another couple. Over the
course of a few hours, it becomes apparent that they are newcomers
from the midwest and struggle to pay for their one-bedroom
apartment. You:
a) Decide to invite them to your next house party.
b) Suggest that a less expensive neighborhood might suit them.
c) Dial 911 on your cell phone.
Q3. Two Lexus SUV's parked out back. Gratuitous?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Just two?
Q4. Your child brings home a black playmate from South Boston. You:
a) Welcome him into your home like your own child.
b) Keep an eye out to make sure the kid is a good influence.
c) Prepare the stun baton.
Q5. The most exotic locale you've traveled to is:
a) Schenectady, New York.
b) Paris, France.
c) Equatorial Guinea.
Q6. On warm sultry summer nights you:
a) Throw some Tony Bennett on the 8-track player.
b) Go see Tony Bennett live.
c) Have dinner with Tony Bennett.
Q7. McDonalds purchases a building in a quiet section of your
neighborhood and commences the building of a new restaurant. You:
a) Support the choice wholeheartedly; Fast food is good food.
b) Think McDonald's is a bit pedestrian, and take your concerns
to the neighborhood preservation society.
c) Strategically plant C4 clusters inside and watch the fucker
burn.
Q8. The family is hungry. You will cook dinner at home if:
a) There's enough in the cabinets or fridge to whip something up.
b) Your favorite restaurant is ready to close.
c) Your life depends on it.
Q9. Pet of choice:
a) Black Labrador.
b) Speckled Cockatoo.
c) Juana, belly-dancer and Mexican housekeeper extraordinnaire.
Q10. Your marriage vows are as sacred to you as:
a) Life itself.
b) Your partner.
c) A big phlegmy loogie.
Score yourself:
For each answer 'a', give yourself 1 point.
For each answer 'b', give yourself 2 points.
For each answer 'c', give yourself 3 points.
10-17 points - You are pathetic white trash. Go away.
18-24 points - Peh. One year initiation period.
25-30 points - Welcome! Give me a call, we'll compare net worth.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #929 - WRITTEN BY: BASEHEAD - 12/02/99 ]
